Previously on Real World: oh, so now they're back to "Previously on..." Last week, I thought they had given up the falsely opening. But apparently, last week the editors realized that they were spinning the "Jamie gets religion" and "Jamie loves Julie" storylines out of thin air, so they didn't even try to pretend like it's been an ongoing theme of the season. And I appreciated that acknowledgement. But now, we're back to "Previously on..." David likes producing their television show. Elton tells David that he can't do it all himself. Matt thinks there's "a weirdness" between him and Julie, and Julie agrees. Matt thinks his webpage is "on fire" and girls like to "sign his guestbook." Oh, this is going to be so sad. That is probably the saddest thing that Matt has said so far this season, and if this episode is going to be more of the same, I don't know if I can take the patheticness.
So, given the way the show opens, here's what I imagine happened. Bunim and Murray realized that they were up against the World Series tonight. The same World Series that has been pulling in pretty high ratings. They realized that the "Julie's family" episode was really the peak of the season, and it's all downhill from here. They've used up all the really dramatic footage, and it's getting harder and harder to construct storylines out of what's left. Oh, don't you worry -- they still have a few tricks up their sleeves! But they have to wait until a little later in the season to show them off. And yet, they still need to pull in the casual viewer, the guy who is just flipping through the channels in the off chance that the World Series game is boring. So what do they show to pull him in?
David is at a strip club, watching some nearly naked ladies writhe around on stage. He voice-overs, "I like booty. I love bodies. I love women." I would like to correct him on that one -- he doesn't really love women. If he loved women, he would be capable of forming real relationships with them, and he wouldn't use words like "booty" to refer to them. Also, as near as I can tell, he's at this club by himself, and sitting right to the edge of the stage. I realize that the cameras are going to make the women come over to him. Does he realize that? But I think that, like drinking alone, going to strip clubs alone is both creepy and the sign of a potential problem. Of course, that's just my opinion. In an interview, David tells us he is producing the seventh episode of their television show. Let's see, we've seen shows produced by Kelley, David, Jamie, and Julie. That's four. And this is the seventh. Interesting. David's idea is to have a "fashion show" with some of the girls from the club.
Cut to David and his roommates at the NOA-TV studio. David is showing where he would put the "lighted runway." Julie and Matt look amused. In an interview, Julie says, "So, we're going to have all of David's hos come and dress all skank, and parade around, and it's supposed to be entertaining?" And I probably should laugh at that, but it kind of bugged me for some reason. I think it was the way she said it, and not what she said. Back in the studio, Julie asks if they can have guys model, too. David says he doesn't want guys. Julie points out that it will make her (and probably other women, and some men) uncomfortable to have just women showing themselves off. David refuses to listen to her and walks away saying, "I don't want guys." He can keep saying it, but it doesn't make it true. Okay, I really don't think David is gay, but it just seemed like too easy a joke to pass up. In an interview, Julie complains that David only wants to do things his way, but it's supposed to be "The Real Seven, not The Real David." In an interview, Melissa says, "Why can't there be guy models? Because it would take away from David's focus, which would be himself." Word. Elton lectures them all, saying that with so many people in front of the camera, it could break down and look chaotic (as opposed to their usual show, which I guess is completely under control). Elton says that the show needs to have "a flow," and I imagine David's ears perk up, because he's all about the flow. Elton concludes that everyone needs to know everything that is going to happen on the show at all times. The group starts to walk out. What the hell kind of pants is Danny wearing? I think he has his pajamas on. Julie hangs back in order to catch David and try to talk to him some more about the guy models. She asks if he understands where she is coming from, and he just says, "Whatever, dude," and totally walks away from her. To quote Stephanie Tanner, "How rude!" Julie makes a disgusted face and then walks away, mumbling, "I've never had this problem communicating with people." Well, except her dad.
Elton catches up with David, who is wandering around with a clipboard, pretending like he's not just ignoring Julie. Elton tells David he needs to be more open. David's response: "Fuck that." Nice. In an interview, David says, "Elton doesn't like my style of producing." Because it sucks! David thinks he can do it by himself. Elton tries to explain that David is going to need his roommates' help on the night of the show, and if he shuts them out now, they won't help him then. David never looks at Elton. Is this some sort of alpha male thing? Elton notices too, and asks David to look at him when he's talking. David turns his head in the right direction, but his eyes are roaming around the studio still. What is with him? Why can't he look anyone in the eye? Maybe because he knows he's full of crap. Elton says that "the trick to a good director is to get what you want, but have everyone buy into what you're doing." So basically, he's giving David a license to be self-centered. Although, frankly, it's the only thing that might work with David at this point.
Melissa and Matt are at The Red Room with Lionel, who's displaying his art. In a confessional, Matt tells us that he saw this girl named Brandy, who he really liked. We see Matt talking to Brandy, and she's smiling. It couldn't have anything to do with the cameras, though. Right? Right? Brandy is a beautiful black woman, and I only point that out because if you don't know that, some of Melissa's later comments aren't going to make any sense. In a totally different confessional than the one we just saw, Matt says that Brandy is "fun, interesting, smart, well-traveled." He got all of that from a two-minute conversation in a club? Melissa and Lionel watch Matt talking to Brandy. It looks like they might be making fun of him, but it's hard to say since we can't hear what they are saying. Then, we get to see Matt's mating ritual. First, he threatens to start flipping over tables. Then, he executes a spin maneuver with fingers pointing like guns. When the evening has come to end, Matt shakes Brandy's hand and says that he hopes to see her again. Okay, that's not terribly cheesy. But then he commits the biggest mistake -- he asks if she's going to visit his webpage. Oh, no. Oh, Matt. What are you doing? Brandy smiles and nods, but you can tell secretly she is thinking, "If I sign his guestbook, will I automatically get on camera again?" Or, she might be thinking, "What the hell is a guestbook?" I don't know.
Matt, Jamie, and Melissa walk out of the club. Jamie was there? This is the first we've seen of him. Matt is doing these bizarre spastic movements to indicate his joy, I guess. Melissa comments that he wanted some "chocolate in that milk." Later, Matt keeps saying, "Brandy is cool." Melissa notes that she is "gorgeous too." Matt just keeps repeating, "She is cool." I wish they would show more about why Matt likes her so much. I mean, is it just how pretty she is? Did he gain some insight into her soul during their conversation? I really am curious as to what Matt wants in a woman. I figured at the beginning of the season that he would find Julie to be the perfect mate, and he didn't, so I'm genuinely curious. The trio arrives home. Melissa is telling Danny and Julie about Matt jumping into "a pool of cute little brown girls." In the background, Jamie is hugging Julie. Remember last week, when he was in love with her? Yeah, it seems that storyline is irrelevant this week. Melissa jokes that Matt "dropped the three dubs." I'm guessing that's something Matt says a lot, but Danny doesn't get it -- it means that Matt gave out his site's URL. Get it? Because it's www-dot-something? Clearly, Matt didn't get the memo that it's even cooler to leave the www part out entirely. And how embarrassing that he's made up a phrase to describe his method of picking up women. Melissa explains about the whole "signing the guestbook" thing, and Danny giggles and leaves the room. We see Julie start playing with the computer on the desk -- this is important later. Danny asks what happens if the girl doesn't have a computer. Yeah! In an interview, Julie says that Matt is "totally smitten" and "twitter-pated." Matt does a goofy dance in the kitchen. I can only hope that he is watching this episode and cringing, and vowing to never dance again. NEVER!
It's the morning, but Melissa and Jamie are still wearing the same clothes from the day before. Maybe they stayed up all night? It's clearly the morning, though, because Matt comes in and tells them that Brandy signed his guestbook at 9:06 this morning. Melissa expresses interest, so Matt recites the message: "Hi, I met you at the Red Room last night." The recitation is interrupted by an interview with Matt, where he claims that the message was "harsh." Could we listen to it and decide for ourselves? Matt continues his recitation in an interview: "You seem nice and pretty cool, but URLs are for pedophiles and assholes." Hee! I'm not saying that everyone with a personal website is one of those things -- I have a personal website. I have two, actually. I'm just saying that trying to pick up chicks using that method is lame, lame, and lame. Matt keeps emphasizing to Melissa and Jamie that it was signed "by 9:00 this morning." Actually, to be picky, it was just after nine. In an interview, Matt says that he thought Brandy was "being playful," and he still thinks she's "rad." Or, she hates you. Or, it wasn't her. Just a couple of other possibilities, there.
Kelley and Melissa are talking to Jackie, one of David's models. Melissa voice-overs that this is where they started to learn the truth about the show. Kelley explains to Melissa that there's no designer, the girls are wearing their own clothes, and that there are not yet twenty girls anyway. In an interview, Melissa says that there aren't twenty models, and in fact there are only five. Jackie continues to dig David's grave even deeper, as she continues to explain. Cut to Melissa's interview, where she says they have "twenty random girls from New Orleans -- and we've seen the outfits in this town -- just put together their own clothes and come out onto this floor." Yeah, that's not a fashion show at all. That's like, well, a strip club, minus the stripping. Or maybe a beauty pageant, minus the judging. Depending on what the women are wearing. Kelley says that they thought the show was all done, but clearly it's not. In an interview, Melissa says, "David is secretive." Well, besides wanting to do it all himself, he probably knew that his female roommates, especially, would not approve of his plans.
God, is this only the first commercial break?
David is talking to Elton at NOA-TV. David says that the "fashion show" is going to be "tamed down, which is a travesty." Elton says they might be able to still pull something off that's pretty cool. Then I become convinced that Melissa is right, and Elton is an actor. David asks what the policy is on strippers. And Elton doesn't blink a fucking eyelash. Anyone else would have reacted to the word "strippers" in some way -- a smile, a gasp, something. Dude didn't move a muscle. Finally, Elton raises his eyebrows at David and asks what the girls will be doing. He and David negotiate from "taking some stuff off" to "doing some moves" to "wearing bathing suits." Elton is totally different when he's talking to David. He's...nice. Given what Melissa said in her interview, maybe they had run into each other at some strip clubs the night before. In a confessional, David says, "Always look for the loopholes." David tries to claim that "swimsuits are very summer." Look, I'm all for appreciating the female form and letting women express themselves however they see fit. But seriously? If I were in the cast, I don't know if I could participate in this show. That said, it will probably be their highest-rated show of the season. Do they even do ratings for cable access? Elton emphasizes that the women must remain clothed. I thought at first that he was joking, and that the women really were going to strip. I'll save you the suspense -- they don't.
After random shots of strippers doing their thing (that they could have recycled from that Hawaii season for all I know), we're back at Belfort. Matt tells Melissa that Lionel gave him Brandy's phone number, but he's nervous to call her. In an interview, Melissa says, "Big ol' net boy. Calm it down." Also, Melissa was wearing this scarf (?) on her head that was really unflattering.
David has convened a meeting in the house to discuss the show. In an interview, David says that when the final plan is in place, that's when he needs the roommates to make it work. David looks like he's about to fall asleep as he mumbles a thanks to everyone for being there, and tells them that he can't do the show without them. Is that really David? In an interview, Matt says that David does all the work and then asks for help at the last minute, so he's "not a very good producer." I think that was the same clip they used last time David produced a show. David explains that the women will be wearing bathing suits, and it's going to be "guys and girls." He doesn't have as many guys as girls, but it's "going to be a good mix." David says he wants them all to be able to comment, but they have to be nice. Matt has his socks pulled up all the way, and it looks really geeky. I don't know why that should surprise me. I think Danny is asleep. In an interview, Matt says that the "concept of the show is pretty weak." Maybe he could bring that up in the meeting they're having instead of in the interview? Just a thought. I mean, he's right, but it seems weird to mention it in the interview and not in the meeting. David thanks everyone for their hard work, "in advance," and says that the show will be "confusing." If he knows that now, why doesn't he try to make it not confusing? I don't understand this show at all.
A blues song plays while we see Matt preparing to call Brandy. In a confessional, Matt tells us that he's really nervous, and that he actually put his hand on the phone a few times and then picked it up before he finally called. In an interview, Matt tells us that Brandy asked where he got the number, and he told her he got it from Lionel. He didn't think it was a big deal, since she signed his guestbook. Enough with the guestbook! Brandy tells him that she didn't sign his guestbook. D'oh! Matt continues the interview by saying that Brandy then said she has a boyfriend, and he doesn't even know where the conversation went after that. I actually feel kind of bad for Matt right now. Despite his sketchy methods at picking up chicks, that sucks. We see various shots of Matt sitting around the house, staring into space while the blues song continues. So sad. In an interview, Melissa says, "Matt and Brandy, café con leche. But that can't be, so it's just leche, poor thing."
Melissa and Julie are in the Yukon. Melissa is telling Julie about what happened to Matt and says, "Whoever did that is a mastermind, boy. It's wrong but it's funny." Julie starts giggling and admits that she did it. She makes Melissa swear not to tell Matt, and says she'll tell him when the time is right. In an interview, Melissa says Matt's "heart was broken. Julie ain't right." Then, she cackles evilly. Okay, it was mean, but it was pretty funny. Maybe Web Boy needs to develop a better method of tracking who really signs his guestbook.
David is on the phone with one of the strippers. Jamie tells us that David "networks with the strippers," but it's not working out. The woman on the phone explains to David how many women are and are not coming. In an interview, David says he is "mad nervous that this show will not pop off." David asks them to be ready by 4:00, and the women sort of agree. David gets off the phone and paces around the house. In an interview, he says that if this gets messed up, it's all his fault. Well, at least he acknowledges that.
Julie and Matt are painting chairs on the porch. Julie says that she hoped the joke would "bridge that gap that [they] have." That is a lame explanation. She should have just said she thought it was funny. In an interview, Matt says that Julie "screwed [him] over" and "made [him] look like a dork in front of a girl that [he likes]." I don't think he needed any help in the dork department. Julie says that she didn't mean to destroy his chances with "Brittany...or Brandy," and there wasn't any "malice" and she's not "a mean person." It was supposed to be "playful." Matt tries to say Julie wouldn't have done it...but Julie interrupts to say that she would have done it to anyone in the house. In an interview, Julie has been taken over by the scarf monster, as she says, "Dude, it was a joke. I'm sorry." In a confessional, Matt says that "she says it was a joke, but you wonder." What do you wonder? Am I supposed to think that Julie, who has seen more action than just about anyone in the house this season, is jealous because Matt is interested in other women? Whatever.
All of the strippers -- I mean, models -- walk into NOA-TV. In an interview, David says, "Dave has got it together." Who is this Dave he is referring to? The strippers get dressed. Melissa says she "will give David props on the set." It does look pretty nice. Lots of candles and...stuff. As David is talking to someone, a window that he had propped up somewhere falls and breaks. Well, better now than during the show. David shows Matt and Kelley how the show is going to work. In an interview, Matt says that they are the people who will be in front of the camera, live. Kelley explains in her own interview that they are also the ones who will look like idiots if it doesn't go right. Elton is huddled down in front of Kelley and Matt and asks if there is mention of price. Kelley and Matt kind of mumble, until Elton tells them that they shouldn't mention price, and then they're all, "Oh, no. No prices." David instructs the strippers to "give a lot of angles," and then demonstrates. Melissa gives Matt and Kelley the names of the strippers: "Tiger, Diana, Kauai, and Amanda." Amanda? What kind of stage name is Amanda?
Danny is in the control room and says it's time for the countdown. Kelley welcomes everyone. Matt says they will be showing off some swimsuits. They introduce Tiger, who walks like Jen from Dawson's Creek. In an interview, Kelley explains that they don't have any information, so they're making things up as they go along. As the strippers continue to come out, Matt and Kelley actually do a credible job bullshitting about the swimsuits. Kelley says that one swimsuit is her favorite because it's "fairly traditional." Matt says it's traditional until she "swings around." The bottom is a thong. Matt says that he hopes his daughter wouldn't go out in this one, if he had a daughter. For the first time since the season began, I kind of agree. No one, no matter how nice your body is, needs to be wearing a thong in public. Call me a prude, but that's how I feel. In the control room, they all crack up, and Melissa says, "Good for you, Matt." Then, David comes out. I don't think he's even wearing a swimsuit. They're just shorts. And he has his hat on crooked. And he blows kisses at the camera. Is he kidding me? In an interview, Melissa says that David is "the only male model." Remember earlier when he said there was "a good mix"? What happened to that? Matt decides to refrain from commenting on David's suit. In an interview, Matt says he wonders if "that's the world [David] has seen on TV" and if "that's the world he's trying to make his." What television show features strippers in swimsuits? Oh, Baywatch. Right. Kelley starts making up names for various muscles, and cracks me up. One stripper comes out, and Kelley comments on the zipper on her suit. This stripper has a "Diana Ross giving the concert in Central Park in the rain" hair thing going on. Kelley points out "the lights in her shoes" as we pan down to the platform shoes, and the stripper takes a big digger right in front of the camera. I don't know if we needed the cartoon "falling" sound effect, but it was still funny. Matt and Kelley manage to remain professional, but in the control room, Melissa and Danny are cracking up. Matt and Kelley wrap up the show surrounded by the women, and there's this one guy kneeling in front. Who the hell is he?
David gets a kiss from one of the strippers and then heads to the conference room for the post-mortem. Everyone applauds as he walks in, and Elton tells him that he "took something that was a big project, compromised, and made it happen," so Elton thinks David did "a good job." Elton then gives props to Matt and Kelley, "the king and queens [sic] of ad-lib." So, are they both queens? Why the plural there? Honest mistake or Freudian slip? I'm just saying.
David is driving with Matt and Julie in the Yukon. David says that his attitude that he can do anything "gets on people's nerves and pisses them off." In a confessional, David says that "no matter how extraordinarily brilliant a job" he does, he doesn't get credit. David goes on and on and on in the car. He is just babbling about how great he is. Julie says that it doesn't matter if he does a great job or a terrible job, they don't like "the arrogance that comes with that." David says that you've got to be confident. Julie says, "You can be confident and not be a jackass." Word. A shot of Matt reveals that there is a little kid in the back seat. It might be Jamie's friend from last week. Who knows? Matt and Julie say that they want to get to know David, and for him to know them. Didn't they already try this, and it didn't work? Julie says she has to devote "extraordinary amounts of energy" to talk to David for a short time. David says he's "always on the go," and they can't expect him to "stay stagnant." Julie asks if he can give her five minutes once in a while. David won't do it. Julie says, "That is why our relationship will stay where it is!" and gets out of the car and slams the door. I don't even know if they were at their destination or if she just got out in the middle of the street. David turns to Matt and says that when he talks to people, "everyone slams doors, or slams chairs." Maybe it's because you are incredibly frustrating? Take the hint!
week: Julie makes out with some guy named Jacob, and she says that pisses Matt off. The roommates have a meeting, and Jamie says it is about "why, David, you are an ass to everyone in the house." Whoa! I didn't see that one coming! I thought they had written him off. Yeah! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Over the credits, Matt and Kelley comment on another bathing suit, and then David comes out in a towel and flashes them. Just that clip makes me want to see their whole stripper show. It looks like it was pretty funny.