In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Kabletown officially takes over NBC, and Jack feels more pressure than ever to bring in high ratings. Since reality TV is a sure-fire winner, and celebrity-filled disaster telethons garner the best ratings of all, he contrives to pre-tape a telethon so that he has the edge over other networks during the natural disaster. He commissions the writers to imagine various calamitous scenarios, which not only leads to a slew of insanely inappropriate and unlikely cataclysms but also instigates an internal competition between the writers to earn a place in Lutz' car (that he lies about owning) in case a tornado really does hit a gun factory... or something of the sort. As luck would have it, devastation hits Mel Gibson's private island, where he was hosting a douchebag convention with Jon Gosselin. Jack can't get to the control room before the pre-taped telethon runs and worries that he's sunk for hosting a telethon for one of the least sympathetic figures of modern times. As it turns out, the telethon actually scores the tremendous ratings Jack predicted, and the world makes sense again.
Meanwhile, the Queen of Jordan cameras have arrived at TGS to tape Tracy's day-to-day life. In light of his Oscar nomination for Hard to Watch, Tracy resolves to be as boring and scandal-free as possible so the producers can't get any footage of him. Lemon decides to use this turn of events to her advantage and ropes Tracy in to fulfilling all the responsibilities he's shirked in the past . Tracy changes strategies and begins to sing his refusals to the tune of licensed music that the Queen of Jordan producers can't use. Lemon grows so frustrated that she takes Tracy aside, and they have it out. Naturally, the producers catch their spat through a cracked door (oldest trick in the book!) and splice together a ready-made reality TV crisis and resolution, complete with stunt Lemons and Tracys. Seeing their alter egos reconcile inspires Tracy and Lemon to do the same, and they resume their touch-and-go relationship once more.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Lemon finds Jack outside of 30 Rock the morning that the GE logo is officially replaced by Kabletown's. Jack takes a pause to reflect on his 30 years of service to NBC under GE. Thankfully he begins speaking again before Lemon can launch into "The Circle Game." Jack likens himself under this new leadership as an intrepid explorer, off to explore new territories. Lemon, meanwhile, is only concerned with getting a new employee ID. The last time she posed, she was holding in a "snart" (sneeze + fart), and it came out at exactly the wrong time. Jack rebuffs her answer to tell him what a "snart" is, but he gets an ear- and a nose-full anyway because she lets one rip as they walk in the building. Credits.
Lemon walks into the studio and beholds her new -- and still horrendous -- employee ID. Pete tells her that today Tracy is phoning it in, literally. Lemon marches over to Tracy's dressing room to ask when he'll cease these antics. He assures her that after he wins awards for Hard to Watch, it won't get any better. He says, "When you win an Oscar, it opens up an elite level of actor craziness: Throwing telephones at hotel employees, speaking to the UN about some messed up crap in Africa, and I'm definitely getting a private island." Like Jack, Nicolas Cage, Celine Dion, and Lost's Charles Widmore before him, Tracy is entering a whole new world of possibilities. Lemon tells him he has two choices: to stay in his room like a child or get up and go to work. Tracy stands up and walks toward the door. This ratifies Lemon until he informs her he's not going to rehearsal, but rather "to get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet."
Out in the corridor, Lemon finds Kenneth in his NBC Page dress blues, which looks not unlike a Civil War uniform complete with sword. Kenneth tells her he wants to look good in case he's filmed for Queen of Jordan. Lemon didn't approve any filming at TGS, but Kenneth tells her Jack approved it after Kenneth couldn't put the paperwork in her mailbox for all the unread adoption materials. Lemon continues down the hall and finds Lutz, who thinks he'll look better on TV with a big hoop earring (in his left ear?), some guyliner, and thong underpants -- no tush lines!
Lemon heads upstairs to grouse at Jack that he's exacerbating her Tracy problems by allowing cameras into her workplace. He coolly informs her that reality TV is what pays for TGS to keep running. It's cheap, easily promotable, and utterly replaceable. Lemon argues that they are in a new Golden Age of scripted TV, and he grabs her and shushes her patronizingly. He tells her he's beginning Phase Two of his Jack Attack on Kabletown. In doing research, he's realized that celebrity disaster benefits have been the most successful reality events in recent years. As such, he has found a way to get the edge over other networks when the disaster strikes -- pre-tape a slew of telethons for various disasters. Lemon thinks he's stirring up some bad karma. She begins to tell the story of how she stole a cab from a pregnant lady on crutches that morning, when bam! A piece of tile from the ceiling falls on her head. Karma. Jack argues that it's a win-win because the victims will still get money, as will NBC. He tells her to enlist Jenna to sing, and before he even gets the words out of his mouth, Jenna chimes in, "I'll do it! But I hate my dress."
Jack visits the writers' room and tasks them with conceiving of any and every potential natural disaster that might prompt a celebrity benefit. He halts speaking abruptly, shoots a disgusted look at Lutz, and leaves the room. Toofer says he just finished a screenplay with a tidal wave. Frank pitches in the possibility of a tornado hitting a handgun factory. Kenneth suggests another flood like from the days of Noah, except on his reverend's ark, only teenage boys are allowed. Pete says that, due to "global weirding," all these things and more are possible. Frank recalls anxiously, "There was a cyclone in Brooklyn last year. It destroyed two vintage T-shirt stores and a banjo." Pete realizes TGS is ill-equipped to respond to such a catastrophe and proposes they formulate an emergency plan in case calamity strikes. Kenneth continues on his weird riff, "Everyone needs an emergency plan. For instance, right before the ark leaves, I'm supposed to castrate Reverend Gary."
Studio. Lemon is surprised to find that Tracy has actually shown up for work. Dot Com fills her in that Tracy is putting on a show for the Queen of Jordan crew so he doesn't compromise his Oscar chances. Tracy calls for another rehearsal from the top so he can get the scene perfect -- "Because 'Perfection' is my middle name: Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy." As Tracy gets to work, a devious smile crosses Lemon's face.
Back in the writers' room, the staffers map out their plan of escape. Pete thinks everyone has a skill that can help them in their quest to Frank's mom's house in Queens. The only one left out is Lutz. He surprises the other by saying he has a car. The only snag is that it only fits four people. They devise to have a competition to earn a spot in Lutz's car.
Out in the corridor, Lemon approaches Tracy, who is followed by the camera crew, and ropes him into staying late and doing all the work he's been avoiding for the last five years. Since he can't act up in front of the producers, he has to put on a pained smile and agree to her demands. He assures her that he didn't have plans, certainly not buying two blimps and crashing them into each other to see what sound they made. The producer begs them to hash out whatever conflict exists between them, perhaps one that ends in a racial slur. Instead, Lemon informs Tracy that he's going to attend a fundraiser at her cousin's dance studio. Lemon asks, "So we're good?" Tracy grits his teeth and responds, "Never better. I'm as happy as a clam who wants to shoot some woman." They part ways, smiling broadly and shooting daggers into each other with their eyes.
Studio. Jack coaches Robert DeNiro on his performance for the various telethons they're pre-taping. DeNiro seems uncomfortable with this plan, but Jack threatens that he'll feed MSNBC the information that DeNiro actually grew up in England. So the taping begins. About the time DeNiro gets to "These super-intelligent sharks..." Jack knows he has a cash cow on his hands. Perhaps a rabid one that will attack a dairy farm!
Lemon enters Tracy's dressing room to lay some more responsibilities on him. Instead of smiling and playing along, Tracy sings his refusal to the tune of "Uptown Girl." He has found a loophole: The reality producers can't use any licensed music. He uses it to brilliant effect, sing-songing that Lemon is a "four-eyed douche" and a "dirty ho." Flustered, Lemon joins in the song, albeit with less skillful rhyming, and they have it out to Billy Joel's greatest hits. She backs away, blasting the "Whooooooooa" part at him. He snaps and whoas right back, and it seems they have reached a stalemate.
Jenna tapes her song for the benefit against a green screen:
The thing that happened
Was so sad.
We can't believe it got so bad
When the stuff we know occurred, went down!
So find it in your heart,
Step up and do your part,
And help the people,
The thing that happened, happened to.
Help the people,
The thing that happened, happened to!
Jack applauds and congratulates her, "Fantastic, Jenna. You really brought the song-writing computer's words to life!" Lemon walks in, still in disbelief that Jack is carrying out this scheme. He says all he needs now is a disaster. Lemon offers up her Tracy disaster and updates him that she needs $80,000 to purchase "Uptown Girl" and close the loophole. Jack tells Lemon she'll never out-crazy Tracy and advises her to have it out with him like adults. She thinks that plan is doomed to fail because Tracy is an actor, not an adult.
Writers' room. Everyone is feeding Lutz, rubbing his feet, and the like in an effort to sway his decision. He swells that he feels like The Bachelor and wonders "To whom shall I give my rose?" The sycophants let out a coordinated peel of laughter. He reminds them ominously that only three of them can ride to safety in his car, so Pete smiles and feeds him another hot dog. Cut to the bathroom, where Lutz confesses nervously, "I don't have a car!"
Out in the corridor, Tracy crosses paths with Lemon, who is carting a computer and a microphone. She tells him she's rigged up her computer to Auto-Tune and will remove the melody from anything he sings to expose him for the lazy bastard he is. She says into the microphone, "Liz Lemon won, do-do-do," and explains that she was singing those words to the tune of "Here Comes the Sun." But Tracy's one step ahead of her. He puts a New York Rangers hockey helmet on his head and tells Lemon and the producer that he's leaving to shoot garden gnomes at Tupac's house. Yep, he's still alive. Of course, Queen of Jordan can't use any of this footage because the Rangers logo is trademarked. Lemon concedes that Jack was right and pulls Tracy into his dressing room to talk without the cameras. In essence, they both think they saved the other's career. While Lemon thinks Tracy would be hawking jet skis at a boat show, Tracy thinks Lemon would be teaching acting at a nursing home with Dennis still bossing her around. Lemon tries to shoot back that Dennis dies and she wins the lottery in her alternate reality, but Tracy one-ups her, saying he'd run her over with a jet ski. Yep. You can't out-crazy Tracy. Point, Jordan.
Jack calls Jonathan into his office to tell him the good news: A natural disaster is upon us. Jonathan hopes cataclysm has befallen Indian Kashmir, but Jack dashes his hopes and tells him a typhoon hit Mago, an island near Fiji. With intense structural damage but no fatalities, it strikes the perfect balance between sadness and potential. Jack's eyes glisten as he envisions the "footage of beautiful Polynesian people, proud and topless. Maybe a pelican... near some diapers..." Jonathan squeals that their plan needs a code name. Jack's already settled that: Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning.
Downstairs, the producer shows Lemon and Tracy an edited version of their argument that he shot through a crack in the door to Tracy's dressing room. Lemon tells him indignantly that she looks weird in the shots because she's snarting. Tracy considers that another betrayal. They demand the producer bury the footage, but he tells them they must film a happy ending. They remain unwilling to compromise and walk off in a huff.
Meanwhile, Lutz cracks the whip on Kenneth as he wheels Lutz into the writers' room in a wagon. Pete skips up to give Lutz the apocalypse road trip mix he made for him and says he hopes Lutz's car has a CD player. Lutz assures him it has two -- and flames on the side. Frank runs in with tickets to a test screening of the Captain America movie. Toofer asks who Lutz is going to take to the screening and everyone gathers around to make googly eyes and/or take off items of clothing. Frank tells him to hurry and make his decision because they have to get to New Jersey by six o'clock. Lutz wonders how they'll get there. D'oh! Cut to Lutz in the bathroom, wailing, "What am I gonna doooooo?!"
Upstairs, Jonathan fretfully tells Jack to turn on the news. Lester Holt comes on the screen to deliver the news that Mago is Mel Gibson's private island, and the only damage sustained was to his house and the house for his cars. Says Holt, "No word yet on the fate of Gibson's collection of anti-Semitic and misogynistic literature." Jack sprints downstairs to shut down the telethon. He has to stop at the elevator, where he sees an interview with Mel's brother Oskar Gibson, an ardent Holocaust denier. He gets downstairs. While he's looking for the right room, he hears that Mel was entertaining Jon Gosselin at the time of the typhoon. By the time Jack gets to the edit room, it's too late. Jenna asks in her pre-taped segment, "Why do bad things happen to good people? We'll never know." Images of Mel and Jon Gosselin flash as she tells the audience, "Look at these pictures, look at these beautiful souls." She tells them that every dollar will go to rebuilding Mel Gibson's sex Jacuzzi then launches into her song. Jack drops his head into his hands and sheds tears of defeat.
That night, Lutz rolls up in a brand new car with the dealer's sticker in the window, no plates, and flames that were obviously slapped on with magic marker and electrical tape. The writers call his bluff and call him pathetic. He runs after them, dropping to his knees and begging them to be his friend. At which point a crook jumps into the open door of the running car and drives off.
Up in her office, Lemon flips distastefully away from the telethon and lands on Queen of Jordan. The violin strains of OneRepublic's "Secret" begin to play on the show as Lemon and Tracy walk toward each other. What follows is a cobbled scene of their argument and reconciliation, which was filmed using the "reality TV magic" of stunt doubles who look absolutely nothing like Lemon and Tracy. Still, the two of them, who are watching the show in separate rooms, can't help but get emotional and remember the good times they had together. They meet in the hallway to hug it out for real. Tracy gets his boob squish after all!
Bonus! Lemon walks into Jack's office. It's filled with gift baskets and presents. He tells her the telethon was the highest rating "since that episode of SVU where the detectives watched American Idol." Then things get pretty meta. Lemon espouses the value of crafting a story with an ending, rather than slapping some musical on top of some meaningful looks and making things seem resolved. Cue her and Jack exchanging loaded glances to the tune of "Secrets." She walks out, looks back. She walks out some more, then hops to a karate stance, and he reciprocates. She turns and walks out again, finishing with the John Bender fist pump.
So tell me what jokes you want to hear. Something that were like those years. I'm sick of all the insincere. I'm gonna give all my jokes away...
Deep Thoughts by Liz Lemon
Lemon: It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York. It's still fun to look up and pretend that all the buildings are giant, severed robot penises.
Jack: Be quiet, Lemon.
File Under: What Is Kenneth?
Kenneth: I hope I photograph okay, because when I look in a mirror there's just a white haze.
Keepin' It Real
Jack: Do you know what pays for your show, Lemon?
Lemon: Our product placement deal with Sullivan's Psychiatric Clinic. "Sullivan's Psychiatric -- You'll drool over our crazy prices!"
Jack: Reality TV. A woman with hundruplets, a live execution, The Real Transvestite Hoarders of Orange County Penitentiary.
Lemon: Ugh, that show is upsetting. Why does the warden let Lady Extravaganza have so many spoons?
Survival: All-Schmoes
Pete: We've got a wide skill set for any post-apocalyptic scenario. I'm good at archery and kind of want to die.
Frank: I can use my glasses to start a fire. Toofer can get us through black, gay, and nerd-controlled neighborhoods. Cerie will be some sort of queen in the new society.
German Writer: I will do sex with cannibals as needed!
Kenneth: I can talk to animals... well, not talk to 'em. I can take commands from 'em!
Pete: Huh, Lutz... what can he do?
Frank: Well, he's slow and a coward.
Disaster Options, Take One
Robert DeNiro: I don't know, Jack, this doesn't feel right.
Jack: Bob, it's for charity. And if you don't do it, I'll have MSNBC tell the world that you grew up in England.
Robert DeNiro [in a dreadful English accent]: But I'm so identified with New York, you bloody tossah!
Jack: Bob!
Robert DeNiro: Okay!
Production Assistant: Disaster options, take one.
Robert DeNiro: We'll always remember where we were when we heard that tornado had hit a handgun factory... Two days ago, when people thought of a mudslide, they just thought of getting drunk in an Applebee's, but now we know it as the thing that destroyed Denver... When the birds first started attacking us, we all thought it was pretty funny and made Hitchcock jokes, but we're not laughing now because our laughter excites the birds sexually... This devastating wildfire... This horrible flood... This wonderful flood that put out that devastating wildfire... These super-intelligent sharks...
The Inanity of Insanity
Jack: Lemon, it sounds like you're trying to fight crazy with crazy.
Lemon: Yeah because crazy is the only language that Tracy is fluent in.
Jack: But you'll never out-crazy Tracy, so why don't you have it out with him once and for all like two adults?
Lemon: Because we're not two adults, Jack. One of us is an actor, and actors are not people.
Jenna [in the background]: Someone get a P.A. to feed me baby food, or I will drop a D in the green room! [crew members scurry around anxiously] Yeah, last week you thought I was crying wolf, didn't ya?
Both Sides Now
Lemon: All right, Tracy, the kid gloves are coming off.
Tracy: Oh, that explains it. Those are gloves. No wonder they're so coarse and wrinkly.
Lemon: Five years ago, I rescued your career. And how do you repay me? By making my life harder at every turn. You are late, you blow off rehearsals, and your online romance prank was not funny. I fell in love with you!
Tracy: Hahahahaha. You wore a yellow hat to that coffee shop. You know what's actually funny about all this? You think I'm the problem. Have you ever tried to work with you?
Lemon: Really? You're trying to blame me?
Tracy: Five years ago, I saved your show. I rode on here in a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby.
Whack Magic
Producer: Now I just need a heartfelt resolution, so we're going to use a little reality TV magic. We call it staging it... or lying. We'll shoot you guys meeting in the hallway, you apologize, you hug...
Lemon: You are disgusting, and I have absolutely no reason to apologize to him.
Tracy: And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
Lemon: If I hugged you, I would angle it so that you got no boob!
Tracy: And I would anticipate your angling, and I would get there! I would get there.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see whether 30 Rock is a good place to work!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!