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Christmas is upon 30 Rock, which means a whole lot of scrambling… and disaster. In the most sweeping plotline, the writers invent an entire religion and/or holiday (Verducchianism) in order to avoid Kenneth's stringent Secret Santa rituals. Said religion involves free sausage pizza, the healing power of root beer, bisexual polygamy, and MerlinPeen (don't ask). Tracy eventually exposes their lie to Kenneth, causing him to lose all faith. For Kenneth, losing all faith apparently means developing five-o'clock shadow. Eventually, though, all the writers are punished for the heathenism. More on that later…
Jack -- via the hot new social networking site "YouFace" -- reconnects with an old flame, Nancy Donovan from Bean Town. They both have the most insane Boston accents, like, ever. Under the advisement of Cerie, he grows increasingly fascinated with her as she changes her relationship status from "Married" to "Working On It" to "Weirdsies." They go out on a solo date, which reminds Jack of what his life used to be like before he was a high-powered executive. Nancy returns and gives Jack the greatest gift of all -- a reminder of what it was like to be his high school self. More on that later…
Elsewhere, new cast member Danny proves to be much more talented than expected. Jenna, who is -- as we know -- paranoid beyond all belief, finds this development most startling when Pete gives her annual solo to Danny. So Jenna flips out and appeals to Danny's sympathy by explaining that singing Christmas carols gives her a nostalgic feeling about the days she spent distracting mall cops while her mother was shoplifting. God bless him, Danny biffs his part to ensure Jenna can remain the star of the show.
And, in the plot that ties it all together, Lemon looks for a Christmas present for Jack. They agree to spend zero dollars in pursuit of their gifts. Said endeavor is just about as successful as you'd expect. And includes Juno references. Jack sends Jonathan on a completely un-reimbursed wild goose chase around Pennsylvania to find a program from the gender-blind Crucible production Lemon was in. Yeesh. But Lemon provides the pièce de résistance as she calls in a bomb threat to Penn Station -- under Frank and Toofer's names -- to keep Jack's paramour Nancy in town. Imprisonment and adultery -- the gifts that keep on giving! Merry Xmas, everyone!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see who we think are the best and worst 30 Rock guest stars!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Cerie and Lemon go over her Christmas gifts. She's foregoing the skinny jeans for Pete and giving him a Cheese of the Month Club subscription. For Jenna, a jigsaw puzzle of her latest nip slip. For Jack, she's drawing a blank. They've never exchanged gifts before and wonders if it's even necessary. Cerie encourages her.
Lemon heads upstairs to Jack's office, where he is taking a profile picture for YouFace, the hot new social networking site the company has acquired. Lemon broaches the idea of exchanging Christmas presents. The suggestion horrifies Jonathan, but Jack's game. Lemon asks what he wants, explaining that her family members usually just tell each other what they want, and everyone ends up happy. Jack nixes that notion, saying that gift giving is an expression of friendship. They must conjure up what they know about each other and find a gift from there. Lemon guesses that means "bath salts in a coffee mug would be... not it." Credits.
Downstairs, Pete solicits donations for the cleaning ladies' Christmas gift. Danny signs up, but Jenna says she's "doing her own thing this year." I suspect something mind-blowingly vain and useless. Pete grouses about how Jenna doesn't ever chip in because the card implies that everyone helped out. He considers sticking it to her but instead decides to go drink his sorrows away at the Grand Central Oyster Bar.
Over in Lemon's office, Jack comes in to explain that his high school crush Nancy Donovan contacted him on YouFace. Lemon commiserates that she used to have a major crush on Larry Wilcox from CHiPs, and it got "pretty real." Jack marvels that he hasn't seen this woman in 25 years, and now she's trying to reconnect. Jack wonders what it means, so Cerie helps them navigate her page. They learn that her relationship status has gone from "Married" to "Working On It." Meanwhile, Lemon is still trying to type in the address of the site on her computer, only to discover that social networking site YouFace has no hyphen in it. Porn site You-Face does.
Writers' room. Lutz sprints in to warn everyone that Kenneth is coming to force them to draw for Secret Santa. Frank and Toofer moan about Kenneth's insistence on playing such a confusing game that involves giving. Then Kenneth enters the room Godzilla-style, crushing a miniature house as he comes and swatting at ornaments in his Santa hat. Naturally, a token Japanese TGS writer crawls out of the woodwork to scream and flee along with the others. The only ones left are Frank, Toofer, and Lutz. Kenneth asks them if they'll participate, wherein they make up an entire religion just to get out of the game. They claim to be strict Verdukians, they claim, and therefore don't believe in Christmas. What they do believe in is the healing power of root beer, bisexual polygamy, and the high holy day of MerlinPeen. Kenneth wishes them a good MerlinPeen without a shadow of doubt across his chipmunk-like face.
Just outside of Jack's office, Lemon tries to get inside information from Jonathan about what Jack might want for his Christmas present. Jonathan chastises Lemon for deeming herself good enough to be on Jack's personal gift list. He says Jack gives the best gifts of anyone ever. To wit, last year he got Jonathan's sister out of a North Korean jail (Ling zing!). Jonathan maniacally tells Lemon he is waiting for the moment she doesn't measure up and he can take her name off of Jack's personal gift list. If it takes deferring law school for a year, so be it.
Jack pops his head out and invites Lemon to come meet Nancy (Julianne Moore, squee!). Nancy comments on how little Jack has changed, then pulls out a program from Hey Beantown!, a musical they were in together in high school. Cue terrible singing in the key of Boston. Have I mentioned her Boston accent yet? Like wow. Lemon mentions she was in The Crucible at her high school. As she heads out, Jack and Nancy reminisce and flirt over their glory days.
Downstairs, Tracy finds Kenneth setting up an all-inclusive holiday table with items in the tradition of all the major religions, now with more Verdukianism! Tracy is skeptical about this Verdukianism business, so when Toofer, Frank, and Lutz approach, he challenges them to sing the famous Verdukian winter carol. They make a disaster of it, but Kenneth seems to like it. He notices that Danny has approached and asks him to sing a Christmas carol for them. Danny sings "O Holy Night" beautifully. Tracy declares, "New dude is as good at singing as Tracy Jordan is at everything!" Then Pete, who has heard Danny's dulcet tones down the hall, runs up and spitefully give him the TGS holiday solo that usually goes to Jenna. Danny balks at stealing Jenna's solo and suggests they sing a duet. Pete realizes this is even more diabolical a plan, and tells Danny with evil in his voice that Jenna will love to share the stage. Since Danny is Canadian and doesn't understand sarcasm, he doesn't realize the trap he's just walked into.
Outside, Jack and Nancy watch the skaters at the ice rink and catch up on old times. Jack whips out his long-buried Boston accent, and Nancy reveals that her Irish moron of a husband is not reliable. Jack sees an opening and offers to take Nancy and her sons out to dinner. She says the boys have anticipated going to the ESPN Zone for their Hideki Matsui Fajitas. Jack suggests she lets the boys go to the Zone, and he'll take her out. She agrees, noting it's a good thing they were never romantically involved in high school, or things would be weird.
Back inside, Danny tells Jenna the joyful news about their duet. She asks him to sing for her so she can "plan [their] harmonies." He sings about a half a verse of "O Danny Boy," then stops as Jenna's nose is bleeding -- but not from a rage stroke, she assures him.
Out in the corridor, Tracy intercepts Kenneth taking a couple of sausage pizzas to the Verdukians in celebration of the Holiday of Mouth Pleasures. Tracy finally breaks it to Kenneth that the guys made up Verdukianism to get out of Secret Santa. But in doing so, he introduces Kenneth to the idea that religion may be an invention of man. Just as our favorite faithful Page is plunging into a crisis of spirituality, Tracy grabs the pizzas and vamooses.
Upstairs, Cerie shows Jack some pictures of the trip that Nancy has uploaded to YouFace. She notes that it's a good sign Nancy has cropped Jack out of a picture (in which Nancy is cupping wax Burt Reynolds' balls, mind you) because she doesn't want her husband to see him. Her hesitance means she feels something for Jack. Then Cerie spots that Nancy has changed her relationship status from "Working On It" to "Weirdsies."
Later, Lemon visits Jack's office as he prepares for his date with Nancy. She's brought him a present, but alas it's the tie he's already wearing, and the store she got it from has a "no returns" policy. Jack says Lemon obviously doesn't know him well enough to realize that it's his lucky tie, and shares a sartorial insight about her choice of clothing that particular afternoon. He offers to even out the playing field by suggesting they exchange gifts that don't cost any money. Lemon thinks she's got him beat on creativity, but her version of creativity in this instance translates to some really inarticulate verbal diarrhea. She abruptly shifts her focus back to the tie, asking why he's wearing his lucky tie. Jack tells her about Nancy's status change and their forthcoming date. Lemon cautions him to be careful about his expectations, but Jack prefers to enjoy the thrill while it lasts.
Downstairs, Danny confronts Jenna about hiring a custodian to hide in Danny's dressing room and punch his throat. The custodian totally finks on Jenna and still expects to collect his kiss. She banishes him without the kiss. Danny wonders why Jenna would want to hurt him. She says he forced her way into her solo, so Danny reveals that it was all the scheming of Pete in retribution for her refusal to chip in for the cleaning ladies' Christmas bonus. Jenna insists that she's giving them gifts herself and starts randomly pulling swag out of the gift bag from the Asian Women in Television luncheon she just attended, including but not limited to Julie Chen's energy drink, Chenergize. Then she pulls out a fancy new phone and decides to keep that one for herself. Danny snarks that she's really getting into the Christmas spirit, then has an epiphany that he finally gets sarcasm. Jenna finally breaks down and admits that she's so possessive about singing the carol on TGS because that's the one part of Christmas during her childhood that wasn't humiliating (sittings on countless Santas' laps to determine if one of them was her deadbeat dad) or illegal (distracting mall cops from her mom's shoplifting). Jenna snits that Danny's taken the one good thing about Christmas away from her. She storms out, and he snarks "Well, that went well." Then he realizes with another grin that he's really getting this sarcasm thing down.
Outside, Kenneth removes the clothes and hat from a Santa figurine, noting mournfully that he's just a Kenny Rogers doll now. Tracy marches up with the former Verdukians, who say they want to participate in Secret Santa now. Kenneth tells them it's been cancelled since he lost his faith. Toofer tries to convince them their change of heart is a Christmas miracle, but Kenneth will only accept that God exists once more if he punishes these heathens for their lies and blasphemy. Until then, he'll stay mired in his existentialism.
Elsewhere, Jack and Nancy continue to share recollections on their date. He offers to buy her a nightcap, but she says she and the boys have to wake up early the morning to go back to Boston. They exchange their goodbyes, promise to keep in touch on YouFace, and have an almost-kiss moment before she heads into the hotel.
The morning, Lemon comes to Jack's office to give him a Juno-style serenade for his free Christmas gift. She gets about two lines in before realizing what a shambles this song is and taking back her gift. She starts to head out embarrassed, but Jack asks her to stay and advise her about Nancy. Jack realizes with a tinge of regret that he's spent his whole life trying to erase where he came from. Now he's feeling homesick and wishes he'd had a bit longer with Nancy. Lemon says she needs to go off to work on his real gift, slyly slipping in the suggestion that a drawing of a frog would look nice on his wall. Jack shuts that down, and thus Lemon must continue in her odyssey.
That night, Jenna and Danny sing their duet. And when I say Danny is "singing," I mean intentionally singing every note off-key. This gives newfound buoyancy to Jenna, who belts out her notes with aplomb. Pete glares and grimaces on the sidelines, finally throwing his papers up and walking away.
Upstairs, Jack stares nostalgically at the Hey Beantown! paraphernalia when Nancy appears to tell him her train was cancelled and she's ready to take him up on his offer of a nightcap. And give him a proper kiss goodnight. As long as they do it high school-style -- no tongue. They embrace and lock lips.
Back downstairs, Lemon watches as Jenna and Danny continue to stink up the room. Jack enters the room to give her present to her. It's a framed ticket from her gender-blind high school production of The Crucible. Lemon is pleased as punch. Jack explains how it was zero dollars by sending Jonathan on a wild Lemon chase all over Pennsylvania, and he didn't reimburse him. Jack tells Lemon not to worry about his present because Nancy's train getting cancelled and her subsequent return was the greatest gift he could have ever received. Lemon knowingly asks if the train was cancelled because someone called in a bomb threat to Penn Station. Jack is shocked and impressed.
Over in the writers' room, two NYPD officers come looking for Toofer and Frank in connection to the bomb threat. Apparently the call was made on one of their phones. Lutz practically starts to piss himself as he renounces Verdukianism. The officer puzzles over whether he's connected to Al Qaeda and decides to tase him just to be on the safe side. Kenneth, whose crisis of faith has manifested itself as five o'clock shadow, interprets this fitting punishment as a Christmas miracle and regains his faith.
On the TV screen, Jenna and Danny continue to sing. At one particularly exuberant moment, Danny drops the tone deaf act and starts to belt out a beautiful couple of notes. Then he gets a glimpse of Jenna's death stare and returns to the tuneless ghetto.
Downstairs later, Lemon exits the building to find her old crush Larry Wilcox waiting for her. He tells her that he, as his CHiPs character Lt. John Baker, will be her date for the evening, courtesy of Jack. Lemon squeals with delight as she jumps on the highway cruiser, though she does wonder how this gift could be zero dollars. Let's just say old Jackie is going on the Naughty List this year. But I'll leave that for the jokes...
Lemon = Anti-Social Networking
Jack: The company has acquired an up-and-coming social networking site called YouFace. So each executive has to set up their YouFace page. Now this picture will be my "PhoLo" --
Lemon: Not a word!
Jack: ...which is a contraction for "photo" and "hello." YouFace: Who are YouFacing?
Lemon: No one. Those sites are for horny married chicks with kids who want to exchange pervy e-mails with their old high school boyfriends.
Jack: And since all your high school boyfriends are now gay...
Lemon: Exactly!
Finger Tag, You're It!
Jack: I've been Finger Tagged, Lemon.
Lemon: Was it down by the subway? 'Cause I saw a gangly looking kid down there.
Jack: A Finger Tag means I've been contacted by someone else on YouFace. In this case that would be Nancy Donovan, the cutest girl at East Sandchester High School, class of 1976.
Cerie: That's the year my mom was born!
Or, As Frank Might Call It, "Naughty Santa"
Toofer: Kenneth is doing a Secret Santa fun swap thing!
Frank: Oh, he takes the two worst parts of Christmas -- giving and rules -- and combines them!
Kenneth (in flashback): And then the person with the highest person gives the smallest gift to the tallest person. If they want to switch, they cannot! Unless they do. Then everyone puts their head down, except the murderer! Oh wait, that's not right...
Frank: The whole thing was so confusing I ended up getting my own crappy gift back. Like I need two copies of Over-60 Vixens.
Get Lucky in the Game of Life, Perhaps?
Jack: Lemon, come in here for a minute. I want you to meet my old friend, Nancy Donovan.
Nancy: That's my maiden name! I keep tellin' ya, things have changed, but not your hair! It's like a shag carpet. I just want to sit on it and play a board game!
Stage Frights
Lemon: Yeah I did plays in high school, too. I was John Proctor in The Crucible.
Nancy: You went to an all-girls school?
Lemon: No.
Nancy: Jack played Paul Revere. We were all jealous of Lisa Alberson 'cause she got ta play his horse.
Holiday Hodgepodge
Tracy: What's with all the junk, Ken?
Kenneth: These are my all-inclusive holiday decorations. Here's a little Christmas tree.
Tracy: Okay.
Kenneth: A menorah.
Tracy: Dig.
Kenneth: A picture of President Obama for the Muslims.
Tracy: Gon' let that one slide.
Kenneth: And a bowl of meat cubes with a picture of Jimmy Connor sticking out in the tradition of Verdukianism.
Tracy: Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense! Jimmy is Catholic.
Kiss and Trade Up
Nancy: I'm glad we never made out in high school. Otherwise, this whole thing would be so awkward.
Jack: Excuse me, we kissed every night on stage in Hey Beantown!
Nancy: That doesn't count. There wasn't even any tongue.
Jack: But only because my mother told me that French kissing was for the Italians.
Nancy: They do love it. How else do you think I got Mr. Sorrentino to cast me as The Spirit of Liberty?
Raging Bully
Jenna: A duet? Really? I didn't know you sang. It's funny, because it's kind of my thing. thing I know you're going to be telling me you're really blonde and have a urinary tract infection! Maybe I should hear you sing. That way I can plan our harmonies.
Danny [Sings half a verse of "O Danny Boy," then abruptly stops]: I'm sorry, is your nose bleeding?
Jenna: Yes. Because I'm so happy for you. It's definitely not a rage stroke.
Danny: Great!
Spilling Beans, Killing Dreams
Tracy: What's up, Special K? Havin' a party?
Kenneth: Not me, sir. Tonight is the Verdukian Holiday of Mouth Pleasures. Misters Rossitano, Spurlock, and Lutz must have free sausage pizza followed by some gentle flossing performed by a blonde virgin. [Grins widely and points at himself.]
Tracy: Your generosity is being taken advantage of.
Kenneth: What do you mean?
Tracy: Verdukianism. It's fake! Those dudes made it up because they didn't want to do Secret Santa.
Kenneth: But they had all these rules and rituals?
Tracy: That's what religion is, K-Fed. Just a bunch of made-up rules to manipulate people! Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why! Because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.
Kenneth: Wait a minute. Are you saying that other religions are made up by man, too?
Tracy: Oh, Ken. We may have fallen into the intellectual deep-end here. And if you try to grab on to me, we'll both drown.
LMAO
Jack: Why did she crop me out of all these pictures?
Cerie: No, it's good. If Nancy didn't care about you, she'd leave you in. But she must feel weird about her husband seeing you there. She feels weird in a good way.
Jack: Weird in a good way? Huh... like going to the gym drunk.
Cerie: She just changed her status from "Working In It" to "Weirdsies."
Jack: OMFG!
Creativity Is One Effing Scary Bird
Lemon [carries a tie box into Jack's office, then sees the tie he's wearing]: Is that maroon and navy? Nerds!
Jack: Don't tell me, Lemon. You spent $500 on a tie I already have at a store with no returns policy.
Lemon: Awwww, shark farts!
Jack: But this is my lucky tie, and anyone who knows me well would know that. [Looks at an increasingly smug Jonathan.] Just like I know you only wear that sweater when you're planning on eating pasta with marinara sauce.
Jonathan: Nice haircut!
Jack: Let's level the playing field. How about the most we can spend on each other's gifts is zero dollars.
Lemon: Really? You want to exchange creative gifts? Oh well, you are the one that's in trouble now, buddy. Because creativity to me is just like a... like a bird... like a friendly bird... that embraces all... ideas... and just like... shoots out of its eyes... all kinds of beauty!
Jack: Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway write! Mark Hemingway.
Hot Dog Wishes and Cuckolding Dreams
Lemon: What are your expectations here? She's married.
Jack: I don't know, Lemon. Nancy's leaving tomorrow. Can't I just enjoy this while it lasts?
Lemon: That's what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out. But you made me go get help.
What Was, What Is, What Could Be...
Jack: Hey, what was the name of that abandoned factory where we used to go shoot BB guns at rats?
Nancy: Woolfer Cap and Gown.
Jack: Of course! Is that still there?
Nancy: No, they tore it down and put up a big playground.
Jack: Oh, what a shame!
Nancy: Yeah.
Jack: So, can I buy you a nightcap?
Nancy: Better not. We have an early train back to Boston tomorrow. You know how hard it is to get teenagers out of bed in the morning.
Jack: Yes, but not in the way you're talking about.
Ms. Woolf She Ain't
Jack: Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you never left your hometown?
Lemon: Of course. Have you not read my terrible short story "The Two Paths of Virginia Apple"?
Cruisin' for a Bruisin'
Lemon: Are you Larry Wilcox?
Larry Wilcox: Yes, ma'am. This evening you have permission to call me Officer John Baker. Oh, but no sex stuff. And no touching my gun.
Jack: Merry Christmas, Lemon!
Lemon: Wait, how is this zero dollars?
Larry Wilcox: Well he promised to get me on Dancing with the Stars.
Lemon: But that's on ABC.
Larry Wilcox: Donaghy!
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