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Lemon heads into work on a sunny day looking good, feeling good. So good in fact a man in a limo accosts her with a wooing catcall. It's Jack! He's back from DC and wants to get his old job. In case you forgot Jack lost his job at the end of last season to his business nemesis Devon Banks. Also, in case you forgot, Lemon decided that she wanted to adopt a baby and today the adoption agency will conduct their home evaluation test with her. "There is no chance I'm blowing this," she declares.
Jack offers job assistance to Devon and his faux-wife Kathy Geiss but is rudely turned down. After a few choice reminders about how Devon is underperforming in his new business role, Devon offers Jack a job in the mailroom. He'll take it. Meanwhile Tracy announces that his pornography video game is a smash success: "through the riz-noof," he says. "Well how far through the riz-noof?" asks Jenna. "Whoa, that's not slang," corrects Dot Com, the entourage member. "He has a speech impediment." Jenna points out mildly that she wants some of those points given the fact that she provided voices for the game, but Tracy holds his royalty check up to her face as "priz-noof" to the contrary. "Now that one he was just being obnoxious," says Dot Com to Jenna.
Jack is now the mail boy at NBC Universal. He plans on working his way up through the ranks and believes he can get his job back in nine years time. Lemon retreats back home for her appointment with the adoption agency home evaluation. At Lemon's apartment Bev the adoption agency evaluator grills her with questions about sex cams and her arrest record and at the same time lights on fire a rolled up newspaper to test the room's smoke detector. It's an unorthodox evaluation. It gets even more so when the evaluator invites herself to Lemon’s place of work.
Jack brings Kathy Geiss her copy of Soap Opera Digest and then smooth talks his way into convincing her to let him help her. Get it? "Let me. Help. You." She approves by placing one hand on his knee, and then it goes further up the leg. Jack is caught off guard to say the least.
Lemon tells the TGS staff that she needs them on their best behavior when Bev comes in for her evaluation.
Jack is now a conflicted man. Penetrate Kathy Geiss and turn the stairway to success into an escalator or continue along the virtuous path but wait another five years to win back his job? Later, Jack is in Central Park with his co-workers in the mailroom when Devon appears from out behind a gay rock. Two other gentlemen follow him out and then scurry away. Devon plans on shutting down the company for two years in order to starve supply and create a greater appetite for demand. (Read more about this economic plan here. )
Back at 30 Rock Lemon shows Bev around the TGS set and compliments it as a superior environment for kids, but when Bev interviews her co-workers they all, one-by-one, sink her with comments. Like Jenna's for example: "I used to date O.J." Jack pulls Lemon away from the rapidly decaying adoption evaluation process and tells her he is going through with it. He's going upstairs to "doink" Kathy Geiss. Tracy has an announcement to make and makes it loudly in front of Bev and Lemon. He bought gifts for everyone involved in the pornography video game. Devon walks in, to Lemon's dismay. She has to warn Jack.
Upstairs in Jack's former office, Jack and Kathy Geiss slow dance to "Feel the Vibration," when Lemon charges in and warns Jack about Devon’s imminent arrival. They leave immediately, taking the elevator the same time that Devon exits the other. Jack expresses second thoughts to Liz. "Is this the way my life was supposed to play out? The kid who walked four miles every Saturday to caddy because mother said that golf was a game for businessmen?" He dreads the idea of having sex with Kathy, but considers it his only option. Lemon begs to differ. Maybe it's not about sex; maybe it's about attention and the high drama Kathy sees everyday watching her stories. Jack thinks soap operas are all about sex but Lemon corrects him. They're actually more about scenes where "someone’s twin interrupts a wedding, or someone pulls a gun at a fitness center."
Bev walks in on this conversation and Jack takes her on a tour of the studio. Along the way they walk into a shouting match between Tracy and Jenna. Jenna’s furious about her thank you gift for working on his video game, which is a coupon for free hugs. Bev is shocked to discover that Lemon has been lying to her about the child readiness of her work environment. Jack tries to convince her of Lemon's worthiness but in runs Kathy Geiss who knocks Bev into the wall. Jack warns Bev to run away and she does … straight into Frank's set of gold nunchucks, given as a gift from Tracy. When Bev wakes up she has no memory. Lemon shows her around the office like it's the first time and this time people are on their best behavior. Does it make a difference? No. Bev says that because of the amount of hours Lemon has to work it does not make her a suitable candidate for adoption. Lemon gives an emotional plea to the contrary and the plea works. Bev reverses her decision agreeing to reconsider her evaluation. The two smile at each other. Pause. Bev says, "I'm Bev. I'm here to do Liz’s adoption evaluation." Argh! Lemon asks for someone to finally take the poor woman to the hospital.
Jonathan alerts Lemon that Jack is about to have sex with Kathy. Lemon runs into the office upstairs. "Don't do this! If you do you'll be just as bad as Devon." "Liz what are you doing here?" Jack looks over at the television playing a soap opera. "I thought you were at the fitness center with your twin?" He silently urges her to play along with his carefully orchestrated ruse of a scene meant to be reminiscent of a soap opera. They convince Kathy that they are lovers. It goes over so well with Kathy she demands they kiss. Will they? Of course not.
Outside Jack runs into Devon. He shows him a signed paper. Proof that Kathy has hired Jack to manage her on all business matters. Lemon pays a visit to Jack who is back in his old office. Bev unfortunately recovered completely from her head trauma and denied her application for adoption. She'll have to seek out a different agency. "The semi-virtuous path. You won't regret it," Jack tells her. Lemon exits. Lemon peeks her head back inside Jack’s office. "Did you need something else Lemon?" "No. I just like seeing you in there."
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It felt like forever for the new season of 30 Rock to start, but here it is and there you are looking all good. Before I start let me assure you that even at the tail end of this tense season of Presidential politics I won't be advocating for one candidate over the other. I will only allow, well within the context of this recap, that Tina Fey absolutely nailed her Saturday Night Live impersonation of Sarah Palin. The way Palin waves at rallies like it's a Macy's day parade, her ability to not answer questions from a moderator AT ALL and if she must answer them to answer them confusingly. Even that folksy down home charm she has that I thought only existed between the pages of poorly written Annie Oakley fan fiction. Finally, the inspired way she talks to regular Americans giving us all the feeling that only some of us actually belong in this country. But don't ask me. Ask Joe the Plumber. On with our show!
Lemon the maleless TV writer parades down the boulevard like Lou Reed in a deodorant commercial. She's looking good, feeling good. So good in fact a man in a limo accosts her with a wooing catcall. It's Jack! He steps out of the car and the two greet awkwardly, settling on a pal punch to the shoulder. Jack's back from DC and wants to get his old job back. In case you forgot, Jack lost his job at the end of last season to his business nemesis Devon Banks. Also, in case you forgot, Lemon decided that she wanted to adopt a baby and today the adoption agency will conduct their home evaluation test with her. "There is no chance I'm blowing this," she declares.
Jack the unemployed rich white man (indeed times are that tough) stands in his old office in front of Devon the Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming. He offers job assistance to Devon and Kathy Geiss, Devon's possibly invalid stage wife, but is rudely turned down. After a few choice reminders about how Devon is underperforming in his new business role, Devon offers Jack a job in the mailroom. He'll take it.
Meanwhile Jenna the desperate actress has some great news for the crew. She has a residual check for her work in a commercial being slapped while drinking Japanese cola for Tokyo University and now she plans to "buy us all some new boots for me." Tracy the dong slayer walks in flanked by Grizz and Dot Com. He's got exciting financial news. His pornography video game, a reference harkening back to last season's superb episode Uncanny Valley, is a smash success: "through the riz-noof," he says. "Well how far through the riz-noof?" asks Jenna. "Whoa that's not slang," corrects Dot Com the entourage member. "He has a speech impediment." The title of Tracy's new video game is "Dong Slayer," at least according to the cover that is in Tracy's hand. I see a picture on the cover too of a cartoon version of him standing between two half-naked white women. Yes we can. "Dong Slayer" has sold 61 million copies at $60 each. Jenna points out mildly that she wants some of those points given the fact that she provided voices for the game, but Tracy holds his royalty check up to her face as "priz-noof" to the contrary. "Now that one he was just being obnoxious," says Dot Com to Jenna.
Lemon drops an envelope in the mail boy's mail cart. "Thank you," says Jack the mail boy who is now the mail boy at NBC Universal. He plans on working his way up through the ranks from mail boy to Vice-President just like he did the first time he was at NBC 22 years ago. He believes he can cut that time more than in half and do it in nine years this time. He's already been promoted once since this morning. Lemon retreats back home for her appointment with the adoption agency home evaluation. Back at Lemon's apartment the adoption evaluator, played by Megan Mullally and familiar to some of you as manic and shrill zinger queen Karen Walker on the defunct sitcom Will & Grace, investigates Lemon's personal space like a U.N. moderator in the Middle East. "How often do you entertain gentlemen sex guests?" asks the evaluator. "Oh, boy, that's a -- once a year, but I'd be open to cutting that down," says Lemon. Bev the adoption agency evaluator continues to grill her with questions about sex cams and her arrest record and at the same time lights on fire a rolled up newspaper to test the room's smoke detector. It's an unorthodox evaluation. It gets even more so when the evaluator invites herself to Lemon's place of work.
Meanwhile at work, Jack brings Kathy Geiss the mute rich daddy's daughter her copy of Soap Opera Digest and then smooth talks his way into convincing her to let him help her. Get it? "Let me. Help. You." She approves by placing one hand on his knee, and then it goes further up the leg. Jack is caught off guard to say the least. Lemon tells the TGS staff that she needs them on their best behavior when Bev comes in for her evaluation. That means no pornography out in the open. Frank the pervy TV writer wants to play his tape of circus accidents but Lemon cuts him off with a no. In the background is Pete Hornberger putting away his inflatable sex doll. Jenna steps into Lemon's office to ask for her advice on how to handle not being compensated by Tracy for her work as a voice actor in the "Dong Slayer"- voice acting you say? Lemon tells her that Tracy "has something very special planned."
Jack confides in Lemon about being violated by the hands of Kathy Geiss. "It made me very uncomfortable. It's not at all erotic and fun like when men do it to women." Nevertheless he is now a conflicted man. Penetrate Kathy Geiss and turn the stairway to success into an escalator or continue along the virtuous path but wait another five years to win back his job? "I thought you said nine years?" says Lemon. "I was promoted again this morning to Director of Mail Systems."
Hornberger the Hornberger is remodeling the green room to look like a nursery for Liz. She thanks him, discards the baby doll in her hand, and heads over to Tracy's dressing room. She plays with Tracy a game of suggestive psychology by telling him that Lil' Wayne the rapper -- "that's his name, right?" -- always buys diamond watches for everybody that works on his albums. Tracy reads her loud and clear: "I should get my rap career going again." No. Lemon asks him to give something to all the people who helped him make his pornography video game.
Jack is in Central Park with his mailroom co-workers when Devon comes out from behind a rock wearing a suit with no shoes, followed by two men who are quite possibly Randy the cowboy and Felipe the American Indian chief. Jack demands that he pull himself together for the sake of the company, but Devon is not worried. He plans on shutting down the company for two years in order to starve supply and create a greater appetite for demand. Read more about this economic plan HERE. Devon then rambles incoherently for a few sentences and runs back into the wilderness of the park in search of Connecticut.
Back at 30 Rock Lemon shows Bev around the TGS set and compliments it as a superior environment for kids. That assertion takes a hit when a light from the ceiling comes crashing to the floor behind them. Bev takes down a note. A black guy walks past them. "Hey Rick," says Lemon. "I'm Fred. Rick is the other black guy." Lemon tries to play it off. "Happens to everyone, right Bev?" "Hmm, yeah. Happens all the time to my black husband." That went ... well? It continues on that track when Bev interviews some of Lemon's co-workers who all, one way or another, sink her with comments like Jenna's for example: "I used to date O.J." O.J. as part of a white woman's dating history is like asking Ice Cube to check "yes" or "no" to ever being convicted of a felony on a job application. Jack pulls Lemon away from the rapidly decaying adoption evaluation process and tells her he is going through with it. He's going upstairs to "doink" Kathy Geiss. Tracy has an announcement to make and makes it loudly in front of Bev and Lemon. He bought gifts for everyone involved in the pornography video game. For Frank a set of solid gold nunchucks. Pete gets a chinchilla coat. "You going to get so much nice-nice in that you going to have to grow another ding-" "Tracy!" shouts Lemon. She changes the subject quickly by introducing him to Bev. Tracy accepts the subject change by planting a firm and lingering kiss on Bev's lips. Devon walks in, to Lemon's surprise. He blew off Connecticut. Lemon tells Kenneth the NBC Page that "it is imperative that you keep Mr. Banks down here until I can get to Jack. Do you know what imperative means?" "Tell me! Tell me!" claps Kenneth with glee. Lemon goes upstairs to warn Jack and Kenneth attempts to distract Mr. Banks by performing girl push-ups. It appears to be working. Upstairs in Jack's former office a poster of Mark Wahlberg the douche appears to stare out at Jack and Kathy Geiss slow dancing to "Good Vibrations" when Lemon charges in and warns Jack about Devon's imminent arrival.
They leave immediately, taking the elevator the same time that Devon exits the other. Jack expresses second thoughts to Liz. "Is this the way my life was supposed to play out? The kid who walked four miles every Saturday to caddy because mother said that golf was a game for businessmen? Paid his way through Princeton by working the day shift at that graveyard and the graveyard shift at that Days Inn?" He dreads the idea of having sex with Kathy but considers it his only option. Lemon begs to differ. Maybe it's not about sex; maybe it's about attention and the high drama Kathy sees everyday while watching her stories. She doesn't actually say "stories." I just mean her soap opera shows, but you already knew what I meant if you used to tape episodes of Bold and the Beautiful and Guiding Light in 11th grade too. Not that I did (I did). Jack thinks soap operas are all about sex but Lemon corrects him. They're actually more about scenes where "someone's twin interrupts a wedding, or someone pulls a gun at a fitness center." Jack gets a text from Kathy. She's wondering where his strawberry mouth is. Bev walks in and Lemon begs Jack to be charming and he obliges offering to take her on a tour of the studio. Along the way they walk into a shouting match between Tracy and Jenna. Jenna's furious about her thank you gift for working on his video game, a coupon for free hugs. Jack leads Bev away, over to the green room/nursery. Outside the green room/nursery are baby dolls being tossed rudely into a giant mail bin. Bev is shocked. "Did you lie to me about their being a nursery here?" she asks Lemon. One of the men unloading the dolls is the same black man from earlier. "Rick, what are you doing?" says Lemon. "Bitch, my name is Fred." Bev gets all in Lemon's grill talking 'bout a "serious breach of trust" but Jack cock blocks her with some sugar talk, but then out of nowhere charges in Kathy Geiss, who sees Bev and Jack close together and goes Norman Bates on Bev's ass, yo. She knocks Bev hard into the wall. Awwww snap! Jack pulls her away. Aw snap-snap! It's like the Maury Povich Show. Jack warns Bev to run away and she does ... straight into Frank's set of gold nunchucks. Ouch. She collapses to the floor.
They take Bev to an empty couch and when she wakes up she introduces herself to Jack as if it were their first meeting: "I'm Bev. I'm here to do Liz's adoption evaluation." It's slight amnesia, therefore Lemon gets a do-over. She only wants 20 minutes to prove herself worthy of adoption before they cart Bev off to a hospital for exhibiting memory loss. Everyone at TGS is put on high notice to be on their best behavior and they come through, offering high praise of Lemon to Bev. This time Lemon even gets Fred the black man who isn't Rick's name right in the hallway. Does it make a difference? No. Bev says that because of the amount of hours Lemon has to work it does not make her a suitable candidate for adoption. Lemon gives an emotional plea to the contrary, insisting that her life "will open up and make room just the same way that my heart will open up and make room when I meet this baby." The plea works. Bev reverses her decision agreeing to reconsider her evaluation. The two smile at each other. Pause. Bev says, "I'm Bev. I'm here to do Liz's adoption evaluation." Argh! Lemon asks for someone to finally take the poor woman to the hospital.
Jonathan the devout assistant runs up to Lemon and alerts her to run upstairs before Jack can debase himself for the company by having sex with Kathy. Upstairs in the office, Kathy is taking off Jack's shoes, one then the other, when Lemon charges in with one hand held over her eyes. "Don't do this! If you do you'll be just as bad as Devon." "Liz what are you doing here?" Jack looks over at the television playing a soap opera. "I thought you were at the fitness center with your twin?" He silently urges her to play along with his carefully orchestrated ruse of a scene meant to be reminiscent of a soap opera; a soap opera for instance like episode 2,114 of The Young and the Restless when Victor gets caught having an affair with another woman and... forget I said anything. Anyway, Jack and Lemon convince Kathy through their campy performance that they are indeed lovers. It goes over so well with Kathy that she demands they kiss. "Kiss, kiss, kiss!" Will they? Will they kiss, these two ships in the night? Will they utterly ruin this show? Naw! Of course they won't. What, you thought you were watching a Dear John episode or something? week Jere Burns gets a heart of gold? Get outta here.
Outside, Jack runs into Devon. He shows him a signed paper. Proof that Kathy has hired Jack to manage her on all business matters. Devon tells Jack he has a back up plan for his financial future and then runs into a car and threatens to sue, only he can't because it's Tracy in the car who points out "I'm already being sued. Double Indemnity!" Devon hastily looks for another car to run into and Jack chases after.
Lemon pays a visit to Jack, who is back in his old office. Bev unfortunately recovered completely from her head trauma and denied her application for adoption. She'll have to seek out a different agency. "The semi-virtuous path. You won't regret it," Jack tells her. Lemon exits. Lemon peeks her head back inside Jack's office. "Did you need something else Lemon?" "No. I just like seeing you in there."
A sweet note to close on and for the record there is no Tina Fey backlash. She'd have to take herself way more serious than this for that to happen. Jokes?
Skin Flicks
Lemon: "I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica."
Jack: "That man can wear a sweater."
"Something's Missing"
Devon Banks: "The only thing Kathy and I need assistance with is deciding which John Mayer song to do it to."
Silent Comedy Award
Jenna slapped in the middle of her Japanese cola commercial.
A Lady's Prerogative
Bev: "How old are you Liz?"
Lemon: "37."
Bev: "I should tell you right now it's important that you don't lie."
Blame It On Deutschland
Lemon: "I was arrested once in Germany for nudity. I thought it was a topless beach. It was a shipyard."
Show Me On the Doll
Jack: "She touched me in my swimsuit area."
No blizzard please?
Tracy: "No-blizz-o-bleez. Yes."
A Kenneth Quip
"Three of my nine siblings were adopted and someday I'm gonna find them."
Like Moths to a Flame
Jenna: "Well I first met Liz in 1993. She was fresh out of college and I had just broken up with O.J. Simpson, and can I just say something? Total gentleman."
Real Time with Tracy Jordan
"Attention everyone! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone invoiced for making my video game the most profitable thing since the war on terror. Yes, I am provocative."
Fine ... like handbags and gladrags
Tracy: "Now you look after my girl Liz Lemon, 'cause me and her go back way back like spinal cords and car seats.
Lemon: "Not really an expression."
The Japanese Translate an Episode of Designing Women
Devon Banks: "Nice to see you Liz. Let's chitchat. What's that? Man trouble. Boot cut jeans. Fun. Bye."
Dora Needs an Exploratory Committee
Jack: "This job is all I've ever wanted Lemon and now it hinges on how far I'm willing to go with a woman in Dora the Explorer panties that were clearly made for an obese child."
Correct Answer
Jack: "I'm going to give Kathy the full Soap Opera while you try to trick a lady with a head injury. We might not be the best people."
Lemon: "-but we're not the worst."
(Together): "Graduate students are the worst."