Liz is walking down the sidewalk with some big shopping bags full of colorful plastic gewgaws when Kenneth comes running up behind her and offers to carry a bag. She tells him that she just visited the 5th Avenue flagship of a home storage merchant and purchased everything she needs to make her life complete. "There's a stacker thing to separate your junk mail from your humidifier catalogues, a thing you stick on your laptop that holds your keys, a round plastic deal that holds your shoes, with a pocket for a photograph of what shoes are in there. I'm going to become wonderful. It's a new beginning, like a phoenix rising..." Or, in Liz's case, a nerdy bird being slammed to the ground by a bike messenger. Which is what just happened to Liz. Looking up from the wreckage, she tells Kenneth, "Or, maybe this is gonna be the worst day ever." I think that's always a safe bet. Credits.
Liz walks into the crowded but totally silent writers' room and tells everyone to shut up. Including Lutz, who I'm not sure has had a line in the last several episodes. Liz tells them about how her morning's been going: "Already today, I have lost faith in decorganizing, chipped a tooth, and lost a shoving match to what I thought was a female bike messenger." She's just asking the crew to give her a good 12 to 14 hours of normalcy. Frank enters the room and seconds her request. Except that he's in his underwear; apparently, it's just too hot in his office. She makes him go change. You know, Frank, they wouldn't make you wear pants if you were at Columbia Law. 'Cause that's how they roll. Liz asks Cerie to make her a dentist appointment. But Cerie tells her she can't go today, because she has jury duty. Liz can't figure out how the New York authorities found her, since she's registered to vote in Illinois. It turns out that Cerie changed her voter registration. And then Jonathan enters to tell her that Jack needs to see her about what Tracy and Jenna did during the St. Patrick's Day parade. Did it involve drunkenness?
Liz enters Jack's office. A chastised-looking Jenna and Tracy (both wearing green) are sitting on his sofa. Jack tells Liz that he asked Jenna and Tracy to anchor NBC's live coverage of the parade, but he leaves it to them to explain why it went so very wrong. There's a leprechaun in the room, representing the parade committee. Jenna explains ("As I'm sure you know from reading my blog") that she's been working on her Janet Joppler movie while also filming the TV show, leaving her incredibly sleep-deprived. The leprechaun thinks that's no excuse. Jack runs some footage of the incident: Tracy is doing a not-crappy job of reading the cue cards and announcing the step dancers behind him when Jenna just falls asleep and keels over, knocking over the Irish flag. Tracy (on the video): "Wake up, mother--!" Jack turns off the video before we can finish that thought. The leprechaun stomps out. Jack chastises Tracy and Jenna: "Passing out and cursing on St. Patrick's Day? Is nothing sacred?" Jack tells Tracy that the FCC is fining him personally $50,000 for swearing on live TV. Liz wakes up Jenna and tells her she's spreading herself too thin. Jenna: "I only heard the thin part, Liz." Jack agrees with Liz -- Jenna can't do both the television show and the movie. Jenna instantly chooses the movie, and Jack tells her that the real solution is to cut down on her role on TGS while also cutting back the scope of the movie: "We could cut the lesbian scene." Jenna: "But the Oscars love that kind of thing." By which she means two guys in her gym named Oscar. Liz tells her that she's going to the doctor. As they all leave, Jack tells Liz he wants a calm week downstairs, as he's too busy dealing with the launch of his new lunch-pail-sized microwave oven to deal with any shenanigans. Liz is thrilled at the idea of a pocket microwave, and she's even happier when she sees that it has a "ham" button. "You used my idea!"
Jenna's consulting with Dr. Spaceman, who tells her that between his medical practice and the job where he... has a medical practice at NBC, he sympathizes with her predicament. He offers her some pamphlets about "stress, and diet, and doing a movie and a TV show at the same time" (Frankie Muniz is on the cover), but the real answer is drugs. And it just so happens that he's involved in a clinical trial of an anti-sleep drug that's being funded by the U.S. military and the WNBA, and he's looking for human subjects. Jenna: "Where do I sign up?" Dr. Spaceman: "Please, we don't want a paper trail." They laugh, and then he gives her a vial of pills, telling her to take 25 a day. For the rest of her life.
Liz tells the writers that she's sure she'll be back from jury duty quickly, since she has her Princess Leia costume and some vintage Playgirl magazines. Frank asks who's in charge while she's gone. Since Pete is away for spring break, Liz tells them that absolutely nobody is in charge. Kenneth is terrified at the thought that nobody will be there to abuse him, but Frank tells him that they'll all pick up the slack.
On her way out, Liz is ambushed by Tracy, who's trying to sell her half of his $100,000 watch so he can pay his fine. Liz just hopes he learned a lesson. Tracy: "I sure have. I learned if you pay some money afterwards, you can say whatever you want on TV. I can even say what Ernest Borgnine whispered to me." Liz tries to tell him that this is not, in fact, the lesson. Tracy: "That's always the lesson. If you have money, you can do whatever you want. Now I'm off to appear on Martha Stewart Live." Liz tries to follow him to talk him out of it when she's ambushed by an overly perky Jenna, who's totally psyched that her military grade anti-sleeping pills will let her continue her work on both TGS and the movie. Liz begs them (and Frank, who's back in his underwear) to give her just a couple of hours of normalsauce while she gets out of jury duty.
Princess Leia Lemon tries to scare the judge out of putting her on the jury, but he thinks she looks completely normal when compared to the rest of the New York City jury pool. [It's pretty much true. After walking around NYC every day, I wouldn't even blink twice at a grown woman in a Leia costume. - Angel] Commercials.
Dr. Spaceman observes his lab rat drinking from his water bottle and notes that the subject is unusually thirsty. Cut to Jenna in the writers' room draining a one-liter bottle of water. Jack enters, holding his pocket microwave: "Everyone shut up! Shut up, Lutz!" He needs the writers' help; it seems that legal has nixed the name he spent three years coming up with in an attempt to appeal to "the marketing holy trinity: college students, the morbidly obese and homosexuals." It appears that a Franco-Dutchman would find the chosen name, "The Bitenuker," to be horribly offensive. After saying the name, he apologizes to Ms. LaRoche Vanderhoot, who did find the name horribly offensive. Jack tells them that they're all going to help come up with a new name: "Remember, this isn't TGS. Let's not shoot for the middle this time." Also, he would like Frank to wear some pants.
Liz asks the imperial guard (a.k.a. the bailiff) how long the trial might last. The bailiff tells her it should last a couple of weeks and then tells her to drop the voice, since her Chicago weirdo act isn't half as weird as the real New Yorkers sitting in the jury room. Liz calls Kenneth. He's thrilled to hear from her, as "the pig spoor has hit the windspinner." Tracy has been going on a live TV cursing streak, Jenna's been drinking toilet water and as for Kenneth, well, "I keep trying to sneeze and nothing comes out." Liz tells him to calm down, and begs him to try not to let anything else bad happen. Kenneth: "I'm in charge."
Dr. Spaceman tells his buxom blonde companion ("Dr. Vicky," I believe) that the lab rat has been pawing the glass of his cage for eight hours. Cut to Jenna, pawing the glass of the studio where they're shooting the Janet Joppler story.
Liz emerges from the elevator. Kenneth is displeased to see her, as that means he is no longer in charge. As she passes, he tears down a poster that declares "No beards or moustaches in the workplace." Liz enters the writers' room and finds it abandoned. She wonders aloud where everyone is. Jack, emerging from the shadows, "They're all dead, Lemon." By which he means, "They're all dead unless they come up with a name for my microwave." He's locked them in his own office to remove them from the distraction of foosball. Liz wonders who's writing the show -- Jack tells her that he's sure she can do it. And then he comes up with half a dozen sketch ideas that are all crap, and yet funnier than most anything on Saturday Night Live this year. And yet, when he asks her for ideas for microwave names, all she can come up with are "the Small Wonder, the Micro Mate, the Porta-Hottie." Jack tells her not even try if she can't be serious. [What? All of those are briliant! - Zach] He also wants her to deal with Tracy; it doesn't matter if he can afford to pay the FCC fines, because his cursing is going to cost TGS all of its advertisers, thereby costing the entire crew their jobs
Liz enters Tracy's dressing room, where she finds him hard at work trying to come up with the most offensive curse words possible. He tries a couple out, and then tosses her a wad of bills to pay his fine. In trying to talk him down, she swears herself, and he holds his hand out so she can pay her fine. She tells him that he's hurting the crew. Tracy: "I don't want to hurt the crew. I love the crew. All we do is joke around together about our stupid boss, Liz Lem..." Liz: "Unless you know an advertiser who really wants to be associated with this, you need to stop." This gives Tracy the idea of buying all the advertising himself so he can say whatever the hell he wants. He calls Kenneth to set up a meeting with the folks in ad sales, and is upset when he learns that Kenneth is no longer in charge.
Jonathan tries to give Jack the message that Tracy wants to meet with him to celebrate his new ad campaign, but Jack shrugs him off so he can work with the writers on a name. It appears that all of their earlier suggestions have been rejected by legal as offensive to someone in some language. Jack thinks they should try to just pull Scrabble tiles from a bag to see what they come up with. The first three letters he pulls are V-A-G. So he starts again, and gets N-I. [He gets a glare from Toofer, which is pretty much the most he's done in the last couple episodes, too. - AC] Seeing where that's going, he decides to pull a handful at once, and gets H-I-T-L-E-R. And then it's time for a break. Jack asks Jonathan to get Liz for him.
Liz is in the jury box when her phone rings. She sees it's coming from the show, and ignores it to focus on the testimony she's hearing. Which is from a Ms. Gawkey, who is describing the horrible day she had at her job managing a Mailboxes Plus on December 17. It seems that she "sent Malik uptown for more 18-inch boxes, but he returned, unrepentant, with 12-inch ones." Also, she suspects that tardy employees Christine and Harry S. were "doing sex with each other." The questioning attorney asks how many people she supervises. Ms. Gawkey: "I supervise 12 employees, most of whom would be unemployable in any other field. They are selfish, irresponsible people who I know talk about me behind my back. They seem to think that their job is wasting my time and energy by making their every miniscule problem my personal responsibility. They don't care. And don't even get me started on Tracy and Jenna!" Lemon was already looking uncomfortable, but that one gives her a start. "And when the last one of them trundled off that night, I smelled the air and I could feel that it was time. Time for a new beginning. And I knew that this was possible only through a cleansing fire. It would all have to burn. The packing peanuts, the delivery slips, all of it would dance in the warm mouth of my fire, and a new better, wonderful me would rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Behold, the splendor of my beginning!" It's too bad she confessed -- from the look on Liz's face, this jury would never have convicted her. The prosecutor rests his case. I rest my case that this was the finest non-famous guest performance ever seen on this show. [Jackie Hoffman is famous... well... maybe only to theater geeks like me. - AC] Commercials.
In his office, Jack announces that desperate times call for desperate measures. He's actually going to take ideas from underlings Jonathan and Kenneth. Jonathan's idea is for a movie that combines action and romance. That's all Jack wants to hear from him -- he asks Kenneth for his ideas for a name for the pocket microwave. Kenneth immediately comes up with "Funcooker." Jack loves it. He sends Jonathan to call legal. And then Jonathan tells him that it's time for the reading of Tracy's apology on television. Cut to an Access Hollywood anchor reading Tracy's statement of apology. And then they cut to a commercial, which features Tracy explaining that he does not really apologize. And then he acts like an advertising robot in order to fill up his thirty seconds. Jack turns off the television; he's not upset, because he has the Funcooker.
In the courthouse, Liz is calling Kenneth to tell him that she'll be able to return to the show within an hour. And then the bailiffs lead Ms. Gawkey past her. Ms. Gawkey: "Where you rushing off to? Work? Not me. I'm gonna have a sandwich in my cell and take a nap. This man [referring to the bailiff] opens doors for me. I'm free. Freer than you. I'm freer than you!"
Dr. Spaceman tells Dr. Vicky that his lab rat, Professor Bananas, is dead. He needs to borrow her car. On stage, Jenna is just putting on her bear outfit. She tells Kenneth that she's doing great. But she wonders, "is your vision steadily narrowing down to a pinpoint, as if the darkness is closing in on you?" That hasn't happened to me since I quit recapping Grey's Anatomy. In a hallway, Jack is watching a monitor, which is showing the scene being set for the "Robot & Bear Talk Show" sketch. Liz runs in, out of breath. Jack tells her that everything is fine. And then, as the sketch goes live, Dr. Spaceman runs through the corridor, screaming, "Jenna needs to sleep or she's going to die!" On the monitor, we see him run onto the set and ask which of the two bears (along with one robot) is Jenna; when one bear raises its paw, he starts smashing the bear's head against the talk-show-set coffee table and shouting for her to go to sleep. [The sketch is instantly funnier than an entire episode of SNL. - Z] It takes a few seconds for this to register with Jack and Liz, and then they run into the control room. Tracy (who is not in the other bear costume or the robot costume) has jumped onto the stage. Liz whispers a prayer that Tracy will cover for Jenna and Spaceman. Instead, Tracy shouts out, "Hey, America! Check out my funcooker!" And then he moons America. He moons America good. Jack can't believe Tracy just used the word "funcooker." Kenneth is standing behind him: "Oh, that's where I've heard that." Jack runs onto the set just in time to get smashed in the face by a stool that Spaceman is using to hit Jenna. And then Liz tells the director to go to commercial. Which, unfortunately, is just another commercial in which Tracy shows America his funcooker in order to fill 30 seconds.
Everyone glumly files into Liz's office for a good lecture. She apparently needs to do something first (maybe speak with Jack?), so she tells them that she'll be with them in a few minutes. Tracy: "Can we get some Diet Slice and pita chips up in here?" Liz closes the door and starts to walk away, but then she sees some matches underneath her Princess Leia costume (which is sitting on a bookcase right outside her office door). She picks up the matches, knocking the costume on to the floor. Her Lifetime-television-movie music plays as she contemplates the cleansing power of a good fire. She even lights a match and watches it dance in the breeze from the air conditioner. But then she comes to her senses and blows it out. Unfortunately, when she throws the no-longer-burning (but still quite hot) match over her shoulder, it lands on her highly flammable, cheap synthetic Princess Leia costume. Which bursts into flame. Liz turns, sees the flames, and exclaims, "Bitenuker!"
Firefighters have arrived and put out the fire, and they're escorting TGS staffers through Liz's now-burnt door. Jenna gets a smile from the hot firefighter, but Cerie gets picked up and carried out of the room. As each staffer leaves, he or she stops in front of Lemon and tries to assuage her murderous wrath. Frank, for example, promises to wear pants at work. Tracy can't believe she tried to murder him over a Diet Slice and some pita chips. Dr. Spaceman has the best line: "Nice try, Liz. Now it's my turn." Kenneth is too scared to say anything at all. The thing that makes Liz the saddest of all is that her plastic organizers all melted in the fire. Jack tells her that they've both had a bad week. His suggestion is that they each go to their respective homes, drink some wine, and use their Funcookers to cook some ham in the shower. Liz: "It works in the shower? You know what, this really is the best day ever."
And now for some pocket-microwaved goodness.
The challenge on Hell's Kitchen?
Kenneth: "Are you pickling squirrel meat? 'Cause I can lend you my skull presser."
Thank God this product placement didn't involve Alyssa Milano:
Cerie: "What's wrong? You told me to be more proactive."
Liz: "No, I told you to buy more Proactiv."
In 1990, I hit the trifecta!
Jack: "I spent the better part of the last three years coming up with a portable, miniature microwave oven. Most of that time has been spent focusing on coming up with a hip, edgy name for the product, something that will appeal to the marketing holy trinity: college students, the morbidly obese and homosexuals."
This is how Jim Bunning got his start:
Liz [on the phone]: "I will head up there as soon as we are dismissed for the day. Try not to let anything else bad happen."
Kenneth [hanging up]: "I'm in charge. Attention, everyone! All menstruating women go home immediately!"
I think I know that guy:
Jack: "Okay, everyone, it's back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas. Every one of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank."
Frank: "They knew what a Hot Richard was?"
At last, a slogan I can get behind:
Dr. Spaceman: "Sleep or die!"
Would you want to work at TGS? Or would you have to resist the urge to lock the staff in an office and torch it? Get our take. Then discuss this episode in our forums.