Asia'h Apperson (18, Joplin, MO) is , and she looks like what Rachel True would have become if she could have just left witchcraft behind. Asia'h tells us that "two days ago," right after a phone call home, she got the news that her dad was in a car accident and died. I just...what the hell is going on here? I obviously don't have some kind of vendetta against people who have had tragedy befall them in life, but were the Idol producers trolling the obits? This is all so tacky and gross, this lead-with-your-crippling-emotional-pain path the show has gone down. Again, like with the "ringer" thing, nobody has an advantage because there are six dozen of these sad stories this season, but holy fuck is this not making the show any more interesting. Inside with the judges, Simon correctly notes Asia'h's dazzling smile, while Paula says, "I like how you came dressed." Don't we all? Asia'h name-drops her tragedy in the guise of choosing a song, which, if this really was two days ago like she says...you know, who am I to say anything to this girl, but I cannot fathom what she's even doing there. I'd be a heap on the floor for a full year. You'd have to invent a religion around me just to explain away the weirdly protracted grieving process. And yet here Asia'h is, singing "How Do I Live Without You?" and I can't tell if it's admirable or monstrous. The singing is beside the point, the show has made that perfectly clear, and I can't tell whether the thickness in her voice is a natural affectation or emotional overload, but she's officially a Good One. She cries, obviously, and she makes Paula cry, and Simon and Randy all rush to compliment her and none of this makes any sense to me.
A montage of southern princess types leads us to Brooke Helvie (18, Wellington, FL), Miss South Florida or something or other. She slightly endears herself to me by telling a dorkus story about being kicked by a cow, but that's kind of trampled by what seem to be her twin loves of brushing her hair and crying about how much Jesus wants her to win this show. She sings a Jackson 5 song and sounds vaguely Pickler-ish. Her quest to win one for pageant singers is legitimized when she gets three "yes" votes after kind of cutely hectoring the judges. And then it's hugs all around while cheap coronation music plays. I know I'm supposed to hate her, but I don't, entirely. Yet. Back inside, Simon calls her the most annoying person he's ever met and admits to hoping she couldn't sing so he wouldn't have to put her through.
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Montage O' Suck set to Fergie's "Glamorous," and naturally the joke becomes that nobody can spell G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, but, like, you can't convince me Fergie could get through that shit in the studio without a cheat sheet, so whatever. Rather than describe the usual parade of freaks, I'm just going to sing along, because it turns out I still can't resist this song. She drives through at Taco Bell, you guys. Come on. I should probably note that the montage ends with some light racism, featuring an Asian girl who sings about the "gramorous, the frossy, frossy." Which...does that make any less sense than "flossy, flossy"? I tend to argue it doesn't.
After the break, Ryan tells us that there was a lot more "attitude" this year than in the past. I think he's referring to back-talk, but let's find out: Eva Miller, for example, boasts an obnoxious attitude, talking forever about how she loves Simon, but after wailing her way through that Vanessa Carlson song and falling on her ass, Simon thinks she must be a joke audition. Once she convinces him it's not, he's like, "Shit, really?" He manages to let her down easy and gives her a hug, which still doesn't stop her from throwing a small stomping fit outside the room.
Alexandrea Lushington (16, Douglasville, GA) is with her giant entourage of family members. I tend to like the ones with giant entourages of family members. Ryan, as is his custom, makes a beeline for the great-grandmother. He's so weirdly consistent with that. Alexandrea is wearing a Boy Scout shirt, for some reason, but like, as fashion not like that lady who cried all the time on Survivor. She sings "My Funny Valentine" with a pretty voice that every once in a while succumbs to overdoing it. She's quickly swept through to Hollywood and the fam goes apeshit. Some little brother type jumps around like crazy. Ryan makes out with great-grandma. It's a scene, man.
The Montage O' Suck is rather hilariously based upon the old Clay Aiken "looks like a doofus but has a great voice" template...only minus the voice part. So in other words: freaky-looking people. You know, just to shake things up. Nerds, boys who sing like girls, and highlanders follow, then a parade of girls brought to tears by mean old Simon and not at all by their own inherent instability and inability to grasp reality. Which leads us to Nathan Hite, who is a "9th grade repeater" who we can tell only came to the show so he could tell off the judges and show us how much cooler than the show he is. I won't mention the quality of his singing ("Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven), because that's so not the point. The point is that when Simon calls it a "bedroom audition," Nathan's all, "What? Do you keep those written down on a sheet of paper or something?" The irony, of course, is that Nathan's been sitting on that little pre-scripted retort all day and isn't able to really improvise when Simon's like, "Yep, I do. Right here, dipshit." Simon totally has this kid's lunch (forcing the kid to make some desperate last-ditch boy band and homophobic remarks) and it's not even that satisfying given Nathan's disappointing lameness. I was willing to give him a shot and he came up woefully short. Enjoy being cooler than all the 9th graders who didn't have to repeat a year, kid.
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Amanda Overmyer (22, Mulberry, IN) is a nurse, a biker, and currently being crushed under the weight of her rhinestone-studded cross and other accoutrements. She seems nice, but holy shit, lady, you had us at the two-toned hair. Don't you go all McKibbin on us. She does win me over by saying that she's cool with however this turns out considering she's got a pretty good day job. She delivers this season's 700th Janis Joplin audition, and Simon immediately tells her to sing something else, and with good reason. People can't seem to sing Janis without doing an impersonation. She sings "Traveling Band" instead and the southern rock quality to her voice really shines. Not sure how much longevity she's going to have in the competition, but she's certainly good enough for Hollywood. Paula and Randy love her, in particular, though Randy's dubbing of her as "the rock 'n roll nurse" is already annoying. She's a cool girl, though, I like her.
Josiah Leming (18, Morristown, TN) ran away from home and is now living in his car. ...And I officially give up. We have now bathed ourselves in all colors of the personal tragedy rainbow. Sure. Why not? Lives in his car. And he loves it, at least until he thinks about it for three seconds and starts crying because he's living in his car. He sings a song of his own creation, called "To Run," and he's got a crazy vibrato and not at all the soulful, smooth white boy R&B quality that this show favors, but I'll tell you right now he could front about 90% of the emo bands going right now without a problem. Simon and Randy can't get over the James Blunt-ian English lilt to his voice, which Josiah credits to the fact that he listens to a bunch of Snow Patrol and Coldplay. Simon asks him to sing "Chasing Cars," and it doesn't really sound like Snow Patrol but it satisfies Simon's curiosity. Randy says he thinks he'd be a better fit in a band (true) and that he hates Americans who sound English. Paula is fascinated by him and wants to make him her science fair project. All three judges vote "yes," and it's somewhat of a gift in that he's not making the Top 24, I don't think, but good for him. Nice kid, weird voice, hopefully he can make a go of it in some arena.
Nineteen made it through from Atlanta. Tomorrow, Jacob deals with the "best" of the "rest."
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