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Lemon is overjoyed to see her book, Dealbreakers, has hit the stores. That is, until every man in New York starts blaming her for ruining their relationships by exposing their shitty behavior. Frank, Pete, a custodian, and even the bookstore clerk express their annoyance with Lemon. But Tracy, as usual, is the one to voice his discontentment with the most gusto. After his wife Angie kicks him out based on dealbreakers that Lemon has stolen from Tracy's oddball behavior, he bunks up with Lemon. In the midst of this, Jenna is still pouting about the new cast member. She announces she's flying to Iceland in the middle of the work week to film a werewolf movie. Yes, Iceland. The country where they have 24-hour sunshine.
Just when Lemon thinks it can't get any worse, Tracy brings back dozens of dogs that Kenneth frenziedly adopted while volunteering at the animal shelter. She takes the matter upstairs to Jack, who gives Tracy legal ownership over Lemon's life rights and tells Lemon to dig down deep to get herself out of this mess. She decides the only way to placate Tracy is to write a porn parody of her own life and let him direct. Inadvertently, this feeds Jenna's ego, and she finally stops acting out like an extension-clad, teeth-whitened toddler.
All the while, Jack is called down to Washington D.C. to defend himself and the company in front of a microwave task force. He gets down there only to discover that his arch nemesis, Devon Banks, is heading up the board. Devon reveals to Jack that he's spent the last year climbing the ranks on Capitol Hill, waiting for this very moment to take Jack down. Jack enlists an in-house engineer and the TGS writers to save the company by inventing the world's greatest microwave oven. As you might imagine, this task takes on Frankenstein-ian proportions and ultimately crashes and burns. At the last minute, Jack realizes that he can save the company by taking a bail-out check, thus making Devon (and the government) his immediate superior. The top to his bottom, if you will. Let the HoYay! begin.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Lemon walks down the street and passes a bookstore. Inside she sees, among other things, Dr. Spaceman's book, The Cigarette Diet, and her book, Dealbreakers. She proudly knocks on the window, where a clerk is sorting the books. She proudly screams through the glass that she's Liz Lemon, the author of the book. He turns around grimly and opens it to a certain page, then presses it to the window. Lemon reads the intended passage: "If your man is over 30 and still wears a name tag to work, that's a dealbreaker!" Pan to his name tag. She's all, "But not you, Mike!" Cringe... He picks up her life-size cutout and starts pummeling it violently, finally ripping off its head and smashing it into the storefront window. Quoth Lemon, "Blammo! Another successful interaction with a man!" Credits.
30 Rock. Lemon walks into Jack's office as he promises Don Geist he'll go see Fonzie's jacket at the Smithsonian while he's in D.C. He hangs up, and Lemon asks him to pick up her retainer (left behind on a junior high field trip) while he's down there, as well. Then she presents him a copy of her book. She mouths along proudly as he reads his blurb about the book aloud: "Lemon numbers among my employees." Such fond words! Jonathan comes in to get him ready for his bus to D.C. This includes collecting all his valuables, pinning an American flag on his lapel, and affixing J.C. Penney tags into his $8,000 suits. He says he has to attend a task force for the declining microwave industry, but he refuses to take corporate handouts. So it's to the Chinatown bus for him! Jack notes that Lemon left her retainer at the Air & Space Museum, then heads out.
Downstairs, Lemon runs into Frank, who starts spouting off at her about how her book is ruining his dating life. She shakes her head at his whopping five dealbreakers and walks on. She runs into Kenneth, who asks to take some time off for his charity work. Among other organizations, Kenneth helps animals not expose their bums and surveils no-goodniks in a 1984-style secret police program. Lemon approves the time off and continues on her merry way, as Kenneth writes who-knows-what in a notebook.
, she runs into Jenna, who boasts that she's been cast for a Twilight-esque movie that is filming in Iceland. She says filming starts that night. When Lemon says she has rehearsal tomorrow, Jenna pointedly remarks that Lemon should just get the new cast member to cover for her. Lemon says that Jenna shouldn't punish her over Jack's decision to bring on new actors. "Punish you? Please, Liz," says Jenna. "I've just always wanted to shoot a student werewolf movie in Iceland where I'm filling in last-minute for Victoria Beckham."
Lemon invites her to sit down and discuss this reasonably, but Tracy interrupts them as he runs up screaming, "Liz Lemon, you booger face! I'm going to kill you with a bazooka!" He hurls the book at Lemon. Guess who it hits. (Hint: Rhymes with "Schmenna.") Tracy says he bought Lemon's book for his wife Angie, and she's using it against him. She says it's on him, but he thinks it's all her fault and vows to punish her. Tracy and Jenna stomp off in separate directions, leaving Lemon with a bit of constipation face.
D.C. Jack cockily talks to his fellow task force members, but is interrupted by his less-than-ambiguously gay nemesis, Devon Banks. We get a double dose of "Bum, bum, bummmmmm." Devon proceeds to give him the third degree over all the inappropriate uses of corporate money that Jack has overseen -- some of which Devon himself enacted. Jack basically tells Devon to shove it, inspiring the flamboyant Mr. Banks to bring out his gavel and start pounding the table with it. Jack points out that there is no need for a gavel since they're not in court, but Devon is too drunk on power to care.
Lemon's apartment. She answers a frantic knock on the door. It's Tracy. He tells her that Angie kicked him out. Since she started this mess, and since he can't find his private yacht, he and his reef shark are moving in with her. She just needs to take the shark out of the plastic bag in the hallway and put it in a tub with a reef. Easy peasy! The bag rolls around in the hall as Tracy barrels into Lemon's apartment screaming, "I want pierogies!"
Elsewhere, an animal shelter volunteer tells Kenneth not to get attached to the animals. Kenneth says his farm upbringing has beaten the notion of pets out of him. And then he turns around to find a fluffy little fellow. Before he knows it, Kenneth has volunteered to adopt all the dogs on the slate to be put down.
30 Rock. Jack returns to his office and starts firing off orders at Jonathan. As he enters, he sees Devon strewn leisurely across his chair. He begins to outline his plan to overthrow Jack, which started a year ago when Jack broke his grip on Cathy Geist. He weaseled his way into the Obamas' hearts and suggested himself for the head of the task force specifically to stick it to Jack, with a laser gun no less. Jack tells him to give up now, but Devon reveals that he leaked the damning information from the hearing to the press. He spits, "By the time I'm done, you're going to make AIG look like the Lehman Brothers of Microwaves!" Jack tries to tell him the fallout this personal vendetta will create -- pensions! Employees! Microwave-testing kittens! But Devon is Hell-bent on destroying him once and for all. Jack vows to make the company profitable overnight so he can change the headlines to "Donaghy Saves GE, Marries Your Mom." As Devon makes his way out, he fires another laser at Jack, but the mogul has already developed a laser shield for himself. Suck on that, Friend of Malia!
Lemon's (and Tracy's) apartment. The phone rings at 2 a.m. It's Jenna, calling to explain that there were some unforeseen production delays on her film. Namely that the country is so far north the sun never sets, which creates a bit of a problem for a werewolf-themed movie. Jenna tells her not to worry because tomorrow they'll be getting a full minute of darkness. She throws it in Lemon's face again that she can just use the new cast member and hangs up. Tracy asks her what's wrong, and she says her employees are driving her crazy, so she's going to kill them in her sleep tonight. Tracy laughs heartily, and they fall into a one-upping, demented laughing contest. Lemon takes the last laugh and starts to go back to bed.
The phone rings again. It's Jack, asking her about a sexist microwave program. She hangs up on him. Before she can leave the room, Tracy asks if she wants to talk about the elephant in the room. She points to an actual statue of an elephant and says she doesn't even know why he brought that thing. He snaps back, "I mean the figurative elephant!" He starts reading passages from her book that are directly aimed at him. He says that's why Angie broke up with him and that Lemon stole his life. The least she could have done was pay for it. She wonders how he could possibly make her life any worse than it is right now. Cut to the Page desk at 30 Rock. Kenneth's posted a sign that reads, "Volunteers needed to adopt a dog! It's God backwards!" Tracy says he'll take all of them.
Over in Lemon's office, she moans to Pete about Tracy and Jenna's antics. He offers some advice, but it's not a good fit. Before he heads off, he casually mentions that his wife read Lemon's book, then shoves Lemon into the wall.
Jack sashays into the writers' room with a light bulb and calls a brainstorming session. Of course, he tells Lutz to stop mouth-breathing first. He introduces them to an engineer from the microwave decision and tells the writers that all he needs is "one idea that is as good as the light bulb." Frank pitches in with a tearful story about how sometimes burritos are too big the microwave and won't rotate. Jack supports the idea of bigger microwaves, moving on. Toofer suggests making microwaves that break down more easily so people are force to buy new ones more often. And now we're talking: "Bigger and not as well made." Pete points out that that line of thinking seemed to be the operative philosophy of the auto industry. And that turned out well! Jack insists that GE isn't the auto industry and that, so help them God, they'll make a giant, flimsy microwave for America. Jack leaves, and Lutz lets out a deluge of mouth breaths.
Upstairs, Jack, Toofer, and Frank watch as the engineer tries to execute a microwave with their insane requirements. The machine quickly morphs into an electronics disaster with four small doors and wheels. Because that's what you want -- a rolling microwaves. Make sure to put it right to the sink or, Hell, the bathtub!
Iceland, Jenna prepares for her one minute of darkness. The sun sets dramatically, and she gets distracted by a continuity issue. Before she can get her line out, the sun returns. She smiles and shouts, "Great day, everyone! You guys are the real stars." The student director throws down his hat.
Lemon returns home to find Tracy's million rescue animals sitting and panting happily in her apartment. Tracy smiles evilly. "Bum, bum, bummmmmm." Cut to Jack's office. He resolves their conflict by giving Lemon a dose of her own medicine. He promises Tracy the rights to Lemon's life. Tracy says he plans to do something humiliating with them and exits. Jack assures Lemon (with a colorful anecdote) that sometimes the only way out is down.
And down she goes. Downstairs at least... She finds Jenna has returned from Iceland due to a permanent hiatus on the movie. Lemon starts to hash out their conflict, but Jenna cuts her off, saying she has to go on. She claims she has mercury poisoning -- "from obsessively taking my rectal temperature." Now that's something I would have actually believed from the lips of Piven.
Upstairs, Jack and his mad scientist microwave design team are still at it. Now there are cup holders and the suggestion of replacing the microwave oven entirely with an AM/FM radio. They click for the final product, and Jack realizes they've just reinvented the Pontiac Aztec.
Downstairs, Lemon has another angry encounter with someone negatively affected by her book. This time, it's a custodian, who dumps trash all over her floor. She starts to pick it up and finds a bill amongst the refuse. She storms into Tracy's dressing room to ask if he ordered pay-per-view at her apartment -- six movies in two days, specifically, including The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt and Ima Do Us (a pun on Amadeus). She refuses to pay for his high-brow porn parodies. He refuses to be judged by her. He throws out a sentence that has words that I, a certifiable word nerd, don't even recognize. Essentially, she's in charge of paying for his booty movies until she fixes things. And the source of all those words I can't comprehend? He also used her credit card to buy a vocabulary course. Lemon confirms that, if she rights things, he'll take his dogs and leave. Seeing this as her opportunity to "climb down into the darkness," she tells Tracy she knows what he can do with her life rights.
Outside, she asks Pete to close up the studio for a few days, construct a set to resemble her apartment, and stock up on hand sanitizer. Pete is befuddled, so Lemon explains -- Tracy is producing a porno based on her life, and she's writing it. Sound familiar?
Upstairs, Jack forlornly says he never thought things would end like this. Devon sneaks up on him from behind (probably not the first time!) to wish him well in his new venture. Jack blusters something about digital media, but realizes he's sunk and turns to the bottle. Heh. Devon smugs that he was happy to be such a big part of Jack's plunge to rock bottom. As he starts out, Jack restores his pluck and says that, in fact, he can go lower... into the crevasse. Jack tells Devon he played things all wrong. Instead of trying to ruin just one man, he should have forced Jack to take bail-out money on behalf of the company, thus making Devon Jack's boss. Devon realizes his folly, and they have a homoerotically charged dom-sub conversation that ends with Devon phoning the president only to reach Sasha and have to shoot the shit about inviting boys to her birthday party.
Downstairs, Tracy prepares for his pornerrific directorial debut. He calls action, and Porn Lemon and Porn Jenna have a make-up and make-out conversation about the new cast member. Real Lemon and Real Jenna watch from the sidelines. Jenna shows that it's the small things in life when she thanks Lemon for picking the hotter porn star to play her. They hug it out, and all is right again. Porn Lemon and Porn Jenna are now furiously swapping spit, so Real Lemon suggests they leave the set. Real Jenna agrees, then sticks around to linger and leer a little longer.
Outside, Jack catches up with Lemon to make sure things have righted themselves. They agree it's been quite a week, even though it's only Wednesday, and Jack gives her one last token of a job well done: Her retainer. She tries to put it on her uppers. Yelping ensues.
Bonus material: Porn Lemon and Porn Jack walk the hall together and reiterate the same scene we just saw. Except, this time Porn Lemon, upon receiving the retainer, seductively takes off her glasses and asks, "How will I ever thank you?" Tracy yells "cut," saying, "This is disgusting! Shut it down."
As for the jokes, just a thought: First "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah," now Jenna's student film? I think Tina Fey may have a thing for the lycans...
Fung Wah Fo-Eva
Lemon: You're taking a bus?
Jack: I have to. Ever since these buffoons from Detroit took private planes, the rest of us have to put on a show. And now your president, who by the way is Kenyan and smokes cigarettes, has created an industry task force for microwaves and small appliances.
My Ideal Date
Frank: If your man collects action figures, that's a dealbreaker?
Lemon: What? Oh, yeah.
Frank: Last weekend I picked up this girl after practicing Jedi moves in Prospect Park --
Lemon: Also a dealbreaker.
Frank: ...I took her back to my house on the handlebars of my bike -
Lemon: As is that.
Frank: ...snuck her inside past my mom -
Lemon: Wow. That's four!
Frank: ...she sees my mint condition Hellboy figurine -
Lemon: That's five!
Frank: ...and starts quoting your dumb book! Yeah! Also, my girlfriend is mad... in Canada.
Charity Works Both Ways
Lemon: I didn't know you did volunteer work.
Kenneth: Oh, yes! I also help out at the Pants for Zoo Animals program and Big Brother.
Lemon: Really? I did Big Sister in college. That little girl taught me how to use tampons.
Kenneth: Oh, no. This Big Brother isn't affiliated with the mentoring program. It's an organization that secretly watches people and makes sure they're behaving properly.
Stripe-y Shenanigans, Indeed
Tracy: A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory!
File Under: Slush Fund
Devin: Is it true, Mr. Donaghy, that your executives routinely used company helicopters to dry their home tennis courts?
Jack: Yes and no. Yes that did happen, and no, it didn't not happen.
Devin: And that GE kept a party clown on retainer with a six-figure salary?
Jack: Silly Willy's fee was amortized over all birthdays company-wide.
Devin: I've been told that company money is being gambled at race tracks.
Jack: Yes, but I have a system. [Which he earlier described is based on horse penis size, FYI.]
Devin: In 2007, a GE officer used corporate funds to throw a Cabaret-themed Halloween party on Fire Island.
Jack: As I recall, that was you.
Dr. Do-Purnell
Animal Shelter Volunteer: The most important thing is that you not become emotionally attached to any of [the animals].
Kenneth: I grew up on a pig farm, sir, where all the animals -- even the birds that cleaned our teeth -- were workers, not pets. I never even had a dog 'cause, as my mom would say, "Ya can't eat love." And as my mom's friend Ron would say, "The donkey died. You're the donkey now, Kenneth."
[Walks over to a Maltipoo-type dog and picks it up]
Kenneth: Yep, just another animal. Might as well be a rat... An adorable rat, who shows you it's okay to be scared during a thunderstorm. Why, it seems crazy to me to even give a dog like this a name. For example, Bandit. And that one's Reggie. And up there's Digger!
Volunteer: Okay... the dogs scheduled to be put down today have red tags on them.
Kenneth: I will adopt all of them.
Devon's Choice
Devon: You know, revenge is a dish best served cold. Like sashimi or pizza.
Jack: You prefer cold pizza?
Devon: The morning after? It's the best.
Jack: Better than hot pizza? That's insane.
Devon: You don't tell me what kind of pizza to like! You don't tell me anything anymore, Jack!
One Beat Later
Devon: It was a year ago that you kicked me to the curb. I began plotting my revenge that very day. I knew that I had to align myself with something more powerful than GE, and since American Idol's not on until January, that left the American government. And so I spent all last Fall raising money, worming my way into the Obamas' inner circle.
[Flash to a little girl's bedroom]
Devon: Oh my God, Malia! He did not say that! Let's text him now!
[Flash back to Jack's office]
Devon: After the election, I could have had any ambassadorship I wanted. Even to the world's gayest country -- Ireland.
Jack: Ah!
Devon: Instead, I suggested that I take over this task force. See, I had you in my sights [Lifts up hand like a gun] Peeyoong!
Jack: What kind of gun is that?
Devon: It's a laser gun. It's unstoppable.
Jack: You listen to me, Banks. You keep your spray-tanned little hands off this company!
RIP, MJ
Jenna: You probably don't remember this because you've never played a moonologist, but werewolves only come out at night.
Lemon: Yeah, I remember that from the "Thriller" video.
Tracy: Too soon!
Why God Invented Voice Mail
Lemon: Hello?
Jack: Okay, as a single woman, would you be more inclined to buy a new microwave if it could be programmed to ask you about your day? Before you answer, consider your loneliness.
Lemon: I'm hanging up now.
It's Called Creative License
Tracy: Liz, I've been reading your book. Now I see why Angie's mad at me: "If your man has seven cell phones but won't give you any of the numbers, that's a dealbreaker." "If your man owns a diamond necklace that says 'Open Marriage,' that's a dealbreaker." Liz Lemon, every little thing I've done is in here. You used me to write your book!
More Gems from Parenting with Pete
Lemon: Tracy and Jenna are like children!
Pete: And like children, you can't reason with them when they're upset. All you can do is turn up the heat, pour some whiskey in their juice, and wait for sleep to save you.
Lemon: Well, that's not going to work for me because Jenna is immune to whiskey and Tracy is afraid of juice.
Roomie Arbitration
Jack: Since I have neither the time not the energy to even pretend that your situation is a real problem --
Lemon: I'm allergic to dogs, Jack!
Tracy [overlapping]: She doesn't like to refill the Brita!
Jack: I will cut the baby in half.
Tracy: And I will take the top half, for that is the part with the face.
Into the Mild
Jack: It's 1994. I went ice climbing, and I fell into a crevasse. I hurt my leg, and I couldn't climb back up. So, fighting every natural instinct, doing the thing that seemed most awful to me, I climbed down into the darkness. And that's how I got out. And when I got back to base camp, I went and found my fellow climber, the one who had cut me loose after I fell. And I said, "Connie Chung, you did the right thing."
From Top to Bottom
Jack: Sure, maybe you've ruined my career. Maybe you'll never see me again. But if you had forced me to take government bail-out money, you'd be my boss.
Devon: Ah! Oh my. You'd have to come down to Washington, report to me. Like a little school boy, your hands sticky from candy.
Jack: And the worst part is, I wouldn't even want the money.
Devon: No you wouldn't. Jack Donaghy taking welfare. It'd kill you.
Jack: So many jobs at stake.
Devon: You'd have to take it. I'd make you. I'd make you take it all.
Jack: I'd roll over and let you give it to me.
Devon: I'm honestly not trying to make this sound gay.
Jack: No one is, it's just happening
Devon: One word to the president, and I own you. I own this office, and I own that fancy little fellow outside.
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