I don't know about you, but I always look forward to seeing what new "family values" values this show will invent. At the start of the episode, the entire CamFam is sharing some heartwarming family togetherness time at the Glenoak Municipal Airport -- where they're dissing Eric's parents. When Ruthie asks why everyone has to call Eric's father "Colonel," I perk up slightly, since I've always been mildly curious about that myself. The answer is isn't very exciting, though: he used to be a soldier, and now the family calls him Colonel out of respect. I was hoping for the truth, which I suspect is that RevCam is terrified of his father and will do whatever he says. If the Colonel ordered RevCam to call him "Grand Overlord of the Universe" or "Bertha," I'm sure Eric would comply with that, too. Dopey whines that he doesn't understand why the whole CamClan has to show up at the airport to welcome the grandparents. You know, that's a good point. Unless they own a Ford Explorer -- and I know they're not cool enough for that -- I can't imagine there's any way everyone and their luggage will fit into whatever they drove to get to the airport. So that means two cars, and about four hundred dollars for airport parking. I'll bet RevCam gets his parking for free, though. Or maybe he just leaves his stupid van in a tow-away zone and the cops look the other way. In any case, Annie claims that the grandparents actually enjoy having the entire family greet them. By the way, after the last classic episode I saw, I didn't think it was possible for Annie's hair to get any uglier. I was wrong. She's still got the all-over layers, but this time they're brushed forward onto her face, giving her entire head the appearance of a basketball.
Back to the whining. Apparently the grandparents always bring some sort of candy that the kids can't stand. Wow, that's a hardship. I really feel for them. It must be incredibly difficult for the kids to just say thank you politely and wait until the grandparents leave so they can dispose of the candy. Well, it probably is hard for them, actually, considering how rude they all are. Annie has the final word when she claims that Grandma Ruth and the Colonel love to visit Glenoak. She adds, "We are going to be just as thrilled to see them as they are to see us."
Well, she sure is right about that. We see Ruth and the Colonel leaving the terminal and walking toward the CamFam. Ruth is complaining about the fact that the whole damn family is there to greet them. The Colonel comments, "They travel in a pack, like wolves." Ha. He asks if Ruth has "the candy." She says she packed it in her checked luggage since it was too heavy to carry. She adds, "I don't know why they love it so much. It's ugly and it tastes terrible." Okay, I'm really starting to like these people. What the hell other WB show did they wander in from, anyway? Obviously they're totally out of place here. When the Colonel says that the kids "go on about [the candy] like they've never seen candy before," Ruth whines, "Those kids go on about everything." Now it's official: I love the grandparents. Mary looks over at them and smiles. The Colonel looks scared. He says, "They've spotted us. All right, time to paste on the smiles." Grandma Ruth complies. Everybody hugs and kisses for a while. The Colonel is not exactly affectionate toward Eric, though he seems genuinely happy to see Annie. Unlike me.
Everyone piles into the foyer of the CamPound, where Annie claps her hands to turn on the lights. Yes, folks, she is "rewiring the house to work on a Clapper system." No, I have not been drinking. I swear she said that. What a freak. And not only is she doing something that stupid, but she can't even do it right. Instead of the lights turning on, music starts blaring. Like far too many mini-story arcs on the show, this one obviously has no purpose. Mrs. Colonel starts handing out bags of "the candy." The CamKids all do a credible job of being polite about it, which rather surprises me. Dopey notices that he has received the largest bag. He halfheartedly comments, "You're still divvying it up according to our sizes." Ruth says, "That's right, and you got the most. If I'd seen all that hair, I would have brought more." Dopey giggles girlishly along with me. Annie offers to show Mr. and Mrs. Colonel to their room so they can unpack and relax. You can tell the Colonels are dying to have a break from the CamKids. They start to hurry out of there, but then Ruth turns around and tells Annie how sorry they are about the death of Annie's mother. That's a nice sentiment and all, but the death happened, like, eleven episodes ago. Nobody said anything earlier, or sent flowers? Nothing? That's cold. You'd think at least they would have mentioned something to Annie on the phone when they were discussing this trip to Glenoak. No matter. The Colonel makes everything right when he says, "Ruth, let's remember to send Annie's father some steaks." How thoughtful! I'm sure that will compensate him for the loss of his wife. ["Sadly, that actually works in my family. Mmm. Steeeeeaaaks." -- Sars] RevCam also has some doubts about the ability of the beef to make Annie's father feel better, but SuperMom doesn't really notice, as she's too busy giggling sort of vacuously.
Upstairs, the Colonel asks, "That little girl -- what's her name?" Ruth answers, "Lucy." No, Ruth, it's Ruthie, okay? Your namesake? Jeez. Actually, I guess he did mean Lucy, because he complains about how much she talks, adding, "I can't believe she went on and on about her knucklehead boyfriend all the way from the airport." I must admit that it's pretty gratifying to hear Jimmy Plywood described thusly, but I'm still confused about how Lucy, rather than Ruthie, would be called "that little girl." Unless the Colonels want to pretend that Ruthie doesn't exist. I've certainly used that as a coping mechanism myself. The Colonel can't quite give up the subject of Lucy and how annoying she is. He says, "If I get cornered like that again, I am going to swallow a rock-eye anti-armour bomb and throw myself out a window." Please, don't give me any ideas. Grandma Ruth drawls, "They sure push the envelope on 'perky.'" All right, y'all, just quit it! You're going to make me start liking and respecting this show, and where's that going to leave me for the season, which will assuredly suck? I'm happy to say that someone's listening to me, and the quality of the dialogue declines, with the Colonels raving about how great Annie and Mary are. The Colonel says, "You know, our Mary has got enough salt to make jerky." Huh? That's just weird. Mrs. Colonel suggests that they should visit more than once a year. Maybe she's got a masochistic streak nobody knows about. Or maybe her sense of humour is too dry even for me.
All the kids but Mary are hiding out in the garage, where Simon asks how they are to survive "the seven days." Dopey sighs and sits down to impart his wisdom. His advice is to never make eye contact with the grandparents and to "never show fear." The Marlon Perkins shtick is kind of funny, but I do have to point out -- um, these are your grandparents you're talking about, Dopey. A little respect, please.
RevCam sneaks into the garage and then sees the kids. He tries to play it off by asking, "What's everybody doing in here?" Lucy is not fooled. She says, "Same thing you are." Everybody sulks silently.
Annie knocks at Mr. and Mrs. Colonel's door and invites them to the hardware store. Man, I'd be embarrassed to invite my houseguests to the hardware store, but the Colonel and Ruth jump at the chance -- I guess so they can spend time with the sainted SuperMom. As they start to leave, they run into Lucy, who offers to come along so they can "talk." Her grandparents are polite enough -- except for the part where the Colonel turned around to escape when he first saw Lucy -- but it's obvious they don't want her along. Well, it's obvious to the viewer, but not to poor, dumb Lucy, who is as eager as a puppy to be liked. See, now I'm torn a little. I may be a bitch and all, but really, seeing Lucy wanting so desperately to spend time with her grandparents and watching them rebuff her is actually a little sad. Mary shows a degree of insight that she will probably never display again when she offers to come along on the trip. You can tell she's doing it so she can act as a buffer between Lucy and her grandparents. The rest of the scene was pretty distasteful, though.
Nobody's inviting Simon and Ruthie along either. They're hanging with Happy and her puppies, while Simon talks about how he's going to win a Viper in a raffle. Huh? Oh, who cares. And how does Simon know he's going to win this raffle? "'Cause I'm the kind of kid that incredibly lucky stuff happens to." Uh-huh -- like being born into the CamFam? Like having Ruthie for a sister? I wouldn't hold my breath waiting to win that car, Simon. Ugh. Ruthie's sparkle-encrusted jean jacket is too vile for words.
Maybe I was a little too quick to feel sympathy for Lucy before, because she really is terribly, terribly annoying. She's talking a mile a minute about the odious Jimmy Plywood and how he was afraid of failing some math test. When Mary interrupts by handing Mrs. Colonel some hardware...thing...and saying, "I think one piece should do it," Ruth smiles at her beatifically. Annie is talking to Emma Houten, the cashier. She notices that Emma is wearing a necklace with two rings on it, and she asks her about it. Emma tells some sorry-ass story about how she's widowed and her husband never could afford to buy her wedding rings, so her son gave these to her as a gift. What, her husband couldn't afford a twelve-dollar silver wedding band? That's just sad. Unrealistic, too. Even though they're standing right to Emma, Mary and Lucy comment on how the rings look exactly like SuperMom's, which were stolen a few months ago. See, I told you Mary would go back to being the rude git she's been throughout most of the run of this show. When questioned by her in-laws, Annie pretends the rings are different from hers, though you can tell she's lying. The CamFam leaves the store. Whatever happened to that hardware thing Mary handed to Mrs. Colonel? Did Grandma Ruth use the exchange about the rings as an opportunity to slip it into her purse?
Eric's alone in the church office when the Colonel walks in, smoking a cigar, which Eric asks him to put out. They're off to a great start. The Colonel asks about Eric's loathsome sister, Julie, the drunk. Does that mean he's not in touch with her either? Eric and his father spar boringly for a bit until the Colonel starts in on the CamKids' faults. He claims that Matt is a "rebel" who's going to be real trouble. And what, pray tell, is Matt rebelling against, anyway? Maybe he's rebelling against rebellion, because to me, he seems about as conformist as you can get. Lucy is described as needing "attention and approval." Okay, he's probably right about that one. He may be right about Simon and Ruthie, too, who are "well on their way to being spoiled rotten." The Colonel argues that RevCam is unobservant, and to prove his point, he gets up and pushes aside some choir robes to reveal a little disheveled boy. Eric introduces himself as "Eric Camden, the reverend." The scruffy boy describes himself as "George, the orphan." For some reason, that makes me laugh hysterically. Which is probably not the intended effect.
In the CamKitchen, the CamRents and the Colonels discuss George The Orphan. RevCam says that George was just returned from his twelfth foster home and has figured out that, at the age of nine, he probably won't be adopted, so he keeps running away from the orphanage. The Colonel's assessment: "Boy's got guts and initiative." Okay, whatever. Eric asks if the family can keep the orphan until Monday. I guess he's preparing to impart some of his patented "problems fixed in thirty minutes or it's free" counseling on the unfortunate orphan boy. Oh wait -- his advice is always free anyway. And worth every penny! The Colonel calls keeping the orphan boy for the weekend a "crackerjack idea." When he adds, "Having that homeless boy around might make everyone appreciate how easy they have it," Eric smacks his own forehead in frustration, causing SuperMom's stupid Clapper system to shut off the lights. Who thought this was a good idea for a subplot? Really, I want to know, so I can kick his or her ass.
Simon and George The Orphan are discussing Simon's alleged good luck. Simon goes on and on about how, if he were a superhero, he would call himself Luckyman. Just chill, Simon. We all know that you're going to end up a forty-five-year-old virgin, just like your brother. Simon climbs into the top bunk and claps a few times, trying to get the light to turn off. When it doesn't, George gets up and turns the light off manually. Oh, what a poignant way to make us feel guilty about our decadent North American lifestyles! Knowing that, somewhere, a little homeless orphan has the courage to get up and turn a light off by hand makes me think that maybe there's some hope left for our society.
Dopey and Ruthie The Younger have a boring conversation about who's sleeping where in the CamPound. Then Ruthie says she's doesn't like to be around George because he "makes [her] want to cry because he doesn't have a mommy and daddy." Aaurggh! Cheap, sappy dialogue that's supposed to manipulate me emotionally, but fails, because it's so poorly written that it makes me want to cry. And vomit.
The CamRents are sharing Dopey's single bed uncomfortably. Annie asks RevCam what's wrong. He tries to claim that he's upset about being around his parents, but she psychically deduces that he wants to adopt George The Orphan. We find out that, all along, the CamRents had planned to start adopting children after Mary was born. But I guess they never got around to it because, well, if you keep having unprotected sex, it's a pretty sure bet you're going to keep getting pregnant, isn't it? And because this is still Season One, they're not even done procreating yet. They agree that adoption is a commitment not to be taken lightly, and that it requires a great deal of thought. Ten seconds later, they agree to adopt George. Consistency, thy name is not Camden. They both seem overjoyed with their decision, but not happy enough to have sex over it. Eric won't do it because his parents are right down the hall. That just sounds like something Eric would say.
In the CamRents' bedroom, the Colonel lights up a cigar. Hee hee; I hope the bedroom reeks of smoke after their visit. Ruth The Elder comes out wearing the G-rated version of sexy lingerie. I think it's enough that her robe is shiny. The Colonel expositions that he and Ruth met during the Korean War, where she was a nurse and he had a bullet in his spleen and "a lung full of mustard gas." Okay, I did not need to know that. I also don't need to hear Ruth ask, "Are you ready to play?" Although I find the idea of sex between the Colonels not repugnant in the way that any show of affection is between the CamRents. I needn't have worried. It turns out the Colonels are just planning to play poker in bed, which also sounds pretty fun, especially since they've got some Duke Ellington playing in the background. They're disturbed by a knock at the door, and they both panic at the thought that it could be any of the hell spawn. Ruth hisses, "I thought they were all asleep," but her husband is brave enough to invite the person in. Fortunately for them, it's George, who wants to be dealt in to their poker game. Those CamPound walls must be paper-thin for George to have figured out what they were doing. Or maybe it's just some bad writing. Not that that's ever happened on this show before. Against my better judgment, I'm amused by the rest of the scene, wherein the Colonel lets George know he's figured out that George deliberately showed up in RevCam's office hoping to trick Eric into adopting him. That's pretty sharp of the Colonel. I had no idea. Maybe I'm just gullible, or maybe I missed some telltale clue that gave it away. Or more than likely, there was no telltale clue, kind of like in every episode of Murder, She Wrote that I've ever seen (okay, both of them). Jessica Fletcher always figures out the mystery due to some "clue" that's such a stretch that it doesn't even make sense to the average person. Now that I think about it, unlike Simon, Jessica Fletcher must be the unluckiest person around. Everyone around her is always dying. It's not like she's a homicide detective and would consequently expect to be investigating murders all the time. No, it's just that wherever she goes, someone dies. I wouldn't open my guest room to her. And you can't even blame it on the fact that she's a mystery writer. I took a course in writing detective fiction, and you don't see people dying around me every week, thank God. Oops -- I strayed pretty far from the topic, didn't I? You know the show is bad when you'd rather talk about Murder, She Wrote. So anyway, George deploys his charm on the Colonel , challenging him to discuss the Korean War. Mercifully, we don't have to hear about it.
The CamRents organize a family meeting in the garage. Great location. As they all troop in there, Simon says, "I hope this is about getting George back to the orphanage as soon as possible. The kid's starting to get on my nerves." While George is nowhere near as annoying as any of the Camdens, Simon's got a point. His siblings agree, because when Annie suggests adopting George, the reaction is pretty underwhelming. Ruthie approves of the idea, but that's not saying much, because she's stupid.
Mr. and Mrs. Colonel walk in on George eating breakfast. They ask where the rest of the family is, and George informs them that the Camdens are outside having "the big adoption meeting" about him. He's pretty philosophical about the whole thing, stating, "If this family takes me, I'll count my blessings and be a man about it." The Colonels move to the other side of the kitchen, where they watch George eating his breakfast. They imply that they wish to adopt George themselves. Um, why? ["To save him from a horrible CamFate? That's my assumption, anyway." -- Sars]
Up in her room, Mary is harshing on Dopey for not speaking out against the adoption at the family meeting. Dopey says he has realized that the adoption has good points, arguing that there will be sort of a trickle-up effect, in which the younger kids will get all the time and attention from the CamRents, leaving Dopey and Mary unsupervised and free to do what they want. Right, like that would happen. Dopey believes it, though. So does Mary, but that's not saying much, because she's stupid. Dopey offers to take Mary for a driving lesson, even though she doesn't even have her learner's permit yet.
Downstairs, George agrees to be adopted, then leaves the kitchen while the CamRents hug. The Colonel breaks up the happy moment by saying, "I guess you're not interested in our opinion about this." Annie chirps, "We're always interested in your opinion, Colonel." RevCam is not sure why his parents should even have an opinion on the adoption, since it won't affect them. He sarcastically amends that by saying, "Well, that's not quite right. It means that once a year you'll have to bring an extra bag of candy out with you." Ooh! That was pretty funny, though the Colonel obviously doesn't think so. He starts lecturing RevCam about the cost of raising George and sending him to school. We learn that RevCam and Julie paid their own way through school, since the Colonel wanted them to learn the value of hard work. Before this exchange can degenerate into a full-scale screaming match, the Colonel stalks out. Ruth follows him like a good little wife. Annie puts on a sad clown face to show her sympathy for Eric.
In Simon's room, he and Ruthie The Younger are sitting in a cardboard box, pretending it's a car. They make sounds which the closed captioning describes as, "Vroom, vroom!" George interrupts this annoyingness by saying, "If I feel like going out for a drive, I take a real car." Ooh, such a bad-ass! He claims that he knows how to hotwire a car, "foreign or domestic." Simon challenges him to prove it. I'm sure wacky hijinks are not far off!
In the upstairs hallway, Lucy apologizes to her grandparents for "bugging" them at the hardware store. They just stare at her rudely while she stammers and then runs off. Honestly, at this point I don't know whether to feel sorry for her or for her grandparents. Maybe I should feel sorry for all of them. Or maybe I should just feel sorry for myself, which I often do while recapping. As Lucy leaves, Ruth turns to her husband in bewilderment and says, "I wish I knew what she wanted from us." The Colonel just furrows his brow.
Lucy eavesdrops while the Colonel asks the CamRents to borrow a car to go to the hardware store. What a strange request. I can't imagine going across the country to visit someone and then wanting to check out their local hardware store. Even if that were something that interested me, hardware stores are just not all that different from each other. Buffalo's full of hardware stores! And what kind of hardware could they possibly have in Glenoak that they wouldn't have in Buffalo? Maybe the writers were stoned when they wrote this scene.
Dopey and Mary walk into the kitchen. They're both distraught because Mary scratched the van on a mailbox. Dopey thinks their parents may never notice. He and Mary continue discussing this, even though Mr. and Mrs. Colonel are walking into the kitchen and are less than two feet away. There's no way the Colonel could miss this conversation, but he does. So much for his super-duper powers of observation. He asks the kids, "Can we drop you somewhere?" Looking at Dopey, he adds, "Like maybe at the barber?" Dopey takes this dig at his hair in stride, claiming he just got his shapeless hair cut two days ago. I'm still snickering at the Colonel's "barber" question, but when he calls Dopey's haircut "pretty," I just about lose it.
Annie tries to comfort Lucy, who is sad because she thinks her grandparents don't like her very much. SuperMom says, "That's not true. They love you very much." Really? Because they've sure been giving the impression that it's, you know, the not-liking-Lucy-very-much thing. Still, Lucy allows herself to be comforted by Annie. All is happy until Lucy says, "I'm glad you're getting your rings back." Lucy adds that she assumes this is why her grandparents were going to the hardware store. Annie panics and runs out of the room, calling for Eric. She explains the situation to him, and they all run off.
It looks like George is unlocking a car door with a wire coat hanger. I didn't know you could do that with any car newer than, say, 1978. In any case, he gets the door open, and he, Simon, and Ruthie pile in. Simon's sitting in the driver's seat, erroneously believing himself to be cool, when RevCam comes over. He's pissed. George has the guts to stick up for Simon, and the smarts to garner sympathy from the CamRents by sadly saying, "Maybe you should just send me back to the orphanage." RevCam sends them all upstairs and drives off to find his parents. As he leaves, we see the front bumper, which has a little more than just a scratch on it. In fact, it's banged in almost as much as the bumper of a car that killed somebody on the episode of Law and Order I just watched. Dopey distracts SuperMom so she won't see the damage.
Down at everybody's favourite place -- the hardware store! -- RevCam is walking around with a toilet plunger. I guess toilet plungers are supposed to be funny or something. He goes up to the cashier, that Emma Houten woman, and asks, "You wouldn't happen to have seen an incredibly intimidating man with white hair, and a tall, arrogant woman with perfect posture, have you?" Emma says she hasn't, and gives him a strange explanation of how she always notices couples since her husband just recently died. RevCam expresses some perfunctory sympathy before launching into a pitch to buy her ring necklace. Emma declines his thoughtful offer, claiming that the rings "mean a lot" to her. Why, I couldn't tell you. And don't you think Emma would be getting a little suspicious about her son right now? But more likely, she just thinks the entire Camden family is loopy.
It turns out that Mr. and Mrs. Colonel did not go down to the hardware store in any case. They are at the orphanage, I think. In any case, they are putting their plan in motion to adopt George. The Colonel even had some governor put in a recommendation on their behalf. The social worker woman seems impressed by that, and she is enthusiastic about the adoption. She says, "I wish I could be there when you break the news to everyone." Grandma Ruth looks a little uncomfortable, but she hides it well.
The Colonels walk into the CamKitchen bearing ice cream. They apologize for missing dinner, but RevCam is having none of it. He interrogates them about where they were all day, and the Colonel tells him outright that they were with George's social worker, discussing the adoption. Annie tries to head off trouble by suggesting that they all discuss the matter calmly. George eavesdrops from the stair landing. Why, he's obviously a Camden already, no matter who adopts him! RevCam expresses some misgivings over his parents' parenting skills, claiming they never nurtured him or Julie much when they were growing up. The Colonel argues that he and Ruth were too busy trying to keep a roof over the family's head to bother much with hand-holding. This all results in a stalemate, with each man insisting that the other is the wrong type of parent for George. There aren't a lot of good, logical arguments put forth by anyone. Surprise. The Colonel gets in the last word, though, before he storms off, accusing Eric of opposing him out of spite. Everyone stares at each other for a moment before Eric leaves to take a walk. George skulks back upstairs. Do you think he'll run away again? Because that would be the predictable thing to do.
Left alone with Annie, Ruth asks Annie to give her opinion of Ruth. She claims that Annie can be straight with her, since she doesn't "cry easily." Annie takes her up on the suggestion and delivers her character assessment of Ruth. She calls her "not terribly supportive," "distant," and "opinionated." She adds that some of Ruth's jokes are "cruel." Well, yeah, Annie, but those are the best part of the show! What would we have without Ruth's and the Colonel's nasty jibes? That's right -- the sloppy pap that characterizes most of the rest of the hundred and ten episodes that have already aired at the time of this writing. Annie argues that "Patton was weaker" than the Colonel and Ruth. Ruth reminds me of how much I'll miss her after this episode when she replies, "No, no, too late. Don't try and kiss up now." She'll have to pay the price, though, for keeping her cool, because that gives Annie a chance to intercede on Lucy's behalf and ask that Ruth try to "connect" with the girl. "I'll see what I can do," says Ruth, managing splendidly to keep her distaste for the prospect under wraps.
Up in Simon's room, he and Ruthie discuss Simon's alleged luck some more. Like we can never get enough of that particular topic. He claims that his incredibly good luck is not responsible for him and Ruthie being grounded now; it's just that "George is a jinx." When Ruthie points out that they'll have to get used to having George around, Simon slams the steering wheel of his cardboard car with undue force, causing the Clapper-wired light to go out. Okay, just stop. Stop it with that stupid Clapper storyline already. Please? I'm not sure how much more I can take.
George walks into the CamRents' bedroom to see Grandma Ruth and the Colonel packing to leave. Terrified of being left behind in the CamPound, George begs to be taken to Buffalo with Ma and Pa Colonel. And now it's time for the heartwarming portion of the show, wherein the Colonel shows that he is actually Very Sensitive. He praises Eric and says to George, "If you're lucky, you'll grow up to be like him." Where is Eric throughout this exchange? Why, he and SuperMom are eavesdropping outside the bedroom door, of course. The whole Colonel-praising-RevCam bit is pretty nice, but the scene is effectively ruined when the Colonel tells George to be a good boy, and says, "That's an order." It would be hard for it to degenerate any further after George salutes and says, "Yes, sir," so the writers wisely stop it there.
Speaking of annoying scenes, here's a textbook example, as Dopey confronts the cashier from the hardware store. He explains to her about being mugged with his mother a few months back, in an episode which I never saw but which most assuredly sucked all the same. He tells Emma how frightening the experience was, and how it changed him. He says he "would like to have the old [Dopey] back." Somehow he relates this to giving his mother her wedding rings back, though I really don't see the connection. A commercial break leaves us all on the edge of our seats regarding the outcome of this scene.
Grandma Ruth knocks on the door of Lucy and Mary's room and then walks right in without even waiting for an answer. Lucy gets up to leave, but Ruth tells her she has something for her. It's the first love letter the Colonel ever sent her. She says, "After spending time together, I can tell you are a person who appreciates great passion." Hee! Yeah, right, and that's why she's dating Jimmy Plywood, who's just a fountain of unbridled passion. Ruth leaves the letter behind with a couple of admonitions: "See that it gets back to me in the morning, and don't you tell the Colonel I showed you that." She leaves, and the girls start reading avidly. I kind of wish they'd read aloud, because I'm very curious as to what exactly constitutes a "love letter" from such a cold fish as the Colonel. In any case, Lucy is won over. And that's all it took? Hmm, maybe I should doctor up some kind of a fake love letter that I can let people read when they're pissed at me.
SuperMom gets her wedding rings back. She cries.
Finally, it's time for the Colonels to hit the road. Much sap is exchanged, but only with the grandkids, since the CamRents are nowhere to be seen. Lucy returns her grandmother's love letter, while the Colonel is standing two feet away. What a dumb-ass! Grandma Ruth asked Lucy to do two things -- and very simple things at that. She can't even get that right? No wonder nobody likes her. George is devastated that the Colonels are leaving, and he clings to Grandma Ruth, sobbing. This is RevCam's cue to come out into the hallway and hand over George's adoption papers to Ma and Pa Colonel. He tells them that he thinks they will make good parents for George, and that the boy should be with the parents he wants. I think that makes everyone pretty happy, including me, since I certainly have no intention of looking at George week after week. RevCam makes a sappy speech and gets all weepy as he compliments his father. With a very actorly twinkle in his eye, the Colonel says, in his big, booming, actorly voice, "We haven't done so well with the father-son deal. Shall we just try friends?" RevCam holds out his hand for a handshake, but the Colonel hugs him instead. Aw! This might have been a trifle more sentimental for me if I didn't already know that RevCam and his father will be at each other's throats pretty much every time they meet from now on.
Annie claps her hands together in delight, which causes the stereo to turn on. This is the spot where you'd expect the show to end with everyone fake-guffawing, heads thrown back so we can get a good, long look at their dental work while the camera still-pauses and the credits roll. But I guess Eric's big sentimental-fest speech just wasn't quite long enough. There are still another two minutes to fill. Maybe somebody on the show wanted to be able to drive a Viper while paying for it out of the show's budget, but the guy from the unspecific "raffle committee" shows up just at this moment to tell Simon that he has won the car. However, since Simon is not eighteen, he doesn't get to keep the car. Simon doesn't mind, though. He says, "I know. I just wanted to win it and give my supernatural luck a workout." Yeah, I know -- that was totally pointless. RevCam lets Dopey and Mary know he figured out that they damaged the Camden van. Luckily for the viewer (and your poor, tired recapper), he says that the discussion of punishment will have to wait until later. The Colonel tells Ruth and George, "Time to step it up and move it out." I assume that's some sort of military lingo, but I'm just not sure why anyone would want to use it in civilian life. Ciao, George. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.
There's some unfunny shtick about the raffle guy being afraid of the Colonel, and that's how Simon gets him to agree to let him and RevCam take the Viper out for a spin, even though I'm totally sure that could never happen in the real world. So did the raffle guy just show up driving the Viper himself? He didn't call first to see if the winner was home? How would he have gotten home if he'd had to leave the Viper with the raffle winner? Whatever happened to Emma Houten's son? How come RevCam didn't visit him and attempt to cure his holding-people-up-at-gunpoint problem? Is there any possibility in hell that someone as dreary as RevCam would take the Viper down his suburban street at eighty miles an hour, like we see at the end of this episode? All these questions and more will have to wait, since I'm going to go have a glass of wine now. I think I've earned it.