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After her messy break-up with Carol, Lemon resigns herself to a life of spinsterhood, complete with a fanny pack-adorned sweat suit, a cat named Emily Dickinson, and a large-print copy of Murder on the Orient Express. Jenna tries to jog her out of the lovelorn lurch by taking her to a club that seems perfectly suited for Lemon. One hot stranger (Eion Bailey) and a random hook-up later, Lemon thinks all signs are pointing away from her inevitable slog toward "Decrepit Cat Lady"... until she starts to piece together clues from the night before, Agatha Christie-style, and realizes it was all a set-up by the gang at TGS. Whether that's extra-sad or heartwarming, you be the judge. Either way, Lemon got to make out with a swarthy fellow named Anders.
Inspired by Pete's tales of playing with Loverboy, a.k.a. those guys who sang "Workin' for the Weekend," Frank decides to join forces with Axeman Hornberger to form the worst band since Dirk Diggler took to the sound booth. Their ditty "It's Never Too Late for Now" is destined for obscurity, but it does give sexy Anders a way to get into Lemon's grey granny panties, so let's score one for Sound Bound. Yep, that's the name of their "band."
And Jack runs into negotiation stalemates both amid the NBC-Kabletown merger and with his sassy new Trinidadian nanny, Sherry. Jack thinks he can bring the impassive Sherry around if he shows apathy toward his baby girl, Liddy, but silent Sherry is wise to these ploys. In the end, Jack is able to use his failings in negotiating with Sherry as learning tools for his meetings with the Kabletown honchos.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Lemon marches proudly into the writers' room and announces that she has broken up with Carol. Jenna asks in horror why Lemon, who is wearing exclusively sweatpants, is carrying a cat. And rocking a fanny pack. And holding up her ponytail with a chip clip. Lemon informs her that she's given up. She says she did the math and realizes that her window of opportunity to meet Mister Right has closed. She had three times chances -- Floyd, Carol, and that one time she was in the elevator with Tom Brokaw -- and she blew them all. She hopes she can make a graceful transition into spinsterhood, though I'm pretty sure that, by definition, such a thing is impossible. Naturally, her new kitty's name is Emily Dickinson.
Jack strides in a few steps before stopping dead in his tracks. He notes the signs of Lemon's "change of life" and pop-quizzes her: What's the name of the lead detective on NCIS? When she rattles off Jethro Gibbs like he's a member of the family, Jack calls her into her office for a word alone. She tells him she's taken the money she had saved up for her honeymoon and purchased a cemetery plot. She informs him she also joined a book club at the senior center near her home. The first book is Murder on the Orient Express. He tells her there's a movie, so she immediately tosses the book in the trash. He says he'd like to help with her current crisis, but he's got his own problem brewing, since Avery's maternity leave was cut short and she was sent to Greece. He's especially harried because he has an important meeting to negotiate NBC's licensing fees with Kabletown this week. Then his phone buzzes, and he has to run home to drop off the check for his nanny. He concedes that she runs his household, so it's a delicate relationship, "which means keeping quiet while your DVR fills up with Trinidadian soap operas." He promises to take care of "this... whole... dysfunction" (a.k.a. Lemon) once he's got less stuff on his plate. She assures him there's nothing to take care of, then says, "Watch this! I can fit Emily Dickinson's whole head in my mouth!" Credits.
Over in the studio, Frank finds Pete looking wishfully at the set-up a band sent over. They both sigh at the awesome rock star life, which Pete claims he once lived for three months in the early '80s when he played guitar for Loverboy. He faced a crossroads when he was awarded with a college scholarship to study TV budgeting. He made his choice, and his rock star days are in the past. Frank tells him "It's never too late." Pete is struck by a notion. He starts strumming and singing, "It's never too late... it's never too late... it's never too late for now!" Frank takes to the keys, and Pete carries on: "Yesterday's dreams are gone, but today I'm singin' this song..." They sing together -- badly -- "'Cause it's never too late, never too late, it's never too late for now." Frank thinks they should start a band. Pete thinks they just did.
Jack's house. Jack writes his check to the nanny, Sherry, and apologies, saying, "I hope there was enough shark meat in the refrigerator for your sandwiches." She shrugs. He looks over the check again and realizes that he's paying her the same rate he was paying her when she was working full-time. She tells him that it's her only rate. He tries to negotiate with her, but she just pulls out a clementine and eats it silently while he jabbers on in some failed economic metaphor. He tells her the rate's unreasonable. She looks at him blankly and asks, "So... whatcha wan' do?" He shrinks back from her bold tactics and ends up giving her the full amount anyway.
Lemon's office. She watches Murder on the Orient Express as she replaces a picture of herself with Carol with one of her and Emily Dickinson. Jenna barges in to put a stop to the madness. Lemon notices that Jenna is talking especially quickly. Jenna tells her, "I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ-slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth, which is something my body needs anyway!" Jenna tells Lemon they're going out that night because Lemon needs to rebound... sexually. While Jenna likes the wordplay of rebounding with an NBA player, Lemon's free to pick her own booty call. Lemon politely rejects Jenna offer because she has to spend the night editing a "Best of Tracy Jordan" show. Jenna vows, "I'm not giving up. I didn't give up when Eric Roberts abandoned me in the desert, and I won't now." Pause and horrified look from Lemon. "No judgment, Liz. Mr. Roberts thought I was dead."
Lemon finds Pete and Frank jamming out in a sound booth as they record their song about what Pete calls "that delicious little mystery called life." Lemon tells him to come with her to the editing room, but he wants to keep living the rock 'n' roll life. That is, until his arthritis kicks in. Lemon tells him she has some pain pills in her fanny pack, which is in the mini-fridge in her office, then tells him to come straight up to editing. After she leaves, Frank notices that their song is credited to "Hornberger and Rossitano." Pete explains that it's alphabetical, but Frank thinks he should get more credit since he coined the "It's never too late" part of their song. Pete angrily tells him, "When we get up at the Grammys, I talk. Not you!"
Edit room. Lemon picks up a call from Jack, who is beating himself up about bungling the negotiation with Sherry. "If I had done that in a mock negotiation in business school, Professor Widmer would have spanked me in front of the whole class... bare bottom," he chagrins. Lemon tells him that meetings with his nanny have an emotional component that complicates things. Jack compliments her for this keen business insight and tells her Professor Widmer would have given her a "good job spanking." She asks, "What is business school?" Either way, Jack realizes that Sherry has leverage over him -- "eight pounds of screaming, toothless, soft-skulled leverage." He plans to reformulate his negotiating tactics, taking the stance that he hates baby Liddy, so Sherry will have no leverage. Lemon says she could never hate Emily Dickinson. Jack hangs up on her. Lemon wants to resume cutting, but the editor feels nauseated. She thinks it's from her sandwich from American Sub Restaurant Very Clean Come In. She asks Lemon to leave her notes, then runs out in a vomitous frenzy.
Jenna materializes from nothing (a trick she developed to catch people talking about her) and says Lemon has no more excuses to stay in. Lemon begs off, claiming all clubs and dance halls and odeons are malarkey, but Jenna promises her she can leave if she doesn't like it -- "this isn't Eric Roberts' teepee."
Donaghy den. Jack swaggers into his renegotiation with Sherry and tells her plainly that he doesn't care for Liddy. They have nothing in common, save for a fondness for Avery's breasts. Not to mention that she's only one of two people who've ever thrown up on him -- and he hasn't spoken to Joe Namath since that Mardi Gras. Then he pulls out the trump card: "I don't even think that Liddy looks like me, so evolutionarily, that makes me want to eat her." He tells Sherry to take a pay cut or take a hike. Just when he thinks he's regained leverage, Liddy cries. Sherry stands by sternly, silently. He pleads for her to stay, ultimately offering to pay for everyone in her family to attend college.
Meanwhile, Jenna has taken Lemon to a bar with Lilith Fair-style music, ample seating, and clearly marked fire exits. Lemon scours the place for something to hate and zeroes in on the name, Canal Yards Project, which she deems "hipster nonsense." Before she can leave, Jenna orders them some drinks. The bartender asks for their IDs, and Lemon tells him the fact that she participated in Hands Across America should date her sufficiently. She goes into her wallet and discovers her license is missing. She thinks it's her cue to go home, but a hot guy (Eion Bailey) approaches to return her license. They bond over a mutual love of white wine spritzers and some sort of nerd conversation that I can't even pretend to understand. [Why aren't droids allowed into the cantina in Star Wars? It's a legitimate question! - Zach] She sexily removes her coat... to reveal her sweatsuit. He gives her a sexy smile.
Back at 30 Rock, Frank premieres the demo of his and Pete's song. Sample lyrics: "Castles form in the sand. Could this really be God's plan? Or is it never too late, never too late? It's never too late for now?" Pete notices with some irritation that Frank has mixed down his vocals to nothing. Frank thinks it sounds better, but Pete asks accusingly if it has to do with "her." Pan over to Yuki, Frank's new Japanese girlfriend who is totally breaking up the band. Whose name is "Sound Mound," btw. Pete goes to cancel the 5,000 T-shirts he ordered, but Cerie intercepts him with the first of twenty boxes, clearly marked "NO REFUNDS."
Canal Yards Project. Lemon settles in for another round with the dreamboat, whose name is Anders. She compliments him for not having "one weird little tooth." He invites her back to his hotel room to order Eat Pray Love and make fun of it. Lemon is down: "Julia Roberts in a movie about eating? Give me Kirstie Alley -- someone who knows what she's doing." Anders offers her his hand to go, but she shies away. Just then, a fight breaks out. Anders calls it "typical night club malarkey," grabs her hand, and leads her to safety. They get outside, and Lemon tells him her heart's pounding like she's watching Oprah's farewell season. With this new development, she's beginning to doubt her graceful transition to spinsterhood. Anders gets serious. He says that he doesn't "believe in science or signs from the universe." What he does believe is that it's never too late for now. Cue Pete and Frank's one-hit blunder as Anders scoops Lemon up for a kiss and we're treated to a full-on spinning camera shot.
The day, Jack is determined to set the situation with Sherry right. In addition to her bloated salary, he gives her $100 for cab fare home every day. He admits that she's unraveling his very idea of himself by out-negotiating him. He's now fearful of going into his Kabletown negotiations "after being reamed by a woman in Winnie the Pooh hospital pants." Sherry listens impassively as he mentally goes down the list of disadvantages he's facing against Kabletown, that he has "a brand new baby that they've poured time and money into... some useless thing that would die if left alo--" He has an epiphany: Liddy is to him what NBC is to Kabletown. Cut to the meeting. The Kabletown rep makes his initial offer. Jack takes on a slightly beleaguered expression, takes out a clementine, and starts peeling it. Facing Jack's silence, the guy becomes flustered and starts negotiating against himself. Jack asks, "So... whatcha wan' do?"
Downstairs, Lemon takes her sweatsuited walk of shame into the writers' room. They all clap for her as she walks into her office. There she finds Jack opening a bottle of Scotch NBC sent them that week they came in third. She wonders what the special occasion is. He updates her on the successful Kabletown negotiations, then congratulates her for getting to first base, which is what he calls sex with a stranger. She says her one-night stand "was not the worst" and concedes maybe she shouldn't give up just yet. She begins to wonder what would have happened if things hadn't played out exactly as they did, from the editor's food poisoning to her lost license. Jack tells her not to overthink it. He walks out. As she goes to close the door, she sees him giving the writers a pat on the back and signing the German writer's cast. She looks at her copy of Murder on the Orient Express and says, "Gasp!"
Moments later, she has summoned the writers to Jack's office for a Poirot-style summation of the night's "repulsive act." While the evening's events could have been taken at value, it's also possible that her one-night-stand was the result of a vast conspiracy. It began when Kenneth poisoned the editor's food... while wearing an ominous pinky ring. Shortly before, Pete gained access to her fanny pack and removed her license from the malfunction-proof Velcro Philly sport wallet. She knows this, because he forgot to break the seal on the ibuprofen he supposedly needed. The plot thickened when Lemon didn't fall asleep after four glasses of wine. It was Jenna's black-market organ-slimming pills! The accomplices became desperate when Lemon wavered over whether to leave the club with Anders. Through a coordinated series of gestures and German-issued full-body tackles, the club fell into a scene of chaos, giving Anders the opportunity to whisk Lemon away to the safety of his hotel room. With all of these pieces in place, Lemon realizes that even the club itself was strange, almost as if it were designed specifically for her? Who might have the resources to accomplish such a feat? She pulls up a whiteboard with the words "Canal Yards Project" on it. She rearranges them to come up with the words "Tracy Jordans Place." Dot Com to Grizz: "You had to sign your crime, didn't you?" Grizz: "You were the one who gave me those Monk DVDs!" Lemon says the final straw was when Anders told her, "It's never too late for now." The night before, she took the coincidence as a sign from the universe. In the harsh light of day, she recognizes it must have come from somewhere far more nefarious. She wonders how Anders knew everything about her. Flash back to Anders' tutorial in Jack's office, where he is being told about Lemon's favorite drink -- Funky Juice. Lemon has but one question still unanswered: Who was Anders? Jack assures her, "He certainly wasn't a Swiss prostitute that Martha Stewart recommended to me." With a grimace, she leaves that one alone and concludes the presentation. Yes, this complex explanation is possible, but what sort of friends would conspire so against her? She thinks it's positively malarkey, and she's just a very lucky girl who happened to get some last night. With that, she releases Emily Dickinson from her cage and, in doing so, bids a symbolic goodbye to spinsterhood. [Emily Dickinson is promptly scooped up by a falcon. - Z]
Bonus! The world premiere of Sound Mound's second single "Weekend Woman." Yet more lyrics: "'Cause she's a weekend lady, she's got that weekend style. Temperature's risin', she's gonna make you smile. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, uh-uh, uh-uh. Friday, Saturday, kinda Sunday, and holiday Mondays, uh-huh-huh! She's a weekend woman, gonna make her mine. Gonna make it the weekend all the tiiiiiiiiiime!"
Well, those lyrics are a hard act to follow, but hopefully cold tampons and bathroom booze-o-ramas will suffice...
Baby Names & 15 Minutes of Fame
Jack: I want to help you, Lemon, but this is not the week. Avery's maternity leave has been cut short so she could go cover the collapse of Greece's banking system. Since inventing democracy, those guys have been... coasting
Lemon: So you're all alone with baby Liz?
Jack: We're calling her Liddy after Liddy Dole, G. Gordon Liddy, and my martial arts instructor Lid Y. In addition, I have a huge presentation coming up. Meeting magazine is already calling it "the first great meeting of the decade." I have to be at my best. I'm negotiating NBC's licensing fees with Kabletown.
Lemon: But aren't NBC and Kabletown the same company now? That sounds like a pretty big conflict of interest. Why would the government even allow that merger?
Jack: It's okay, don't worry. You just keep watching Bridalplasty.
Lemon: Alissena died last week!
From Axe to Tampax
Pete: We're recording a song called "It's Never Too Late for Now." It's about that delicious little mystery I call life.
Lemon: Oh my God, that sucks. Come on, we're going to editing.
Pete: No, I'm not going to editing. I'm in here shredding away like a righteous axe master! ...And my arthritis is acting up. Do you have any ibuprofen?
Lemon: My fanny pack is in my office, in my mini-fridge. I like my tampons to be cold.
And... Payoff
Jack: Lemon, I am supposed to represent NBC in a negotiation that Rex Belcher of the American Magazine of Meetings rated four chairs. Four!
Lemon: I'm sorry, is that another magazine about meetings?
Bathroom Boozin'
Anders: I recognized your hair from across the room. Is that chestnut?
Lemon: Oh, it's actually called "Grandfather's Shoe."
Anders: Can I get you a drink? I'm having white wine with ice cubes and Sprite.
Lemon: That's my drink! I keep a thermos of it by my toilet! [Catches herself.] You misheard me!
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see whether 30 Rock is a good place to work!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!