The show opens with Mary walking into a rowdy classroom. She's looking chagrined as she hands over a piece of paper to the teacher. He frowns at it and says to the class, "This is detention, folks, not kindergarten. At least take your seats and pretend you're being punished." Good heavens, what could Mary Camden possibly be doing in the detention hall? Is she there to gloat at the bad kids? Did she drop in to lecture them about premarital sex? This is only Season One, and I didn't think her downward spiral was scheduled to start until at least Season Four. Alas, it is true, though -- Mary is there to serve detention. I wonder why RevCam didn't get her out of it. With the amazing legal superpowers that allow him to ferret out private citizens' personal information from the Glenoak police department and seize other people's goods when the rightful owners fall behind in their payments, you'd think a little detention would be no problem for the Revster. Or maybe Mary wanted to keep this a secret from her father. Good luck with that, Mary, because you just know that someone from RevCam's specially trained team of informants filled him in on the detention calamity mere seconds after it occurred. In any case, Mary's in detention, and she looks terrified. Oh, please.
She sits down to Keri Russell, star of the fabulous Felicity. Well, except for the "fabulous" part. I can sit through just about any movie or television show, no matter how bad. After all, I recap this show, don't I? One of the few exceptions to that rule, though, was the Felicity premiere. After four minutes, I noticed that it really sucked, but I decided to keep watching because I figured it had to get better. After about twenty minutes, it was sucking almost unbearably, but I'd already invested enough time in it that I figured I could slog through the rest. After forty-five minutes, I didn't care anymore, and I just gave up. Since this 7th Heaven episode is from 1997, at least Felicity still has all her pretty hair. She's saddled with some terribly crappy dialogue, though, as she says to Mary, "Don't worry, they're not gonna bite." Pardon? Felicity adds, "Well, except for that guy, maybe," indicating a boy sitting across the room. He looks fairly normal to me, but the writers have cleverly used some special 7th Heaven shorthand to show that he's a sinner, since he's wearing a black T-shirt and all. Felicity introduces herself as Camille. Mary says, "Oh, yeah, I think I've heard of you," which is a pretty stupid thing to say. It's all just a set-up, though, for Felicity to be able to say, "I think I've heard of you, too. You're the minister's daughter, right?" Then Mary can answer, "Guilty," and we can all laugh merrily. Or not. Felicity asks, "So what are you in for?" Aw, isn't that cute? Yes, it's exactly like they're in prison. At least Mary is only in detention for "tardiness," thank goodness. Felicity displays her bad-assity by claiming she was caught smoking -- in the boys' locker room! I have the unsettling feeling that we, the viewing public, are supposed to be shocked by that. I suspect that most of us are not. Mary does look a little dazed by Camille's admission. But that's probably just an ordinary facial expression for dazed, confused, and just generally stupid Mary Camden. After approximately forty-five seconds of conversation, Felicity decides to invite Mary to the mall. Um, because it's obvious the girls have so much in common? Who knows. It's sort of funny when Mary says she has to ask her parents, since "they keep a pretty tight rein." But it's just plain annoying when Felicity replies, "Well, we'll just have to get them to loosen up, won't we?"
Over at the CamPound, Ruthie is trying to convince SuperMom to get her a pet. She tries for a goldfish, claiming it "won't be no trouble." When Annie corrects the troll's grammar by saying, "Any-- 'a goldfish won't be any trouble,'" Ruthie misunderstands and says, "I know, so can I have one?" The arrival of Dopey, Lucy, and Simon saves us from another sidesplitting Family Circus-style bon mot. SuperMom immediately asks where Mary is, and Dopey replies that she is at basketball practice. Annie's a little surprised, since it's the off season. Dopey answers, "You know how those chicks are. They're fanatics." And Dopey, of course, is the leading authority on the ways of "chicks." By the way, writers, if I ever hear Matt use the word "chicks" again, I'm going to cash in my life insurance, book a flight to California, and personally kick his teeth out the back of his head. Lucy is incredibly nervous. She looks like she's afraid that she'll go to hell just for being in the same room while her sibling tells a lie. At least Lucy's hair looks good for a change. She should wear bangs more often. Lucy becomes even more nervous when SuperMom tells her that RevCam wants to see her in his office. Lucy whines, "Am I in trouble?" which prompts Annie to ask, "Why do you guys always think you're in trouble if one of us wants to talk to you?" Well, aren't they always in some sort of trouble? Except Lucy, of course, who doesn't have enough gumption to get into trouble.
Who would have thought Glenoak had its very own taxicab company? Not me. But here a cab pulls up to the CamPound and discharges a highly clean-cut guy carrying a duffel bag. He unknowingly drops a folded fifty-dollar bill on the ground while paying the driver. I wonder what plot delights that will lead to later in the show. Mr. Clean rings the doorbell of the CamPound. When Annie answers the door, she's so ecstatic to see this guy that I start to wonder if he's an old flame. She gives him a social kiss on the mouth, which seems pretty outre for this show. Mind you, I kiss a good number of my friends socially -- and heck, even my ninety-something grandmother used to give me a peck on the mouth whenever I saw her -- but for some reason I'm shocked when I see Annie doing this. And call me shallow, but it makes me like her a little better. She calls this guy Tom and starts feeling up his hunky arms. RevCam walks out of his office to see who the visitor is. Maybe the sight of his wife all over Tom doesn't sit well with him, because he looks furious as he goes back into his office.
After the opening song and an all-too-brief commercial respite, we see Annie putting together a tea tray in the kitchen. I realize someone's just trying to come up with an original way to showcase the credits, or to keep the guest star names from distracting you from the action, or something, but is it really necessary? Honestly, this opening feels like it goes on for days. There's Annie pouring water into her ugly, ornate teapot. Oh, and look! Now she's pouring milk into the milk thingy. Okay, and now she's putting the sugar bowl onto a wooden tray that's ornate, but not in the really ugly way that her tea set is ornate. Okay, there goes the creamer onto the tray, and the teapot too. I can't wait to see what happens ! And of course, all of this is accompanied by some generic, tuneless "music" that somebody stole from a relaxation tape. Feel free to print out this page so you can read it the time you have trouble falling asleep.
What happens is that Annie carries the tray down the hall to the living room, a huge smile plastered on her face even though there's no one around to see it in the hallway. She makes pleasant chitchat with Tom while sitting to a surly RevCam. When Tom says he's been getting tired of living in Denver and was looking for a bit of a vacation, RevCam snarkily asks, "What, you couldn't find a vacation spot better than Glenoak?" I like to think the writers were winking at us when they wrote that, but I'm probably giving them too much credit. Tom mentions the real reason he just happened to drop in from three states over: he was hoping RevCam would give him a job as Associate Pastor. RevCam doesn't, so Tom asks the CamRents to call a cab that will bring him to a "cheap motel." RevCam boasts that with his connections, he can get Tom a good rate at the Holiday Inn. Channeling the intelligence and sensitivity of Mary for a moment, SuperMom insists that Tom stay at the CamPound. Damn, she's perky. She obviously didn't think that through very well, because if Tom had gone with his original idea, she could have told RevCam she was off to the supermarket and then joined Tom for some hot, unbridled, cheap-motel sex. Those two have way more chemistry than Annie and RevCam have ever had. When Tom leaves to "wash up," RevCam lets SuperMom know that he's never liked Tom much. She is surprised, because evidently Eric's surliness and total rudeness toward Tom was not enough of a tip-off. RevCam thinks Tom is hiding something. I can only hope that whatever it is, he keeps it hidden, because the last thing I want to see is a big emotional scene between RevCam and Tom.
Annie leaves, and Lucy comes in. Because she's really annoying, Lucy apologizes to RevCam for "whatever [she] did." How lame is that? She is relieved to find out that RevCam only wanted to inform her that she can start confirmation classes on the weekend.
I guzzle some Maalox in preparation for a cutesy Simon/Ruthie scene. They're walking Happy and arguing over who gets to hold her leash. You can tell Happy is hoping someone lets go of the leash so she can run into traffic and end it all. The two gnomes find the fifty that Tom had dropped on the sidewalk earlier, so they argue about who gets to keep it. When Ruthie pointlessly wonders who lost the money, Simon says, "Obviously no one in our family. This is fifty dollars!" That was pretty funny. They nix the idea of giving the money to RevCam and agree to sit down "like adults" (ugh) and discuss how to spend the money. Here's a suggestion, Simon: spend it on a real haircut. I'm sure even a blind chimpanzee with pinking shears could give you a better 'do than the girlish demi-mullet you're currently sporting.
Mary sneaks into the CamKitchen, even though she really has no reason to be skulking around. It's not like it's the middle of the night, right? Annie cheerfully asks her how practice went. Before she replies, Mary looks over at Dopey and sees his nod of confirmation that this was indeed the excuse he used for her. You'd think they would have got that part straightened out when she first asked him to lie for her. In any case, SuperMom is not even suspicious. When Mary asks SuperMom's permission to go to the mall with Camille, Dopey takes it upon himself to refuse. Maybe he thinks that with RevCam not in the room, his own possession of a penis renders him the first in command. ["I think Dopey's assumed possession of a penis is a pretty big 'if' on its own." -- Sars] Annie ignores him, thank goodness, and asks a few questions before agreeing that Mary can go to the mall after dinner. Her hormones obviously raging, SuperMom dreamily announces that Tom Harrison will be their dinner guest. She doesn't mention anything about feeling up his arms earlier, although I'll bet that's what she's thinking about as she leaves the kitchen. Dopey, continuing with his patriarchal bullshit, tries to warn Mary that Camille has a reputation for being "really wild." Yeah, you know, because that smoking in the boys' locker room thing is just so outrageous. When Mary tells Matt that he also has a reputation for being really wild, it doesn't even look like she's kidding. Now, that's just weird.
Simon and Ruthie debate whether to keep the money they found. Trust me, it's just as dull as it sounds.
Lucy simpers over to Tom and asks for his help in studying for her confirmation classes. Unless I'm mistaken, the classes haven't even started yet, but trust Lucy to want to begin studying anyway. Tom wisely tells her that choosing a religion is very important and that he investigated a whole bunch of them before he was confirmed. Lucy says, "I never really thought about having a choice in the matter." Well, guess what, Lucy. You don't. With RevCam for a father? Come on. You don't.
In the CamKitchen, SuperMom is preparing dinner while RevCam snacks from the salad bowl absentmindedly, so that we can see he's thinking deep thoughts. Of course he's thinking about Tom's alleged secret. Annie says, "All I know is that he's charming, good-looking and a very charismatic speaker." She diplomatically refrains from adding, "And way better at satisfying my sexual needs than you, Mr. Charisma." She does, however, stroke RevCam's ego by claiming he's better-looking than Tom, and then gives him a chaste, closed-mouthed kiss. Tom walks in and interrupts to ask if he can help with dinner. Annie starts discussing vegetarian cooking with him, displaying way more enthusiasm than she did while kissing her husband. Tom's idea for a vegetarian cream sauce comprised solely of vegetable stock and cornstarch sounds vile to me.
As RevCam leaves the kitchen, Simon and Ruthie bounce up to him and ask that he take them to the mall. RevCam demurs, claiming, "I'm not really a mall guy." For some reason, the editors cut out the part where he added, "Unless there's stalking involved. Because if there's stalking involved, I'll be there with bells on." Dopey pipes up with his suggestion that Mary and Camille take the brats to the mall, and RevCam agrees that this is an excellent idea. As Dopey and Mary walk out the front door, she chucks her basketball at his head. You know, a head injury sure would explain a lot of his behaviour in later seasons.
In the kitchen, Tom starts to share his very deep and important secret with Annie, but stops himself just in time. Thanks, Tom, for realizing that none of us are interested in you. After Annie carries her horrid-looking vegetarian lasagna out of the kitchen -- I'm hoping she's carrying it to the curb -- Tom whips out a pill bottle and swallows something from it. You can add all the dramatic music you want to this scene, but I still won't care what's wrong with Tom.
SuperMom locates RevCam in his home office, where he's pretending he has urgent paperwork to take care of so that he won't have to socialize with Tom. Annie pretends that she doesn't want RevCam to stay in his office and leave her alone with Tom. Eric tells her he will join them in twenty minutes. That's long enough for some quick sex, and Annie looks happy at the prospect. Eric tries to detain her with some lip action, which Annie pretends to get into, but when Lucy interrupts them and turns to leave, Annie can't get out of the office fast enough. I think we all know why.
Over at the unbearably ugly Glenoak mall, Mary and Camille are looking at slinky dresses while Simon and Ruthie just look bored. Simon begs to be allowed to go to the pet store, which is right door, but Mary won't let him. Camille says, "You're acting like their mother instead of their fun older sister." There's a good reason for that, Camille. Have you ever seen Mary do or say anything fun? No, me neither. Now, if Camille had called her the "rude and selfish older sister," we'd have had something.. She tries to convince Mary to let the brats go to the pet store, arguing that she and Mary will follow them in a few minutes, right after Camille tries on a dress. The kids toddle off to the pet store while Camille tries to convince Mary to come to a frat party with her. When Mary insists that her parents will never agree to let her attend a frat party, Camille says, "That's why you're not going to ask them!" Mary stares at Camille in bewilderment. That concept may have been a little difficult for her to grasp.
Back at the CamPound, Annie and Tom are flirtatiously playing a game of gin when RevCam comes in and apologizes for interrupting. He tells them that he just got off the phone with this week's Tertiary Character In Need, someone named Judy Callaway. We get some clunky exposition about how Judy married a guy who used to dress like a rock star, which in CamSpeak probably means that he wore a black T-shirt once. But Judy and the rock star got divorced. And we should care about this...why, exactly? Everyone puts on their serious faces when Annie reveals that the rock star committed suicide six months after the divorce. Okay, still not caring. RevCam is going over to talk to Judy, and he invites Tom along, saying, "I think Judy's gotten a little bored with my company." Snicker. Tom does an about-face and turns surly, saying that he's "no good" in situations like talking to Judy. Dude, isn't that mostly what ministers do, counsel people? Tom gets up to leave. Ever clueless, Annie shouts after him, "But what about our game?" Tom doesn't even break his stride as he rudely answers, "I've got a headache, sorry." RevCam does his Einstein impersonation, claiming, "Something's not right." No shit. Annie offers to go with RevCam to see Judy, so they ask Dopey to look after Lucy. He replies, "Sure. I have no life. Why not?" He probably thinks he's joking, but we know better.
Over at the Pic-A-Pet store, Simon and Ruthie eavesdrop as a man sells the storeowner some hamsters he's bred. The seller holds up the cheque he just received and says, "I've got almost no overhead, and hamsters breed like crazy. This is like money in the bank." Well, it's a cheque, isn't it? So, yes, it is like money in the bank. Besides, it hardly seems like a wise idea to imply to a buyer that the product you're selling him isn't worth what he's paying for it. But then, this entire exchange exists for the sole benefit of convincing Simon and Ruthie to raise hamsters, so I guess the writers just couldn't be bothered to go to the effort of creating dialogue that was even remotely realistic and unstilted. A shifty-looking guy comes in and says, "How about a couple of ferrets?" The shop owner sternly says, "Look, I told you to stay away from here. Ferrets are illegal." Shifty Guy leaves without a word. That whole exchange lasted all of nine seconds. Thanks, writers, for putting the absolute minimum effort into the writing of this scene. Simon asks for a couple of hamsters -- a male and a female. Ruthie adds that she wants the hamsters to be married. Sheesh, even the animals on this show have to be shoehorned into RevCam's neat little moral categories. The pet store owner says he won't sell animals to minors, so the trolls leave.
Outside the Pic-A-Pet, Shifty Guy is waiting for them. I swear to God, he actually says, "Psst! Come here." With a charmingly issued invitation like that, how can Simon and Ruthie refuse? Shifty Guy whips open his jacket and shows the kids a couple of ferrets he has in his pockets. That reminds me of the neighbour who used to live in the cottage to my husband's. He was always doing yard work and didn't want to take the time to stop and feed the chipmunks he'd tamed. So he would put peanuts in his pants pockets, and the chipmunks would climb up and retrieve them while he worked. We used to call him Mr. Chipmunk Pants. ["I have a similar nickname for Dawson Leery, but not nearly as cute or rated-G in origin." -- Sars] You know, in retrospect, that really doesn't have much to do with this episode. But you have to admit that it's a much nicer story than anything that's going on onscreen. Okay, so Shifty Guy tries to talk the brats into buying his ferrets, claiming that they are "the fastest money-making animals on the market." The kids fall for this spiel, and Simon makes the mistake of saying they only have fifty bucks to spend. I can't fault Simon for being gullible. He's just a kid. Hell, when we were forced to frequent some pretty skeevy used car lots two years ago, it took us a little while to figure out that if you tell them up front how much you want to spend, of course all the cars are going to cost no less than that. Naturally, Shifty Guy is willing to let both the ferrets go for fifty, though he says he normally sells each ferret for that amount. Child labour laws are probably what prevent us from getting to see Simon stuff his own jacket with ferrets, which is rather a disappointment to me.
I don't know what to make of this bizarre scene. Lucy and Dopey are both reading books. Lucy looks up from her book and stares creepily at Dopey. It looks like she is receiving special messages from outer space. When Matt finally looks up, Lucy says, "Did you know Buddhists believe that suffering is inherent in life?" Dopey replies, "Well, then I must be a Buddhist." Lucy grimaces at him. End of scene. Did that make any sense to you? Because I'm totally perplexed.
Over at Judy Callaway's, SuperMom is trying to convince the poor woman to start going to church again. She says, "I know you haven't wanted to go back to church, but when you're ready, I'd be so happy to pick you up and sit with you." Annie, did you ever consider that maybe that's what's keeping her away? Judy rants about her dead ex, Bill, while the CamRents look uncomfortable. Eric changes the topic by mentioning that Tom is back in town. Judy says, "You should have brought him with you. We have something in common, you know. Neither one of us got along with Bill." Ooh, do you think there will be some matchmaking later in the show? Because I'd sure love to see that.
Mary arrives at the CamPound with the trolls, who are squirming around because they're supposed to have ferrets in their jackets, and they don't want to show the critters to anyone. The little demon urchins say they're going to sleep, and Mary says she will do the same. This puts Dopey's special spying senses on full alert. He interrogates Mary, but she doesn't admit anything. You can tell that's killing him.
Lucy's reading on her bed when Mary rushes in and asks her for a favour. Lucy monotones, "I'm listening," even though she's actually still reading her book. The favour Mary wants is for Lucy to distract Dopey while she sneaks out to her frat party. Amazingly, Lucy goes along with this plan instead of moralizing at Mary for three or four decades. She leaves to distract Matt. That shouldn't be too hard. I'll bet if she points at the ceiling of the kitchen and says, "Look, it's Elmer Fudd," she could keep Matt occupied for hours.
Lucy's always been an overachiever, though, and she elects to engage Dopey in conversation instead. First she lowers his defenses with the blatant lie that she "really enjoyed hanging out with [him] tonight." Then she claims to "really need" his advice on Buddhism. She's just lucky he's dumb enough to believe all her fibs. It does give Mary a chance to sneak out.. She's pretty visible, though, in her ugly striped top that looks like it's made out of Mylar.
Simon and Ruthie run down the stairs and go somewhere -- I'm not sure where. Then the ferrets run down the stairs, with Happy chasing after them. I indulge in a moment of quiet reflection to consider how much better this show would be if all the characters were played by ferrets.
Mary gets into Camille's car, and Camille hands her a dress. She says it's the same one Mary tried on in the mall earlier. Mary notes that the dress still has the security tag on it. It seems that even she can figure out that Camille stole it. Camille pries the security device off it, and Mary smiles. Doesn't take much peer pressure to sway those pure and wholesome Camdens, does it?
In the CamKitchen, Lucy's going on and on about how she's not sure she's qualified to choose a religion yet. Matt has rudely put his head down on the table. I guess since Lucy's comments actually are interesting and thought-provoking, he doesn't understand what's going on. He probably wants to go back to interrogating Mary, or to some other activity that doesn't overtax his limited mental faculties. When the CamRents walk in, he even more rudely exclaims, in sarcastic relief, "Oh, finally!" So being boorish to your sibling when she's asking your advice and talking about something important to her is a good family value? Okay, I wasn't aware of that. Now I know. RevCam goes to the cupboard to get a box of cereal. SuperMom notices that there are huge chunks chewed out of the box. She thinks it's mice, but we actually know it's the ferrets. Having that inside knowledge makes me feel so special. I hope you feel special too. Actually, now I feel more queasy, as I watch RevCam eat a handful of the ferret cereal. I hope he gets fleas.
Down at the pool hall, Tom is chatting with the bartender after finishing off his fifth glass of Slice soda. Despite all that sugar, Tom's not looking especially sprightly. As he's paying for his drinks, he comments that he'd thought he had a fifty in his wallet but that it's not there anymore. As he's putting on his jacket, the bartender asks, "Are you sure you're okay?" Tom replies, "I never said I was." That was pretty clever, actually.
Down at Crawford Clown College (I assume), Mary and Camille walk into the frat house. Maybe it's the loser frat, because nobody seems to be at their party. Camille gives an enthusiastic kiss to her date, Jason, while Mary looks on uncomfortably. Camille comes up for air, and to introduce Mary to her date, Max. He's a man of few, but stupid, words. He eyes Mary and comments, "Niiice." How flattering! He does think to offer her a "brewski," though, which she refuses. Camille tells Max to get both girls a beer. He takes off, and Jason goes with him, leaving Mary to bitch at Camille for misleading her into thinking there would be a party. When she begs Camille not to leave her alone with Max, Camille tells her to "stop being a baby" and "just relax." Nice friend. Jason leads Camille off, leaving Mary alone with Max. She uncomfortably takes off her jacket and lets herself be led over to the couch. I feel bad for her. No, really, I do.
I feel worse for myself when I see that the scene is going to involve Simon, Ruthie, and their lame-brained ferret storyline. They're upstairs on somebody's bed -- Ruthie's, I think -- commenting that the ferrets are gone. I think we've figured that out already, but thanks for the newsflash. SuperMom comes in to tell them it's time for bed. She announces that there are mice in the house, which causes Simon and Ruthie to simultaneously shout, "Mice?" in a way that is probably meant to be comedic.
SuperMom moves on to tuck in Lucy and Mary. Lucy is still awake, and when Annie starts to move toward Mary's bed, Lucy jumps up to distract her, pulling her to the other side of the room so they "won't wake Mary up." Mary's bed, of course, is stuffed with pillows to make it look like she's sleeping. Although it really does look like her bed is stuffed with pillows, so I don't know how anyone would fall for that old trick. Lucy starts talking about her ambivalence toward confirmation classes. It's a pretty good save on her part, actually. SuperMom buys it, and leaves without checking on Mary.
RevCam is eating a bowl of rodent-infected cereal in his office. We see the ferrets run past his desk. He looks up when they make some kind of chattering sound, but he doesn't get up to investigate. Maybe he just assumes that none of his children would make a sound like that and that's why he's not really interested in any spy work tonight. Lucy comes in to return Eric's Buddhism book and asks to borrow a book on Quakers. He and Lucy discuss the merits of the Quaker religion for a bit, until Lucy starts to yawn. I'm not sure why, since it's some of the most interesting stuff I've ever heard on this show. As Lucy's leaving, she asks RevCam if he's bothered by her exploration of other religions, and to his credit, he says that he's not. He sits back down in his chair, almost falling out of it. I have no idea why he did that, and I don't know if we'll ever find out. Lucy doesn't ask if he's okay; she just gives him a weird look and walks out the door. That certainly was odd. SuperMom comes in just as Lucy leaves. Annie says she's worried about Tom, that he may be "hiding something." Good detective work there, SuperMom. The CamRents speculate that Tom may be depressed, and RevCam decides to go look for him.
Over in frat-boy land, Max looks like he's about to make his move on Mary. He sits close to her and puts his arm around her, but Camille and Jason come back before he can put the rest of his seduction plan into action. Mary gets up to talk to Camille. She tells her she's not having fun and wants to go home. Camille's a real bitch, in case you hadn't figured that out by now. She tells Mary she's not ready to leave and suggests that Mary get Max to drive her home. I give Mary credit for refusing to get into a car with someone who's been drinking. In fact, she acquits herself quite well throughout this scene. Not so Camille, who tells Mary, "I guess you're gonna have to make a choice, then. Either wait for me or let him drive you home." She goes over to the couch and snuggles up to Jason while Mary looks on in dismay.
Annie's in bed, reading. Disturbed by a squeaking noise, she looks over at her bedside table to discover that the ferrets are in one of the half-open drawers. I don't know how anyone could mistake ferrets for mice, but Annie does. She starts screaming, and Simon and Dopey come running. Simon tells her that the "mice" are actually his ferrets, and he tries to calm her down by saying that the ferrets are "cuddly handfuls of fun." I don't know about that, but I'd sooner cuddle up to a ferret any day than to Dopey, who's looking particularly dimwitted in this scene.
In her bedroom, Lucy is talking to Mary on the phone. She's nattering on about all the exciting Camden news, but Mary just cuts her off to say, "Get Matt now!" Lucy scurries off to do her sister's bidding.
In the CamBoudoir, Simon is telling SuperMom about his lame-ass idea to breed enough ferrets to pay for his college education. Hey, with an idea like that, Simon, you'll be lucky if you get into Crawford Clown College. And everyone gets accepted at Crawford Clown College. Fortunately, Lucy interrupts to tell Matt that he has a phone call. She nervously tries to get him to take the call in another room. She's just not very good at this lying stuff. Matt leaves, and then comes back and says he has to pick up a girl from a party where "things got out of control." It's cool that SuperMom lets him go without asking any questions. She turns her attention back to Simon and his ferrets, insisting that they be returned to wherever they came from. Okay, but good luck finding Shifty Guy again.
RevCam finds Tom sitting in a pew in his church. He tries to get Tom to talk about what's bothering him, but he doesn't try very hard. After a cursory attempt, Eric turns to leave, but stops when Tom says, "I'm thinking of leaving the church -- before I'm asked to leave." Because we're about eleven minutes from the end of the show, Tom can finally reveal his big secret. He has epilepsy, and last week he had a grand mal seizure in front of his congregation. Okay, that's pretty sad, especially since he now feels that his parishioners are all afraid of him. I'm sure that does happen, because human beings really suck sometimes. Tom's been trying to keep his disease secret, and now that everyone in his congregation knows, he never wants to see any of them again. Eric praises Tom's strength for dealing with his disease alone for so long. All in all, it's quite a moving scene. If the show managed to do scenes like this on a regular basis, I'd have much more respect for it.
But see, all too often it's the type of dreck you find in the scene, where Dopey picks up Mary at the frat house. It starts off well enough, with Dopey starting to yell at Mary but then backing off when he sees how upset she is. It's a quick freefall to mediocrity, though, when Camille comes out and asks Mary if she's "bailing." Dopey's at his patriarchal ickiest as he gets out of the car and insists that he's bringing Camille home too. She stands up to him, as any sane woman should, sarcastically thanking him for the "stern dad impersonation" and calling him "Mr. Cleaver." But Dopey's practicing early for what I hope won't be a lifetime of wife abuse when he says, "Look, if you're not in the car on the count of three, I'm putting you in." I'm sad to report that Camille gives in to this. I agree that she shouldn't be driving herself home, since she was drinking earlier, but there's no indication that Dopey knew about the drinking. I think he's just being a dick.
Eric and Tom walk into the CamKitchen, where Annie, of course, has a big hug with Tom's name written all over it. They all talk about the ferrets for a while, and Annie tells the guys about the fifty-dollar bill the trolls found in the driveway. Tom starts to say, "That fifty was..." but he stops himself and finishes the sentence with "...lucky." Aw, what a great guy! Tom, I'm sorry I said I didn't care about you earlier. I still don't care about you, but it wasn't very nice of me to say so. Tom goes up even further in my estimation when he decides to adopt the ferrets. Annie notes that ferrets are illegal. Tom says, "Yeah, I know -- that's why they're so hard to get," and nobody bats an eyelash when he carries them off. It looks like anyone staying inside the CamPound has the local equivalent of diplomatic immunity, so it's not like Lieutenant Michaels is going to be dropping by to bust anyone soon. But good luck getting those ferrets on a plane back to Denver, Tom. I think that's one of those pesky continuity details we're not supposed to notice, though. RevCam says to Annie, "Our friend Tom has an incredible story that he wants to tell you himself before he goes back to Denver tomorrow." Annie is just thrilled that RevCam is finally calling Tom "our friend." Hey, what choice does he have? He can't exactly diss the epileptic guy, can he? ["Well, once a sucker -- er, 'a character' submits to RevCam's wise counsel, I guess he's a friend." -- Sars]
Interrupting this cozy bit of bonding is the return of Dopey and Mary. It takes SuperMom a few moments to clue in that Mary is not asleep in her bed and is, in fact, the girl Matt had to rescue from a party. But when Annie does realize this, she makes up for lost time by totally freaking. I can sympathize with her, somewhat, though I'm a little taken aback by exactly how vehement SuperMom gets with her diatribe. And when Mary explains that she met Camille in detention, RevCam says, "Oh, that's a great place to mingle and form long-lasting friendships." That's a little bigoted, don't you think? Hey, I was a National Merit Finalist and a straight-A student in high school, and I still got detentions. ["Me too, and me too. Usually for back-talking. Go figure." -- Sars] And it's not like Mary was in there for weapons offences or, say, something really shocking like smoking in the boys' locker room. She was late for class, period. Dickweed RevCam. Mary offers a very sincere apology, which, for reasons completely unfathomable, makes Dopey feel he must add his own sarcastic two cents: "Oh yeah, that covers it. Talk to me when they're done." He self-righteously storms upstairs to study his Promise Keepers literature, leaving Annie free to play drill sergeant some more. The result is that Mary gets grounded for thirty days. As Mary dejectedly tiptoes upstairs, Annie spits out, "We're glad you're back home safe and sound. You know we love you." She makes it sound really ugly, though. Annie wants to punish Lucy also, but RevCam manfully puts a stop to that, since he claims to have a grand plan "that will put [Lucy] in confirmation class first thing Sunday morning." How delightful that he has found a way to derail SuperMom's parental instincts while simultaneously forcing his daughter to partake of his religion. Now, that's synergy! I'm a little distracted by Annie's black-and-white big-plaid jacket, which looks almost exactly like the plaid coat I had when I was fourteen. In 1981.
Inexplicably, Mary has followed Dopey's instructions to report to his room for a totally inappropriate dress-down. He berates her until she starts to cry. Then he switches from Bad Cop to Good Cop and comforts her with, "It's okay, it's okay." But on the off chance that she might get too complacent, he switches right back into Bad Cop mode again: "But a word of warning: from now on, I'll be watching you like a hawk." That must be of great comfort to her.
Outside Matt's door, RevCam has been eavesdropping. He's busted when SuperMom walks by and informs him, "That's not very nice." RevCam has no shame, though, and he just says he'll join Annie as soon as he says goodnight to Lucy. Will this be his chance to implement his super-special confirmation class plan? You betcha. Apparently, his plan consists of saying good night to Lucy and then saying good night to the pile of pillows that Mary had stuffed into her own bed to resemble a sleeping teenager before she left for the frat party earlier. Lucy makes a sad attempt at the horrible "art" of ventriloquism by trying to imitate Mary's voice saying good night from the aforementioned pile of pillows. Just at that moment, Mary leaves Dopey's room and walks past RevCam, saying good night for real. This prompts Lucy to guiltily pipe up that she will see RevCam at confirmation class on Sunday. Aw -- and another recalcitrant teen is subdued through an appallingly unlikely sequence of coincidences. So, really, I want to know -- was that RevCam's big plan? If it worked, then I might as well move forward with my plan to achieve world domination by sleeping in till noon every day and making sure to catch as many Law & Order reruns as A&E sees fit to show. It's about as logical as anything The Good RevCam has ever come up with.
After an establishing shot of the sacred CamChurch -- complete with a background chorus of very perky, overly chirpy birds -- we get to hear hunky Tom's special sermon. He starts out with, "We're constantly caught in the process of having to make decisions, some easier than others." Tom takes special pride in humiliating every single person in the church. He begins with Mary, asking, "Should I go to a party, even if my parents wouldn't want me to?" Mary hangs her head in shame. Tom continues, "Should I rat on my brother or sister when I know what they're doing could put them in danger?" Oh Lucy, are you feeling the pain? I sure am, so I'm going to gloss through the rest of this. Suffice it to say that Tom manages to probe the sore spots of everyone present, except the CamRents and Dopey, who are much holier than thou, or than anyone else, for that matter. In any case, the only people present in the church are the Camdens and that annoying Judy Callaway -- the one with the dead "rock star" ex-husband. That's because RevCam has apparently given Tom the chance to spew self-righteousness in some sort of "dress rehearsal" sermon in his church on Saturday. That was nice of Eric, but mercifully, the whole fiasco is cut short when The Good RevCam reminds everyone that they have to drive Tom to the airport. Because Judy is lame, she is moved enough by Tom's speech to stay behind in church, saying it "feels good" to be there. Maybe she means that it feels good knowing the Camdens are leaving for the airport. I really thought the CamRents would try to hook her up with Tom, but it appears Tom has enough company already, what with his box of contraband ferrets that will be seized when he tries to step on a plane. In a sadly misguided attempt at humour, the writers have Simon ask, "Since we came to church today, do we still have to come back tomorrow?" RevCam tries to pretend-scare his family by telling them he wants to bring them to church every Saturday. Inexplicably, everyone is amused by this joking. What's much more comical to me, though, is that the scene ends with a shot of the ferrets skittering through the church. Now, since there's no way Tom could have not noticed that his ferret box was empty, I prefer to think he played a prank on RevCam by deliberately letting the ferrets loose. Now, that was funny, Tom. As Mary's frat-boy date would say, "Niiice!"