After the obligatory establishing shot of the CamPound, night version (which would be just like the day version, but dark, with cricket sounds, and with the red Fisher-Price car apparently garaged for the night), Jordan walks through the CamDen carrying Lucy over his shoulder. Wow, when I said that this show had antiquated views on relationships, I was thinking "1950," not "50,000 B.C." I guess I was a little off. Mary walks in, and Jordan reminds her about "tomorrow night." Mary looks annoyed and leaves the room, bonking Jordan on the head with a book as she passes him. At least Mary uses books for something; it's pretty obvious that she doesn't read them. Lucy gives Jordan what looks like a major wedgie and commands him to put her down. He grunts, then does so. Lucy demands to know what Mary and Jordan are doing together tomorrow night; last Lucy heard, Jordan was going to a "basketball thing," and Mary was going to a sleepover party with the girl's basketball team. Because Lucy is an idiot, she does not figure out that these two events could somehow be related. Mary's voice howls down to Lucy from upstairs that Annie wants to see her, enabling Jordan to make a quick getaway. Well, as quick as a fish-lipped caveman can move, anyway.
Lucy runs upstairs and meets Mary, who tells her that Annie doesn't really want to see Lucy; Mary just told Lucy that so that she and Lucy could talk. About girl's basketball team sleepovers. And how last week's included the boy's basketball team and tomorrow night's will as well. Lucy's jaw drops at the scandal of it all. Mary explains that her teammate Corey's parents let the boys and girls hang out in the basement and watch movies. Surely this can't be the same Corey that we see only one season later telling Mary how she never had people over at her house because she had a secret daughter. Oh wait, this is 7th Heaven we're talking about, where continuity exists in an entirely different universe in which our rules of logic don't apply, so I'm sure it's exactly the same Corey. Lucy expresses surprise that their strict parents would let Mary go to a co-ed sleepover, to which Mary responds that they don't exactly know about it. Oh, there Mary goes again, acting like a totally normal teenager while her actions are portrayed as atypical, irredeemable, and stupid. I would say that only one of the three is applicable here. Lucy asks when Mary and Jordan were planning to tell Lucy about this. Mary says that she wasn't going to tell her at all. Lucy asks whether anyone is "kissing, or making out, or having sex" at the sleepovers. Mary says that the presence of twenty or so other people in the room kind of makes intimate moments impossible, but Lucy says she doesn't believe her. Well, why did she ask if she thought she knew the answer already? I hate when people do that.
Matt walks by the Duo of Dumb, listening to some music on his headphones and lamely half-dancing along to it. Upon seeing his sisters, he turns the music off and asks what's going on. From their vague responses to his query, Matt is somehow able to deduce that they were just talking about sex. He can "see it" in their faces. Well, again, if he thought he knew the answer, why did he even ask? Stop wasting my time, Camdens! Mary says that Matt just has sex on his mind because he's trying to think of an idea for his upcoming human sexuality class project. Oh, and Matt? Taking a class on human sexuality does not count as having sex. Because I know that's why you took the course, so I just want you to be fully informed before drop/add period ends. Figuring that it's always a good time to remind the little ladies to remain chaste, Matt tells his sisters not to have sex. "That means you, Mary," he says, even though Mary's single and Lucy's the one with the serious boyfriend. The guitar strums merrily as if brothers telling their younger sisters not to have sex is normal and not creepy at all.
The shot of RevCam hugging Lucy in the opening credits would be so much sweeter if I didn't see the episode it was from and thus know that he was hugging her because she just got her period.
The Opening Credits Timewaster consists of female hands picking up car seats with ugly baby dolls in them. Not to worry, fans of racial segregation -- the white women take the white dolls and the black woman takes the black doll. No interracial marriages implied here! Three pregnant women stand in a very tight circle and pat each other's bellies, like, do pregnant women actually do that? I tried to ask my mom, who was watching the show with me and has first-hand experience, but this show had already bored her to death so she couldn't respond. Pregnant women and their partners sit on blankets and put diapers on the baby dolls. Some of the birthing-team pairs consist of two women, but I doubt that this is any sort of reference to homosexual relationships, since, again, this is 7th Heaven we're talking about and any homosexual couples who lived in Glenoak would have been run out of town by RevCam and the Glenoak police force long ago.
Annie walks in and the instructor welcomes her to the "My First Baby" class. Annie says she was actually trying to find the "alternative" birthing class; since she is expecting her sixth and seventh babies, she was planning to try something different. "How about a condom?" a random girl blurts out. Okay, that was pretty awesome, albeit extremely rude. Annie frowns, not sure whether she should be offended. I don't even understand why she needs to think about it; if I were Annie I would have already told that girl that her parents should have worn a condom and then stormed out of the class, knocking car seats filled with dolls to the ground with my wildly-swinging handbag. The teacher explains to Annie that the alternative class is on a different day, but that Annie's welcome to join this class as a "visiting Ph.D." "It's okay if you don't have a partner," the teacher says, mistaking Annie for an Evil Single Woman. Annie is quick to set her straight, awkwardly blabbering that she certainly does have a partner, but that he's off signing their son Simon up for a babysitting certification class. Then Annie feels the need to explain to everyone that Simon is taking the class with his girlfriend so that they can earn some extra money. Oh, no! Is awful Deena going to be in this episode too? I don't think I can stand it. RevCam comes in and pronounces that he feels old, surrounded as he is by all these young soon-to-be-parents. This would have been the perfect place for the Condom Bitch to say something, but unfortunately, she chooses to remain silent.
Her hair unflatteringly curled outwards and her lipstick applied way too thickly and in entirely the wrong shade (I'm not even the kind of person who notices these things, but with this show, it's almost impossible not to), Lucy asks Mary what really goes on at those sleepovers. In her heart of hearts, Lucy still believes that, after the lights go out, someone "throws their [sic] sleeping bag on top of someone else's," which sounds like a rather difficult, not mention uncomfortable, way to have sex to me. Mary says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Lucy changes the subject slightly and asks Mary when she thinks she'll have sex. Mary says she has a "high-school plan," and that plan is not to have sex in high school. "So when?" Lucy demands to know, "in college?" Mary says she'll think of a "college plan" when she gets to college. Except that, as we now know, Mary never quite makes it to college. She must have had to make an "employed as a flight attendant on a second-rate airline" plan instead. "WHY isn't your plan to WAIT until you're MARRIED?" Lucy asks, as if she's Brenda Starr with all these questions. Except that Brenda Starr was a much better dresser. Mary says that she's too young to imagine getting married, so if she plans to wait until then, she might start to think it's hopeless and just have sex before she's ready. Those were some surprisingly wise words from Mary, even though, at age sixteen, she's only a few years away from marrying age in the family-values-rich world of this show! Mary tells Lucy that if she doesn't stop with the questions, she'll scream for help, to which Lucy smugly replies that if Mary does that, then she'll be forced to tell the help that comes what they were talking about. Oh, got you there, Mary! Except, not really at all. Nevertheless, Mary relents and just sits on the bed with her mouth hanging open.
Jordan calls, and Lucy asks if he just got home. He says that he never calls right when he gets home because that would make him a "wuss." Instead, he walks around for a while collecting his thoughts, and then calls Lucy. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, Jordan; they're still served whipped and topped with cheese. Jordan says that he's decided not to go to the sleepover after all; he'd rather be with Lucy, providing that she'll agree to go out with him even though he's past his date-making deadline. He has to follow a deadline to date his own girlfriend? Damn you, The Rules! Lucy agrees to Jordan's request for a date, then tells him that, time, he doesn't have to hide co-ed sleepovers from her: "It's not like I'm going to go Fatal Attraction on you." Oh, please do, Lucy! In lieu of a bunny, you can boil Ruthie. Anyway, Jordan says that he won't be going to any more co-ed sleepovers; his mom wasn't comfortable about it. He thinks his mom is overreacting because, like Mary said, no one's going to fool around when there are a bunch of other people around. And, he adds, if people really want to have sex, they'll find a way to do it no matter what rules their parents make. "So...have you ever found a way?" Lucy asks, trying to be all cool about it but also making her voice rise several octaves as she speaks, which sort of defeats the purpose. Jordan hesitates, and then says that he has, but that he doesn't want to talk about it. I was shocked at this, because from watching this show, I assumed that premarital sex always lead to pregnancy, and I wasn't aware that Jordan had any children.
His first babysitting class apparently completed, Simon storms into the house and says that he doesn't need to go to more classes because he knows all there is to know about the subject. He even knows how to "make someone throw up." Hey -- me too! Just watch The WB every Monday at 8. Annie says that she'll be glad to have Simon's help when the twins arrive. "No offense," Simon responds, "but, um, I doubt you can afford me." Well, they can presumably afford to keep you sheltered, clothed, and fed, so that's really enough, isn't it, you ungrateful brat?
Annie tells RevCam that she's having her rapidly made baby-class friends Barbara and Cassandra over for dinner tomorrow for a vegetarian meal that can be made into baby food. Sounds pretty disgusting for both the adult and the child. Also? "Barbara"? "Cassandra"? Not only are those names way too long for me to type out over and over again, they're also more of Brenda Hampton's names from the '50s. So I'll be calling them "Babs" and "Cassie" instead. Hey, better to have names that were popular in the '70s than twenty years before that, right? RevCam says he's looking forward to a dinner of strained carrots and peas, at which point Annie breaks the news that he'll be spending his evening talking the father of Cassie's baby into coming to the baby classes, and trying to get Sam, Babs's boyfriend, a job. RevCam asks whether Sam has a diploma or a GED. Nope, he doesn't. "One useful skill?" RevCam asks. Well, if his girlfriend is pregnant, then he obviously has at least one useful skill. Because fornicators are a wicked folk, it turns out that Sam does have a criminal record. Annie doesn't know the specifics of Sam's offense because "[she] didn't want to butt into every aspect of their lives -- that's [RevCam's] job." Harsh, but true. Annie says that she and the girls will meet up with RevCam and the boys at the pool hall and have dinner. But...wait...I thought that they were going to make a vegetarian dinner? Couldn't they just eat that instead? Annie's plan just gets more and more needlessly complicated by the second. Also, who goes to a pool hall for the specific purpose of eating dinner? Isn't pool-hall food kind of nasty?
Ruthie wanders into Simon's room and demands that he use his new skills to babysit her ugly dolls, one of which is lactose-intolerant. I don't know.
Matt walks around the Crawford Clown College campus bitching to one of his classmates that he still doesn't have an idea for his sex project. His friend says that he's all set with his -- he'll be interviewing the CamRents! Matt does not punch him in the face for that tasteless joke told to the wrong audience. The friend says that his real project will be to videotape men saying the lines they use to get women to have sex with them, and then he'll cut in shots of women responding to those lines in different ways. Then his sister will deliver a monologue about how men don't talk women into anything because women have minds of their own and can make their own decisions. "Wow," you might be thinking right now, "what kind of a creepy weirdo would ask his sister to participate in his human sexuality project?" Don't worry -- you'll find out soon enough.
Meanwhile, at the high school, Lucy nags at Jordan to reveal the sordid details of his sex life. He tells her to stop asking him about it and walks away. Mary enters the scene from out of nowhere, thoughtfully giving Lucy someone to whine to in her moment of need. She's worried about Jordan having so much more experience than she has, and also wonders why he hasn't tried to have sex with her yet. Mary suggests that it is because he cares for and respects her. Lucy thinks it's because she's ugly. Hey, maybe it's both reasons. Mary asks Lucy "how is the weather in the land of the big-time stupid?" Well, Mary, judging by your nice, even tan, I'd say it's sunny and clear. Lucy says that she should have sex with Jordan to see how he really feels about her. Always knowing entirely wrong thing to say and do, Mary responds that Lucy is "still a baby," and then walks away. Telling someone who wants to have sex that she's "a baby" is like when Captain von Trapp told Rolf that he would never truly be a Nazi. Rolf got offended and warned the other Nazis where the von Trapps were hiding. They would have been caught if those nuns hadn't wrecked the Nazimobiles!
Like the mother no one ever had, Annie places a stack of freshly-baked chocolate-chip cookies on the table and asks Simon and Ruthie what they're doing tonight. Simon says he wants to babysit but can't get any clients. As Annie makes what alternates between an expression of sympathy and one of intense pain, Simon explains that no one will to hire someone with no experience, and that one can't get experience without being hired. Way to give up after trying for ten minutes, there, big guy. "It's a fishy circle," Ruthie says, prompting Annie to laugh and laugh, and then tell her that she means "vicious circle." I'd like to say Ruthie's little quip was funnier than today's "Family Circus," but you know what? It wasn't. You see, Billy went on one of his little dotted-line adventures, and he actually tipped over a neighbor's paint can when he jumped through the ladder it was resting upon! Oh-ho-ho, my sides are splitting just thinking about it! Simon and Annie look at each other, and then at Ruthie, as it slowly dawns upon them that Simon could babysit Ruthie tonight and get the necessary babysitting experience. Hip to their plan, Ruthie says, "Don't look at me! I mean it -- don't look at me!" No need to tell me twice, Ruthie! I try to avoid looking at you as often as possible, especially when you're performing "patriotic" sexed-up versions of Tom Petty songs I used to like. Annie tells Simon that he has to get Ruthie to want him for a babysitter. Simon says he'll try, and then leaves. Annie looks around to make sure no one is looking, then puts the platter of cookies into the oven. What a great hiding place! Maybe Ruthie could hide in the oven time she plays hide and go seek. Maybe the oven could also be on. Yeah, I've really got to stop talking about killing Ruthie. People are going to start to think I have a serious problem.
Simon comes into Ruthie's room, where she tells him that she's been there, done that babysitting thing with Matt, Mary, and Lucy, and that she doesn't want to do it with him. Simon says that if Ruthie lets him babysit, he'll split what their parents pay him fifty-fifty. Ruthie laughs at the idea that he'll get paid at all (guess the church collection plate was running low this week), and then says that the only way she'll agree to let him babysit is if he lets her do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. He agrees as long as it doesn't involve knives, fire, or cars. Stupid Simon -- you forgot to ban napalm, which I'm absolutely sure Ruthie has lying around her room somewhere. Maybe behind that dollhouse? Oh sure, it looks innocent with its gingerbread trim, but I think I see a false bottom. Simon and his sister shake on their "deal," and Simon walks away, quite pleased with himself. Ruthie laughs in stereotypical evil-villain-fashion. That girl ain't right.
Matt walks to his car, where he is approached by two girls, who ask Matt out for pizza. HA! HA! HA! What a funny, though cruel, joke to play on Matt, pretending to ask him out like that. Oh, but wait -- they're serious! How sad to see two fairly attractive women be so desperate at such a young age. Matt turns them down because he needs to work on his sex project. Hey, Matt: if you play your cards right, pizza with two girls could very well become your project. Girl One says she already turned in her project. Suck-up. She says that she interviewed teenage female athletes about why women who play sports tend not to get pregnant. "You can't get pregnant if you're playing basketball!" she says. Well, what if you went for a lay-up and came back down on some guy's penis? I don't know a whole lot about basketball, but I'm sure it could happen. Matt says that this is good to hear because one of his younger sisters plays basketball. Why does Matt always mentally connect his sisters to sex and vice versa? Actually, you know what? Don't even answer that; I don't want to know. Girl Two declares that she'll be interviewing couples who have been together for more than fifty years and still have "great sex." She says this smiling instead of cringing, like I am right now. Also, is the entire student body of Crawford Clown College taking this class? Matt says that he hasn't thought of a topic yet, which surprises both girls. "You look like you think about [sex] all the time," says Girl Two. I'm pretty sure that that's an insult, so I'll forgive Girl Two for asking him out for pizza. She's obviously come to her senses. Girl One, however, appears to be a lost cause.
On the lame clear phone, Lucy tells Jordan that she doesn't want to go out with a group tonight -- she wants to be alone with him. "I don't know what's going on here," Jordan says, "but you and I both know that your parents prefer that we hang with a group. And I can't even imagine asking your dad if it'd be okay if we took a little moonlight drive to nowhere." "So don't ask," Lucy says, lowering her voice to sound all sexy-like. "What? Why are you whispering?" Jordan asks, obviously Not Getting It. In more ways than one, now. Lucy drops the sultry tone and shrewishly demands that Jordan pick her up at 8, then hangs up on him. Mary comes in and nosily asks what's going on. Before Lucy can answer her, loud music wafts into the room from downstairs.
It turns out that the kitchen is the source of the music, as we see Annie and two pregnant teenage girls dancing around the counter island to the "The Locomotion." Sigh. They are instructed to "swing [their] hips now," which one of them does so forcefully that I am concerned for the safety of her baby. All three women appear to be enjoying themselves immensely, thus making me wonder how two teenagers so lame managed to get kissed, let alone have sex. Oh, by the way, Babs is played by Alison "always plays fourteen-year-olds" Lohman and Cassie is played by Christine "not Staci Keanan" Lakin. I'll bet neither of them puts this show on their résumés now. Well, Alison probably doesn't, anyway. Mary and Lucy come downstairs to see Cassie pretending to sing into a big wooden spoon while Annie do-si-dos with Babs. How do I know they were do-si-doing? Let's just say that I had a very strange childhood. Mary and Lucy start doing the butt-bump dance, at which point Cassie runs over to the radio and shuts it off. Thanks, Cassie.
Annie introduces Mary and Lucy to Babs and Cassie, and Lucy tells them that she's fifteen and Mary is sixteen, even though no one asked about their ages. Babs and Cassie say that they're both sixteen. Mary and Lucy respond to this by rudely staring at them, futilely trying to conceal their disgust. Annie asks whether Mary and Lucy want to join in their vegetarian babyfood bake-a-rama. Lucy says she can't because she's having burgers with Jordan. Cassie says that, seven months ago, she too went out for a burger, and look at her now. Babs says that she went out for sushi. They ate raw fish and then had sex? That is some strong willpower, there. The two girls laugh heartily while Mary and Lucy look uncomfortable. Annie drills Lucy about where she and Jordan are going and who else is going with them. Lucy's slight reluctance to respond prompts the Pregnant Peanut Gallery to comment that they used to be just like Lucy when their parents asked them questions. So is this show trying to say that teens who don't provide their parents with instant answers to their questions must be going off to have unprotected sex? That's just fabulous. Mary and Lucy say goodbye to the girls, then make a quick exit before they catch pregnant. Cassie feels her baby kick, but the happy moment soon turns sad because nothing about an illegitimate teenage pregnancy can ever be happy or good like a married woman's pregnancy. Cassie mournfully says she wishes that she could keep the baby inside her until she's ready for it, which would be after she graduates school and gets a job. The baby's going to be three years old by then! That's going to be one painful labor and delivery. Annie says that she will help Cassie get all the things she wants for herself and her baby, which is funny considering that we never hear from her again, although she does appear briefly in the hundredth episode. Babs says that she wishes she could go back seven months and tell her boyfriend that she didn't have to "prove anything" to him, "so back off!" Sad music plays, because when teenagers have sex, it's really sad. Annie hugs Babs comfortingly, but you know she's really thinking that the girl is an evil whore who will one day burn in the fires of hell for her lascivious behavior.
At Eddie's "Come for the Dinner" Pool Hall, RevCam is helping Babs's boyfriend Sam fill out a job application. Sam looks like he's spent more time in a print ad than in a jail cell, but that's okay. I enjoy eye candy. He's currently complaining, in a sexy gravelly voice, that he has to fill out so many forms for a job he isn't even guaranteed to get. RevCam says that the Eddie and the Pool Hall crew know all about how he served time for "possession of crack cocaine," and want to give him a second chance. Well, that's very charitable of Eddie's Pool Hall, if slightly ill-advised. Sam then reveals that he doesn't know how to read. RevCam is taken aback, but assures him that the illiteracy thing is no problem -- RevCam can fill out the applications for Sam after the interview, which will be conducted by RevCam as opposed to a pool-hall staff member. And Eddie's Pool Hall goes from "slightly ill-advised" to "completely stupid" in one fell swoop. Sam tells Eric that he needs this job so that he can get his own place and marry Babs, because she said that she would only marry him if he got a job. Sam says he wants to "do the right thing" by Babs, then adorably adds that he's going to be the "best table-cleaner-upper" his new daughter has ever seen, because before he got involved with Barbara -- and through her, RevCam -- he never had a chance at anything like this. RevCam smiles, all teary-eyed, because knowing how good he is at changing lives is what keeps him going.
Back at the CamPound, Babs tells Annie about her ultimatum to Sam, adding that she only created the job condition because she didn't think he could get one, and therefore they would never get married. How passive-aggressive of you, Babs. Not to mention stupid. ["And now it becomes clear why she and Annie became such fast friends." -- Wing Chun] It turns out that Babs has no intention of ever marrying Sam because she's sixteen and he's a twenty-five year-old criminal. Whoa, he's twenty-five? And he had sex with a then-fifteen year-old girl? Sam's kind of pervy. Still cute, though. Annie is simply baffled by the idea of someone not immediately wanting to marry the father of her child. Babs says that it's a shame her baby won't have married parents, but that she doesn't think she even loves Sam; she only told Sam she loved him "as an excuse to have some fun." Hold on now, Babs: a few scenes ago, you were sobbing into your ugly turtleneck maternity sweater that Sam pressured you to have sex, and now you're saying that you're the one who lied about being in love just so you could do it? Which one is it? Cassie tells Babs that she doesn't have to marry Sam, and then asks for Annie for backup. Annie is torn; on one hand, premarital sex is wrong and if Sam and Babs don't get married then their children will be always bear the stain of their parents' sins. On the other hand, telling a sixteen-year-old girl to marry a twenty-five-year-old crackhead seems just as wrong. Annie wisely gets out of the moral dilemma entirely with a snide remark about how it's good that Sam is getting a job because "babies like food and shelter. They're funny that way." Brilliant advice, Annie, although I'm pretty sure providing your new baby with food and shelter was one of the first things covered in the "My First Baby" class. In fact, it may have even been in the pre-class reading homework. Cassie wonders aloud how RevCam will do with the father of her baby, "Crazy Roger," who doesn't even know that she's pregnant, although apparently he'll be finding out soon! But don't think that Cassie's setting a benevolent pastor up to get punched in the face -- surely Roger isn't the type to harm the bearer of bad news. People with nicknames like "Crazy Roger" are often an even-tempered and meek sort of folk. Babs asks Cassie why she never told Roger about the baby, to which Cassie responds that she hasn't been able to speak to Roger ever since she dated his brother. Babs just laughs at this, while Annie cries the Tears of a Clownface into the vegetables she bought at the local Piggly Wiggly.
Crazy Roger -- who looks nothing like the menacing hulk of barely-suppressed rage I was expecting (and, to tell you the truth, hoping for) -- walks up to RevCam and asks what Eric wanted to meet with him about. RevCam says that Cassie was hoping he would be interested in "joining [them]," meaning the baby class. Roger thinks that RevCam is trying to get him to join the church, and says he has no interest in religion, and that he only came to meet with RevCam because his friend saw Cassie recently and said that she looked "sick or something." Oh, that's great. What exactly, Roger's friend, did you think Cassie was "sick" with? What illness could possibly explain her sudden and extreme weight gain in the lower abdominal region? Severe gas? Unchecked internal bleeding? A huge, rapidly-growing tumor? Idiot. Roger says he assumed that RevCam wanted to meet him to tell him that Cassie was dying. And this would be one of those times when the saying "when you assume, you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'" rings so very, very true. Sam -- whose illiteracy apparently renders him unable to read between the lines and stay out of important conversations -- walks up and congratulates Roger on being a father. Roger is all, "Say WHAT?" and RevCam is all, "Oh, whoops, I thought you knew," and the Sad Guitar is all, "Pling pling pling strummmmm."
Matt enters his room, tosses his school stuff on the bed, and starts to read a book. He's just about to get to the part where Curious George's misadventure turns out to be fortunate for all involved, thus allowing the Man in the Yellow Hat to forgive him, when Lucy walks in. Matt is rude to her at first, but then apologizes, saying he's just frustrated about not having an idea for his sex project: "I'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with me because I have nothing to say about sex." There is, and you don't. Matt pauses, then says that he shouldn't have even brought sex up in front of his "baby" sister, "even though [he knows Lucy] and Mary talk about it all the time." He says this wistfully, no doubt wishing that he, too, could take part in these scintillating discussions. Matt asks Lucy if Mary's using the sleepover as a cover to sneak out with a guy. Lucy puts the brakes on Matt's fantasies by telling him that Mary is indeed going to a sleepover. Lucy suggests that Matt do his project about "first time experiences." Matt says that Lucy's idea is so great that he can't believe that she, of all people, thought of it. Lucy snaps that Matt shouldn't be so surprised since she is fifteen and she knows "a thing or two about life." Okay, I'll give Lucy one or two things, but I draw the line there. There's no way that someone as pathetic and sheltered as Lucy knows three or more things about life.
Annie walks Jordan and Lucy to the front door, telling them that she hopes that they have a good time bowling and eating burgers with their friends. After reminding the two of Lucy's curfew, Annie walks away. Lucy informs Jordan that they are not going bowling as Mary lumbers downstairs wearing an ugly pleather jacket and carrying a sleeping bag. She asks Lucy and Jordan if she can hitch a ride with them to the sleepover. Lucy says that Mary just doesn't want Annie to drive her because then she'll find out that the sleepover is co-ed and that Mary has been lying to her. Well, duh. Jordan says that everyone's a liar tonight, and that he'll give Mary a ride. Mary asks what Jordan and Lucy are lying about. Jordan says that they're lying about bowling, at which point Lucy basically tells him to shut up. The three leave.
Upstairs, Simon breaks out the Parcheesi, explaining to Annie -- who's just popping up everywhere in the CamPound tonight -- that his babysitting class said that "kids like board games." This is what the Camdens get for taking instructional classes at the Glenoak Y -- tips like "babies like food and shelter" and "kids like board games." Simon says that he's just going to let Ruthie do what she wants to do tonight, making Annie frown and say that Simon is a "surrogate parent" when babysitting, so it's his job to make sure that Ruthie's fun is of the "clean" and "safe" variety. I guess that rules out the Porn Film Festival and the Razorblade Swimming Adventure. Damn. Annie leaves the pool-hall phone number with Simon and tells him not to bother Matt, who will be up in his bedroom working hard on his sex project. Awwww yeah...bamp chicka bamp bamp.
Annie comes into Ruthie's room, where the little brat gives Annie her permission to stay out as late as she wants. Yeah, I'm sure Annie was just waiting for the good word from you before she finalized her plans. Annie asks Ruthie if she's planning to give Simon a hard time, which leads into a long and boring walk down babysitting memory lane as Annie tells us about the unfortunate things that happened to the older three Camden kids when they attempted to babysit Ruthie. Fortunately, Annie is trying to sit her hugely pregnant self in one of Ruthie's tea party chairs while she speaks, which was entertaining enough to keep me awake. Annie asks Ruthie to "go easy" on Simon, then kisses her goodbye and leaves. Ruthie rubs her hands together and smiles wickedly.
RevCam and the guys play pool. It's about time someone used this pool hall for what it was intended. As he chalks his stick, RevCam suggests to Roger that he go home to let some of the shock wear off before he sees Cassie. Roger says he needs to stay and talk to her. RevCam offers Roger some unsolicited, though surprisingly good, advice, delivered in typical RevCam style: "More than likely [pause], someday Cassandra will [pause] tell [pause] your son [pause] or daughter [pause what you said when you found out [pause] you were having a baby, and those words [pause] will stay with your son or daughter for all of his or her life, so I just -- I just want to suggest to you --" and then Annie enters the pool hall and calls out to RevCam, thus interrupting him before he can finish his platitude. Annie runs up with Babs and Cassie in tow. Sam tells Babs that he got the job, and she does a poor job of pretending to look happy about it. Roger tries to say something to Cassie, but settles for crying into his pool stick, being sure to lower his head so we won't notice that he has no actual tears in his eyes. "He knows," RevCam says to Cassie, as if this wasn't totally obvious. If only RevCam hadn't delivered his advice to Roger with so many pauses for dramatic effect. He could have gotten everything out before Annie interrupted him. Now Roger's kid is going to hear about how his dad cried with sadness when he found out about him, and be scarred for life. He'll probably become really bitter and cynical about everything around him, especially television shows that depict warm and loving families so unlike his own. In fact, he may even start doing snarky recaps of these shows for a website, still trying to please the one man who will never care enough to read them -- um, I think I might be projecting a little bit here. Back to the show. (And yes, I am kidding. My father's reaction to hearing of my existence was, by all accounts, very positive.)
And now we're at the "Dairy Shack," where Lucy and Jordan are greeted by a way-too-friendly counterguy named Arnold, who Lucy knows because he just joined the church. Arnold asks Jordan if he wants his order for here or to go. Jordan says "for here," but Lucy says, "Make it to go," suggesting to Jordan that they eat in his car. While it's parked at "MacArthur's Point." Yes, Lucy, what more romantic way to lose your virginity than in your boyfriend's mom's car after eating greasy food. What a special time it will be for you. Jordan says that the CamRents would not approve of a trip to "MacArthur's Point," and Arnold agrees. Lucy spins around and tells him to shut up. Oh, what's the matter, Lucy? It's not so fun when other people are listening to your private conversations instead of the other way around, is it? Maybe you can learn a valuable lesson from this. You won't, of course, but you could. Jordan and Lucy argue back and forth about where to eat their dinner until he finally agrees to get the food to go. Lucy tells Arnold to shut up again. I'll bet being treated like this by the pastor's daughter makes Arnold feel really glad he chose RevCam's church.
In the CamPound, the Soprano Saxophone of Merriment blares as Ruthie rollerblades all over the hardwood floors. I am less than pleased to report that she is wearing a helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads. Simon chases after Ruthie, begging her to rollerblade on the carpet instead of the floor because she's leaving marks on the wood. Right, because black smears on the carpet are so much easier to clean. Ruthie says that she will not skate on the carpet, so Simon begs her to think of something else to do. Ruthie suggests jumping rope in the front hallway. With one end of the rope tied to the staircase banister. Simon agrees, and sends Ruthie off to get the jump rope while he tries to move a table that is blocking the proposed jump rope area. I never noticed a large, circular, oak table in the middle of the foyer before. That's probably it's only here now for plot-furthering purposes. Or should I say, "plot"-furthering purposes, since I'm pretty sure that this is too stupid to be considered an actual plot. Poor Simon's not having much luck moving the heavy table. I attribute this to the fact that he's pushing it at a downward angle, thus creating a greater force of inertia for him to have to overcome. He may want to consider pushing forward and at a slightly upward angle. It would probably also help if he were to take some of the heavy items off the table first. Matt comes downstairs, and Simon asks him for help. Matt says he "can't stop" because he's "really into this project and [he doesn't] want to lose [his] train of thought." As Matt walks off into the kitchen, Simon remarks that he bets those trains "don't come around too often." I'd say it's more like "never," but let's not split oily hairs. Ruthie comes back downstairs, rope in hand, and Simon is sad to inform her that they have to change their plans because he can't move the table. "Maybe I can read a book to you in your room," Simon suggests hopefully. Ruthie says she would rather play cops and robbers. After ascertaining that Ruthie does not intend to use handcuffs for the game (I can't help but feel that I dodged a serious bullet there), Simon agrees. Ruthie smiles evilly and says that "this rope might come in handy." You know, even though Simon was kind of an ass earlier in the show, I feel genuinely sorry for him now.
In the kitchen, Matt appears not to be working on his project at all as he looks around for some cookies to go with the tiny half-gallon container of milk he got from the fridge. I know I've commented on how ridiculous it is that this family doesn't buy economy-sized portions of everything, but a half gallon of milk? Are you kidding me? We had four people in my house while I was growing up -- one of whom was lactose-intolerant and another who just wasn't a fan of dairy -- and we still went through a full gallon of milk every week, sometimes even sooner. A half-gallon of milk for a family of seven isn't just cost-ineffecient; it's also a great way to find yourself going to the grocery store twice daily. Actually, maybe Annie does this so that she'll have a reason to leave the house every day. Matt finally finds the cookies in the oven where Annie left them for reasons that will never be explained. Matt starts to eat a cookie, but then he hears Lucy's disembodied voice repeat her earlier conversation with him about first time experiences. He chews slower and slower as he realizes that Lucy was hinting that she was going to lose her virginity. "I'm an idiot!" he says, throwing down his cookie and leaving. No argument from me!
Back at Eddie's "Great Place to Have Serious, Life-Altering Discussions" Pool Hall, Babs is lecturing Sam to the effect that even though she said she wanted to have sex with him, this is still all his fault because she was too young to know better and he was older and "smarter." Smarter? But...he's an illiterate crack user! Sam looks stricken.
Roger says it's not fair that he now has a lifelong connection to Cassie through their child. Well, Roger, a lot of things in life aren't fair. For example, it's not really fair to me that you're such a bad actor and I have to watch you. Roger asks Cassie why she went out with his brother when she knew she was pregnant with Roger's child. Cassie says, "[she] wanted to get back at [Roger] for doing this to [her]." The hell? Babs and Cassie need some serious lessons in blame-assignment. Roger says that their child is going to be mad at them one day for "not being the family [they] should have been before [they] created it." Cassie says that the baby isn't "an 'it.' He's a boy." Roger starts crying again.
Over in the corner, RevCam and Annie look on sadly. "I don't want to be judgmental," RevCam says, "but there really is nothing good to be said about teenage pregnancy." When they write dialogue like that, I have to believe that the writers are actively trying to make me hate these characters. ["And since when doesn't RevCam want to be judgmental?" -- Wing Chun] Annie agrees with Eric, of course, adding that they're lucky to have Matt, Mary, and Lucy. I guess Simon, Ruthie, and the upcoming twins are unlucky, then? RevCam and Annie toast to their three favorite children.
Matt walks in to the Dairy Shack and asks Arnold whether he's seen Lucy and Jordan. Arnold's expression turns hilariously solemn as he tells Matt that they were there an hour ago. "I'm guessing they took their burgers up to MacArthur's Point -- your sister's idea, from what I overheard," Arnold says in low tone. "Guessing"? Didn't they outright say that they were going there? Matt runs out before he can invite Arnold to live in the CamPound, where his nosiness and overreacting would fit right in with the rest of its residents.
Matt slowly and safely drives his car up to the famed MacArthur's Point, where he finds Jordan and Lucy innocently talking in Jordan's car. With all the build-up this MacArthur's Point got throughout the show, I was expecting something a little grander than a gravelly road with an okay view, but I guess I should be used to bitter disappointment by now with this show. Matt yells at Lucy to get into his car. Jordan tries to talk to him, but Matt doesn't want to hear it. Of course, Lucy gets out of Jordan's car and into Matt's, like, grow a spine, Lucy; he's your brother, not the police. You don't have to do what he tells you to. Jordan tells Matt that he'd like to talk to RevCam before Matt does, at which Matt threatens him with physical violence. Very mature, Matt. Lucy starts punching Matt's chest wimpily and whining that Matt had no right to embarrass her because she's not a child anyone. Mind you, she says all this while throwing quite the impressive temper tantrum, so I don't think she's really proved her point. Matt says he would rather she be embarrassed than do "something stupid." Lucy spits back that what she was doing isn't half as stupid as what Mary is probably doing at the co-ed sleepover. Matt looks less than pleased at this revelation, and Lucy looks sorry that she said it, although you know that privately she's not at all sorry, because she did this on purpose in the time-honored sibling tradition of getting each other in trouble so that the parental rage can be divided equally among many instead of focused on just one.
Simon struggles to free himself from the banister Ruthie has tied him to as she calmly eats cookies beside him and revels in his misery. He begs and begs her to untie him, but she refuses. Solely to create the following "hysterical" scene, Ruthie says that she wants to admire her handiwork from a different angle. She climbs up a few stairs, sticks her head through two spindles, and then screams bloody murder. Unfortunately, she's not actually being murdered; her head is caught between the spindles, even though there's obviously more than enough room for her to be able to extricate herself. Not that I'm complaining; watching Ruthie's pain makes me smile. Simon asks Happy to untie him, but she just falls asleep on a nearby chair. Oh, Happy, you truly are the best character on this show. Ruthie tells Simon that he's the worst babysitter ever and that it's his fault that she's stuck in the staircase. What is it with women blaming men for their self-caused misfortunes this episode? Is this another facet of family values that I don't understand? Just then, the CamRents come home, their plot apparently wrapped up nicely even though we saw no proper resolution. Upon seeing their restrained children, Annie twists her head around and makes gasping noises while RevCam shrugs helplessly.
Mary and Matt walk away from the site of the sinful sleepover party. Because he is a self-righteous ass, Matt does not help Mary carry any of her luggage. They pile into the car, whereupon Mary informs Matt that she is never going to speak to him again. He says that she will speak to him, and that he will speak to her and Lucy. From the back seat, Lucy asks if it's possible that no one could speak to the CamRents about this. Come on now, Lucy: you know that Matt absolutely lives for the chance to tell your parents about your and your sister's sex lives.
Back at the CamPound, we see that Jordan the fish-lipped tattling loser has already arrived and told the CamRents his side of the story. RevCam -- who is now wearing an ugly grey cardigan -- asks where Matt and Lucy are now, and Jordan says that he thinks they went to pick up Mary. Annie asks why they would be doing that, and Jordan says that Matt seemed upset that the sleepover was co-ed. RevCam's eyes widen in shock and Jordan realizes that the CamRents didn't know about the co-ed factor of the sleepover either. Annie looks like she's about to cry and RevCam paces and hits the top of the doorway with his hand. Wow, he must be really pissed. Eric says that he respects Jordan for coming to the CamPound to tell the truth, but that he now has "some truths" for Jordan. He says that Jordan is older than Lucy and, because he's athlete, has probably already has "some experience." But...I thought Girl One said that athletes were less likely to have sex! ["Only girl athletes -- and that's probably because boys don't like girls with big muscles anyway." -- Wing Chun] RevCam says that Jordan and Lucy may not be alone together outside of the house. Annie adds that she would like to see Jordan at the house more often, to which RevCam turns to her all like, "What? No! We don't want that! We have enough damn kids!" Annie ignores RevCam and adds that she wants to get to know Jordan better and maybe even meet his parents. Maybe he could drop by sometime with "one, or the other, or both, if you'd like!" Both? Annie's out of control! Annie concludes that she thinks that Jordan is responsible and honest, and that he respects her daughter, and that she likes that.
RevCam leads Jordan out of the house, saying that he probably doesn't want to be there when Lucy, Mary, and Matt come home. Too late! The three are walking in just as Jordan is leaving. Lucy's jaw drops in shock for about the seventeenth time this episode as Mary and Matt take turns throwing their arms up exasperatedly. Jordan says he'll call Lucy tomorrow, and leaves. Annie and RevCam stare angrily at the girls. "I've already talked to 'em," Matt says smugly, stopping just short of polishing his nails on his ugly jacket as he does so. The CamRents tell Matt to go to bed. He leaves. Annie says that she will speak to Mary in the kitchen, while Lucy will speak to RevCam in the CamDen. I'm not sure who got the better deal there. Suddenly, Matt comes running back downstairs and asks if anyone would mind if he videotaped the conversations for his project. They don't. I would -- quite a bit, actually. In fact, I don't think I know anyone who would be even remotely agreeable to the prospect of having a greasy-haired loser sticking a camera in his or her face for any reason, let alone for a sex class project.
We get to see the few scenes in "Matt-Cam." Everything's black and white, with a little "record" sign flashing in the top right of the screen and the time on the top left. It's like The X-Files meets the PaigeCam, only much less interesting and much more stupid. And infinitely more creepy, as you'll soon see.
12:01 AM. Mary paces around a seated Annie in the kitchen, saying that she isn't going to have sex, and if she were, she wouldn't have to go to a co-ed sleepover party to do it. Oh my God, how many times are we going to hear about how big parties aren't the place to have sex before the writers decide that we get it? "Good point," Annie says, even though it isn't because guess what? I've been to big co-ed parties where quite a few participants seemed to have no qualms about public displays of affection. Annie continues, "Under what circumstances would you have sex?" Mary responds by turning around and glaring at the Matt-Cam.
1:03 AM. Lucy points out to RevCam that Romeo and Juliet were only fourteen and they were in love. RevCam says that if she had actually read the play, she would know that it ended with them killing themselves. Well, she's not going to read it now that you've given away the ending, is she? Way to spoil good literature for everyone, Eric. RevCam says that Lucy is only fifteen and doesn't know if she's going to be with Jordan for the rest of her life or not. Lucy asks why, if one is planning to spend the rest of his life with someone, one should wait until marriage to have sex. RevCam responds by looking at the Matt-Cam.
2:00 AM. Now relocated to the kitchen, RevCam stirs his coffee and asks Mary why she lied about the sleepover if she didn't think she was doing anything wrong. Mary says that she didn't think she was doing anything wrong, but that she knew the CamRents would, so she lied. RevCam asks her why she thinks she's mature enough to make decisions like that, but not mature enough to stand up for them, preferring instead to sneak around. Mary turns to the camera, giving the innocent viewing audience another screen full of her face.
3:00 AM. How can so much time have elapsed when so little has actually been said? Annie tells Lucy that Lucy needs to have a "plan" about sex, and obviously, Annie would prefer that Lucy's plan be to wait until marriage. Lucy says that's fine, but "is there something in between that? You know, more than kissing, less than having sex?" Annie's facial expression at this would be appropriate if she just found out that the world was ending. For her daughter asking about second and third base? A little much. Oh, and Lucy: you're fifteen and you go to public school. Surely you have some idea of what's in between kissing and sex. Come on now.
6:00 AM. Annie and RevCam are sleeping on the couch, Lucy is sleeping in a chair, and Mary is sprawled out on the floor. I guess all that talk about sex was so exhausting that they couldn't travail the relatively short distance to their real beds. And was Matt taping his family sleeping this whole time? This episode just gets weirder and weirder. Simon and Ruthie walk in, up earlier than any children their age realistically would. Simon tells Ruthie, "Kids shouldn't be taking care of kids; I'm too young." Theme anvils successfully dropped, Simon leaves the room. Ruthie wakes up her parents and asks them where babies come from. Then, in a show of spectacular special effects that has not been seen since Pleasantville, the scene changes to color. The CamRents pull Ruthie onto their laps and start to explain. If it were me, and my kid woke me up at 6 in the morning after less than three hours of sleep, the reaction would have been much, much different.
Matt turns off the tape, which was playing on the TV. Lucy asks him why he left the answers out of the video. "Because not everyone would answer the questions the same," Matt replies. That's a nice cop-out answer there, Mr. Did-The- Project-At- The-Last-Minute- And-So-Didn't- Have-Enough- Time-to-Edit. Mary asks him what he's calling the video, and he says the title is "The Nineteen-Year Talk." How appropriate -- that talk certainly seemed like it lasted nineteen years to me. Matt walks away, and Mary says, "You know, there are a few things I'd like to ask him." "Me too!" Lucy says. They run to catch Matt so they can hear everything he knows about sex. That should take about five seconds, including travel time.