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Lemon develops a new philosophy: Lizbianism. In short, she decides to spend as much time focusing on her personal life as the show. Alas, a plastic bag in the tree outside her apartment window keeps her from realizing her own fabulousness because it reminds her of the flaws of her own mortality. Even after getting Tased while cutting the bag down, Lemon is convinced she has mastered her own destiny. That is, until a delivery boy runs into her and sends a swirl of bags up into the tree outside her window. Lemon is once again forced to face her own mortality.
Jack realizes raising Liddy is actually easier without Avery, especially when the fringe benefits include Skype sex with a Reagan mask. Then Avery is abducted in North Korea. Jack blames himself and is chagrined to turn to his former lover Condoleezza Rice for help. He also turns to Tracy, who naturally starred in a film with Kim Jong-Il back in the day. Both of these paths to Avery's freedom fail, and shortly thereafter Avery makes statements indicating she's been brainwashed against capitalism. Jack fears he'll never get his baby mama back.
Tracy returns to find that the world continued spinning even when he was gone. He learns of an inside joke between Kenneth, Grizz, and Dot Com and insists on recreating the exact circumstances of the joke so that he can once again make himself the center of attention. When that doesn't work, he grows desperate... until Kenneth admits they only developed the inside joke because they were so heartbroken he was gone. Tracy's ego is fed once more, and all is right with the world.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Jack and his nanny sing little Liddy a quaint island lullaby: "Hush little baby, tomorrow you shuck the cane. Your little fingers bloody, prepare to be whipped." Liddy peacefully drifts off to sleep as Avery calls in on Skype. She insists on waking up Liddy so she can have some mommy time, but Jack says their pediatrician Dr. Kevorkian insists on putting her down. He catches himself and realizes what an unfortunate name and word juxtaposition that was. Jack tells her to call back before Liddy's Babynomics class the day at 11 AM, but Avery screams out and wakes the baby anyway.
Lemon's apartment. Jenna "supervises" as Lemon cleans up the mess Tracy left in the top floor of her apartment. She picks up a blue bottle of soda and wonders why there are so many like it there. Jenna tells Lemon it's Tracy's urine. Says Lemon, "He is not well!" She insists that someday her apartment is going to be an amazing duplex like on Diff'rent Strokes. She starts going through boxes of stuff that she's let fall to the wayside, including a Spanish course, the start of her novel (featuring the line "Liz stabbed Jenna repeatedly"), and a copy of The Secret that Jenna gave to her. Jenna thinks visualization is key to achieving your dreams, but Lemon thinks it's more about taking control, like she did to get Tracy back on the show. Jenna says that if Lemon's so in control, why is her personal life a mess? To wit, she points to a sticky note on Lemon's sweatshirt that reads, "DO NOT wear again without washing!!!" Lemon admits Jenna's right and vows to put as much effort into her personal life as she does into work. Credits.
Lemon marches into Jack's office to tell him about her new life philosophy: Lizbianism. She announces that her new philosophy maker her "a dyke... against the rising waters of mediocrity." She shows him tile samples she's going to use to redo her bathroom... then the world! Jack congratulates her for talking like a winner and ceremoniously gives him one of her neckties. As he ties it, he quotes William Earnest Henley: "It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." She recognizes it from Invictus, then asks, "Wait, who was the white guy in that?" (We miss you, Carol!)
He says smugly that maybe someday Lemon will be like him, running a multi-billion dollar corporation and raising a child. He tells her Avery's been out of the picture since she's been on assignment for NBC's "Hot Blondes in Weird Places" initiative. He thinks it might be easiest for Avery to stay in Asia until Liddy is sleep trained. Lemon tells him to be careful what he wishes for because, according to The Secret, it will come true. He shouts out, "I wish Liz Lemon would leave so I could go back to work!" She stumbles backward as if pulled by some external force and gets all the way to Jonathan's desk before falling and acknowledging that wasn't part of the bit.
Downstairs, Dot Com joyfully welcomes Tracy back. Tracy cuts him off, calling his speech a "great impression of a guy that sucks." He tells Dot Com, Grizz, and Kenneth they have a lot of work to catch up. Kenneth says it's great to have the Three Musketeers and Dot Com back together again. He starts walking toward Tracy but trips over a table. Grizz says mockingly, "Smooth move, Ferguson!" Everyone has a good laugh, except for Tracy, who's not in on the joke. Tracy angrily tells them he's the only one able to have inside jokes, for example "Hot feet" or "Ask Melissa about it." They look at him quizzically, but he continues on, forbidding them to say "Smooth move, Ferguson" ever again.
Time for the "Lemon gets her life together montage." She playfully tidies up her house with a pink scarf around her hair and a song in her head that has the flavor of "We Go Together" and the theme from Laverne and Shirley. Words: "Sometimes, we use a song to move a story along and explain it to you. 'Cause Liz is taking charge. She's in control of everything she do... in her personal life, hey hey, na-na!" Just as the song gets to the part about the story obstacle, Lemon is faced with a plastic bag dangling from a tree "right outside the window of [her] soon-to-be Perfect Life Apartment." She goes to ask the doorman about it, but he replies gruffly, "If you're not in the building, I don't have to talk to you." Also, the tree is city property, so she'll have to take it up with them.
Over at Jack's apartment, Avery calls for some Reagan-masked Skype sex with Jack. The only catch is that he's holding Liddy, who will undoubtedly be scarred for life by this faint memory. The nanny takes the baby away, grumbling, "You people have too much money." After Jack defends the amount of "Reagan time" he's been sharing with Liddy, Avery tells him that her trip has been extended. She offers to get out of it, but he's enjoying his one-on-one time with the baby and tells her to stay, as long as she brings back some throwing stars for Liddy. She thanks him for being the best husband ever, then rewards him by putting back on the Reagan mask and eating jelly beans sensually.
The day, Kenneth is walking down the hall with Grizz and Dot Com. He throws a piece of garbage toward the trashcan and misses, warranting a "Smooth move, Ferguson." Tracy pops out of the garbage can and yells that he knew they were disobeying his orders to drop any inside jokes. Tracy demands they explain to him why the joke is funny, but it turns out to be a case of "You had to be there" involving a Mexican delivery boy. Tracy says then so be it. He tells them to recreate all the events surrounding "Smooth move, Ferguson" so he can join the joke and "they" can get on with their lives.
Upstairs, Jack's phone starts to ring. Jonathan runs into his office to tell him to turn off the TV. Jack clicks on the tube and goes live to a statement from Kim Jong-Il (Margaret Cho) announcing that Avery has been captured in North Korea. The newscast goes back to the anchor, who reminds us, "It's never too early to plan your dog's Halloween costume!" Jack gasps, "I told her to stay. I didn't want her at home. This is my fault." Jonathan notes if he just says one more syllable, he'll have written a haiku. Jack says glumly, "Leave." Hope you enjoyed your Secretary's Day poem, Jonathan!
City Hall. Lemon strides in confidently, only to emerge bedraggled a few moments later. She seeks refuge, as usual, in Jack. He says he can relate because he's got his own problem. She tells him it to lay it on her, so he mentions that Avery has been kidnapped by Kim Jong-Il. She wails, "What? Is she a spy? Oh God, I already know too much!" Jack calms her down, saying Avery was probably detained to bolster the country's propagandist machine. Flash to a news broadcast of Avery saying, "And in food news, you've had enough to eat today. And now with the weather, here's Johnny Mountain." As you can guess "Johnny Mountain" is really Kim Jong-Il, who declares, "North Korea: Everything sunny all the time always! Beach party!"
Lemon thinks Jack should call Bill Clinton to get Avery back home, but Jack says that "President InterBush is out of the question." He does have one high-profile connection, but it's fraught to say the least. He wishes he hadn't broken up with Condoleezza over text ("me + U = "). Even with that hit against him, Jack resolves to solve his problem, which is equally as important as Lemon's bag-in-a-tree situation. They chant "Invictus" and give each other a thumbs-up.
Downstairs calls the "Smooth Move, Ferguson" recreation meeting to order. Kenneth says everything is on course, except that it's not raining. Tracy gives Kenneth his credit card to get a rain machine... by jimmying the lock at a special effects warehouse. Once they figure out how to determine what they were wearing (security footage) and get Dot Com sick again (lick the subway steps), Kenneth notes that Jenna's hair was longer then. Tracy tells her she can take time to grow it out. With access to horse semen, it'll take about three weeks.
Three weeks later, Lemon still hasn't gotten the bag out of the tree. She screams out her window at the bag, insisting it won't win. The bag actually answers back, "But Liz, I already have." It goes on to say that no human is master of his own fate and even her dream apartment won't forestall mortality. The bag says he'll be there long after Lemon's gone... "the wind rustling against my genitals -- that's right. Bags have genitals." He tells her no matter how many accent walls she paints, he'll end up watching the EMTs take her out in his cousin the body bag.
Operation: Ferguson is a go. The last piece of the puzzle is to turn on the TV to MSNBC, where there's continued footage of Avery's capture. Kim Jong-Il calls reports of Avery heading up a fake Western news station "as ridiculous as the dunk Kim Jong-Il won the NBA dunking contest with." Tracy wonders what "his boy KJ" is doing on TV. Apparently they're pals from way back when they co-starred in a movie that Kim Jong-Il also directed. It featured such lines as, "Death to the CIA! Let us increase production of millet and sunflowers!" Frank can't believe Tracy was in a propaganda film, but Tracy says, "It was either that or play a rapping doorman in a Kate Hudson movie." Everyone nods understandingly. Just then, Kenneth's alarm rings, and it's time for Operation: Ferguson to commence. They all take their places as the delivery boy comes in and trips once again. Grizz delivers his line, and there's a long, awkward silence. Finally Tracy laughs and commands everyone else to laugh along with him. Success!
Later, Jack asks Tracy if he can illuminate a bit about Kim Jong-Il's personality. Tracy gravely tells Jack that KJ likes to shoot in close-up too often ("Comedy lives in the wide shots") and that his acting notes are often vague. Jack thanks him, then turns back to the TV, where Avery is making an announcement under the headline "Western Lie-Monger Apologizes." Jack is prepared to accept all of the propaganda Avery spouts (including floggings similar to their pirate-themed foreplay and cinder block breaking that she pays her trainer $1,000 an hour to replicate) until she says she's been convinced that Capitalism is flawed. Jack clasps his hand to his mouth, whimpering, "Oh my God, what have those monsters done to her?"
He goes to his last resort: Condoleezza Rice. She greets him with the typical passive-aggressive hostility of an ex. He apologizes for breaking up with her by text, going out drinking with Karl Rove on Valentine's Day, and calling her favorite movie lame. Condi shoots back, "Mars Attacks is awesome!" She demands he admit she's better at piano than he is at flute. He refuses, so they have a dueling banjos-esque competition that results in Jack falling to the ground in defeat. He admits she's better, so she says she'll see what she can do, then asks him to "get out of here before this gets weird."
Meanwhile, Lemon is sawing down the branch from which the smiley-faced bag hangs. She tells it, "You know what Mr. Bag? I will have a nice day. I'm gonna hang you in my kitchen and fill you with other bags. You will eat your family!" A cop approaches and tells her to put the saw down, or he will Tase her. Just as the bag starts fluttering down to her, he pulls out the volts. Grappling the bag, she shrieks, "Aaaaaaah! Worth it!"
Back at 30 Rock, Jack gets a call from Avery, who convinced the Korean luddites that her iPhone was actually a razor. Jack apologizes for telling Avery to stay. She says it's not his fault and says they actually love her there. She's already won a North Korean Emmy. Jack says there's hope: He spoke to Condoleezza. Avery says sharply, "Really? Did you also call Sally Ride and her sister?" He promises to get her out of North Korea, but her phone dies and she can't respond. He insists that it must have died right after he finished his speech because he is in control of his destiny.
Downstairs, Tracy peacocking around, screaming "Smooth move, Ferguson" and laughing. Kenneth finally tells him to let it go. Tracy finally lets it out -- it wasn't the joke itself, but what the joke represented. They were able to carry on and laugh without Tracy. Kenneth sobs that it wasn't funny, they just needed something to fill the holes in their hearts because otherwise being without Tracy was unbearable. Kenneth begs Tracy never to go away again. Tracy wails, "Never tell me what to do! Quad hug me in the middle! Also, due to a paperwork accident, you will not be getting paid this month!" And all is back to normal.
That night, Lemon calls Jack to brag that she got the bag and is "in control of [her] holes... or whatever." Since his phone call with Avery, Jack doesn't feel so confident. He tells her, "Condi tried, but Avery + Freedom = " He looks on the news, where it's been announced that Avery has married Kim Jong-Un, Kim Jong-Il's song. The banner reads, "He's Okay With How Much Shorter She Is Than Him." Just Jack tells Lemon this, a delivery boy on a bike nearly runs into her. As she stops short a bunch of plastic bags are caught in a gust of wind and fly into the tree in front of Lemon's window. She drops to her knees and screams, "Nooooo! Mortality!" as the delivery boy tells her, "Smooth move, Ferguson."
Bonus! Another scene from Kim Jong-Il's directorial debut-slash-masterpiece.
It's a short jokes section this week, not unlike a certain Asian dictator.
Secrets & Lies
Jenna: The Secret? I gave this to you five years ago. You still haven't read it? It works, Liz. Look at me. Every since I started secreting, I've become a TV star, I found my soul mate... you saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the Oscars. I visualized all of that.
Lemon: Jenna, the only way you make things happen in the real world is by taking action.
Jenna: Oh, I've taken Action. It dries your mouth up, but the sex is amazing.
Jack Probably Would Have Preferred Lemonomics
Lemon: Great news, Jack. I've got a new life philosophy that I call "Lizbianism."
Jack: I see. How did you come up with that name?
Lemon: Well, I'm Liz, and obviously my philosophy is simple, like a bean. I'm fixing problems in my personal life the way that I fix problems at work. I saved the show, and now I'm going to save me. Because Lizbianism means that I am a dyke... against the rising waters of mediocrity.
JessupGate Just Doesn't Have the Same Ring
Lemon: You have to call President Clinton. He got Lisa Ling's sister out of North Korea.
Jack: President InterBush is out of the question. Avery will never accept his help. She can't forgive him for not hitting on her during the 1996 Democratic Convention.
Lemon: She's much too thin.
iShave
Jack: Avery?
Avery: Jack! Oh thank God. I forgot the US country code, but then I remembered it's number one!
Jack: How are you calling me?
Avery: Nobody here has ever seen an iPhone. I told them it was my razor. I have to shave my legs with it, but there's an app for that.
Jack: Oh, Avery, I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I told you to stay.
Avery: No, this is nobody's fault -- except for maybe that pansy Harry Truman for not taking down this country when he had the chance.
Jack: Truman!