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Jack thinks he has found his magic bullet -- the man through whom he can vanquish Representative Regina Bookman and, thus, facilitate the Kabletown merger -- in Rhode Island Congressional candidate Steven "Steve" Austin (John Slattery), whose primary platforms include dressing like a baby (symbolizing hope!) and tricking blind people into confusing him with Steve Austin the wrestler. When Steve turns out to be a Libertarian nut job prone to jabbering about alien casinos and proposing new national anthems largely composed of the words "Ooga booga," Jack's plan inevitably falls apart.
Meanwhile, Tracy is riding a wave of Oscar momentum for his film Hard To Watch. He asks Jenna for advice on how to secure a Golden Globe, and naturally she undermines him at every opportunity. She suggests he throw a party for the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association that showcases a salsa-filled piñata, Kenneth as a human sushi platter, and bribes as far as the eye can see. Her well-laid plans go to pot when she actually watches Tracy's movie and is so moved by his performance that she feels compelled to confess her sabotage plans and encourage Tracy to go forth and win that Oscar. May the EGOT be with him.
And finally Lemon finds the perfect pair of jeans. We're talking Lemon ass all up in here y'all. She parades around 30 Rock full of liberal pride because the label on her jeans reads, "Hand-Made in Usa." Eventually Jack informs Lemon that these supposedly fair-trade jeans are just as outsourced as your average dollar store product and are made by the Hand tribe (pronounce "Hahnd") not in the U-S-A but in the slave colony of Usa (pronounced "Ooh-suh"). He also takes the opportunity to debunk all her delusions about the liberal agenda by telling her that, in essence, everything comes down to Halliburton. With that, Lemon bids goodbye to her liberal idealism and her beautifully sculpted caboose. Though the idealism goes first, because she's got a Skype dance party date with Carol that night, and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Somewhere in New York, Jenna waits while Lemon tries on a pair of jeans, possibly her least favorite activity. She snarks, "Maybe after this, I can get a pap smear from an old male doctor." Jenna insists that they're at a hip new store, explaining that the strait jackets all around are a nod to the fact that the store used to be home to a mental institution. Lemon emerges from the changing room and warily shows off her be-denimed behind. Jenna tells Lemon she looks amazing, and we're treated to some waist-down shots (presumably not of Tina Fey) dancing around and posing to show off her cute new heiny. Jenna tells Lemon she's living the dream -- "boy on the bottom, girl on the top" -- and a flamboyant sales person chimes in, "O-M-God, those jeans are 'zing." Jenna clarifies that "zing" is short for amazing... or a club drug made from tooth whiteners -- "either way, you win." Lemon opts to wear these jeans out and buy 10 additional pairs for good measure, then bids the sales boy to burn the jeans she wore to the store. Credits.
Jack's office. Jonathan comes in explaining that he was late for work because he was attacked in his apartment, but Jack can't be bothered to sympathize because MSNBC is airing a segment about Rhode Island Congresswoman Regina Bookman's opposition to the Kabletown merger. Jack can't believe that Rep. Bookman has broken her promise to refrain against railing against NBC for three months so Jack can have a chance to diversify the corporation. Jonathan consoles, "It's not your fault nobody watched America's Top Black Guy!" Jack turns his attention back to the newscast where David Gregory says Rep. Bookman's re-election is being challenged by a nobody named Steven Austin, and the two candidates are in a dead heat. Jack suddenly sees his chance to eliminate one of his many life problems and orders Jonathan to get Steven Austin into his office post-haste.
Downstairs, Lemon shows off her sassy assy new jeans to all the ladies on staff at TGS. "They're from Brooklyn Without Limits," she tells them. "It's this very cool store with locations in Gay Town, White Harlem, and the Beardswick section of Brooklyn." Lemon, who is wearing a BWL T-shirt, sings the praises of the company, which promotes a green, American-made, fair trade ethic. Jenna's pride stems from a different place: "Now we both have cute butts!"
Tracy interrupts to have a word with Jenna in his dressing room. He mentions that his film Hard To Watch is garnering Oscar buzz. She says she knows because she talked about it with her therapist for 20 hours the week prior. He says he knows his rising star must be hard on her, but she assures him she has many things going on in her life, including a titillating exercise video called Jenna Gets Hard. Tracy asks for her help: Some members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association are visiting soon to do an article about him. Jenna perks up at the mention of the organization that administers the Golden Globes. She advises him to have a luncheon screening for the HFPA members, then adds, rubbing her fingers together, "and when the time is right..." Tracy responds conspiratorially, "Be bad at snapping? Got it!" She tells him she means for him to bribe the voters because a Golden Globe is a stepping stone to an Oscar. Tracy admits he's no expert at morality but still wonders if that's wrong. Then they share a belly laugh over the fact that either of them is involved in a conversation about morality at all.
Upstairs, Jack meets the man that would take down Regina Bookman -- Steven Austin (John Slattery). He's a scrappy looking guy in a khaki baseball cap, a plaid shirt, and a down vest. He shamelessly tells Jack that he calls himself Steve Austin in an attempt to confuse voters who might be more prone to vote for the wrestler of the same name. Jack says his only reservation with Steve's campaign is the fact that Steve is not affiliated with the Republican party. Steve, with his thick New England accent, tells Jack that the party system is broken and that people are looking for a renaissance in politics. Jack likes what he's hearing, then Steve drops the first of many hints that he's an outright nutter when he brings out a pacifier emblazoned with his campaign logo and tells Jack, "Goo-goo gah-gah." He takes the rebirth theme quite literally, it turns out, and has put together several commercials in which he's dressed as a baby -- diaper, huge hat, and all. We see one of these commercials, which he wraps up with, "Vote Steve Austin. And if you're blind, I am the wrestler!" Jack tells Steve that he need only answer a few questions correctly to gain Jack's support. Steve answers correctly for the first few words or so, then proves again that he's an all too literal nut job. It's no matter to Jack, though, because at the end of the day Steve Austin is not Regina Bookman, and he won't mess with the Kabletown merger. Jack promises to throw a fundraiser for Steve in two days, and with that we have an endorsement!
Downstairs, Jenna, Tracy, and Kenneth are in Tracy's dressing room preparing for Tracy's HFPA luncheon. As Tracy glugs salsa into piñatas and Jenna readies streamers, Kenneth practices lying perfectly still for his role as human sushi platter. It reminds him of his childhood and "hiding under the porch during a hill people rampage," he tells Lemon. Tracy then assures her that Kenneth will be quieter during the actual luncheon because his mouth will be stuffed with wasabi. Jenna runs off to fill up a chafing dish with her underwear -- "in case some Saudi guys show up" -- so Lemon follows her outside to determine why exactly Jenna, perhaps the most jealous person in the world, would help anyone else achieve success. Jenna confides in Lemon that she's sabotaging Tracy, telling her about the bribery idea and how it will scuttle Tracy's career. Lemon is utterly disappointed, but Jenna insists Lemon should be most disappointed in her.
A bit later, Jack heads to Lemon's office to introduce her to Steve Austin. He momentarily doesn't recognize her because her back's turned, and she's wearing the jeans that make her (and her ass) "look like a Mexican sports reporter." Ogling out of the way, Lemon says that Steve Austin looks familiar to her. He gives her his campaign spiel, and she realizes that she received one of his campaign ads that went viral. Cut to the ad, in which Steve pops out of a woman's legs, screaming, "The rebirth of America starts now. Waaaaaaah!" Then he pulls out a shotgun and cocks it, saying, "My name is Steve Austin. And if you're senile, yes I am The Six Million Dollar Man." And where did Steve get the money to fund all these top-notch commercials? From the broken vending machine at the paintball place he owns. Nice.
Jack tells Lemon about the fundraiser and tasks her with creating a biographical video on Steve. Suddenly Steve remembers that he has a delivery schedule and won't be home to pick it up, since his wife left him for his twin brother, so he needs to make a call. He asks to use Lemon's phone since he has no cell phone, which he claims is a government tracking device.
Lemon takes Jack outside to ask him why he's throwing his support behind someone who is clearly wackadoo. Jack tells him the Bookman quandary, and Lemon expresses her disappointment that he's sacrificing the good of the country for his own political objectives. She rues that everyone has lost their moral compass. Jack reminds her the stakes for the Kabletown merger and shoots back, "You're being awfully high and mighty for someone who once claimed her husband drowned so she could get out of a gym contract." Jack reminds Lemon that she's part of the big business machine, too, but she insists that her freelance position at NBC -- not to mention her commitment to quality, handmade local clothing -- makes her like a modern cowboy. She takes leave of this conversation, letting Jack watcher her booty swagger as she walks away. Jack looks back to Lemon's office and overhears Steve telling the deliveryman, "Yea
h, I know it's not a house, but I sleep there!" Yikes.
Elsewhere, Tracy is decked out in an all black ensemble, complete with intellectual specs and a beret, as he welcomes the members of the HFPA to his luncheon screening of Hard To Watch. He assures them that they are working on the problem of the sushi platter (Kenneth) moving. Jenna opens the floor for questions, then dominates the Q&A with her own questions before cutting Tracy off to start the movie. It begins with heavy-handed orchestration over shots of Tracy walking through a rough New York neighborhood, carrying a football with a hole in it. He VOs that he used to be a high school running back with dreams. "Now the only thing I use a football for is a toilet."
Meanwhile, Jack watches as Steve Austin films his biographical film against a green screen. He espouses the virtues of the days when the Constitution was written, including no paved roads, rum as an anesthetic, and legalized slavery. Jack cuts him off, trying to make the most of what is becoming a clearly untenable situation. Steve takes the opportunity to show Jack his hand gestures, including "You listen to me," "Forceful conclusion," "There's work to be done," and "Hand me that shovel so I can dig a grave for her." Jack demands the cameras stop filming as his anxiety rises. Jonathan appears with a shot of Rep. Bookman at a youth vote rally. Jack takes this as a sign of desperation. "My generation never votes," Jonathan says gleefully, "it interferes with talking about ourselves all the time." Jack gloats that he's close to victory. All he must do is make Steve seem presentable. In the background Steve pulls out a pacifier and suggests they do a few takes with "'Binky."
As Jack tells Steve to take five, Lemon walks in to ask if he's really going ahead with the cockamamie plan. He says he won't take criticism from someone in a Brooklyn Without Limits shirt. She insists that BWL is saving the world, so he lets her in on a secret that the company is owned several levels up by Halliburton, not Brooklyn Zack, who throws pool parties in dumpsters. He tells her the business was started when Halliburton had an excess of canvas waterboarding hoods in the '90s and made them into messenger bags, which they then sold to "outer borough idiots." Lemon smugly points out the "Hand-made in USA" tag on her jeans, but Jack explains that they are actually made by the Hand tribe (pronounce "Hahnd") not in the U-S-A but in the Vietnamese island prison of Usa (pronounced "Ooh-suh"). "You know how they get the stitching so small?" he asks. "Orphans!"
Lemon persists in believing the folk lore of Brooklyn Zack, but Jack takes her down a notch by saying at least his moral compromises are for the good of an entire company. Hers are only for her ass. As he walks away gloating, Lemon shouts behind that "the Liberal media would have told" her these things if they were true. Jack informs here there's no such thing as the Liberal media because Halliburton's chain of ownership spreads all the way down to the New York Times. Lemon makes a beeline for Wikipedia and discovers a picture of Dick Cheney in her beloved magic jeans. She gasps, "It goes all the way to the top!" She marches into the Brooklyn Without Limits store to confront the salesman who is completely aware of Halliburton's ownership and tells her that she is "so 'norant" (short for ignorant) to believe that a gay man like himself can't be conservative, not to mention hypocritical since she's still wearing the jeans. He walks away, and she sees a T-shirt with Che Guevara's picture on it. "If only you know what this stood for!" she chagrins. The salesman pops back to tell her, "His great-grandfather was Domingo Halliburton." Another Lemon gasp.
Steve Austin fundraiser. After Steve says he hasn't seen so many people in suits since his trial, Jack insists Steve keep quiet and let Jack do the talking. Just seconds later, Steve nearly starts in on the Jews, and Jack forcefully pulls him into a dressing room and tells Steve to stay in there and "cultivate an aura of mystery." Steve takes this to mean he should start moaning mysteriously.
Back at the HFPA screening, Tracy's movie (up to which point his character has now lost part of his arm) has brought everyone to tears, including Kenneth, who is now serving as the cake table. In the film, some cops knock on Tracy's apartment and inform him, "Your mother exploded." The voters clap and Tracy starts over toward the piles of cash he plans to use as bribes. Jenna stops and with tears in her eyes tells him that his movie gave her "drunk in the bathtub face," and she can't sabotage him with a clean conscience.
Down the corridor, Jack finds Lemon, who acknowledges that Brooklyn Without Limits is the vast, right-wing conspiracy he explained it to be but is still wearing her jeans because they make her ass look fantastic. She points out that he's selling out, too, by supporting someone who advances his own agenda instead of someone who represents his true beliefs. He insists he believes in Steve Austin's plan to put a casino on the moon, so she grimaces that she believes in Halliburton. Cue Mexican stand-off.
Down the hall, Tracy is shocked that Jenna tried to sabotage him, but she insists he win the Oscar for his performance. She quotes his movie back to him, saying the right thing isn't always the easy thing. Lemon, pushing her own agenda, chips in to insist that sometimes compromise is good. Tracy counters with another movie quote: "Compromise is for lesser souls. Die werewolf zombie!" Lemon is flabbergasted that Jenna and Tray are doing the right thing for once in their lives -- and at the most inconvenient possible time for her, naturally. She concedes to go home and change, giving everyone one last look at her glute-tastic walk away. Jenna says she'd definitely hit that, but Tracy deems her assets "too small."
Back at the fundraiser, Jack watches in the shadows as the video plays of Steve Austin. It has obviously been edited down in such a way to give the dramatic contrivances of The Hills or America's Top Model a run for their money. And yet there's something more horrifying lurking in the studio. Jack gasps, "Lesbian Mario Brothers!" as he sees Lemon appear in a truly unflattering pair of shortalls. He considers them the worst thing she's ever worn, "including 2008's turtleneck with smiley face vest." Lemon acknowledges that she's wearing the shortalls because she threw out all her other jeans but claims she feels good -- and not just because she found a discontinued packet of Tastetations in the pocket. She knows she did the right thing and waddles off in the horribly hip-hugging denim, eliciting Jack's strangled exclamation, "Good God, Lemon!"
It's no better when he turns back to the screen where Steve Austin is screaming through heavy editing, "And I will never allow. Casinos on the moon!" Jack's candidate gets an ovation and a thumbs-up from one of his political cronies, but he knows he's sunk. He goes back to the dressing room where he left Steve to find that the nutty protester has hunkered himself in a fort of couch cushions. When Jack calls out to him, Steve asks timidly, "Friend or foe?" He peeks out to see Jack, who says all these people have come to see Steve, so he must speak. Steve charges out of the cushion fortress. Jack assesses the situation and spits out, "Damn you, shorteralls!" Steve's shot at live speaking goes predictably awry, especially when he proposes a new national anthem whose primary lyrics are "Ooga booga."
Jack shows Lemon the footage as it airs on MSNBC later that night. Lemon gawps at the catastrophe unfolding. Jack notes that Jay Leno even made fun of Steve in his monologue that night. "The Kingmaker has spoken," he intones ominously. It seems certain now that Regina Bookman will maintain her seat in the Congress. Lemon congratulates him for doing the right thing, but he cuts her off, "Letting morality get in the way of making money. I might as well go and... be a teacher." Lemon says she knows just what will cheer him up and beckons Kenneth the cake boy to crawl in and serve them. He skitters in on his hands and knees, chirping, "This has been the best day of my life!"
Bonus! The unedited version of Steve Austin's speech: "I believe ketchup bottles should be 500% larger. We are all responsible for heroes becoming terrible. What kind of jail are these alien prisoners being held in? We should bring back slavery! ...and they're back by big corporations! Animals can govern themselves... Taken out of context, it was exactly what I meant. As God is my witness, we will build casinos on the moon! Thank you!" Well you are welcome, Steve Austin. You are welcome. Now for some jokes beyond your political career...
Austin Power
Jack: I like a lot of what you're saying, Steve, but before I throw my support behind you I do have a litmus test.
Steve Austin: Okay. Can I take that in two weeks?
Jack: Haha, no. It's just questions. What do you think the role of government should be?
Steve Austin: Limited. I believe in small government.
Jack: Excellent answer.
Steve Austin: Or no government at all! If it works in Antarctica, why can't it work here? But if we have to have government, make it as small as possible -- dwarves, tiny buildings, pizza bagels for lunch.
Jack: Maybe we should stop at small government. Let's cut to the chase. I need you to assure me you would never allow the government to interfere with the sale of one company to another.
Steve Austin: Of course not. The government shouldn't interfere with anything. What happens inside a man's own poncho at a minor league baseball game is his own business!
Jenna 101
Lemon: Let me get this straight -- you, the person who is still jealous of the attention Baby Jessica got, are helping Tracy win an award for acting?
Jenna: Oh, I'm helping him all right. I even gave him the idea to try to bribe them.
Lemon: And he's going to do that? That's awful. I trust awards shows. They tell me how much to care about different dead people.
Jenna: It's not gonna work! If they could be bribed, I would have won a Golden Globe for my Lifetime original movie Sister Can You Spare a Breast?
Lemon: So you've tried this before?
Jenna: Ugh, and they were so offended, they banned me for life. [Pulls out "No Golden Globes for Life" card.] And the same thing will happen to Tracy.
Lemon: So you're sabotaging him?
Jenna: Just like I did to my niece at our family's Christmas party.
Lemon: You know what? You and Tracy deserve each other. I don't know which of you to be more disappointed in.
Jenna: Me, silly! I'm more aware of what I'm doing.
The Tracy Jordan Actor's Studio
Jenna: Tracy would be happy to take any softball questions you have... like the following, "What films inspire you?"
Tracy: Well definitely the foreign films, like the political ones where you think there'll be no boobies, then bam! Boobies!
Jenna: Tracy, what is an actor?
Tracy: I think the better question is, "What isn't an actor?" A lamp! A couch! That mirror! A hidden pistol!
La Denim Exquise
Lemon: Well, you were right about Brooklyn Without Limits -- crunchy on the outside, right-wing nut job on the inside.
Jack: Like Anne Coulter's underwear. But I see you're still wearing the jeans.
Lemon: I know! They look so good! And I'm Skyping later wtih Carol, and we like to dance together, and I want to do this back-it-up move that I haven't been able to pull off since high school. It's like [singing], "Back it uuuup, back it uuuup, drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot, I will haunt your dreams!"
Jenna Comes Clean... in More Ways Than One?
Tracy: Sabotage? But I'm the one who does that to me!
Jenna: I know, Tracy. It was wrong. But I couldn't go through with it because I saw your movie. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're great.
Tracy: Wait, great like good or grate like the thing I dropped my asthma inhaler down the other day? [Wheezes.]
Jenna: The first one, Tra. You are going to win, and when you do, I'll be furious -- like waking-up--to-Rob-Schneider furious.
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