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Lemon thinks she can avoid holiday dysfunction by spending Christmas Eve in transit. Instead, she finds herself with Jack, who has kept his and Avery's lovechild from Colleen. Even after Jack comes clean, Colleen refuses to accept the Protestant bastard, so he retaliates by inviting his hippie-dippy father Milton -- the man Colleen kept from him for 50 years and whom she still doesn't know that Jack knows about -- to Christmas dinner. All the while Lemon stands by, glugging wine uncomfortably. Colleen inevitably fakes an arrhythmia, lands herself in the hospital, and gets everyone back on her side. Lemon realizes there's no dysfunction like that of your own family, and Jack relishes the chance to experience life with two parents -- even if they're both yelling at him.
Tracy discovers even he is not immune to the Norbert effect and tries to delay the release of Chunk 2, a substandard comedy he filmed prior to his dramatic turn in Golden Globe-nominated Hard to Watch. Amidst charity screenings and slideshows about Darfur, Kenneth reminds Tracy that comedy is just as valuable to the human spirit as tragedy.
When Jenna receives an invitation to Tom Ford and Elton John's New Queer's Eve party, she becomes forlorn that her costume options have been limited because she is no longer with Paul/'Gina. Lemon recognizes that Jenna is sad about more than costumes and speaks to Paul. (S)He visits Jenna, and they set aside their differences to join together in a truly perverse and appropriate rendition of "O Holy Night."
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Lemon wishes Jack a merry Christmas Eve Eve. He ask her if she's busy the day, and she invites him to join her in her exciting plans to shop at the Penn Station Kmart and watch Tootsie. She explains that she's devised a new plan of traveling on holidays so she misses the dysfunctional family fireworks. She expects this year to be a real spectacle, since her aunt Linda is bringing a much younger, much more ethnic boyfriend, and her uncle "is bringing his date -- alcoholism." Jack invites her to enjoy Christmas Eve with him. Since Colleen will be in town, Lemon will have someone with whom to bitch about all those young floozies who refuse to wear pantyhose these days.
Lemon heads into the studio to film the final promo for Kabletown, but Tracy -- now decked out in a beret and Dieter's all-black ensemble from Sprockets -- refuses to participate. He thinks that, as an actor, it's his responsibility to "tell the truth, hold a mirror to humanity, and sell Proactiv." He says he refuses to spout her lies and walks out. Pete mentions that Tracy has been acting like Sean Penn ever since he was nominated for a Golden Globe. Lemon snarks, "Well, they have both had screaming fights with Wyclef Jean." She powers through, expecting that Jenna will be happy that she now has twice as many lines. Instead, Jenna is a weepy mess. Lemon asks what's wrong, so Jenna hands her the invitation she just received to Elton John and Tom Ford's New Queer's Eve party, where all the guests dress up as a pop culture phenomenon from the year. Jenna and Paul were going to plan their costume as a couple. Now that they're broken up, Jenna doesn't see any point in going. "This party means so much to me," she blubbers, "I don't know what I'm going to do without it." Lemon quickly realizes Jenna is really talking about Paul, but Jenna denies it. As she walks off, Pete announces he just got an e-mail saying they're off the hook because NBC wants Kabletown promos from everyone but TGS. Lemon claps half-heartedly, "Good year, everyone!" Credits.
Jack's office. Avery reads Jack the card they send out together. "Happy Holidays..." she flips it open, "...is what terrorists say. Merry Christmas, Avery and Jack." They hear a knock on the door, and Avery instinctively grabs a large vase of poinsettias to cover her bump. Lemon enters, so Avery drops her guard as Jack explains that Avery is keeping her pregnancy a secret at work -- hence her show from the night before, when she was inexplicably holding a glazed ham in a top hat in front of her midsection. Lemon says she's bringing dessert the day and asks if there are any foods that are making Avery sick, though she's really angling to bring a half sleeve of Oreos she has stashed away. Avery tells her it doesn't matter, because she's spending the holidays with her family. Lemon thinks it's strange, and when Jack says something about Colleen being frail, Lemon immediately realizes and blurts out that Jack must not have told his mother that Avery is pregnant. Lemon tells an enraged Avery that she's been watching a lot of The Mentalist since she lost her remote control, and she can tell from Jack's body language that he hasn't told Colleen about the baby and that he wants to kill the person to his right. Lemon jumps a little when she realizes she is, in fact, the person to Jack's right.
Jack claims he hasn't found the "right time" to tell Colleen about her granddaughter, so Lemon and Avery descend on him in a tsunami of squeaks and squeals. Jack tells them it's the Donaghy way to suppress any and all delicate matters until they "erupt in a fistfight at a church barbecue." Avery flings her bump-concealing purse into Lemon's arm and says that she knows where Jack's coming from -- "The symbol on the Jessup family crest is a knight refusing to talk about his feelings" -- but that the baby is good news, not bad. Jack says Colleen would look down on his relationship with Avery because they're not married. Lemon points out that Colleen did the very same thing herself and asks how Colleen reacted when Jack told her that he found his real father. Jack's halting body language informs "The MentaLiz" that Jack has not actually come clean to Colleen about that either. Avery and Lemon rejoin the chorus of jabbering at Jack, who stands back and takes it.
Downstairs, Kenneth enters Tracy's dressing room to deliver him the DVD of Chunks 2, the highly anticipated sequel to his knock-off of Tyler Perry's Nutty Professor and Big Momma's House. Kenneth thinks it's a very important movie because "Obesity is killing the African-American community... with laughter!" Tracy tells Kenneth that he bought the rights to the movie and is planning to block its distribution. He won't be Norbert-ed in his EGOT-ing. Kenneth says he thought Tracy enjoyed acting like a fool. Tracy coldly claims he doesn't, then breaks down within seconds and admits he's lying. He says making people laugh is the one thing he truly loves, but he worries it will destroy his new image as an ac-TOR. He has put a lot of legwork into becoming serious, including the horrifying task of going on Charlie Rose. He vows, "From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the Holocaust, Georgia O'Keeffe, or both!"
Jack's ushers Colleen into his apartment and dispenses of the news quickly. Colleen deems it a disgrace, asking, "What are my chums at the Death Shore Retirement Community going to say when I tell them that my unmarried son has knocked up a Protestant?!" Jack tells Colleen she always ruins the good moments in his life, like when he won a college scholarship in high school. Colleen screams back, "It should have gone to the other boy!" He tells her this is exactly why he's kept the news from her for seven months. She is incensed that he's hiding secrets, so he obliquely refers to the secrets she's kept from him. Of course he means his father Milton Green (Alan Alda), but Colleen takes it to another place: "Most people think I was a hero for killing Lydia's parrot." While Jack puzzles over that confession, Colleen retires to her room so she can "think about more comments... for tomorrow." Jack swiftly retaliates by calling Milton and inviting him to be the guest of honor at his Christmas dinner.
Lemon visits Paul/'Gina at work at the tranny roller diner to talk about Jenna. "I don't think I've seen her this upset since Hurricane Katrina," says Lemon, adding, "The coverage pre-empted a tampon commercial she was in." Paul says it's over between Jenna and him and skates off. The tranager skates by, telling Lemon, "You can't be on the floor without your roller skates, Rick." Lemon screams out that she's not Rick, and we cut to a glimpse of Rick, the trannified manifestation of Lemon indeed.
Jack readies everything at his apartment as Lemon arrives, apologizing that she finished her contribution to dessert in the cab. Jack welcomes her to his "Christmas Attack Zone," then adds that Milton is on his way, and Colleen is completely unaware. He pours Lemon a glass of white wine as she wishes she were enjoying a drama-free dinner at the corner table of the Kmart cafe instead. The door rings, and Jack notes that Milton is also unaware that Colleen will be in attendance. Jack eagerly anticipates their explosive interaction, which he explains will probably override Milton's hippie pacifist leanings since Jack "once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk into whipping a battery at her." Jack goes to answer the door, and Lemon downs the whole glass of wine at once.
Jack escorts in chipper Milton, who says "This is going to be the best Winter's Eve Light Festival ever!" Jack rolls his eyes as Milton wishes Lemon "a happy whatever you believe in, too!" Lemon stops the madness and reveals that Jack has an ulterior motive for inviting Milton down to the city. Jack skips the Colleen part and tells Milton he's going to be a grandfather. Milton happily spins some poetry, then tells Lemon she's already showing. Lemon clarifies that she's not the baby mama and spills the beans that Jack invited Milton to ambush Colleen. Jack explains that Colleen looks down on his arrangement with Avery. Milton says Colleen is in no position to judge Jack and should read his new book, There's No Wrong Way To Make a Family. Milton just happens to have brought a copy for Jack and presents it to him. On the cover? You average nuclear family: A witch, an F2M transsexual, and their black wheelchair-bound son and burka-wearing daughter. Milton thinks Colleen's disapproval is hypocritical and promises to give her a piece of his mind at dinner.
At that point, Avery arrives. Jack left her a message contrived to anger her and bring her back as his ally against Colleen. Lemon shakes her head at his machinations. Milton meets Avery for the first time and wonders how Colleen could ever disapprove of such a lovely young woman. He tells Avery of his family's tradition of letting the child name him or herself. Avery and Jack immediately dismiss this as hippie nonsense, but Milton says it worked out for his son Spider-Man. Lemon interjects to cast aspersions on their plan to ambush Colleen for his past mistakes. She says everyone makes mistakes. For example, "I once French-kissed a dog at a party to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old." She tells them to calm down while she warns Colleen what's in store. Jack points her to Colleen's room, telling everyone once she's out of earshot that he's sent her to the confusing East Wing that was designed by M.C. Escher. A second later, Lemon cries out, "These stairs are weird!" Jack walks toward Colleen's actual room and deviously calls out to her that dinner is ready.
Back at 30 Rock, Tracy and his entourage stumble upon Kenneth's attempt at making the corridor homey. He swears it's not because he's spending Christmas at work and promises that the two trash cans dressed up like people aren't meant to be his parents. Tracy tells Kenneth he's picking up a "serious outfit" from wardrobe for a charity event he's hosting that night. Dot Com explains that all the celebrities are doing holiday philanthropy, including Russell Crowe, who's holding an auction to benefit the victims of his own mood swings. Tracy tells Kenneth he's put together a screening of Hard To Watch for a women's shelter, and it's sure to be depressing. Just like his Darfur slideshow at Ludachristmas. Tracy thinks he has no choice because people won't take him seriously as a comedian. Kenneth argues that comedy is just as important as drama in these tough times.
Back at Jack's apartment, Colleen makes a grand entrance as she introduces herself to Avery, a.k.a. "the bag that my bastard grandchild will come in." Avery wishes her a merry Christmas, gifting her with a brief moment of feeling superior. Colleen asks if Avery is drunk "because you know when you're pregnant, one bottle of wine a day and that's it!" And into the fracas walks Milton, who Jack re-introduces to Colleen as "your shameful sex secret." Colleen immediately sees what Jack's up to. Milton berates her for 50 years of father-son experiences he missed out on with Jack -- things like cross-country road trips in a VW van in which Jack would clearly want no part. Avery takes Colleen to task for judging them when she's been no angel herself. Just then, Lemon stumbles out from a hidden passageway behind a book case, candelabra in hand. She immediately takes in the scene and tells Colleen she tried to stop the surprise attack. Jack asks Colleen what she has to say for herself, and for the first time perhaps ever, Colleen is speechless.
30 Rock. Jenna looks through a photo album of her relationship with Paul. She pauses on a picture of them in front of some swans and gasps. She immediately calls Lemon, who is happy to take a break from the tense dinner. Jenna says her life is ruined because she's come up with the perfect costume for New Queer's Eve but can't execute it without Paul. Lemon becomes fed up with the drama surrounding her on the one day she designed to be drama-free. She tells Jenna she's upset about Paul, not about the party. Jenna counters, "It's about the party. I want to eat shrimp off an old gay dressed as Baby New Year!" With that appetizing image in mind, Lemon hangs up and checks on Colleen, who is sitting by herself in a corner. She tells Lemon she's planning her move and that the fireworks haven't even begun yet. Like mother, like son, she adds, "Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone!"
Meanwhile, Tracy -- who has added to his outfit an oversized nameplate necklace that reads "POVERTY" -- introduces the film to the ladies of the battered women's shelter: "You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror up to your own terrible lives. You're going to see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster." Even as he speaks, Tracy hears the echo of Kenneth's advice. He turns to Dot Com, who reminds Tracy that Kenneth rode to the shelter with them. Tracy realizes that laughter is the best medicine, tears off his beret, and decides to screen Chunks 2: A Very Chunky Christmas after all. The audience is immediately in hysterics, and Kenneth gives Tracy the thumbs-up.
Back at the Christmas Attack Zone, Lemon is attempting to escape when Colleen staggers into the room complaining of numbness in her left arm. Jack tells everyone to ignore her, but they all run over. Avery bombards her with a series of questions, explaining that she knows her way around a heart attack after a few rich men died on top of her. Colleen keeps up the theatrics, saying it "feels like my son, sitting on top of my chest." Avery starts to call an ambulance, but Jack snatches the phone away and say Colleen is just acting. When everyone's back is turned, she winks at him. They turn back around, and she drops to the ground. Milton insists they call for help, saying, "Listen to me damn it, I'm a doctor." Jack spits back, "Of history! In what emergency would you be necessary? If someone wanted to know whether the '60s were awesome or not?" Avery tells Colleen she has to hang in there so she can meet their daughter, Little Colleen. Jack knows he's done for when Colleen announces feebly that it seems like people are back on her side.
Paul knocks on Jenna's apartment door, warning her he's not there to get back together. She invites him in and offers the usual niceties -- a cup of coffee or an absinthe enema. He says he's only come because he thought of a brilliant New Queer's Eve costume. They decide to say their ideas in unison. Amazingly, they both thought of "Two Black Swans" theme, with Paul dressing up as Natalie Portman in the movie Black Swan and Jenna dressing up as former Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee Lynn Swann.
Hospital. Milton declares it a Druid Solstice miracle that Colleen didn't have a heart attack. Avery says the night transpired as it did because they were all keeping secrets. She demands total honesty from here on. Lemon volunteers first, confessing she has a crush on The Mentalist. Avery reveals she and Jack have been keeping another secret. They were planning to elope in the Caribbean over New Year's. She extends an invitation to everyone. Lemon interrupts the joyful family moment to announce that she's learned a lesson: No one can escape the horror of Christmas. She decides that she might as well endure it with her own family and says she's going to catch a bus. If she's lucky, she'll get there "just in time for Aunt Linda to try to prove that she's sober by holding someone's baby while cooking." Colleen steers things back on track, telling Jack she's done everything to protect him. Milton angrily says Jack owes Colleen an apology. Colleen lays it on thick, saying, "I almost died!" She says Jack disrespected his parents by pitting Milton against her. Milton says he's disappointed in Jack. Amidst all this ganging up, a sly smile creeps across Jack's face. For the first time, he's having a real family Christmas. To mark the occasion, he unleashes: "Milton, the Clinton boom years were just an after-effect of Reaganomics. And, Mother, you cannot invite anyone to the wedding."
The strains of "O Holy Night" swell up as Colleen and Milton squabble over Jack's incendiary comments. Lemon sneaks out the door, looking back to wish Jack a Merry Christmas. We learn that the gorgeous duet of "O Holy Night" is being performed by the Two Black Swans, Paul made up Portman-style and Jenna donning black face and an Afro wig. They hit a crescendo as Tracy and the battered women laugh riotously at his movie, Lemon boards the bus and sits down to a man with a parrot, and Jack smiles blissfully that his parents are screaming at him in chorus. Happy holidays, hippies!
Bonus! Tracy as Grandmama Chunk sings "O Holy Night" in Chunks 2: A Very Chunky Christmas, now with more vomit!
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