Can we start off by getting all meta? You know and I know that writing about funny things is a near-foolproof way to make them less funny. So here's how we'll play it: I'm going to sum up the show in a few paragraphs, and then I'm going to give you all what you really want, which is a big section devoted to the set-ups and jokes that provide the one-liners we'll use ceaselessly over the few months. This way, we're all on top of whatever breakout phrase will replace "mind grapes" in our affections (AS IF that's possible) and we'll still be able to explain the gist of each episode to the apostates who aren't yet watching.
Okay, let's go...
Liz comes back from hiatus, totally psyched to be back at work. She immediately finds Jack who has come off "the most productive summer of [his] life." Inspired by his summer success, Jack is launching "SeinfeldVision," wherein he will digitally insert Jerry Seinfeld into all NBC's shows. We see clips of Law and Order: SVU, Heroes, and Deal or No Deal, all with Seinfeld digitally inserted. Then Jack runs down Liz's summer, which frankly sounds fab -- yoga and quilting and flip-flop wearing -- by flipping up the Biggest Loser tape as Liz talks. She rightly marvels, "I can't believe I missed you."
This launches the primary storyline: Jerry Seinfeld gets wind of Jack's plan to launch an entire month of SeinfeldVision, and he is not happy about it. Jack gives him the runaround for a bit, subjecting Seinfeld to two different horrors: Liz forced to give him a tour when she'd rather brood about her breakup with Floyd, and a star-struck Kenneth goggling at him constantly, his smile as sunny and vacant as the room in an Andrew Wyeth painting. (This so unnerves Seinfeld that at one point, he turns to Jack and screams, "Call off your goon!" Kenneth only grins more widely at this.) Jack does not immediately come up with a way to placate Seinfeld, and unravels over the course of the two days. When Seinfeld comes in for a second meeting, Jack is completely at loose ends. After briefly contemplating murder by statuary, Jack melts down all over Seinfeld, and they dicker over SeinfeldVision until a deal is reached: one night only, $1.5 million goes to Doctors Without Borders, Al Roker has to promote Seinfeld's Bee Movie while wearing a bee costume, and Jack gets the name of a secret European nation where the very rich vacation.
In the B-plot: Tracy has been booted from the house thanks to A) his habit of telling transvestite hookers to go to computer school, B) a tabloid magazine allegedly getting a photo, but C) captioning the tranny in the photo as Tracy's wife. Angie is furious. Tracy is now living in the studios, he's decided, but he's at sixes and sevens: "Who's going to do my banking? Who's going to write my blogs? Who's going to do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?" The answer, unsurprisingly, is Kenneth. Tracy has a rocky first night: "Angie kept my Sharper Image aromatherapy white noise machine. She knows I can't sleep without the sound of the ocean and the smell of bacon." But he and Kenneth quickly settle into a simulacra of married life. I look forward to seeing how this will go.
In the C-plot: Cerie asks Liz and Jenna to be bridesmaids (Cerie: "Now I have something old!"), and their trip to watch Cerie try on bridal dresses ends up with Liz purchasing a bridal dress of her own. This leads to much intraoffice derision, and Liz has to spend a day in the dress after the writers make fun of her. In the end, she concludes that she's just spent $4000 on a "ham napkin." And by the way, she is still not over Floyd. He may be over her, though, if the woman who answered his phone is anything to go by.
And finally, poor Jenna in the D-plot. Thanks to the rigors of her summer gig -- a musical version of Mystic Pizza in which she ate 32 slices of pizza weekly -- Jenna has packed on the weight. This delights Frank to no end, and Jenna alternates between writhing in shame over her new look and defiantly insisting she's still got it. Jack does not think so: he wants her to either lose 30 pounds or pack on another 60 or so. Ah, the glamour of being an actress.
And now, the exchanges of the night...
The 'Suck This, GTD Crowd' Exchange of the Night:
Jack: I'm back, Lemon. I've had the most productive summer of my life.
Liz: Me too --
Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits: America's Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than a Dog?, MILF Island --
Liz: MILF Island?
Jack: Twenty-five super-hot moms, fifty eighth-grade boys, no rules.
Liz: Oh, yeah. Didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.
Like Jesus, Tracy ministers to everyone in need:
Tracy: How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?
Liz: One.
Tracy: So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.
Liz: I don't think I did know that, no.
Dot-com: It's true. He doesn't mess with them. He just tries to get them into computer school.
He Does It All For...Television:
Liz: Kenneth, you are now in charge of doing all the non-sexual things that Angie used to do [for Tracy].
Tracy: So he's like ... my office wife?
Liz: Sure, let's go with that. [She leaves]
Tracy: (gets down on one knee) Kenneth Parcell, will you take this ring...and sell it in the Jewish part of Midtown, then go get us a Nintendo Wii?
Kenneth: Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes! [Runs off giggling.]
Not to make this about me, but this is eerily familiar:
1 2 3 4
The young Liz Lemon: [holding up two teddy bears] This is my husband, Saul Rosenbear, and this is his son Richard, from a marriage.
Liz in the present day: And then he cheated on me with a lamb.
Horrifying or funny? You make the call:
Tracy: Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand-up together. Remember the night we had the three-way with Elayne Boosler?
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't think that was me.
Tracy: Oh, yeah. You know what? I think that was a mirror.
If there was such a land, Vanity Fair would have already reported on it:
Jerry: Jack, I was vacationing with my family in Europe, in a country only rich people know about --
Jack: Stenborgia?
Jerry: No, better. But I can't tell you.
The honeymoon always ends too soon:
Tracy: I'm mad at you, Kenneth. I've seen the way you looked at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What? Am I not a big enough star for you anymore?
Kenneth: I am not even going to dignify that with an answer. [Gets up, walks over, whirls around to face Tracy] Especially after I picked out all these throw pillows for in here, and you didn't even notice!
If this happened in a dream, you'd chalk it up to too many Wednesday tacos:
Liz: [walks out in the wedding dress] Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, well, well. You called that boyfriend! Did it go well?
Liz: No, it didn't, Jer. [begins to get teary] A woman answered.
Jerry: Another woman already? What did you say to her?
Liz: [voice rising as she gets more upset] I did a fake survey!
Jerry: [voice rising because that's his thing] You did a fake survey?
Liz: I know! I'm not over it! And now I'm wearing this! What is the deal with my life?
Jerry: Are you imitating me?
Liz: Noooooo! This is what I sound like when I cry!
Jerry: I think I'm a little insulted!
Liz: You're insulted? I'm crying!
The Diet Hansen's All Natural Black Cherry Extended Set-up of the Night:
Liz: [at the 0:22 mark] I don't need society's permission to buy a white dress! Who says this is a wedding dress anyways? In Korea, they wear white to funerals!
[At the 0:25 mark, as she's eating two separate meals alone on a stage ...]
Tracy: Oh, no! Did a Korean person die?
This beats the Trash the Dress movement all to hell:
Jack: Good God, Lemon, what's happened to you? I thought this was going to be your year!
1 2 3 4
Liz: I couldn't even hold it together one week. I'm not you, Jack. I can't have a heart attack and pretend like it never happened. I can't break up with someone and immediately recover. I'm not you. I'm just me.
Jack: Lemon, don't ever say that you're 'just you.' Because you are better than 'just you.' And I am not going to let you give up. This is going to be our year. Now give me the ham.
Liz: I like the ham.
Jack. C'mon.
[Liz hands over the ham. Jack then offers his hand and pulls her up.]
Liz: A four-thousand-dollar ham napkin.
She walks off. Jack picks up her train and follows her.
Liz: I look pretty, though, right?
Jack: Don't push it, Lemon.
1 2 3 4