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It's Christmas. Well almost Christmas. It's the Christmas season, let's… say that about it. And don't worry Billow not "the holiday season" as you so correctly and obsessively point out to Mennonites and non-Mennonites alike.
Of course 30 Rock already has one Christmas special under its belt, the memorably titled Ludachristmas. Terribly, there was no use of that word in tonight's episode. The main storylines get setup by two casual events. One is that Lemon enlists her staff to participate in a charity program called "Letters to Santa." It's where the post office collects letters that poor kids have written to Santa and then the more fortunate among us go and buy them the gifts. Now never mind the fact that I think the federal government identifying poor people in such a way sends a bad message to children. Santa does not exist. I know that's mean but it's also fair. Anyway Liz takes care of that a little later. The other casual event takes place in Florida. Jack finally made it to the sunshine state after his unforeseen detour last week. He's there to visit his dear old mother but is already loading into a car to drive to the airport with an open-ended ticket to Brazil. The land of monkey fighting. He tells this to Lemon over the phone and then hangs up and backs out of the driveway. SMACK! He hit his mother.
From there it goes like this. Jack has to fly back to New York with his mother in tow, charged with the responsibility to take care of her now that she's had hip replacement surgery. She thinks it's an "accident" and even tells Lemon as much. If you've forgotten, Jack and his mother have a not so easy relationship. Jack is tormented by her guilt and anxious to be away from her. In a fit of anxiety he announces to the TGS staff they will have to work overtime through the holidays to put on a special TV Christmas special, initiated by Jack in order to avoid his mother and possibly salve the guilt he feels for waiting eight minutes before he called the paramedics to come aid his mother after he hit her with the car. It also doesn't help when Jack pulls the wool blanket his mother is resting comfortably on from underneath her and breaks her other hip.
Jack throws himself into his work only stopping briefly to complain to Hornberger about his mom's Christmas antics during his childhood. Like the strange man named Schwarz who would come over every year and put his hand on her pale thigh under the dinner table. Mrs. Donaghy eventually shows up at 30 Rock to confront her son. She knows he's been avoiding her and she knows why. She points out that when he hit her with the car it stopped her perfectly timed watch and then fact-checking it with Jack's latest cell phone bill it was not hard for her to calculate the whole eight minutes of silence between the time of her near death and Jack's phone call to 911. It would appear that his mother has Jack in a corner but Jack lashes back hard with a tirade directed at his mother, accusing her of ruining all 50 of his Christmases. It won't happen again and then he walks away while barking commands to the set designers.
Later on the set Jack complains to Lemon that there is no Mrs. Clause in the whole production. She needs to be there to hang up stockings, put out food for Santa, sing songs at the piano, and tuck you in at night. Jack believes it's part of the Christmas tradition but Lemon informs him that it was something his mother did for him, probably to make up for his missing father. And that Schwarz guy? His name was Frederick August Otto Schwarz? That was F.A.O. Schwarz. "Your mother put out on Christmas to get you kids presents. She did it for you." Jack suddenly realizes the great lengths his mother went out of her way to make all his Christmases special. Jack tells his mother that he loves her and then breathlessly admires the song Jenna is singing on set. His mind drifts and imagines he and dear old mum sitting at the piano together with her singing "The Christmas Song" quite elegantly. He chimes in at the end and the duet peaces out the show. Merry Christmas all you bastards out there.
The other plot thread has to do with Lemon's anxiousness to make the most out of what is shaping out to be a lonely Christmas for her. She shops obsessively at a department store. She has an overflow of gifts for her two "Letters to Santa" kids Marcus and DeShawnte. She even plans on delivering the gifts personally to the two lucky boys at their address on 245th Street and Lawrence Taylor Boulevard. "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" yell out Tracy and DotCom. Tracy is familiar with that neighborhood and insists that it's not a nice place. He and DotCom are going to go along with her "and remember DotCom you are there to protect me." They go to deliver the presents and with a knock at the door Lemon is greeted by two not so young looking dudes. The two men look like they're inside filming a Beanie Sigel music video. One of them takes her wagon full of presents inside the apartment and the other closes the door on Lemon mid-sentence. "What's the past tense for scram?" asks Tracy. "Is it scrumped? Liz Lemon I think you just got scrumped."
Lemon takes her complaint to the neighborhood's local post office only to be greeted with indifference by the clerk behind the counter. Fed up, Lemon vows to shut down the entire "Letters to Santa" program but Kenneth, as always, is the voice of optimism. We've already established in Ludachristmas just how much he believes in Christmas spirit. He tells Liz off by calling her the c-word. Cranky. He is convinced that Marcus and DeShawnte really did get the presents she delivered. Lemon wants to prove otherwise and so they decide to go back to the apartment to prove once and for all to Kenneth that Christmas is a sham.
MoSesame Street video inside. It's Marcus and DeShawnte. They're real life cute kids and one has cornrows. Lemon asks them if they got her presents. They nod yes. "I did that. I got that stuff for you. I'm the one who made Christmas happen." "What about Santa?" asks one shocked kid. He calls for his father, one of the two men who greeted Liz the last time. "What is wrong with you?" he asks. The letter said Dear Santa, not Dear lonely white lady. They shut the door on her. Again. I smell love interest. Back at 30 Rock Tracy invites Lemon to share Christmas with his family. She warmly agrees. "Good. We'll be over at two. My kids have a peanut allergy but my dogs only eat steak." Want more? The full recap starts right below!Where is Josh? I'm just putting that out there.
Lemon walks into the writer's room holding a box. "I have some great news. We are all getting..." They all take a guess: frozen steaks, iPod nothings, colorful sweaters. "Nope." Answers Lemon. They are all getting ... to participate in the "Letters to Santa" charity program. It's when the post office collects letters that poor kids wrote to Santa and gives them to people who can buy the kids gifts. No one is very willing to cooperate until Kenneth steps into volunteer. Tracy and Lutz roll their eyes; Hornberger's head falls back in frustration. Then Lemon reads a letter from one of the poor kids. "Dear Santa, my name is Chanel Jenkins. I would like some new shoes so I can walk to school. My dream is to be a doctor someday..." Tracy's crying interrupts her. "That kid's never going to be a doctor. I better buy her a jet ski." The rest of the staff follows his lead and take letters from the box. Jack calls Lemon in her office. He's in Florida but not for long. He finally completed that trip to the sunshine state that got detoured last week but this time it was to drop off a present to his mother Colleen. Now it's off to Rio where he can tan in the nude and bet on some monkey wrestling. "Just like Norman Rockwell always drew it." Jackie hangs up the phone and starts his car in the driveway. He backs out just in time to hit his mother, out for a jog. He hears the thud and takes a look back. "Mother!"
Lemon is searching for FUBU related products for her charity kids online when a worried Jack interrupts. He tells her about the whole I-ran-over-ma thing. Lemon is worried but Jack reassures her. "She's fine. She's better than fine. They're giving her a titanium hip like the Terminator. It's only going to make her more powerful. It turns out Jack's more worried about his sanity than his mother's health. Colleen's staying at his house until she feels better and it's already driving him insane. Colleen calls Jack's cell phone. "Yes mother. Well why don't you try taking one of the many blankets off you if you're feeling hot." He puts his finger to his head and does the universal gesture for crazy. "No I wasn't. I was just scratching my head." The phone call ends abruptly when Colleen hangs up on him.
Lemon and Jenna shop for gifts for their Santa kids. Lemon wants to know where the stockings and stocking stuffers are to go along with the video game system and television already in her cart. In fact her cart is already packed to the brim. "I just want to make sure that Tashawnte, age 9, and Marcus, age 5, have a wonderful Christmas." She's even going to wrap all her gifts because that is what you do on Christmas. She also knows precisely what you don't do on Christmas. You don't call your daughter on December 22nd and tell her you don't really feel up to hosting Christmas this year because she's 38 and you thought that she'd have "her own family by now" and that instead you're going to a couples only retreat in Arizona the theme of which is sexy at 70 ... is what you don't do. This is why her new family the Glovers (Tashawnte and Marcus) are going to feel her wrath of goodwill.
Colleen is seated on the couch reading Urban Fervor by Kevin Grisham. The devil is in the insane details. Urban Fervor is the sequel to Jenna's indie movie The Rural Juror, both penned by John Grisham's brother Kevin. She rings her tiny bell not looking up from the book and Jack and Lemon walk in. "Mother, what is so urgent that you can't wait until I came back from the front door?" For a mother who just had hip replacement surgery and then flew from Florida to New York Colleen is not a happy camper. She is happy to see Liz. She wants Liz to know and believe that the car accident was only an accident. She repeats it in several different ways and Jack reminds her that no one is saying otherwise. She also shows Lemon her Cartier watch that broke in the accident, a gift from her son. "It's not Cartier. It's Chopard," reminds Jack. Of course, after all Cartier was the watch that his mother actually wanted. She subtly reminds him of that tiny disgrace. Jack calls Lemon into the other room to tell her he can't keep it up. He can't take anymore of his mother. Lemon tells him it's just holiday stress but that he loves his mother. "Do I? Do I Lemon? I waited eight minutes. After I hit her and called 911 I sat in my car for eight minutes." We flashback to the accident and Jack holds the phone close to his ear as his eyes drift off for a moment. Lemon wants to soothe his guilt. "It was an accident. It was an accident?" The bell rings in the other room. It's mother.
The TGS staff are all watching the clock in the writer's room. According to Lutz if they stay 'til noon they get paid a full week's work. "Tracy, you made $300 million dollars this year," says Lemon. Tracy rubs his fingers together. "And I'm not going anywhere for Christmas." Lemon chuckles as she sets down her presents. It's a nice touch when an actor responds to something funny that someone else on the show has said. It's not just people bouncing lines off one another that way. Kenneth sees her bag of gifts. "Ms. Lemon you really outdid yourself. Those are going to be the happiest poor kids since my brother and I went to Neverland Ranch." Again, Lemon smiles. See. Lemon is going to deliver the presents to Tashawnte and Marcus personally to see their faces light up in the spirit of Christmas. Their address is 245th Street and Lawrence Taylor Boulevard. "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" yell out Tracy and DotCom. They jump up, get into Lemon's face, and tell her that they will be coming along to protect her. Frank counts down the clock to noon. 3, 2, ... "exciting news everyone! We are going to put on a live Christmas Eve special this year." It's Jack, and "this year" really means tomorrow. Of course that means a lot of hours and the sacrifice of being apart from our loved ones, our mothers. Lemon rolls her eyes. Jack leaves and Lemon catches up with him in the hallway and tells him it's unfair. Jack doesn't care. He only has to survive Christmas and then Colleen gets shipped to a nursing home on the coast of Maine, run by the same French company that oversaw Napoleon's exile. "She will be treated humanely but there will be no escape." If I'm not mistaken Napoleon managed to escape at least once from that exile. Merry Christmas.
Lemon, Tracy, and Grizz find the right floor and door number of the Glover family. DotCom sets down all the presents. Lemon asks Tracy to take a picture of the transaction and gives him her camera. She knocks at the door to be greeted by two unfriendly men. They take the presents immediately and then slam the door. "What just happened?" Tracy steps in. "What's the past tense for scam? Is it scrumped? Liz Lemon I think you just got scrumped." Tracy takes her picture. I can't believe he used the flash. That wipes away all the character in a photo, like the way Lemon's face is exuding both shock and awe.
Back on set Hornberger is helping put together the sudden Christmas special. "Donaghy wants a Santa costume and a Mrs. Claus." Why is it every time I hear the word Claus I think of Fred Claus? Thanks Vince Vaughn. Jenna tries to coach her piano player as they go over a Christmas song. A grip tests the snow machine and Jack bounds happy as a fat kid checking a Snickers bar for dirt. Hornberger reminds him how they are going into quadruple overtime because of this but Jack is unmoved. He wants to give kids the perfect Christmas, or at least something better than his Christmases spent as a child. His dad was long gone by then and every year Colleen would bring by a Mr. Schwarz to the house for dinner. She made Jack play the piano as she sang to him. "My parents divorced when I was nine," drops in Hornberger only to be conversation steamrolled by Jack's grim memory. "Every year the dreadful moment would arrive when I would catch Mr. Schwarz caressing my mother's bony thigh." Hornberger asks about overtime. "Approved," says Jack. "It's Christmas."
Lemon and Tracy wait in line at the post office until it's their turn with the clerk. Lemon wants to have a word with whoever screens the letters for the "Letters to Santa" program. "Maybe you can help me ... Trine." "Irene," corrects Irene who also informs her bluntly that the only letter screener was the box the letters were put into. Lemon asks to see their census information. "No." She would like to speak to the letter carrier ... "We close in 5 minutes" ... who services this postal area "Never going to happen." Lemon wants Tracy to help smooth out the confrontation. "Oh really? We're both black so we must know each other." Tracy looks over at Irene. "Hey! Irene!" He does know her.
Lemon wants to know if Jack knows the Postmaster General. The answer is yes but they had a falling out after Jerry Garcia got his own stamp. "If I want to lick a hippie I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls." Lemon notices that he has on the same clothes from yesterday. Jacks tells her that he can't go home. There was an incident last night. Colleen asked Jack to get a "heavy wool blanket" out from underneath her. He tugs at the blanket gently. "C'mon put your back into it," cajoles Colleen. Jack pulls at it like the end of a magic trick and Colleen gets deposited on the floor. One more broken hip later and Jack can't go home, for his and her safety. Plus she can't know about the eight minutes. "She'll have me arrested. She's done it before."
Kenneth asks Lemon how the baring of gifts went. She's contacted the Better Business Bureau about shutting down the Letters to Santa program. "What is wrong with you?" Kenneth wants to know. "You are being a real Scrooge." Lemon explains how it was all scam. There were no kids. There were no hugs. Tracy jumps on the sentence immediately. "Well if all you want is a hug from a Black person maybe you should just host the Price is Right." Did I mention that Tina Fey co-wrote this episode? It's quite noticeable how adroit she is when it comes to writing about race in her comedy. Usually they are the funniest moments on the show. The only other white comic figures that I can think of who do as well with that type of material are Larry David and Louis C.K., and that is one hell of a trifecta. Back to action: Kenneth tells Lemon she's wrong. She hasn't been scammed or even scrumped. "This is a religious holiday. When has religion ever caused any trouble?" Lemon calls him naive to which Kenneth say's she is acting like a real "c-word. That's right, cranky Sue." Lemon wants to prove him wrong. "It's dinner time. Tracy, Kenneth we're going uptown."
Colleen gets wheeled into the hallway and in front of Jack. This woman is tougher than Charles Oakley. That's two hip replacement surgeries and she's already out and about in the world. Jack apologizes quickly for not spending more time with her because of work. "What kind of time, Jackie? Eight minutes maybe? John Francis Donaghy how could you? Waiting eight minutes to call 911. I can't believe it." Jack denies it and tries to walk away but Colleen has proof. Exhibit A is Jack's cell phone bill. He made a call to 911 at 8:16 am but, if you will all refer to Exhibit B, Colleen's Chopard watch that stopped ticking because of the accident is set at 8:08. Exhibit C is a flash card exercise. I remember those from my days being tutored by 10th grade Sally. Sixteen minus eight is eight. That is correct. Now take off your shirt. I had a very sexy childhood. Jack's mom had a very sexy Jack's childhood and he reminds her of all her past sins against him, including inviting strange men over on Christmas eve. "I am 50 years old. You have ruined every Christmas I've ever had and I'm not letting you take down this one too!" He walks away from her.
Lemon, Kenneth, and Tracy return to the Glover household and Lemon knocks on the door. Two little boys answer to her great surprise. They are Tashawnte and Marcus. She asks if they received their Christmas gifts and both of them nod yes. "I did that," says Lemon. "I got that stuff for you. I'm the one who made Christmas happen." Tashawnte yells back "What about Santa?" He calls for his daddy, who abruptly appears. "Daddy she said there is no Santa Clause." "What is wrong with you?" asks Mr. Glover. Lemon apologizes and offers them tickets to a live Christmas special in the tradition of Andy Williams... The door slams in her face. Okay, well then Kenneth was right. They go back to work. And at work Jack is putting the finishing touches on the show. "I'm trying to do a Christmas special that makes It's A Wonderful Life look like Pulp Fiction." He yells at the set because he doesn't see a Mrs. Claus character and Lemon tells him she cut it, not thinking he was serious. "You can't cut Mrs. Claus," he says. She needs to be there to hang up stockings, put out food for Santa, sing songs at the piano, and tuck you in at night. Jack believes it's part of the Christmas tradition, but Lemon sets him straight that it's not -- that it was something his mother did for him as a child, probably to make up for his missing father. Oh, and that Schwarz guy? His name was Frederick August Otto Schwarz? That was F.A.O. Schwarz. "Your mother put out on Christmas to get you kids presents. She did it for you." Jack realizes suddenly all that his mother did for him at Christmas and he finds her and tells her that he loves her. Together they breathlessly admire the song Jenna is singing on set. His mind drifts and imagines he and dear old mum sitting at the piano together signing "The Christmas Song" quite elegantly. It's quite a lovely little Christmas moment and doubly effective considering how unserious the show normally is. He chimes in at the end and the duet peaces out the show. Merry Christmas, all you bastards and to all a good night.
A Ladies Preference.
Lemon: "Are you drunk?"
Jenna: "On The Spirit of Christmas. It's this cheap high-proof brandy I bought."
Leasing Guilt Away.
Lemon: "Dear Santa, my name is Chanel Jenkins. I would like some new shoes so I can walk to school. My dream is to be a doctor someday..."
Tracy: [crying] "That kid's never going to be a doctor. I better buy her a jet ski."
Long Answer Short.
Lemon: "Hey Toofer, can I buy a kid FUBU? Is that a swear word?"
Toofer: "Okay, while FUBU is not itself profane, I do think that..."
Lemon: "Thank you!"
Dr. Zaius?
Jack: "Some quack doctor recommended she be around family."
You're Sure About That?
Jack: "If you need something just call down to the doorman. Yes he does speak English, mother. Jamaican people speak English."
Solid News for the Sheinhardt Co.
Jack: "It's just me and Colleen all alone. Lemon, one of her suitcases was just wigs."
Your Joan Rivers Probably Sounds Like Keanu.
Lemon: "Yeah sure, I'll entertain her. You know I was just thinking in the shower this morning, what if Saint Nick was Nic Cage? Cause it might go ... a little something ... like this."
Jack: [leaving] "Toofer! Toofer my man. How's tricks?"
Lemon: [as Nic Cage] "Ho ho ho! No that sounds more like Joan Rivers."
Incog-noto.
Jenna: [shopping with Liz] "Hey, are you almost done? We need to get out of here BEFORE SOMEONE RECOGNIZES ME!"
Rap Must Have Replaced Pool Halls as a Stereotype.
Lemon: "I have a new family, the Glovers! And I am going to get them all these rapping Santas. [Picking up a Santa as it sings a carol.] Well I kind of assumed they would rap, which is kind of racist on my part, but still, best Christmas ever! You're welcome, Glovers."
Alec, Try to Say "And One by the Toilet" Like You're Playing Poker with James Bond.
Colleen: "I need my other bell."
Jack: "We agreed one by the bed [pause] and one by the toilet."
The Chinese?
Hornberger: "Holy Buddha who likes Christmas?"
P.O.T.U.S. is Priority One. Repeat. Priority One.
Tracy: "I will not let you go into that neighborhood alone. In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo..."
Lemon: "Kwanza."
Tracy: "And Shalam-shazam to you too my sista. We'll go with you uptown and remember, DotCom, you are there to protect me and not Liz Lemon.
Lutz's First Line of the Season.
Jack: "Brainstorming session. Go."
Lutz: [Crying] "I don't wanna do this."
A Backstreet Boys Joke in Five Years.
Jenna: "Mr. Donaghy, as leader of this group I have to put my foot down. Christmas is a sacred time for me and my surrogate family. So if you're willing to look four 25-year old gay guys in the eyes and tell them that we're not going to see New Kids on the Block at the Borgata, be my guest."
Grizz Gets Touchy.
Lemon: "Thank you so much for carrying that. I will buy you guys dinner later."
Grizz: "Liz, we both have girlfriends."
Sarcastic Inner-Voice.
Lemon: "Tracy, I'm going to need you to take a picture. Just the push the little button on top."
Tracy: [Sarcastic] "Thanks a lot. I never operated a camera before."
[Not at all sarcastic]
"I'm serious. That was very helpful."
Like the Music of ABBA.
Jack: "Every year the dreadful moment would arrive when I would catch Mr. Schwarz caressing my mother's bony thigh. And I'd say 'eyes on the keys, Jackie boy. Keep your eyes on the keys.' And they would ask me to play 'White Christmas' and it would turn into some boozy, burlesque travesty. Every time I hear that song I get aroused."
Or to the Hand.
Lemon: "I would like to talk to whoever screens the letters to Santa."
Irene: "Then you'd better talk to that box."
There's Always Good Work at the Post Office.
Lemon: "Can you help me out with her?"
Tracy: "Oh really? We're both black so we must know each other."
[Noticing Irene]
"Hey! Irene!"
Irene: "Hey Tracy!"
Tracy: "Did Vicky hook you up with this job?"
Irene: [Rolls her eyes] "Yeah."
Tracy: "Oh girl, you better stop!"
Zing!
Lemon: "You don't know the Postmaster General do you?"
Jack: "I do but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I want to lick a hippie I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls."
One Job Obama Ain't Bringing Back.
Colleen: "I'm sweating like a grape picker."
Line of the Night.
Lemon: "It was just two dudes, Kenneth. They scammed me and now they're selling that stuff on eBay. There were no kids up there and there definitely weren't any hugs around here."
Tracy: "Well if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host the Price is Right."
In Treatment.
Tracy: "I'll call Grizz and DotCom. I'm sure they're not doing anything."
[Cut to: Rockefeller skate rink] Grizz and DotCom lace up their skates. Grizz picks up the phone.
DotCom: "No. Dr. Williams said boundaries."
I Don't Know, Kate Moss?
Colleen: "What kind of son..."
Jack: "What kind of mother tells her son that John Kennedy died because he talked in church? Or tells her son when he was voted captain of the diving team, quote, 'What a great way to meet guys?'"
Returned to Sender.
Lemon: "I did a good thing. I got the letter..."
Mr. Glover: "Yeah the letter that said 'Dear Santa.' Not the letter that said 'Dear lonely white lady.'"
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