Anyway, Ryan and Simon lie to us for a while about reverse psychology (Simon doesn't use it...which I guess means he does because REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY), and then we sit through a Daughtry music video about the Idols' wonderful journey through hair and makeup. Oh, this is that commercial I saw over the weekend. Yes, with four people being kicked off the show for good, we're going to focus three-minutes of the show on an ad for the show you're now watching. In the ad, they're all standing around on a tarmac like in the "I Want It That Way" video (so distressed that I didn't even have to think to remember that), looking gorgeous and holding little Simon faces on sticks like this is maybe the strangest Pink Floyd movie yet. Archuleta looks more like an actual guy than he maybe ever will, Garrett looks like an alien in Sally Bowles's hat, Colton's hair is still an issue, Jason Castro is still unexpectedly lovely, Amy Davis is as forgettable as ever, and everybody gathers around for a group photo that seems to single out Michael Johns and only Michael Johns.
And now, fair warning, it's time for the group sing. It's a '60s medley, because there are still a few songs Nigel Lythgoe obtained the rights for during this ridiculously stupid idea for a theme week and damned if he's not going to get his money's worth. It's the usual cavalcade of anti-harmony, starting with Archuleta and Garrett, and moving on through, Robbie, Jason Castro, and the rest. The boys are all wearing black suits, and it all looks like a Broadway production of Six Feet Under: The Musical. The girls are at least dressed more like idiots, so it's marginally more interesting. While they sing, I am shocked at just how tiny Ramiele and Asia'h are. And how the former looks so much like Mikalah Gordon and the latter like the "beat these Buffys down" girl from Bring It On. Kristy Lee looks even more anonymous than usual when her hair's not all Felicity, so her mini-duet with Luke is like watching air float by. Oh. This is the "Bend me, shake me any way you want me" song. I know this. Amanda and David Cook get to put their "rocker" accents in at the end, and when they all crowd around for their freeze-frame, Kristy Lee tugs down at her skirt to make sure she's not offending Confederate Jesus. Too many people!
First elimination! It'll be a boy. After a video package, Ryan calls Garrett up to the stage alone...and tells him he's eliminated. Dude. That's cold, Seacrest. We've been so used to the systematic winnowing-down method Ryan's been partial to the last two seasons that I forgot he also takes the Band-Aid approach every so often. Garrett takes it like a champ, not entirely surprised. Danny and Jason Castro, meanwhile, are like, "Can they do that??" Ryan makes Garrett talk about being called a pale, ghostly hermit, and he still has that weird Ohio-by-way-of-Madonna's-house accent. He's incredibly gracious and nice and I still don't 100% get what he's all about, but I'm sure he'll be fine. Then he sings out with "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do," as pleasant-sounding as ever. I was thinking, yesterday, about which songs would be the most painfully apropos as singouts for tonight, and of the boys I figured it'd be Garrett singing "Don't take your love away from me," and Luke cradling his hopes and dreams in his lap to the sounds of the Midnight Cowboy song. Halfway there. Better luck at the Oscars, Briony!
1 2 3 4
Elimination #2. The girls are on the stage for this one. After last night, I predicted Amy and either Joanne or Kady. First a video recap that totally glosses over Carly being kind of crappy and Simon calling her on it -- I wish they would cut that shit out. People are already so paranoid about her, and the overselling makes her look like a total sham which I maintain she's not. So Ryan calls Kristy Lee up to the stage first, and after what happened with Garrett you can bet she's scared shitless right now. Of course, it won't be her. Ryan won't do that twice. Indeed, Kristy's safe, but Ryan then quickly tells us that Amy Davis is the one going home. Not a surprise. She gave what was clearly the worst performance. Paula's advice is to "paint that door and that knob and go for it." As true today as when it was written. Amy sings out while her family looks on. ...Does Amy Davis have two moms? That's kind of awesome, if so. You've raised a sweet girl, ladies. The whole desecrating-Connie-Francis thing notwithstanding. Ryan threatens a Paula Abdul performance before we go to commercial. I don't know if I am properly prepared for that.
So when we get back, we're taking a break from the whole purpose of the show and are instead going to pimp Paula's video for her song on Randy's album. They actually show the whole video. Dude. Jacob should be here for this. I am completely useless to you all right now. I don't even want to look at it once, much less pause every few seconds and explain what's going on. Suffice it to say, Paula's voice sounds even less like a human and more like a computer than it ever has in history, there are giant red ribbons billowing everywhere like that movie Hero, Randy's playing guitar, the drum kit has a trash can rigged up to it...it's a parody of the new Britney album, right? It's got to be. A winking commentary on "Gimmie More"? I keep waiting for Paula to take a big gulp from a Coke glass and say "It's Bacardi, bitch!" to prove me right, but it never happens. I just tried to reach Jacob for an assist but he won't stop talking about Karla Bonoff. That's not helping me, dude! I can't deal with this. This is like every J-Lo video, plus "My Humps" (the Fergie and Alanis versions), and "Shake Ya Body" put together. ...Man, you never thought it could get worse than "Shake Ya Body," did you? What does become apparent during this video is that she looks exactly the same as she did in her videos back when she actually had a career. Which means she was probably a big drunk crazy mess when the cameras were off back then too. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall at that "Rush, Rush" video shoot. Anyway, the video must have ended at some point, but I'm quite certain I died of embarrassment before that happened.
1 2 3 4
Back in the studio, Ryan tries to pull a Xanadu The Musical and hold a fan up to Paula's face to "recreate the moment," but she is no Kerry Butler and Ryan is no Cheyenne Jackson so it doesn't work. The judges futz around, and Simon says Paula "represents every color in the rainbow." Because remember the colors? ...Oh, never mind.
Elimination #3! Still the girls. Ryan calls Joanne and Amanda to the stage, then tells everybody who's still sitting on the sofa that they're safe. Well this is stupid. Obviously Amanda's not getting voted out the first week, so it's not like there's any suspense, despite the fact that Ryan kicks it to commercial in his customary style. When we come back, Amanda is safe (no kidding) and Joanne is going home. No surprises yet tonight. Both Randy and Simon say Joanne gave a performance far below her usual level, which has to sting a bit. As with most things, this elimination would go a whole lot better if Mo'Nique were around. So Joanne sings out while Ramiele bawls in the audience. Our first crier! Kady tries to compete, but she's better at impersonating Britney than fake crying.
After the break, it's the final elimination of the night. One more boy. I said Garrett and Luke on Tuesday, but honestly this could be one of about six guys right now. Ryan calls Chikezie and Colton to the stage. Ryan doesn't address the couch people at all, just calls for the lights to dim. I bet they're both safe. ...And I would be wrong. Ryan tells Colton he's going home. I thought America might have a problem with gay Elvis. Speaking of which, Danny's face is already in a situation by the time the camera cuts to him. Colton's trying to keep it together onstage but that's a losing battle. The judges have a silly bicker session about whether Colton should bother making a go out of a singing career or not. Simon, you'll be surprised, takes the con position.
Ryan calls the other three eliminates to the stage, and Garrett immediately hugs Colton. You guys! I strangely liked them! But if you look at the four of them: the two least suited to this competition and the two who were subject to that "last person into the Top 24" curse. Nothing too surprising. The video package details their Idol Journeys and makes me think very highly of all four of them. Can Mo'Nique do a show where she just says nice things about them and gives them prizes? I'd like that. Colton pulls it together for his singout while Ramiele and Kady figure since they're already crying anyway they might as well continue. Danny too. Farewell, sweet little Colton Berry. Find a musical threatre production with a good hairstylist.
1 2 3 4