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Thanks to Drew's insane gorgeosity, Lemon realizes that fantastic-looking people lead charmed lives that are not entirely deserved. The perks include offers from Calvin Klein to model underwear, despite merely brushing past him on the street in full winter garb; snagging a walk-in table at the hottest restaurant in town; scoring a tennis court from Gayfaces International, and everyone telling you you're the best at whatever you're doing, regardless of skill. Unfortunately for Lemon, this includes sex. Unfortunately for Drew, this includes doctoring. Cue Lemon's self-Heimlich. Lemon decides to inform of his shortcomings, and he seems game... for about five seconds. Then her plan all crumbles faster than a block of feta under a sledgehammer. Drew overcomes his frustration with leading a normal life and invites Lemon back into his life. She almost accepts, but the offer comes with a ride on his motorcycle, whose license plate may or may not read "DETHTRAP." Lemon wisely refuses, and thus endeth Dremon.
Jack renews Tracy's TGS contract, then unwittingly undermines himself by telling Tracy he really has no need to work anymore, since he earned an obscene amount of money last year. Tracy quits on the spot. Jack must employ a disastrous Bill Cosby impression, a fruitless Billy Dee Williams impersonation, and, finally Tracy's sassy kids, who make my life and are just as pissed about Tracy quitting as Jack -- mainly on account of Tracy's Eddie Murphy-level egotism in thinking he can start a musical career. In a last-ditch effort, Jack strategically employs Kenneth to prod at Tracy's weakness (a.k.a. being unable to do anything for himself). Kenneth proves unfit for this task, so Jack pulls a double-dog whamboozle and pretends to fire Kenneth, thereby tricking Tracy into returning.
Jenna concocts another press-grab scheme-slash-reinvention tour (with one stop). She plans to cut her luscious locks for charity on The Today Show. However, the minute she learns Tracy quit TGS, she backs out... even though she is live on air with scissors mid-clip. Last we saw, she was unaware of Tracy's return and furiously looking for a bottle of weave glue.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open as Lemon heads out for lunch with Drew. Kenneth gives her some sage advice... from the Wild West. Tracy interrupts because he has certain cravings that only Kenneth can predict. Kenneth goes off with him to rub his feet, and Lemon runs into Jack. They discuss Tracy's upcoming contract negotiation and reminisce about all the wacky events of the last three years. Jack mentions that he is handling Tracy's contract negotiation himself, which might be difficult because Tracy no longer has any need for money. Jack thinks that his personal relationship with Tracy will trump any of Tracy's monetary needs. He shows Lemon the "BFF" bracelet that matches Tracy's. Lemon learns that there is another, far dirtier meaning to "BFF" than "Best Friends Forever." I do not even want to know when it comes to Tracy Jordan... Likewise, Lemon walks off in disgust.
A little while later, she and Drew are walking in the snow, chatting. Except they can't even complete a sentence because Drew is too busy being ogled by every Tom, Dick and Carrie on the street. In the span of a minute, he gets complimented by a random female passer-by, wiggles out of a parking ticket, and is asked by Calvin Klein to be an underwear model. Keep in mind, Drew is fully clothed from the neck down. Now you and I know that John Hamm actually looks like this underneath it all, but for all CK1 knows, he could end up with some serious butter body hanging up in Times Square. Credits.
Back on set, Lemon learns the dirty secret of the beautiful world -- hot people get better treatment... and nookie in public places. Jack explains that The Bubble isn't always a bad thing, as was the case with him. Lemon gives him a "Bitch, please!" eye roll, so Jack pulls out a picture of a much younger, much better-looking self. Then he explains that, obviously, the perks don't last forever, so she should enjoy them while the gettin's good. Jack puts his reverse portrait of Donaghy Gray back in the protective case from which it came.
Over in the writers' room, Jenna announces that she is going to cut her hair for charity. Kenneth asks why. She explains that Tracy has stolen her own spotlight, so now she has to create her own publicity opportunities. She announces that she is getting her hair cut this Friday on The Today Show.
Over in Jack's office, he greases the wheels on renewing Tracy's contract, offering him a three percent increase. Tracy accepts pretty much immediately. Jack admits he's relieved on account of Tracy's gajillions of dollars from the video game he designed. Grizz and Dot Com try to shut him up, but Donaghy keeps on going on about the money. Apparently, Tracy hadn't yet mentally calculated his absurd net value. He quits on the spot.
Across town, Drew and Lemon hit the tennis courts. Drew notes how nice it was for "those guys to give up the court for us." Cut to a desperate gaggle of gays flirt-waving like the rent's due tomorrow. I take a moment to dolefully pine over the fact that there is actually an actor out there whose biggest credit to date is "Pathetic-Looking Tennis Gay." Drew warns Lemon that he was a tennis pro in college but says he'll take it easy on her. Moments later, they're playing. And Drew seriously sucks. Lemon jokes that it's been a long time since college, but Drew is blissfully unaware of what that means. Just then, a super-cougar butts in to ask Drew for a private lesson. Lemon begins to see the dark side of The Bubble.
And it continues on as Lemon discovers that Drew pretty much sucks at everything he does, including, but not limited to cooking (Gatorade-flavored salmon bourguignon, anyone?), sketching, sex, and even doctoring. In short, Lemon has to give herself the Heimlich.
The day at the office, Lemon confronts Jack about all the misguided "perks" Drew has received because of his handsome mien, a.k.a. "He sucks at life." Jack admits that there are some negative consequences of unearned super-privilege. Lemon vows to tell Drew the truth and save him from living a lie, though she does admit that she let him win tennis so she could make out with him. Jack warns her to be careful, intoning, "You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on."
He heads out just as a panicky Kenneth runs up to Lemon and tells her that Tracy quit. Jack runs up to stop the revelation, but it's too late, Lemon is miffed. Jack finesses that he's forming his counter-proposal, but at this point, Kenneth has gone into full-blown freak-out mode, which includes his real-life accent that is an unfortunate (but, of course, hilarious) combination of Southern, seriously mentally challenged, and generally prone to sputtering. Lemon lights into Jack about the fact that she has a live show to produce on Friday. Kenneth apologizes and admits he wasn't supposed to tell her about it. Lemon quickly realizes that she, for once, has the upper hand in the fuck-up department. She taunts Jack with a Donaghy impression that soon enough devolves into Christian Bale as Batman. Jack promises to handle this little snafu by show time.
Elsewhere, Team Jenna has convened to strategize this make-or-break haircut that will kick-start her "Reinvention Tour."
Meanwhile, Lemon heads into Jack's office, where Jack has arranged a conference call with Tracy and "one of Tracy's childhood idols," a.k.a. Rick from Accounting posing as Bill Cosby. Unfortunately, the call does not go as planned, because the Pudding Man schtupped Tracy's Aunt Paulette back in '71. Jack whips out a last-ditch Billy Dee Williams impersonation, to no avail. And it's back to the drawing board!
Later, Lemon meets with Drew for lunch. She tells him it will be a 45-minute wait. He offers to talk to the hostess, i.e. milk his sexy, but Lemon has a point to make that trumps even sandwiches. For Lemon, that's huge.
Over at 30 Rock, Jack has enlisted Tracy's kick-ass, besuited kids -- Tracy Jr. and George Foreman -- to help in Operation: Indenture Tracy. They are more than game, as he is proving entirely too useful around the house at packing lunches composed of mayonnaise and cigarettes, not to mention setting up a recording studio to indulge his inner Eddie Murphy They read Jack the riot act for making them into stereotypes and possibly not even voting for Obama. For shame! They say that Mrs. Jordan took a "spa week," a.k.a. ran for her life. Jack admits he needs their help, but Tracy Jr. has no sympathy for "the dumbest cracker in all of New York." He tells Donaghy to "Fix it!"
Back at lunch, Lemon persists in strategically covering Drew's face every time the waitress approaches so he can truly understand how the simple folk live. He marvels at how he no longer gets "sweetheart" cooed at him whilst coiffing complimentary absinthe and ordering off the menu. Lemon breaks it all down for him. The explanation involves the disclosures that Drew was the inspiration for Prince Eric in The Little Mermaid and that Giada De Laurentiis can't cook for shit, either. Not sure how surprised some of you will be re: the latter revelation. For God knows what reason, Drew says he wants to live like everyone else. He promises Lemon that he can take the honesty. Cue Lemon beating the pants off of Drew at tennis. He deems the racket "a fart" and her "a cheating bitch." "We no make out now?"
The day at TGS, Jack pulls his trump card: Kenneth. He recruits the scrappy young page to deliberately cut off Tracy, thereby exploiting Tracy's Achilles' Heel; not being able to do anything for himself. Just then, the phone rings. Kenneth seems utterly reluctant, but Jack promises this will be the only way to get Tracy back. Kenneth answers the phone in the voice of Cranston, a ragamuffin NBC Page on exchange from the gutters of Derbyshire. Tracy leaves a message.
Elsewhere, Lemon looks wistfully at a picture of Drew. Jenna comes in for a supportive conversation. Of course, it turns out that Lemon is talking about Drew, but Jenna is, of course, actually talking about her hair.
Over in Jersey, Tracy's family has abandoned him, too. He calls for Kenneth but instead gets a weeping Cranston.
Kenneth marches up to Jack to put an end to this madness. He pours himself a scotch as Jack makes the hard sell for his mercenary tactics.
Down in Studio 1A, Jenna is live with Meredith Vieira, touting her selflessness. Just as the stylist makes the first cut on Jenna's hair, Meredith brings up the fact that Tracy reportedly quit over a contract dispute. She spells out that that means Jenna is the only star left on the show. Jenna flips her shit and runs off a live TV show set with the sole snipped lock in her hand, desperately searching for some glue to reassemble her broken self. Oh, honey, it's going to take a whole lot more than glue...
Upstairs, Pete is freaking out, because there are only three hours left until they go live. Jack updates him that Tracy is in the building, and the ball is in Kenneth's court. Out in the reception, Tracy finds Kenneth and asks whether "Cranston" has relayed his messages. Kenneth stone faces that yes, "Cranston" has. Tracy says no matter, he's just come to get a few of his things (which are, apparently, a courtesy potted flower and a box of tissues). He lays it down to Kenneth that, if he walks out that door, it's oh-vah! Kenneth cracks under the pressure and confesses everything.
Jack walks out to intervene. He initially gives Kenneth the easy treatment, then informs him that he is fired because, with Tracy gone, he no longer has a place here at TGS. Tracy falls onto the sword and offers to come back to save Kenneth. Jack's wily plan has succeeded!
The day, Lemon finds Drew leaning sultrily on a motorcycle, waiting for her to return. He apologizes for acting a fool at the tennis court. In turn, she apologizes for throwing him in the icy cold waters of ugly before he really knew how to swim. He speaks a bit about rain on your wedding day and a free ride when you've already paid before inviting Lemon into The Bubble with him. Regrettably, that free ride into The Bubble is via his motorcycle. Lemon sees bloody calamity written all over that one and tells Drew it's not going to work out between them. They say their goodbyes, and he rides off, haltingly, into the sunset -- or at least a massive vehicular accident.
And now for all the fat necks in the house...
Lemons Who Lunch
Lemon: Kenneth, I'm gonna duck uptown and have lunch with my boyfriend.
Kenneth: Yes, ma'am. Is that code for some sort of older-gal medical procedure?
Lemon: No! Kenneth, I really have a boyfriend. [Pulls out iPhone to show pictures.] Look! He's handsome and a doctor!
Kenneth: A doctor. Well, don't get too attached. As soon as people realize his tonics don't work, it's on to the town.
Porn 'n Chicken
Tracy: Hey Ken, you know what I have a craving for?
Kenneth [pulls out paper bag]: Jerk chicken from that place in Mill Basin?
Tracy: And some...?
Kenneth [pulls out catalogue]: Catalogue photos of expectant mothers in their swimming suits?
Tracy: You're my Radar O'Reilly, Ken! Now get in here and rub my feet 'til you hear a chopper coming.
In This Economy...
Jack: Anyway, you know I'm handling the Tracy thing myself?
Lemon: Right! Play hardball! Get your business jollies!
Jack: Sadly enough, this time, with Tracy, it's not about money anymore. His company made a fortune, and he invested it all in a company that dismantled bank signs. They're doing very well.
You Don't Say!
Jack: You went to Plunder for lunch? How did you get a table?
Lemon: I don't know! It was packed, but the hostess just gave Drew a table. It is ridiculous how people treat him. The chef sent over food. Ladies sent over drinks. Mayor Bloomberg asked him to dance...
Jack: Well, beautiful people are treated differently from... moderately pleasant-looking people.
Cerie: It's true. [Flits off.]
Jack: They live in a bubble -- a bubble of free drinks, kindness and outdoor sex.
Mary Magdalene + Miss Piggy = Heaven in a Vignette
Jenna: Everyone gather 'round please, actor announcement! As you probably know, especially if you read Page Six... of my publicist's e-mails... I have decided to cut my hair and donate it to charity.
Kenneth: But Miss Maroney! Why would you cut your beautiful hair? You look just how I picture Mary Magdalene!
Jenna: Because I'm a selfless person who can't get arrested in this town. Meanwhile, Tracy's Jordan's face is everywhere.
Pete: Jenna, I already explained that. That was a police sketch of a flasher who happened to look like Tracy... we hope.
Jenna: Whatever. He's hogging the buzz!
Frank: You've got buzz! You were in that magazine that time.
[Show: Full-page picture magazine shot of Jenna in "Who Wore It Better?" getting schooled by the exquisite Miss Piggy, 84% to 16%.
Jenna: I don't even know what you're referring to -- and that was two years ago!
Now That You Mention It...
Jack: Tracy, I hope you know how much we value you here at TGS. I like to think of this staff as a family.
Tracy: This is better than a family! No one around here asks me for my damn bone marrow.
Jack: Well, why don't we make this easy around here and renew your existing contract with a three percent increase?
Tracy [waits about four beats]: Okay. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds.
The Downside of The Bubble
Lemon: Something happened with Drew.
Jack: Oh no! He's had a BFF?
Lemon: Ugh, never! It's The Bubble! He is a doctor who doesn't know the Heimlich Maneuver! He can't play tennis, he can't cook, he's as bad at sex as I am... but he has no idea!
Sit Down, Esposito!
Jenna: Thank you, Team Jenna, for being here. Obviously my Today Show charity hair cut is just the first stop on my reinvention tour.
Pete [under his breath]: This is serial killer language.
Jenna: My mother's boyfriend raised me to believe that a woman's hair is her crowning glory. A hair cut can make or break a career. Before "The Rachel," Jennifer Aniston was just a chunky nobody who couldn't get a job.
Hair Stylist: Wasn't she already on Friends?
Jenna: Richard Esposito, move to the back! But if I make the wrong choice, I could end up like Keri Russell, Felicity Season Two. Everyone shout out words that describe my beauty.
Pete: Fading!
Cerie: Eighties!
Richard Esposito: 1880s.
Hulu This Right Now! J-E-L-L-Hell No!
Jack: Lemon, you've met Rick from Accounting.
Lemon: Hi.
Rick [hereafter referred to as "Fake Bill Cosby"]: Hello.
Jack: I've arranged for one of Tracy's childhood idols to reach out to him.
Tracy: Hello?
Jack: Tracy, this is Jack, I have someone here who wants to speak with you.
Fake Bill Cosby: Tracy, this is Bill Cosby...
Lemon [whispering]: Really? This is your strategy?
Jack [whispering and smiling]: I heard him do this at a party!
Fake Bill Cosby: ...I want you to come back to the TGS for the people who like the jokes and the things.
Tracy: Bill Cosby, you got a lotta nerve gettin' on the phone wit' me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette!
Fake Bill Cosby: I think you're confusing me with someone else.
Tracy: 1971. Cincinnati. She was a cocktail waitress with the droopy eye!
Fake Bill Cosby: I'm the guy... with the pudding...
Tracy: Don't try to tell me what to do! Heathcliffe Huxtable, wit' yo' light-ass kids! Jack! Why would you make me talk to this man?
Jack: Tracy, wait! [Deepens voice slightly.] Tracy this is Billy Dee Williams, I just wanna say I love your work, it's very smooth... [Lemon groans and walks out.]
Binksploitation
Jack: Kenneth, I need your help. You know Tracy quite well, wouldn't you say?
Kenneth: Oh, I know Mr. Jordan like the back of my stepfather Ron's hand. I know all of his ATM pin codes. I know when he's cranky and needs his binky. I know that by "binky" he means 1970s pornography...
Follicular Discrimation!
Meredith Vieira: We are back with sketch comedienne Jenna Maroney.
Jenna: Thank you, Meredith, but please, I'm not a hero. I'm just trying to raise awareness that I'm more than just "that hot chick" on Tracy Jordan's show.
Meredith: So this is for Locks of Love?
Jenna: Oh no, Locks of Love turned me down. They said my hair was too processed for a sick person to wear. But this is for a wonderful charity called Merkins of Hope!
Morrisette, Table for Two
Lemon: Okay, maybe I shouldn't have done that to you, but you have so much potential.
Drew: But I'm happy this way. I didn't like it outside The Bubble, Liz. It was very ironic.
Lemon: No! It wasn't! That's not how you use that word.
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