Life Makes You Sweet Food

By Michael Neal

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New year. I don't find there's that big a difference between one year and another, but I have been using the word "fizzle" a lot all of a sudden. It's caused some major headaches where I work, over at the Alka Seltzer factory, but so what? My new year's resolution is "do you." Not like the song mind you; I put a question mark at the end of it, kind of like "Got Milk?" but more slutty. When did that ad campaign become part of the porn industry by the way? Eh, topic for another day.

You guys, I'm sorry. I'm, like, so off topic. Like, we gathered here for some 30 Rock, right? Okay, cool. It's just that I was slightly let down by tonight's episode. It had laughs, don't get me wrong, but 30 Rock always has laughs. They are to laughs what the show Reba is to shadows of regret. There were chuckles tonight but not any showstoppers, and it was all the more disappointing given the episode came after the long Christmas break. I won't even go with the easiest, and most popular criticism of the show. That it has too many special guest stars. It does, but as I've said here in a recap, I can't fault the effort to entertain. Tonight just had fewer laughs. It happens. So what did happen?

Jack and Lemon had the two main stories. Jack hires nurse Elisa (Salma Hayek) to take care of his bed-ridden mother. If you'll recall, Jack broke both her hips last episode. Now with Elisa in the fold, Jack is free to work and manage personnel, like Tracy and his exorbitant spending habits. Jack asks Tracy to exercise financial discipline, which doesn't work, but in the process he finds out that Tracy and his wife Angie don't have a pre-nup.

Jack and Jenna also get involved when she finds out that Sheinhardt Universal is set to produce a Janis Joplin biopic. Jenna convinces him to cast her in the role of Joplin, even though Universal hasn't even gotten the rights from the Joplin estate. Can we, for a moment, pause to consider what the Janis Joplin estate would look like? I have two guesses: attic apartment in the Castro, in San Francisco, rented by a woman who owns enough cats to die from their feces, or, a large farm in rural Mississippi with zero livestock and one meth lab. Jack puts Tracy and Angie in a room together, first mistake. He tries to get her to sign a post-nup agreement. Really, there was just one mistake, and that was putting these two in a room together. At the last possible second, Tracy stops his wife from signing and declares his newfound love for her. Then they do it, hard, and on Jack's desk. At the same time, Jenna's ambitious Joplin makeover gets sunk because Access Hollywood reports that Julia Roberts and Martin Scorsese will also be making a Janis Joplin biopic. Never mind how awful that movie would be. I pause the television and add the movie Infamous to my Netflix queue. Jack returns home frustrated about the irrationality of love. He tells Elisa he doesn't require that amount of emotional dependability from a mate. Then he leaves to eat and have sex with a Fox News anchor. At the restaurant, standing before the bathroom urinal, Jack finds a lump on his balls. Keep in mind they don't show it, so don't get mad at your TiVo ladies. Lumps on balls give men the yips by the way, and that's putting it mildly. What do you think causes a golf slump? Jack is so worried he tells Elisa. She puts her hand down his pants to check. Keep in mind she's a nurse. She grabs his… (laughing sorry) … she grabs his, uh… (laughing) okay… she grabs his balls (BALLS!) and tells him to see a doctor, but he refuses. Jack will handle this alone. He eventually does see the doctor for a biopsy and, as he waits on the test results, he spends some off time with Elisa at a family picnic in Brooklyn. That scene goes like this:

…

I have no idea what happens in that scene. I am just staring at Salma Hayek's breasts the whole way through. She is the cat's 'high-register orgasmic' meow. Jack gets a call from his doctor about his test results but refuses to answer. He can't handle the news. Tracy grabs his phone and finds out for him. "It's positive." Jack breaks down. "No. I mean positive like it's good. The test results were negative." Then Tracy laughs at the confusion. Did I mention he's wearing a knight's uniform and has that Battlefield Earth hair? Later, Jenna performs an opening number for The Girlie Show but, because Sheinhardt Universal failed to secure rights from the Joplin estate, she is introduced to the stage as Janis Jopler and has to sing "Piece of My Heart" using lyrics Jack wrote backstage. She sings "Take another little chunk of my lung, now baby!" and "Life makes you sweet food." Then, in a following scene, Jack attempts to do just that, to Elisa, by grabbing her and planting an animal man kiss. Jack is always lucky (enough) in love. Liz? Not so much.

Lemon sees a baby in the very first scene, reminding us "oh yeah, she wants to adopt a baby." The infant gives her a contact high and soon Lemon's outside waving hello to complete strangers -- probably tourist strangers at that. She pats a boy on the head in front of her who is waiting for the walk sign. The boy turns around and scares the shit out of me. I thought I was watching The Unborn for a second. It's a midget! Just kidding, but yeah it's a midget. At this point I am really doing Peter Dinklage a huge disservice, and I know it. I went for a cheap, and probably ineffective, laugh. Dinklage is a fine actor and if you haven't seen The Station Agent do so soon. Lemon quickly hides that she's mistaken a midget for a small child by agreeing to have coffee with him. Turns out that small man is on the ball. Funny image. Stuart is United Nations High Commissioner on water temperature and food taint. They probably wrote that joke months ago but we hear it on a week when the word taint has been used more than on Rush Week at a state college. Hats off Blago. Lemon agrees to see Stuart again but on the date she hugs him away from a stove fire. "Are you trying to pick me up to keep me from catching fire?" he asks. "Kiss me," says Lemon, but Stuart doesn't bite. He calls it off and walks home. "Be careful crossing the road!" Lemon can't help herself from telling him. The mom force is strong in this one. The name Stuart has to be a quiet nod to Stuart Little by the way. I just thought of that. So Lemon expresses guilt and frustration to Jack about messing it up with the little guy. She calls Stuart at his office and asks that, if he's still willing to give it a try, meet her at the Brooklyn Bridge on Saturday at 2pm, like in the Sex in the City movie. Steve and Miranda did the same thing! Stuart has no idea what she's talking about but he agrees. The time comes and Lemon walks up to a small man standing with his back to her on the bridge. "Waiting for someone?" A shocked mother turns around and pulls her son away. It's a child. They leave and in their stead is a very frustrated Stuart holding a bouquet of roses. "Shut it down!" he announces to no one in particular, a lot like Liz actually. He walks away, in the direction of Brooklyn. Lemon goes the other way. That's so Carrie. She should be wearing a tutu.

Want more? The full recap starts right below!

30 Rock done won them some prizes! Suck it "Dianefan". As far as I'm concerned, the Fey haters can get a big, fat Aronofsky.

Jenna stops Lemon in the hallway at 30 Rock. "Did you hear?" she asks Liz. "Oh yeah, your brother. Is he going to be okay?" Jenna blows if off. "Not that," she says. Sheinhardt Universal is producing a new biopic about Janis Joplin. Jenna has every intention of convincing Jack to give her the part. While Jenna tells her the news, Lemon sees a baby in a stroller coming down the hallway. Jenna doesn't notice. "I'm going to storm into his (Jack's) office, in character," she tells Lemon. "Somebody's sleepy." "I am sleepy, but I'm also so excited," retorts Jenna, still not in on the miscommunication. Lemon steps past her to get a closer look at the baby. She's not exactly baby crazy but the adoption process has gone on longer than anticipated and, if she steals an occasional baby shoe from a baby once in awhile, can you blame her? She puts the shoe in her handbag, already full of mismatched baby shoes. It's kind of terrifying. At Jack's place, he shows around the new nurse assigned to take care of his mother. If you'll recall, Jack broke both her hips last episode. Jack explains to nurse Elisa that taking care of his mother can be a mixed bag. She's either in a foul mood or asleep. Moody, I guess we can call her. Elisa sympathizes with his predicament by recounting her own Puerto Rican mother's penchant for wearing no clothes around the house. Jack's mother yells from the other room. "Jack! Someone's got to dry me off." Elisa covers for him immediately, and tells Mrs. Donaghy that Jack just left the house. Jack quickly has stars in his eyes.

Tracy, Grizz, and DotCom all sit in Jack's office. Jack tells Tracy that his spending has gotten out of control. "Give me an example," demands Tracy, while wearing a shirt that is literally made from money. It's a fairly fuck-tastic design. I can't tell if the bills are twenties or one hundreds, but they've been layered onto an already existing shirt, with a collar that emerges from the amass of dolla dolla bills (y'all). Tracy tells Jack the real reason he spends so much money. It's because of his wife Angie. He's afraid Angie might divorce him if he ever had enough money for her to live off of half. It's why he spends money on worthless things "like gold shoes and Grizz and DotCom." Ouch! My heart leaps out to Grizz and DotCom for a moment. Jack is confused. He asks Tracy about the terms of his pre-nup agreement. Tracy has none. So Jack recommends bringing Angie in and hammering out a "post-nup" agreement to give them some financial peace of mind. Tracy is visibly skeptical but he agrees, and then he laboriously walks out of Jack's office in his gold shoes. Grizz and DotCom offer to help. "Don't help me! I'm too proud." Lemon is still on a high because of the baby encounter and waves hello to complete strangers as she walks outside the offices of 30 Rock. She pats a boy on the head in front of her who is waiting for the walk sign. The boy turns around and scares the shit out of me. I thought I was watching The Unborn for a second. It's a midget! Just kidding, but yeah it's a midget. At this point I am really doing Peter Dinklage a huge disservice, and I know it. I went for a cheap, and probably ineffective, laugh. Dinklage is a fine actor and if you haven't seen The Station Agent do so soon. Lemon quickly hides that she's mistaken a midget for a small child by agreeing to have coffee with him. Inside the building, Jenna charges into Jack's office dressed as Janis Joplin. She's not only dressed like Janis Joplin, she is Janis Joplin. That trips her up at the beginning when she says "She should be my understudy. I mean, she should audition for me... but I'm me now, actually." Jack cuts her off. He loves the idea. "Synergy," he says. Back over to Lemon, she and the midget are wrapping up their coffee date. This guy has it on the ball. He works for the United Nations, and it gives him the power to hail livery cabs, sight unseen. The two make a second date, but afterwards Lemon expresses to Jenna her serious misgivings. As much as she likes the midget's company it's almost certain that she will find a way to screw it up. "What if I do something stupid like order a tall coffee or talk about my Nintendo Wii."

Lemon is still on a high because of the baby encounter and waves hello to complete strangers as she walks outside the offices of 30 Rock. She pats a boy on the head in front of her who is waiting for the walk sign. The boy turns around and scares the shit out of me. I thought I was watching The Unborn for a second. It's a midget! Just kidding, but yeah it's a midget. At this point I am really doing Peter Dinklage a huge disservice, and I know it. I went for a cheap, and probably ineffective, laugh. Dinklage is a fine actor and if you haven't seen The Station Agent do so soon. Lemon quickly hides that she's mistaken a midget for a small child by agreeing to have coffee with him. Inside the building, Jenna charges into Jack's office dressed as Janis Joplin. She's not only dressed like Janis Joplin, she is Janis Joplin. That trips her up at the beginning when she says "She should be my understudy. I mean, she should audition for me... but I'm me now, actually." Jack cuts her off. He loves the idea. "Synergy," he says. Back over to Lemon, she and the midget are wrapping up their coffee date. This guy has it on the ball. He works for the United Nations, and it gives him the power to hail livery cabs, sight unseen. The two make a second date, but afterwards Lemon expresses to Jenna her serious misgivings. As much as she likes the midget's company it's almost certain that she will find a way to screw it up. "What if I do something stupid like order a tall coffee or talk about my Nintendo Wii."

Jack sits down with Tracy and his wife to finalize the terms of their post-nup. If Tracy leaves her in a divorce, Angie is entitled to $80,000 dollars. By the way, Tracy is wearing a top hat made out of money. She agrees to sign the contract, because, the way she sees it, she's going to be with Tracy until the very end. "I'm going to watch you die Tracy Jordan." The sentiment moves Tracy on a below the gut level (crotch). He stops his wife from signing the contract. They both stand up. "This is happening Jack." The "this" is the two of them -- Tracy and Angie -- doing it on Jack's desk. Jack, Grizz, and DotCom all flee the room.

Jack tells Lemon he wants Jenna to sing a Janis Joplin song at the top of the episode of The Girlie Show. They walk and talk until arriving upon Kenneth's desk. Kenneth is talking to Stuart the midget. "So Stuart, what's it like living under a bridge?" "Kenneth!" scolds Liz. "Hey Liz. I was just telling him about my new apartment in Williamsburg. Under the bridge," says Stuart. Then he and Jack have a cock off. Jack hazes Stuart for working at a place he thought had been turned into a Barnes & Noble. Stuart asks if he, and the other guys in corporate America, have learned how to ask "You want fries with that?" in Chinese? It earns their mutual respect. Stuart is United Nations High Commissioner on water temperature and food taint. They probably wrote that joke months ago but we hear it on a week when the word taint has been used more than on Rush Week at a state college. Then Tracy and Angie stroll in, post-coital, praising Jack for bringing them closer together. Angie blows Tracy a kiss, and then Tracy decides to get closer, again -- even closer -- to his wife, in the hallway, in front of people, especially Kenneth. They start sexing on Kenneth's desk and everyone in the hallway flees. Kenneth is afraid to move. He turns his back and clutches a phone. On the opposite end, Frank looks on from a distance, wearing a hat that reads "Night Chicks." Jenna is about to give a condescending speech to the show's writers when she is interrupted by an Access Hollywood report about the Janis Joplin movie. According to the report, Julia Roberts and Martin Scorsese will also be making a Janis Joplin biopic. Never mind how awful that movie would be, Jenna is not at all happy. I pause the television and add the movie Infamous to my Netflix queue.

Jack arrives home, greeted by Elisa. She tells him he has a package. It's a pair of gold shoes. They're a thank you gift from Tracy. He explains to Elisa that the gift is because he helped Tracy arrange a pre-nup agreement, but that it backfired when Tracy and his wife fell back in love. He sounds none too pleased by the turn of events and Elisa calls him on it. "What is ridiculous about love?" she asks. Jack tells her he doesn't require that amount of emotional dependability from a mate. Then he leaves to eat and have sex with a Fox News anchor -- not necessarily in that order. Lemon is also on a date. She and Stuart stop at an Indian doughnut stand for food. I have never seen an Indian doughnut stand, by the way. Don't go to New York expecting to see one. As the cook prepares a doughnut, apparently, cooked over a fire, Lemon hugs Stuart away from a stove fire. "Are you trying to pick me up to keep me from catching fire?" he asks. "Kiss me," says Lemon, but Stuart doesn't bite. She admits to Stuart that when they met she thought he was a little boy, and then she indirectly calls him a weirdo. He calls it off and walks home. "Be careful crossing the road!" Lemon can't help herself from telling him. The mom force is strong in this one. The name Stuart has to be a quiet nod to Stuart Little by the way. I just thought of that. Back to Jack's date, he and the Fox News anchorwoman sit at a fancy restaurant. He excuses himself to go use the bathroom. As he zips up in front of the urinal, Jack pauses curiously, as if he just heard a woman in distress and was, in fact, the Man of Steel. He walks over to the sink, still with pained curiosity on his face. The bathroom attendent offers him a towel. "I have something on my ball." You don't hear that everyday, unless you're me and like to eavesdrop doctor's offices.

Finding a lump on your balls -- it's not that it's embarrassing. That's the wrong word for it; it sucks. Keep in mind they don't show Jack's balls. So don't get mad at your TiVo ladies. Lumps on balls give men the yips by the way, and that's putting it mildly. What do you think causes a golf slump? Jack is nervous and sleepless the morning when Elisa walks in. She convinces him to confide in her about his medical condition. In response, she puts her hand down his pants to check the lump. Keep in mind she's a nurse. She grabs his... (laughing sorry) ... she grabs his, uh... (laughing) okay... she grabs his balls. (BALLS!) Her hand down his pants, they make small talk. "Plans for the weekend?" asks Jack. Elisa is going to her niece's debutante "ball" in Prospect Park. She tells him to go see a doctor. "Thanks for telling me what I already know. You should work for the Huffington Post." Who wrote that line? Whomever you are, take a bow. Elisa suggests that Jack talk to his friends and family but he shrugs it off with an "I'm fine." "Don't try to be a senor macho solo," cautions Elisa, but Jack will handle this alone.

At 30 Rock, Jenna wants to know where the Janis Joplin movie is in production. She wants it out there before the Julia Roberts movie. Jack is still working on obtaining song and image rights from the Joplin estate. Can we, for a moment, pause to consider what the Janis Joplin estate would look like? I have two guesses: attic apartment in the Castro, in San Francisco, rented by a woman who owns enough cats to die from their feces, or, a large farm in rural Mississippi with zero livestock and one meth lab. Meanwhile, Lemon calls Stuart at work. He's really busy, but Lemon wants to explain her erratic behavior. She's been baby crazy of late, but asks Stuart to give her another chance. "Maybe this can be something." His answer: "Liz, at this point in my life maybe isn't good enough." Lemon asks him to meet her at the Brooklyn Bridge on Saturday at 2 PM, like in the Sex and the City movie, to decide if they should give it another go. That sounds like a practical solution. Who needs text messages, or emails, or phone calls, or regular mail, or faxes, or subway graffiti, or skywriting anyway? Steve and Miranda did the same thing! Stuart has no idea what she's talking about but he agrees.

Jack shows up at Prospect Park for Elisa's niece's debutante ball. The whole family is doing the Macarena when she spots him and walks over. Let me just stop and say that Salma Hayek is what both God, and Satan, would come up with for the perfect woman. She's wearing a red dress. She's got it. You think they showed Salma Hayek's boobs so much on 30 Rock to distract from the pseudo-racism of playing "Macarena" in the background? Thinking... Yes. Jack thanks Elisa for all her help. I suspect it's more about the hand down his pants. He is awaiting the results from a biopsy. Elisa asks him to stay at the party. Jack accepts, and is immediately handed a baby and a plate of food.

When he returns to 30 Rock, Jack is confronted by Liz's problem. She doesn't know what to do about Stuart. "Here's what we don't do," instructs Jack. "Be alone. We were never meant to be alone." Jackie boy has changed his tune. I guess that's what nut cancer and Salma Hayek's cleavage will do. He tells Lemon about his testicle problem, but that he's not scared. He doesn't have to be alone. "I'm in love with my mother's nurse." Jack's cell phone rings. It's his doctor with his test results. Jack can't bring himself to answer the phone. Lemon refuses to, but Tracy answers. "The test was positive." Jack breaks down. "No. I mean positive like it's good. The test results were negative." Then Tracy laughs at the confusion. Did I mention he's wearing a knight's uniform and has that Battlefield Earth hair?

Kenneth raps the song "Top That" from the movie Teen Witch in front of a live studio audience. They clap. I roar. Kenneth apologizes to the audience. It seems the regular warm up comic OD'd at a gay man's apartment, so that's a whoops. How would Ellen handle such a thing? Dance, I guess. Off camera, Lemon tells Jack she has decided to go to the bridge tomorrow to meet Stuart. For his part, Jack expresses some second thoughts about his love for Elisa, but Lemon tells him "It's not about where things start. It's about where things go. Tracy told me that. He's kind of on a roll." Jenna gets announced to the stage as Janis Jopler. "Until we get the life rights we have to protect ourselves," is Jack's remark. Jenna performs "Piece of My Heart" using lyrics that Jack wrote, minutes before, backstage. She sings lyrics such as "Take another little chunk of my lung, now baby!" and "Life makes you sweet food."

The song plays on into the day. Lemon walks up to a small man standing with his back to her on the Brooklyn Bridge. "Waiting for someone?" A shocked mother turns around and pulls her son away. It's a child. They leave and in their stead is a very frustrated Stuart holding a bouquet of roses. "Shut it down!" he announces to no one in particular, a lot like Liz actually. He walks away, in the direction of Brooklyn. Lemon goes the other way. That's so Carrie. She should be wearing a tutu. Jack walks into his house and sees Elisa standing there. He grabs her and plants an animal man kiss on her. End

Jokes? A few.

Such is Nature
Jenna: "OMG Liz. Look at you and me, and our biological clocks. You're going baby crazy and I keep getting turned on by car accidents."

Silent Comedy Award
Tracy's Benny Hill network special.

That's Actually Minus Zero Assests
Tracy: "When Angie and I got married my only assets were a toaster oven and two tickets to a Young MC concert."

We Give them a Reason to Hate Us and Missiles?
Jack: "By putting a TV actor into the movie world we can promote both. It's like how we're including a Heroes DVD with every missile guidance system we sell."

Joplin Might Have Still Been Freaked Out

Jenna: (as Janis Joplin) "I'm so glad I time traveled here from 1969. Whoa. What is that iron bird?"
Jack: "They had airplanes in the '60s, Jenna."

Spoil the Ending
Jenna: (Holding book up) "Take a lesson from Janis (Joplin) and show some self-control."
Lemon: "How far into that biography are you?"
Jenna: "Not very. Why? What happens?"

Tracy's Post-Nup Stipulation
Jack: "Or any female of equivalent thickness."

Flatliner
Angie: "I'm going to watch you die Tracy Jordan."
Tracy: "She's done it before Jack."

It Doesn't Sound too Bad
Stuart: "Liz here saw me on the street and went for it."
Jack: "Liz did that?"
Lemon: "Yeah. You know me. Spend my lunch hour walking up and down 5th avenue. Looking for a hot meal."
Jack: "Classic Lemon man-eater."
Lemon: "Cat sound."

Necrophilia
Tracy: "When I'm on my death bed, frenching my wife, I'm a think of you."
Jack: "Please don't." Stock Footage
Nancy O'Dell: "Here's Maroney on a windy day."

Duh. Spanglish
Jack: "It's seven o'clock. Why don't I hear my mother yelling "go home" to the Asian contestant on Jeopardy?"
Elisa: "'Cause she's asleep."
Jack: "Really? How did you do that?"
Elisa: "She fought me at first, but I find that authoritative rapid Spanish subdues white people."

That's Actually Pretty Specific
Jack: "Without getting into specifics. My exit involves a McFlurry machine, and a videotape of risqué commercials from overseas."

Zing of the Night
Lemon: "I have a thing about intimacy. I'm the weird one. I'm weirder than you."
Stuart: "How am I weird?"
Lemon: "You're not. That came out wrong."
Stuart: "You came out wrong."

Cow
Jack: "The lady will have the tasting menu but with some substitutions. Instead of the... any of it, she'll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it, and a bowl of salted ice cubes."

Are You Using the Tu Form?
(Elisa speaks rapid fire Spanish)
Jack: "Is that the subjunctive?"
(Elisa thrusts her hand down his pants to check his balls)
Jack: "How did you do that?"
Elisa: "I told you I was a professional. And you forgot to put on your underpants."

Strike That. Line of the Night
Jack: "Thank you for telling me what I already know. You should work for the Huffington Post."

How Was Your Day, Honey?
Lemon: "Did you see the Sex and the City movie?"
Stuart: "Once again Liz, I am an adult man."
Lemon: "Well Miranda and Steve were having issues because Steve cheated..."
Stuart: "Argh. So bored."

Irish vs. Puerto Ricans
Jack: "All of these people are your family? Why are they smiling so much? Who's being ostracized?"

Other Movies: Sisterhood of the Traveling Black Woman's Jeans, Romancing the Onyx, The Black Wrestler (I could go forever)
Lemon: "Hey. I need to ask your advice about Stuart. We decided to do this whole 'meet me at the Brooklyn Bridge if we still want to be together' thing, from the Sex and the City movie."
Tracy: "They do that a lot in movies. An Affair to Remember. Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake to Affair to Remember that I was in. A Blaffair to Rememblack."

Como?
Jack: "Surround yourself with people, and love, and babies with pierced ears."

Full Lyrics to Jack's "Piece of My Heart" Rewrite
Come on and take it/
Break another little chunk of my lung now mister
You know you bought it/
If life makes you sweet food
Chunk of my lung! Chunk of my lung!
Now take it/
Take a big old chunk of my lung now baby
Take it/
Take a big old chunk of my lung
You know you bought it/
If you buy it with things

No-Prize Award Winner
Jenna wins the no-prize in this episode. I believe it's her first. She was great, and with a little amount of screen time. I think she's turning into a bit of a madcap genius. Equal to Tracy in every way.

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