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Lemon learns two rather important things this episode: 1.) Don't drink Frank's sun tea (it's piss!) and 2.) Her apartment is turning into condos. As for the latter, Lemon weighs staying in her own apartment and facing a sky-high rent increase, or taking Jack's advice and using her Dealbreakers money to expand into the apartment above. She opts for the second choice and finds in the apartment above a hipster (Nate Corddry) named Brian. He invites her to join forces with him and move in, to damn the man. She agrees, secretly planning to drive him out at the first opportunity.
Jenna suggests scaring Brian off with girly drama. Her attempt to do so goes terribly awry when she discovers he's gay and, thus, thrives on drama. So Lemon takes Tracy's advice and enlists Dot Com to play her "crazy black boyfriend" and scare Brian with his terrifying… ummmm, blackness? Yeah, that doesn't work either because "fight the man" Brian's actually an NYPD cop. Long story short, Dot Com ends up pinned to the floor in handcuffs. When all else fails, Lemon decides to fall back on the tried-and-true combination of inappropriate nudity and "sun tea" making in front of her roomie. As we learned some episodes ago, sometimes you have to dig deeper to make your way up in this world.
Speaking of digging, Jack and Tracy, for very different reasons, are both set on getting vasectomies. Some creative acrosticizing on the part of Tracy Jr. and some doped-up hallucinations thanks to Dr. Spaceman convince Jack and Tracy, respectively, to renege on their decisions. Look for little Donaghys and Traciettas in future episodes.
As for the sun tea, it only serves useful as an extended gag piece as Kenneth tries to reduce the show's carbon footprint -- including but not limited to another visit from Al Gore. Kenneth initially tries to make Lemon give up her mini-fridge. When she resists, Kenneth harkens to Frank as the most sacrificing, eco-friendly person on staff thanks to his recycling efforts turning the "sun tea" into beautiful azaleas. Azaleas, mind you, that Jack will later make Kenneth stick his face in and take a real good sniff. Suck on that, green initiative!
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open on Lemon, sleeping while a fitness show plays in the background. Ohhhhh, I've been there. Her door opens to a realtor showing the apartment to a young yuppie. The realtor mistakes her for the cleaning lady and tells her to leave, saying, "No Polish." Lemon corrects her, and the realtor informs her that her building is going condo. If Lemon refuses to buy or leave, they'll just hike up her rent to the point she can't afford it. Ah, New York, how I miss you!
Jack's office. Lemon asks him for a minute to discuss her conundrum, but Jack is absorbed by a New York Post headline about Don Geiss' estranged son suing Cathy for the control of the company. He rues families as a general concept and tells Lemon to talk about what she came here for. She tells him how she's being forced out of her apartment. He advises her to use her Dealbreakers money to buy it. She wonders if she should buy a bigger place to plan for a family with her dream-hubby-to-be -- astronaut Mike Dexter. Jack thinks she should do whatever it takes to secure her future. Because "in New York real estate, there are no rules. It's like check-in at an Italian airport." Credits.
Downstairs, Lemon finds Frank peeing in jars she formerly thought were used to make sun tea. Toofer comes in an acknowledges that they have a "gentleman's agreement" re: the sun tea. Lemon wonders what TGS would be like without the feminine touch of her, Cerie and Sue. Quoth Frank: "I'd take my pants off and eat chicken wings." Sounds about right. Lemon tells him to toss the jars.
Upstairs, Jack watches Bertram Geiss on TV vowing to fight his sister to the death. Shouldn't be too hard, since Cathy's lawyer is Teddy Ruxpin. Jack shuts off the TV, and Kenneth walks in. Jack tasks him with a five percent energy reduction at TGS as part of NBC's annual green initiative. Kenneth doesn't really believe in all that "scientist talk" about global warming, but he agrees to do Jack's bidding.
Over at Lemon's building, she knocks on the door of her upstairs neighbor, Brian (Nate Corddry). He has a killer apartment and moans about how all the yuppies in the building have been trying to bribe him to sell his apartment. The guy upstairs even offered him $10,000. Lemon casually slips the $20 bill back into her pocket. He complains about how the neighborhood has gone to chain stores and fancy restaurants. Lemon gets all "Power to the people" with him until she notices that he has a working fireplace. He says it's great, except the flue doesn't work, so it smells like Burger King all day and Cinnabon all night. Lemon bites her lip, lest the sound of ecstasy escape. Mike suggests they team up to fight the powers that be. He tells her he's got room in his extra bedroom. Lemon realizes this is a two-bedroom apartment and faints.
Later, back at the studio, Lemon tells Jenna her new, ill-formed plan to pretend to move in with Brian all the while driving him out, buying his place and constructing her dream apartment. Lemon feels bad, but Jenna tells her not to: "This is Manhattan real estate. There are no rules -- like check-in at an Italian sex party." She says she's been waiting for her -door neighbor to croak for years. At least Lemon has a foot in the door. Jenna vows to teach Lemon how to create maximum drama so that her guy roommate will willingly flee. As you might imagine, Jenna is a pro at this.
Down the hall, Jack checks with Lemon to make sure she isn't making fun of Don Geiss in the show that week. She assures him he's not. Then he walks into Tracy's dressing room to ask if having a family is all it's cracked up to be. Tracy says no, fairly graphically. Jack admits that seeing Geiss go through all these trials with his children has affirmed that he is not meant to have any, and therefore he is planning to have a vasectomy. Tracy, sick of having to censor his screwed-up strip club stories when the kids are around, vows to get a vasectomy, too. A little too late for that, buddy.
Jenna's dressing room. Kenneth flurries in to unplug all her chargers in an effort to reduces the TGS carbon footprint.
Dr. Spaceman's office. He urges Jack and Tracy to think things through before they go through with their vasectomies. He asks whether they want local or general anesthesia and bids them adieu until the morning.
Back at her new shared apartment, Lemon has put on the full Lauren Conrad, running-mascara look to freak out her roommate Brian. She screams and throws shoes at him while threatening to put on a wedding gown and jump in front of the subway. Instead of flipping out like she would have liked, he empathizes with how much men suck and offers to make her raspberry mojitos to smooth things over. In case you didn't realize by now, Brian's gay.
30 Rock. Lemon tells Jenna her plan backfired. Tracy tells Lemon what worked for him: Black people moved in, and his neighbors moved out. Lemon thinks he's on to something. Tracy says he's full of good ideas and excuses himself to go have a vasectomy in front of his son.
Later, Kenneth approaches Lemon to tell her about green week at NBC. She wonders if NBC will actually do something this year instead of just putting that "stupid green peacock" at the bottom corner of the screen. Kenneth anxiously averts his eyes down and to the left (where, sure enough, there's a little green NBC logo), then tells Lemon she needs to get rid of her mini-fridge. She hems and haws about it, but eventually gives it up to prove to Frank that she's a good and decent person. Then she acts a little bit racist by assuming a random black girl in the studio stole her cell phone. Whoops!
Hospital. Tracy receives his anesthesia and sinks into his hallucination. The setting: The Cosby's Brooklyn apartment/a trash heap. Tracy/Cliff calls out to his daughters (Rudy, Vanessa and "Sondra the boring one"). In marches Tracy Jr./Theo. Tracy/Cliff asks where the girls are, and Tracy Jr./Theo says it's just the guys there. Tracy/Cliff beholds the garbage piles and realizes that his life never evolved into the glorious, harmonious existence of The Cosby Show because he never had girls. The laugh track cackles, and Tracy/Cliff tells it not to patronize him. He wants out.
Lemon's new pad. Brian comes in (in his "This is what a feminist looks like" T-shirt) to check on Lemon. She pretends like she didn't realize he'd be home, screaming the last few words loud enough to cue her "crazy black boyfriend, Astronaut Mike Dexter." Pounding on the door. Lemon opens it, and Dot Com storms in shouting about how any man in the apartment "better be gay." Dot Com shouts about how he'll "be comin' by all the time, gettin' jealous, takin' things outta context..." He suggests Brian would be happier moving out. Brian tells them to calm down. While Lemon and Dot Com argue over obscure '90s references, Brian grabs his nightstick and takes down Dot Com with a pot shot to the knee. Lemon concedes that Brian the Gay Hipster Cop is a complex man. Brian smiles like only a New York City policeman can as he cuffs Dot Com.
Back in the doctor's waiting room, Jack rues the downfall of the Geiss dynasty and affirms his choice to get a vasectomy. Tracy Jr. argues that even the most messed-up families have some good times in them. To wit, he's working on a school project where he assigns words to the letters in his father's name (an acrostic, Jack teaches him, taking on a bit of a fatherly role). Tracy Jr. reads the poem: "'T' is for terrific, 'R' is for rad. 'A' is for awesome, 'C' -- 'cause he's my dad." Jack pushes down a sentimental tear: "Damn you, Tracy Jr."
Back at the office, Kenneth chastises Lemon for hanging on to her mini-fridge in defiance of the green initiative. She says she deserves to keep it, because she's losing her apartment. Frank tut-tuts her, and she asks him what he knows about being green. Kenneth counters that Frank is, in fact, the greenest person on the show because he never lets anything go to waste, including others' food in the garbage, and he never washes his clothes. Lemon notes the health hazard of Frank's "sun tea" making, but Kenneth points her to a beautiful flower box Frank has cultivated outside of his window by pouring his jars of urine there. Kenneth tells her she has two options: 1.) Give up her mini-fridge or 2.) Let Frank continue with his "sun tea" experiment. She opts for the latter.
Back at the hospital, Tracy wakes from his hallucination and begs Dr. Spaceman not to go through with the vasectomy. Luckily, Jack aborted the operation before it began ("If a patient's friend runs into the operating room and yells at you, you have to stop. It's the doctor's code."). Jack, who nixed his vasectomy also, looks forward to the day his luscious-locked children can play with Tracy's.
30 Rock. Lemon is nearly ready to admit defeat in her attempt to push Brian out of the apartment... until she sees Frank filling up his "sun tea" jars from the communal water cooler. Cut to that night, as she is filling up on fluid and crossing her legs like an about-to-burst first grader. She hears the door opening and starts to unzip her pants. Brian comes in and beholds the unholy sight with a look that can only be described as horror. The morning, she runs jubilantly into the studio, announcing that she got the apartment. Jenna asks her how, and she tries to dance around the answer, but Frank is nearby. He's onto her. He tells her she's the disgusting one. Instead of using the system to stop global warming, she's used it to kick a gay cop out of his apartment. She shouts boisterously that she has no regrets. It's Manhattan real estate, after all. No rules -- like checking in at an Italian gelato parlor. She triumphantly tosses her tote toward the sky like Mary Tyler Moore. Which would have worked if not for the low ceilings.
Over in Tracy's dressing room, Tracy proudly hangs up his acrostic from Tracy Jr. Frank runs in, excited that Tracy can finally tell his sordid strip club story. Tracy vows never to tell the story now that he's having a daughter because the story is demeaning to women -- "especially if they had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger."
Outside in the hall, Kenneth praises a handyman for changing a standard light bulb to a more eco-friendly fluorescent. The handyman steps down from his ladder, and it's Al Gore. He starts expostulating about how the key to climate change is much more than just changed light bulbs, it's shifting policy. Kenneth seems a bit baffled as Gore makes his way down the hall. Gore gives a final proviso for Kenneth to contact his lawmakers and "recycle everything -- even jokes." Then he hears a whale in trouble and runs off, ripping off his clothes as he goes like a fumbling, formerly woodsman-esque Superman.
Later, Kenneth happily reports to Jack that TGS has reduced its carbon footprint. Jack says he, too, has played a part in the reduction. He's traded his exotic flowers for azaleas from Frank's window box. Yes, friends. Those would be the "sun tea" azaleas. Jack inhales the fragrant piss and encourages an anguished-looking Kenneth to do the same, as they are still "sprinkled with morning dew." Ever the faithful page, Kenneth reluctantly takes a big whiff.
Oh, how I love the smell of punch lines in the morning...
Talk to the Geiss
Jack: Don Geiss is my hero, my mentor, a great man. Holding up one finger to get someone to stop talking -- he invented that.
Lemon: I don't think--
Jack [holds up one finger to shush her]: And now! He's being publicly humiliated by his own family. This is why I'm glad I never had children, and why I never will.
Lemon: Oh, Jack, you don't mean that.
Jack: Geiss also invented the abrupt conversational segue... Talk about your thing now.
The Madonna/Gwyneth/Donaghy School of Real Estate
Lemon: I love my building, but if I'm going to buy a place, it should be a big place where I can have a family.
Jack: Then spend some of your Dealbreakers money. Buy two apartments.
Lemon: What?
Jack: You know why my place is so big? When I was first married to my ex-wife, we lived in the basement. Over the years, I kept buying the floors above me to make room for the family I thought we'd have. Well now I have something better than a family: A walk-in humidor, a lap pool and a replica of the Irish pub where my grandmother was born.
Think Global, Poach Local
Jack: Kenneth, I have a task for you.
Kenneth: Is it menial?
Jack: As part of NBC's annual green initiative, TGS has to reduce its carbon footprint. I'm putting you in charge of that effort.
Kenneth: [makes quote fingers] "Global warming," sir? I'm sorry. That's just a bunch of scientist talk. Same people that would have you believe my great-grandfather was a monkey. If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey?
Jack: You're preaching to the choir, Kenneth. I mean, I love the earth. I have these blossoms flown in every morning from Sri Lanka on a private jet. That's the definition of green. And yet they force us to do more... more sacrifices. Why? For the children. What have children ever done for us?
Kenneth: Well, they make our shoes and wallets.
Kids Say the Effed-Up-est Things
Jack: Tracy.
Tracy Jr.: What's up, Donaghy?
Jack: Tracy Jr., to what do we owe this visit?
Tracy: It's Take Your Black Kid to Work Day.
Jack: Do you ever regret having children?
Tracy: Every day. I thought having family was gon' be like The Cosby Show: "Oh no, Vanessa went to a concert." "Oh no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes." The Cosby Show was a lie. Having a family can be the worst. For example, I have this strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It's disgusting. But I can't because I got this little d-bag here.
Tracy Jr.: I know what that means.
Tracy: And yet you won't tell me!
Jack: I've been thinking a lot about family lately, about my legacy. I've been watching a friend go through an ordeal with his children, and it has only affirmed that I was not meant to have any of my own. And that I never will.
Tracy Jr.: It's not that simple. Now, what if a girl tries to trap you, like Nicole tried to do me on the band trip. Bitches can be tricky... I'm goin' to get some strawberry milk. [Walks out.]
Tracy: Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa! I mean, having a family is also the best thing a man could-- [Look to make sure Tracy Jr. is gone.] He's gone. So I'm in the strip club with Charles Barkley and one of the hobbits--
Tracy Jr. [walks back in]: Hey daddy!
Tracy: Damn it! I can't live like this! I'm gettin' a vasectomy, too.
Jenna in Charge
Kenneth: Excuse me, Miss Maroney.
Jenna: Kenneth, I'm doing my Kegels right now, what is it?
Kenneth: Well, I've been put in charge of reducing TGS's carbon footprint, and everyone has to chip in.
Jenna: Kenneth, I once took a low-volume shower with Ed Begley, Jr. What more can I do?
Kenneth: Well, let's see... [Pulls out pamphlet.] Minka Kelly says, "My show is about football. There is a football team called The Chargers. Unplug your charger."
Jenna: But Kenneth, I need all of these. This one's for my cell phone. This one's for my laptop. This one's for my erotic massager. And this one's for something personal.
To Each His Own... Vasectomy
Dr. Spaceman: A vasectomy is a very serious decision. I want to make sure you've both thought this through.
Jack: I have. I've thought about it and decided I don't want to have children.
Dr. Spaceman [checks box]: "Family Planning." And what about you, Tracy?
Tracy: The Cosby Show lied to me!
Dr. Spaceman [laughs]: I don't think there's a box for that on the form. What about "Cheers Lied to Me?" Now, for the procedure you can choose between local or general anesthesia. I should warn you that general anesthesia can cause powerful hallucinations. So... I'd highly recommend it. I'll schedule both of you for the morning. Now this is surgery, so don't eat anything before you come in -- 'cause I'll have a big breakfast waiting for you. Until tomorrow, gentleman... We all see the little black boy waiting in the corner, right?
Jack and Tracy nod heads at Tracy Jr.
Dr. Spaceman: Okay, whew!
Wench Quench
Lemon: Brian is gay, Jenna. The drama did not make him want to move out.
Jenna: Well of course not. Drama is like Gay Man Gatorade, it replenishes their electrolytes.
Priceless Junk, Indeed
Jack: The Geiss name used to be synonymous with success, power, funny incidents where women died at barbecues. Now it's being dragged through the mud. This is why I'm having a vasectomy.
Tracy Jr.: Yeah, but look at that picture. He had some good times with his kids, too. That junk is priceless.
One Man's Garbage, Another's Green
Kenneth: Ladies and gentleman, may I present to you the greenest person at TGS, Mr. Frank Rossitano. He never wastes anything. I've seen him eat from the trash.
Frank: What's a trash can but a big salad bowl filled with trash?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see who we think are the best and worst 30 Rock guest stars! And get the latest recaplets, weecaps, blogs and more on-the-go via your smart phone with TWoP's mobile site.