"Five-time NBA champion, bad boy Dennis Rodman." So far, he's the only guy who's warranted two titles. And I would like to add that he's won a reality show before, and that he entertained us while doing so. "Grammy Award-winning country star Clint Black." "Gold medal Olympic figure-skating champion Scott Hamilton." "Motorcycle maven and working-class hero Jesse James." They forgot to add "Sandra Bullock's husband" -- and, really, can you be a "working-class hero" and married to her at the same time? He says he's here to represent blue-collar America, so I guess he thinks so.
The women's team: "World Series of Poker winner Annie Duke." We get a shot of her on the phone, telling someone they better get on the [bleep]ing phone with her. Classy! "LPGA golf champion Natalie Gulbis." Never heard of her. "TV host Melissa Rivers." "Playmate of the Year Brande Roderick." She has a nice set of "qualifications." I swear I'm a feminist, but you can't not make fun of her being on this show. "Television star and fashion entrepreneur Khloe Kardashian." I think "star" is stretching it. "Multiplatinum recording artist, TLC's Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins." "Deal or No Deal model Claudia Jordan." Okay, really? There were, like, 700 models on that show and no one knows who any of them are, so she is not a celebrity. "And entertainment icon Joan Rivers." We get a clip of her saying she has spent $150,000 on her face. Um, Joan? Ask for your money back, because it does not look good.
Trump's in his helicopter telling us that it doesn't matter how many awards these celebrities have, because this contest is all about fighting for what you believe in: Scott tearily says he wants to cure cancer in his lifetime. (Is that the prize if he wins? A cure for cancer? If so, I am so rooting for him!) Clint hugs someone and tells them he loves them and doesn't want anybody to go through what they went through. Joan tearily tells us how much giving "to them" would mean to her. T-Boz says she's the national spokesperson for sickle cell, and she has the disease herself. She wants to grow old, so it's personal for her. Announcer guy tells us they come to New York with new connections (Clint Black has a check from Tim McGraw), new passion and a new determination to win. Brian and Dennis get in a fight. Joan cries in the boardroom. "And all but one of them will be fired." Donald fires someone, just to start us off on a good note. Then the announcer guy tells us that "The Celebrity Apprentice starts now." What have I been weecapping so far, then? Settle in, folks: We're just getting started. "Money, money, money, money ... muh-nay!"
Annie wonders how much they have to raise to win, and the ladies think $25,000 or so. Annie says, "Oh, I can do that myself," then asks if she brings in $15,000, can she count on everyone else to bring in another $5,000 or $10,000? Khloe tells the camera how bossy and condescending Annie is, and that she's offending people. Annie's on the phone, calling someone named Tony to ask him to buy super-expensive cupcakes from her tomorrow. She tells the camera she had two objectives: 1. Make more money than anyone else on her team, so she comes out strong. 2. People see her working all the time, so no one can say she doesn't have a good work ethic. All of the other women look annoyed as she tells Tony to just come on down and make her look great.
Back at KOTU, Jesse says he'll handle vehicle decoration. Of course. Dennis is all, "He good at that." Jesse wants to shoot a picture and then get that picture to the graphic place to put on the car. Dice Clay watches quietly and then interviews that he didn't think Jesse would bring anything to the table when he first met him, but now he does, and "it's fun to see somebody kind of come to life."
Tom's on the phone in one of their SUVs, calling someone named Donny to ask for money. Dennis is on his phone, too. Tom tells the camera that he had everyone calling to get sponsors, because he knew that Joan knows everyone and will get all sorts of money. We see Dice Clay on the phone, too, so apparently Tom should have been PM. Tom tells us that he called Donny Deutsch, who he knows is in New York and has "like a billion dollars or something like that." He gets off the phone and says Donny's in.
The guys show up at their kitchen, where several chefs are waiting. They want to do just a few types of cupcakes, because they think doing a whole bunch of kinds will take a lot longer. The chefs agree, and give them all aprons and little white hats that are actually more like beanies than traditional chef's hats. Dennis eyes his apron suspiciously. Clint puts his apron on and then puts his cowboy hat back on. Dice Clay says he's not a baker, so he opts not to put the hat on. He didn't want to look stupid, because he's from Brooklyn and can't have people looking at him in that stupid hat. He says, "It's like a rule: Don't look like a jerk-off." I guess he doesn't look in the mirror regularly, then. Jesse shoots photos while they all cook, because he takes a lot of photos in his business. They'll PhotoShop him in later, I guess.
Athena arrives, and they also want really simple cupcakes: chocolate and vanilla. They had split up into teams: Four went to decorate the cake, and four are baking: Annie, Khloe, T-Boz and Natalie. The chef thinks it's "definitely possible" that they can make 1,000 cupcakes, which is their goal. They start cooking, after the chef tells them how important accuracy in their measurements is. Khloe says it was insane to bake 400 cupcakes in a batch, and that there's no reason anyone should ever do that. [Aside from, you know, people with jobs that somehow involve baking. Does she know that she's competing for a job? Does she know what a job is? - Z]
Brande, Joan, Melissa and Claudia find the truck they're supposed to decorate. They take photos and measurements, and then ask the guy with the truck a lot of questions. Joan wants the truck to have bubbles coming out of it, and for them all to have cute little matching aprons. She says that, as project manager, she believes in overkill. And I think that carries over to when she is not project manager.
Brian and Jesse go see a graphic designer to talk about decorating the truck. Jesse thinks they can go super-slick with this, but he actually thinks cheesy is the way to go. He wants to put people in order of importance, and that Dennis Rodman's the biggest name. He says his design will look like "Celebrity Cupcake Star Galactica." [I would totally watch that show. - Z] Brian just sits there and watches. He tells us his role in the designing was to do whatever Jesse needed him to do, and that that will keep him out of harm's way, because there won't be a target on him.
The women are with a graphic designer, who has a big pink cupcake on his screen. Joan asks him if he's Jewish, and when he says he's not, she tells him she'll have to explain to him, then, that "Jews like a lot of crap," so to please make it very tacky with big letters and stars all over the place. Melissa wants the price not to be listed, and that it should just say that all proceeds go to charity. Brande interviews that Joan's doing a good job as PM, but that it sort of seems like Melissa is PM, because she's calling the shots and Joan's letting her. Which means, Brande, that Joan's not doing a good job as PM. Lots of shots of Melissa telling the graphic designer what to do as Brande and Claudia look pretty and roll their eyes.
The men are starting to crack eggs in the kitchen, and Herschel can't believe they have to use 105 of them. Silly instrumental music plays as they start cooking -- everyone but Dice Clay, who is wearing a hat now, but just stands there drinking bottled water. Scott says how precise everything was, and Clint says it was labor-intensive and they could have used a little more help. We get a shot of Dice clay sitting in a chair talking on his cell phone. He's holding what looks sort of like a rolling pin, though, so maybe that counts. He goes back in the kitchen and asks Herschel if he can go to Sirius radio to do two shows to drum up business for tomorrow. He wants to go now, though, and Tom's like, "You don't want to stay here and make some cupcakes?" Dice Clay just says, "No." Tom tells him he should stay and make cupcakes with his team, but Dice Clay says he wants to win. Tom resigns. Herschel tells Clint that Dice Clay wants to go to Sirius, adding that he's not doing anything anyway. Tom tells the camera that Dice Clay's a great comedian, but he doesn't realize that when Herschel and Clint tell him to go ahead to Sirius, they're trying to throw him under the bus. I disagree strongly with only the part where he compliments Dice Clay as a comedian. Dice Clay leaves, explaining that his job is to make sure that as many people as possible are there tomorrow morning. Oh, and Dennis goes with him, but nobody makes a big deal about that. Dice Clay tells Dennis he feels he can do better on Sirius than in the kitchen, and Dennis agrees and tells Dice Clay he put in no effort. Dice Clay admits he hates making cupcakes, and Dennis says that's all he wanted him to say. Dice Clay and Dennis Rodman: The new Odd Couple?
The women are making beautiful cupcakes, according to Annie. And they really are, since I don't even like cupcakes and I'm finding myself wanting one. [What? Who doesn't like cupcakes? - Z] The chef is very impressed with their finished cupcakes. They make vanilla with chocolate frosting and chocolate chips on top, which sounds and looks amazing. And a whole bunch of other pretty sprinkles and toppings. But then they check their chocolate cupcakes, which didn't rise like the other ones. The chef thinks Natalie, who mixed the chocolate cupcakes, used baking soda instead of powder, or the wrong flour or something. They just keep making vanilla instead of letting the failed chocolate get them down. They call the decorating crew and tell them what happened, so the decorators go help bake.
Clint, Herschel, Scott and Tom continue to bake up a storm, when Jesse and Brian return. Jesse says the team has separated into two tribes: Dennis and Dice Clay (whom he describes as "Paris and Nicole," which only furthers my Odd Couple comment, no?), and the rest of them. Poor Dennis should not have gone with Dice Clay. It's totally turning him into the enemy. Jesse says everyone here is willing to work, and those guys have already left. Clint tastes a chocolate cupcake, which is apparently terrible. The chef tastes them, too, and agrees. Apparently, they forgot to put sugar in, which means Herschel dropped the ball. The chef doesn't think they can make all new batches, so she suggests brushing them with sweet syrup. Jesse says they taste like ass, and Tom says adding syrup is like putting "perfume on a turd." Jesse tastes them, and they're still not sweet enough, so they keep adding more sugar.
Brande's looking at Athena's mangled chocolate cupcakes and making fun of Annie, because she apparently said she's a good baker. Annie says, completely condescendingly, "I didn't make those ones, sweetie. I made the vanilla." Natalie looks sheepish as she stands to the side watching. The chef tastes the chocolate and says they taste good, nice and fudgy. They can just add ganache and frosting, and chocolate lovers will love them. Annie tells Claudia she's going to tell her how to frost a cupcake, and Claudia says she knows how, actually, but Annie tells her how anyway ("You put frosting on a knife and spread it," basically). Claudia tells her that seems self-explanatory and looks knowingly at the camera. Then she interviews that she admires strength in women, but Annie talks way too much. She acknowledges she does have valid points and good ideas, but will not shut up. We get a montage of Annie barking orders at everyone. Brande says to Joan, "Fun stuff, huh? You thought you were project manager." Joan interviews that Annie did a great job getting things done, just like Mussolini did. Annie continues to shout as everyone else looks annoyed.
The women continue to sell cupcakes, but they're all selling for $5 or $10, which is a lot for a cupcake, but not a lot for a celebrity cupcake, it seems. Luckily, Claudia forced her friend, Eric Benet, to come and buy a cupcake. He buys two cupcakes at $250 each. Khloe got her friends from the Today show to come down and attract people. Annie's poker friends come down and buy all sorts of $1,000, $5,000, and $10,000 cupcakes. Annie tells us how generous poker players are, and Joan gives Annie props, in a deep, tough voice (her imitation of a poker player, I guess, though plenty of them were women who didn't have deep voices at all).
Trump asks someone to get him Herschel and Joan, please. They're all on speakerphone, apparently. Joan calls Trump "sweetheart." Trump tells them he's sending a car for each of them, and that someone from their team should take their best cupcake to Crumbs Bakeshop, where the owner will taste them both and declare a winner. The prize: $15,000. Melissa searches for the best cupcake for her mom, and she compares choosing the best cupcake to Sophie's Choice. Only, you know, yummier. Melissa ends up choosing one of the "bombs" -- the chocolate cupcakes that didn't turn out, but end up being delicious and fudgy. She says she found a "perfect bomb." Herschel puts Dice Clay in charge of choosing the cupcake and lets him go (again throwing him under the bus, obviously, since they have to assume the women will be better bakers).
At Crumbs, the owners introduce themselves. Melissa's cupcake is in a cute box, while Dice Clay is carrying his. He lets her go first. She explains that they had a hard time choosing, but went with what they're calling the "chocolate bomb." Dice Clay says they wanted to go with an old-school cupcake that everyone would like: chocolate frosting on yellow cake, "with some sprinkles to keep it company." The owner tastes both and says she'll let Trump know which one she'll like better. In the car, Dice Clay predicts they win because he saw the owner's eyes light up when she tried his cupcake and not Melissa's. Meanwhile, back at Athena, Annie wants to be sure that Melissa used the vanilla cupcakes with chocolate chips, but Melissa tells her she chose the bomb. Annie says the chef was very clear that the vanilla/chocolate chips were the best, and she can't believe Melissa would have taken "ruined cupcakes." Melissa's sort of apologetic, and you can tell she feels bad, but she says she wasn't in the room when the chef said that (neither were the cameras, I guess, because we didn't see that either), and no one told her. She's afraid this will be used against her in the boardroom.
The women start trying to sell like crazy, but no longer for $5, and Annie starts rationing cupcakes. Brande gets some "big spenders" who want to buy all the cupcakes in the truck, but Annie won't let them. So, they want at least a lot. Annie starts to give Brande a tray, but then asks how much they're paying for this tray. Brande says she doesn't know yet, so Annie doesn't let her have them, saying they will run out of cupcakes. Brande storms off, and says she's not an idiot. She then interviews about how rude and condescending and out-of-control Annie was being to her big customers. Annie starts screaming at Joan about Brande not even knowing how much they're paying. Brande apologizes sweetly to the men, and then goes back to the trailer and says the men want to pay $9,000, so Annie relents and gives up the tray of cupcakes. Melissa says what we all think: If someone's giving $9,000, he can take 24 freaking cupcakes if he wants to. Brande gives them the cupcakes in exchange for the money. Joan comes out to thank them. With 15 minutes left, they run out of cupcakes, and Annie's pissed that Brande would sell a whole flat of 24 cupcakes for only $9,000. That's right, ladies and gentlemen: She's completely crazy.
Annie and Brande argue. Brande thinks since some cupcakes were being sold for $1 or $5, that $9,000 for 24 is pretty good. Annie says that that's not even it; it's that when she asked Brande how much, she said, "I don't know." Um, how is that even relevant anymore? She said that, so Annie took them away from her, so she found out it was $9,000 and Annie gave them back. If anything, she should be mad at Annie for that. Annie didn't give her anything when she said she didn't know, so how can she bring this up? Wait, I know: Because she's crazy and just looking for a reason to be mad, when the real reason is that Brande is both prettier and smarter than she is and so Annie hates her. Brande tells Annie she's not listening to herself, because she's sure not making sense -- and that she was rude to the customers. I love Brande. When did this happen?
With ten minutes to go, Scott's friend Doug Wilson shows up. Brian sells a $1,000 cupcake. Tom sells a $5,000. They sell some for $7,200. Herschel thinks they're going to win. Dice Clay sells two for $1,000. Someone buys one for $4,000. They start selling at two for $20 instead of $20. Tom is on the phone with Donny Deutsch, with two minutes to go. They drop their price to $5. Donny Deutsch's rep shows up with a check for $10,000, and Tom plugs his show on CNBC. Herschel understands how important it is to work as a team, and he doesn't want to lose.
The teams enter the boardroom with the Trump Trifecta. Joan tells Trump her team was extraordinary, and when Trump asks who the star of the team was, Joan says, "Brande." Brande says, "Wow, thank you," in a truly humble way. Annie looks mad, but can you imagine how not humble she would have been? I actually worried for a split second that Joan would say her. Trump asks Brande what she did to be a star, and she says she called a lot of people. Trump asks Joan if Brande brought in a lot of money, and Joan says she did, but she was also just there and glad to work anytime someone was needed to do something. Annie continues to look angry. Trump asks Claudia who's the weakest member of the women's team, and Claudia says that, as far as personality, it's Annie, who overtook Joan's role as leader. To Claudia's immense credit, she looks at Annie and says, "This is hard to do." Annie explains that she's not going to pussy-foot around, and Joan wasn't in the kitchen, so she took over. Claudia tells her she needs to respect her team, and not tell a grown woman how to frost a cupcake. Annie says the chef told her how to do it. And then Trump sticks up for Annie, saying she takes money from men killers. He knows many men who have lost big to Annie. He asks her if she thinks she's tough. She does, and she won't be apologetic about it.
Trump turns to Herschel, who says his team was great. When asked who is the weak link, instead of throwing Dice Clay under the bus, he says he doesn't think they have one. But Dice Clay interjects, so Herschel says he must be the weak link. Dice Clay says he doesn't believe in baking, so he had to create a job for himself and had to become almost like the court jester. Herschel says Dice Clay's not a worker, but more of a court jester. Trump thinks that's a knock, but Herschel says it's not. Dice Clay says he's a comic, who makes people laugh. He says he's entertaining, and then he impersonates John Travolta and Sylvester Stallone having sex (not with each other, but each having sex with someone). I'm not even kidding. He tells Trump he can't even do that, and he's "Donnie Trump." Trump looks at him silently and then says, "Dennis," moving along to tell Dennis what a great celebrity is, because of his look and height. He asks if Dennis is the most recognizable of the group and if they used him in that capacity. Herschel says they wanted to, but he wouldn't get out of the van and work. Then Herschel says he's from the old-school, and some people need a spanking, like Dennis. Dennis thinks they won. Trump says it's time to find out.