The CamKitchen is the site of much domestic boringness, as SuperMom dishes out breakfast to the clan. And it ain't pretty. Annie's wearing a white T-shirt and something that looks like a maternity jumper, in a pattern which could have been drawn with crayons by Ruthie. SuperMom still has her poodle haircut. Man, why would anyone would want to do that to hair? There's Mary, wearing some floppy white bellbottoms and a striped shirt that she must have dug out from the very bottom of the family ragbag -- the section of the bag that holds the clothes that were put out of their misery when 1980 rolled around. Lucy's ensemble isn't particularly retro; in fact, it was never in style. I can't believe I'm saying this, but you have to admire Matt's spirit. While he's not part of the two percent of the population who can wear the colour orange successfully, that's not going to stop him from trying. He's topped the eyesore of a T-shirt with a plaid flannel shirt in an attempt to achieve the grunge look, which, as you'll recall, was so super-fresh back in 1996. Ah, but all these outfits pale in comparison to Ruthie's special look. Yes, it's a sailor top, and while I didn't think this could be possible, the shirt in question is even uglier than Annie's infamous sailor top. Much uglier. So ugly that it deserves a mercy killing. What is wrong with these people, anyway? It's not like 1996 was a bad fashion year, but you'd never know it from looking at this crew.
I'm not sure why Annie tells that the kids not to put too much sugar on their cold breakfast cereal. It looks like the cereal is Kellogg's Corn Puffs. Isn't that stuff made entirely of sugar anyway? It sure would explain the general Camden perkiness. Case in point: Simon is absolutely thrilled to find the lucky surprise in his cereal bowl. It's a package of "moon rocks," and he's just a little too excited about it. Annie uses that as a lead-in to the CamRents' big announcement. They have decided to buy Simon the bunk beds he has long wanted for his room. Woo! Let's crack open a bottle of Sunny D in celebration, shall we? Simon pays dearly, though, for the coveted bunk beds. He learns that he must share his room with the odious Ruthie while Annie's parents are in town. Inexplicably, Ruthie is thrilled about this, and she gives Simon a kiss. He wipes his face in disgust, which should be funny but isn't.
Fortunately, it was obvious this time when the opening credits were going to start, so I was able to hit the fast-forward button in time to escape them. I hate when the theme song gets stuck in my head.
Lucy has enlisted SuperMom's help in keeping Eric distracted during the big date she has planned that evening with the hateful Jimmy Moon. Except she claims it's not really a date. I don't blame her for lying. I mean, like most people, I've got a few skeletons in my closet that I wouldn't want to own up to, but if there were an alternate universe where I would even consider having anything to do with Jimmy Moon, I certainly wouldn't want to admit it to anyone either. Annie has concocted a plan that involves RevCam and her father helping out with the Meals on Wheels program, and she says that they will probably go to the pool hall afterward. RevCam walks into the kitchen, cutting short Annie's gloating over her terribly clever plan. Eric asks Mary what her plans are with Jeff for the evening. When she looks annoyed, he says, "That's right, I'm prying. It's my job." Wow -- so RevCam used to be at least somewhat self-aware on the earlier shows, unlike the dour stalker he became in seasons four and five. Mary says she and Jeff "might drop by a party or something." RevCam reacts as though she'd said she and Jeff were planning to shoot up some heroin and have anonymous sex with strangers. After a rapid-fire round of questions regarding the party, RevCam informs Mary that she cannot attend. When Mary wonders what she's supposed to tell Jeff now, RevCam says, "He knows we're your parents," which is a pretty funny line. Obviously, Mary doesn't think so, though, because she storms off.
RevCam turns to Lucy and asks, "So what time is Prince Charming swinging by tonight?" How quaintly phrased! I hope that means we can look forward to Eric incorporating phrases like "the cat's pajamas" and "twenty-one skidoo" into his daily lexicon soon. Lucy says, "Seven-thirty," to which RevCam replies, "Good, I should be back by then." Lucy rolls her eyes and leaves, thank God. Her annoying geometric shirt was driving me crazy. Annie tries to convince Eric to stay out a little longer so that she can have some time alone with her mother. I don't know why she needs Eric out of the house for that. Doesn't the manse have, like, a hundred rooms or something? Oh wait -- I must be thinking of the real Spelling home. The CamPound is pretty damn big, though.
Annie goes to answer the phone, while Dopey comes in to the kitchen to talk to RevCam. He asks if he should be picking up his grandparents soon, but Eric points out that Matt is "still under restriction for staying out all night." Okay, while it's nice to see some continuity from the last episode that's just weird. It's not like Dopey's asking to use the car to drive his friends to the beach; he's volunteering to pick up his freakin' grandparents, for crying out loud. You'd think RevCam might realize that Dopey's just offering to do him a favour. RevCam's stupid, though.
Annie announces that her parents won't be visiting until week, since they have "some things to take care of." She's pretty distraught about this, which is understandable, considering that her mom has leukemia. But all I can think about while she's freaking out is how awful her haircut is, and that her dress really is too ugly for words. And maybe it's just the colour balance on my TV, but her make-up looks like it was put on by the Mary Kay representative I allowed into my home when I was younger and less capable of saying no to people. By the time this woman was done with the blusher and eye shadow, I looked like a crack whore who'd recently enrolled in clown college. RevCam suggests that Annie go to Arizona, and I second that so that I won't have to keep looking at what the hair, make-up, and wardrobe people have done to her. She asks RevCam if he can handle everything alone, and he says he can. When he hints that Matt can help him with the Meals on Wheels, Dopey says, "Hey, unless you guys want me to drop a Pop-Tart off on the way to school, I'm not allowed to drive." Heh, that was funny. In case you haven't noticed, that makes two funny moments already in this episode, which just goes to show you how much better the older episodes are. The CamRents agree that they can make an exception to allow their slave -- er, I mean their son -- to help with the volunteer work.
Simon and Ruthie have a scene together, but after reviewing my life insurance policy and realizing that it doesn't have a clause allowing payment for death by cutesiness, I'm afraid I'll be unable to provide any details, beyond the fact that Ruthie is moving her possessions into Simon's room and he is pissed about it.
As Mary prepares for her date, she complains about her parents, whining, "It's not enough that they're nerds; they have to make me one, too." Believe me -- no one who's see the infamous Gear magazine photos is going to think you're a nerd. A skank with poor judgment, maybe, but not a nerd. When Lucy asks what Mary will do now that she can't go to the party she'd planned on attending, Mary says, "Maybe I'll see if Jeff wants to see Striptease instead." Ha! Three funny jokes so far. Amazing! Oh, no, wait -- I spoke too soon. Now I'm realizing that it wasn't supposed to be funny. You'll have to forgive me, although surely you can understand why I would automatically assume that anyone who claims they want to see Striptease would be joking.
SuperMom comes in and tells the girls that she'll be flying to Arizona for the weekend to spend some time with her parents. Must be nice to be able to afford that. Since the CamRents are always complaining about how poor they are, I'm wondering just how Annie can afford to buy a last-minute airline ticket on a whim. Oh well, that's just a pesky detail anyway. Annie leaves the room. Lucy's thrilled, since with both parents gone, she'll get some alone time with Jimmy Moon. Annie comes back in to tell her that since Dopey "volunteered" for Meals on Wheels, RevCam will be in the house all evening. Lucy's face falls. She doesn't even perk up when Annie adds, "But I told Dad, Jimmy's your date, not his, and he promised to leave you alone." That must have been quite a disappointment for RevCam, since we know all about the great sexual chemistry he has with his daughters' boyfriends -- or at least with The Amazing Robbie, season-five version. Always the insensitive jerk, Mary informs her sister that her date with Jimmy will be ruined. She tells the story of how, the first time Mary had a guy come to see her at the house, RevCam "brought out his guitar and played every country song he knew and the guy ran out of here like he was on fire." Uh-oh -- I'm getting a real bad feeling about where this episode is headed. Well, a worse feeling than usual, that is. Lucy can't stomach the possibility of RevCam with a guitar any more than I can, and she begs Mary to postpone her date and run interference for her and Jimmy. Begging doesn't get any results, but the threat of blackmail does, when Lucy threatens to tell the CamRents about Mary planning to see an R-rated movie. Uh-huh, yeah, I'm buying that as realistic.
A commercial break gives me the opportunity to nip out for a caffeinated beverage to wake me from my 7th Heaven-induced stupor. When the show returns, however, I wish I hadn't bothered, since I'm faced with the grim prospect of another atrocious scene involving Ruthie moving into Simon's room. I will say this: although readers have been complaining vociferously about Ruthie since MBTV began, her early acting makes her later work look like it was done by a master thespian. I know it's not exactly fair to pick on a child actor, but who ever said life was fair? Besides, it's probably the writers who deserve to shoulder most of the blame here anyway. I just know that sarcastic Ruthie is far less puke-inducing than the earlier "adorable moppet" Ruthie. And that tells you everything you need to know about this scene.
At school, Mary informs Jeff that she wants to postpone their date until Saturday and explains the Lucy situation, adding, "It's a sister thing." She tells him about her plan to see Striptease. Jeff gets all pissy and informs her that he's already seen Striptease -- with Matt. Okay, for real, that was the third funny joke of the episode. Like Dopey would ever see an R-rated movie, even though he's legally entitled to. For once, it's good to see Mary storm off, because at least she's not giving in to troglodyte Jeff.
RevCam is unpacking groceries. There's an alarming number of snack foods ending in "-itos." What's even scarier, however, is a close-up of the cereal box from breakfast, which turns out not to be Kellogg's Corn Pops after all. No, you see, they've made the box look like the Corn Pops box, but this cereal is actually called either "Hampton's Fearless Pops" or "Hampton's Flabless Pops" -- it's a little hard to tell which, especially because neither version makes any sense or is even remotely funny. Do I realize that the producer of the show is Brenda Hampton? Yes. Does that make the joke any funnier? No. No, it does not. And why would these people elect to fashion a fake, unfunny, product when they could get the product placement dollars for the genuine article? They already mentioned another Kellogg's product, Pop-Tarts, earlier, so why -- oh, never mind. Thinking about this makes my head hurt. I don't suppose Kellogg's manufactures any painkillers, do they? Anyway, watching RevCam putting away groceries is about as exciting as you'd expect it to be, especially when he starts looking around like he's forgotten something. It turns out he's forgotten Ruthie in the minivan. Oh, har dee har har. What a fucking laff riot. Let's move on, okay?
In another tragic waste of film stock, Dopey is in the station wagon, making out with what looks like a Playboy model in her later twenties. But I'd imagine we're supposed to buy that she's a high school student. Okay, whatever. Mary comes along, and Dopey's ho gets out of the car. Dopey tells her he'll pick her up after work. She leaves. Mary asks how he'll be picking her up, since he's not allowed to take the car anywhere except the library and school. I'm sure this burning question is keeping many a viewer awake at night.
Oh, gross! I thought when they had Annie taking off to Arizona, they'd spare us the details, but Fate is being a bitch today. We see an establishing shot of the airport. I can tell you that it's in Phoenix, on the off chance that you'd care. Annie is on the phone waiting for her parents to pick up the line, but they don't, and she eventually gives up.
Simon and Ruthie interact briefly, but there's not enough vodka in the world to induce me to tell you about it.
Ruthie leaves, and Matt comes into the room. He tries to make Simon see the bright side of sharing a room with Ruthie, claiming that because Simon is older than Ruthie, he is "top dog" now. When asked to explain this cryptic statement, Dopey says, "You can make Ruthie do anything you want." Dude, that's awesome! Okay, now make her disappear forever and ever, please. What do you mean you can't do that? Way to build my hopes up and then dash them cruelly. Jeez.
When Ruthie comes back into the room, Simon tells her to get his backpack from downstairs. When she says she's busy, he makes up some bullshit about it being before five o'clock, and since she is five years old, "everything before five o'clock is [her] responsibility." Ruthie falls for this. Heh -- that was funny, but not as funny as the time my cousin Paul and I were playing Monopoly and my baby sister wanted to play too. Since we were obnoxious brats, Paul and I took total advantage of her by making up all sorts of arbitrary rules that applied only to her -- like letting her buy "Go," which meant that every time she passed it, she had to pay us two hundred dollars apiece. But that was a few years ago, okay? I'm a better person since I started watching 7th Heaven, and now my sister is one of my closest friends. In fact, if I watch much more of this show, I may even have to start stalking her, since, apparently, that's what wholesome, role-model-y people are supposed to do to family members.
Lucy says that clearing her throat is the secret signal she will use when it's time for Mary to distract RevCam. Mary scornfully insists that she will know when to get RevCam out of the room, since she "wasn't raised by wolves." I can't help but wonder if she would have turned out better if she had been raised by wolves. Lucy claims to be nervous about being kissed, but she's pretty excited, too. Or at least that's what I gather from her disjointed, "His lips, my lips, sparks, passion." Ew, with Jimmy Moon? But he can barely even move his lips, even when the scene calls for emotion. Mary's playing the superior older sister by insisting that Lucy is too young to get kissed. Like it's any of her damn business. Ruthie comes in and repeats the gibberish Simon told her about being "responsible for everything before five o'clock." Mary tries to set her straight by explaining that she's "not Simon's personal valet." Ruthie receives this news with the same blank facial expression she wears whenever she's not being saccharinely cutesy. Then she says, "Okay," and trots off down the hall, where a huge, gaping hole opens up in the floor, and she falls into a bottomless pit, never to be heard from again. Well, at least that's what would happen if I were writing the script, dammit.
Annie rings the doorbell of her parents' house and then walks right in, literally two seconds later. She takes forever to walk through two small rooms, calling out for her parents fifty million times, even though it's obvious they're not home.
During the commercial break, Annie phones hospitals in the area. I'll bet she rudely hung up on all the people she spoke to, too. When her parents come home, she freaks out on them. Stupid, unbelievable dialogue ensues. Annie hassles her parents about coming to Glenoak, which is pretty rude of her. On the other hand, it turns out that Grandma had been planning to take a hot-air balloon ride, and that's why she and Gramps cancelled their trip to Glenoak. Haw! Burn on you, stupid Camdens! I can honestly say that I've never had even the slightest desire to ride in a hot-air balloon -- quite frankly, I'm terrified of heights -- but I would totally jump at the chance to get airborne if it got me out of a stay at the loathsome CamPound. Anyway, I'll bet this is just poor writing and bad motivation rather than an outright diss on the Camdens, but it still cracks me up. It reminds me of what Miss Manners calls the Lame Excuse, which is designed to let someone know you don't care for their invitation (or for them) without being overt about it. My favourite is the one my husband used when we were dating, and he got an invitation to a party given by this gun-totin' freak who lived across the street from him and had spent some time trying to get Mr. Cate to break up with me. Instead of even trying to make up a believable excuse, Mr. C just told him he'd love to attend but that he had to fix my toilet that night. I listened in on the other extension, and when Mr. C hung up the phone, we howled in delight, like the petty, immature people we are to this day.
Oh my, did my attention wander again? I'm sorry. It's just so hard to focus when the show is this dull.
It turns out the GramRents have been doing all sorts of wild and crazy activities because Grandma's, you know, got reservations at Chateau Eternity. Annie seems to have a hard time accepting this new version of her mother, especially when Grandma confesses that she wants to participate in a three-way with her gardener and the Avon lady. No, really, she does! I don't know how that got past the censors. Heh. Grandma asks Annie if Glenoak has any water parks. When Annie says that there are two of them, Grandma finally agrees to visit. Wait -- but the prospect of spending time with the grandchildren couldn't lure her to town? Because they're less important than going to a water park? Okay, got it. That's some mighty fine family value-ing you're doing there, Ms. Hampton.
Back at Pa Camden's Family Feedbag, RevCam is giving Dopey some last-minute advice about his Meals on Wheels assignment. He says he really appreciates Dopey's help, which, I suppose, slightly makes up for the fact that he railroaded Dopey into this in the first place. Dopey tries to capitalize on this moment by asking to have his car restriction lifted, but RevCam says no in what is meant to be comic fashion.
At the dinner table, RevCam is boring the hell out of his family with stories about...um...casseroles, I think. Mary cuts in at one point with the great line, "Cheese covers a myriad of sins." If you take that in a different context, it would make a great motto for this show, don't you think? Mary comments that the casserole they're eating could use a little salt, and RevCam gets up to fetch it. The kids use his absence as the opportunity to dispose of the vile casserole on their plates. Believe it or not, this is one of the best scenes ever, and I actually laugh out loud when Simon tries to get Happy to eat his casserole and she refuses. It's even funnier when RevCam walks back in and catches them all in the act.
Dopey delivers food to an elderly shut-in who's clad in a wifebeater and bathrobe. Why this guy would want to invite the Dopester inside is beyond me, but he does. Dopey refuses, claiming to be "on a tight schedule." I hope that's RevCam's casserole he's handing to Mr. Shut-In. Oops -- I meant to type, "I hope that's not RevCam's casserole he's handing to Mr. Shut-In." I was going to change it, but upon deeper reflection, I realized that the first sentence really does express my feelings better.
Annie dines with the GramRents at the "great restaurant" to the airport that her mom had recommended they visit. Personally, I find that the best restaurants are always around airports, don't you? Why, when I get a hankering for a cheap, greasy buffet and a lap dance, I know that the airport area is the hot spot to see and be seen. We learn that Annie's mom has just started drinking wine, and that she no longer gives a crap about her cholesterol. Okay, okay! Dying mother with a devil-may-care attitude, and Annie can't deal with it. Yeah, we get it! To be fair, it has interesting possibilities as a storyline, but as with most serious issues on this show, the writers don't quite pull it off.
Save me, Jeebus! Ruthie is having a tea party with her imaginary friend, and I have to watch it. The closed captioning says that this friend's name is "Hoowie," and as a recovering closed-caption editor, I can tell you that the captioning folks probably got that spelling from a script, meaning that the writer intended it to be spelled that way. I have to wonder, though, if the writer realized that "Hoowie" sounds just like "hooey."
Dopey walks into the diner where his girlfriend works. He's just in time to see her stretching to put something on a high shelf. She's wearing a shortish skirt, but because this is 7th Heaven, we don't actually see her ass or anything. Here's a bit of trivia. She may just be the world's dumbest woman, because she says she's been waiting to date Dopey "for a long time."
The doorbell rings at the CamPound. Lucy and RevCam both scurry to answer. RevCam graciously allows Lucy to do the actual door-answering, though he hangs around to spy. Huh -- what is that? It looks like someone propped up a piece of plywood on the Camdens' doorstep. Wait -- my mistake. It's actually Lucy's date, Jimmy Moon. He says something complimentary to RevCam, who replies, "I can see how you charmed my daughter," which sends me into hysterics, because I'll bet Stephen Collins was secretly wishing he could put a little spin on his delivery of that particular line. He suggests watching the movie with Lucy and Jimmy, but Jimmy shoots him down by handing over an extra copy of the movie that he'd dubbed for him. Man, somebody ought to report his plywood ass for copyright infringement.
Mary walks by, and Lucy frantically clears her throat. It's the secret signal for Operation RevCam Removal, remember? Mary just shrugs and walks away, so Lucy is forced to basically tell RevCam to go upstairs.
Simon is trying to get Ruthie to take the upper bunk bed. I don't know why, and I don't care. And neither should you.
Lucy and Jimmy Plywood are sitting on the couch, watching their movie. Lucy is slouched way over and pathetically clutching a pillow. Jimmy Plywood very unsuavely puts his arm around her, and she smiles. Mary spies from the doorway in horror at his cheekiness.
Oh God -- you knew this was coming eventually, didn't you? Mary goes upstairs into the CamRents' room and pulls Eric's guitar out of the closet. When he asks her what she's doing with said guitar, Mary suggests that he go into the "love den" and play some of his "greatest hits." At first RevCam says he doesn't want to "cramp Jimbo's style," but you knew it would only take him a few seconds to change his mind, right?
Dopey is walking his slutty girlfriend, Diana, to the van when they see a homeless guy hanging around. Apparently he was attracted by the smell of Salisbury steak emanating from the van. I wonder if car air fresheners come in that flavour. And if so, what shape are they? Nondescript brown blobs? The homeless dude is disappointed to find out that there are no dinners left, but Dopey does slip him a few bucks, which is a nice gesture. Once again, I haven't a clue where the cash-strapped Dopester was supposed to have got this money, but do I care in any deep and meaningful way? You probably know the answer to that by now. Doin' Ya -- I mean, "Diana" -- comments that giving money to the homeless guy was "amazing" of Matt, and she kisses him. She's not even embarrassed to get into the icky, Salisbury steak-scented van.
Inside the van, Doin' Ya pops open a can of beer. Dopey is extremely disturbed, but only for about two seconds. Then he starts driving the van while making out with Doin' Ya. Now, you certainly won't find me making a case for driving drunk, but isn't it even more dangerous to drive while you're kissing someone with your eyes closed? Just asking. It's not at all contrived when Dopey hits a cop car, causing Doin' Ya to drop her beer in Dopey's lap. Whoa -- I wonder if any zany misunderstandings will arise from that!
Lucy and Jimmy Plywood are still watching their movie. They're both in exactly the same position as when we last saw them. For Jimmy, that's obviously expected, but I'm not sure why Lucy hasn't moved at all. Out in the hall, RevCam is strumming his guitar and trying out a few songs. When he starts singing some "Froggy went a-courtin'" song in an extremely dorky manner, Mary nods her approval and joins in. Eventually, Jimmy Plywood removes his arm from Lucy's shoulder. She moves it back onto her shoulder and hisses at him, "Just ignore it." When Jimmy says he can't, Lucy storms out into the hallway to confront her father. Simon and Ruthie pick this moment to come down and argue, and it turns into a free-for-all. When Jimmy Plywood walks out and asks, "Is the date over?" Lucy runs upstairs. Smooth. RevCam offers to take Jimmy home. He puts his hand on Jimmy's back and starts to lead him out. Careful, Eric -- you don't want to get a splinter! The phone rings, and RevCam makes a quick detour to answer it. It's Dopey calling.
At the diner, the cop hands Dopey a ticket and asks, "Aren't you the minister's son?" He follows that up with, "Thought you were on restriction." Aw man, I can't even believe this shit. I mean, honestly. Does RevCam gather all the cops to his office for a daily briefing, or what? The cop starts hassling the Dopester about driving drunk. Hasn't anyone in this town ever heard of a fucking breathalyzer test?
Lucy and Mary are fighting in their room. Lucy threatens to tell SuperMom that Mary got RevCam to wreck her date. Mary counters with the threat to tell Annie that Lucy was hoping to kiss Jimmy Plywood. Ooh! Even the Camdens wouldn't be bizarre enough to be freaked by that. Or would they?
Ruthie and Simon spar some more about the bunk bed assignment. I'll be honest -- it was a lot less painful when I employed the fast-forward button during that one.
SuperMom arrives with her parents, and the kids all troop in to welcome them. Simon asks what's in their shopping bags, which is pretty rude, if you ask me. Obviously, the bags contain gifts for the greedy CamFam. And where did these gifts come from? If you guessed "airport," then obviously you, just like the GramRents, are in the know about the very best place to go for all one's shopping needs. With unbecoming glee, Simon tells Grandpa about his acquisition, earlier in the day, of a priceless cereal box prize. Quick -- someone call the Smithsonian! I howl when Grandpa starts telling Simon that his "moon rocks" are not really from the moon, but Gramps backpedals when Grandma shoots him a look. Man, I hate when they ruin a perfectly nasty scene with sap.
RevCam pulls up to the diner, where Dopey is standing with Policeman Bob, who informs him that Dopey's test showed "no trace of alcohol." RevCam must have slipped Policeman Bob some special signal that tells him it's okay to go. He starts nagging Matt about being on restriction, but gets interrupted by Doin' Ya's father, who warns Dopey to stay away from his daughter. He adds, "I should have known better -- the minister's son," which totally cracks me up. Dopey tries to turn the blame on RevCam for making him deliver the Meals on Wheels food, which is about what I would expect from Dopey. Of course, I think RevCam's stupid three-week car-restriction should have been lifted when he forced Dopey to do the Meals on Wheels run, but then, I've pretty much given up expecting RevCam to make sense anyway.
Annie tells Simon and Ruthie to go to bed, which causes Simon to whine that he never got any ice cream. Get over yourself, brat. People have real problems. Like your grandmother, who's about to go into permanent hiatus.
Grandma's in the kitchen with Lucy and Mary, who are filling her in on Dopey's latest wacky hijinks. Grandma feels sorry for Dopey -- not because he's stupid and weird and a really bad conversationalist, but because he "has no one to confide in." She goes on to guilt the girls into making up with each other. Hmm -- I didn't think you could become an angel until after you're dead. It's obvious that the girls don't know Grandma's dying, so it looks like Dopey and the CamRents are the only ones who know so far.
Grandma continues her good works upstairs, where she tucks in a (mercifully) sleeping Ruthie and gives Simon a pep talk. Simon gives her his cherished moon rocks and asks her to pass them on to Grandpa. She says, "Oh, he'll be thrilled!" I think it's highly unlikely that anyone but Simon would be excited about the crappy moon rocks, but it's nice of Grandma to sugarcoat the truth for him.
Downstairs, we get to listen to the very tail end of a grand ol' Camden hootenanny, starring Annie, her parents, Lucy, and Mary. The girls get shuffled off to bed (not Buffalo -- well, not yet, anyway), and RevCam arrives. Annie tells him he missed the opening of the super-duper airport presents (ooh, airport presents -- hurrah!). Eric tantalizes everyone with the news that Dopey "had some trouble with the van," but then he says he's going to bed before he can follow through with the story. As he's leaving, Grandma grabs his arm and says, "Eric, when he comes in, talk with him and forgive him." Oh, brother! Woman, will you just die already? Okay, I lost both my grandmothers within the past ten years, and I still miss them a lot and get weepy thinking about them sometimes, so -- believe it or not -- I really am pretty sentimental. But this woman is working my last nerve, and the saintly act is getting old real fast.
The CamRents engage in a totally sexless make-out session in their bedroom, which RevCam cuts short because he's thinking about Dopey. Not in that way. Well, I certainly hope not, anyway. Annie apologizes for being happy because she had such a great time with her parents.
Uh-oh -- it's Simon and Ruthie, together again. And I just accidentally hit fast-forward -- again! -- just long enough to bypass this scene. That's twice tonight! Can you believe it?
RevCam is ranting about the Dopester's uncanny ability to make the wrong choice whenever possible. Word, Eric. Annie notices that his guitar is out, and Eric says that he just couldn't help himself. Annie lets him know that she considers the "bad choice" phenomenon to be something that runs in the family. Word, Annie.
Outside, Jeff is chucking rocks at Mary's window. Could they be moon rocks? When Mary opens the window, Jeff shouts up that he'd like to talk to her for a minute. In an unexpected fit of generosity, RevCam walks out onto his balcony and tells Mary she can talk to Jeff for five minutes. He also asks her to tell Lucy that Jimmy Plywood will call her tomorrow. Displaying astonishing dumb-assity -- even for Lucy -- the younger girl asks Mary's opinion on when she will be old enough to kiss. Mary answers, "I'll let you know," in a way that is completely charming. Or is it utterly fucking grating? Yeah, um, it's the second one, actually.
Outside, Jeff and Mary sit on a bench and talk. He apologizes for being a prick earlier, and she admits that she used the idea of staying home with Lucy as an excuse because she knew the CamRents would never let her go to the party with him, and she was afraid to tell him so. Just as they start to make out, Lucy chirpily calls out, "Time's up!" Hee hee -- wasn't that cute?
The GramRents are slow-dancing while Grandma tells Grandpa how happy she is that Annie brought them to Glenoak. Boy, she must be awfully excited about those water parks. They reminisce about the time they had to pick up Annie from summer camp because she was homesick. Grandma mentions a "silly song [they] taught her to make her feel better." That's all well and good until Grandpa actually starts singing it. It would be hard to find a song that I hate more than this one. It's that one that starts off:
Hello mudda
Hello fadda
Here I am at Camp Granada
Hey, don't shoot the messenger! I didn't write that piece of crap. Fortunately, they stop singing after a few bars, and Grandma says that she is "such a lucky woman." She has Grandpa and Annie and the Camden family. I'll stop mocking now, since this scene could be a lot more maudlin. Dopey walks into the room and, in a rare moment of perception, realizes he is intruding, so he leaves.
Grandma follows him and tries to make him feel better about walking in on her and Grandpa. Then she tries to make him feel better about disappointing his father earlier in the evening. I'm okay with everything up to this point, but I swear, if she starts singing that damn "Camp Granada" song again, I'm gonna have to take her out behind the barn and shoot her. Okay, all joking aside, she and Matt do seem to have a special bond, and this scene ends up being pretty moving. As she's hugging Matt good night, RevCam walks in. She hugs him, too and leaves so he can speak to Dopey.
RevCam and Dopey make up. At least until week.
It's early morning, and the CamRents are still asleep. Grandma comes in and kisses Annie on the cheek. She says, "I love you, Annie...but I have to go now." Her image fades away. Annie is fully awake now, and she calls out, "Mom?" She gets up and walks down the hall to see her father coming out of his room. He says, "She's passed on, Annie. She's gone." But they didn't even get to go to the water park! Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. As I watch Annie holding onto RevCam and her dad while they all cry, I may have shed a tear or two myself. Maybe. But don't tell anyone. After all, I've got a reputation to maintain.