Her hair unflatteringly curled outwards and her lipstick applied way too thickly and in entirely the wrong shade (I'm not even the kind of person who notices these things, but with this show, it's almost impossible not to), Lucy asks Mary what really goes on at those sleepovers. In her heart of hearts, Lucy still believes that, after the lights go out, someone "throws their [sic] sleeping bag on top of someone else's," which sounds like a rather difficult, not mention uncomfortable, way to have sex to me. Mary says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Lucy changes the subject slightly and asks Mary when she thinks she'll have sex. Mary says she has a "high-school plan," and that plan is not to have sex in high school. "So when?" Lucy demands to know, "in college?" Mary says she'll think of a "college plan" when she gets to college. Except that, as we now know, Mary never quite makes it to college. She must have had to make an "employed as a flight attendant on a second-rate airline" plan instead. "WHY isn't your plan to WAIT until you're MARRIED?" Lucy asks, as if she's Brenda Starr with all these questions. Except that Brenda Starr was a much better dresser. Mary says that she's too young to imagine getting married, so if she plans to wait until then, she might start to think it's hopeless and just have sex before she's ready. Those were some surprisingly wise words from Mary, even though, at age sixteen, she's only a few years away from marrying age in the family-values-rich world of this show! Mary tells Lucy that if she doesn't stop with the questions, she'll scream for help, to which Lucy smugly replies that if Mary does that, then she'll be forced to tell the help that comes what they were talking about. Oh, got you there, Mary! Except, not really at all. Nevertheless, Mary relents and just sits on the bed with her mouth hanging open.
Jordan calls, and Lucy asks if he just got home. He says that he never calls right when he gets home because that would make him a "wuss." Instead, he walks around for a while collecting his thoughts, and then calls Lucy. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, Jordan; they're still served whipped and topped with cheese. Jordan says that he's decided not to go to the sleepover after all; he'd rather be with Lucy, providing that she'll agree to go out with him even though he's past his date-making deadline. He has to follow a deadline to date his own girlfriend? Damn you, The Rules! Lucy agrees to Jordan's request for a date, then tells him that, time, he doesn't have to hide co-ed sleepovers from her: "It's not like I'm going to go Fatal Attraction on you." Oh, please do, Lucy! In lieu of a bunny, you can boil Ruthie. Anyway, Jordan says that he won't be going to any more co-ed sleepovers; his mom wasn't comfortable about it. He thinks his mom is overreacting because, like Mary said, no one's going to fool around when there are a bunch of other people around. And, he adds, if people really want to have sex, they'll find a way to do it no matter what rules their parents make. "So...have you ever found a way?" Lucy asks, trying to be all cool about it but also making her voice rise several octaves as she speaks, which sort of defeats the purpose. Jordan hesitates, and then says that he has, but that he doesn't want to talk about it. I was shocked at this, because from watching this show, I assumed that premarital sex always lead to pregnancy, and I wasn't aware that Jordan had any children.
“ RevCam asks whether Sam has a diploma or a GED. Nope, he doesn't. 'One useful skill?' RevCam asks. Well, if his girlfriend is pregnant, then he obviously has at least one useful skill. ”
His first babysitting class apparently completed, Simon storms into the house and says that he doesn't need to go to more classes because he knows all there is to know about the subject. He even knows how to "make someone throw up." Hey -- me too! Just watch The WB every Monday at 8. Annie says that she'll be glad to have Simon's help when the twins arrive. "No offense," Simon responds, "but, um, I doubt you can afford me." Well, they can presumably afford to keep you sheltered, clothed, and fed, so that's really enough, isn't it, you ungrateful brat?
Annie tells RevCam that she's having her rapidly made baby-class friends Barbara and Cassandra over for dinner tomorrow for a vegetarian meal that can be made into baby food. Sounds pretty disgusting for both the adult and the child. Also? "Barbara"? "Cassandra"? Not only are those names way too long for me to type out over and over again, they're also more of Brenda Hampton's names from the '50s. So I'll be calling them "Babs" and "Cassie" instead. Hey, better to have names that were popular in the '70s than twenty years before that, right? RevCam says he's looking forward to a dinner of strained carrots and peas, at which point Annie breaks the news that he'll be spending his evening talking the father of Cassie's baby into coming to the baby classes, and trying to get Sam, Babs's boyfriend, a job. RevCam asks whether Sam has a diploma or a GED. Nope, he doesn't. "One useful skill?" RevCam asks. Well, if his girlfriend is pregnant, then he obviously has at least one useful skill. Because fornicators are a wicked folk, it turns out that Sam does have a criminal record. Annie doesn't know the specifics of Sam's offense because "[she] didn't want to butt into every aspect of their lives -- that's [RevCam's] job." Harsh, but true. Annie says that she and the girls will meet up with RevCam and the boys at the pool hall and have dinner. But...wait...I thought that they were going to make a vegetarian dinner? Couldn't they just eat that instead? Annie's plan just gets more and more needlessly complicated by the second. Also, who goes to a pool hall for the specific purpose of eating dinner? Isn't pool-hall food kind of nasty?
Ruthie wanders into Simon's room and demands that he use his new skills to babysit her ugly dolls, one of which is lactose-intolerant. I don't know.
Matt walks around the Crawford Clown College campus bitching to one of his classmates that he still doesn't have an idea for his sex project. His friend says that he's all set with his -- he'll be interviewing the CamRents! Matt does not punch him in the face for that tasteless joke told to the wrong audience. The friend says that his real project will be to videotape men saying the lines they use to get women to have sex with them, and then he'll cut in shots of women responding to those lines in different ways. Then his sister will deliver a monologue about how men don't talk women into anything because women have minds of their own and can make their own decisions. "Wow," you might be thinking right now, "what kind of a creepy weirdo would ask his sister to participate in his human sexuality project?" Don't worry -- you'll find out soon enough.