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Lemon prepares for the filming of her first Dealbreakers talk show and so leaves Frank in charge of the writers. After making sure the tech guys take down the computer firewall so they can watch lots o' porn, he starts turning into her. This mostly involves eating ham, losing his TEENAGE GRANDPA hat, developing a serious case of frizzy hair, and acting extra fussy. Meanwhile, Devin calls Jack from D.C. and warns him he must make Dealbreakers work or his ass is grass. Normally this task would be no problem, but Lemon herself is morphing into a crazy person, namely Jenna. Well, an Exorcist-style approximation of Jenna, but with a worse haircut. Lemon's freak-out pretty much destroys the show, but Jack manages to broker a deal that the opening titles will appear on Spanish-language soap operas any time a TV is playing in the background. No one is more relieved that Lemon is back to her old role than Frank, who nearly reached the apex of his transformation, stripey scarf included.
Elsewhere, Tracy decides he wants a baby girl, but Angie questions his commitment to fatherhood. In a convoluted twist, she challenges him to follow in the dreams of Philip Michael Thomas and win an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar and a Tony (EGOT). Only then will she give him a daughter. With the research and analysis of Grizz and Dot Com, Tracy determines that the secret to snagging the holy quadrity is to compose the best song ever. What follows is a truly dreadful mingling of mariachi, adult contempo, scat (courtesy of Jenna), cowbell (courtesy of Kenneth) and various other popular music styles. , he turns to EGOT-er Whoopi Goldberg, only to be caught creeping out the door with her trophies in hand. Ultimately, it's an impromptu R&B slow jam that does the trick. Angie resigns herelf to his deadbeat dad-ness as long as he's pursuing the EGOT.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock studio. Jack shows Lemon the set for her Dealbreakers talk show. They agree that this show could be the single thing that changes her life forever. In Lemon's best-case scenario, she's a blonde, milkshake-drinking lady of leisure who's deeply in love with her husband, Astronaut Mike Dexter. Unfortunately, Pete interrupts Lemon's fantasy to tell her they've got a Jenna situation. Specifically, Jenna's sadistic niece made Jenna look too fat in her crayon drawing, and she's locked herself in her dressing room. Lemon tries to placate her with a hair compliment, but Jenna's finally caught on that Lemon can't actually see her hair through the door. So Lemon pulls out the big guns and threatens to enlist the help of Jenna's nemesis Jenny McCarthy if Jenna doesn't want to perform that week. The McCarthy Maneuver snaps Jenna right out of her tantrum. Jack thanks Lemon for being herself and not a crazy person. He thinks her level-headedness will be the key to the show's success. Foreshadowing alert! Pete, too, is thrilled of the prospect the show's success will have for him and his freedom from this soul-crushing enterprise.
Lemon walks down the hall, where Tracy beckons her into his dressing room. He tells her he wants to have a baby girl and that it's now her job to tell Angie the good news. Lemon naturally doesn't want any part of it, but Tracy has anticipated as much and handcuffs her to a shelf until she does his dirty work. Angie enters the room, and Lemon spills the beans. Angie is nonplussed by this prospect, seeing as Tracy hasn't been the most hands-on father with their other kids. She scolds him for cutting into her Christmas shopping time. He offers to do the Christmas shopping to prove to her that he is responsible and attentive. He heads off to go shopping. Angie leaves. Lemon = still handcuffed. Credits.
Writers' room. Lemon tells the staff she has to pass the baton for the week while she promotes her talk show. Based on the fact that "it's not about who I like the most, or who's funniest," she gives it to Toofer -- who quickly blows it by reciting a Tennyson quote. Lemon moves to Lutz, who vomits slightly from the pressure. She asks a couple guys in the back, but they're not keen either, so she ultimately hands the dubious over to honor to Frank and his TEENAGE GRANDPA hat. His first mandate as HBIC is to get the tech guys to remove the internet firewall so the staff can stream porn.
Upstairs, Jack get a call from an I.M. Aduzsj, a.k.a. Jack's nemesis Devin Banks, who wants to force Jack to say "I am a douche" at least once. Jack falls for it but doesn't acknowledge it to Devin, who's down in D.C. Jack assures Devin that NBC is operating at peak efficiency, so Devin brings up the Dealbreakers talk show. He threatens Jack that he will take him to task if the show loses even one penny. Jack tells him he will make it work, then shoots, "Moron says 'What?'" Devin proves for the bajillionth time that he is a moron by saying the magic word. Jack cackles and hangs up, leaving Devin asking, "What? What does he say?"
A few blocks away, Tracy visits Yakov's Nubian Bling Explosion to get something simple and elegant for Angie -- a gift that really speaks to his responsibility. That is, until he gets distracted by something shiny in the display case. It's a hideous-ass "One of a Kind" necklace with a blinged-out nameplate that says "EGOT." Yakov explains that it was once owned by Philip Michael Thomas, a.k.a. Tubbs from Miami Vice. He commissioned the necklace to inspire him to win the holy quadrangle of entertainment awards: An Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony. Tracy gives up on the Christmas shopping and lays all his cash down for the EGOT necklace.
Lemon's office. Jack comes in to check that Lemon's prepared for Dealbreakers. It only serves to make her nervous, as he tells her it has to work. He makes suggestions about her personal appearance, at which time we learn that Lemon can't wear contacts because her eyes are too pointy. So Jack suggests Lasik and says the studio will pay for it. She hesitantly agrees. He says they're perfect before throwing it out there to change Lemon's name to Veronica St. Pierre. No, he decides, too much. Then he heads out, noting with an askew look that her hair is... fine.
Over in Tracy's dressing room, he plays Marco Polo with Grizz, Dot Com, and a samurai sword. Not dangerous at all! Angie comes in to collect the Christmas presents he got for the kids. He says there's no need. He got them all something better -- "I got us an EGOT necklace for me!" Angie says he just proved her point, but he insists that he's going to EGOT for all of them, especially little Chewbacquita Jordan. Angie takes him at his word and says she'll give him a daughter if he can win all the awards and prove how responsible he is.
Dr. Spaceman's office. The good doctor finishes up his "Lasig" treatment on Lemon and asks her to read the top line of a piece of paper across the room from them. She does: "Dear Dr. Spaceman, Thank you for your submission. The New England Journal of Medicine does not publish X-rated cartoons." Dr. Spaceman runs down her options for impulse treatments (face burn, bone morph, mouth peel), but Lemon tells him she can't do anything rash, looks-wise, since she is going to be on TV that week. Responds Dr. Spaceman, "Really? I think you mean radio." This unnerves Lemon, after Jack's little ants-in-the-pants dance earlier. Dr. Spaceman offers her something for her nerves, then remembers he's not allowed to have sex with his patients. He looks at her appraisingly once more and notes that her hair is... fine.
Back in the writers' room, the guys invite Frank out to Chuck E. Cheese for Divorced Hispanic Moms Night. He's too busy, with sketches to read and meetings to attend. Toofer shoots him a sideways glance and says, "Okay. Have a good night... Liz!" Frank shouts out that he's not Lemon, then delights in finding a delicious piece of ham under a script.
Over in Tracy's dressing room, Tracy listens intently and Kenneth takes notes as Grizz and Dot Com crunch the data on all past EGOT winners. Many of them have one thing in common -- composing a hit song. They all ascertain that Tracy will get his baby girl if he writes a really great song that inspires a TV show, which furthermore inspires a film and can then be adapted into a Broadway play. Tracy resolves to write the most popular song of all time.
The day, Lemon returns to the studio sporting a truly awful haircut (think '70s era Shelley Duvall with Real Housewife wings on the side and bangs cut by a two-year-old), not to mention a newfound insecurity about the way she says the word "camer-AH." As Lemon goes to change, Jack flips and runs to Jenna's room to tell her he has an actress problem. "Okay," she says, "Don't try to move the body yourself." Jack clarifies that the actress in question is Lemon, and she's gone to a zany place after he told her that she shouldn't wear her glasses yesterday. Jenna tells him that being on camer-AH makes performers vulnerable. Jack doesn't understand, because it's Lemon they're talking about. Jenna explains that Jack has created two Lemons: Regular Lemon and Performer Lemon. She advises him to "lie to her, coddle her, protect her from the real world." Says Jack, "I get it. Treat her like the New York Times treats its readers!"
Writers' room. A hatless Frank, plus a wavy new coiffeur, figure-hugging cardigan, smaller glasses frames, and old lady tote bag (in short: a twisted copy of Lemon) enters to tell the writers one of their bits (Rubik's Pube?) was shut down by the standards department. Toofer notes Frank's new resemblance to a one Lesbian Yellow-Sour-Fruit, and Frank gives a huffy explanation of how he got that way. He storms over to his office in a snit and slams the door before opening it back up, weepily cupping his head in his hand, and asking everyone, "What is happening to me?"
Studio. Lemon is on the 510th take of her titles sequence, and boy, is it a doozie. Think of every awkward gesture and facial expression you can, then double them and add raising the roof, seal clapping, Bingo Wing waving, and smiling like someone who's stuck in a permagrimace after about 3,000 facelifts. I'm sorry friends, this is not something I can give justice to with words. You'll just have to watch it for yourselves. As Pete grows increasingly frustrated, Jack employs the coddling technique Jenna suggested. He asks her to step in front of the high-def camera, only to discover that she is the spitting image of the Wicked Witch from Snow White in front of that thing. Jack pleads for her to step away.
Just then, Kenneth shows up with a bouquet of flowers. Jack thinks they're the ones he sent, but instead they're from Devin, who has included a card with a loving and thoughtful note: "FEMA paid for these showers, because your show is going to be a disaster." Lemon freaks out. Pete starts to wonder if he jumped the gun in getting a Chinese-character "freedom" tattoo. He walks away in front of the high-def cam, showing him as a naked old man. Jack asks Kenneth to give him a moment alone with Lemon, so he, too, walks away in front of the high-def cam which reveals him to be a bobbing, grinning muppet. Jack lies his ass off, telling Lemon she's better than Oprah. Still anxious, she runs off. Then Jack steps in front of the high-def cam, showing what must be younger footage of himself, because damn he looks good. Less than 30 seconds later, Jack's phone buzzes. It's a hysterical Lemon: "I fully understand the irony of what I am about to say... but I have locked myself in my dressing room, and I am not coming out!" Commercials.
Down the hall, Tracy is recording the most amazing song ever and has enlisted the help of everyone under the sun -- including, but not limited to, a mariachi band, Jenna scatting, Kenneth on cowbell, a four-piece jazz band, a DJ, a string quartet, and, I do believe, Tina Fey's husband on keyboards. Needless to say, it's effing horrible. To Tracy's credit, he realizes this. He marvels, "How can five of the most popular musical styles, all played at once, sound so bad?" He decides to seek guidance from a fellow EGOT-er. As he starts off, an even more Lemon-ized Frank stomps up with a hand on his hip to tell Tracy he's supposed to be at a fitting. Frank quickly realizes his condition has only gotten worse and shouts, "Nerds!" Tracy thinks aloud, "Is it me, or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?"
Over by Lemon's makeshift dressing room, Jack tries to talk his latest whacked-out starlet (that'd be Lemon) down from the ledge. She says she doesn't want to do the show anymore. He refuses her request.
Across town, Tracy consults EGOT-ress Whoopi Goldberg, who reveals that she got her EGOT on a bet, too. She won, forcing Arlen Specter to change parties, thereby creating the Supermajority. It happens, I guess. Tracy wonders why it's so hard to EGOT when he's paying all these people to do it for him. Whoopi tells him he can only EGOT with projects he believes in. Then Tracy notices Whoopi's Emmy is for Daytime. She says it still counts and advises him that awards will come if he does things from the heart. He asks her for a glass of water, then takes the chance to start snatching statuettes. But an EGOT-ress cannot be fooled. Whoopi catches him before he successfully absconds.
Back at the studio, it's Jenna to the rescue. Jack pleads with her to help him since she's the only one who knows where Lemon is coming from. Though she's unhappy to reveal a diva takedown maneuver, Jenna says she's always wondered why they didn't just take the door off its hinges. So off the door goes. Jack tells Lemon that she is bringing down the ship (not to mention exposing her entire audience to Kenneth's sanitized renditions of Garrison Keillor stories). He tells Regular Lemon to take a backseat to Performer Lemon for just a moment, so he can make some money. Lemon turns to the mirror to coax Performer Lemon out on stage. What follows is a scene strongly inspired by The Exorcist, but with more ham. Right after Performer Lemon tells Regular Lemon to kill herself, Regular Lemon turns around and starts crying -- from her mouth. Apparently that's a side effect of the Lasig. Jack decides he has to fall on the sword and tells Lemon to go home. Regular Lemon doesn't want to let him down, but Performer Lemon growls her into submission.
Down the hall, Tracy performs an impromptu R&B slow jam dedicated to the daughter of his dreams.
Baby giiiiiiiirl,
You're the missing piece, the perfect fit.
Baby giiiiiiiirl,
You're the product of doing it.
Most importantly, though, it's straight from the heart. Angie consents to make a baby, even after Tracy warns her that he won't be around because he'll be EGOT-ing. "Awwww," Angie coos. "Tracy Jordan, you're an idiot!" He responds, "I know. We're lucky people laugh when I say stuff." They smooch and start the baby-makin'.
The day, Lemon returns to her office beside the writers' room and puts on her glasses just like old times -- plus one janked-up new hair cut. Jack comes in to check on her. She says he should never have commented on her hair. He acknowledges that, and they agree that it will grow out nicely. She apologizes for ruining the show, but he tells her he was able to salvage the footage she filmed before the meltdown. From now on, he announces, her title credits will be playing on television sets in the background of all NBC soap operas. Upon hearing this joyous announcement, a stripey-scarfed Frank jaunts into the room. Relief washes over his face as he takes Lemon in his arms and kisses her on the cheeks, telling her never to leave him again. Realizing she's back to her old self, Lemon begins to cry. Still from her mouth. That'll take some time to right itself, I suspect.
Bonus! Lemon completes at least one part of her fantasy life by sitting down with a milkshake to watch herself dancing like a psychotic Chihuahua on meth in the background of an emotional scene between Bo and Hope on Days of Our Lives. She grins and shouts, "That's me!" every time her bit pops up behind Bo's head. After a while, even the characters themselves must take notice. She's just that... fine.
You're the jokes! You're below! Somebody bring you some laaaaaaaaaaaughs!
Lemon's Theme (The Most Ham That She Can Eat)
Lemon: Liz Lemon's got her very own talk show! [Singing.] I'm a star! I'm on top! Somebody bring me some haaaaaaaaaam! [Speaking.] I used to sing that when I was a kid.
Jack: Yes... Well, it's really happening for you, Lemon. Between TGS and this, you're like a swarthy, big-hipped Kelly Ripa.
Girl Talk
Tracy: Liz Lemon, I need to talk to you.
Lemon: What's up Tra?
Tracy: Come over here and check out my corner -- no trap!
Lemon: What?
Tracy: "Come over here," I said... in my normal tone of voice. Liz Lemon, I've recently realized I have a hole in my heart. And not the one I got from eating batteries. It's 'cause I don't have a daughter.
Oops! ...She Did It Again
Angie: Why are you handcuffed to the book shelf I built my husband?
Lemon: Tracy did this to make me tell you he wants to have a baby girl.
Tracy [pats Lemon on the head]: You did good!
Angie: Really? Have you lost your mind? I'm not going to raise another child by myself.
Tracy: What are you implying? I'm a very attentive father.
Angie: Oh please, Tracy. Where were you last week during Tracy Jr.'s birthday party?
Tracy: There was a better kid's birthday party up the street?
Angie: I can't believe you made me come up here for this! Now I won't have enough time to shop for Christmas presents and still get my hair did.
Tracy: Your hair did? You just got your hair did. You have to get your hair did again?
Angie: It needs to be did every week!
Lemon: Maybe we could un-did these handcuffs?
Angie: Cracker!
Tracy [overlapping]: Racist! ... You know what? Keep your hair appointment. I'll do the Christmas shopping this year to prove to you that I can be reliable and finish everything that I-- [Picks up coat and walks out.]
The Banks Ultimatum
Devin: D.C.'s great -- so many men in uniform down here.
Jack: If you're calling to check in on your bailout money, just read the budgets we sent. We're getting more efficient every day. Our healthcare costs are way down since we started putting something in the coffee to keep women from getting pregnant
Devin: It's funny, I have been reading the budgets. And I couldn't help but notice you're doing a talk show with your four-eyed little friend.
Jack: That is a business decision. She wrote a very popular book.
Devin: It doesn't matter. You know how bad that could look? Worse than me in Capri pants... which you'd think I'd be able to pull off because I'm tall.
Jack: What are you saying, Banks?
Devin: If this Liz Lemon project loses one penny, I am going to publicly flog you like... well, like me at the Provincetown Flogging Festival.
The Affair of the Necklace
Yakov: That belonged to Philip Michael Thomas, the actor who played Tubbs on the Miami Vice.
Tracy: Sure. I know him from the secret black people meetings. Nah! I'm just kidding! He's not invited. But who's the EGOT?
Yakov: EGOT is not a person, TJ. It's a goal. It stands for Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony -- four awards that Thomas planned on winning in his career.
Tracy: That's a good goal for a talented crazy person.
The Situation Room
Lemon: I've been on the other side of that door, Jack. You can't outsmart me. I know all the tricks. It's like that movie The Negotiator.
Jack: I didn't see that.
Lemon: In the end, the police chief turns out to be the bad guy.
Jack: I didn't say I wasn't going to see it! Lemon, what is it going to take to get you out of there? What do you want?
Lemon: I don't want to do this show anymore. Shut it down.
Jack: I can't do that. If this thing loses money, I may as well let Banks play out one of his gay home invasion fantasies on me.
Lemon: Then it's a stand-off. And I want pizzas for all the hungry people in here!
Corporate Relations
Jenna: Jack, I just got your business sext. What have you done?
Jack: This is no time to play the blame game.
Jenna: Of course, not. I'm not wearing my outfit.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see who we think are the best and worst 30 Rock guest stars!