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After a blog post claims that TGS hates women, Lemon takes it upon herself to hire more female writers. She picks Abby Flynn, a comedienne noted in the same blog post as one of the up-and-coming voices of comedy. Frank, Toofer and Lutz vow to take on new personae (rich, bad-ass, and British, respectively) in an concerted attempt to impress Abby once she joins the gang. Their attempts go about as spectacularly south as Lemon's when it turns out that Abby is a babbling, blonde bimbette with a penchant for Man Show-style punch lines. Lemon is offended for womankind, while Jenna is offended as she credits herself as the pioneer of mainstream baby talk circa 1998. They band together to free Abby of her desperation for male attention or to flush her out of 30 Rock, whichever comes first. When Abby turns a deaf ear to Lemon's attempts to build up Abby's self-esteem and show her a better way, Lemon digs up an old clip of Abby (née Abby Grossman) when she used to have brown hair, longer hemlines and an actual brain. Abby reveals that she didn't change her appearance and personality to impress men. In fact, she did it to escape her abusive husband. She flees to find yet another identity, and Lemon is left to eat a slice of humble pie. Or, if we know Lemon, an entire pie covered in cheese.
Meanwhile, Jack finds a stumbling block in his plans to succeed Kabletown's current CEO. Since Kabletown is a family-owned business, the CEO's 14-year-old granddaughter Kaley (Chloe Moretz) is in line to assume the throne. Jack reads up on his nemesis and invites her to 30 Rock for a bit of gentle guidance. He is relieved to find out that she has no ambitions to work in television. Instead, she wants to be a marine biologist. Jack arranges a private tour of the American Museum of Natural History with famed oceanographer Dr. Bob Ballard. Along the way, however, he becomes nostalgic about his former ambitions in the sciences. For a moment, he considers throwing it all away to secure his legacy as a scientist and explorer. Then he realizes that Kaley has made a thank-you poster that shows a picture of Jacques Cousteau that can only be found in Jack's home safe and his autobiography. He realizes that Kaley has been doing recon on him just as he did on her. She does want to succeed her grandfather as a Kabletown honcho after all. With that, it's game on. Will the chutzpah and boundless energy of a youngster win out? Or will dashing looks, glossy hair, and experience prevail? Only time will tell.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Jenna enters the writers' room to tell all the "non-famouses" the good news that she's hit the Internet, via the website JoanOfSnark.com. The writers look at Jenna's write-up as Lemon explains that JoanOfSnark dishes on celebrity gossip and features listicles on things like which celebs have the worst beach bodies (Ruth Bader Ginsburg!). Jenna says the article deems her one the freshest new voices in comedy. Toofer quickly corrects her, pointing out that the article she's looking at is about another comedienne named Abby Flynn, whose picture appears to her under the headline. If Jenna had scrolled down further (or perhaps read the article at all), she would have seen the following article, "Why TGS Hates Women." Lemon thinks that idea is crazy, especially since it's all Jenna, all the time during Tracy's sabbatical to "Africa." Cut to clips of Jenna playing Amelia Earhart and Hillary Clinton, both of whom screw up their jobs when they get their periods. Lemon claims the jokes were ironic re-appropriations of sexism but immediately recognizes she's on thin ice. She stands up indignantly and spews about how TGS -- formerly known as The Girlie Show, fans from way back -- has a responsibility to lift up women. Then she screams, "Ohhhh, my period. You're all fired!" and collapses to the floor. Credits.
Jack's office. Lemon asks the boss man if he thinks she hates women. He says yes, but argues that she's pre-disposed to view other women as competition for the attention of powerful men such as himself, Hercules, the Highlander and God. Lemon retorts, "I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor said if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs." Jack says attempts to breed the competitive streak out of women have only ended with lesbians with hip dysplasia. Lemon insists she supports other women (like a human bra) and, as such, wants to hire this Abby Flynn. Jack starts to claim it's not in the budget, then he sees Abby's photo and practically leaps on board. He justifies his change of heart by quoting Kabletown CEO Hank Hooper's autobiography, "New blood is the life blood of every company's blood," then he qualifies, "He's not a strong writer." He tells Lemon he plans to succeed Hooper in the near future. Lemon says if he believes in himself, he'll reach his goals -- she read that on a bottle of women's exercise water. Jack explains that it's not that simple, because Kabletown is family-owned, so he'll have to destroy Hooper's Bieber-loving 14-year-old granddaughter Kaley (kick-ass actual 14-year-old Chloe Moretz) by guiding her toward the same useless pastimes as her trust-funded relatives, who are variously smoking pot and painting (her aunt) or trying to sail an inflatable castle across the ocean (her father). He thinks she can find some other reasonable occupation, such as "a doctor's nurse or a lawyer's mistress or even the President of the United States... Shopping Association." Lemon takes umbrage because, while Jack is scheming to thwart a young girl's dreams, she is trying to help women achieve their potential -- "Because potential is the difference between what you can't do and what can't you do." Jack snarkily asks if she read that little gem off of a water bottle. She snips that no, she submitted it to AquaFem but was rejected. So there!
Writers' room. Frank excitedly tells the guys (and Cerie... and the German girl) that Operation: Abby Flynn is on. Lutz: "Girl coming!" Frank says they need to immediately devise a plan so Abby doesn't immediately notice what losers they are. He suggests they each create an alter ego. Frank will be rich, Toofer will be a bad boy, and Lutz will be British... "because chicks dig British guys... Sir Ian McKellen? That dude must be knee-deep in boob!" Frank threatens to sic Lutz and his shirtless Xbox Kinect antics on the other writers. Pete speaks on behalf of everyone when he agrees immediately and desperately.
Out in the corridor, Jack and Kenneth take Kaley on the grand tour of TGS. Oh, how I hope this ends up with an age-inappropriate crush on Kenneth! Jack subtly probes the youngster in hopes of discerning her dreams and inspiring her to stay away from boring old TV. Kaley admits that she secretly yearns to be a marine biologist. Jack realizes that he has at least a few cards up his sleeve as a personal friend of Titanic-discovering oceanographer Bob Ballard and a board member of the American Museum of Natural History. Kaley screams harder about this than she did about being a Belieber. Jack promises Kaley a private tour of the museum led by Ballard himself. She says that would be amazing, and Kenneth continues to tour. pit stop: Brian Williams' bathroom!
Writers' room. Lemon gets a sneak preview of the guys' new personae when she announces that Abby is on her way up. She immediately catches wise to their ploy and tells a tuxedoed Subas to get back to work... and his wife. Lemon tells the guys that Abby's arrival signals a new era and the end of male douchebaggery at TGS because she's "talkin' 'bout a femolution." She proudly attributes the turn of phrase to Tracy Chapman, then asks nervously, "She's a woman, right?" As she challenges the blogosphere to call her a woman-hater again, Abby enters, full-on pigtails and helium voice and schoolgirl giggling and claims that she "smelled sausage" all the way down the hall. Lemon introduces herself, and they have an introductory hug. Abby titters that their "nips just touched," adding, "mine are so hard!" Lemon chimes in, "Mine are different sizes," then introduces Abby to the writers. Abby leans over a chair and presses her cleavage up with its back as she purrs that she might have to sit on someone's lap in this crowded room. She eenie-meenies until she lands on Frank. She plops down near his jock, splays her right leg up onto the table, and sucks her thumb in between giggles. Lemon calls to her higher power: "Give me strength, oh Oprah."
A bit later, Kenneth leads Kaley and Jack into the studio. Jack crosses paths with Lemon and asks, "Who thinks gesturing with thumbs is for poor people and is going to be the CEO of Kabletown?" He points to himself with his pinkies and smugs, "This guy." He says he knows what every 14-year-old science geek wants. And, though Kaley may not be interested in "practicing frottage on a poster of Linda Ronstadt," he can certainly pull a few strings to make sure she abandons Kabletown for marine biology. "With my connections, I can make Kaley's dream come true," he says. Then he adds, "I should dig up my old shell collection, complete the seduction after Bob Ballard and I double-team her." Lemon strongly advises Jack to reconsider his word choice.
As they talk, Abby strolls by, flashing her headlights and sucking on a popsicle. She coos, "Is it cold in here, or is it just that I'm not wearing any underweeeeeear?" Jack tells Lemon that Abby should be careful since the company gets a tax break for hiring sex offenders. He walks off as Abby carries on her thumbsuckery. Jenna approaches Lemon and gives her a sharp slap on the cheek before asking, "What? Is? That?!" Jenna thinks she has the franchise on baby talk and vows that Abby must be destroyed. They look over, and Abby is bouncing on a trampoline, Man Show style. Lemon thinks Jenna is embracing a horrible stereotype that women are out to tear each other down. Jenna has no problem with that plan and proposes they spread a rumor about Abby, just like she did to Jamie Lee Curtis. She leans in conspiratorially and reveals this damning rumor, "That she has two butts!" Lemon tells Jenna they should achieve their mutual goals by fixing Abby. Jenna hisses, "Yes, like you fix a dog. We'll sterilize her!" Lemon had something else in mind -- show Abby that there is another way. They look back to see that Jack has joined Abby on the trampoline, and I suspect this is going to be an uphill battle.
American Museum of Natural History. Jack, Kaley and Dr. Ballard nerd out over the ocean life. Jack tells Kaley she can blaze new trails in oceanography, and Ballard gives her a membership to the Student Argonauts. She squeals in ecstasy, and Ballard says, "You already speak dolphin? Excellent!" Jack queries whether there's an age cutoff for the Student Argonauts, and Kaley notices that he seems to love the science of the sea. He tells her his days of fantasizing about science are gone, but as she walks off with Ballard, his eyes take on a wistful look. Cue fantasy: Jack as Ahab. Thankfully, Ballard cuts off that sad display.
Riverside Park. Lemon takes Abby to a special place. Guesses Abby, "It's where you got your V-card punched?" Lemon tells her they're at the statue of Eleanor Roosevelt, whom Lemon proclaims as "first lady to the world, champion of the rights of women, and the lid on my high school lunch box." Lemon encourages Abby to drop the "sexy baby act" and to talk in her real voice. Abby insists she's not putting on an act and can't help if men are attracted to her. She looks seductively over at an ogling homeless man, who quickly clarifies that he's not looking at Lemon. Lemon says she's trying to help Abby, who is obviously desperate for male attention, but Abby accuses Lemon of judging her for using her own assets to get ahead. She asserts she has nothing to explain, but Lemon thinks she's giving a bad name to TGS and women proper. At which point the homeless guy screams across the park, "Kiss!" Abby tells Lemon she is who she is and tells Lemon to deal with it. Then she asks if they can make out and sticks her tongue out like some shit from Cruel Intentions. Lemon grunts and walks off with disdain.
Jack's office. Kenneth walks in as Jack looks at an old picture of himself with Jacques Cousteau. He asks Kenneth how people will remember him after he's gone. Kenneth chirps that he's already begun composing a memorial ballad for the occasion. He begins singing, "Slaves of Jesus, hear my tale..." Jack cuts him off, guessing that people (and conversation robots) will remember him for wearing lots of suits and attending lots of meetings (plus reading lots of magazines about meetings). Jack wonders what he's been put on this earth to do. He toys with the idea of letting Kaley run Kabletown after all while he goes off to secure his legacy as a scientist and adventurer. In turn, Kenneth hopes for his own legacy as the creator of a Sesame Street-type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls. Jack looks out into the distance as he conjures up his future as the giver of language to the world walrus population. Kenneth puts a hand of camaraderie on Jack's shoulder, to which Jack says gently, "No."
Downstairs, Jenna marches into Lemon's office to announce that she is taking control of the Abby situation. Lemon tells her to hold her horses and shows Jenna a clip of Abby as her formerly unibrowed, brunette self. Lemon rues the transformation of Abby (née Abby Grossman) from a strong, smart, beautiful woman to a "baby hooker." Jenna turns around and speaks into a voice recorder: "Children's book idea -- baby hooker. Don't tell Liz." Alas, Maroney, Bratz got there first! Lemon says she's going to play the clip for the rest of the staff to expose Abby. Jenna likes the elegance and viciousness of Lemon's idea, though Lemon still thinks she's helping Abby.
Upstairs, Jack sits in office during a conference call, staring off dreamily and looking at a collage Kaley made to thank him for their day of science. He gasps as he double-takes at the picture of Jacques Cousteau, then rushes to Abby's school. He asks her where she got the photo since it exists in only two places -- his safe and in Jack's autobiography, which is conveniently in her backpack. She drops the innocent teenager act and admits that she was "researching the enemy," just like he was. She says the ocean is for tools, then steps in closer and snarls that he'll never beat her at this game because she was born to run Kabletown. She threatens to tell her grandfather that Jack gave her alcohol. He in turn threatens to seduce one of her teachers into failing her. A couple teachers volunteer for that job, and the bell rings. He patronizes that she should run off to class now. She says it's her free period. Jack: "Well played."
Writers' room. Abby bounces in, squeaking, "You know what sucked about my last lesbian orgy...?" Lemon can take this pretense no more, so she pulls up the old clip of Abby online. Abby's voice drops a half-octave as she insists that clip isn't her. Lemon reveals that she sent the clip into JoanOfSnark.com. Abby stands up and growls (in her real, lower alto voice) that Lemon is a stupid, meddling bitch who has signed Abby's death warrant. Lemon is confused by the melodrama, but Abby explains that she changed her voice and appearance to get away from her violent ex-husband, who has been on a murderous, jealous rampage since getting electrocuted while watching Sleeping with the Enemy. Now it's Lemon's turn to be all, "Whoopsy-daises, teeheeheehee!" Abby pulls out her chicken cutlets and takes off her wig, telling Lemon angrily that she actually is desperate for male attention -- because it makes her feel safer. That's why she slept with Lutz. Lutz promises to protect her no matter what, then literally wets his pants a split-second later when the UPS guy enters the room with a package for Abby. The box comes with a note from Abby's ex that says, "I thought this box would be the perfect size for your head. P.S. I was electrocuted again while watching Seven." Abby says she has six hours left to start her new life, then storms out, proclaiming Lemon a Judas to all of womankind. Jenna gives Lemon a thumbs-up for flushing out their nemesis. Lemon tries to redirect the writers' attention by going over a sketch... in which Wonder Woman gets her period.
I guess it's true that women aren't funny. No stand-alone jokes this week, gang.
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