Welcome to a Classic recap of 7th Heaven! Ah, a look back to when this show was still so fresh and so new. So many memories. You can almost smell them. Oddly, they smell like Chef Boyardee Ravioli. Huh.
Nighttime at the Campound. RevCam and Annie cuddle, no doubt after a bout of awesome married sex. Matt sleeps with his walkman on, Lucy is passed out and snoring to her transparent phone that hasn't been cool since 1992, and Mary is sleeping in her bed with Ruthie precariously balanced on her back. I'm torn; half of me doesn't want to see harm befall any child, but the other half would enjoy watching Ruthie fall off the bed. Simon sleeps high atop his bunk bed. Happy remains awake. Hopefully, she is using this time to plan her escape.
In the lower bunk lies a new, previously unseen child. At first I thought maybe the Camdens had taken in some less fortunate person, as they so often do to all of our displeasure, or perhaps this is Lucy's first in a long line of fiancés, again to our displeasure, but that kind of stuff didn't happen until the fifth season, so I guess this is Simon's new best friend who will never be seen or mentioned again after this episode. NewBestFriend is having a nightmare, so he shouts "no" and tosses and turns in the way that people only do when they have nightmares on television. The music abruptly changes from Happy Guitar to Sad Piano as Simon wakes up and Happy barks. Happy, this is your chance! Go now, while the boy is distracted! Annie and RevCam run into the room as Simon wakes his friend, named "Stan," up. ["I challenge you to find anyone born after 1950 who is named Stan. Shut up, Brenda." -- Sars] Annie asks Stan what his bad dream was about, and Stan says he can't remember. Because Annie and RevCam aren't just very light sleepers, but are also psychics, they instantly know that Stan is Hiding Something and could be In Trouble, and exchange looks to that effect. Annie leaves, but RevCam stays to try to find out what's really going on. Simon shoos him out, saying that he needs his beauty rest because looks like his aren't "all genetics." Yeah, best not to rely on those Camden genetics. As we've seen with Ruthie, they can be pretty darn unpredictable, and sometimes bordering on scientifically impossible. After RevCam leaves, Simon says that something Stan told him earlier was "really scary." Stan reminds Simon that he promised not to tell anyone, with his "most excellent" promise (more like "most lame name for a promise" promise, if you ask me), and Simon puts Happy down on Stan's bed, which is a sweet gesture. Stan unprofessionally stares directly into the camera as the scene fades out.
Hey, remember when the opening credits featured just members of the Camden family? And no scary twins? When the show was bad because of its unrealistic, narrow-minded, Utopian presentation of The Good Christian Family and not because it was filled with a bunch of uninteresting, non-Camden characters, twenty-year-olds getting married just to have sex, and the worst writing ever? Those were some good times...well, better times, at least.
In today's Opening Credits Time-Waster, generic rock music plays as Simon and Stan play basketball in slow motion. There once was a time when I thought that slow motion could make anything look cool; that time ended when this scene began. Stan makes a basket in the "Paldin"-brand hoop, which obviously used to be "Spalding" until some crewmember put black tape over the first and last letters. They should have gone for the funny by calling it "Brenda's Hoop" or something like that. Although, if they're going to have Brenda-sponsored sports gear, I'd like to see a "Brenda's Dartboard," with a picture of her face serving as the bull's-eye. The scene changes to regular motion as Stan says that he wishes he didn't have to go home. Simon asks him to sleep over again, and says that he and Stan are going to figure out a solution to "that other stuff." I am on the edge of my seat wondering what Stan's Big Nightmare-Inducing Secret is. Well, actually I'm on the edge of my seat because I'm reaching for a nacho, but part of me does kind of wonder what the secret is, I guess.
Lucy talks excitedly on the lame clear phone, then hangs up. She doesn't exactly say "goodbye," but she does say "see you later," so I don't think I can count this as hanging up on someone. Mary says that Lucy gets way too "jazzed" about going to the mall. Lucy blabbers on about how great the mall is, and then, in an unbelievable show of patheticness, says that when she dies, she wants her ashes to be spread from "level eight." Wow, that is one huge mall! I mean, damn. Eight levels? They've got to have like seventeen Hot Topics! Ruthie suddenly asks the girls how fast one hundred miles an hour is, because it's important that everyone have some kind of subplot, no matter how uninteresting. Mary has trouble explaining it, but says she'll think of an answer "eventually." Ruthie wants clarification as to how long "eventually" is. Well, Ruthie, let's use math to figure this out:
(Relative Annoyingosity of Question Asker x Stupidity Coefficient of Question Answerer) / (Degree of Question Difficulty) = Length of "Eventually" (in years)
Thus, (1 billion x 1.5 trillion) / 2 = a number higher than my crap-ass calculator can calculate. Suffice it to say, Mary is not going to be able to answer Ruthie's question in either of their lifetimes, and this is both of their faults.
Mary asks Lucy if she can hitch a ride to the mall, but Lucy doesn't want Mary hanging out with her friends. Oh, relax, Lucy. I'm sure a mall with eight floors has a JC Penney big enough for both of you to shop in without having to interact. Ruthie says that she and Mary can find their own things to do, then grins wickedly. Evil even at age five, our Ruthie. Mary tries to smile, then rolls her eyes, because spending time with Ruthie sucks.
And here comes Stan's sister, escorted into the backyard by stupid Matt. Her name is Karen, and she's played by Shiri Appleby, "Liz" from Roswell. If I ever watched the show, I could probably make some jokes about that, but I didn't. Sorry, Roswell fans! I'm sure you two will find a way to get over it, though. You know Karen's a nogoodnik because she's wearing a big baggy flannel shirt and big baggy jeans that are lamely rolled up at the cuff -- would it have killed the wardrobe designer to look in a magazine or two and find out how kids really dress? I'm not even going to knock the wardrobe person too hard right now, considering the blindingly awful clothing abominations that are soon to come. Karen also has a thick white belt, worn outside her belt loops, with a big gold belt buckle. Matt notices that the belt buckle has a "B" on it. He asks what it stands for. She says it's her nickname, "Babydoll." Suddenly suspicious, Matt says that Stan doesn't call her that. You see, Matt, often our family members won't call us by our nicknames, no matter how much we want them to. I've been trying to get my mom to call me "No Fear!" for years now, and she still refuses. Karen and Stan leave, and Stan says he'll be back later for another sleepover. Matt thinks it's odd that Simon didn't ask their parents before he invited Stan over again.
In her car, Karen wants to know why Simon looked "weird" when he was around her, and asks if Stan told him anything. Karen, Simon is a Camden. He's going to look weird whether he knows stuff about you or not. I mean, really. Come on now.
Standing by the kitchen window, RevCam disapprovingly says that Stan's sister looks "interesting." Because judging people based entirely on the clothes they wear is a good skill to teach the young viewing audience. Annie and RevCam wonder if something is going on with Simon's friend. Horrible Ruthie runs into the kitchen and asks Matt how fast one hundred miles per hour is. He says he doesn't know, and then goes to answer the doorbell. RevCam picks up Ruthie, and they have a -- I'll admit it -- cute conversation about Ruthie's plans for the day, which is ruined by frequent cuts back to a grimacing Annie. Annie suggests that Ruthie call some of her friends over to play, but after the producers hastily check their books and see that this episode has used up the tertiary character budget for the month as it is, Ruthie says she would rather play with Mary and Lucy.
Upstairs, Lucy packs for her trip to the mall. Mary wants to know what she's up to. Lucy says nothing, puts on an ugly jacket, and leaves. I find the sibling relationships on this show so strange. I wouldn't care if my brother was up to something or not, unless said something was, like, killing babies. Then I might act, depending on how cute the babies were. ["If it's the twins, stay put, missy." -- Sars]
In Simon's room, Matt and Simon talk about Karen's belt buckle. Matt says he's seen people with that same symbol tattooed on their hands, and it stands for their gang, which is called "Blackbird 16." Oh my God, lamest gang name ever. And it's not like I have nothing to compare it to. When I was in middle school, there was this gang in the swanky private school up the street that was named after the popular music group "S.W.V." (Sisters With Voices) called "S.W.G." (Sisters With Guns). Except that these "sisters" were eleven years old and lived in McMansions and went to private school and didn't actually own or have access to guns. And I thought, "Surely this must be the lamest gang name ever." But, as it has done so often before, 7th Heaven has proven me wrong. Beware of Blackbird 16, innocent Glenoakians! You thought drinking half a beer was bad? Look at this gang! They wear belts -- OVER their belt loops! They help their parents out by picking their younger siblings up at friends' houses! You don't want to mess with that! Simon tells Matt that Karen is indeed in the gang, and Matt says he is going to tell Mom and Dad. Simon is pissed that Stan's going to know that he broke his stupid "most excellent" promise, and kicks Matt out of his room, saying that he doesn't want Matt for a brother anymore. I'm glad you finally figured that out, Simon, but -- too little, too late. Guitars Of Sacrifices That Must Be Made For The Greater Good Of Being Nosy play as Barry Watson tries to act sad.
In the kitchen, Matt tattles to his parents about Stan's Secret. Then Stan's mom calls and asks if it's okay if Stan sleeps over again. Annie says it is, then says goodbye before hanging up the phone! Well, I am impressed. Despite their many, many, many faults, at least the Camdens once had decent phone manners. RevCam says there's no how-to guide for having a son whose new best friend has a sister who's in a gang, as if this lack of tree-killing paper guides is a bad thing. Oh, me and my evil caring about the environment. Clarinets play as Annie frowns nastily to express worry.
Pop-rock music plays as Lucy and her friends walk around the mall for a while. Sounds like something interesting is going to happen, what with all this build-up! They go into the bathroom, and the scene ends. If this were a good show, I would probably feel unfulfilled at this anticlimax. But all I feel is bored.
I laugh heartily as Simon and RevCam discuss Matt and his "slick ways" of getting secrets out of people. "Slick ways"? Only if said ways are connected to his hair. RevCam says Matt did the right thing and Simon shouldn't be mad at him. RevCam then finds a way to state this episode's theme about parents having to trust their children to do the right thing. Simon leaves, and Annie comes in. She's wearing a horrible faux-denim dress. Like, it's not even real denim; it's just supposed to look like it. As bad as the sailor top? No, but getting too close for comfort. RevCam says that he's going off-camera to talk to Sergeant Michaels about the gang, and then he'll see Stan's parents on-camera. Once again he hammers in the message of the show by saying that "you just never know what your kids are up to when you're not around."
Trivia tip, care of ABC Family network: 25 percent of women say that money makes a man more attractive, especially when the money is being spent on them. Yes, facts that make a quarter of my gender look like shallow gold-diggers are an excellent way to portray women to any children who may be watching. Although this really isn't any worse than some of the stuff they say on the 700 Club, which is also shown on this channel, so I'll stop complaining...
...but not for long! An exterior shot of the mall shows that there's no way it could be eight floors high. Lucy lied to us all. Music Of Dismay At What Kids Do When Their Parents Aren't In Their Faces Every Damn Second Of The Day plays as Lucy and friends exit the bathroom dressed like what I can only describe as prostitute drag queens. I mean not just prostitutes and not just drag queens, but that small part of the population who serve as both. Yes, the outfits are that tacky. One of them is wearing a short lacey white off-the-shoulder dress, and a brown coat with froofy white fur on the cuffs and neck. The other is wearing a tie-dyed cow-print dress with, like, a fishnet bodysuit over it, and high black boots. Lucy is wearing a short black skirt and a bare midriff, all covered with a weird translucent purple coat thing with black fur trim. Lucy's friends are both wearing bright red lipstick, and Cow Print is also wearing hot pink eye shadow. Lucy, while choosing a nice conservative lipstick color, has unwisely applied orange blush. Okay, I certainly was no fashion maven when I was their age, but I would never, ever, ever have done something like this to myself on purpose. I don't even know where one can buy a tie-dyed cow-print dress. The three synchronize their watches so they can be back at the bathroom and changed by the time their parents pick them up. Then they go off together, thus rendering the process of synchronizing watches a complete waste of everyone's time.
Mary comes downstairs, where she is verbally attacked by Annie, who demands that Mary bring Ruthie to her so they can go to the mall. Mary says she has to find Ruthie first, because they're playing hide-and-seek, and Ruthie's hiding. So, of course, Annie scolds Mary for not doing a good enough job of seeking Ruthie. Someone's got some pretty high seeking standards. Mary wants to know why Annie is going to the mall earlier than Lucy expected. "That's why they call me 'Mom,'" Annie responds. What a coincidence! That's also why they call you "antagonistic busybody."
Mary is stumped as to where Ruthie could be hiding. It must be hard being as stupid as Mary. Honestly, how does she figure out how to get out of bed every morning? She checks the hamper in the bathroom, but Ruthie's not there. Good, Ruthie. As it turns out, hiding in the bathroom laundry hamper is not too bright. I knew someone who did that at a friend's house, and then her friend's mom came into the bathroom. My friend didn't know what to do, so she panicked and popped out of the hamper while the poor lady was peeing and scared and embarrassed her to death at the same time. It was tragic. And messy. So don't hide in bathroom, kids. Annie comes out of the CamBoudoir and asks Mary if she needs to blot her lipstick. Mary and I say "yes." Annie says she knows where Ruthie is, but won't tell Mary because Mary was the one who promised Ruthie she would find her. And by the way, now that her make-up looks slightly less crappy than before she blotted, Annie's ready to go, so Mary had better hurry up. Wow, that's really annoying, to have someone not tell you where something is, and then tell you to hurry up and find it. Mary finally finds Ruthie sleeping in Simon's bunk bed. They got a lot of mileage out of that bed this episode.
RevCam is talking to Stan's parents about their gangbanger daughter. They are understandably dubious. RevCam is all, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I totally know how you feel," and the parents are like, "Um, no, you don't know how we feel and how dare you come into our house and tell us these things about our daughter, you smug bastard." I like the StanRents, even if they didn't actually call RevCam a smug bastard. I could tell they were thinking it, and that's enough. You recap this show enough times, and your standards really lower. The StanRents express surprise that a female could be in a gang. RevCam points out that gangs are equal-opportunity organizations. Well, that's good. A lot of other things aren't. Like certain television shows that pretend that minorities don't exist unless it's convenient to the storyline, and that homosexuals don't exist at all, ever. Stan's mom says that she doesn't think anything is going on with Karen, although things have been tense between Karen and Stan lately because she's been spending more time with her friends. RevCam asks if they've seen anything in Karen's room, to which Stan's dad snaps, "You mean, like, have we found any gang members milling around in her sock drawer?" So awesome. Then: "We don't search our children's rooms!" This is presented as if not invading your kids' privacy is a bad thing, which I don't think it is. RevCam says that he doesn't search his kids' rooms either. No, RevCam, you just "go out for ice cream." While wearing a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses. To watch your kids make out. RevCam patronizingly declares that "in cases like this, there's some kind of gang paraphernalia around." Stan's dad kicks total ass as he tells RevCam that his family is not "a case," and that he trusts his kids. RevCam lies and says that he trusts his kids too, but he doesn't know what they do when he's not around and "the possibilities are becoming more and more frightening." Surely they can't be as scary as the prospect of your daughter wearing terrible clothing and make-up in a public area -- oh wait. The StanRents, realizing that RevCam won't leave until they do as he asks, reluctantly agree to search Karen's room, while Stan's mom, who has suddenly Learned Her CamLesson, poorly delivers this stupid line: "I didn't know what to look for before today -- I didn't even know I needed to look. But I should have been looking -- harder. At my kids, at their friends, everything."
Piano and Guitar get together to play a Duet Of Nosiness as the StanRents, under the careful supervision of RevCam, search their daughter's room and find...nothing. RevCam is all, "Oh, whoops. Sorry I was nosy." No, he's just sorry that he's wrong. The StanRents are psyched that they were right about their kids after all. RevCam sulks and walks away, still determined to find a way expose poor Karen. In Glenoak, you're guilty until proven innocent.
Some crappy song plays as Lucy and friends walk through the mall and men of all ages stare at them as if they've never seen scantily clad teenagers before. Like, they stop dead in their tracks and drop their shopping bags with their mouths wide open. So either they're extremely rude and kind of pervy, or something actually interesting is going on right behind Lucy. Maybe there's a grease fire at the Ruby Tuesday's. Non-Cow-Print says that a "total hottie" is checking Lucy out. We see said "total hottie," a mall security guard who looks kind of like a young Harland Williams with a ponytail. Obviously, he is not a total hottie. He isn't even one of the fifteen bowls of Raisin Bran it takes to provide the same amount of riboflavin that's in one bowl of Total Hottie. He nods his head a lot as he spits out some lame pick-up line about having to detain the three girls because of how they look. Oh, maybe he's a member of the fashion police? It's about time they showed up. Now go get Annie.
The Original Gangsta (i.e. pre-electric) CamVan pulls up to the front of the mall. Ruthie pesters its occupants with her one hundred miles per hour question. Annie tries to explain it by saying that in the time it takes for Ruthie to watch "one Xena," they could travel one hundred miles. Wow, they let Ruthie watch Xena: Warrior Princess? Isn't that show violent and Godless? And rife with homosexual undertones? Mary asks if she can go get Lucy while Annie waits in the van, but Annie is wise to Mary's tricks and says that she needs to pick a few things up at the mall anyway, so she wants to go in. Um, then why did she park in front of the mall instead of in a parking space? She's blocking the fire lane! Ruby Tuesday's is going to burn to the ground because of this! Mary finally convinces Annie to let her get Lucy while Annie and Ruthie shop. Outfoxed and left alone with Horrible Ruthie, Annie is understandably pissed.
Mary finds Lucy talking to the security guard. She tells him that Lucy is fourteen and he should get lost. Lucy is really mad that Mary "betrayed" her. Not exactly the right choice of words there, but since using them allows this plot to directly parallel Simon and Matt's, there you go. Mary is also mad at Lucy, because Lucy lied to her about not doing something stupid at the mall. "This is what stupid looks like!" says Mary, although it's unclear whether she means herself or Lucy's clothing. Lucy says that she was just expressing herself as an individual by talking to the almost twenty-one-year-old security guard. Mary says that only loser creeps are almost twenty-one and interested in fourteen-year-old girls. While this is true, Mary, what does that make men your father's age who date women your age, hmmm? Practice what you preach!
Uh oh! Here comes Annie, who sees Lucy and looks so sad that you would think that Lucy was standing on top of a pile of murdered kittens. You can almost see Annie deflate. It's great. Everyone else seems to have appropriate reactions to the situation. Lucy looks bummed, Mary scratches her head and makes a "glad I'm not you" face, Ruthie does a "glad I'm not you. Also, I'm evil" laugh, and Lucy's friends turn away and try to pretend that they're not a part of this.
Back at the CamPound, Annie goes on a tirade while slamming innocent glassware around the dishwasher: "No hanging at the mall, no nightly catch-up on the phone, no nothing! You go to school, you work very hard, you get good grades, do well on your SATs, and go to college --" Lucy interrupts her before she can get to the part about rushing through an engagement to marry an abusive robot. She doesn't understand why Annie is mad. Annie says that Lucy's look was totally inappropriate for her age, and could have implications. "You asked me if you could go to the mall. You didn't ask me if you could go work the mall!" Annie shouts ridiculously. Like everyone else on the show, Annie is mad because she has been lied to and deceived, and "typical teenagers" don't do this kind of thing. Um, actually, Annie, they totally do. Annie doesn't know if she'll ever be able to trust Lucy again. "We lost something today, Luce," she says, as if the fucking world almost ended because her daughter wore ugly clothes, which is pretty hypocritical of her when you think about it. Lucy is crushed by this, and wants to know if she can ever get her mom's trust back. As if cued by Satan himself, which is a possibility, Ruthie enters, wearing a hot pink bare midriff complete with two feather boas, eyeliner, blue eye shadow, and bright red lipstick. "I'm Lucy!" she says, evilly. Now, how did Ruthie even get these clothes? Surely she didn't go to the mall and buy that shirt or those boas all by herself. This is not explained; Lucy volunteers to clean Ruthie up, and Annie says that she and Lucy can get their trust back "with some work...eventually," and you just know that she's going to hold this one over poor Lucy's head for the three years.
Simon lets Stan into the house. RevCam immediately comes out of his study to spy on them. He probably has a Tertiary Character With Problems Detector in there or something. Stan is sort of annoyed that Simon told his secret, but from the way Simon was carrying on about the sacredness of his "most excellent" promise, I thought Stan would be much angrier. Simon tells Stan that he didn't tell Matt all of the secret, and then they walk away. Whoops! Matt was spying on them from the nearby couch the whole time. He and RevCam spring into action. RevCam says he has a "hunch," and leaves. Matt volunteers to do his part by telling Annie where he went. Way to pitch in, there, big guy.
Lucy and Mary clean the make-up off Ruthie's face. Now Ruthie is mad at Mary for saying that she would seek her and then not doing it. She didn't seem to have any problems with her when they were in the van, but now she's mad. You know, with all the slightly more pressing issues in this episode, the one hundred miles per hour question aside, why are we still hearing about this stupid hide-and-seek game? Save the inconsequential filler for Seasons Five through (I shudder at the thought) Nine, okay?
For those of you wondering why I gave this terrible episode such a high rating, the answer is the following scene. It is such a joy to watch that I almost gave it an "A," but then decided on a "B," in honor of Karen's belt. Annie answers the doorbell. Karen's there to give Stan his bag, which he left in her car. Annie pays an inordinate amount of attention to her belt buckle and says that she knew this woman from church whose son had a "B" like that tattooed on his hand, and it was a gang sign. Are you trying to tell me that people who go to church can have gang member children? No, no, Annie -- that only happens to families who don't invade each other's privacy and whose mothers work all day. Karen rocks as she tells Annie that her life is none of Annie's business. I love Karen and Stan's dad with their telling the Camdens to butt out all the time. Annie says that Karen's life affects Stan and is giving him nightmares, because in families, stuff spills over. Oh, so, apparently, I should run my life according to what will make the rest of my family have good dreams. When my mom had a dream the other night about me being five years old and getting lost, it was my fault for graduating college and moving out, and I should just stay at home forever. What a healthy way to live. Karen says that Annie doesn't know anything about her lifestyle. Annie says that she knows that Karen's lifestyle is destroying her lame brother. Karen maintains that her friends are there for her. Annie rants, "Oh really? Those same friends who will beat you and rape you so you can get into a group where you can mule drugs and do drive-bys and be available for sex on demand?!" Oh my God, Annie. That's the second most amazingly ridiculous thing you've ever said -- the first being your speech about Mary's downward spiral of shameful debt-having or whatever. Karen quite truthfully tells Annie that she's "out there," and leaves. time, Karen, maybe you'll think twice before you do Stan a favor and drop off his stuff.
Matt encounters Simon and Stan in the hall. They are armed with a fan and an umbrella with which to make thermals. Okay. Spitting in the face of Montessori schools everywhere, Matt confiscates their things because experimental learning is "a bad idea." Then he tells Stan that he, not Simon, told the CamRents about Karen, and because there are five minutes left in the show, this makes Simon admire his brother again and wraps that plot up nicely.
Not concerned enough to actually help, RevCam supervises the StanRents as they search Stan's room. The Clarinet Of Facing The Sad Truth plays as they find a veritable eight-level shopping mall of weapons and drugs under his bed. There are Ziploc bags of full of what looks like Midol, with silly, ungang-like weapons such as a chain, brass knuckles, and nunchakus artfully laid around them. Are they serious? Nunchakus? Unless Blackbird 16 is a ninja gang, which I doubt, this is ridiculous! Not even the gang members in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video had stupid nunchakus, and they danced -- in unison! The StanRents are really upset, and their reaction is surprisingly realistic. Then Karen walks in and gets yelled at while RevCam watches with his typical "arrogance disguised as concern" face. The easily swayed Karen says she'll leave her gang. RevCam's all, "No way, you're in it for life!" Karen says that he's seen too many movies. Or maybe RevCam has his own gang. Wow, that would be great. I wonder what it would be called? Pious X? Or maybe Devoutness. Ooh, how about God Dam? That sounds badass AND is a clever play on words. RevCam suggests "places" where they can put Karen, because sending your children somewhere else is always the best way to solve problems. He doesn't mention Buffalo. I guess only the worst cases get sent there. Stan's dad then completes his reign of cool by kicking RevCam out. As he leaves, Karen tells him that she doesn't need his help. He says he hopes that she's right, but you know that's a lie. RevCam will stop at nothing to be right, even if it means making people he doesn't know search both of their children's bedrooms.
A family basketball game is played outside, because no one in this family has anything better to do on a Saturday night. Mary takes a foul shot, but not before Ruthie bothers everyone about how fast one hundred miles per hour is. Ruthie asks if it's like "this," and then freaking waves her finger around. Everyone tells her that it is so she will shut up and this "storyline" can finally end. I'll admit, I was kind of afraid they would stretch it out over the few episodes. Stan smiles, feeling so lucky to be with this perfect family and not with his realistic problem-filled one. Inside, Annie pretends to fix a leaky faucet when the phone rings. She comes outside, looking angry and upset. Everyone notices her, and they slowly stop playing basketball, as if Annie looking depressed is something unusual when she's given that look at least five times this episode alone. Stan realizes that something happened to his sister, and starts to cry. Annie hugs him. The rest of the family looks on judgmentally.
At "University Hospital," Karen is lying in bed, all cut up and bruised. I can only assume that her injuries are the result of meeting the business end of (snicker) nunchakus. Stan hugs her, and then RevCam comes into the room because this is none of his business. Karen says that she tried, but she couldn't get out of the gang, and asks RevCam to call one of those places for her. Okay, seriously now: What do you think Blackbird 16 even does on the mean streets of Glenoak? Harass people on the Promenade? Charge Pete's Pizza "protection money"? Sell those Midols on the hormone-crazed-woman black market? We'll never know, because Blackbird 16, menace to society that it is, is never mentioned again.
Satisfied in the knowledge that he was right once again, RevCam tells Stan's family that he'll call one of the places, and he'll keep calling until she gets in. Yeah, I'm sure they'll just be bending over backwards for you when you harass them with phone calls, Rev. Then he walks out of the room, where a television (which is sitting in the middle of a hospital hallway. Apparently University Hospital, unlike every other hospital in America, doesn't have rules about unnecessary noise in patient areas) meaningfully asks him if he knows where his children are because it's ten o'clock. The Piano Of Never Trusting Your Children Again plays as Brenda Hampton's name flashes on the screen.