It's Steve Buscemi week on television, and I approve heartily! On Sunday, he showed up on The Simpsons and tonight, he's private investigator Lenny Wozniak. Jack hires Lenny to do a background check on himself, to make sure he'll pass G.E.'s rigorous pre-CEO-hiring vetting process. While Lenny turns up very few deep dark secrets on Jack aside from the usual -- embarrassing family, undocumented immigrants as household help -- he does come up with one Technicolor doozy. Jack collects cookie jars and attends conventions with his fellow aficionados under the alias "Vic Nightingale." After Lenny shows Jack pictures of a younger, freer Rudy Giuliani with his wooden doll collection ("He looks so happy," Jack protests. "I've already made enough sacrifices for this company -- they're not going to get this!"), Jack's convinced he has to get rid of the collection. But who to give it to? The one person who sees the upside-down "WOW" on the side of a jar in the office: Kenneth. As Kenneth walks off with the first of the jars, Jack asks G.E. "Are you happy now, you son of a bitch?"
Kenneth can use the collection to cram all his personal troubles away. He's been assigned the task of keeping Jenna fat. She's losing weight because her recent professional success -- fan mail from prisons, the endorsement for Enormé perfume (the perfume for plus-sized women), a good working relationship with Jack -- has made her too happy to eat. A less-fat Jenna is a less-loved Jenna, so Kenneth's assigned the task of fattening her like the hogs on his family farm. Unfortunately, his attempts to insult Jenna somehow inflame her libido instead. Oh, Jenna. You'll never keep the calories on that way.
And poor Liz is stuck between Angie's giant rock (it belonged to Brooke Astor) and the crazy place that is Tracy. Angie's determined to watch Tracy like a hawk, but even she can't do it all, so she enlists Liz's help. However, Tracy springs free and heads off to a strip club -- he's in withdrawal and the only fix he craves is a coked-up Russian who tolerates his motorboating her saltwater-inflated cleavage. Although Liz and Tracy almost pull off an alibi when he gets back, Angie smells the Enormé and brass polish on Tracy, deduces he was at a strip club, declares Liz unfit to handle her business, and becomes the kind of backstage nightmare to which Mama Rose could only aspire. Fed up, Liz gets advice from Jack to kick out Angie, but to learn to take a punch before effecting the actual eviction. When Liz goes down to kick Angie out, it nearly degenerates into a catfight, but then the moon goes into the seventh house, Jupiter aligns with Mars, and several of Tracy's neurons fire in order. He steps up, orders Angie to back off and get out...and inflames her libido. We are left to assume that Tracy's working situation is back in order.
And now, the exchanges of the evening...
It's like Stephen Colbert's fondest dream and his worst nightmare, all rolled into one
Liz: I got a call from some lawyer today who was asking me what kind of a boss you are, and how long I've known you, and what animal best describes you.
Jack: What did you say?
Liz: An eagle with the head of a bear?
Jack: Thank you. Your respect means the world to me, Lemon.
So much for the talking cure
Liz: Wait a minute -- you hired someone to investigate yourself? That's weird.
Jack: Well, you do the same thing with your therapist every week, don't you?
Liz: I had an amazing breakthrough with my therapist this weekend. I was talking about that dream I have all the time...
Jack: Ring, ring!
Liz: ...where you find...
Jack: [Talking to a phone he made out of his own hand] Hello! [to Liz, in a whisper] I'm sorry, I have to take this. Yes? Why, she's right here.
Liz: Wait a minute. That's a fake phone. [She leaves.]
Jack: She'll be right down. What else is going on?
No, it's cool -- Mrs. Astor loved B.G. and the Cash Money Millionaires
Angie: I let Tracy back in my life on two conditions. One: This. [She lifts her right hand to display a showy diamond ring.]
Liz: Bling bling! That is ghetto fabulous.
Angie: It belonged to Brooke Astor.
Liz: [whispering] It's very nice.
Angie: And the other condition: I'm with him all the time. The only things he can do is [sic] work, eat, love on me, and sleep. Isn't that right, baby?
Tracy: I'm whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.
Somewhere, Twofer is rolling his eyes, and we are missing his pain
Liz: I think this is going to be great, Angie. I think you and me are going to make a great team.
Angie: Oh? You looking for a sassy black friend?
Liuz: Oh, no, I didn't mean --
Angie: Well, you got one now, girlfriend! Go on! Rowr!
So Enormé attracts bears? Is that where we're going here?
Liz: What's Enormé?
Jenna: It's the number-one fragrance for plus-sized women?
[Cue a very Calvin Klein-esque commercial in black and white with a lot of fluttering fabric.]
Jenna: Enormé. Make him chase the chunk.
Announcer: Available exclusively at your local drug store. Do not use if menstruating.
And now, the sequence that made Mr. Sobell choke on his It's-It
Lenny: Have you ever been arrested?
Jack: I have. At the 1976 national Democratic convention. But it's okay. I was there beating up hippies.
Lenny: And what about your family? Any skeletons there?
Jack: My brother Eddie sells faulty sprinkler systems to elementary schools. My cousin Tim fixes NBA games. My mother's an Olympic-level racist, but as for the rest, they're too drunk to do too much of anything. Unless getting thrown out of a Chili's is a crime.
Best throwaway moment -- literally
The first time Jack and Lenny meet, Jack's smoking a cigar through the conversation. He throws it away at the end ... and Lenny picks it up, resumes smoking it, and says as he finishes puffing, "I'll be in touch."
That sketch could feature Andy Samberg as "opportunity cost"
Tracy: Hey, Liz Lemon. I've been reading the newspaper to come up with ideas for some topical sketches. Can we do..."Business Section?"
Liz: Tracy, I love that you're trying to help!
Tracy: Everything is great!
Liz: Thanks to Angie.
Tracy: Where is my lovely wife?
Liz: She had to step out. She had a hair appointment.
Tracy: Oh, I'm going to a strip club now.
So are the big cats only an endangered species between the hours of midnight and seven-thirty AM?
Tracy: You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight.
It's like someone updated Dinah and the Green Fat Kingdom and took it to a dark place
Jack: It's come to my attention that you no longer have an eating problem.
Jenna: That's ridiculous!
Jack: Is it? You're not breathing heavily. Your skin has cleared up. I even find you slightly attractive now.
Jenna: Don't say that, Jack! Come on! "Me want foooood," right?
Jack: Do you want food, Jenna? Do you?
Jenna: I don't know anymore. I have no appetite.
Jack: It's okay. Kenneth!
[Kenneth pops in.]
Jack: Kenneth is going to be with you 24/7 to keep you fat. Keep Jenna fat, keep Jenna funny. Am I right, Kenneth?
Kenneth: It'll be just like back on the pig farm. I'm going to fatten you up, grow to love you, then my uncles will slit your throat! [beams happily]
He's not in the closet...he's in the jar
Lenny: CEOs don't have thousands of cookie jars. Weird little men in bowties do.
Jack: Are you saying it's a gay thing?
Lenny: You wish it was a gay thing.
A sci-fi fan? Suddenly those telecom stock buys make more sense
Dot-com: We open on a lone soldier walking through the desert. The year: 1961. The place...Mars.
It's all fun and games until the TSA makes you take another spoonful
Kenneth: This stuff will make you real fat, Miss Moroney. It made my dad's heart just up and give out. [darkly] And that's what made my mom's friend Ron move in. Hmmm!
Jenna: Mmmph.
Kenneth: [feeding Jenna grits by the spoonful] Coming in for a laaaanding.
Jenna: Mmmph.
Kenneth: Coming in for a laaaaaanding. B-b-b-b-b-b. Uh-oh! There's turbulence! Bbb-bbb! Now an Indian guy got up to use the bathroom and an air marshall shot him!
The Hansen's Diet Tangerine Lime Extended Set-Up of the Evening
[At the 18-minute mark]
Pete: How's it going with Angie?
Liz: Terrible. She hates me, she's hijacking the show. I've gotta go talk to Jack.
Pete: Oh -- you want a scary black lady to be nice to you? Tell her you like her nails. It always works for me at the bank.
[At the 20-minute mark]
Liz: This is what I came to talk to you about. Tracy's wife is out of control.
Jack: Did you tell her you liked her fingernails?
[At the 23-minute mark]
Angie: Are you stepping up on me?
Liz: So what if I am? Also, your nails look tacky!
A man, a plan, a cookie jar with a upside-down legend
Liz: What's with the cookie jar?
Jack: I collect them.
Liz: Really? Is that some sort of unresolved childhood thing?
Jack: Nice try. We never had any cookie jars in my home because my mother never baked us any cookies, because she felt we never deserved any cookies. So obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood.
Liz: But that cookie jar says "Mom" on it.
Jack: I don't think so. I've always viewed it as an upside-down "WOW."
It would be the first documented instance of him actually using magic
Kenneth: [brightly reading from a list Liz obviously prepared] You going to give up on this like you gave up on your relationship with David Blane?
Jenna: He's the one who drove the wedge with his magic!
I only caught that joke because I was wearing my glasses Shortly after a discussion with Jack wherein he theorizes that Angie will punch Liz in the face, Liz goes down to kick Angie off the set. She takes off her glasses before doing so.
Tracy becomes a man. stop: werewolf!
Tracy: Do I have to fix this situation? I am the immature one! But the both of you? You're forcing me to act like an adult. An adult! And even worse, you're making me stop two ladies from going at it.
And here I thought ceramics got broken owing to family conflicts, not collected
Kenneth: Look at that kooky old cookie jar! I like the upside-down "WOW" on it.
Jack: [looking like he's just seen the first rays of dawn after a very long night] You like cookie jars, Kenneth?
Kenneth: I guess I never thought about it that much. We had a nice one back home in Georgia. Had a bear on it. [darkly] I remember when my mom's friend Ron would come over. They'd go into the bedroom to sort out their paperwork, and I'd just stare at that cookie jar. It was almost as if I took every problem that I ever had, and put it inside that cookie jar. And I sealed it up so tight, nothing would never, ever, ever get out.
[Jack looks on with a mixture of trepidation and hope, then shakes his head as if he's in perfect understanding. ]
Kenneth: [brightly] So, I guess to answer your question, I give cookie jars about a "B."