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Lemon sets her sights on a knocked-up teen who works at the 24-hour donut shop below 30 Rock. ["I have yet to find this mythic place." -- Angel] Amazingly, she actually keeps it together long enough not to snatch the still-developing fetus straight from the girl's womb. She does, however, offer the little minx a bunk "Youth Consultant" position at TGS, all the while buttering her up with effusive praise for her terrible teen music. Trouble arises when the father shows up, and Lemon spontaneously morphs into a teenage Nadya Suleman: "Like, OMG, don't let them take my bbs away!" She tries to eject him from the building, but John Lithgow arrives to teach her a very special lesson. She has a crisis of conscience and reunites the reckless young lovers so they can sing about rainbows and cobwebs for the rest of their livelong days (or at least until their Skype fight) and screw up that bastard child real good. Lemon, 0; Committee Against Lemon Babies, 427.
Jack and Frank bond over Harry and The Hendersons… and, oh yeah, how much their absent fathers have impacted their lives. At Jack's advising, Frank reclaims the spot he secured at Fordham Law School God knows how many years ago. He even spiffs himself up for the occasion. Let me tell you, a cleaned-up Frank bears an eerie resemblance to Penn Gillette. That is not a compliment. That is never a compliment. Jack visits Frank's house to celebrate, and Frank's mother is Patti effin' LuPone. "Mama's talkin' loud! Mama's doin' fine! Mama's gettin' hot! Mama's goin' strong…" But everything is not turning up roses when Mama informs Jack that Frank's dad was actually one of a long line of lawyers… for the mob. He didn't abandon Frank as was earlier supposed. He's in hiding. Taking a lesson from George Henderson, Jack decides he loves Frank just as much as a massive woodland ape, so it's only right to send him back to the wilds of the writers' room. week: The triumphant return of slogan hats!
Jenna and Tracy's bizarro symbiosis heaves another step up its rickety ladder when Jenna's upcoming birthday reminds Kenneth that he doesn't have Tracy's birthday in his over-eager Page calendar. Because nothing is even remotely normal in the life of Tracy Jordan, he informs Kenneth that he has no birthday -- his childhood was too poor for such luxuries. Kenneth commandeers Jenna's fancy schmancy party so Tracy can have his first official birthday. Naturally, the fact that everyone's concentration will not singularly fall on her displeases, nay disturbs, America's Top Attention Whore. No amount of phony injuries, skintight frocks, or general Jenna-tasticness can tear everyone's attention away from… well… pretty much anyone but Jenna, so she throws in the towel and climbs out of her wheel chair. Yes, the Jenna-tasticness has escalated -- or shall I say, stooped? -- to wheelchair deployment. Check back week for Adult Onset Autism. Ironically, Tracy reveals that his one birthday wish was for Jenna's (fake) injuries to be cured. So when she leapt up like a holy roller, he got his wish. She gets the satisfaction of knowing she was the object someone's -- anyone's! -- attention, and all is right again in Tracy-versus-Jenna-land. Now if they could only focus their peculiar powers on reducing carbon emissions or enacting world peace. Now there would be some real monkeyshines!
Who'd be Jack's perfect TV romance? Find out.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Another Friday night edition of TGS has just wrapped at 30 Rock. Frank invites Lemon to accompany him and Lutz to a bar with ninja waiters. It's the only kind I frequent, personally. Lemon declines, saying she's going to score some donuts and crash at home. Jenna, in a chicken suit, of course, interrupts to hiss about Lemon cutting her "Diaper Chicken" sketch. She storms off, and Pete and Lemon speculate which crazy stunt Jenna will pull for attention this time. Oh, that Jenna! Pete aims wide with "death of a voice coach," but Jenna chooses the far more recyclable fake injury. As they walk out, Pete says that Jenna's upcoming birthday (and all the attention she will receive as a result) might heal what ails her.
Lemon sees Jack and calls out to him. He admits has no plans for Friday night since Elisa went away. He yearns for somewhere to socialize where women aren't an issue. And lo and behold! He spots the writers, a.k.a. Franky Frank & The Schlumpy Bunch. Bingo! He glides off to join them. Credits.
Lemon and Pete have arrived at the 24-hour donut shop, but the teenage girl at the counter is too busy reaming out her boyfriend via voicemail to do her job, so Lemon meeps and moops for service. Finally, the girl turns around to reveal a pregnant belly. Side note: Some of you dorks -- like me, for example -- might recognize the girl as Anna from Spring Awakening. "Mama Who Bore Me," anyone? Lemon eyes the girl's engorged stomach like a ragamuffin who has just spied a piece of three-day-old bread. Just in case the protruding belly button wasn't enough proof, Lemon also spies a bunch of pregnancy and adoption pamphlets scattered on the counter as the teen harlot takes her order. Lemon seizes this moment that is so ripe for the baby-picking and decides to stay at the donut shop with her dozen assorted and the pregnant girl. We'll call her Jamie Lynn. Pete isn't too keen on this idea or Lemon' crazy eyes, but she basically pushes him out the door before he can further express his moral objections.
Meanwhile, the boys are having their night out at the crappiest theme bar ever. It's literally just a sports bar with waiters who are pissed they have to balance drink trays and unwieldy swords all night long. Jack gets the fellas to fess up to what their fathers pretend they do instead of that waste-of-time occupation that is writing. It comes out that Frank doesn't have a father. Nor does Jack have a father in the picture. Frank's father left to fetch the candles for Frank's fourth birthday lasagna... and never returned. Frank's made it his mission to restore the family name. His journey toward credibility took him to law school, but he had to drop out after a semester because his mother fell ill.
Jack asks what the guys are planning to do . They plan to transition boys' night out to boys' night in with a screening at Lutz's place. What movie, you ask? Why that old-time, Sasquatch favorite Harry and the Hendersons! Jack doesn't do movies in middle-class squalor, so he invites the fellas over to his place.
Back at the donut shop, Jamie Lynn is telling Lemon her life story, which ends with the prophetic words, "and meanwhile, his MyFace page still says 'Status: Horny.'" I need to find this MyFace. I could be "Status: Surly." Lemon shakes her head in sympathy. Jamie Lynn thanks Lemon for listening. Lemon asks what she plans to do . Jamie Lynn says she's thinking about adoption, but none of the candidates are down with the times. "Not one of them even knew who Ne-Yo is!" she gripes. Lemon vaguely hums and mumbles a song that more closely resembles Gordon Lightfoot than Ne-Yo, but Jamie Lynn grasps at her attempt to identify like it's manna from heaven. She's so glad to have finally found somebody cool. Lemon plays along and chows down some more on her donut.
Cut to the dramatic climax of Harry and the Hendersons. That ape can really act! The boys are awestruck... Well, except for Lutz, who is asleep with a hoagie in his hand. As you do. Jack spells out the moral of the story: George Henderson had to be cruel to be kind, for Harry was not one of them. "It gets me every time," sniffles Frank. They compare the film to Jack's favorite flick, Shane and realize that both films feature fathers who rebuff their children. Frank argues that it always works out in the movies. Jack maintains that they turned out okay, too. Frank grunts a lukewarm agreement, and Lutz takes a bite of his hoagie in between snores.
The morning, Kenneth visits Tracy's dressing room to record the date of his birthday. Tracy reveals that he has no birthday, since he spent his whole life in foster homes. Tracy doesn't seem too bothered about this gaping hole in his life. Kenneth goes all Jiminy Cricket on his ass, and starts expounding on the magic of birthdays. He says he's sorry Tracy never had that... and the wheels in his head start spinning faster than the wheels on the short bus. As he walks out, Dot Com daintily files his nails and snipes, "My birthday's September 21st... not that anyone asked."
Down the hall, Jack pays a visit to his newest project, a.k.a. Frank. He has clasped onto their common fatherlessness as a jumping-off point. Frank would have preferred their mutual recurring dreams about being overpowered by a female bodybuilder, but Jack has made up his mind. Jack tells Frank he pulled some strings to get Frank a continuance of his law course studies at Columbia. He tells Frank to go out there and make his mother proud -- and also stick it to any potential unknown half-brothers and -sisters he might have. Frank is dumbfounded, claiming he has another life now. But Jack has made an offer that Frank cannot refuse.
Outside, Jack runs into Jamie Lynn and cringes, "Oh God, please don't be a daughter I didn't know about." Lemon joins them in the hallway and happily beckons preggers teen. Jack breathes a massive sigh of relief and scampers off. Lemon re-introduces her to Pete as TGS's new "Youth Consultant" and starts buttering her up for the fetus exchange. Pete skulks away from the shit show in progress, making "No, Lemon, no!" faces as he goes. Jamie Lynn's first piece of youth consulting is to get rid of that schlub Lutz.
Elsewhere, Jenna gives Kenneth a picture of the dress she's planning to wear to her birthday and requests that he make sure no one else wears it. Kenneth agrees and brings up Tracy's lack of a birthday. Jenna faux-sympathizes... right up until the point that Kenneth proposes she share her big birthday party with Tracy. Her face drops, but she musters up enough improv skill to shake her fists and squeakily cough out, "That's so great!"
In Lemon's office, Jamie Lynn keeps ranting about her deadbeat baby daddy, Tim, while Liz types random slang into her computer in order to translate her teen bop talk. Jamie Lynn breaks it down that she has two choices: Stay with Tim and keep the baby or... wait for it... focus on her music and give up the baby. She offers to play Lemon a song, and Lemon smarmily feigns enthusiasm. Jamie Lynn plays something involving cobwebs of rainbows. I have a feeling Avril Lavigne will be snatching this shit up, stat. Lemon continues not-so-subtly nudging JL toward giving up the baby in service of a doomed music career. Man, she's even better at this than Jenna. Less squeaking, mainly.
Later, Pete reads Lemon the riot act for manipulating Jamie Lynn into forfeiting her child to Lemon's baby-hungry machinations. Pete relates to Tim because he, too, was a young, stupid knocker-upper who ran away (five times) before forming some primordial bond with his Hornberger Five. He pleads with Lemon to give Jamie Lynn and Tim another shot.
Lemon walks into her office and finds Jamie Lynn eating baby food so her fetus will enjoy its lunch. Lemon informs JL that the baby can't actually taste food, just leech nutrients. JL vows to enact her message board vengeance on "Juno32" later. Jamie Lynn marvels at Lemon's babylessness. She admits that motherhood isn't where her life should be, but perhaps Lemon might want kids. Lemon controls herself not to pounce and start excising the child right now, and now all the cards are out on the table. Naturally, Jamie Lynn takes this as her cue not to offer Lemon her baby, but to instigate a sing-along. Lemon gamely joins along in that song for the ages "Cobweb of Rainbows."
Over in the studio, Kenneth lures Tracy to a surprise co-party. Jenna waits in the wings, reveling that Tracy's entrance has made her the headliner. She waits for the precise moment to take the stage. Except everything else possible in the world happens to prevent her from doing so, including, but not limited to, Frank announcing that he is leaving TGS for Columbia Law School and Cerie entering in Jenna's dress and excitedly telling everyone that she's scored tickets for everyone on the opening day of the new Yankee stadium. Not even Jenna's fake back brace can quell the din of cheering. Jenna does a little angry-two-year-old hop and stomps off the set, totally unnoticed.
Frank makes his way into Jack's office to announce his transition to a lawyer's life. They practice being lawyerly and hug it out.
Meanwhile, Tracy glumly assembles a Gouda Friend. Kenneth asks what's the matter. Tracy admits that, now he knows the warm happy feeling of having a birthday, it only makes the other 364 days of the year that much more empty. ("Who knows when February 24th will come around again?") And his unfulfilled birthday wish is malarkey! He and Daniel D. Gouda Man sulk off.
Jack and Frank's family enjoy their celebration dinner. Tuba-toting Broadway icon Patti LuPone is playing Frank's mom. Awesome. I wonder how many times she made the director stop because someone was taking cell phone pictures. Mama beamingly sends Frank to open more wine. The second Frank gets out of earshot, she drops the smile and stands up to give Jack a double-cheek bitch slap. So... not so happy about Columbia? Would've preferred Harvard, maybe? Jack defends himself, saying he sees some of himself in Frank since they both have abandonment issues with their fathers.
Mama asks Jack what he knows about Frank's father. She explains that all the Rossitano men were, in fact, lawyers... for the mob. And Frank's father didn't abandon Frank, he went into hiding, just like all the other Rossitanos who didn't get whacked. "You want me to paint you a picture?" she asks. "'Cause I did!" At this, she points to a portrait of a man gunned down in court, which shares certain aesthetic qualities with something painted by Johnny Graziosi in Mickey Blue Eyes. Art therapy, apparently. Jack apologizes. No matter, says Mama, Jack is going to clean the mess up one way or another.
The morning, Cerie tells Lemon that there's a Tim down in reception. Lemon launches into a Mach-5 level panic that Tim has come to steal her baby. Yeah, the one she's stealing from a GED candidate's womb. Commercials.
Lemon runs out the hallway to intercept Tim. Instead, she finds Jenna. In a wheelchair. "Don't even ask about the wheelchair," Jenna swoons dramatically. "Okay!" shouts Liz as she continues running to the elevator bank. "Oh, so my old vocal coach died!" yelps Jenna. And payoff. Three points, Hornberger. Liz runs into Jack before she can hop into an elevator. She explains that her intense and intimate two-day investment in Jamie Lynn's will have been all for naught if Tim gets his way. Vis-à-vis Harry and the Hendersons moralizing, Jack tries to talk Lemon out of shooing away Tim. As you might have guessed, it doesn't pan out.
Back in the corridor, Kenneth finds wheelchair-bound Jenna and inquires about her health. She pretends she's putting on a brave face in the wake of many horrible tests and grizzled doctors. Kenneth glosses right over that and starts up about finding out Tracy's birthday wish so they can make it come true and "his birthday can go on and onnnn." This = Jenna's nightmare. She loses her shit, leaping out of the wheelchair and delivering a dramatic monologue about how nobody cares for her. But even Jenna's dramatic exit is foiled when Tracy enters. His eyes light up: "My birthday wish came true!" He wished for her health. Everyone is appeased -- Jenna, with her attention mongering; Tracy, with his need to believe in birthday wishes. Kenneth good-naturedly proposes they make Jenna's birthday wish come true now, to which Jenna responds, "Oh, that's so sweet! But who would I celebrate with if you all were in a car accident?" A chorus of guffaws fills 30 Rock.
Elsewhere, Lemon finds Tim and lies that Jamie Lynn wants him out of her life. He takes it without a fight. But then that damned John Lithgow appears to eff everything up. Damn you, George Henderson! Lemon realizes that error of her selfish ways and admits that Jamie Lynn actually wants Tim in her life more than anything. She escorts him upstairs, where he ogles her baby boobs and sings sweetly with Jamie Lynn about cobwebs and rainbows... until Lemon cuts them off. She doesn't have to listen to that shit anymore.
Meanwhile, Frank doesn't understand why Jack is now discouraging from him to attend Columbia Law. In a veritable shot-by-shot of Harry and the Hendersons, Jack sends his woodland ape back where it belongs.
Later that night, Jack and Lemon parse the day. They "cheers" to Lemon getting everything she wants... some day. The glow-y moment is interrupted when a harried, disheveled John Lithgow staggers to Jack's door asking for help getting out of maze-like 30 Rock. Jack unflinchingly shuts the door in his face. You would, too. Need I remind you of Third Rock from the Sun? Yeah, I thought so.
And now for your little powdered sugar-covered, comedic sugar high...
Sounds Like My Kind of Friday
Pete: Donuts and then bed. What are you depressed about... or celebrating?
Where Do I Get My Tickets?
Jack: It's Friday night, and I need something to do.
Lemon: Don't you have some gallery opening or a fundraiser to give bow ties to inner city youths?
The Mitigation Diet
Lemon: I want mine to stay, please.
Donut Girl: You want a dozen donuts to stay?
Lemon: And skim milk.
Absentee Father Knows Best
Jack: I grew up without a father, too, Frank. Good old Billy Donaghy left when I was two. He'd show up every now and then to impregnate my mom and punch out umpires at my little league.
How 'bout That Etymology?
Frank: My whole life, I said I was gonna be something -- restore the glory of the Rossitano name. It's Sicilian dialect. It means "well poisoner."
Jack: In Gaelic, Donaghy means "dun basket."
Lorenzo Lamas Will Lend You His Shoulder
Lemon: Man, there are just so many different devices for guys to not call you on now. When I was your age, you could just be like, "Oh, he probably tried to call but my line was busy," and then just watch Falcon Crest and cry yourself to sleep.
I'm Sure Freud Would Have a Few Thoughts on This Topic
Jack: Maybe it's because we didn't have fathers. Maybe that's why we're drawn to movies where the father pushes away the child-slash-legendary North American forest ape.
Kenneth Learns the Ins and Outs of Prison Bitches
Kenneth: But even prisoners have birthdays! I saw one on Oz. It was... interesting.
The Best Kind of Presents!
Tracy: I don't need a birthday, 'cause I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinkin', they're often a surprise.
Ripped from the Pages of an Academic Journal
Jack: This morning it hit me in the shower why the Hendersons named their guest "Harry." That film has layers.
Then How Do You Explain ?
Lemon [spotting pregnant girl]: Becca!
Pete: What's she doing here?
Lemon: She is the show's new "Youth Consultant."
[wary look from Pete]
Lemon: It's a thing! The CW has one.
Take the Lead... Starring Jenna Maroney
Jenna: My heart goes out to all the inner city kids -- especially those too fat to dance their way out!
Lemon Shops at Talbots
Becca: I can't believe you don't have kids.
Lemon: What's that?
Becca: Well you'd make such a great mom. You're smart, successful, grounded...
Lemon: Oh, go on!
Becca: ...you already dress like a mom.
Lemon: Annnnd, stop.
At Least Homegirl Has Perspective
Jenna [seeing Tracy enter the birthday party]: What a schmo, entering first. Now I'm the headliner, and he's just the warm-up act. I'm Mr. Don Rickles, and he's just me.
See? Racial Wounds Can Be Healed!
Tracy: But I don't have a birthday!
Kenneth: You do now, 'cause we all love you and wanted you to feel this joy.
Tracy: I do feel it. You're all so amazing. And to think I was just calling y'all a bunch of racists!
Does It Come with a Bullet Proof Vest These Days?
Frank: Jack, I decided to take you up on your offer.
Jack: Good man -- and you went to my tailor. That's the same cut Reagan wore on the day he got shot.
Legalese for Dummies
Jack: And let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.
Frank: "My client has no memory of that!"
Jack: I also would have also accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."
Frank: One Day as Famous as Dr. Z!
Mama Rossitano: I am so proud of you -- a lawyer! Some day you'll have an ad on the subway -- in both English and Spanish!
Jack's Only Shot at a Danny Tanner Moment
Jack: Lemon, there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or Sasquatch, and, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength, and by God, he did it! Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do... for the woodland ape. You think about that.
Lemon: What? Is that Harry and the Hendersons?
Jack: You've seen it?
Lemon: This is my life, Jack!
Tracy's Possible Birthday Wishes
Kenneth: We've narrowed it down to own a Robocop, hunt the elephant that paints, or breakfast in bed.
Just moments later...
Tracy [seeing Jenna sans wheelchair and back brace]: My birthday wish came true! I wished for you to get better. I was going to wish for breakfast in bed with Robocop while an elephant paints us.
Kenneth [exchanges knowing look with Dot Com]: We were close!
Tracy: But then I saw you with the back brace on right before I blew out my candles. It's a birthday miracle!
Pep Talk-ish
Lemon: Do you know how many people want what just got dropped into your lap? "Oh, now's not a good time. I wanna go to Burning Man!" Shut up, Tim! Do you love Becca?
Tim: More than anything. She's my soul mate, and...
Lemon: You're not listening. Nut up, right now. Get a job and help raise that kid. Love it because it has your gooney face and get married and have disposable cameras at the wedding, because it's fun and people like it!
Big Babies, the Lot of 'emJack: I guess, in a way, we both lost children today.
Lemon: Yeah, but mine was real, Jack. Yours was Frank.
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