Brah-braah-braaaah. Big man fancy talk in Richard's some-kind-of-office. Something about a lawsuit, secretary, brah-braah-brahhh-cigars and brandy-mwah-ah-ahhh. Man, I gotta go to bed. That's the weirdest collection of words I've ever called "recapping." Good night.
So it's a couple of days later and I'm REALLY STOKED to finish this recap with y'all. No, for reals. I love you guys. Where were we? Oh, yeah. Business guys. Cigars. Lots of big, corporate dick-measuring. They're talking about whether or not "He" will settle, or if they're going to court. I don't know if they're discussing Digger or not. Richard says they're going to need outside counsel for this because it's going to get messy. He suggests Simon McClaine. The other two guys stammer and look anywhere but at Richard as they tell him they figured Simon would be the wrong person for the job, considering his relationship with Emily. Richard takes a moment, processes what they just said, and plays it like he's known all along that Simon and Emily had a relationship. Does that mean all of his business people know Richard and Emily have separated? You'd think Emily would have made more of a deal out of this, upset at what people are assuming about them as they're living their lives straight out of the pages of Tony and Carmela's marriage handbook. Edward Hermann is such a good actor. He takes just a beat before asking, "What about Brant?" The other two agree that Brant is a great choice. Poor Richard. (Run Lola Run soundtrack.)
Lorelai seems pretty mellow with the fact that Cletus has escaped again and is standing in a neighbor's wading pool. Lorelai's quickly turning into the kind of white trash who don't care where her animals roam or who her children sleep with, as long as some man comes to fix her problem with her VEE-hickle. Michel busts in to tattle that he found a mussed bed in Room 3 after he checked it last night and saw it was perfect. "No muss!" he shouts. "No fuss!" Lorelai shouts back. Michel's in no mood for jokes. He has decided that employees are using the rooms for "clandestine encounters" on their coffee breaks. He thinks it's "Lars" and "Celia," due to Celia's recent weight gain. Poor Michel. He doesn't seem to know that new sex makes you lose weight. Sookie suggests they might have a ghost at the inn, an explanation Lorelai's much more interested in exploring. Michel takes the shenanigans until "Hungry Horny Ghosts." Remember that game? Mom took ours because she kept stepping on the marbles that would fall onto the floor. Kirk's in the kitchen, assembling a bouquet, trying to determine if he'd like to work on a kitchen staff some day. I'd love to see Kirk do his taxes. How many W-2s does he receive in a year? Is he incorporated? Is he also his own accountant? Sookie and Lorelai fire Kirk. Lorelai gets a phone call.
Charity...function...ball...event thing. Emily arrives. Simon leans into her window for some innocent flirting. He's there with his daughter and her husband, and would like to introduce her. Before he gets a chance, a car comes screeching from behind and slams into Emily's. Now, perhaps the Foley artist went a little crazy, but it sounds like Emily should be either dead or suffering from a serious concussion. But she's fine, just annoyed, even though her neck shouldn't let her whip her head around in fury quite that quickly. It's Richard who barreled into her car. And Richard gets out of his car and informs Emily that he misjudged the distance. He tells Simon to go away and not call her anymore. (Q-Tip: Amplified.) He drags Emily by the arm from the party into his car, saying she cannot go to the party now that she's been in an accident. Inside his car, he says they should maybe go to the hospital. Richard tells Emily she should wait outside the car for the valet. "I know you dated him," he says. "Simon McClaine! I know you dated Simon McClaine!" Emily doesn't want to talk about it, so soon after her accident. Richard says he found out about it in a business meeting, which isn't exactly the best time. Emily says it was dinner and nothing happened. Richard says he only had lunch with Pennilynn Lott, but she didn't believe him. "People are staring, Richard," Emily says. Richard drives off -- not slamming into any other cars, surprisingly.
There's a jam goin' on at the Kims', y'all. Sebastian Bach plays along. Everyone's having a great time except the pouty lovebirds. Lane says they'll leave immediately after dessert. MfTL says he's counting the seconds. Why is his hair feathered? MamaLane tries to pull Lane into the kitchen for help, but Lane doesn't want to leave her man's side. MamaLane says she needs to come. Lane says she doesn't have to, since she's a guest, and she doesn't like MamaLane dictating what she does. MfTL tries to get Lane to listen to her mother. "Such insolence!" MamaLane spits. "You don't get it, Mama," Lane says. MamaLane: "Oh, I get it. You're modern woman now." She says Lane's got new values now, values she didn't teach her. "Spending time with boys. Living with boys. Banging drums and playing noise in a rock band with boys. Paint on your fingernails. Gel in your hair. So vain now you don't even wear your glasses." And here's where MamaLane and mfTL bond, over Lane's contacts: "You're not you without your glasses." They liked her better before, with glasses, when she looked smart and different and not pretty and girly like everyone else. It's a weird kind of love and repression, and they bond so well that they immediately go through Lane's baby photo albums. The song ends, and Sebastian Bach screams, "Ooooh, YEAH! AWESOME! YOU GUYS ROCK!" Then he asks if they know some Deep Purple.