Natalie is negative for mold allergy, so that diagnosis is wrong. Kumar reassures Natalie that they'll figure out what's wrong with her sooner or later, and that if she doesn't want to talk about the bullying at school with her parents, there are other people she can talk to. Natalie cuts him off and says she'll be fine. Kumar notes her positive attitude, and Natalie says she's doing her homework, which cheers her up because she's "such a dork." Homework used to cheer me up, too, but that was only when it was math homework and the answers were in the back of the book. Apparently, Simon just brought it to her, which Kumar finds odd enough to page security. Yeah. Like they're going to do anything.
Apparently, PPTH's crack security squad is able to stop people. Children, but still. The new team Cuddy hired after firing everyone after the hostage crisis seems to be working out so far! They stop Simon on the way out, and Kumar confronts him. Simon says he was just bringing her homework, but Kumar doesn't think so. He says Simon wasn't being compassionate when he bullied her and supplied those drugs, so he doubts he is now. Kumar suspects that guilt is motivating Simon instead, and demands to know what Simon feels guilty for. Simon says nothing, and Kumar threatens to turn his mushrooms in to the cops and calls him a "slimy little jerk." Why haven't they turned the shrooms over already? Those kids should be in jail for drugging their classmate! Apparently they haven't even gotten suspended from school for it. Taub pulls Kumar away and accuses him of taking out his own childhood pain of being bullied out on Simon. Kumar denies being bullied as a child, but Taub is pretty sure that "the Indian foster kid whose parents were shot right in front of him" got plenty of shit. Really? I'm pretty sure kids stay away from making fun of other kids whose parents were tragically killed. Kids whose parents are morbidly obese and collect so much trash that it fills the trunk and backseat of the station wagon, perhaps. But those parents are alive and stuff. Kumar cools off and turns back to Simon. Simon says Kumar doesn't understand -- he used to be friends with Natalie until she became unpopular and he had to distance himself from her so he wouldn't be unpopular, too. By the way, Natalie used to be a big drinker, thanks to Simon using his brother's ID to buy a big supply to sell to his classmates. Simon is hooked UP, you guys. Does he really think talking to Natalie will make him unpopular when he can supply everyone with alcohol and drugs? Please. He says Natalie used to buy a couple bottles of vodka A WEEK. She only stopped buying from him when she got her own ID.
When Cuddy talks to her, Natalie denies drinking now, although she admits that she used to. Cuddy says they can't get Natalie on a transplant list until they know why her liver is failing, so she has to tell the truth. But Natalie insists that she hasn't had a drink in six months, and she didn't even drink that much back then -- she bought plenty of vodka, but didn't drink it. She only bought the vodka because Simon was selling it and they used to be friends. Buying vodka from him was the only way she could get him to talk to her. But when Cuddy asks Natalie why she stopped buying alcohol from Simon and said she got her own ID, Natalie doesn't have an answer. For this, she gets a look into the Life of Cuddy. Cuddy has always been good at school and work, but lousy at life and relationships, so she didn't think kids were for her. Until she got older and now it's too late. So ... she should have had kids before, when her ovaries were ready but she wasn't, just in case she might regret not having them later? That's a terrible plan! "How you feel now will pass. Don't let it screw up your whole life," Cuddy begs. Natalie says it's too late for that, seeing as she's dying. She kind of has a point.
House has the white coat on again, and he's giving the nice thing a second try. This time, Anna is complaining that her recent asthma diagnosis must be wrong, since the medicine they gave her for it isn't working. House is very understanding and says sometimes doctors (not patients!) make mistakes. Being nice apparently means telling people that their doctors are incompetent. He asks Anna if she's using her inhaler correctly. "Do I look like an idiot?" Anna asks indignantly. House is forced to say no. Being nice can't be worth passing up great insults like this, can it, House? He asks her to demonstrate how she uses her inhaler, and Anna sprays it on each side of her neck like it's perfume.
House couldn't resist, as the time we see Anna, she's leaving the Clinic muttering that her doctor was a jerk. Whatever, Anna. You need to accept responsibility for your incredible stupidity in not knowing the first thing about how to use a freaking inhaler. You're like sixty years old! You've never seen a fucking asthma medicine commercial? They do a cartoon cross section and everything! Cuddy updates House on Natalie's condition, saying she suspects that Natalie isn't being honest with her. House doesn't think Natalie would rather die than admit to drinking, but Cuddy says Natalie is depressed and either wants to die or wants the attention that dying gets her. If that's the case, then they should put Hadley in there to tell her off that dying isn't worth attention. Except that Hadley might kind of think that it is, so maybe not her. I know! Taub can lie that he has Huntington's again. House gives up on why Natalie is so important to Cuddy and tells her to tell Kumar to start Natalie on benzodiazepine for the seizures and/or alcohol withdrawal.
House finds Cuddy with Natalie's baby. She tells him that Natalie and Simon's parents decided to put her up for adoption. Your daughter dies, and you put her daughter up for adoption because it's "too painful?" Really, parents? That's a terrible decision. That baby is your consolation prize for losing your daughter! Come on! But it's all good for Cuddy, because now she's going score herself a kid. I have a feeling that she convinced the parents to give the baby up for adoption just like she convinced the crack heads to give it up. She somehow sensed all along that Natalie gave birth to a secret child and that's why she was so attached to her all episode. It was all her elaborate plan to finally become a mother. The bangs were somehow involved too, but I haven't figured out how. "Merry Christmas, Cuddy," House says. He leaves the room slowly and sadly. Cuddy doesn't even notice him. She only has room in her heart for one needy child. She picked the wrong one, in my opinion.
It's not over yet! Hadley finds Foreman and says she heard Janice is back on the trial. He says it's his Christmas gift to Hadley. Not to the random blonde lady. She's going to regret bringing him on as her partner. Hope you like skewed results, RBL! Hadley says she was wrong about Foreman being House. Then they make out. I saw this coming from a mile away, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Kumar and Taub have better chemistry than Foreman and Hadley do, but their names don't combine into a clever portmanteau like Foreteen.
That's it for 2008! See you year!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com. Happy holidays!