By Joe R
The show starts early so I don't get to see Ryan's ramp-up to "This...is American Idol," but I'll assume that in the pan across the final six saw everybody shitting a brick except Castro and possibly David Cook. Cue the still-off-putting credits!
Ryan introduces the judges, giving Paula a kiss on the cheek as he passes. Then he gives Simon a peck on the top of the head, at which point Simon double-takes so hard he time-traveled all the way back to vaudeville. Ryan is actually the cooler of the two, basically telling Simon to relax and watch the Top 6 perform the ghastly "All I Ask Of You" with the ghastly Andrew Lloyd Webber. On a week when many, many dumb decisions were made -- starting with the fact that it's ALW week in the first place and not a broader, better musical theatre theme -- the decision to perform this song as the group number might be the dumbest. Every week we've seen the contestants try to forcibly mingle their voices around songs that were clearly not meant to be sung by large, unwieldy groups of people. Now what genre of music could possibly accommodate six people singing the same song? Hmmm. And yet! They picked a song from that genre that is so clearly meant for a duet, it practically says, "I am singing this song to you, one person, and only you." There's a song in Phantom (uh...sorry, Jacob) called "The Point of No Return" that's basically everybody taking turns being all intense and up in everybody else's face and pairing off and peering over candelabras and being that ALW brand over hyper-dramatic and it would have been eight kinds of fucked up and awesome to see here, but alas. Abigal Breslin seems to enjoy this performance well enough as it is.
After the break, Ryan kicks it to the recap of last night's largely underwhelming show. Syesha being less the stand-up diva than she always is. Randy said: "Best performance to date!" Randy did not say: "Michelle Pfeiffer done did that slinking-off-the-piano bit already, dude." David A. was successful in turning "Think Of Me" into a Brian McKnight song, but Simon was less than appreciative. Jason committed war crimes against Betty Buckley with his rendition of "Memory," though I couldn't see it as any better or worse than his other performances, and on a night like last night that meant he was in the top three at least. Simon said it made him think of yet another ghastly wedding, making me ask the question (and perhaps not for the first time): what the hell happened to Simon Cowell as a child at a wedding that's made him this way? Brooke infamously started and stopped (get ready to hear about this a billion more times tonight), and Paula made a big deal out of it, but Simon thought it was her only option, and all of it distracted from the fact that the rest of the song was boring/crappy. Carly gave her best performance of the season on "Jesus Christ Superstar," though Randy Jackson failed to apologize to her for leading her astray all season. And then there was David Cook, stinking up the joint doing a poor-man's Michael Crawford routine so bad I'm surprised I didn't have to recap it. I still love him, but holy shit did I not enjoy that one bit.
Wow, you guys, Hancock looks so shitty, I almost can't believe it.
After the break, it looks like it's time for the show to apologize for six straight seasons of Simon Cowell shitting on musical theatre by taking a trip to the Great White Way and showing you where the highest concentration of American Idol alums in ten square blocks exists right now. We're told that Diana DeGarmo did Hairspray and both Fantasia and LaKisha had a spin with The Color Purple. We actually get to talk to Tamyra Gray, who is starring in Rent. I actually went to see Rent over the summer while I was in the city looking at apartments, but we got the understudy rather than Tamyra. I have to say, though, that understudy kicked ASS. Also, since we're making this all about me, the song they're playing in the background, the Goo Goo Dolls' "Broadway," is actually referring not to the actual, famous Broadway, but to the Broadway in Buffalo. Represent. Anyway, after Tamyra, we meet up with Clay Aiken at Spamalot!, and...how to say this delicately...the idea that Clay Aiken appears to be a lady isn't a novel observation. The idea that he looks like if Tilda Swinton was playing an aging librarian might be, though. Dude just looks tired and bloated and sick. It's clear that Tamyra gets a lot out of performing, as she talks about how fun it is to lose herself in the role of Mimi every week. It's clear that Clay is...using this opportunity to promote his album that drops in two weeks. Which is perfectly legitimate too. And hey! LaKisha is in the audience! I hope she's doing well.
is is Simon's X-Factor protégée Leona Lewis, performing that song of hers that's on VH1 six times an hour. This is one of those songs that I objectively don't like and hate myself when I find myself singing along to it while I type. My favorite thing about it, though, is how much I'm able to fast-forward through it. If I had a real TiVo it would sound like this: bleep-bloop!
...Wait, why is there fire? Leona Lewis is not the WWE champion. What's going on here? Whatever: commercial!
Or wait! No commercial, we just shuffle Leona off the stage and bring out Syesha and Brooke. They're both pretty calm about things -- I don't know what it is, but this week everybody seems totally at peace about their place in the competition right now. It's like Kristy Lee imparted some of her resigned essence onto the rest of them. It's good to see. So Syesha was universally praised and Brooke stopped and started LIKE, WE KNOW. She stands by it, to her credit, saying if she had it to do over again, she wouldn't have fucked up in the first place. Ryan also asks her about her uncharacteristically tight-lipped performance at judging yesterday, and she's like, "Yeah, I noticed I interrupt them a lot," which means "Yeah, somebody told me to stop doing that because it was making people hate me." Anyway, weirdly enough (unless you've watched the show before), Brooke is safe and Syesha is not. The body language is fun to try and interpret, because Brooke's very intently making the I Am Shocked face, while Syesha is making something like a No That Bitch Didn't face, and when they hug, Syesha very plainly tells her to stop apologizing and get her ass to the couch. It probably wasn't that contentious out of my head, but still.
So Carly and Syesha hug for a billion years, and Carly's video journey just underlines what a relief it is to see her meet her elimination with such relative stoicism. Seriously, if the pre-voting rounds were any indication, you'd have expected her to pass out if she ever got eliminated. I liked Carly, even when she was bad, and I felt for her, particularly when she became such a punching bag for the various outrages that this show's followers must engage in on a constant basis. It is beyond gratifying to see her take her ouster like a total champ. Ryan even lets her and Simon have their last moment of contentious appreciation. Simon apologizes for giving her the kiss of death last night (heh), but says she went out on a high note. She sure did. Now it's back to your tattoo-faced husband while the rest of us try and deal with a whole lotta Neil Diamond week. I kind of can't wait.