David and Kelley are sitting outside talking. David says that Kelley travels a lot. He is stirring his drink with a knife for some reason. Kelley says she needs "constant stimulation," and asks if David likes to go out. David says he does, but he doesn't drink, and dancing is his "high." In an interview, David says when he goes out, he's looking for "fine" and "cute" women, because "that's how a playa operates." I'm already tired of his playa schtick. It's played out, yo. David confesses that he wants to strip in a club at some point. Kelley doesn't believe it. David says he only wants to do it once because he's "worked so hard" on his body, and he's proud of it. In the background, you can see Julie on the phone, probably calling her florist to order the flowers for her wedding to Matt.
Danny asks Melissa if she's ever been to New Orleans, and as they arrive at the house, they're all, "Hey, this house sucks! It's so small and crappy!" Of course, they're not. They're all, "Woo! This house rocks!" Danny says that the house looks like Tara and Melissa says, "Who's Tara?" Shout-out? Probably not. And by the way, look at the brains on Melissa! Danny explains he was referring to the plantation from Gone With the Wind. They run up to the house, and Melissa practically shoves Danny over in her rush to get to the door first. In a voice-over, Melissa says she was expecting a butler to answer the door. Anyway, as they walk up to the door, they debate over whether they should knock. Danny decides to just walk in, and everyone hugs everyone else. I must be a huge prude, because I'm really not comfortable hugging people I just met. Clearly, these folks don't have that problem. In an interview, Melissa says her first impression of David is that his "muscles are way too big." Girl, I feel you. Everyone starts giving their bio, and Melissa yells for everyone to take turns because she wants to hear everything. Oh, I get it. It's all about her. They look around the house, and we get about the fifth boom mike sighting of the episode thus far. I haven't been mentioning them because there are so many, it would really interrupt the flow of the recap. Anyway, Melissa is so excited about the house that she has to grab someone's butt. Matt is the closest, so she grabs away. Now, if their genders were reversed, someone probably would have filed charges. I'm just saying. Matt says, in the flattest monotone possible, "She grabbed my butt," but he actually manages some inflection when he follows it up with, "She's all up in my seam." Danny warns them that Melissa is "freaky." Someone mentions the robot dog (but doesn't mention the robot part) and Melissa says they can't have a dog because she "does not like animals." Wow, she just went down like ten notches in my book. Plus, she did that hair pat thing again. What is she, Mae West? Melissa says she wishes the last roommate would arrive so they could pick their bedrooms.
They all decide to go out on the town. In an interview, Matt says, "It's New Orleans. Where do you go? Bourbon Street." I would agree, except I would insert the words "anywhere but" in front of "Bourbon Street." Melissa says she's "out of control" with "four beautiful boys." Shut up, Melissa! God! You like boys. We get it. Then Melissa screeches that she "needs to be in a manwich" and the boys actually oblige her by closing in around her. They all dance. Jamie is the worst dancer I have ever seen. In an interview, Kelley hopes they can "get down and dirty and see what happens." Jamie and Kelley are walking along and singing to each other, and at one point it looks as if they are about to smooch, but they don't. In a confessional, Julie says she doesn't "need this temptation right now." For all we know, she was talking about a chocolate bar.
Melissa and Danny are looking at pictures in Danny's room. This could be before they went out, after they went out, or any time, really. I'm so confused. Danny points out some "good friends" in the pictures and Melissa asks him what he means by "good friends." She's particularly interested in a picture of Danny and some guy hugging each other in their underwear on the beach. I'm interested in where the hell that picture was taken! What beach has pretty boys in underwear cavorting around? I'd like to book my vacation there, please. Danny asks her if she's "putting two and two together" yet. Melissa says she is, but she doesn't know why "that" would be a secret. In an interview, Danny says he very recently came out to his parents, and the minute he told them, he felt "alive for the first time." Melissa tells him he gives off an "attracted to girls" vibe. Danny says he is attracted to girls, but it's not as intense as his feelings for guys. Melissa asks if that means he's "bi" and Danny doesn't think so. In a confessional, Danny says he met a guy named Paul and he's never felt this way before. Melissa asks if Paul will come visit, and Danny says he doesn't know. Melissa asks why not, and Danny tells her to look at a picture on the wall. Could he just answer a question instead of being Mr. Mystery all the time? I'll cut him some slack because he's so cute, but just a little. Melissa realizes that the guy in the picture, Paul, is in the military. She tells Danny that being gay isn't a secret, "A secret is like: 'I have one nut' or something." I knew a guy in college who had one nut, and every time he got drunk (which was fairly often), he would drop trou and show everyone in the bar. So, I guess that's not really a secret either. In an interview, Danny says he has to be very careful what he reveals about Paul, because it could ruin his career and his life, because Paul's family doesn't know he's gay.
Julie asks David if he thinks he's a "player," and points out a bumper sticker he owns that says, "Move out of the way or you're gonna get played." David says he has experience, and experience is the key to life, so he's living life. Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about either. Julie asks him about his first impression of her. David says he thought she was "fresh like a snowflake" and David felt like he would corrupt her. In a confessional, Julie says that she has a connection with David, and they're "meshed" and she can see into him and he can see into her. What? Where did that come from? David compares himself to dirty, slushy snow, and Julie says, "Yellow snow?" Once again, Matt is in the room for this conversation, even though he hasn't said a word, and you didn't even see that he was there until the end. Dude, he's creeping me out. He's everywhere! David asks if Julie could ever see herself with a person like him. Julie says she doesn't know and giggles. David needs to tone it down about ten notches.
David hums along with a tape recorder, and informs us in a voice-over that he is "writing a song" for Julie based on one of her guitar parts. Oh my God. You know before, when I said that Jamie's jig was the funniest part of the episode? I lied. This is. David is making these strained faces while he sings, like he's trying to push out a bowel movement, and it is so hysterical. He's so deadly serious about the whole thing. Anyway, he is clearly infatuated with Julie. He says some other stuff in this scene, between songs, but that's what it boils down to.
Matt and Julie are playing pool and he mentions that he might fly a friend named Tammy down. Julie asks who Tammy is, and Matt says she's a former girlfriend. In an interview, Matt says he can't tell when girls are interested in him. Julie says she thought about flying John down, obviously trying to make Matt jealous. In an interview, Julie says she would like to find someone to love, or even a good friend. Julie tells Matt she's planning on marrying a guy who is her best friend, and they will have known each other forever, and it'll be right. Then she waits until Matt turns his back and mouths, "You!" and points at him, and then writes "I heart Matt" with pool chalk on the table. Matt doesn't get it.
Julie is on the phone with her friend, "Tifani." She says Matt "drives her crazy" because he's "so perfect." See, I'm still not feeling it. Tifani surmises that Matt always has the right words to say and always looks good. Are we all talking about the same Matt here? The breakdancer? In an interview, Julie says she thinks Matt is "awesome" and a "wonderful person." Then she calls her mom to tell her to book a reception hall for her upcoming nuptials to Matt.
This season on the Real World, Melissa says everyone wants to hook up with everybody. Melissa strips. The group has to put on a cable-access television show. Julie tells David that television is the only exposure she's had to "the colored race." Julie cries some more. Julie's father comes to visit and yells at her. Melissa gets mad and throw a chair while yelling, "Time the fuck out!" They do some daring things, like bungee jump, and go to Mardi Gras.
Over the credits, Melissa talks to Julie about how funny it would be if she and Matt, the two virgins, tried to have sex. Melissa compares it to a porno film, but it would be like the blooper reel of the porno film, because they would be fumbling around.