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Jack blissfully returns from his island wedding. The only snag is that the French-speaking minister accidentally married him to Lemon, who unfortunately wore a white dress and a veil-like mosquito net hat when she stepped in as best man at the last minute. Jack has but a few days to rectify the situation while Avery attends a Chinese economic summit. Lemon proves the holdout when budget cuts take away many of the niceties to which she and her fellow TGS-ers are accustomed. He tries to wear her down by hiring Angie as an intern, but Lemon sees through the ruse. Amidst the ruins of their crumbling relationship, HR rep Jeffrey Weinerslav requires the newlyweds to stop by his office and prove they're not engaged in some sort of nepotistic arrangement. Of course they are, but in the end their chat with Weinerslav reminds them of all the good they bring to each other's life. They each compromise in order to end their marriage and mend their friendship.
As a result of the budget cuts, Danny and Jenna are also forced into a strained union sharing a dressing room. They immediately squabble like old marrieds, and Kenneth finds himself in the eye of the storm. Taking advice from Pete, he offers himself as a human buffer in hopes they'll stop fighting. As you might expect, the plan fails remarkably, sending Danny to the Y and Kenneth, one suspects, to years of therapy.
Following a dreadful diagnosis by the always correct Dr. Leo Spaceman, Tracy believes his days are numbered. He worries how Angie and the kids will fare when he's not there to support them. They turn to Jack, who offers Angie an internship with TGS. When that blows up in everyone's face, Angie gets pissed, pulls a bitch's weave, and proves she has what it takes to helm her own utterly watchable reality show. Not bad for a day's non-work.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Jonathan wishes Jack a happy new year and congratulations on his recent nuptials. He hopes to give Jack his present, but once Jack vetoes the gift of song, Jonathan makes do by whipping off his own belt. Jack tells him about the tropical island ceremony, including the French-speaking officiant. Jonathan bursts into song at the details, but Jack shushes him by shoving the belt back into his hands. Jack says the only hiccup at the wedding was when his best man took ill (after eating some bad toucan, naturally), so Lemon had to step in. Jack opens an envelope that just arrived from the island where he was married. Inside is his wedding certificate. When Jack looks down, horror washes over his face, and Jonathan screams like a howler monkey. Credits.
Downstairs, Lemon runs into an uncharacteristically punctual Tracy. Lest ye worry, he excuses himself for the day as soon as he arrives. Lemon carries on into Jenna's dressing room, where she finds one busy bee of an Asian fellow, who screams at her in his native tongue, "Nerds only!" Does he not see her glasses and outfit? Pete informs Lemon that Jack is renting out space on their floor so that he can keep the budget down. Jenna's dressing room is now the makeshift home of an IT company, the green room now houses an NBC Experience store, and they'll have to work their rehearsals in between Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.
Lemon promises to talk to Jack about these inconveniences. She figures he'll be in a good mood since he's still in the honeymoon phase. Pete asks how the wedding was, and she tells him it was a disorganized nightmare and that she lost her luggage on the way there. Luckily she had all "the essentials" in her carry-on, including toiletries, closed-toe shoes, and a mosquito head net. As Lemon rants about Avery wearing a black dress, the unprofessional petal pacing of the (four-year-old) flower girl and the monkeys in attendance(?), Jonathan streaks in like greased lightning and demands her presence in Jack's office immediately.
She heads upstairs where Jack informs her that the Francophone minister actually married the two of them, not Jack and Avery. Flash back to Jack kissing Avery at the end of the ceremony, then the minister reckoning that Lemon is "very European" and wondering if he and Lemon could get their swing on, too. Lemon, whose resolution was to say "yes" more, offers a chipper "Oui!" at which point we mercifully cut back to the present. Lemon stresses out immediately, screaming that "Hitler and Martha Stewart would have hated" Jack's disorganized wedding. He promises to rectify the situation immediately, but does note that it was a natural mistake for the minister to think that the woman in the white dress and a veil (make that government-sanctioned head net) was the bride, especially as she held on to Jack's arm. Lemon squawks that it was for balance. Lemon apologizes for roping Jack into another of her adventures. He insists that he's the protagonist of this little episode and vows to have the situation set right before Avery returns from an economic conference in China. With that, Lemon leaves his office, making some wifely remarks along the way just for funsies. [Cue breakable pottery thrown at closing door. A classic! - Zach]
Elsewhere, it's Dr. Leo Spaceman! He gives Tracy a bleak prognosis, saying he's got a weakened system unlike any he's ever seen on a still-living person before. Tracy wonders who will take care of his family. Dr. Spaceman says minor changes in diet and exercise could make a huge difference. Tracy brushes it off, all, "Well, we tried!" Dr. Spaceman consoles him, saying his family will be financially set for life. Then, like a good doctor, he offers him a lollipop and warns, "Now, this could literally kill you."
Back at 30 Rock, Kenneth carts Jenna's wardrobe into Danny's dressing room and thanks him for sharing space with Jenna. They immediately start bickering like an old married couple, including Jenna's barb, "I'm not the one who forgot our one-minute anniversary!"
Writers' room. Jeffrey Weinerslav updates the staffers on their downsized benefits in the wake of the Kabletown merger. The guys beg Lemon to ask her "boyfriend" Jack to remedy all the cuts they're suffering, and this ding prompts Lemon to tell them about her mistaken marriage to Jack. Weinerslav informs her of the company's strict anti-nepotism guidelines and recommends she and Jack visit his office to discuss their changed relationship. She insists the marriage isn't real and that they're getting a divorce. He tisks, "That's what Ann Curry and Subas the janitor tried to tell me. That was five years ago." Pete suddenly realizes that Lemon has leverage over Jack and makes Lemon promise not to sign any papers until they get their budgets, benefits and space back. Lemon finds herself in a quandary, until she learns that her secret bathroom is being threatened. She then gasps, "I have to talk to my husband!"
That night, Lemon visits Jack's office to present her demands. Jack pulls out a handy pie chart to demonstrate NBC's priorities: 1.) The Biggest Loser (about 90%), 2.) Make It 1997 Again Through Science Or Magic (about 9.5%), and 3.) Everything Else (0.5%). Since TGS falls into that third category, he's going to have to deny her request. She denies his denial and insists he make her show a priority. He reminds her, "Your show netted $600 dollars last year. Your parents had to buy an ad." At that, she pulls out the big guns and threatens to not sign the divorce papers unless her conditions are met. He tells her to think carefully before blackmailing him. She says she has, so he tells her he's happy to do things the hard way.
Another day, another bout of bickering between Danny and Jenna. She thinks his Montreal Alouettes poster was tacky, just like his mother's chain e-mails. Kenneth stumbles upon the discord and scurries over to Pete's office to ask how Pete and his wife make up after a fight. Pete pulls out the scotch (drinking both of the poured glasses) as he regales Kenneth with how he uses his children as a buffer. Kenneth ponders how he can devise a buffer for Jenna and Danny.
Tracy and his wife Angie join Jack in Tracy's dressing room. He apologizes for being late, saying his alarm clock "died in a cockfight last night." He updates Jack on his grim diagnosis. Jack takes it in stride, assuring him they have Martin Lawrence on retainer. Angie chimes in to say that she's more concerned that Tracy's family will be taken care of. Jack offers to help her learn the ropes of the entertainment business so she eventually can make up for Tracy's lost income. She is excited to start on the bottom, as long as she never has to take orders from anyone. Such promise!
Walking into her office, Lemon finds Angie getting spiffed up by her hairdresser. Angie tells Lemon that she couldn't let her new internship at the show get in the way of her day-to-day life, and also that she'll be taking the week off for a ski trip. Lemon assumes Angie's new job is Jack's way of messing with her in light of their rocky divorce. Angie gets defensive that her presence might "mess with" Lemon and plays the "strong black woman" card. Lemon digs herself further into a hole when she says Angie isn't a servant, because she's not being paid. "You're really like... oh boy." Lemon tells Angie she doesn't have time to mentor anyone. Angie asks what's happening, and her hairdresser chimes in that she just got fired.
Jenna and Danny's dressing room. Kenneth The Human Buffer breaks up another of their angry fights by showing them a childish picture he drew of them. Jenna tells him it's awful, but Danny says he should hang it on the wall. Kenneth steps on a chair to hang the picture and falls as he steps down. Jenna and Danny descend into a fight. His argument: She coddles Kenneth. Her point: Danny is half a man. His return: "You're ruining my life!" Jenna's counter: "What life?"
Upstairs, Jacks asks Lemon why he has an appointment with Weinerslav scheduled for the day. He says his life has only gotten worse since they got married. She calls him out for sending Angie to throw her off. She finally escaped by hiding in a news closet until Subas and Ann Curry came in to steam up the place. She finishes and turns to see that Angie has found her. Angie calls both of them trash for making her and her family a pawn in their petty games. Then she pulls out a piece of Lemon's weave, a.k.a. her actual hair. Jack placates her by promising her a reality show during TGS's time slot. That is, unless Lemon will sign the divorce papers. Lemon says she'll happily watch Angie's show in their marital home.
She heads downstairs and tells Pete about Jack's latest gambit in their acrimonious divorce. She asks how to fight back. Pete tells her never to back down. Jenna joins their conversation and chimes in, "Oh, I hear ya. I mean, take Danny... please!" Yuk yuk. Pete also thinks Lemon needs to find Jack's weakness "and then viciously exploit it. That's what marriage is."
Elsewhere, Jenna and Danny break the news to Kenneth that Danny is moving to the Y. They promise always to be Kenneth's Danny and Jenna, just not together. Adds Danny, "And don't think for one second this means we love you any less. Know that it means that."
Jack's apartment. Jonathan calls and tells Jack to turn on the television. Lemon is decked out in a Jackie O. get-up as she holds a press conference announcing her and Jack's $5 million donation to found The Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy High School for Teen Drama, The Arts, and Feelings. She calls them both "embarrassed Americans" and pledges to foster a new generation of choreographers, puppeteers, video artists, and theatrical jugglers "who will ask the world, 'What is Art?'" Jack is mortified.
The day, the happy couple report to their meeting with Weinerslav. He tells them it's been a real hoot to watch their "will they, won't they" courtship. He starts to get into the nitty gritty, but they cut him off with their squabbling about his scheming, her public humiliations, and their rapidly dissolving friendship. Nope, no nepotism here. Weinerslav veers back to the topic at hand, and it seems that Jack and Lemon have all the signs of nepotism. As he runs down the list of all their shared high jinks and quirks, they wistfully realize that theirs is, in fact, the longest and most meaningful relationship either of them has ever had. They apologize for the blackmails and threats. Lemon commits to sign the papers, and Jack concedes to lay off the budget cuts. Weinerslav wants to move on to another relationship exercise: Word association. As soon as "Foreplay" comes out of his mouth, Jack declares the meeting over.
Bonus: The Real Housewives-style intro to Angie's new show: "I'm Angie, I think elegance and attitude are the same thing. And I have IBS." From the gay hairdresser: "I'm D'Fwan, and I just want to be accepted for who I am -- a sexual maniac." From the hilarious fat friend: "I'm Portia. I don't care what anyone says, I keep the 3D glasses." From the crazy-eyed white lady: "I'm Randi, with an 'i.' My ex-husband's new girlfriend is cheating on him... with me." And from Angie's no-goodnik nephew: "Do you have any meth?" Presenting Queen of Jordan: "It's my way 'til pay day!"
These are the jokes, and they will redefine your ideas about fluffers...
Come Again?
Tracy: Liz Lemon, I want it to be noted that I am here on time. This is a new year and a fresh start for me. Now I gotta go.
Lemon: Where are you going?
Tracy: I'm hosting the International Pornography Awards, and I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly into the arena in a penis-shaped parachute.
Diagnosis Murda
Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, you are going to die...
Tracy: What? No!
Dr. Spaceman: ...when I tell you who I'm dating. Squeaky Fromme. She is... difficult. Anywho, I have the results of your physical. Tracy, you are going to die...
Tracy: What? No!
Dr. Spaceman: You have no reflexes, your blood tastes like root beer, and some of your bones appear to have vanished. Now, I've only ever seen this kind of thing on dead people during Operation: Desert Storm. I actually wrote a report on it, but my commander refused to pass it on up to Saddam. Kooky times!
Tracy: But I can't die, Dr. Spaceman! Who will be there to raise my kids if I'm not around to pay someone to raise my kids?
Cats in Chaps, FTW!
Jack: We'll do this divorce the hard way. But I'm warning you, this isn't my first rodeo, Lemon.
Lemon: Well I've been to a rodeo, too. It was a cat rodeo in a gay guy's apartment.
Fluffer, Nutter
Kenneth: Mr. Hornberger, do you and your wife ever fight?
Pete: Not all the time. After her hysterectomy, she was in a coma briefly.
Kenneth: How do y'all make up?
Pete: Look, Paula and I love each other, but two people living together? It's unnatural. And while our children are basically snot silos with BB guns, they do come in handy... as a buffer.
Kenneth: Is that like being a fluffer? Because I have done that and did not enjoy it. Blow-drying animals at a pet salon is hard work.
Pete: A buffer is a protective barrier.
Kenneth: Like pigs have around their delicious testicle meat!
And They Should Have Called It Angie-oplasty
Jack: I should never have made you an intern. You're a star!
Angie: That's right. I am!
Jack: Entertainment is where untalented people go to get rich. And you have all the makings of a reality superstar -- hair pullingness, delusions of grandeur, an insanely short fuse, catchphrases...
Angie: It's my way 'til pay day!
Jack: That's the T-shirt. I should give you your own reality show. Friday nights, 11 o'clock.
Lemon: That is when TGS... or wrestling is on!
Jack: I guess I could reconsider the time slot in exchange for your signature.
Lemon: Ugh, you know what? I'm calling your bluff. You're not giving her a TV show.
Angie: FYI, I am friends with a hilarious fat girl and a crazy-eyed divorced white lady who wants to be in the music business.
Lemon: Ohhhh, I'd watch that! Can D'Fwan be on it?
Angie: Uh-huh. With his even gayer boyfriend.
Lemon: Okay fine. Give her her own show, and I will watch it. On our TV, in our house, because I'm not signing anything. This is not over.
Angie: Do you think my meth addict nephew should be on the show?
Lemon: Yes, please!
Signs of Nepotism
Jeffrey Weinerslav: Does the employee spend an inordinate amount of time in the employer's office compared to other employees?
Jack: Well, yes, I suppose, but only because Miss Lemon is incapable of doing anything on her own.
Lemon: Please. Half the time when I go up there, it's to help you choose a tie, and they're all red or blue.
Jack: Where I come from, if you have more than two colors on a tie, it means you're looking for a certain kind of bar.
Jeffrey Weinerslav: Are all workday conversations business-related, or do personal issues often dominate discussion? Including, but not limited to: mothers, diarrhea, having babies, problems in the bedroom, neckties, food issues, foot disorders, having it all--
Jack: Okay, yes. In the past, we have advised each other.
Lemon: For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice, but he rightly pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.
Jack: And Lemon is the only one of my subordinates who's not afraid to warn me when I'm being too authoritative or handsome.
Lemon: Or when you have eye boogers.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then check out our guide to the show's best and worst guest stars!
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.