Elimination time. Or at least we're going to get the ball rolling. Ryan calls for Carly, Michael, Jason, and Syesha to stand. The first three are safe; Syesha, as expected, is not. She looks worried as hell. Ryan asks Randy and Paula if, should Syesha go home tonight, that would be the wrong choice. They both say it would. Then he asks Simon if she deserves to be Bottom 3, and of course he says she does. Ryan snottily calls this an "uncomfortable moment," like he didn't just set that all up himself. He could have very easily asked Simon the same question as Randy and Paula were asked, but he set Simon up for the mean comment instead. He can be such a twat, I swear to God. Anyway, Syesha performs, and it's the same level of good-but-unremarkable.
Here's what you should know about this season's first pimpmercial: it features Cake's "Going The Distance" and the contestants portraying political candidates. Because if this show can't be the number one thing people in this country are talking about, it's damn sure going to glom onto whatever is. Though now that I think about it, there certainly has been a lot of "Chosen One" paranoia directed at both the Clinton and Obama campaigns. And, of course, Vote For The Worst is supporting McCain because wouldn't that be hilarious??
There's a filler segment that covers how famous the contestants have gotten in such a short time, and this level of fame is represented by the fact that they all got to attend the premiere of...you know it...Horton Hears A Who. I am officially not going to see this movie now. Anyway, the Idols were not famous, but now they are! People know their names! Jim Carrey is shaking their hands! (And trying to leech off of their fame! Because The Number 23 did some bad things to his career!) Steve Carell, you'll note, waved at them all from a polite distance. Because he doesn't need this. Amanda cutely enthuses about meeting the lead singer of REO Speedwagon, which is one of the many reasons why I love her.
Back to the results! Chikezie, Amanda, Kristy Lee, and David Cook are all asked to stand. Chikezie and Amanda are safe, and Ryan then goes out of order to tell David he's safe as well. Which leaves Kristy Lee all alone, and since country don't necessarily mean dumb, she knows what's up. She asks Ryan, inaudibly to us but he repeats it, "Where's my microphone?" then starts laughing hysterically when Ryan starts fidgeting about not being able to run through his whole shtick first. That was awesome. Ryan persists in reading her stat card anyway, because otherwise his universe collapses, while Kristy indulges him and keeps on laughing. Ryan tells her she is indeed in the bottom three and asks her to sing. Then she looks at the judges and/or audience and goes, "Sorry you have to hear it again." Ha! I'm kind of loving her right now. Even after hearing this terrible, awful, ill-conceived, empty-headed performance again. The only interesting thing is watching the other Idols on the bleachers, where Michael is dancing around like a fool, Carly and Amanda totally don't care, and Ryan tries to flirt with David Cook. Oh, and guess who loves the performance? Sanjaya, is who. I can't believe that kid is still on script.
After the break, Ryan's ready to field phone calls from viewers at home. I...come on. Do I really have to? Really? This makes me feel diminished, as a human being, having to watch this, much less write about it. There's a reason we've never recapped Larry King Live, and it's not because we couldn't find a way to make fun of the suspenders. Some 12-year-old asks Jason (of course) something stupid (of course), and his answer is gibberishy and stoned and adorable (of course). Some pathetic hick asks the judges why, after auditioning seven times, he hasn't been put through to the Hollywood round, because EVEN AFTER A FULL MONTH OF AUDITION EPISODES THAT GET MORE REPETETIVE AND BORING BY THE MINUTE WE APPARENTLY NEED TO CRAM MORE AUDITION-STYLE BULLSHIT INTO THIS SHOW. NO, I WILL NOT STOP SHOUTING. Here's how the rest of this goes: question about Ryan and Simon and whether they're going to fight and/or kiss, question about Simon's hotness, question about Simon's opinion of the relative quality of Brits versus Americans. I am so glad the show decided to put the focus on the contestants this season.
: Katharine McPhee returns, with David Foster on piano, to sing "Something." Uh...? I'm sorry. I loved Katharine, I still kind of do, but this is pointless, boring filler, and she looks like she's singing in a hotel lounge on New Year's. I'm glad that American Idol has embarked upon this WPA-style endeavor to employ contestants who have lost their record deals, but enough.
Back to business: one spot left in that Bottom 3. After more Jim Carrey silliness, Ryan calls Davids A. and H., Ramiele, and Brooke to the center of the stage. Brooke, obviously and deservedly, is safe. David A., obviously and not so deservedly, is also safe. David H. vs. Ramiele is honestly a toss-up to me, but Ramiele being safe is the right call. Bring it week, short stack! Come on! Anyway, Ryan snots at a PA for not getting the mic to the stage on time (what a rag he is this week, honestly) and then David is forced to so through his stupid "I Saw Her Standing There" performance again. He's toned it down a bit, which I appreciate, but I'm not going to lie and tell you I didn't fast-forward most of it. Home stretch!
But first: a quick word about The Return of Jezebel James. Don't watch it. If you have any good feelings about Parker Posey, Lauren Ambrose, or Amy Sherman-Palladino, don't watch it. Wait for their projects. I'm sure they'll all be great. But don't look at this one. Trust me.
So: Syesha, Kristy Lee, and David H. are in the Bottom 3. Interestingly, when Ryan tells us that all three are "very nervous," David looks at the camera and kind of shakes his head, all "Nah!" It seemed more brave-face than arrogant, but still. Tempting fate and all. Paula says she's never seen "a more stronger bottom three." Man, I wish Paula would stop giving these elaborate promos for Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? Simon says this is absolutely the right Bottom 3, and he's exactly correct. Ryan gives Syesha the first reprieve, and the first person she hugs back at the couches is Ramiele, who apparently had a membership for new friends after all her old ones were so mercilessly taken from her in semifinals.
So, further: Kristy Lee and David H. And Kristy Lee is...safe. Huh. Not what I would have expected, but not shocking either. I thought KLC would be the Melissa McGhee/Lindsay Cardinale, but David makes for a decent Brandon Rogers, so there you go. He looks pretty surprised that it's him, but after a first shell-shocked half-hug he embraces Kristy warmly and congratulates her. He's already had his singout, so there's nothing left to do but answer some of Ryan's lingering inane questions. Dude, I am so sorry. Then -- THEN! -- Ryan tells us that David's Video Journey will be set to the tune of Ruben covering Kenny Loggins's "Celebrate Me Home." Sorry, "Hollywood Is Not America" guy. The Idol WPA strikes again. This is your future, seventh-season winner.