...the Manor sun porch, where Simon Maaaaahks's nasal drone drills into my skull as he ambles about, whining something about having grown up on stories of the Halliwells, and I hate him, and he needs to shut up, and the only reason he's here tonight is so that Raige and Darling Henry might prove to those of us still watching this garbage that they do indeed love each other enough after so short a courtship to get married week, so I'll be ignoring just about everything he does tonight. And I'd "Ooops! Spoiler!" that bit about week's wedding, but it was all over the goddamned promos with Beethoven's "Ode To Joy" playing in the background, so whatever. What. EVER. By the way, Simon Mocks has apparently presented Phoebe with a scroll detailing his family's history, and she's giddily pleased to note, "Wow. Our families worked together during the Salem witch trials? That is so cool." And by "so cool," the Feebs of course means "such a gutshot to continuity, you pommy little shithead, because Melinda Warren was burned at the stake and her orphaned daughter was forced to flee the town to avoid the same fate, and if that's what you call 'working together,' then you can take your tiresome cliché of an ass and orb it right back to wherever the hell it is you came from, jackhole, before you get us slaughtered, too." In my mind, she means that, at any rate. Simon Mocks also calls the Warren line of witches "a randy bunch," so, you know, he just called them all sluts to their faces (which, okay, kind of awesome, but still) and yet they continue to tolerate his presence in the Manor. Whatever! Long story short, "over forty of the most powerful oracles and soothsayers from around the globe -- plus a wizard or two [who should not exist, because see rants]" have told this trashy loser that he and Raige are destined to unite, so he's here to claim his bride. Needless to say, Raige has Issues with this and tells him to get lost. He persists anyway and, upon learning that Darling Henry's a -- as they put it -- "mortal," proceeds to get all snippy and pissy and SHUT UP, YOU TOOL, and Raige finally orbs the hell out of there with the Feebs. Simon Mocks wills himself to Piper's location for some stupid reason or another.
And Piper's location ends up being the supermarket parking lot, where he startles her into dropping her groceries onto the asphalt upon his arrival, and fuck this shit. Hate the subplot, hate the character, hate the actor, and so long story short, Simon Mocks pleads his case, again, using the same lines he did in the earlier scene with Phoebe and Raige, and Piper tells him to go to Hell. Atta girl. However, Piper's so distracted by all of this bullshit nonsense that she ends up backing the Grand Cherokee into a fender-bender with some enormous truck -- seriously, we soon see that the grille of the thing is taller than she is -- that has suddenly appeared behind her. She hops from the driver's seat spewing apologies and is shocked to discover that the monster truck's driver is none other than Season Six's Fireman Greg. Who? Exactly. Piper smiles out an uncertain "Hi!" while Hilton Cooties guffaws at the randomness of it all, flashing his scary, vermin-infested rack of teeth at her in the process.
Back in the Manor, The Lispy Retard sits with Chissssty atop the bed in Suicide Boudoir and pumps her sister for information on the demonic clan who absconded with her from Chez Jenkins all those many Halloweens ago, and I swear to God, the typewriting crackmonkeys have deliberately overloaded all of her lines with an abundance of "S" sounds just to piss me off. Chrissssty remains traumatized and silent throughout. And...sssscene.
Up in the nonexistent attic, Raige, abusing the Book of Shadows for any and all information on every single demon who ever existed, rages about Stupid Simon Mocks while Phoebe futzes with the potions pot. The doorbell rings far below during all of the blathering, and Raige guhs that she totally forgot about the lunch date she'd scheduled with Darling Henry. Mindful of the current demonic threat, Phoebe advises Raige to keep the boyfriend far away from the Manor, leading Raige to snit that Phoebe's starting to sound like "Sir Full-Of-Himself." "He may not be your Mister Right," Phoebe chuckles, "but he does have a point." Oh, I'm sorry, did I skip over the bit where the pommy little shithead derided Raige for dating a guy who not only would be of no use when battling demons, but might also prove to be a liability at those times as well? I can't imagine how that happened. Oh, yeah: The pommy little shithead's painfully crappy line deliveries temporarily rendered me deaf. That's it.
Down in the foyer, Raige has apparently taken Phoebe's advice, for when we join the conversation between her and Darling Henry, he's protesting that he's never run from a fight in his life. "I deal with violent, dangerous criminals every day," he reminds her. "Those violent, dangerous criminals," she counters, "do not throw [Flaming Balls Of Death] at you." "No, but they do shoot guns at me, you dimwit," he snaps back. Or not, because he truly is Darling and would never insult her to her face, but still: Shut up, Raige. No, Darling Henry actually wonders, "What about Piper's kids? They're here all the time." "They have powers to defend themselves," Raige replies. "They do?" Darling Henry eyebrows, apparently as surprised to learn of Tiny Gay Chris's never-seen powers as the audience is. Raige confirms this startling bit of information before insisting once more that Darling Henry flee the Manor, promising to call him once the threat's passed. "Hold it," he interrupts, laying it on the line, "if I run away every time a demon attacks, I'm gonna be running away all the time, right?" Raige reluctantly allows the point and agrees to his continued presence in the Manor, then smiles a bit as she moves in for a smooch.
Just then, though, Piper comes staggering in from the porch behind them with her groceries and her sociopath, who immediately hurtles past her legs through the front hall, nearly sending her into a carotid-shredding plunge through the front door's glass panes. Darling Henry relieves her of the bags so she and Raige can catch each other up on recent events, which they do during the mini-processing summit that follows. Piper's predictably displeased to learn of Chrissssty's dire warnings regarding Them and Their Imminent Arrival, and Raige is predictably perplexed when Piper reveals that she quite literally ran into Hilton Cooties, because Raige doesn't remember him, either. Well, not initially, at least. After a bit of prompting from Piper, she leers, "Ahhh! The hot Greg. Are you gonna go out with him?" Piper instantly brains her insensitive bastard of a half-sister with a handy crystal candy dish for suggesting Piper cheat on her icy Doltsicle of a husband. Or maybe she just growls, "Don't be ridiculous," as she scuttles out of the frame. I think I prefer my version of the scene's end, however. Go figure.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World, where Simon Mocks orbs in to annoy Darling Henry. !
Nonexistent Attic. Raige finishes the vanquish they've concocted for the "Scather Demons," whom she and Phoebe have managed to identify thanks to that boot one of them left behind during their earlier incursion into the Manor, but whom Phoebe and Raige have been unable to find, scry though they might. The gals were also surprised to learn that the Scathers lack telepathy, which leads them to believe that Chrissssty's been maintaining some sort of mental contact with them after all. It all manages to segue into a discussion about Darling Henry and the FBOD, during which Raige muses, "I keep thinking -- if that [Flaming Ball Of Death] had been two inches to the left, there would be no Henry to save," because she's an idiot who can no longer tell her left from her right anymore, because if that FBOD had been two inches to the left, it would have missed him entirely, landing as it did on his left shoulder, but whatever, because this show is ass, and I want to die. Musing done for the moment, Raige spins to return to the matter at hand, in the process vanishing off the screen entirely when it flares white to knock us...
...back down into Hell, where Kiefer and the henchdemon summon the Zombie Triad by hurling a Flaming Ball Of Death into a bubbling cauldron. The thing erupts into three separate plumes of black smoke that eventually coagulate into Zombie Triad form a few feet away on the Underworld chamber's dirt floor. "Why have you summoned us?" the Zombie Triad's apparent leader demands. Kiefer and the henchdemon silently stare the new arrivals down until everyone drops right into the commercial break.
"How could you let her escape?" one of the other Zombie Triad guys yells when we return. Spluttering and babbling from Kiefer and the henchdemon, until the other Zombie Triad guy tires of it all and spews jets of flame from his eyes that immolate the henchdemon almost instantaneously. And we never got to know his name, either! So sad. Not. EVER. During the little tête-á-Zombie-Triad that follows between Kiefer and the triple entity that's supposed to be "the most powerful evil ever known," we learn that neither Kiefer and his Kieferettes nor the Triad have the power necessary to take on The Charmed Ones. Because it makes so much sense for The Most Powerful Evil Ever Known not to have the power necessary to take on The Charmed Ones. Ugh. Despite the deficit, however, Kiefer and the Zombie Triad plot to get Chrissssty back.
And speaking of Chrissssty, there she is in Suicide Boudoir, getting both a pep talk and a lesson in channeling her powers from her sssstupid ssssisssster. The Retard telekinetically slides a full wastebasket to the center of the room, then encourages Chrissssty to test her own powers on the thing. Chrissssty thinks real hard for a second and presses her fingertips against her temples. The trash can's contents instantly burst into flame. I'd smack her around for setting a garbage can on fire inside an old wooden home that she doesn't own, but it was the Retard's idea in the first place, and besides, Chrissssty's getting a free pass from me this evening because of what she does in a rapidly approaching scene. The two bleached blondes WOO! about Chrissssty's accomplishment for a bit before the Bimbo tosses a blanket over the blazing trash, smothering the fire.
Simon Mocks and Darling Henry and ANNOYING. Simon Mocks challenges Darling Henry to a duel by conjuring a pair of white gloves into his right hand and sissily slapping Darling Henry with them. At an outdoor café, in plain view of at least thirty people. No, seriously. No. Seriously. And...scene.
Piper and Hilton Cooties and NOT PAYING ATTENTION, especially because this is the scene in which he wonders where the Dolt is, and she does not tell him that the Dolt is temporarily overseas on an assignment for his job. Their insulting banter is cut short when Piper receives a call from home. It's Phoebe, urging Piper to return to the Manor, pronto, because she and Raige have come to the conclusion that higher-level demons must be shielding Kiefer and the Kieferettes from the ladies' attempts to find them. Piper pushes responsibility for The Dead-Eyed Psycho onto Hilton Cooties -- a guy she hasn't seen in two years and a guy she barely knew even back then -- and leaves The Dead-Eyed Psycho at the fire station -- away from which all adults responsible for his well being might be called in the very minute to deal with an emergency -- and flees just as a high-pitched squeal -- and do I mean high-pitched -- assaults Phoebe's ears from the floor above. Phoebe jiggles onto the second floor from below just as Raige arrives from the nonexistent attic and, to steal a turn of phrase from Keckler, oh my awesome. The Retarded Bimbo is on fire. Crappily CGI'd fire, but fire nonetheless. Hooray! And she's such a fuckwit that she's spinning around, flapping her arms in the air, rather than stripping her blazing jacket off or rolling around on the floor. I swear, this woman is too stupid to breathe. And if I'm remembering my C.S.I.s correctly, she shouldn't be breathing right now, because her windpipe should have slammed itself shut from the heat by this point. Raige, doing the only thing she knows how, orbs the blazing hoodie off of the Retard's bizarrely proportioned body and towards points unknown before she and Phoebe race to the Retard's side, wildly wondering what gives. Chrissssty, bless her traumatized little heart, used her pyrokinesis to set her sssstupid ssssisssster on fire, then fled from the Manor with a demon. Why we saw none of this thoroughly delightful series of developments onscreen, I'll never know, especially when they could easily have dispensed with the entire Hilton Cooties scene prior to this one and most of the Simon Mocks sequence that preceded that. Whatever. CANCELLED! The Retarded Bimbo makes squawking noises as Raige and Phoebe gape their collective way into the commercial break.
Manor Parlor. Aftermath. The Retard lisps her unbearable way through a description of the events that transpired right before she was most awesomely set on fire by her own sister. Basically, the Zombie Triad -- whom the gals don't know about yet -- telepathically contacted Chrissssty, murmured sweet nothings into her brain about being "the key to the ultimate power," and then, uh, ordered her to torch the Retard? I'm guessing here. Kiefer showed up to spirit Chrissssty away. While the Manor Morons glumly take this all in, I wonder how, where, and why Piper found the time to change blouses in the middle of a crisis. Granted, the one she'd been sporting up to this point was an uncharacteristically hiddy cap-sleeved concoction one would think she wouldn't be caught dead wearing, but still. Priorities, woman. The endless babbling is cut short when Darling Henry rings Raige's cell with a frantic "What do you know about duels?" Raige immediately orbs over to...
...an alleyway in which Simon Mocks and ANNOYING! Basically, he's sitting off at a distance from the main action and telekinetically manipulating a length of rebar in a fencing match with Darling Henry, who must of course fend for himself the old-fashioned way by swinging his own length of rebar around with his hands. Needless to say, Darling Henry is a battered and bloody mess, but I suppose the special effects in this sequence are fairly well done, and that's what we're supposed to be focusing on at the moment, and not the fact that the pommy little shithead is coming awfully close to killing Raige's boyfriend by knocking him around with a piece of iron. Raige screams for Simon Mocks to knock it off, so Simon Mocks of course slams the rebar into Darling Henry's head once more before TKing him violently across the alleyway, where he lands at Raige's feet. "Got him right where I want him," Darling Henry gamely huffs at Raige's shoe. Raige guhs as Darling Henry pulls himself to his feet to address the -- in his words -- "pompous son of a bitch" at the other end of the alley, and I was going to transcribe it until I realized it's a horribly written and clichéd monologue that only works because it's Ivan Sergei delivering it. So, long story short, Darling Henry proves that Simon Mocks doesn't know nearly as much about Raige Matthews as he himself does, Raige and Henry profess their love for one another, Henry decks Simon Mocks in the jaw, and Raige sends Simon Mocks back "across the pond" with a dismissive flick of her telekinetically orbing wrist. "Told you I never run from a fight," Darling Henry reminds Raige. They goof off each other for a moment before we head back to...
...the nonexistent attic. Piper's Book abuse has turned up numerous entries on various "ultimate powers," all of whom have been vanquished in the past. Just then, Chrissssty telepathically connects with the Retard. "She wantssss ussss to reversssse the To Call A Losssst Witch sssspell sssso we can come find her!" "How in God's name does your damned stupid sister know about that spell?" Piper asks on behalf of the audience, perhaps using fewer words than I just did there. Alas, we are never to receive an answer, Piper or the rest of us, for Hagula butts in at this moment to state flatly, "It doesn't matter, because we're not going." Thanks for nothing, Feebs. Besides, Chrissssty doesn't want your bony ass down in Hell, anyway -- she's only looking for the Retard. Piper and Phoebe protest that the Retard is likely walking -- or orbing, or glowing-golf-ball-clouding, or whatever -- into a trap, but Maggot Neck insists. Phoebe warns that if she's not back in five minutes, the sisters are heading in after her. I don't think she really means that, though, because I swear to God that deep down inside, the Manor Morons hate her as much as I do.
Hell. A swirling cloud of glowing golf balls deposits the Retard upon the dirt of Kiefer's chamber. "Chisssssssssssssty?" she calls out, the unbearable sibilance echoing off the chamber walls. Chrissssty emerges from the shadows followed by Kiefer himself, who snarls, "Your sister can't be saved, and neither can you." Maggot Neck slackjaws her way into the final commercial break.