By Al Lowe
Lorelai is worried that Christopher isn't fitting in with the Stars Hollow crowd. She's right. She sends him out on a Man Date with Jackson to give him some local street cred. He seems to be doing all right until he ruins the classic Stars Hollow Knitathon, trying to be Mr. Big. Rory attends Lucy's birthday party (at which Paris and Doyle perform some episode-saving hip-hop dancing) and smoothes over her friendship with Marty. It's like old times until he makes it obvious that he's still got the hots for her. Luke receives the upsetting news that Anna is moving with April to New Mexico. He tries to work something out with Anna for visitation, but she freaks like Sally Field in Not Without My Daughter. When Luke attends the homebirth of Liz's baby girl, he realizes how important his time with April has been. He gets up in Anna's face and threatens to fight her in court for his rights as a father.
It's Friday night, and Lorelai and Christopher are being toasted by the Gilmores. Richard tells a cute little story about Lorelai as a ten-year-old swearing she would one day marry Tip O'Neill. "I liked the name 'Tip,'" Lorelai says in her defense. "I thought it was, cute like a puppy or a bunny." Oh my God. Even I, who live with an historian, would have to physically hijack the Wayback Machine to explain to you why that's supposed to be funny. To commemorate the occasion of Chris and Lorelai's marriage, Richard says, he and Emily have bought them a little gift. It's about the size of a painting. Way to go, Lorelai. If you had married Luke, they would have given you a HOUSE. But a painting's nice. Hell, maybe it's a Picasso. Oh...well, no, it isn't. The Grandparents look on proudly as Lorelai eagerly rips it open. "Wow..." she says, as if in shock. "It's extraordinary." Emily explains that the piece is an etching by Kiki Smith titled Wolf Girl. Richard happily says that all young couples should cultivate an art collection, and Lorelai, turning the frame so that Rory can see it, says that Wolf Girl will start their collection off "with a bang." It's hideous. Even Rory gasps out loud to see the portrait of a hairy young woman. "We were flying blind without a gift registry," Emily says, seemingly pleased. Lorelai says that they flew great.
"Of course," Emily adds, with that slightly ominous, passive-aggressive tone we've come to love, "I imagine it's difficult to have the forethought to register when you decide to elope." She says that, when couples elope, nothing is quite done in the traditional manner: "For instance, informing your parents of your marriage by leaving them a message on their answering machine." Christopher is surprised to hear this. Apparently, Lorelai told him that she had told her parents of the wedding. Lorelai: "I didn't say they were home when I told them!" Rory can't help gasping again: "Mom, you're such a chicken." Christopher: "You left a message on their machine?" Richard says that she certainly did, and Emily launches into a deservedly smug and vengeful story about coming home and hearing, between messages between fundraisers and tennis dates, that -- guess what? -- her only daughter is married: "Well, why just talk about it? Why not share it?" With that, despite Lorelai's urgent protests, she turns to the side table and plays the message. "Hey," comes Lorelai's voice from the machine. "Just wanted you guys to know, Christopher and I are back from Paris. Gigi's all set, and, uh, we just ended up, uhhhh, getting married. So, anyway, see you Friday. Bye!" Rory and Christopher visibly cringe with shame as Emily and Richard gloat. Lorelai begs her to erase the message, but Emily says no: she and Richard will treasure it forever as a keepsake or a memento. "Remember when Lorelai told us she was married," she says to Richard in a dreamy voice. "Ah, yes," he faux-reminisces. "Now, what was it exactly that she said?" Emily: "I think it was something like...THIS!" Click. She plays it again. Good one, Geezers. Twenty-five years, one illegitimate grandchild, and many mutual disappointments later, you finally got her.
Rory is congratulating Lucy on her first legal drink at her 2002 party when Lucy catches sight of Paris and Doyle. Her eyes go wide. "You totally delivered," she says to Rory, who encourages her to go and speak to the legend that is Paris. Lucy nervously goes forth, leaving Rory to stare in frustration at Marty. She takes a shot at being a bigger person, and goes to the bar to talk to him: "Barkeep, I'll have an upside down tequila slammer with a twist!" Humorlessly, Marty drones that he doesn't know how to make that. "I know," she sighs. "I just made it up." He monotones an "oh." Finally, Rory confronts his stupid behavior, asking if it's going to be like this between them from now on. "I'm sorry," he finally says, and they are suddenly back to their old selves, laughing, especially, when they see that Paris and Doyle have AWESOMELY taken over the dance floor and are doing a choreographed routine that is blowing the minds of all assembled.
However many hours later or earlier (whatever, I've come to accept it), Luke sits in awe with the brand-new parents, Liz and T.J. and their baby girl. Does no one in Stars Hollow ever give birth to boys? Is it something in the water? There's Davey, of course, but we never see him, so I question whether he's really a boy. "Are you sure about the name 'Doula,'" Luke asks, obviously hoping he is mistaken about their choice for a name. It is kind of sad, really, although I have heard worse. When T.J. passes little Doula over to him, Uncle Luke is filled with emotion. Twice in one episode! Quietly, he says, "She's great."
Christopher is supporting the knitters with coffee as they lag more than $7000 behind their goal. "We're never going to make it, are we?" Miss Patty laments. Babette: "Not without dopin'!" Awesome. Lorelai tries to rally: "You guys, don't talk like that! Think of the bridge! We'll never be able to look it in the I-bar again if we let it down." Chris gets a poignant look as he watches them struggle with their task. Maybe, Miss Patty points out, scheduling an outdoor event in November wasn't such a great move. "It's a bad move," Babette says. "But it's part of a great tradition of bad moves by Taylor." Suddenly, Taylor has an announcement. Stars Hollow's newest resident, Christopher Hayden, has donated the balance of their goal, bringing them up to ten grand. "Honey?" Lorelai says, nervous. "Thank...you..." Miss Patty says, clearly disappointed. "That was very..." Sookie jumps in: "Generous! Wasn't that generous?" Christopher's heart was in the right place, of course, but that's not what Stars Hollow is about. Stars Hollow is about quirkiness! They are about knitting for eighteen hours in the cold! And now that their goal has been met, what's the point? Everyone gets up to leave, grumbling, while Lorelai tries desperately to keep the knitting alive. "Sorry, honey," says Sookie, seeing her disappointment, and the workers immediately begin clearing up the scene of the Knit-a-Thon.
Back at the party, Rory and Olivia drunkenly study the dancers, joking that Paris has trained for this party like an Olympic event. As Olivia lurches off toward her party-target, Buzz Cut Boy, Marty flops on the couch to take her place. "That upside twisted slammer," Rory slurs, "is living up to its name, man." Marty, also, is boozed up. Rory comments that the last time she saw him drunk, he was naked and passed out outside her dorm room. "So," he says, "the truth comes out after all these years. You checked me out." Rory denies it, saying that she did not. They joke about how skinny he was back as a college freshman. "But now," he says, feeling his muscles, "I'm Marty Schwarzenegger." She laughs that he's looking good. "And you," he says, getting suddenly serious, "are more beautiful than ever." Oops. Rory is skeeved. Their awkwardness returns. "Um," she says, "you should be out there with Lucy." Freaked himself, Marty immediately gets up and kisses his girlfriend.
Christopher can't understand how donating the rest of the money to save the bridge was a bad thing. Lorelai says she knows it doesn't make any sense, but that the whole point was to save it with knitting. "I thought I was doing a good thing," says Christopher, but she says he doesn't have to worry about trying so hard. He laughs, saying that she's the one that's making him try hard, setting him up on man dates and stuff. I hate to say it, but you know he's right. And then in the breath, he's wrong: "You know what? I'm a likable guy." He says he's nice, and that people like him and the people of Stars Hollow are going to love him because he loves Lorelai: "And I'm gonna be here, loving you." Whatever, dude. I don't understand why they're trying to make me like you, but it isn't working. Christopher hits Lorelai with the farming metaphor, and she is duly impressed. "You know what, Mr. Doesn't Understand What He's Talking About But Is Actually Pretty Wise?" she asks him. Christopher: "What's that, Mrs. Goes Through Five Hundred Emotions Every Day?" Lorelai: "I love you, a lot." Oh, man. More I-love-yous. Just call me Ms. What The Fuck Is Going On Here, and we'll have a party.
Luke has arrived at Anna's, and it is ON. "You're always telling me that I can't do this with your daughter, and I can't do that with your daughter," he says, "and you know what? She's not just your daughter." Anna sneers at him, asking what his point is, and he rants about how wrong it was for her to keep April from him for so long. "She's my kid," he says. "She's our kid, not just yours. I'm not going to let you treat me this way. I'm her father!" He says she can't just decide things about April without him: "I will fight you if I have to. I'm her father. And I have rights."