We open on the usual exterior shot of the CamPound, which is completely devoid of any and all Christmas decorations. What the hell, Camdens? My mom's Jewish, and even she decorates the house for Christmas (admittedly, that's mostly so that our KKK member -door neighbors don't try to burn our house down. Again). We hear the opening strains of "Jingle Bell Rock," then cut to the CamKitchen, where Annie is baking up a storm and Ruthie is dancing in a way that is supposed to be cute, but isn't, since Ruthie wouldn't be cute even if she was sitting in a field of kittens and bunnies. I don't even think this is the Hall and Oates version of "Jingle Bell Rock," but the original one from the fifties. Brenda Hampton sure does love her jams from the fifties that were re-done in the eighties. Simon cruises on into the kitchen wearing a goofy smile and candy-cane pajamas that are so small on him that they've turned into a long-sleeved bare midriff and pants so tight that every candy cane is clearly visible. As in, every single candy cane or outline thereof can be seen by even the most casual of observers. Why, exactly, hasn't Brenda been arrested for child pornography yet? Simon watches his mom dance about the kitchen while his sister places her hand precariously close to the hot cookie sheet. While I'm all in favor of Ruthie burning her face off, I think Annie might want to consider taking a few mothering classes. Simon admonishes his sister and mother's dancing skills, electing to give them a visual presentation of what dancing really is -- a combination of the rolling-arms thing you do in a conga line, a half-assed attempt at the Moonwalk, and the Robot. What, no Shopping Cart? In a brave effort to save whatever's left of her brother's dignity, Ruthie turns the music off. Annie offers to buy Simon some new pajamas that don't hug his curves quite so enthusiastically. Simon says that they don't make pajamas with candy canes on them in his size. I think there's a lesson to be learned there, pal. A lesson that concerns not wearing clothes that show off that unattractive woman-esque ass you've got going on there.
Mary and Lucy enter the house and complain that RevCam is "out of control." I guess they actually caught him stalking them this time. Annie takes this as her cue to bust out in song, belting out two lines of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." Then she abruptly stops, so as to allow Jessica Biel to say her line about how RevCam is forcing her to volunteer at a soup kitchen. The Complaintrain makes its regularly scheduled stop in Lucyville as she moans about how she's being forced to put the church live nativity scene together. What's a live nativity scene? Is that like a pageant? I hope we don't have to see it, if it is. Simon says that Lucy's job is easy -- the Camdens always get stuck doing the live nativity scene because no one else wants to do it. Matt enters, and Annie tells him to meet RevCam in the garage. Simon wishes Matt luck, saying that the last two people who went in the garage "came out with jobs." Matt groans, then makes fun of Simon's pajamas. Wow, when the Camdens are making fun of your clothes, you must be wearing something pretty damn hideous. Simon asks Annie when they're putting up the Christmas lights. Annie's like, "After I give birth to these two humongous babies I've got inside of me, fool." Simon volunteers to do it himself. "You can't even dress yourself!" Mary says, which would have been funnier if she hadn't said it while her mouth was stuffed with food. Now it's just gross and, frankly, rude. But isn't that the essence of Mary?
In the garage, RevCam is looking through boxes creatively labeled "Christmas Stuff." Matt comes in, and RevCam asks him if he needs money for some winter dance he wants to take his new girlfriend to. Matt says he does, and how awesome of RevCam to just give him money. RevCam says there's no lesson to be learned in that, to which Matt counters that he would learn a lesson about how generous parents can be at Christmas time. RevCam says that parents are generous "all year long, year after year! Until you reach that year when they cut you off completely and you get a job." And they send you off and Buffalo and steal your car, but who's keeping track, right? Speaking of jobs, RevCam got one for Matt. It pays a hundred dollars a day, so Matt only has to do one full day of work to get enough money for the dance. Matt looks all put out, but a hundred dollars for one day of work is pretty damn good. Plus, his sisters aren't getting paid at all. RevCam gives Matt the uniform for his job, which comes with a Santa hat.
Today's Very Merry Opening Credits Timewaster is Annie blasting some more Xmas oldies and writing her kids' names on green pieces of paper. I guess when you've got so many damn kids, you need to make cheat-sheets every once in a while. Oh, crap. Tim "Dorf Goes Fishing (i.e. Falls Off A Boat Twenty Unfunny Times)" Conway is guest-starring. Wow, so is Ruth Buzzi! It's a late '60s/early '70s comedy sketch show extravaganza! RevCam enters, fresh from taking Happy for a walk and spying on the neighbors, and watches as Annie puts special folds in the papers that say "Annie" and "Eric," then puts all the papers in a bowl. Then they make out. All the kids comes downstairs (Simon still in his male prostitute PJs, I'm sickened and disgusted to report), and watch the hot parent-on-parent nose-smushing action until Ruthie makes a comment about how they had better stop, because Annie can't fit any more babies in her belly without exploding. The radio was so horrified by that visual that it seems to have automatically shut off. Annie shoves the bowl o' names towards the kids while Lucy clumsily exposits the rules of the Camden Christmas. Everyone picks one name, and then either does community service, gives his/her person a gift s/he made him/herself, or gives the person something s/he already owns. Annie and RevCam pick cards first, being sure to take out the marked cards with their own names on them. Then it's Ruthie's turn. Behind her, the rest of the kids cross their fingers obviously and mouth "not me, not me," probably because they're terrified of what kind of horror from the very pits of Hell Ruthie would give out as a Christmas present. When Simon picks, everyone "silently" hopes that he'll get him or her. As the name-picking concludes, the doorbell rings. Lucy sing-songs that it must be Jordan, her elderly fish-faced boyfriend, and runs off to answer it. Everyone else goes upstairs, leaving RevCam to blather on to himself about the spirit of Christmas. Loser.
Lucy opens the door. It's Jordan, of course! They wish each other a Merry Christmas, and then Lucy starts in with the whining about how Jordan's not going to be in town for their first Christmas together. Jordan says he's "not exactly thrilled to be spending the holidays with [his] Uncle Sal and his monkey." "Monkey"? I'm not sure what's worse -- whatever monkey is possibly being used as a euphemism for, or the possibility that Sal has an actual pet monkey, whose hijinks I will be forced to watch. And why does everyone on this show have a pet monkey? The only person I've ever known who had a pet monkey is my granddad, and that was only when he lived in Africa, where they're slightly more common. The monkey's name was Jock, and they kept him tied to a post with a little house on top of it in the backyard. Sometimes Jock would escape and climb onto the roof of the family house, and then throw stuff at Granddad and his sister when they tried to recapture him. Granddad says that monkey hijinks are more painful than they are funny. I agree. Jordan says that Uncle Sal is "the closest thing [his] family's got to a grandparent -- and a cousin." Huh? Are they inbred? That explains a lot. He pulls a big box out from behind his back, saying that he wanted to give Lucy her present before he left. Lucy's all, "Um...oh...I thought we weren't going to exchange gifts until after you got back..." because she was totally planning to hit up the stores during the after-Christmas sales and hasn't bought his gift yet. Lucy lies that she already got his present, but she hasn't wrapped it yet. Ruthie wanders in and offers to keep Jordan company while Lucy wraps his present, because Ruthie is pure evil. Luckily for Lucy, Jordan doesn't have time to wait. Lucy notices Ruthie glaring at her and asks what her deal is now. Ruthie not-so-innocently wonders where Jordan's gift is. Lucy doesn't answer, because, you know, there is no gift. "That's what I thought!" says the Evil One, patting Lucy on the arm and skipping off merrily. I sprinkle some holy water on my television, just to be safe.
And now we're in the "Glenoak Soup Kitchen." Enjoy it while it lasts, because this little fixture of the Glenoak community will never be seen again after this episode! RevCam leads Mary inside while she bitches and moans about how she has better things to do on her vacation than help other people. RevCam tells her to shut it, pointing out that a lot of people have it worse than Mary, but since Mary's a self-centered twit, she doesn't pay attention. Eric asks what she thinks Annie might want for Christmas. "Shouldn't you have had some idea before you guys cheated again?" Mary says. Ha! That's what you get for screwing your own kids over, Rev! RevCam doesn't need Mary's help in the end, as he thinks of a gift idea all by himself. He can get Annie a nice chain for the cross her dead mother left her. Mary asks how exactly RevCam plans to make a chain, since the Camden Christmas bowl rules say that the present has to be hand-made, and since he was the one who made the rules, he should really follow them. I'm completely baffled as to why RevCam and Annie even pretend to participate in that if they're not going to observe any of the rules. Great example to set for your kids, though, CamRents. I guess that's why they turned out so damn wonderful. A lady wearing an apron walks up and asks if Mary is her new "little helper," which isn't condescending in the least. "It's good to be king!" RevCam blurts out randomly, while the lady looks at him like, "What are you talking about?" and Mary looks at him like, "I hate you."
We return from a commercial break with Lucy whining to Annie that she has to get Jordan something really nice for Christmas. Annie tells Lucy to "be creative," like she is for RevCam's present whenever she draws his name from the bowl. Lucy remarks that Annie always draws RevCam's name because the CamRents cheat, and everyone knows it. Even SamVid know it, and they're developmentally disabled, not to mention still in utero. Lucy says she doesn't have time to think of a good present for Jordan because she's been Rev-appointed to get people to participate in the live nativity scene. Annie suggests Tom Sawyering the nativity scene by holding auditions to make it seem like a really exclusive and fun thing to do, and an honor to participate in. Lucy asks her mom if all the blood just rushed out of her head for her to have an idea so stupid. Damn, Lucy, that was cold. And yet, my respect for you has gone up a few notches. Lucy claims that no one in town likes the live nativity scene; it's like "being in a wax museum, only creepier. The wax talks back." Annie asks Lucy what she should get for RevCam. Hey, I thought Annie said she was good at thinking of presents for RevCam? I hate liars. Lucy says that RevCam's got his old 45s out; maybe Annie could make a record player for him to play them on. Don't they have one already? That big phonograph that's hanging out in the foyer? I guess it's just for decoration, although it seems wrong to use that word to describe something so damn ugly. Annie screams in delight and hugs Lucy close to her bosom, saying that Lucy really does have good ideas, and she should be able to think of something for Jordan no problem. Lucy keeps whining, though.
In the garage, Simon and RevCam are fighting over whether or not Simon is too young to hang the Christmas lights. They reach a stupid compromise: Simon will hang the lights inside the house, which is safer. RevCam doesn't understand the point of hanging lights inside, to which Simon says that it's better than nothing, and hanging lights on the house is a tradition that shouldn't be broken, like his candy cane pajamas. RevCam tells Simon not to let big, pregnant, crazy Annie do any ladder-climbing. Simon asks if RevCam will help; RevCam says he would, but he's too much of a klutz. 'Tis the season to make everyone else work, huh, Rev?
Mary cuts potatoes. Excitement builds as I hope against hope that she'll slice a finger off and then I'll finally get something actually cool to recap. But no, the lady comes in with another volunteer, whom she introduces as "Carlos." And yes, it's Kieforge, Mary's future husband, although he's got much better hair here. You can tell Mary is in love at first sight because she stares at him blankly with her mouth hanging open. Carlos wishes her Merry Christmas, then says, "So very nice to meet you, my love," and kisses her hand. Instead of being totally creeped out, Mary is charmed. I think Brenda Hampton has been filling her many lonely nights with one too many Antonio Banderas movies, and thus has developed a bizarre, romanticized notion of how all Hispanic men behave. That kind of thing happens when you don't interact with real humans on a regular basis.
Back in the garage, Ruthie asks Simon about the logistics of Santa. Simon says that Santa has worked out a system for present delivery, just like Simon has devised a system for where all the lights will go in the house. Ruthie points out a box of lights that Simon didn't know existed, and asks where that goes. There she goes again, crushing the spirits of yet another beloved family member. What a loveable little scamp she is! Ruthie asks Simon how he can organize Christmas lights when he can't even wear proper pajamas. Simon says he's heard enough about the PJs (seriously. This dead horse has been beaten into the ground, through the center of the Earth, and has re-surfaced in China, where it is quietly protesting the Three Gorges Dam and the cultural heritage the world will lose with its construction, not to mention the potential environmental consequences), then tells Ruthie to go get a gift out of the neighbor's recycling bins. She runs off to do so. I hope she finds a hypodermic needle.
Matt is on the phone with his girlfriend. She doesn't know how they can go to some dance together when he doesn't have enough money for tickets and a tux and everything. I don't know, Girlfriend, but maybe it would help if you paid for your ticket your own damn self. Matt says he got a job, although he won't tell her what it is. Considering that he's currently running a comb through a ratty white beard and we saw that Santa hat that was part of his uniform, I think it's pretty easy for us to guess. Girlfriend says that she doesn't have a job and can't afford to get him anything for Christmas, all the while lazily painting her toenails. Hmm. I guess it's technically possible for this show to make women look worse than it already has, but I can't really think of how. Matt says the only present she needs to give him is having fun at the dance.
And we're at the mile-high Glenoak mall, where a line of baby-holding mothers and assorted children look pissed off. Finally, Matt, dressed in the dirtiest and shabbiest Santa suit ever, walks up and ho-ho-hos. Some midget in elf costume starts whining about how he wasn't allowed to be Santa because of his size, while Matt gets to be Santa even though he's obviously too young and probably has no experience. Matt says there's nothing to being Santa. The midget downs some product-placed Rolaids and bitches that Matt must have gotten this job "through connections." Yes, midget, life does suck like that. Unless you're a Camden.
The soup kitchen is bustling with homeless people, so RevCam throws his receding-hairline-concealing hat into the ring and volunteers to help. It's not long before he discovers the reason why Mary's so merry; she's already progressed to the flirtatious waving stage of her and Carlos's relationship. Mary introduces Carlos to RevCam thusly: "That is Carlos. He got hit by a bus. Isn't he cute?" Considering that he just got hit by bus, apparently, I'd say he's remarkably good-looking. Mary informs RevCam that Carlos is homeless, so she told him that he could stay at the CamPound for the holidays. How stupid is Mary to invite a homeless man she barely knows to stay at her house? It's a good thing he's a sanitized, 7th Heaven version of a homeless guy, with his healthy complexion, perfectly kept hair, sparkling white teeth, and rugged good looks, and not, like, a more realistic depiction of a homeless person.
Back in the CamKitchen, Annie is serving RevCam and Carlos coffee, which, as we all know, is RevCam's beverage of choice when it comes to putting up homeless, yet attractive, young men at Christmastime. Carlos says that he doesn't want to impose on the Camdens, and, seeing as how they have so many children to take care of already, he's willing to just camp out in a park or stay at a shelter. Annie says she wouldn't hear of that. RevCam frowns. Carlos asks if he can pitch his tent in the backyard, then. Annie says no, pointing out that one of Carlos's arms is in a cast, so he's hardly in any condition to go around pitching tents. ["Insert your own tent-pitching joke here. I'd do it for you, but I killed myself on the first page after reading about Simon's candy-cane hammock." -- Sars] RevCam explains that Carlos was hit by a bus. I don't know where they were trying to go with this "Carlos got hit by a bus" thing, but it pretty much gets dropped after this, so whatever. Annie leaves to get an air mattress. Carlos smiles cutely. Since it's never too early in a new relationship to start asking personal and probably painful questions, RevCam asks Carlos about his family "back east." Carlos says he left them two years ago when he and his father got in a fight, and he's not going back. Wait a minute...he left his family two years ago, he's an able-bodied adult, and he's homeless? He couldn't get a decent job in 1998's booming economy? And he's wasting his time volunteering at a shelter? No wonder his family kicked him out.
In the mall, a bratty little girl demands that Matt repeat her list of toys back to her. Her desires are so five years ago, y'all: a Princess Diana beanie baby, a Titanic video set, and a charm bracelet, although Matt can't remember what charms she wants on it. So she starts to kick him in the shins while the bitter elf looks on in sheer delight. As do I.
Annie and Carlos enter the garage, where Lucy's hanging out for some unknown reason. I thought Carlos was in the kitchen with RevCam, but whatever. It's become painfully obvious that nothing in today's episode is going to make sense, and as long as the characters continue to get hit by buses, I'm fine with that. Annie introduces Lucy to Carlos, saying that he'll be "camping out" in their garage. Hey, that sucks! If you're going to put someone up for the holidays, you might as well do it right. At least let the poor guy sleep on the couch. I mean, damn, he did just get run over by a bus. Lucy squeaks and runs away. Simon comes out of nowhere and shakes Carlos's hand, saying that he's sorry the garage is such a mess, but he's been working in there, as if anyone cares. Annie expresses her doubts about Simon's inside-the-house lighting scheme, wondering if the lights are too bright for indoor use. Simon says he's solved this problem by not replacing the burnt-out bulbs. But...won't none of the lights work if one of the bulbs is burnt out? Isn't that the whole pain in the ass of putting up Christmas lights? I know Brenda doesn't venture out into the real world very often, but she must read "Garfield" every once in a while, and that's got a joke about burned out Christmas lights every year. Oh, man, this one time, Garfield tried to find out which bulb was burnt out by placing Odie's tongue on each socket!!! Oh, the hilarity! I didn't think I would EVER stop laughing! Hmm...I think my standards of comedy have dropped since I've started recapping this show. Annie leaves, and Simon asks Carlos if "they hang lights where [he's] from," obviously thinking that Carlos's "weird" name and slightly ethnic looks mean that he's from a different country, because Simon is an ignorant little jerk. Carlos says he's from New York, and thus very familiar with lights. He should have just said he was from Mexico and no comprendo ingles, because now he has to help Simon hang lights. Simon asks Carlos if he's ever seen "Cats, the musical?" Right, as opposed to Cats, the play, in which two cats sit around picking at balls of yawn for two hours. It's very avant-garde. Carlos says he's a self-respecting New Yorker, and so would not be caught dead going to Cats. Simon says that the Cats cats aren't real cats, and isn't that just amazing? Not if you've ever watched Zoobilee Zoo, it isn't. Did David Gallagher piss in Brenda Hampton's coffee or something? First he's wearing tiny PJs and now he's talking about how awesome a Broadway musical is. Poor kid must have gotten beaten up after school for weeks following the original airing of this episode.
Ruthie and some random woman walk into the kitchen. Ruthie tells Annie that she and "Jenny" are going to get some mistletoe at the tree lot. "Oh, that sounds like fun!" Annie screams in delight, because stuff like that is fun when the highlight of your day is choosing which potholder to use. Jenny establishes herself as Matt's lazy toenail-painting girlfriend when she says that she came over to see Matt, but he's at his new job, so she thought she and Ruthie could hang out instead. That's a booby prize if I ever saw one. Annie says she'd love to come along, but she can't because she has other things to do. Well, that's probably for the best, considering that no one actually invited her. She tells Jenny to make sure that Ruthie sits in the back seat, "away from the airbags," and runs upstairs to get RevCam. I wonder if Annie was ever this particular about vehicular seating arrangements for the twins? Oh, that's right -- they're lucky if she remembers to throw a graham cracker behind the couch every few days. Ruthie asks Jenny if they can stop at the mall and see Santa. Oh, wow, this Matt-as-Santa storyline is gonna suck even more than I thought it would.
Upstairs, RevCam is one the phone with Tim Conway, boring the old guy to tears by bragging about his collection of old 45s, which contains albums from "everyone, from Petula Clark to Rufus Thomas." What, no Ricky Nelson? I thought he was RevCam's favorite! Tim tells RevCam to "bring them in" so he can take a look at them. Annie waddles in, and RevCam pretends he's talking to a "Mrs. Thomas" about her husband and how he doesn't want to go to church on Christmas. Then he hangs up. Tim Conway's all, "WHAAA? [makes heee-larious confused face]." For some reason, Annie is suspicious, and asks RevCam all kinds of questions about what he's doing and who he's on the phone with and why he's in Matt's bedroom. RevCam deflects attention away from himself by asking Annie where she's going. "Wouldn't you like to know?" Annie says, trying to act all coy, and then ruining the effect by doing the pregnant shuffle out of the room.
Oh, dear. Lucy and Mary are talking about the "Latin hottie" Mary brought home. Just because his name's Carlos, he gets the "Latin" adjective? I hate this show. Mary says that Lucy is welcome to cast a "holiday honey" in her live nativity scene. "Holiday honey"? Methinks the writers have been reading a little too much Cosmopolitan. Or drinking too many cosmopolitans. Oh, that was me. Lucy says she might as well, since Jordan is going to dump her when he gets whatever crappy present she ends up giving him. Mary warns Lucy not to get "Christmas crazy." Mary, the alliteration is seriously stupid. Sara suggests stopping. So says Sars? Sorry. Mary tells Lucy to open her present to find out what she has to buy against. Lucy says she can't; Jordan told her to wait until Christmas. Mary grabs the present and peels back some of the wrapping paper to take a peak. She laughs, then tells Lucy that her beloved got her a shoeshine kit. Lucy grabs the present and opens it to reveal a plain cardboard box. She opens that and pulls out a wooden box with a little foot stand on it. How the hell did Mary instantly know that that was a shoeshine kit, especially considering the fact that all she saw was the side of an unmarked cardboard box? It must have been a Christmas miracle. Of lazy script-writing.
Annie walks into a pawnshop and says hi to "Rocky," a.k.a. Tim Conway the Terminally Untalented. Okay, and why is Annie on such good terms with the owner of the town pawnshop? Annie asks Rocky if he ever got a buyer for the jukebox he had in the window. He says he got some lookers, but no buyers. "Yes, I know," says Annie. Then why did she ask? What a waste of Tim Conway's time, although I'm sure he has plenty to spare. She asks if she can trade something for it, then offers up her mother's ugly-ass cross, saying that her mother left her other jewelry that's "more practical" (what, like a ring that doubles as a food processor?), and she never found a chain nice enough to wear it on, so she thinks she can part with it. Tim Conway says he can't take it. Annie says she wants to give RevCam something really nice, since she won't be able to afford anything after the twins are born and he's been so tolerant of her during her ca-RAZY pregnancy and all the "heck" she's put him through. She's sure her mother would approve. I don't she would approve at all. I think she would say, "If your stupid husband would just wear a freaking condom, you'd be able to buy twenty jukeboxes without having to trade any of the stuff I gave you, you ungrateful cow!" ["I think she'd also tell her daughter to quit ripping off O. Henry. I hate this goddamn show." -- Sars] Tim Conway points out that it's a cross, which we all knew already, but thanks anyway, Dorf, and Annie says that she wears her religion in her heart, which is also where she keeps her mother's memory. Tim Conway sighs. "It's gonna be a long show," he thinks.
At the mall, it's Ruthie's turn to sit on Santa's lap. Jenny bends down to take a Polaroid of this special moment, at which point she magically realizes that Matt is Santa, even though he's wearing a beard that covers most of his face and a hat that covers his signature greasy hair. Ruthie recognizes her brother as well, and pulls his beard down and screams. The bitter elf grabs the Polaroid and takes a picture. Then he smiles. I love the elf. We go to commercial with a shot of the picture developing. Suffice it to say, neither of them is looking their best.
Back at the CamPound, Lucy is (what else?) whining to RevCam about how she's been calling people about the nativity scene auditions all day. Except not really, since we've seen her in the garage and her bedroom, and she certainly wasn't working on the nativity scene there. RevCam offers her a ride to the church in lieu of sympathy. She says no one is even going to show up, and she'll be spending the day staring at the wall. RevCam suggests taking her shoeshine kit along to keep herself occupied. Lucy does not appreciate the humor. That's okay, because RevCam is having a grand old time laughing at his own joke. I'll give it to him.
Simon hangs a light in the living room, then turns to the watching Carlos and tells him that Cats is based on a poem. Oh, my freaking God, we're still talking about stupid Cats. Carlos begs Simon to change the subject. Simon says that the CamRents will figure out what Carlos's deal with his family is. Carlos says that's not likely -- he doesn't want to talk about it because it's too painful, and he won't be around for long anyway. This should be Simon's cue to do something tactful and considerate for a change and leave the subject of Carlos's family alone, so, of course, he doesn't. He says that no subject is too painful for the Camdens, and they'll get it out of him before he leaves. On an asshole roll, Simon decides to embarrass Mary by pointing out that she's obviously interested in Carlos, and says that even if Carlos doesn't return her feelings, that will be enough to get RevCam and Annie involved in his life and figuring out why he's not with his family for Christmas. Carlos didn't have to run away from home for all that attention from RevCam and Annie; I think it's pretty safe to say that just his very existence on this planet is enough to get stalked by the CamRents. Carlos hands Simon up some Christmas lights so he'll shut up already. It works on Simon, if not The Saxophone of Sadness.
Lucy's at the Glenoak Church of Non-Denominationalism, where a large crowd of auditioners has gathered. As she registers her surprise at the turnout, the camera does a rapid track-in on her face. That's a lot of work to put into such an undesirable result, if you ask me. Lucy asks if everyone is here for the auditions. Some surly punk teen-ager (I hear that's how they spelled it in the fifties, anyway) with evil dyed blue hair says he wants to be Jesus. Lucy says he's too old; Jesus is a baby. Who's crying right now, I'd imagine.
Tim Conway praises RevCam on his wonderful record collection, which he claims is in perfect condition, even though it's been stored in junky cardboard boxes in a humid space for the last fifteen years or so. Ever the salesman, Tim tells RevCam he should hold on to his 45s. RevCam says he wants to trade them in for something for Annie, who's been such a "trooper" through her pregnancy. Not really, though. I saw those episodes. He wants to get -- can you believe it? -- a chain for the allegedly beautiful cross her mother left her. Tim Conway stares at RevCam, his mouth agape, because even he can't believe how lame this show is, and he was in Cannonball Run II.
Annie and Carlos polish the jukebox in the garage (wow, great hiding spot there, Annie. Surely RevCam will never go in the garage, even though he was just in there this morning) while Annie blathers on about how wonderful Christmas is "even if you're not religious." Yes, that's right -- only Christianity counts as a religion in the Camverse. Matt and Ruthie run into the garage, Matt still clad in his Santa suit. Matt whines that Ruthie just got him fired, while Ruthie whines that Matt ruined Christmas for her forever. What a baby. Matt shows a surprisingly degree of awareness when he notices that there's someone else in the room. He asks Carlos who he is. Before he can answer, Ruthie yells at Matt again and he runs out. Annie rewards her evil spawn with a hug. Carlos looks glad that he left his family so he doesn't have to deal with this kind of crap.
Mary is on the Lame Clear Phone with operator Ruth Buzzi, trying to find the phone number of Jordan's Uncle Sal. Ruth and her giant face are reluctant to help until Mary says that Lucy is "a Rules girl." At this, Ruth jumps forward and says that she "lives by The Rules -- that's how [she] managed to snag [her] fiancé." Yeah, and it only took her, from the looks of it, fifty-seven years to do it, too. Carlos enters the room briefly, sees Mary sitting there, and backs right back out again. Mary smiles longingly at him, because she doesn't know how to take a hint. Ruth tells Mary that she has a number for Uncle Sal. Mary smiles as The Saxophone of Audition Montage revs itself up.
Considering that Lucy was so bummed about having to do this stupid live nativity scene and all, you'd think she wouldn't be so picky at the auditions she didn't think anyone would show up for. And yet, we have to suffer through many, many shots of her turning down potential live nativity scene participants. At one point, she "humorously" falls backwards off her chair. Then RevCam comes in and expresses similar dissatisfaction over the potential participants. After all that fuss, Lucy just chooses a group at random.
CamDen. Simon puts some lame sunglasses on and prepares to turn his lights on, which he's placed randomly about the living room walls. He plugs them in, and they flicker and die. It's sort of a metaphor for Simon's life, if you think about it. The doorbell rings as Annie walks in. She's momentarily blinded by either the brightness of the lights or by how unbelievably tacky they look. She puts on a pair of nearby sunglasses, because who doesn't have sunglasses in convenient locations around their living room in the middle of winter? Matt storms downstairs and asks if anyone is planning to answer the door, as whoever is behind it has grown so impatient in the five seconds since s/he arrived that s/he has started knocking and ringing the doorbell simultaneously, like, learn some patience, asshole. Simon and Annie come to the door, which Matt is standing behind, refusing to answer on account of he's still wearing his Santa pants, and I guess that's supposed to be embarrassing. Annie answers it to reveal Jenny, all dressed for a party. Matt comes out from behind the door and tells her that he left her a message that he got fired, so he couldn't pay for tickets to the dance after all. Jenny says she has a surprise for him. Ruthie realizes that she hasn't had everyone's full attention in at least five minutes and walks through the foyer, whining about how she'll never get over Matt being Santa. They pay her little mind, and she goes upstairs. Matt leaves with Jenny. Annie turns to Simon and tells him to "go back in the living room and take another look at those lights," which doesn't look like much written out, but was delivered in a creepily seductive way, like she does when she tells RevCam to go upstairs and "check on the twins." Weird, and ew.
Over in the CamKitchen, RevCam, Carlos, and Mary are playing an intense card game. We know it's intense because Mary's jaw is hanging slightly less open than usual, so she must be trying to concentrate. The doorbell rings. We get a close-up on everyone's faces, peering at each other from over their cards. Stephen Collins has huge red rims under his eyes, which I can only assume he's developed from crying so much after he reads each week's script. The doorbell continues to ring until Mary throws her cards down and leaves to answer it. RevCam asks Carlos if he has any threes. Carlos tells him to go fuck himself. I mean, "go fish." That's right -- they're playing Go Fish. You didn't think they'd be playing anything sinful like poker, now, did you? With Mary out of the way, RevCam is free to tell Carlos his true feelings. Or tell him that he talked to Carlos's family and they want him back for Christmas, and there's a plane ticket waiting for Carlos at the airport to that end. The first option is really the more plausible one, when you consider how much work and time would go into finding Carlos's family in New York City, especially considering that we don't even know Carlos's last name. Maybe RevCam got lucky and Jo Anne Worley was the operator and hooked him up. Carlos is all, "My father actually paid for my plane ticket?" to which RevCam is like, "No, someone who works at the soup kitchen did." Way to extend that first olive branch, there, Carlos's dad. Mary comes back in and says that the person at the door was "just Mom." Wait -- Annie was standing outside, ringing the doorbell to her own house? Why? Doesn't she have her own house key? And would she even need it, considering how often the CamDorks leave their doors open so strangers can wander around their house? Maybe Annie just does this every once in a while for attention. RevCam announces that he just "fished [his] wish." This apparently ends the game. RevCam looks meaningfully at Mary and Carlos and goes to bed. Mary and Carlos stare at each other. Dude, they're totally gonna get married.
Jenny directs Matt to park somewhere. She gets out of the car, but he has trouble unfastening his seat belt because he's pretty dumb. After finishing a comedy routine that was as funny as Lucy's falling-off-the-chair debacle of three paragraphs ago, he runs over to a fountain, where Jenny is playing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" on a cheap-looking boom box. They dance. Jenny says she feels bad about taking Ruthie to the mall, but she's giving herself the Christmas present of not feeling guilty about anything. Matt says it's too bad Santa can't give that gift to everyone. Yeah, because then we'd all be sociopaths like Ruthie! How wonderful!
Morning in the CamPound. Lucy answers a call from Jordan on her Lame Clear Phone. He wishes her a merry Christmas Eve, then asks if she opened her present yet. Lucy doesn't really answer. Jordan says that Sal's monkey just opened her present -- he accidentally switched the gifts and gave Lucy the gift he meant to give Sal's monkey. He gave a monkey a Christmas present? And the present is a shoeshine kit? I don't even know what's going on anymore. Lucy asks what her real Christmas present is. It's a game ball from a basketball game Jordan won single-handedly or whatever. It's signed by his entire team, and he wrote "I love you" on it. Lucy pauses for drama, then tells Jordan that she loves him too. Okay, but that present sucks. I'd be all, "Yeah, yeah, that's great. Where my jewelry at?" And the actor playing Jordan is really terrible. I mean, Jimmy Moon was pretty bad, but at least he knew how to enunciate.
At the soup kitchen, the lady in charge asks Mary about Carlos. Mary says he left without even saying goodbye, although he did leave a note that thanked the CamFam for letting him stay with them -- being with their family made him realize how much he missed his own. I can see that; when I spend time with the Camdens, I often miss more pleasant experiences. Like the time I got severe food poisoning, or that time I had to stand outside in the freezing rain for two hours. It is revealed that the person who paid for Carlos's ticket was the lady who runs the soup kitchen, which shouldn't surprise anyone since you could figure it out by the simple process of guest-star elimination. Soup Kitchen Lady says she makes one charitable donation each year, and this was it. Mary says that the lady runs a soup kitchen all year, and surely that should also count as a charitable donation. No, says Soup Kitchen Lady, because the soup kitchen is a gift she gives herself. "You wouldn't believe the stuff I can write off with this place," she adds. Maybe she just thought that part.
Even though this storyline seemed to be completely and totally finished, we're back at the mall. Some annoying kid tells the elf (who is now in Santa garb) that he's too small to be Santa. Elf throws the kid to the ground as an audience of soccer moms gasps in horror. Matt comes out of nowhere to smooth things over, first pausing to tweak the new elf (Jenny, who finally got off her toenail-painting ass and decided to contribute to society) on the nose. Matt says that just because Elf is a "little person" doesn't mean he should always have to play an elf or a leprechaun. Where did he get "leprechaun" from? No one mentioned leprechauns! Elf starts quoting Shakespeare until Matt tells him to knock it off. Jenny yells that Matt and Elf are scaring the children. The two guys hug, since they're apparently that tight with each other, after having worked together for half a day, and part ways. It's a good thing Matt was there to help the little guy out, because he surely wouldn't have able to handle things himself, being disabled and all. This show teaches such good lessons.
RevCam wraps a present as Simon complains that he hasn't found a good present for Ruthie that will restore her belief in Santa Claus. RevCam suggests prayer. Simon says that surgeons don't practice on their own children. RevCam apologizes for thinking of the man who put the "Christ" in "Christmas." Well, he is a pastor. He should think of Jesus once in a while. Even if it is only once in eight seasons. Present wrapped, RevCam leaves, giving Simon the opportunity to take a knee and talk to God. First, he thanks God for delivering on the last thing he prayed for -- Happy. That's worked out well, Simon says, except for the time Happy got hit by the car. Hey, maybe God wouldn't have run your dog over if you hadn't waited three years to thank him for giving her to you. Simon asks God to get him something that will restore Ruthie's faith in Santa, because if she believes in Santa, she'll be able to work up to bigger things, like him. That's terrible logic; first of all, there's a common Christian argument that the hype Santa always gets overshadows the fact that the holiday is about Jesus, and completely takes away the holiday's significant religious value. And secondly, if Ruthie's faith in God is based on her ability to believe in people like Santa, then what happens when she inevitably finds out that Santa doesn't exist? Anyway, the point is moot since we all know that Ruthie only believes in Satan. Speaking of the Child of Darkness, she bounds downstairs and into the kitchen, followed by Annie. Ruthie asks Simon what he's doing. Simon says he's washing the floor. Annie leans over and seductively whispers into Simon's ear that his washing the kitchen floor is the best Christmas present he could have given her. Then she gives him a long kiss on the cheek. What is up with those two today? Simon looks horrified, either because his mom was just totally coming on to him, or because he now has chores to do. He gives God a sarcastic laugh. He's gonna get smited so hard for that.
Here's a horrifying sight -- a hugely pregnant woman and Stephen Collins doing some sort of bump and grind to "Jingle Bell Rock." Fortunately for me, the kids pile in and announce that it's time to open presents, even though it's Christmas Eve. Ruthie demands that she go first, because she has no manners. Simon tells Ruthie that her gift hasn't arrived yet. Ruthie asks if it's too late to switch present givers. My hate for Ruthie reaches new depths. The CamRents laugh as if what Ruthie just said wasn't bratty and ungrateful. Simon says that in the meantime, he'd like Ruthie to have his ratty old candy cane pajamas. She says that "it's about time." It's about time you got hit in the face, troll. Matt gives Simon his present. It's fifty bucks. Matt says he got some money from his job, and he figured the best thing to do with it was to give Simon "some of the money [he] owed [him]." If money is the ultimate "fuck you" present, then what's money that is already owed to you? Lucy says her gift was Mary calling Jordan and clearing up Shoeshinegate '98 (and just how did Lucy know that Mary even did that? We'll never know). Even though no one asked or really cares, Lucy tells them what Jordan gave her Christmas -- the very cheap gift of expressing one's love. RevCam makes a snide comment, earning an elbow to the ribs from Annie. Careful, Annie! In just one season, that kind of behavior could give your husband a massive heart attack! Lucy gives Mary her gift -- she's going to volunteer at the soup kitchen every Saturday for the three months. Mary reminds her that the soup kitchen is running low on its supply of attractive male co-workers. "Who?" Matt says, in a lazy throwaway line that adds nothing to the story. Lucy says she didn't do it for the Latin hotties, as she's in love.
Ruthie gives Matt his present. It's a card with the Polaroid picture that Elf took of Matt and Ruthie. Ruthie says that she's forgiven Matt, since it was RevCam who got him the Santa job. "Yeah, Dad, how dare you!" Matt says. RevCam rolls his eyes as everyone laughs at him for being ultimately responsible for destroying Ruthie's Precious, Precious Belief in False Idols. They continue to laugh as Ruthie gives Matt his present -- a pair of absolutely disgusting, dirty, fuzzy dice. Those things are probably filled with hepatitis. I wonder if the Camdens will still be laughing when their livers fail and they all turn yellow? I will, anyway. Annie opens her gift from RevCam. It's an ugly chain. He says it's for her cross as his eyes tear up. Jeez, RevCam cries more than Survivor Lill. Annie says she loves it, but doesn't mention that she no longer has the cross to put it on. She directs RevCam to his gift, which is hiding behind the curtain. How did they pull that off, getting a huge jukebox behind a curtain without RevCam noticing? RevCam pulls the curtain back to reveal a jukebox-shaped wrapped present. Yes, that's right: Annie wrapped a whole jukebox. She's just the model of domestic efficiency. RevCam unwraps his present, and Annie plugs it in. She says that the only thing missing is RevCam's old records. They cry some more and make out. The kids take off, because they've been around long enough to know what's .
The morning, Simon and Ruthie wander downstairs. Simon complains that it's five in the morning, but Ruthie says she heard something. They open the front door to the tinkles of chime sound effects. Tim Conway's standing there wearing a Santa suit, but no hat and no beard, which kind of ruins whatever effect they were going for. He gives the kids a gift for Annie and a gift for RevCam. Ruthie asks who they're from. Tim Conway says Santa, then ho ho hos himself off the show. Simon wishes Ruthie a merry Christmas. She asks him if that was his gift to her. He says it was. Ruthie runs upstairs, screaming in a most aurally unpleasant manner about how she just saw Santa. Simon looks up to Heaven and thanks God. God's like, "Kid, I just sent you Tim Conway. That wasn't supposed to be a gift."
Folks pile into church to check out the live nativity scene. And guess what? The entire cast backed out at the last minute, so all the Camdens have to play parts in it. There's Simon as the shepherd (with Happy as a sheep), Annie as Mary (the virgin, not the one who posed nude for a men's magazine), and RevCam, Matt, Lucy, and Mary as four guys with beards. I'm almost positive that Eric is Joseph and the other three are the wise men, but I could be wrong, seeing as I know very little about the whole nativity scene deal. Annie says she's glad everyone backed out because she loves being in the live nativity scene. The kids say that they knew she would, so they "made some calls." That sounds ominous. Oh, and there's Ruthie, playing some kind of angel. She recites something about the birth of Jesus. I think we should all be really, really, glad they didn't make her play Jesus. I mean, I'm not even Christian, and I'd still be offended.
And with that, I wish you all a Mary Christmas, a Happy Hannukah (see how I worked two of the Camdens' names in there? Brilliant!), and, if you celebrate none of the above, a pleasant winter. See you in January!