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Kiefer makes the mistake of entrusting the Logan/Henderson recording to Audrey's dad, the Secretary of Defense. Who, instead of going public with it, decides to have his guys tie up Kiefer and Audrey at Van Nuys Airport so he can go confront Logan personally and demand his resignation. At CTU, Hayes and Slime trap Chloe into giving herself away, but she escapes from her holding room and manages to join Wayne Palmer at the Bill Buchanan Safe House. Logan is getting more and more twitchy, pulling rank willy-nilly as those around him become more suspicious. No one's more suspicious than the First Lady, who makes a secret appointment with Aaron to learn what he knows. At Logan's direction, Henderson arrives at Van Nuys Airport to retrieve the recording just as Kiefer and Audrey are about to escape. Henderson succeeds, but not without dealing Audrey a potentially fatal wound. With the recording secured, Logan is able to turn the tables on Secretary Heller, and fires him in front of the Vice President. But what may be most worrisome to some viewers is that Aaron is missing in action. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open with what is becoming an hourly reminder that martial law is still in effect. This one is in the form of a local TV news broadcast that Logan's watching by himself in the Not Camp David Situation Room. Logan checks his watch as the newscaster says that even though the threat is supposedly over, "the President is defending his decision as a necessary precaution." No he's not; he's just standing there. At least until his cell phone rings. It's Henderson, calling to report that Kiefer has escaped from the bank with the recording of their earlier conversation. "That evidence directly implicates me in David Palmer's death," Logan previouslys. Henderson isn't worried, though; he says that since CTU is heading up the search for Kiefer in a locked-down city, all Logan has to do when they find him is call Henderson so he can "intercept." Logan just hangs up, so abruptly that even Henderson is taken aback. And considering that nobody ever says "goodbye" on this show, that's pretty abrupt indeed. But then Logan goes to his desk phone and tells his receptionist to get him on the line with Karen Hayes at CTU.
Hayes is currently being briefed by Slime on their search for Audrey, and it's only now occurred to her that they might be wasting their time trying to find someone who won't even lead them to Kiefer. What did I say? But then Slime points out that Audrey ditched the tracker for a reason, so I have to concede a point to Slime. Alas, it won't be the last this hour. Then Logan's call comes through, and Hayes tells him that they're looking for both Kiefer and Henderson. Logan stresses the overriding need for Kiefer to be caught: "If David Palmer's killer is still at large when the morning news cycle begins, then all the success we've had at handling these terrorists will be undermined." I have to give it to Logan: the pretext he gives is consistent with what he's usually worried about. Hayes assures him that Kiefer will be found, and Logan tells her to let him know the moment that happens. And Logan has, quite cleverly, managed to combine two of his favorite activities in one call: underling-browbeating and Henderson-obeying.
At CTU, Hayes acknowledges the President's order and hangs up. Slime offers his assessment that Audrey knows where Kiefer is, but they aren't going to be able to find her in time the way they're going. And he still thinks (correctly, as we know) that Chloe helped Audrey out. He even remembers that Audrey asked for Chloe to be assigned to her and everything. Better still, he's got an idea for how to use Chloe to find Kiefer. He's really bringing his A-game this hour.
Kiefer, meanwhile, is crouched to Wayne behind his stolen police car, weapon leveled at the silver SUV that's pulling into the vacant lot he's parked in at 12:04:53. Kiefer lowers his weapon and calls out to the driver, who turns out to be Bill Buchanan. Buchanan's got one of those all-access passes on his dashboard, I notice. Still in his suit and tie, Buchanan runs over to Kiefer, who introduces him to Wayne. "Sorry about your brother," Buchanan says, shaking Wayne's hand. Now that's an expression of sympathy I can get behind. Short and non-worshipful. Kiefer explains to Buchanan that he's once again on the run for killing Palmer, which confuses Buchanan, since they cleared Kiefer that morning. So Kiefer explains that Logan is setting him up. "He was complicit in David Palmer's assassination," Kiefer says. Buchanan looks back and forth between Kiefer and Wayne for a moment before realizing, "My God, you're serious." When is he not? Wayne gets his one line of the night as he tells Buchanan that they have a recording of a call between Logan and Henderson, and Kiefer says he needs to get the recording to Secretary of Defense Heller. In the meantime, he wants Buchanan to take Wayne somewhere safe. Not a gay bar, Buchanan, you scamp. Buchanan readily agrees, and asks where Kiefer's going to meet Heller. "Van Nuys Airport," Kiefer exposits for no reason, hopping back into his police car and driving off. I have a question: is Carl the Dead Bank Manager still in the back seat? Or in the trunk? Or did they just dump him by the side of the road somewhere? Either way, his wife is so going to sue as soon as someone unties her.
It's 12:05:56 as Heller's plane, which I'm oh-so-waggishly calling Air Force Seven, taxis toward its parking spot at Van Nuys Airport. Outside the hangar at the end of the runway, Audrey's dialing a pay phone (!!) to tell Kiefer where at the airport to meet her. He says he's on his way. Boy, is he, as we will soon see. She hangs up and turns to where her dad's plane is coasting to a stop. The stairs unfold and Heller (accompanied by two Secret Service guys in neckties and windbreakers) disembarks, all in real time -- in other words, in more time than it took me to type this sentence. That's good recappin'. Audrey meets him on the tarmac, and they embrace. "Hi, sweetheart," he says. Audrey wants to be sure his security detail is loyal to him, and he starts to get annoyed with all the secrecy. But they're interrupted by the sound of Kiefer's police car roaring onto the tarmac and screeching to a stop to where Audrey parked. "I will tell you but only you," Audrey says, and Heller tells his guys to stay where they are while he walks with Audrey to the cars. She assures him that she'll tell him what's up in a minute. And his mood isn't improved when Kiefer hops out of his police car. Who did he expect, Elwood Blues? "Jack, what the hell are you doing here?" Heller demands, calling him a fugitive. Kiefer and Audrey both insist that Kiefer is innocent, but Heller isn't impressed with Kiefer's behavior. Kiefer says he's being set up, and that he wants to show Heller something privately inside the building. Heller scowls fiercely, but he and Audrey follow Kiefer into the hangar at 12:08:36. Don't ask me how he knew it was unlocked.
Without preamble, Kiefer pulls out the digital recorder and plays it back for Heller. Devane does a pretty good job of just standing there looking amazed at what he's hearing, which is, as you'll recall, proof of Logan's involvement in Palmer's death. His shocked silence continues when the recording ends, and Kiefer fills in the blanks: Logan supplied the terrorists with Sentox nerve gas, planning to release it en route to Moscow, simultaneously exposing the terrorists and providing the U.S. with a pretext to establish a military presence in Central Asia, thereby also establishing control over the region's oil. "David Palmer found out about it," Kiefer concludes. "That's why they killed him." He leaves out the fact that the writers only just decided all this about Logan an hour or so ago. Heller gives a little speech: "I wish I could say I was surprised but I'm not. I watched Charles Logan rise on the tide of his own ambition. I was terrified when he took the oath." That would explain why Heller was hiding at the time. And I'm sorry, but nobody was more terrified than Logan. "Ambition," my shiny metal ass. Kiefer explains that he needed someone with access to turn the recording over to the Attorney General. "You're the only one I could trust," he tells Heller, who reluctantly takes the little device that Kiefer's holding out to him. "All right, then," Heller says, and leaves. Well, that was almost too easy.
Alone with Audrey, Kiefer tells her to go with her dad to help corroborate the evidence; as for Kiefer himself, he's going to "go dark" and tell Buchanan what's going on. This sounds like a good plan, until Audrey jinxes it by smiling and saying, "Everything's going to be all right now," and kissing him goodbye. And that jinx takes effect rather quickly, because when she opens the door, Heller's storming back in, this time flanked by his goons. "Jack, one more thing," he says, and sucker-punches Kiefer in the throat. Kiefer goes down, gasping and choking. Wow, not bad for an old guy. Is he also the Secretary of Self-Defense? Audrey yells at her dad, who tells one of his guards to "secure" her while the other puts Kiefer in plastic handcuffs. That's no way to treat the guy who saved your life. Heller lectures Kiefer, "You're playing a dangerous game, Jack. And you're playing it wrong." And just when I was about to drink, too. Heller says that going public with Logan's misdeeds will destroy the presidency and the country. "The collateral damage of the truth will cripple this nation." Funny, I don't remember Heller talking like an op-ed columnist all the time last season. Audrey asks him if he's just going to bury the evidence, and he says that she's coming with him. "We'll use the evidence to get Logan to step down quietly. Once he's gone, we'll have a chance to set things right again." For safekeeping, he hands the recording to the guard who's holding Audrey. She says she's not going with him, but Heller doesn't care: "Secure them both until you hear from me," he tells his guards. And he heads out by himself, Audrey begging him to stop. I don't believe that a guy who spent the first quarter of last season getting kidnapped and then almost getting shot and blown up on a live webcast gets to go out alone now, martial law or not. Kiefer gets his voice back just enough to croak, "Mr. Secretary, you can't make a deal with him! You can't trust him!" Oh, whatever, Kiefer; you just met the guy for the first time this afternoon. Heller's probably been getting unfairly yelled at in Cabinet meetings for the past year and a half. I think he probably knows the President better than you do. Anyway, it's 12:11:46.
12:15:53. There's a meeting going on in the CTU Situation Room, and Chloe's not in it. We can not only see this, but hear it, as Chloe bitches at some random about how she should be in the meeting. Then the briefing lets out, and we see that one of the attendees was New Girl Shari, whom Chloe immediately buttonholes and starts grilling about what the meeting was regarding. She even tells Shari she's a bad liar for making up some innocuous cover story. Shari's like, "Maybe you were excluded for a reason, ass," which is enough for Chloe to conclude that the meeting was about Chloe. More specifically, about Chloe being under suspicion for helping Audrey. Shari chafes under the questioning, and as Chloe leans in and reminds her of her help with Slime, we see that Slime and Hayes are still in the Situation Room, listening in on the conversation. So they put a wire on Shari? Inside the building? Damn, they're sneaky. Shari tells Chloe, "Miles found Audrey...that's what the briefing was about. They sent a Tac team ten minutes ago." Chloe storms off as Shari begs her not to say it came from her. What Chloe doesn't know is that Shari's a better liar than she lets on.
Hayes and Miles are looking rather pleased with themselves, and even more so when Chloe schlumps back to her desk and picks up her phone to dial it. It's 12:17:34 as the airport pay phone to Audrey's parked car starts ringing. And Slime is busily tracing the call from his laptop in the Situation Room, taking the time to technobabble a little respect for Chloe's 733t h4x0r ski11z. Not that they're going to stop him from tracing the call. The phone keeps ringing, since there's no one there to pick it up, and Slime has time to narrow the location down not just to Van Nuys Airport, but the exact runway. Hayes is already on the phone sending out the Tac team to that location.
And for some reason that Tac team has to cross the CTU floor in full armor on its way out, because they don't have their own exit or something. In any case, they have to take this route, because Chloe has to spot them and get confused. By the way, none of those Tac team guys is Curtis, whom we haven't seen since Kiefer handed off the unconscious Bierko to him a couple of hours ago. So he either got fired with everyone else or he's hiding out to charge up his luck-batteries. Chloe hangs up her phone and goes over to Shari, wondering why she said the Tac team was sent ten minutes ago when they're clearly just leaving now. Shari just sits there catching flies, and Chloe notices that uniformed security guards are on their way across the floor to her right now. And that's when she realizes what's going on: "Miles set me up! And you helped!" she accuses. Except I'm not sure it's still "setting up" if you actually did it. Shari protests that Slime said Chloe's working against them. "Miles is an idiot!" Chloe snaps. "If anyone should know that it should be you." The guards have arrived now, and they lead Chloe away. Oh, come on, guys. Let her hang around and bitch about Slime some more.
Hayes is already on the phone with Logan with word of this latest development, reminding him that although this may be a break, they're still not sure that Audrey's helping Kiefer. "We'll find out soon enough," Logan says with uncharacteristic equanimity, and says he'll have the military follow up. Hayes is more confused than ever as she protests that she's already sent out a Tac team. "Call them back," Logan quickly orders, and goes into a convoluted yet still totally vague explanation as to how Kiefer is a "sensitive problem. There are political ramifications. I've decided to handle him directly." And then he small-talks that Hayes is probably busy with the transition to Homeland Security anyway, but she's too confused to be jollied. "I'll recall my team," is all she says, and hangs up. Clearly concerned, she relays Logan's orders to Slime. "He's the President," says Slime. "He can do what he wants." Yeah, I think that's exactly what it says in the Constitution. Well, depending on whom you ask. Hayes just looks at him like, Well, aren't you just a big, steaming pile of no help at all?
Logan is already calling Henderson. "CTU thinks they've found Bauer," he says. Henderson asks where.
Why, here! Confined to a little storage room at Van Nuys Airport, Jack and Audrey are sitting on the floor with their cuffed wrists wrapped around a support column. Audrey wonders if maybe her dad isn't right, but Kiefer scoffs: "These people brokered chemical weapons to terrorists. They've killed an ex-President of the United States. Logan's not going to make a deal with your father, and even if he did, he wouldn't keep it. Henderson wouldn't let him." He worries that Heller's just going to get himself killed. Wow, thanks, Danny Downer.
At CTU, Hayes is on the phone with Mike Novick, asking what's going on with Logan and his crazy-ass orders. Novick offers to find out, understating, "I've been on other things." Which would sort of explain why he hasn't been in the last two or three episodes. After Hayes hangs up, Novick switches channels on his phone, and now there's a Fox News broadcast on the phone's screen, with his boss speechifying up at him about the curfew. Nice phone, dude. Does it also get news channels? He snaps it shut and knocks on the closed door of the nearest office. From inside, the voice of Vice President Gardner invites him in. Novick enters at 12:20:52 just as Gardner's wrapping up a phone call. After hanging up, he tells Novick that David Palmer's body is being flown back to Washington, D.C. at 7:00 AM and that he and Logan both want to be there when the coffin is loaded onto the plane. And Gardner will probably also want to ask Wayne why he lied about the time of the flight. Novick asks Gardner if he knows about Logan's decision to call CTU off of Kiefer, and says it doesn't make sense. "Karen's teams are closer, they can do it more efficiently, and Bauer's more likely to cooperate with them than with a group of military police he doesn't know." Gardner points out that CTU is still in transition mode, but the military is already in place. Novick says the military's busy, too, and Gardner gives up: "It's the president's call. I can see it both ways." So now Gardner's suddenly all "he's the boss" about Logan? I have to say, not being a red herring anymore sure makes people a lot nicer on this show. They exchange nods, and Novick leaves the Veep to his phone call. As for Novick's phone call, it's to someone named General Warren.
Riding along in his military transport, the aforementioned General -- fully armored and helmeted, like some kind of micromanager -- takes Novick's call at 12:22:13. Novick asks how their search for Kiefer is going, and the general cheerfully responds that he has no idea what Novick's talking about, since Logan didn't assign it to them. Novick hangs up, looking more worried than ever.
And into Logan's office he goes, where he finds his boss sitting on a low couch with his head in his hands. Novick suggests Logan get some rest. Logan says that's a good idea, like we ever see him actually doing anything during the beginnings of his scenes, the ends of his scenes, or during the split-screens. The middles of his scenes must be really tiring or something. Logan asks Novick what he wants. Novick carefully says he just got off the phone with General Warren, who knows nothing about any arrest warrant for Kiefer, despite Hayes having told Novick that the military was on the case at Logan's orders. Logan's getting pretty pissy about being questioned, but Novick deferentially -- and of course there's a mighty fine line between "deferential" and "passive-aggressive" when you're addressing the President of the United States -- presses the point. Logan says he went not through General Warren, but through a "covert task force," due to the fact that Kiefer's continued existence may prove awkward for the U.S. government if the Chinese government finds out about it. Which is a good, if completely made-up, point. But Novick asks if it wouldn't have been a better idea to "keep the circle smaller" on the Kiefer thing. So Logan retreats back into defensive mode, complaining that he thinks he's done a "pretty damn good job" of dealing with the day's crises. Which isn't even very true if you don't know those crises were of Logan's own invention. Seriously, his main crisis-management act of the day was to put CTU under the control of a guy who promptly cracked and then got half the place killed. Rather than stating as much, Novick backs off. Logan gets "conciliatory" again as he announces that he will be following one of Novick's recommendations: he's going to get some [more] rest. And with that, Novick is dismissed. It's 12:25:52.
12:30:03. Chloe's stewing alone in her holding room, until Slime comes in. As he tucks the keycard he used on the door into his front suit pocket, he tells Chloe that they traced her call to Van Nuys Airport, and if Audrey is there, Chloe's in some deep shit. Chloe tries to appeal to Slime's nonexistent sense of fair play, saying there's more to the situation than he realizes. So he asks her to tell him what's going on, which I think is his actual reason for coming in here. In addition to the gloating, of course. But she simply folds her arms and refuses to share. That pisses him off, and he gets up in her face to bitch, "You think the rules don't apply to you because you're smarter than the rest of us. Well, I have news for you. They do. And you're not. I won't miss you when you're gone." He turns to leave, but Chloe runs up behind him and grabs him by the right shoulder. At the same time, she reaches around his left and snatches his keycard out of his suit pocket. He whirls to his right, snapping, "Don't touch me!" Chloe freezes, wondering if she actually got away with it. I'm wondering how she got away with it, considering the brisk whoosh that accompanied the keycard leaving his pocket, but then in real time they have to make sure it's clear what happened the first time; no slo-mo zoom-ins or "here's what really happened" flashbacks allowed. Slime asks what Chloe wants, and she says Kiefer didn't kill Palmer. But Slime is unimpressed, what with Kiefer being a federal fugitive and all. "You're going to jail, O'Brian. For a long time." Slime starts to leave again, but Chloe has one more thing to say: "I don't think you're as big a jerk as you pretend to be." Okay, now she's just fucking with him. To his credit, he knows it.
On his way out the door, Slime for some reason has to talk to the guard outside. In a separate room. So Chloe takes advantage of this incredibly convenient and timely distraction to use Slime's keycard to open the door at 12:31:46, scoop up her laptop, and leave the holding area entirely. But she doesn't get very far down the hallway before she runs into Shari, who wants to know why Chloe's out and about. Chloe says Slime let her go, and Shari walks right over to a wall phone, saying, "You're a worse liar than I am." Except Shari's a good liar, as we now know. Otherwise that would have been a good line. Chloe tries to convince her not to blow the whistle, saying she had a good reason for helping Audrey, which she can't get into right now. "I don't really think you have a choice," Shari says, so Chloe says she needs to help Kiefer prove who really killed Palmer, which she can't do from a cell. Shari tells her to tell Hayes, but Chloe says nobody will believe her without evidence. And as if to prove it, she says, "It's President Logan." Turns out she's right; Shari doesn't believe her. She reaches for the phone again, so Chloe gets personal: "Your sexual harassment charges against Miles? I know you lied." She threatens to blow the whistle on Shari, which would for some reason subject Shari to a psychological evaluation. "You won't like that, trust me," Chloe threatens, which makes it sound like she's been through a few of those herself. And that's all it takes for Shari to hang up the phone and let Chloe go. Weak. But then, it's usually a lot harder than this to blackmail someone you met three hours ago.
It's 12:33:22, and Logan is "resting" by staring out the window of his office. FLOTUS comes in, asking him to come to bed. Looks like POTUS is getting some. He promises to be there soon, and his desk phone rings just as she kisses him goodnight. She's on her way out the door, but stops when she hears the receptionist's voice on the speakerphone saying that Secretary Heller is on the line and insisting that he speak to the President immediately. Logan exchanges a look with his wife, then picks up the handset to accept the call.
Heller is driving someone's car, but not Audrey's, because her vehicle is still parked at Van Nuys Airport. Which must have the most efficient car rental counter in the state. Heller tells Logan that he wants to see him in person, and Logan is surprised to hear that Heller's in Los Angeles. Logan asks what it's about, and Heller just says, "I'll be there shortly and we can discuss it then." "I don't like your tone, James," Logan warns, as FLOTUS looks concerned. "In case you've forgotten, you're addressing the President of the United States." It's so awesome how he has to keep telling people that every ten minutes. That would be the best part about being President, you know? Heller simply answers, "I know who I'm addressing. And I think you know exactly what this is about." Heller says he'll be there in five minutes, and Logan "Fine"s and hangs up. FLOTUS asks what Heller wants, and Logan quickly makes up something about the Joint Chiefs bitching over the decision to maintain martial law. "You would think these people would show some allegiance," he whines. She leaves again, and he promises to come to bed as soon as he's done. Because that was such an attractive moment for him just now.
He waits until she's good and gone this time, then whips out his cell phone and calls Henderson. That gentleman has already assembled his third team of disposable henchmen in as many hours. It's like the fuckers come out of a vending machine. They're about to board a helicopter to take them to the airport. He tells Logan they'll be there in ten minutes, but Logan says they might not have that much time, since Heller's on his way now. "Jack got to him," Henderson quickly assesses. Logan wants to know what happens if Kiefer gave Heller the recording, and Henderson is confident that Heller doesn't have it on him. "Without it, whatever he knows, or whatever he thinks he knows, won't matter." Hey, Henderson, you ever read a political blog? Try it some time. It'll blow your mind. He's sure Kiefer still has the recording. Logan says he'll stall Heller, but he wants Henderson to call the second he's retrieved the recording. They hang up, and Henderson's team goes airborne. Let's hope he's more careful with this one. It's 12:36:17.
Commercials. Apparently UPS is using tesseracts now. Which would explain a lot.
12:40:32. FLOTUS is closing the shades in the FLOTUSuite when she looks through the window and sees Secretary Heller being led into the compound by a Secret Service detail. She thinks briefly about the possible hidden significance of this, and heads out into the hallway. Conveniently enough, Aaron is stationed out there. At a look from her, he dismisses the other agent, and FLOTUS approaches to ask why Heller's there. Aaron says he doesn't know, which is probably true in the technical sense, but FLOTUS doesn't let it drop. She gets right up to him and tries to close-talk him into spilling what he knows. Aaron glances over at Heller, waiting in the very room, and mumbles, "Not here." He tells her to meet him in a couple of minutes outside the south stable. FLOTUS ducks back into her suite, trying to pretend not to be excited at all this cloak-and-dagger crap. And failing.
Logan comes into the room where Heller is waiting, greeting him as "James." You remember that President Keeler called him "Jim," so obviously these two aren't as close. Stone-faced, Heller stands to "greet" the president. Logan dismisses the Secret Service guys, but when sticks out his hand, Heller just keeps holding his coat with both hands. He gets right to it: "I know what you did. I know what you're doing. And I'm here to put a stop to it." Logan tries to play dumb, telling Heller to be more specific, and Heller's only too happy to oblige, loud and clear: "You are responsible for the murder of David Palmer." Well, that's specific, all right. Heller says he heard the recording that proves that Henderson was working for Logan when he had Palmer killed. Trying not to give anything away, Logan asks where the recording is now. "It's in a safe place," Heller exaggerates, and says that Logan knows what he said, as does Heller. "It's burned into my memory." You can tell Devane's kind of embarrassed to have to say that. Logan starts to crack: "How dare you stand there and judge me? You have no idea until you sit in my chair." "Your chair is not a throne, Charles," Heller op-eds. Logan says he's protecting the country's interests, i.e. oil: "We'll see how you judge me when the cost of oil goes up over $100 a barrel and the people who put me in office can't afford to heat their homes or run their cars!" Heller doesn't bother pointing out that technically speaking, the people who put Logan in office got killed not long after shooting down President Keeler's plane last season. He simply grits, "And you think that justifies the blood on your hands?" Touché. Logan asks what Heller wants. Heller starts small: drop the charges against Kiefer, "and leave my daughter alone." Oh, and one other thing: he wants Logan to announce his resignation by the morning. He says Logan can blame it on stress, or whatever he wants. If that happens, "the recording will be kept under lock and key, and this will remain between us." Well, and Kiefer, and Audrey, and Henderson, and Wayne Palmer, and Chloe, and Buchanan, and New Girl Shari, and so on. Heller tells Logan to call in Gardner to receive his letter of resignation. Logan looks trapped.
It's 12:45:22 as a small SUV pulls up outside a rather hideous suburban house. The James Bond electric guitar from last week starts up again as Chloe climbs out. Where the hell did she get that car? And how is she getting past checkpoints without a pass on the dashboard? In any case, she runs up to the front door. Buchanan is inside, watching her trot up, and he opens the door before she can even knock. "Get in here," he orders, and she complies. Whoa, are we about to see a little Buchloe action? He does look almost naked without his suit coat and tie, although only his top shirt button is undone. Neither of them has talked to Kiefer or Audrey, and Chloe worries that CTU might have nabbed them. She asks to be shown to Buchanan's workstation, and he says that Homeland Security changed his access codes. Chloe's not too worried about it as she unshoulders her laptop bag and sheds her coat. "I can create a workaround," she says breezily, ignoring Buchanan's look that says, You mean do something not only incredibly illegal but also traceable to my IP address. "If CTU has Jack," she drama-queens, "it's all my fault." I don't see Wayne. He must be in bed already. Or maybe he just broke into the house door.
FLOTUS is waiting all by herself outside what I assume is Not Camp David's south stable. I can tell by the modern sculpture featuring a horse head that's attached to the end of the building. Either that or a spontaneous production of Equus is about to break out. FLOTUS gets tired of waiting and whips out her cell phone. We get a nice, clear shot of her directory, which has "Mike Novick" listed right above "Mom." Aw. But she's more interested in the number right above "Press Secretary," i.e. "Pierce, Aaron." She dials the number. And a second later, she hears another cell phone ringing nearby. She walks around the bench and picks the phone up out of the grass. Sure enough, the display on the other phone shows that a call is coming in from none other than Martha Logan. Ye gods, what happened to Aaron? We won't find out this hour. We also won't find out why FLOTUS has a cell phone with a California area code, or why it's the same number as Debbie's mom from last season. FLOTUS looks around, confused and scared. And I find myself worried about Aaron. That lipless gnome has grown on me.
In the storage room at Van Nuys Airport, Kiefer and Audrey are vainly trying to break their black plastic restraints. Then Kiefer looks up at some pipes running along the ceiling, one of which is labeled "HOT RETURN." "I can get us out of here," he whispers. I can't believe it took him this long to notice. As one of Heller's guards finishes peeking in through the small window in the door, he tells Audrey to keep a lookout. He stands up, sliding his restrained wrists up the column as he climbs up onto the pipes running along the wall. He reaches the hot ceiling pipe and presses his wrists against it, hoping to melt the plastic. And from the pained expression on his face, he's not being too cautious about protecting his wrists in the process. Dude, careful! You're probably going to need those later. Smoke pours forth, and you know Audrey has just got to be thrilled at being trapped in a small room with the smell of burning plastic and burning Kiefer. Finally the restraint snaps. Not bothering with the black plastic loop around his left wrist, which is going to make him look like he just escaped from some nihilist hospital for the rest of the season, he grabs a handy pair of cutting pliers off a workbench and frees Audrey.
Outside, the guard is just coming back for another peek inside the window. Audrey sees him and, with perfect timing, says, "Jack." Kiefer hurls the door open, throwing the guard to the floor and bashing him unconscious before taking his gun. He tells Audrey, "He's got restraints in his pocket. Secure him." And Kiefer runs off into a commercial at 12:48:12. He's going to regret leaving Audrey alone and unarmed, methinks. Unless there are a lot of restraints in that pocket, and you can put them on someone else from far away.
Commercials. Finally, Lexus has built a car that can outrun fire. That'll be handy on my morning commute. I'm always getting to my desk and fire's already there. Stupid fire.
It's 12:52:24. The other Secret Service guy on Heller's security detail -- the one Kiefer didn't knock out before the commercial break -- is just now climbing out of Air Force Seven. What he was doing in there, I have no idea. He calls his partner on his walkie-talkie, and when he gets no response, he draws his weapon and starts walking towards the hangar. But he doesn't get far before Kiefer, standing under the wing, orders, "Don't move." He gets the guy to slide his gun to Kiefer across the tarmac. Both weapons secured, Kiefer now demands the Logan recording and tells the guy to stand up. "What'd you do to my partner?" the guard asks, and all Kiefer can say is that "He's fine" before the sound of Henderson's helicopter breaks the moment. He tells the guard, "Take cover behind the wheel, now! Move!" Someone's already firing at them from the chopper, even before it's landed. So much for escaping in Air Force Seven, I guess. Kiefer takes cover behind the other wheel and returns fire as the helicopter sets down. Over the noise from the rotors, Heller's guard asks what's going on, and Kiefer yells back, "They've come for the recording. If you and I are going to get through this, we're going to have to work together!" And then he shoots the first two guys out of the helicopter with no difficulty whatsoever. Kiefer and his false modesty. The guard asks for his gun back. Kiefer hesitates, as though he didn't just suggest this very thing, but quickly returns the guard's weapon. They both start shooting back at the henchmen who are providing covering fire for Henderson's entry into the hangar. Uh-oh. Heller's guard drops under machine-gun fire, so Kiefer crawls up to him, reloads from the dead guy's ammunition, and shoots some more. So what he really meant a second ago was, "If I'm going to get through this, we're going to have to work together." By this time, all of the henchmen have taken up position to a jet fuel tanker trailer, which is incredibly stupid of them and handy for Kiefer; he simply shoots the trailer, blowing it the fuck up and roasting Henderson's guys alive. It's so hard to get good help these days. Fast and available, yes; good, not so much. Henderson's guys have the survival skills of a lemming and the aim of Elmer Fudd. Kiefer's path to the hangar is now clear, and he runs off in that direction in pursuit of Henderson. Who's probably inside asking Audrey out for coffee or something.
It's 12:54:46 as he reenters the hangar, pointing his gun in every direction and calling Audrey's name. Henderson yells, "I have her, Jack. Don't make me kill her." And indeed, Audrey has been taken hostage, and she looks quite calm despite the fact that Henderson has a gun to her head. She really did grow a backbone between seasons. I wonder if she knows that Kiefer shot Mrs. Henderson in the leg a few hours ago? Henderson is hiding with her behind a parked cherry-picker, telling Kiefer to give up the recording. From his own position behind a forklift, Kiefer tells Henderson to let her go, but Henderson refuses until he has the recording. Kiefer changes the subject and asks why Henderson is protecting Logan, and Henderson says he's protecting something bigger: "The integrity of our government." "Our government has no integrity," Kiefer yells back. "Not when someone like Charles Logan occupies the presidency." Of course, it's not like anyone's going to win the political argument, so they're at a standoff. Kiefer's temptation to risk taking a shot at that giant Robocop forehead must be powerful. Until Henderson offers, "I'll tell you what: I'll meet you halfway." Kiefer scowls and tries to come up with something tough to say in response, but all he can come with is, "What does that mean?" Heh. Henderson puts a hand over Audrey's mouth, and she finally looks scared. "Get up," he growls at her, and the two of them step into the open, Henderson behind Audrey. The closed captioning quotes Henderson as saying, "Just hold still, Ms. Raines," although I can't for the life of me hear it, and she gives a muffled moan. "Dammit, Christopher!" Kiefer yells, and Henderson says Audrey's on her way. "Walk out slowly or I'll kill you," he whispers to her. Audrey obeys, her face anguished. And then we get a close-up on her right hand, which is absolutely streaming with blood that's pouring out of the sleeve of her coat. As she walks towards Kiefer, he notices the solid red line she's leaving on the ground, and the blood saturating her coat sleeve. Now I know why they put her in off-white. She looks like the season finale of Rome right now. Henderson tells Audrey to stop where she is, and informs Kiefer that he's severed Audrey's left brachial artery, which gives her three minutes before she bleeds to death. Wow, that's cold. "Now throw me that recording," Henderson orders. Kiefer agonizes, and Audrey tells him not to do it any number of times. But he gives in and slides the recording across the floor, where it slides neatly under the cherry-picker and into Henderson's hand. Henderson stands up and fires several shots, pinning Kiefer down and drawing a startled scream from Audrey, and then he's gone.
Kiefer catches Audrey before she collapses, then lowers her to the ground, telling her to stay with him. She begs him to go after Henderson, but instead he cuts a length of hydraulic cable off a forklift and uses it as a tourniquet to tie off her slashed arm. Well, that ought to do it. "I need to move you," he tells Audrey, and heaves her up off the floor. Or at least out of the shot.
Heller places a letter of resignation on Logan's desk, saying all it needs is the President's signature. Logan let him use a computer? And Presidential stationery? Logan tries one last-ditch attempt to get out of this, saying there must be something Heller wants. "You're giving me exactly what I want," Heller says calmly. And now Vice President Gardner has joined them in the room, at 12:57:28. Gardner smiles at Heller, surprised to see him and asking what he's doing there. "I'll let President Logan tell you," Heller says. They both look at Logan expectantly. Realizing he's trapped, Logan opens his mouth to speak, but he doesn't get any further than, "Hal, I --" before his cell phone rings. Rudely, he answers it. "I've got the recording," Henderson tells him, and says he'll call back once he gets himself a ride. "Thank you," Logan says, his entire manner changing instantly. He hangs up, and Heller doesn't realize what just happened. That's why he's totally blindsided when Logan tells Gardner, "Hal, I'm asking Secretary Heller to tender his resignation and I wanted you here as a witness." Over Heller's shocked expression, Logan tells the Veep about Heller's "wild" allegations: "I don't know how he can make such an accusation without any evidence." Emphasis his. Heller angrily tells the shocked Veep that "He orchestrated a conspiracy to let terrorists acquire stolen nerve gas. He sanctioned the assassination of David Palmer! And I have the evidence." Logan asks Heller where the evidence is, and something about the way he asks it this time seems to alert Heller that the ground has shifted under him. "Who was on the phone? Who made that call?" he demands. Logan's only answer is to press a button on his desk phone and demand Heller's resignation by the morning. Heller leans across Logan's desk and threatens, "If any harm comes to my daughter --" but now the room is full of Secret Service agents. Logan must have pressed an orange button that calls them in to stand threateningly, rather than the red one that signals them to rush in with weapons drawn and wrestle everyone to the ground, because they do the former. "Escort Secretary Heller out of my home," Logan orders them. Knowing he's beaten for now, and looking none too pleased about it, Heller leaves with them. Logan turns a glare of You want some, too? on Gardner, who just stares back at him like, Dude, what the fucking fuck!?
And then the split-screen goes batshit! Logan's in the upper right corner. Kiefer's tending to Audrey in the right half. Logan is replaced by Heller leaving the premises. The bottom half is Henderson, breaking into yet another car. Audrey hollers in pain. In the bottom right, Chloe and Buchanan are making popcorn and painting each other's toenails. Extreme upper right: FLOTUS wonders what the hell happened to Aaron. Chloe and Kiefer swap windows and in the lower middle, Hayes wonders where Chloe is. Middle left: so does Slime. And then Logan's back, in the center and upper middle, looking evil. And what happens after the split-screen? Nothing. There's eight fucking windows up there; you don't come back from that, people. It's 1:00:00.