Previously on The Real World: Kelley said her feeling about romance are open; Melissa thought Jamie is "unobtainable" and Julie admitted that when she met Matt, she thought he'd be the one she'd get together with. Who asked you, Julie? Just shut up.
Multiple shots of freeway traffic. Yes sir, that New Orleans sure is beautiful and exotic! It appears to be either early morning or dusk and Kelley and Jamie are sitting on the porch discussing relationships. Jamie wants to know if Kelley is a "relationship person." She's not; she has problems staying with any one person for very long. Then she does admit she's getting to the point where she's ready to change that pattern. She tosses the same question back to Jamie, who in his adenoidal voice claims to be "adverse to marriage and long-term, single-person relationships kind of thing." While he's saying this, he makes the strangest gesture of pushing hair he doesn't have behind either ear. In an interview Jamie says that Kelley is beautiful and he's attracted to her. His voice-over continues over a shot of Jamie and Kelley playing chess (as if!), and he ventures that perhaps Kelley is attracted to him as well. Back on the porch, Jamie is continuing to wallow in his black-and-white approach toward the opposite sex. He explains there are two types of women: the ones you don't know or don't want you, and the ones who want to be married to you. That would actually be three types of women Jamie, but more importantly I find it extremely hard to believe that you have a problem with so many women dying to marry you. Jamie wishes women could understand there's a whole world between the extremes; he wants to meet someone who just wants to hook up once in a while. What a prince. How old is this loser anyway? During this explanation of the World of Jamie, Kelley stares at him, almost motionless, with her hands clutched near her face. She's thinking, "Oh god, another 'playa.' Spare me immature men trying to justify their inability to view women as useful for anything other than sex." Or maybe that was just me. Jamie concludes that if he "met the woman that rocks [his] world, [he'd] totally be singing off a different sheet of music." Kelley gives him a look that screams, "What? You moron." Or maybe I'm projecting?
Melissa and Jamie are working at a bank of equipment, perhaps at the television station. In an interview, Melissa, who appears to be wearing one of those brown things your barber wraps around you to keep the hair out of your shirt, says she's attracted to Jamie. This guy must have something that doesn't translate to the camera because I'm not getting it AT ALL. Melissa and Jamie banter a little about his past girlfriends. In an interview or confessional -- I'm not sure which -- Jamie explains that last summer he started a website for extreme sports, except he says it much more pretentiously. Stupid Jamie's stupid website always crashes my browser, so excuse me if I don't faint with excitement over his web skills. ["It didn't crash my browser, but I agree that it sucks ass; first of all, it plays that annoying music, and the 'music on/off' link doesn't work. Second, clicking on any of the top nav link to 'about us' just opens an identical window. Third, it's really choppy -- and I have an ADSL connection. Fourth, for an e-commerce site, it's really hard to navigate. Fifth...uh, I digress. But I'm sure that Kim, who is a UI expert, would have plenty more complaints about the site, so it's fortunate for her that she was on vacation this week!" -- Wing Chun] Back with Melissa, Jamie tells her he doesn't have time for a commitment. Not enough hours in the day for poor old busy Jamie. That and the fact that he can't relate to women as anything other than sperm receptacles.
Melissa enters the house clutching her head and squealing because apparently she got her hair cut short. It was pretty short before, so a big whatever and I'll move on.
Julie, Melissa and Kelley get their makeup done. White powdered faces, scary lips and false eyelashes. Melissa has a black wig, Julie a blonde one and Kelley is pretty in a red wig. Look, I don't even know where to start with the "performance." The guy Anthony doesn't seem to be wearing any drag, so I'm not sure where that label came from. And Melissa, Julie and Kelley are dressed in Chinese-style pajamas with big fans, and on stage they bow and simper. I'm feeling this whole performance is not in the best of taste but I'm not Asian so I'm just going to leave it. Danny, Matt and Peter are in the audience and Peter is not cute at all. He also looks about thirty-seven years old. Melissa talks about her difficulty in acting submissive on stage and Julie says this is all beautiful art and not disgusting. Thanks for that, Julie. Tacky, yes, possibly racist, yes, but not disgusting. After the performance, Matt and Julie hug and Matt has the most disturbing gaping smile on his face. Danny and Kelley gossip about how Jamie was seen making out with a girl on the street and in the bathroom of the club. Jamie tucks his non-existent hair behind his ears again. Kelley, not looking pretty anymore and actually closely resembling Wynnona Judd, tells the gang that Peter will be giving her a ride home. They walk arm in arm and Kelley's voice-over talks about how much she likes Peter and how great he is.
The morning Julie and Danny discuss the fact that Kelley didn't return to the house the night before. Danny calls Kelley a "little hoochie mama," and is wearing the damn gray sweater as usual. Kelley calls to let the house know she's doing okay and talks to Melissa. Later Kelley arrives at the house and she and Melissa discuss how Peter is too good to be true. Kelley notes that he has a cute house with a clean bathroom and Melissa laughs that something has to be wrong with him. In an interview Kelley admits that the catch with Peter is that he has a girlfriend. Well, that's a big one Kelley, but hey, don't let it stand in way of getting what you want. Bitch. Apparently the girlfriend is long distance so that makes it okay in Kelley's Little Book of Stealing Boyfriends.
In the kitchen Kelley and Melissa tease Jamie about his make-out sessions of the night before. Jamie puts on his headphones and sings a little song about how he's not listening to them. I wish I could afford myself the same luxury. In an interview, Jamie re-states what we just saw: Melissa and Kelley give him a hard time about other women. We then see the strangest clip: Jamie is wearing the same shirt and sunglasses on his head as before, but he's lost the earphones and gained a bunch of beads. Kelley is wearing a different outfit but Melissa (if she's even really there) is wearing the same thing as before. Kelley grills Jamie as to whether he'd kiss someone who lives in the house. He weasels around and does say he'd be open to a relationship with depth but that he's never had that in the past because he didn't want it. You know, I could make a million jokes here about anvils and sledgehammers and having the University of Arizona marching band spell out "WE GOT IT" while playing "Bear Down, Arizona" on my front lawn, but my head hurts too much so I'll just let you fill in the blanks yourselves. Please, please let this be over soon. Suddenly Julie is in the kitchen, too. She asks Kelley if she had sex with Peter and Kelley gets all offended and wants to know if Julie thinks she's a whore. Well, Kelley, she didn't ask you if you took money for it, so I guess not. Julie seems like she's going to ask if Kelley will sleep with Peter but instead she leaves the kitchen. Kelley gives an interview saying she cut Julie slack for the question, but I think she's a hypocrite and wouldn't even have been offended if Jamie or Melissa had asked her instead of Julie. We then see Kelley telling Julie it was a stupid question and Julie semi-apologizing for asking it the way she did.