up is Chikezie, and I have to say, if the guy was so insistent on being that guy who decides to go by a singular name just because his ass made it onto TV for three seconds and he thinks he's made it now, he couldn't have made my life a little easier and stuck with "Eze"? Ass. The orange suit makes him look terribly lounge-lizardy, and his rendition of "More Today Than Yesterday" does nothing to divert the viewer from that impression. In criticizing Chikezie for being old-fashioned, Randy stumbles upon the central flaw here, that being that it's goddamn '60s night and they're all being set up to look old-fashioned. How are we supposed to get a good sense of these guys and their styles if we plunge right into the themes? We may get a sense, but it won't be as accurate. Dumb. Anyway, once you've got Paula using "You are here!" as her major compliment, you have to know you're in trouble, and indeed Simon slams it home: the outfit, the wink the vocals, all were "hideous." Oh, and he also calls him "Jacuzzi" in a way that makes me think he's been calling him that behind the scenes all week and he just slipped today. Heh. Funnily, the first thing Chikezie jumps in to defend is the fucking suit, slamming Simon for wearing "black, white, and gray." Listen, Tubby, you could learn to benefit from some black and gray yourself, you know. When Ryan comes out, he openly bitches about the theme, which as I mentioned is stupid. That being said, Chikezie is the one who decided to take things to Vegas, so I'm not sure if he's got much of a leg to stand on. Bottom line: shitty performance.
After the break, Ryan's in the Red Room trying to get the audience acquainted with this sweet little creature called Colton Berry. Colton cops to his resemblance to Ellen Degeneres pretty eagerly, and I suppose when you can't deny it, playing up to it is your second-best option. He also cops to his theatrical tendencies after Ryan reminds him the judges have been down on him for that. It's like, "I've done theatre for half my semi-adult life. What can I do?" I like him, poor doomed thing.
Then it's on to David Cook, and since it seems we have to discuss his hair first and foremost, I'll say it's looking a little over-fried, and appears to be covering up some receding action. On stage, he's taken "Happy Together" and not so much re-worked it into a new arrangement but molded it into his little David Cook mold. It's not some flashy attention-grabby Rock Remixxx or whatever, but David's very much, what's that thing they say? "Making it his own." This is what Chikezie couldn't manage when dealing with the stupid theme. I really like it. Randy hates the song on its merits, which makes him double impressed that David "made it a rock joint." It's kind of frustrating that Randy's overstating what I liked for being understated, but that's kind of what Randy does, so whatever. Paula mocks Simon's "a bit worthy" criticism from auditions, which David has said he still doesn't understand (uh...me neither), and at this point even Simon doesn't know what he was on about. It's nice to know we can all have our Paula Moment now and again. He's very hung up on the song v. style issue, but says David "almost" made it believable. Ryan then takes the stage and tries to put words in the judges' mouths, as he does from time to time, to my ultimate frustration. He wants Randy to mention David's evolution as a performer or some such crap. Whatever.
David Archuleta is , and I finally realize that what I'd been taking for residual after-effects of the vocal paralysis in David's voice is actually just the fact that he's adenoidal or whatever. Nasally congested up in his nasal, but all the time. Then? Well, then David sums up his big moment making the Top 24 by singing "What a feeling..." all Irene Cara-like. Sold. That's all. I am no longer simply David Archuleta's bodyguard, I am now his friend. I don't care that he sings "Shop Around." I don't care that he loses his breath at times. Truthfully, friendship issues aside, it's a good performance with flaws but also a lot of energy and the ability to hit a big note every now and again. He's totally fine. The judges predictably overpraise him: Randy says it's "brilliant," Paula says "bold," and it's Simon's favorite performance of the night. David takes this all with his customary excessive humility, which is going to wear thin on people very quickly. Dude, people are going to turn on this kid so fast, if they haven't already, for reasons that are 90% not his fault at all. It doesn't help when Ryan's all, "You're so likeable!" He tells us we can merely vote for David, not adopt him (I'll take that as a jab at me personally, and...fair enough), and poor David tries to remind us that he is seventeen years old and can drive a car and eat lunch out in the courtyard with the rest of the seniors of he wants to, but America will have none of it. He's our child now. And we're going to make a mint off of him.
up is Danny Noriega, who I don't even need to adopt because he can take care of himself, okay? He can't pick songs for shit, though, because "Jailhouse Rock"? Honey, no. I know he wants to build upon that sense of wonderment he got from the judges at the auditions -- the awe that comes from three dipshits realizing a big, flaming fairy can sing with a real man's voice -- but leave Elvis alone, for real. His voice doesn't fail him here; honestly, this would be the best karaoke performance you'd ever see in your whole life. But it's still karaoke, because have I mentioned? Elvis. He's the third rail. Don't touch him. No matter how much energy and confidence and spirit Danny puts out here -- and it's a fucking lot, because he's the kind of fantastic you don't take off and put on the dresser at night, Robbie -- he doesn't quite make it. Randy loves how Danny brings the good-time vibe wherever he goes and says it was "kinda hot." Paula calls it, essentially, a safe vocal that allowed more of a "performance," but she liked it. Simon...hated it. And he thinks it will drive casual viewers of the show away. Randy lies that Danny didn't try to ape Elvis in the performance (he totally did) as the judges talk all over each other, with Simon and Paula making it all about them for about twenty minutes. Danny actually takes it all in stride, admitting it was probably a bad song choice, despite how much he enjoyed doing it. He snaps his neck at Simon, but it's all for show, and Simon knows it. I really hope he sticks around.
So there's this guy called Luke Menard. Who has a wife and some stubble. He sings "Everybody's Talkin' At Me" from Midnight Cowboy, and he sounds very much like he should be in a boy band. Sweet voice, but not a whole lot of oomph. Of course, there's no oomph called for in the song, so who knows? There's just not a lot to hang onto. He sounds like a less-impressive version of Patrick Hall from a couple seasons ago. (...Look, if you don't remember who he was, I don't have time to remind you.) Randy sez: pitchy and sharp. Paula says Luke's got a Kenny Loggins quality that she hopes he can display sometime soon. Hey, how about when he's asked to sing in front of all of America? Is that too soon? Simon says it was forgettable, which...I don't even remember if it was or not. Luke says he wasn't so forgettable, in his opinion, and instead of letting it go without saying, Simon pipes up, "Nobody's going to admit to being forgettable," which, while true, sounds so pointed and mean that Luke, Ryan, and the audience all struck dumb with rage. Ryan's either going to throw a punch or cry, for real. I'd say it's liable to throw some sympathy votes Luke's way, but I think people are going to do their best to forget that whole ugly thing ever happened.
Colton Berry. Who needs to keep an eye on the hair. His video package reminds us that he's very theatre, very nice, and very...odd. The Teletubbies theme song calms him down? Is this some elaborate Chris Sligh-style jab at Simon again? He's chosen to sing Elvis's "Suspicious Minds," which is really the only Elvis song I like. More importantly: what's with the gays and Elvis tonight? Did Neil Patrick Harris issue a bulletin on Conan the other night? So remember that whole thing I said during Danny's performance about how you can't do an Elvis song? "Suspicious Minds" is the exception to that, because it's good enough to stand on its own. But while he avoids looking like he's competing for a free bar tab on Elvis Night, and while the voice is strong enough, Colton's performance style is a bit too mannered for my liking. His enthusiasm is infectious, though. I can't not want him to do well. Randy thought Colton wrangled a "pretty good" from a rough beginning. Paula says it wasn't his best performance. Uh-oh. You can hear the audience -- and see Colton -- brace themselves for the danger that portends. Simon doesn't go for the kill, however. He gives a measured and thoughtful critique, I think, that basically says that while he sang quite well, he didn't really present anything that went beyond "nice kid doing a good job covering Elvis," and when the objective is to find someone who can build a career singing as his or her own entity, this performance kind of doesn't give them a clue one way or the other. Thus, it wasn't worth much as an audition. He then jabs at "some contestants" for caring more about their hair than their performance which is so totally incorrect. As I said before, Colton's hair needs attention now more than ever. Guard against the helmet head of past auditions, Colton!