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After Logan turns out to be something of a, ahem, "one-termer" in bed, he gets on a helicopter without FLOTUS to bid farewell to Palmer's remains at the airport. Naturally, Kiefer's in the copilot's seat by the time Logan boards. Kiefer hijacks the chopper and takes Logan to an abandoned factory to try and get a confession out of him. Armed with a suitcase full of electronic equipment delivered by Morris O'Brian, Kiefer makes a big speech and tries to force Logan to incriminate himself on camera. But Logan's able to hold out until the cavalry arrives, and Kiefer's arrested. So Logan's free to proceed to the airport and salute Palmer's casket. But before that happens, FLOTUS meets him there and throws a rather public conniption. Logan drags FLOTUS into an empty hangar and throws an even uglier scene at her in private, in which they hash over Logan's crimes yet again. Logan's careful to make sure that FLOTUS isn't wearing a wire before he gets into it, of course. But what he doesn't know is that the one wearing a wire is Logan himself, courtesy of Kiefer and Morris. So finally, the Attorney General gets to hear a damning recording of Logan. And Logan is arrested in front of everyone, just moments later. I guess his guilt makes it okay that Kiefer kidnapped and threatened to kill the President of the United States of America. Kiefer is free to have a joyous reunion with Audrey, because our government is just that forgiving. Less forgiving: the Chinese government. Still pissed about the death of their Consul last season, they nab Kiefer and put him on a slow boat to...well, you know. And you think it's going to be a long hiatus for us? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
At first I was wondering why we needed two minutes' worth of previouslies when the last episode ended three minutes ago, but now I understand: President Logan needed that entire two minutes to schtup his wife and then get halfway dressed. My, what a fabulous lover he must be. At least when he's in jail, FLOTUS's conjugal visits will be short. He helps zip her into her funereal black dress, but not before stealing a kiss on the back of her neck. And now she's the one who's stiff, as she thanks him as sincerely as she can manage. The First Lady's face is heartbreaking to behold, but I'm sure it's nothing compared to her vagina.
In the Secret Service outbuilding nearby, Kiefer has found a handy flight suit in one of the lockers. Chloe calls his cell phone to let him know that she and Morris are working on getting Kiefer a spot on the helicopter's crew. We can see her PhotoShopping Kiefer's ID picture onto a badge that will presumably get him on the chopper, with Novick's help in verifying pilot codes. He switches over from cell phone to earpiece and tells Chloe he'll call her from the helicopter. Confident, aren't we? Kiefer tosses his cell phone to Aaron -- now rocking a sporty dark shirt/light windbreaker combo -- and tells him to expect a call from Novick. He heads off-screen to change. And back at CTU, Chloe says she has one more job for Morris.
A Secret Service agent runs up to the helicopter parked in the Not Camp David corral and tells the copilot that there's some kind of issue with his "packet," and the boss needs to talk to him on the phone right now. Maybe his packet says that he lacks a certain tendency to hijack aircraft while trying to bring down the President of the United States, and we just can't have that at a time like this.
Kiefer's fake ID and papers are coming over the color fax to Novick right now. He pops them into a scanner, moving as quickly as he can. Heavens, the tension of hurried office tasks. He looks like me at work when I'm facing a tight production deadline. He starts guiltily when FLOTUS appears behind him. Man, she doesn't even have JBF hair. Novick explains that he's sending documents to Kiefer at the Secret Service outbuilding, and she tells him that they're running out of time. And then runs out of the room. Hey, maybe she should see if she can get Logan to go for a two-fer. That might buy them another ten seconds or so. Novick calls Aaron to let him know the papers are coming through. "How are we doing for time?" Aaron wonders. "Hurry," is Novick's only answer. Aaron sees the document appearing on the fax to him. Nice to see that the most protected man in the world can be gotten to with a couple of third-generation color copies on plain paper.
The real copilot doffs his giant helmet as he enters the outbuilding. He picks up the desk phone to talk to his boss, but of course there's no one there. Was that Kiefer's idea? That certainly isn't very nice of him, to make someone think they're getting a phone call when they're really not. I certainly hope the karma from that doesn't come around and bite him in the ass in about thirty-five minutes. The copilot looks around and is surprised to see Aaron, thinking he'd been transferred out. Before he can get more than a few words into his packet story, a flight-suited Kiefer appears behind him and locks him in a sleeper hold. The copilot is unconscious in seconds. Wow, not only pulling the phone scam, but then knocking him out? How would Kiefer like it if someone were to pull that on him in about thirty-four-and-a-half minutes? Aaron hands Kiefer his papers and says of the copilot, "Don't worry about him." Thanks, Aaron. I'm pretty sure he wasn't, given the fact that he's already putting on the copilot's helmet and heading out the door. I think he's got the man-purse hidden in a regulation flight bag, which he's carrying with him.
Kiefer makes the long walk across the lawn to the helicopter, and I must say that that white helmet looks absolutely ginormous on him. He looks like a golf tee. To make himself even more conspicuous, he lowers the eyeshade, even though the sky is still pitch black. That's our Kiefer: putting the "secret" in "secret agent" since 2001. He hops into the chopper, saying that the other copilot has been relieved. "Ron Franklin," he says. "Here's my protocol." The pilot doesn't seem to find anything amiss about a crew replacement just minutes before the President is about to board, and a damned sketchy-acting replacement at that. It's 6:06:04 as the President's motorcade -- motorcade, for a hundred-yard walk, and never let me hear Logan use the impending energy crisis as an excuse for anything ever again -- pulls up to the fence. Everyone gets out of the respective cars, and while Logan is busy giving his speechwriter notes on the address, Novick quietly tells FLOTUS that Kiefer's on the helicopter. Which means it would probably be a good idea for her to stay on the ground. So she goes up to her husband and says she doesn't want to leave without her meds. Logan says they'll send someone back for it (don't forget to give them a broom and dustpan), but she says she'll catch up. And then, just to really sell it, she fills his head with the idea of his making an historic image after the day's events just by getting off a helicopter alone. Weak as this is, that kind of crap is totally catnip to Logan, so he jumps at her offer, smiling gratefully. "Don't be far behind me, now," he coaxes. Flanked by two Secret Service agents, he heads off towards the helicopter, which is just now starting up. FLOTUS watches him walk off to an uncertain fate, wondering what she's just done. Logan and his detail climb aboard and buckle themselves in, and Logan signals to the pilot to lift off. Which he does. Kiefer just sits in the copilot seat, wearing his sunglasses at night. Novick and FLOTUS exchange a look, but don't say anything.
Up in the air, Kiefer does something with the overhead control panel, so as not to look like too much of a passenger. Or maybe he's just shutting off his helmet radio. In back, Logan pulls out his pen to start marking up his speech. Over the roar of the rotors, Kiefer somehow manages to say in a low growl, "Captain." The pilot looks over and sees that Kiefer's pointing a gun at him. Kiefer's getting way too good at this hijacking thing. Kiefer lays it out for the pilot: "I can fly this thing if I have to, which leaves you one of two choices: you either do what I say and you live, or you don't and you die for nothing." The pilot seems to prefer the first option. Kiefer instructs the pilot to disconnect his helmet from the communications, then rip out the mike cable and take it off the helmet entirely. The pilot complies, knowing he's so fired. Before getting up and heading aft, Kiefer threatens, "I'll know if you deviate from your flight plan." Because he's got a gyroscope up his ass or something. He enters the passenger cabin, saying, "Mr. President, I have a message for you from the White House." And then he tasers both Secret Service guards into unconsciousness. The second guard has the slowest reaction time of any Presidential bodyguard since Lincoln's, because he never even draws before Kiefer zaps him. Isn't it awesome how every time Kiefer enters the Presidential presence, someone gets assaulted? Kiefer tosses a pair of handcuffs to a terrified and confused Logan, telling him to put them on. And then Kiefer removes his helmet. "You!" Logan says in horror. Instead of answering "Me," all Agent Smith, Kiefer raises Chloe on comm to tell her he's "with" the President. She responds that Morris is on his way with "the equipment," and she gives Kiefer directions to an abandoned printing factory where he can take Logan. Kiefer relays the directions to the pilot, and then he and Chloe are done talking. In fact, Kiefer's done talking to anyone for a while, even as Logan starts yammering at him. "Are you going to kill me?" Logan asks, a bit mockingly. Kiefer is not mocked; he just stares blankly at him as Logan continues to chatter about how he understands Kiefer's desire for revenge, but that he didn't want "bad things" to happen. "I have always acted in the country's best interests. But you're just trying to get even." So, to review: Logan good, Kiefer bad. He even tries falling back on his old argument about how Kiefer's present actions will further traumatize the American people. Then he gets frustrated with Kiefer's silence: "Dammit, Bauer, say something!" That's not a Presidential order that Kiefer seems inclined to obey.
Down on the ground, Chloe calls Morris in his car and directs him to the industrial park where Kiefer will be landing. Morris confirms, "I give this guy what we worked on and then I'm out, right?" Chloe agrees, but reminds Morris that she wants "the guy" to call him after Morris makes the drop.
The helicopter sets down at Kiefer's destination. Kiefer tells the pilot to shut the rotors down, and with another shot from his taser, the pilot goes nighty-night as well. Kiefer forces Logan out of the aircraft at 6:11:45, and dork-walks him to the nearest building. He shoots the lock off and herds the President inside. Like every other abandoned facility on this show, the place looks like the set of an '80s heavy metal video. As Kiefer leads Logan to a sort of office-like area with a desk, Logan has entered the bargaining stage. He's offering Kiefer stuff: the chance to get away, lots of money, contact with Spawn: "Whatever you want," Logan pleads, it's yours. I give you my word." Wrong thing to say to Kiefer. He starts emptying out Logan's suit pockets on the desk, ignoring Logan's protestations that the President of the United States doesn't carry any weapons. Kiefer carelessly tosses Logan's personal effects on the desk to his own gun: Logan's cell phone, Logan's pen, Logan's card with nuclear missile launch codes. Better hope the Russkies don't try something in the ten minutes, Kiefer. He undoes one of Logan's handcuffs and transfers it to a handy vertical pipe. Just then, he hears the door to the exterior opening. "Don't you make a sound," Kiefer threatens, and goes to investigate, his weapon drawn.
It's only Morris, of course, carrying a silver CTU briefcase. "Jack Bauer," Morris remarks, struck serious for once. "I should have known that." He hands over the case, then digs into his pocket to give Kiefer the "modified equipment," which just looks like a yellow wallet from where we're standing. Morris happens to glance across the cavernous facility and sigh, "Aw, that's President Logan, Jack." Kiefer fails to smack his forehead and claim that he thought he was just trying to teach a lesson to his cable guy. Instead he tells Morris to scarper. As Morris redshifts back towards the door, he tells Kiefer to call Chloe. Kiefer does, telling her, "I have him." Chloe says he has under ten minutes before the cavalry arrives. "Fine," Kiefer grunts. Chloe adds, "I don't mean to put any added pressure on you, but if you don't have a confession by then, we'll all be arrested for treason." Kiefer already knows, and he hangs up at 6:14:22. What would Chloe say if she did mean to put added pressure on Kiefer? Probably the exact same thing.
6:18:32. The sun is rising outside the factory, which is weird because the sky was still completely black not ten minutes ago. Twilight certainly goes by fast in the 24-verse. Let's go inside and see how well Kiefer has been using the first four of his ten minutes, shall we? Well, for one thing, he probably should have kept Morris on hand for tech support. He's just now finished setting up the briefcase Morris brought him, which turns out to be a laptop with a live webcam. Logan's on the monitor screen, of course, and Chloe's monitoring the proceedings remotely from CTU, presumably through an earpiece. Although anyone happening by may wonder what Logan's doing on her screen. She should probably open a browser window of porn just to be safe.
Kiefer finally answers one of Logan's questions, which is what he thinks is going on. "A confession," Kiefer says. "Don't count on it," Logan bluffs. Kiefer just looks at him, like, "I'm already counting." Logan tries to claim that he's not afraid of Kiefer's torture techniques, even after seeing what he did to Walt: "I think you'll find that I'm a little bit tougher than that." Kiefer brings Logan a chair and tells him to park it, then makes sure that Chloe can hear him. I'm sure Chloe is thrilled to hear him using her name during this. Logan asks, "Are those your friends at CTU? You know you're putting them in danger, as well." Chloe's stress level doesn't seem to rise much above its already-high baseline when she hears that. She and Kiefer check their connections. Logan tries one last time to get Kiefer to flee before his guys get there, but Kiefer goes right into the interview. If by "interview" you mean "filibuster." He outlines the case against the President: Logan authorized the plan to supply the terrorists with Sentox nerve gas, Palmer started asking questions and was assassinated, other people were killed to cover up Palmer's murder, blah, blibbedy bloo. Kiefer calls the victims "People who served this country with distinction. People I worked with. Friends of mine." He adds that the terrorists deployed the gas on American soil, and that every terror-related death that happened today is also Logan's fault. "And before you leave here, you're going to admit it." Now that he knows he's on camera, Logan is of course denying everything. He even points out that he'll say anything if Kiefer hurts him enough, and everyone watching will know that too. Kiefer asks for the names of Logan's co-conspirators. Logan starts to deny some more, so Kiefer bellows, "Walt Cummings! James Nathanson! Christopher Henderson! Have all admitted to being part of this conspiracy! Now they are dead!" Okay, you really can't blame that last one on Logan. Or the middle one, even. Kiefer says there were others, and again demands their names. Too bad he doesn't have time to check the last nine hundred calls on Logan's cell phone. Logan again says that anything he ends up confessing under torture will be meaningless, and Kiefer assures him, "Mr. Logan, I'm not going to torture you." But he will kill him if he doesn't spill. Logan doesn't bother pointing out that one kind of duress doesn't make a confession any more binding than another. He just looks worried.
Kiefer gets up from the desk at 4:21:16 and moves his chair to sit right across from Logan. And he changes the subject to the threat on his life a year and a half ago, "by someone within the government." He adds that "he was told" that the only way to stay alive was to play dead, even though Kiefer totally came up with that on his own. But the upshot is that he had to deceive people. "My only daughter will never forgive me." Logan is starting to think that he might be in a bit of trouble here. "As I see the depth of your corruption unfold," Kiefer metaphor-mixes, he now realizes that Logan was behind the original threat to his life. And now that Palmer and all of Kiefer's other friends are dead, "I have absolutely nothing to lose." He says Logan can't hide behind the presidency any more: "Right here, right now, you are going to face justice!" Unlike in the promo, the camera's focused on Logan's face as Kiefer says this, which is good because a bulging-eyed, trembly-jowled Kiefer isn't exactly a heroic image. Getting a little personal, though, aren't we, Kiefer? "Make no mistake about this," Kiefer says. "This is personal." Ah, I thought so. Kiefer says if Logan thinks he's scared to shoot him in the brain, then he doesn't know Jack. Yes, I said it. This is my 55th recap of this show, so don't you judge me. Kiefer says he's going to ask one last time who Logan's co-conspirators are. Logan just shakes his head, and Kiefer gives him until the count of three before he kills him. "One," he says, leveling his weapon at Logan's face. Logan plays the history card, saying Kiefer will make him a Lincoln or a Kennedy, while making himself a Booth/Oswald. "Is that what you want?" Logan, catch up. Nobody cares about their place in history as much as you do. "Two!" Kiefer yells, abruptly standing up without letting his aim waver. Logan tries a different tack, saying that Kiefer's a man of honor, and he won't pull the trigger if he loves his country. "Three!" Kiefer bellows, bringing the muzzle inches from Logan's nose. Logan just squinches his face shut and waits for it.
And Kiefer realizes that if you're always giving people until the count of three, the law of averages is going to come after you and you're actually going to have to see for yourself what comes after that. "Three and a half!" he doesn't holler. He steels himself to pull the trigger, but even he doesn't have that much steel. After a few more seconds, Logan dares to open his eyes, and he realizes he's got the upper hand again. His look turns crafty, and he observes that Kiefer can't do it. Kiefer jerks the gun closer, but Logan gets all fatherly as he says that it's okay. "It's all right that you can't," he says, going for "reassuring" and landing on "smug." "I'm the President." Which is the exact thing to say that would make Kiefer most likely to shoot him, but Kiefer just flinches. Logan has one more thing to add, and he says it gently and quietly, almost sympathetically: "Jack...Jack, they're here." And indeed, any number of SWAT team members and plainclothes Secret Service agents are swarming into the building, and every one of them's got a weapon locked, cocked, and aimed at Kiefer. Realizing his time is up, Kiefer lowers his weapon. Even Logan looks moved by the utter, soul-crushing defeat in Kiefer's face. Kiefer puts his gun down on the desk, then gets down on his knees and puts his hands behind his head. Logan is freed from his handcuffs, and as Kiefer is taken away, Logan starts collecting his things from the desk. Dude, whatever you do, do not forget your pen. "I actually feel sorry for that man," he tells the agent in charge, and one almost believes him. He suggests that Kiefer be put in solitary confinement, and Kiefer is dragged away. Great season! Good night, everybody! Oh, wait, it's only 6:24:54. Are you wondering if we really just saw Kiefer's whole plan?
6:29:02. Logan's helicopter is approaching the military airfield, where all manner of official fanfare has been laid on. FLOTUS and Novick are standing by the cars of the motorcade, apparently having been able to beat the President there thanks to his ten-minute detour. FLOTUS is in full mourning gear, complete with a wide-brimmed black hat, and on top of that neither of she nor Novick look too happy to see the chopper. Novick's cell phone rings and he answers it, but we don't get to hear either end of the conversation as the helicopter sets down. Novick sadly approaches FLOTUS and lets her know that Kiefer wasn't successful. "I'm not sure of the details," he says. "But Bauer's in custody." FLOTUS looks shocked that her husband is going to get away with it again. Or something. The rotors are still spinning as Logan disembarks, preceded by two Secret Service agents who are either different from the ones Kiefer incapacitated, or are doing an excellent job of being all, "I wasn't sleepin'." He walks across the tarmac alone, just like FLOTUS suggested, and her face twists in hatred like this wasn't her idea in the first place. Which it was, except for the part where it actually happens. That wasn't in the plan. She walks across the tarmac to meet him, and they kiss for the cameras at 6:30:52. Logan's Press Secretary calls a halt to the photo op, and then a flag-draped coffin is pulled out of the back of the hearse while the Marine Band plays a dirge I don't recognize. Probably because I was never in the Marines. The pallbearers, representing every branch of the military, carry the casket slowly across the tarmac towards a transport plane. The sight is just too much for FLOTUS, who starts breaking down as the casket is placed on a bier. Logan sees what's coming -- or he thinks he does -- and tries to get her to pull herself together, but she's not having it. "You killed him!" she yells at him in front of everyone. "You're a murderer! You're a criminal!" Logan pulls his old "My wife is not well" shtick, and gets the nearest Secret Service agent to escort FLOTUS to a nearby hangar, kicking and screaming all the way. I mean FLOTUS is kicking and screaming, not the Secret Service agent. Wouldn't that be a disturbing image: *boot* "WALK, BITCH!" *boot*. Logan tells his Press Secretary, "I want to make sure that she's all right," and heads over to the building. Before entering, he asks the agent at the door if the hangar is secured and empty. Satisfied that it is, he says at 6:32:35 that he'll be right back.
Inside, FLOTUS seems to be calming down a bit. But that ends in a hurry when Logan storms up to her and smacks her across the chops. Why is it always me who has to recap the woman-abuse around here? Logan holds onto her as she screams and struggles, trying to resist his vain search for a wire on her person. "You said thatIwas a good liar?" he mocks. "I am nothing compared to you." He gropes around below her waist, then dumps out her purse. Satisfied that she isn't wired for sound, he grabs her and accuses her of, well, basically everything she's done since the end of the last hour. "Getting Jack Bauer on that helicopter took a lot of planning," he says. "You were part of that plan, weren't you?" If only Logan knew that in this case, "A lot of planning" involved about fifteen minutes and a grand total of half a dozen people, including Kiefer himself. His voice shaking with anger almost as much as he's shaking her, he gets her to confess her part in the plan. And then he has the nerve to act hurt when he asks her why. "Because you killed David Palmer," FLOTUS cries. Logan again repeats his old excuse that that wasn't his fault, and FLOTUS insists that covering up a crime committed by people who worked for him was just as bad. Logan repeats excuse #2, that the cover-up, and all the people who died in the course of it, were for the good of the country. FLOTUS is as tired of hearing that as I am, and says, "You sold nerve gas to terrorists. You're insane!" Logan plays the "good of the country" card yet again, which is so worn you can read a newspaper through it by now. FLOTUS calls him a hypocrite, which he says she's not really in a position to call anyone after this morning. "And I'll tell you something else," he threatens. "If you blow up like this one more time, I will fill you so full of drugs you won't even know your own name. And then I will ship you off to an asylum and you can stay there for the rest of your life. Are we clear?" Barely able to breathe, FLOTUS agrees. "Now clean yourself up," says Logan. You're a mess." It's 6:35:23. FLOTUS's face is a maelstrom of emotions, but just for future reference, I meant to do that isn't one of them.
Commercials. Walt Cummings is on a new show in the fall. Nice to see that even though this show was finished with him, he decided to stick with the acting career instead of hanging it up.
6:39:33. The Logans return to the funeral gathering on the airfield tarmac, arm in arm. When they reach Palmer's casket, Logan disengages himself and snaps off a salute. The ground fails to open up and swallow him. Then he takes FLOTUS's hand again and walks with her to the dais set up in front of the several dozen seated mourners. And he begins his speech. You'll forgive me if I don't transcribe it.
In the CTU Situation Room, Chloe is one-third-watching the speech live on the big screen. The second third of her is tapping on her laptop, while the final third is on the line with the Attorney General's office. The AG's got a few Justice Department guys in there with him as Chloe says she's about to "start the transmission." "I certainly hope this recording is as important as you claim it is," the AG blusters into his speakerphone. Chloe makes a little "la-di-dah" face. About here is when Hayes and Buchanan step into the room, asking what's going on. Chloe tells them who's on the line, and Hayes immediately jumps in to apologize to the AG. Chloe says that she needed to keep this "under the radar to protect you all if things went wrong...I think it would help if I just played the recording." The recording in question, Chloe says, is of a conversation between the Logans five minutes ago, which she was able to get because "an agent named Jack Bauer placed a listening device on the President shortly before this conversation." Wow, way to wreck what should have been a big dramatic reveal. The AG isn't happy to hear Kiefer's name, and tries to say he doesn't even want to hear the recording. But it's too late, and now we can all hear FLOTUS saying, "Because you killed David Palmer." You know how it goes from there, and the Attorney General and his staff look quite serious indeed as the President of the United States fails to deny any of the horrible shit he's been accused of. Here's a thought: maybe before he started fucking around with terrorists and treason, Logan should have replaced Keeler's cabinet with people more loyal to himself. His poor prioritization skills may well prove his downfall.
Back at the airfield, Logan's still going on with his speech at 6:42:26. And at 6:43, and at 6:45, and at 7:09, and well into Season Six. Okay, not really. It just seems that way. He's just finished the bit where he calls Palmer "A great President, a great American, and, on a more personal note, a wonderful friend." Lightning doesn't strike Logan right where he stands, but the best thing happens: a cell phone in the back of the audience rings. Its owner -- a plainclothes officer with a hangdog expression built right into his face -- answers. He listens for a moment. "With all due respect, Mr. Attorney General," he says after much too short a pause, "are you sure this isn't some kind of mistake?" There's another pause, and the guy acknowledges whatever the AG is saying. Then he hands the phone to another agent, and starts signaling the men around him.
Logan notices this from the dais, and pauses nervously as his agents start moving towards him. But he quickly rallies, and continues speaking, even as Novick realizes behind him that something's up. Three men mount the dais and position themselves behind Logan at 6:43:56, waiting for him to finish. Logan spares them a glare without much conviction, then wraps it up, earning a sitting ovation. The guy who got the initial phone call identifies himself to Logan as a Federal Marshal, and asks Logan to come with him. I bet Logan wishes Kiefer were around now. But all he can do is bluster, until the Marshal leans in and whispers something into Logan's ear. "Those are ridiculous accusations," Logan tries, so the Marshal reaches into Logan's suit pocket and pulls out his pen. "You've probably never seen one of these, Mr. President," the Marshal says as he pops a tiny little black button off of his pen. I can barely see it now as it sits in the palm of the Marshal's hand. "It's a microtransmitter," the Marshal says mildly. Wow, the Attorney General is certainly able to convey a great deal of information in a very short amount of time. The Marshal adds insult to injury by handing the Presidential pen (which probably costs more than the Marshal's suit) off to another agent. Logan thinks back to the ugly scene in the hangar a few minutes ago, and turns to look at FLOTUS, who just looks back at him, triumphant. As if this was the plan all along. Which, if it was, I don't know when she was told. And if it wasn't, Kiefer was sure leaving an awful lot to chance. Either way, at this late date it's a hole you could fly Air Force One through, but it's too late to do anything about it now. FLOTUS seems to be thinking at him, Looks like I fucked you twice this hour. Novick is smirking at Logan right along with her. I don't know what he's so smug about: after plotting against two Presidents, I doubt he's ever going to get to be Chief of Staff for a third one. But I've been wrong about that before. Logan makes one last-ditch effort to assert his power, telling his Secret Service agent to arrest the Marshals. The agent says they have their orders. "You take your orders from me," Logan seethes. "Not any more," says the agent. Boo-yah! Logan goes quietly with the officers, back to his limousine.
At the same time, Palmer's casket is carried aboard the transport plane to the sound of a twenty-one gun salute. The music is positively Wagnerian as Logan gets into his car, which drives off at 6:46:36. In the back seat, all alone, Logan stares into the camera, his only consolation the thought that now FLOTUS and Novick are going to have to take a cab.
Back at the printing-press and president-threatening facility, Kiefer's head wound is being patched up by a member of the SWAT team that arrested him just over twenty minutes ago. "Give me a second," he tells the medic, because Audrey has just gotten out of a CTUmobile that's driven her straight to her honey. She's all sunlit and dewy, and the music is soft and tender, and it's kind of a shame that the effect is ruined by her ill-advised decision to wear a black bra under her white blouse. Apparently no longer under arrest, Kiefer makes a big show of brushing past about twenty milling agents to get to her and make his big speech. It goes like this: "Hey." Audrey heys him right back, and says she's glad he's safe. Kiefer says everything's going to be all right, because even with ten minutes left in the season, it's never too late to jinx yourself. He explains that kidnapping the President was "just" a means to get a confession. She smiles a little and takes his hand. She asks how much longer he needs to stay. Kiefer says not long, because "they can debrief me tomorrow." Audrey asks, "Are you sure?" Kiefer decides, Enough talking! More snogging! and clamps his face onto Audrey's, like he wants her to debrief him right then and there. Their little moment is interrupted by a tall plainclothes agent. He's a gentleman of Asian extraction, as it happens, who in American-accented English tells Kiefer that his daughter's calling him. He explains that they've patched the call through to a land line for some reason, and Kiefer can pick up the call inside. How nice of them to reconnect the phones at this abandoned facility just so Kiefer can hear Spawn without all the annoying cell phone static and dropped audio that has been such a trial for him all season. He thanks the agent, then promises Audrey he'll be right back. He'll regret saying that. "Take as long as you need," Audrey says. "I'm not going anywhere." Which she'll also regret saying. They kiss once more, and Kiefer tells her he loves her before heading inside the building. Oh, now he's done it.
Once inside the door, he quickly spots the wall phone and crosses to it. He picks up the receiver. "Hey, Kim?" he says. But before he even has time to realize that Kim's not on the line, a chloroform-soaked cloth is clapped over his mouth from behind. He struggles with his ski-masked attacker, as well as two more who come into the room to hold him in place. The last thing he sees before he blacks out is a glimpse through the window at Audrey, standing outside and smiling cluelessly. The three men drag Kiefer further into the building -- probably towards another exit -- at 6:49:03. See, Kiefer? Karma's a bitch.
6:53:22, and it's time to wrap this up. In the last act-in splitscreen of the season, Audrey is still practicing her dreamy music-video smile, the President's entourage is starting the long, quiet walk back to Not Camp David, Logan is riding...somewhere, and Buchanan's staring into space at CTU. Hayes comes up to him, wearing her coat like she's going somewhere. As they walk across the floor together, she denouements that Logan will probably try to get clemency in exchange for resigning without a fight. Buchanan remarks, "In any event, we can expect Hal Gardner to be sworn in as President soon. Which means this'll probably be the last time I'll see this place." Hayes declines his pity-party invitation, saying that she'll see that he's back running CTU. Buchanan thanks her, and she apologizes for her high-handedness at the time of her arrival. She doesn't apologize for Slime, though, which is too bad. Buchanan admits that "mistakes were made," although he doesn't say that most of them were McGill's. She looks like she's about to say more -- or possibly just climb up his tie and stick her tongue down his throat -- but she thinks better of it and starts to leave. Buchanan quickly, and a little awkwardly, invites her to breakfast, but she begs off, pleading a briefing at Division. "Rain check?" she asks. Buchanan agrees, as something really weird happens with his face. I think he's smiling. Hayes smiles back, and she's out of there.
At 6:55:10, Buchanan looks across the floor and sees Chloe, who is also preparing to leave. He pulls something out of his jacket pocket and approaches her, telling her, "Really good work today." Chloe returns the compliment. Buchanan hands over the item from his pocket, saying he found it in Edgar's stuff and thinks Chloe should have it. Well, I guess he hasn't really had a lot to do the past couple of hours besides loot the possessions of his scores of dead employees. Chloe thanks him, and he leaves her alone with what he gave her. She opens the item -- which just looks like a piece of paper with doodles on it -- and finds that it's a black-and-white photograph of herself and Edgar. They're sitting outside somewhere, smiling at the camera with Chloe's arm around him. Yeah, I would have wanted a picture of that, too. Also, I'd like one of Bigfoot and one of the Loch Ness Monster. They don't even have to be smiling. As she looks at the photo, her face starts crumpling. Morris suddenly appears at her elbow, apparently having decided to come back to CTU for some reason despite being "out." "What's all this then?" he Britishes. Without looking up from the picture, Chloe says, "A friend of mine died today." Morris asks her if she wants to talk about it. She nods, and they head off into the hiatus somewhere to have a quiet talk. You know, there are any number of CTU corridors that are ideal for just that purpose.
Back at the printing facility, Audrey's gotten bored with waiting for Kiefer to finish talking to Spawn, so she steps into the office, calling his name. The room is empty now, of course, and the phone handset is hanging from its cord, making that harsh off-the-hook beeping noise that really should have stopped several minutes ago. To her credit, she figures it out right away and bangs right out through the door to tell the agent in charge that Kiefer's missing. The agent immediately gets on his shirt-cuff to order a search, while Audrey scans the street, looking panicked, wondering where Kiefer could be. I have a theory. Let's test it, shall we?
Kiefer is somewhere very, very, dark. Looking beat all to hell, he's dragged into a slightly less dark place. It's a dank, cavernous room with a wet floor and chains hanging from the ceiling, otherwise empty except for two suited men standing with their backs to us. Kiefer's attackers dump him on the floor, and take off their ski masks. Like the agent who told Kiefer where to take the call, they're Asian, although these bewhiskered longhairs look like they were sent over by Tong Central Casting. Kiefer lies on the floor, half-conscious, his shirt ripped open and his face looking like he fell asleep on the railroad tracks. The two men in the room turn and walk towards him, and one of them is quite familiar. You may remember him from last season; it's the head of security at the Chinese Consulate in Los Angeles, the gentleman who so doggedly investigated and uncovered Kiefer's role in the death of the Chinese Consulate. And I don't think he wants to swap recipes.
One of the thugs lifts Kiefer's head up off the floor to face the boss. Consulate Cop reminds Kiefer about how "You invaded our territory and killed our Consul." Kiefer doesn't bother pointing out that the Consul was killed by friendly fire, but of course he even knew at the time that the Chinese wouldn't care. "Did you really think that we would forget?" Consulate Cop demands. Kiefer rasps, "I know how this works." And yet he begs to be allowed to make one phone call. Consulate Cop leans over him, smiling, either letting his prisoner hang on his answer or admiring the impressive prosthetic work that makes it look like Kiefer came within a hair of losing his left eye. The moment stretches out, and Kiefer finally spits. Consulate Cop's smile vanishes, and he gestures for Kiefer to be dropped roughly to the ground. Kiefer in turn manages to muster the energy to ask Consulate Cop to kill him. Consulate Cop doesn't think so: "You're far too valuable to kill, Mr. Bauer," he says, and leaves the room. Kiefer is left lying on the floor, looking through his one unswollen eye at the four men standing over him threateningly, one at each corner. I hope to God they just want to play bridge, he thinks.
A horn blows, and we see the roof of wherever Kiefer's being held. The camera pans over a helipad, and railings, and a big orange lifeboat hanging from a davit -- uh-oh -- and, yeah. It's bad. Kiefer's on board the Shangai, a huge Chinese cargo ship that's already steaming across the Pacific. No wonder he looks like that; they must have stuffed him into his own man-purse to sneak him through port security that quickly. And once again, it's 7:00:00.
Well, how about that? I can't say I'm surprised that the Chinese caught up to him, or that the writers saved that development for the very end. But I didn't see the boat ride coming. Nor am I particularly looking forward to recapping a Season Six in which Kiefer spends the first half of the season on a plane back to L.A. Although I suppose he might make it interesting for me by getting it into his head to steer the plane for a while and going down to the baggage compartment.
So that's a wrap. Thanks to Sarah, Wing, and Joe R, the tireless editors of these blatherings; the folks who make 24; all you readers and posters and e-mailers; M. Small for only taping over one episode the entire season; and of course my lovely and patient wife Trash. Catch you time.