Kelley is sitting outside smoking (!) and talking to Danny, who is wearing that gray sweater. It's like the two most-discussed forum topics (smoking and the sweater) converged into one scene. Danny says that before he moved there, he told all his friends that he wouldn't hook up and his friends laughed, but he said he wouldn't do it. Kelley says, "Yeah, right." In an interview, Danny says that there's a voice in the back of his head telling him to go for it. Dude, maybe you should talk to someone about the voices in your head. That is not a good sign. Didn't you watch ER last year, when Lucy got stabbed? These things take root in your twenties. I know because Mark Greene told me. Oh wait, where was I? Danny's saying in an interview that it would be different if he had more time to "hang out" before leaving, and that he's been thinking about Paul the entire time.
Danny is on the phone with Paul. Man, all you Danny-lovers must be in paradise this week. It's like he's Melissa, he's getting so much camera time. They are wrapping up their conversation and Paul says, "Have fun." Danny asks what he means by that, like Paul is going to slip a "I don't care if you kiss other boys" statement in the end of the conversation like that. Way to make him suspicious, Danny! Paul clarifies that he feels "like a distraction," which Danny denies, but Paul says that sometimes it feels that way. Oh Lord, please do not let him turn into another Stephanie, Nathan's girlfriend from the Seattle season. I already have to deal with her when recapping those episodes, and it's about all I can take. In a confessional, Danny says that he's going to try to hold off and stay faithful to Paul, but he doesn't know if he can. Danny hangs up the phone, so we don't really know how or if that situation was resolved. In a confessional, Danny says he's never felt like this before and he misses Paul a lot. Yeah, we got that, Skippy. Can we move along here? Danny gets into bed with Kelley and tells her he feels "like a hypocrite." How is he like a hypocrite? I hate these out-of-context statements. I have no idea to what he is referring, unless I am just being dense. Which is entirely possible. I'm sure y'all will let me know in the forums if I'm missing something. Anyway, Kelley says that "New Orleans is gay central," and that Danny is going to get hit on constantly. I didn't get the memo about New Orleans being gay central. I'd better call the Gay Head Office and give them my new address. Danny says he wants to be strong, and "quit being so retarded." Kelley tells him to be strong and have some convictions in life. I have no idea if she's telling him to cheat on Paul or not.
Julie and Matt walk down the street at night and get onto an empty streetcar. Julie notes that the whole car is empty and says she's not sitting to Matt, then. Matt really looks like he could not care less what Julie does. Julie sits a few rows behind him. In a confessional, Matt says that there is a "weirdness" between him and Julie that prevents them from talking, and he doesn't know what it is. I have written in my notes that Matt makes a "weird gesture" during this speech, but that really doesn't adequately describe it. He looks like Pauly Shore on crack. Which would be Pauly Shore, I guess. I wish I could describe it to you, but suffice it to say that he starts out pointing at the camera and twists his hands around, and ends up making a big L for Loser at the end. Back on the streetcar, Julie had abandoned her "sitting far away from Matt" plan to engage in her "sitting right behind Matt and hugging him" plan. In an interview, Julie says that "since day one, Matt had some awareness that [she] was attracted to him," and she doesn't see how he couldn't. Yeah, me neither, given the googly eyes she was making at him during that first episode. Julie tells us that she and Matt are having "communications issues," meaning they don't talk to each other very much, and when they do it's "more like him talking at [her]." I can't imagine Matt preaching to someone! Oh, wait, yes I can, since he does it every week. Matt says he loves his computer. Julie says that he made love to his computer. Oh, gross. I don't want to think about Matt making love in any context, ever. Matt says his computer is "full-figured" and he hugs it and rocks it to sleep, and they have a cool relationship. What? Is that supposed to be a joke, or something? I don't get it. Matt says that the best part of his computer is that he can control it. Well, he actually says that he can turn it on and off, but you know that's what he meant. Julie says, "It listens to you." Matt says, "Exactly." Man, can't you just see Matt in twenty years with a "little woman" who does his bidding and scary Stepford children? He seems like a bit of a control freak.
Suddenly, it's daytime and Julie is at the airport, picking up her brother, Alan. He looks exactly like her, but his face is a little chubbier and he has darker, short hair. But they have the same face. In an interview, Julie says that Alan is an important person in her life, because they have the "same scene." Julie tells Alan about a vintage guitar shop she found. In a voice-over, Julie says that her brother is a good person to talk to, and she's glad he came to visit.
Back at Belfort, Julie unwraps some stuff that Alan brought with him. Alan tells her they are Valentine's Day presents that he brought for all of the roommates. Melissa stands there and watches. Alan figured that if no other boys are going to buy Julie Valentine's Day gifts, he will. Thus begins the slightly creepy aspect of their relationship. During this speech, Matt walks into the room with a video camera in his hand, but makes a face like "Whoops!" and then walks back out with no explanation. In an interview, Matt says that he has nothing planned for Valentine's Day and that it's just another day for him, like we care. In a confessional, Julie says you don't have to have a lover on Valentine's Day, you just have to have love. And presents from your brother, apparently. Julie tells Melissa that Alan is the best. In an interview, Melissa says that Julie and her brother have an excellent relationship and "it seems that they didn't have television as children, the way they get along so well." Oh, okay. Heh. Sometimes Melissa cracks a funny. Julie says that Alan is sweet and Melissa says it's sickening. It is.
Some old guys are playing blues on the street. In an interview, Julie says that Alan had never been to "a big city like New Orleans," where "they have the French Quarter" and she thinks he's open to it. Did you know that population-wise, Milwaukee (Julie's hometown) is bigger than New Orleans? Yeah, I don't think Julie does either. I know that Julie is probably from some suburb or rural area outside Milwaukee, and that New Orleans is a crazy city, but come on. Jeffrey Dahmer lived in Milwaukee, so don't tell me they don't have crazy-ass stuff there too. Speaking of crazy-ass stuff, Julie and Alan decide to bust out their guitars right there in the French Quarter (I guess) and play some tunes. Some homeless guy starts squirming around in agony, but they take that to mean that he's having a good time. People start tossing money in their guitar cases, hoping that they will take the hint and get out, or possibly go pay someone to tune their guitars because they are wicked out of tune. Julie announces that they got three dollars. If they were true Mormons, they would give the money to that sad homeless man so that he could go buy a bottle of Mad Dog or something. He deserves it after listening to them. Hell, I deserve it after listening to them.
In an interview, Julie says she feels like Alan understands her, and that although he doesn't agree with everything she says, he doesn't judge her. She doesn't add, "like Matt," but she should. Also, their relationship is starting to creep me out a little. Anyway, Julie wants to get a tarot card reading but Alan feels tarot cards are the tools of Satan (no, I'm not kidding, he really does). Then she wants to get a palm reading, which is also apparently of the devil. She runs off and whines, "Come ooooooonnnn," and Alan tells her that she can have all the damnation for herself, but he's not getting a palm reading. For real. He really said that. Julie asks the palm reader if she will find "the man of [her] dreams", like give it a rest, Julie. The palm reader points out her love line and when Julie whines that it's really short, replies that it is really strong. In a confessional, Julie says that she got some depressing news for Valentine's Day. The palm reader told her she won't fall in love until she's twenty-four, and she won't get married until she's thirty. Gasp! The horror! Not thirty! Why, that's ancient! How will she go forth and populate the planet with her Mormon babies? Julie tells the palm reader that she can't believe she's going to be a virgin until she's thirty and the palm reader is all, "No!" like "I didn't say you wouldn't have sex, I just said you wouldn't get married!" Julie says she might as well shoot herself, like could she be any hornier? Not that there's anything wrong with looking forward to sex, or even saving herself for her husband if that's what floats her boat, but someone needs to introduce this girl to the wonders of masturbation. I nominate Melissa. That's probably not allowed by her church either, though.
Julie says that there are lots of things in the world that she doesn't like, but she just deals with it and goes on. She and Alan are having a chat in her bedroom. Matt walks in and then asks if it's a "family conversation," but Julie sits up like a puppy and pants to indicate that she would love for him to join them. Or something close to that. Matt sits down on the bed to Julie, who immediately takes that as an invitation to lay her head on his chest. Oh, then it all gets really, really bad. Seriously, I deserve combat pay for this segment. As Matt lies down on the bed, everything goes all fuzzy and slow motion. As Julie voice-overs that Matt has "a beautiful mouth," we see slow-motion shots of Matt's mouth talking, and then Matt eating a peach! Good god, why don't they just have Julie eating a banana and then Matt eating a taco. The shot is Matt eating a taco. Just kidding! But it's almost as bad. Julie voice-overs, "His lips are just perfect." We get two extreme close-ups of Matt's pale, thin, scary lips. Did he pay her to say this? Julie continues my torture by saying, "I can't talk to someone when I'm just like, 'Wow, you have a gorgeous mouth.'" Okay, seriously, she needs to get laid. Badly. Matt's super albino powers sense his impending doom and his sensors tell him to regress to the third grade, so he makes a farting noise and tells Julie his armpit farted on her head, and then hightails it out of there. He really did that. Now Julie's all fired up, and she hasn't gotten that masturbation lesson from Melissa yet, so her eyes land on...her brother. Alan tells her she's stupid because she says she hates Matt and then he comes in the room and she's all over him. Julie starts beating him up, and they wrestle on the bed for a while. Alan says he must have struck a nerve or she wouldn't be reacting this way. The most disturbing part is when he says, "Because you let him touch you for two seconds, you're all..." So she's taking out her sexual frustration on her brother? Jesus, when did The Real World turn into a V.C. Andrews novel? In an interview, Julie says that Alan will tell her when she's being stupid. Dude, that's a full-time job. Alan says that he knows her too well and that she would hate it if he lived there because he would call her on all her stupid things.
The phone rings. It's Paul, and Danny asks him if he's in uniform right now. Paul says that actually he's not wearing anything, which Danny thinks is "even better." Danny asks Paul to show up at his house, and Paul says he has to work, but that Danny should expect something the day between 8 and 9 (he doesn't say AM or PM). Danny says he'll be there. Paul promises it's not "a dancing telegram." In an interview, Danny says that something is going to be sent to him and he has no clue what it is. Do they think we were asleep through that whole segment, so they have to repeat it? Actually, that's not a bad assumption.