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Even though Henderson was able to make good his escape, Chloe was able to decrypt one of his files and generate a new lead: one Colette Stenger, the tall French chick who's selling schematics to Bierko. Kiefer and Curtis pay a visit to her hotel room, but all they find is her Eurotrash boyfriend, Theo -- who turns out to be from German Intelligence, working undercover to bust Colette and flush out her worldwide terrorist contacts. But if you think Theo's going to team up with Kiefer, think again. In order to get Theo to give up Colette, Kiefer has to buy him off with America's tippy-top-secret list of terrorist contacts. This deeply pisses off Homeland Security boss Karen Hayes, even as she and her slimy IT guy are busy taking over CTU. Speaking of takeovers, Vice President Gardner is smirking away over Logan's declaration of martial law. And Wayne Palmer heads for Not Camp David to make a mysterious delivery to Aaron, but a hit squad drives him off the road and forces him to flee through the night on foot. But back to Kiefer, who ends up nabbing Colette, and makes an apologetic phone call to Theo after the memory card containing that list blows up in Theo's PDA. So what vital information does Kiefer get from Colette? Well, she doesn't know where Bierko is now, she doesn't know where his target is, she doesn't even know what she sold him; all she knows is the name of the person who sold her the highly secure schematics of Bierko's primary target. That source? Audrey Raines.
BWAH! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Tony gets his own freeze frame in the previouslies this week. Enjoy it, because it's his last one.
And, as if to prove it, we open on Tony's mortal remains on the floor of the CTU clinic, his face being covered by a sheet. I hope they have a lot of sheets in this building. Kiefer stands by watching, having recovered from his crying jag in the past two minutes. Audrey comes in and expresses her sympathies, but Kiefer blows right by that and asks if Henderson has been found yet. Oh, yeah, that guy. Audrey says that Henderson managed to squeak out during the tiny window between lockdowns, take a car from the parking lot, and abandon it a block away. She doesn't say whether the car then blew up or not. But the good news is that Chloe was able to decrypt one of Henderson's computer files and find someone connected to Bierko. Audrey hands Kiefer a dossier on the tall French chick from late last hour. "Who's Collette Stenger?" Kiefer asks, and Audrey says she's an "international intelligence broker. State secrets, intellectual property." Which Audrey totally only knows from the dossier, of course. Never heard of her otherwise. She says that Interpol has records of Collette meeting with Bierko twice in the past eight months. Done! Audrey tells Kiefer that Collette's registered at an L.A. hotel, and that Curtis is prepping a tactical team to pay her a visit. Kiefer thanks Audrey and whips out his cell phone to call Curtis and invite himself along. So nobody cares that Henderson is on the loose? At the very least, Kiefer should be on the lookout for the gratuitous attempt on his own life.
Out at Not Camp David, Logan's press secretary steps up to a podium to address the reporters assembled outside in the back yard. As far as I know, it's the same ones who have been there all day. I wonder how far away they got before they had to turn around and come back? Inside the house, President Logan is pacing around and worrying about how unpopular his impending announcement is going to be, while Vice-President Gardner assures him that it's the right move. Just then, the First Lady comes in and asks to talk to her husband alone. The Veep tries to blow her off, but she insists, and Logan okays it. Bold move, Chuck, standing up to the Veep like that.
Once it's just the Logans in the room, Martha tells the President that CTU has a new lead on the nerve gas. Wow, she's in the loop, isn't she? Even CTU didn't find out about CTU's new lead until a minute ago. Of course, Martha still isn't on board with the whole martial-law thing that Logan's about to announce: "Has it ever occurred to you that he proposed this whole thing to set you up for a fall? So that he gets the nomination year?" Logan thinks not, and insists that Gardner only wants what's best for the country. Because Logan has never met another human being in his life. FLOTUS warns him of the political hits he'll take, which is his most vulnerable spot, but it's too late; the press secretary is about to announce him, and what's he going to do, go out there and ask if anyone has a birthday today? He steps outside and takes the podium as the music briefly gets all Danny Elfman with a huge, minor-key orchestral flourish and cymbal-crash. This is what the Presidency is like in a Tim Burton movie.
Logan doesn't waste time: he recaps the terrorist attacks of the day: Palmer, Ontario Airport, and Suvarov. He adds that the terrorists will strike again soon, so he's "imposing a curfew on all civilians in the Los Angeles metropolitan area. This curfew will be effective immediately and will be enforced by the military." It's a good thing the press secretary informed the press in advance that there would be no Q&A, because you know the first question on the mind of every reporter in the place is, "So, uh, does that mean I can crash here, then?"
From his bunker, Bierko is watching the announcement live on a fake cable news channel, looking mildly concerned.
Chloe and Buchanan are also watching it on the CTU big screen, as the former asks the latter for a casualty list for DoD. Buchanan says they should hold off until of kin has been notified, and for Chloe to let him know when that's done. Because they have plenty of time and staffing for that now. You can see bagged corpses being wheeled out on gurneys in the background at 8:06:25, and an even more depressing sight is that of Karen Hayes from Homeland Security. She enters the building with one of those posses that new bosses always bring with them into this place, unless they're Buchanan. Her evil IT sidekick is with her, of course, quietly bitching to his boss that they should take over the place right away. Hayes says that they still need the remaining staff, and will take full control after the canisters have been found. Because the place is going to be such a prize at that point. Buchanan meets Hayes on her way in, and she introduces her evil geek as Miles Papazian. And I know I'm not so much with the nicknames this year, but I can't resist bestowing one on Miles: It's an anagram...it's descriptive...it's accurate...it's...Slime! No one else in the entourage gets an intro, which is probably just as well. Hayes lies to Buchanan that the White House sent them over to assess how DHS can best help CTU, and Slime wordlessly hands Buchanan a folder, managing to infuse this simple action with gallons of prissy contempt. Hate. Him. "I'll brief you in my office," Buchanan says, and leads Hayes upstairs.
Left behind on the floor to do a "survey," Slime heads over to the computer where Chloe is working. "Who are you?" she asks, and he answers, "Homeland Security." "I asked you your name, not who you worked for," Chloe bitches, rather than answering, "Hi, Homeland. May I call you Homes?" Slime demands a vacant workstation, and naturally announces that since Edgar is listed as a casualty (cueing Chloe and the music to get all sad together, which is a heck of a lot more mourning than Tony's getting), Slime'll be setting up at the late big guy's desk. He tells Chloe he needs her keycard to do some technobabble, and she just snaps, "No." Slime gets all pissy with her. It's like he can't believe someone would actually say no to King Shit of Turd Mountain, and way to tip your hand there, Slime. "Oh, no, not here to take over at all. Just obey my every instruction instantly or I'll twist your fucking head off." But Chloe grudgingly hands over the keycard. Slime snits over to Edgar's desk and sits down, glaring over at Chloe the whole time like he's trying to make her head explode with his mind. Give it up, Slime. I've been trying for almost two years. ["Hey! Lay off my girlfriend! ...Or, she was, until I quit 24 this year." -- Wing Chun]
Well, Logan may not have called it martial law, but even Fox News isn't fooled: the alert at the bottom of the TV screen clearly reads "Martial law declared in greater Los Angeles." And the picture shows a bunch of Army guys in helmets and armor hanging around an armed Humvee on the freeway somewhere. Yeah, looks like martial law to me. The broadcast is being watched in the Not Camp David Situation Room by the Logans and the Veep. That is, until FLOTUS escapes, claiming that she needs some fresh air. Gardner just sort of smirks down at the conference table, satisfied that his sneaky flatulence has achieved its desired effect. FLOTUS is barely clear of the doorway when she whips out her pack of smokes. Ah, that kind of fresh air. Carry on. She hisses to the Secret Service guard stationed there -- Aaron, who else? -- that she doesn't trust the Veep. Aaron merely closes the door behind her as she walks away. And then his cell phone rings.
"Aaron, this is Wayne Palmer," says Wayne Palmer, who's calling from a cell phone as he drives a late-model sedan through the night. They commiserate briefly but sincerely over David Palmer's death, and then Wayne gets down to business: "There's something from my brother that I need to give you personally. I should be there within the hour." Aaron is surprised to hear it, especially in light of the curfew. Wayne says that he left before it was declared, so I guess he gets grandfathered in or something, and asks Aaron if they can meet privately when he arrives. Aaron agrees, and Wayne hangs up, saying that he'll call back when he's closer. Aaron's still got a bandage on his head right behind his ear, from when he got blown up a couple of hours ago. While they were giving him first aid, I wonder if he took that opportunity to have his earpiece permanently implanted?
Logan's still watching the news with his Vice-President, and now Novick as well. One phrase the commentator uses jumps out at Logan -- "The legality of President Logan's action" -- and he tells Novick to turn it off so that he can throw some stress at Gardner about the kind of talk that's going on. Gardner smirks serenely, and if you stuck a pipe in between his teeth, he would look more like Bob Dobbs than Bob Dobbs does. He assures the Prez that he's got it all under control. Novick glares suspiciously at the Veep's choice of words, and doesn't look away when Gardner glances over at him. "I've got your number, motherfucker," they say to each other non-verbally. Logan asks for an update from CTU. Novick says that they're still working on finding Bierko. "As soon as they have something to report, we'll be the first to hear," says Novick. What a bold claim, coming from somebody who's addressing the President of the United States. And also addressing Logan, for that matter.
At CTU, Buchanan is explaining to Hayes his theory that Bierko is planning a large-scale attack, and that Bierko's men gassed CTU to keep them from stopping him. This gives Hayes an opening to ask if it worked. Buchanan quickly spots this as the loaded question it is, and gets a bit defensive. Hayes asks him whether CTU is working any leads, and he tells her about the team that's already on its way to nab Collette Stenger. "Good," says Hayes. Even though she'd much rather see this place floundering so that she could swoop in and save it. Maybe later, Karen.
It's 8:11:35 as Collette slips into her fuck-me boots at her hotel room. Her naked Eurotrash boyfriend in the bed "banters" with her about getting dressed and undressed, and once again fishes for clues about the deal she's working on. She touchily says that she never talks about her business, and he says he's only asking because he wants to buy a villa with her. Aw, Eurotrash in love. Satisfied with his "innocent" inquiry, she kisses him goodbye, and reminds him to meet her at the airport in forty-five minutes. Why, that's this hour! He'd better hurry.
Out in the hallway, Collette calls Bierko to tell him she's on her way, and to confirm that she has everything he wanted. In turn, he tells her he's got her money ready to transfer to her bank account. After she hangs up, an expositional henchman at the bunker tries to talk Bierko into a different goal: "The distribution center is a difficult target," he warns. Distribution center? I have one of those at my office. It's a small room with printers and paper. But Bierko is adamant as he points at the target displayed on his screen: "Release the Sentox here and 200,000 people die." That number just keeps getting lower, doesn't it? Still, that's a higher body count than my distribution center would suffer. It's 8:13:12.
8:17:34. On the way up to his office, Buchanan does that thing where you start to take a flight of stairs two at a time, but run out of momentum two thirds of the way up and have to slow down at the top. I shouldn't mock; dude's probably in a lot better shape than I am. He's a yoga teacher, you know. Once he reaches the office, he confronts Hayes with some new information he's just gotten. I won't bore you with the details (unlike the show), but the upshot is that Buchanan has figured out that the fix is in. Hayes explains, "CTU is being absorbed by Homeland. Which means, from now on, every operational decision needs to go through me." Is that nationwide, or just in L.A.? And why am I pretending to care? Buchanan argues with Hayes to let CTU stay in the fight, but Hayes isn't budging. And she even asks Buchanan to keep it between them until the takeover is complete. She turns back to his computer, and he walks out without a word.
You think Buchanan's going down to the floor to make an announcement? Then you don't know Buchanan. In fact, when Audrey pulls him aside to ask why the DHS people are being so aggressive, Buchanan blows it off and lies that they'll be gone soon. Company man. Audrey clearly isn't buying, but lets him change the subject to the status of the martial-law declaration. She says that they've got nine of L.A.'s fifteen districts covered, and that she's working on the rest now. "I hope the President's doing the right thing," Buchanan frets. And we know he's not just talking about martial law.
At 8:19:34, Kiefer, Curtis, and a couple of plainclothes CTU guys enter Collette's hotel room. Excuse me, hotel suite -- that place is huge. They've got their guns drawn as they move about quietly, and quickly ascertain that no one is home. Looks like Boyfriend took my advice. But when CTU got the room key from the manager, did they bother to ask if Collette had checked out? Never mind. The bed's unmade, the laptop's gone, and the French doors to the giant balcony overlooking the city are open. Kiefer takes this to mean that Collette is heading for the roof -- even though I don't see a rope ladder or anything -- and dispatches Curtis to the stairs. We follow Curtis, for a change, as he leads his men up the stairwell. Up top, he sends them to one exit to the outside while he takes the other.
The doorway to outside is shot all threatening-like from Curtis's point of view, a blind alley. He steps outside, covering himself in all directions, even the roof level above the one he's just stepped out onto. Satisfied that no one's there, he lets his guard down a bit. And that's when Collette's boyfriend leaps down on him from above, knocking Curtis flat and disarming him. You'll be disappointed to know that Boyfriend is no longer naked, but wearing a flashy pinstripe suit with a black t-shirt. Even with the stubble and the longish hair, he manages not to look like Don Johnson. The British accent helps with that, too. By the time Curtis regains his feet, he's standing in the center of the rooftop helipad, and Collette's boyfriend is covering him with his own gun. "Drop the gun!" Kiefer roars, arriving on the roof behind Curtis at that moment. Boyfriend returns the sentiment, adding a threat to kill Curtis if Kiefer doesn't stand down. He's keeping Curtis between himself and Kiefer, creating a standoff. Kiefer shrugs, deciding that, for a Handsome Black Agent, Curtis has had a heck of a run anyway. No, not really. He holsters his weapon, but only because "Our people are all around you." Boyfriend wants to know whom Kiefer means by "our people," and Kiefer says that they're with CTU Los Angeles. Boyfriend wants to see identification, and it's a good thing Curtis is there, because he presents his. Boyfriend lowers the weapon and declares, "I'm with the German Federal Intelligence Service. My name's Theo Stoller." He says that he's there on special assignment, by agreement of their two governments. Aw, maybe they can team up and work together! "Now get the hell out of her before you destroy my cover," says Theo. Never mind. "That's not going to happen," Kiefer growls, and dials his phone at 8:22:42.
Kiefer gets Chloe, who quickly confirms Theo's identity on her computer. She adds that he's a German operative, trained at MI-6, which explains his British accent. That only leaves Bierko's accent unexplained at this point. Kiefer rudely cuts off Chloe mid-info-dump and hangs up, telling Theo that they need his help in finding Collette Stenger, so that they can find Bierko, the guy behind the day's attacks. Theo couldn't care less about Bierko; he's been working undercover for six months, spying on Collette. From inside and out, one assumes. He claims that her shadowy connections to terrorist cells make her "too valuable to give up." Kiefer disagrees, saying that the hundreds of thousands of lives at risk today trump Theo's operation. Theo points out that they just have different agendas, serving their own respective nations. "You're asking me to betray my duty to my country," he says. "Ask yourself what you would do in my situation." Kiefer snarls, "You'd better start asking yourself what you would do in mine." As variations on "I know you are but what am I?" go, that's a pretty good one. He grabs Theo by the arm of his suit and leads him to the stairs, despite the German's protests that "you can't touch me." "We'll see about that," Kiefer growls. It's 8:24:12. Is Curtis going to get his gun back?
8:28:35. Looks like Bierko's got a drive-in bunker, as Collette's sporty red Lexus rolls in. She disembarks, hands over a gun that she pulls out from under her skirt, and allows herself to be subjected to a rather ungentlemanly search of her person and bag before she's allowed to proceed. Oh, the trials of a chick freelance spy.
At CTU, Audrey is on the phone, apparently trying to intimidate some German apparatchik. Good luck with that. Buchanan's in the room with Hayes, on the speakerphone with Kiefer. From Collette and Theo's suite, Kiefer asks whether Logan has talked to the German Chancellor. Hayes says that the Chancellor will be incommunicado for another hour. Or, as we civilians like to call it, sleeping. Jeez, people, have a little consideration. Kiefer says that they don't have another hour (like he knows), and Hayes says that the Germans are just stalling and there's nothing they can do. Too bad Kiefer didn't bust a Chinese agent instead of a German one; I'm sure they'd be happy to help Kiefer out with just about anything. Audrey chimes in to add that German Intelligence isn't playing ball either, and that Kiefer should try to cut a deal with Theo. Kiefer says that he'll try that (and I'm thinking "Tell me where she is and I'll stop cutting you into pieces with a nail clipper" is probably Kiefer's idea of a deal, but I'll be wrong), and hangs up. He asks Curtis for a little alone time with Theo. "Jack, what are you doing?" Curtis asks in that Curtis way he has, but when Kiefer assures him that it's all right, he leaves, also in that Curtis way he has. The other agents go with him.
At 8:30:27, Kiefer fixes Theo a drink as he informs him, "Your intelligence service denied our request for cooperation. So has your government." Way to start from a position of strength, there. Theo says that he's not surprised, remarking, "There's no upside to giving [Collette] up." So Kiefer makes Theo an offer: "Our roster of all known terror suspects working around the world. Our WET list." The gap between his sock and pant-cuff making him look a bit less dashing at the moment, Theo remarks that his government's requests for that list have always been turned down: "The NSA has always said that giving us the list would jeopardize their operations," he points out. "It will," Kiefer readily agrees. "I don't work for the NSA. I don't work for CTU. This is personal." It's so handy this season how Kiefer only works for CTU when he wants to. Instead of wondering how Kiefer's going to get a hold of the WET list as a private citizen, Theo agrees to the deal. Before Kiefer dials his cell phone to make it happen, Theo warns Kiefer that he already knows several names on the list, so he'll know if they try to pass him a fake. I wouldn't worry, Theo. Kiefer would never try to screw you like that.
Kiefer gets Chloe on the phone and asks her to download the WET list from the NSA server and send it to his PDA, ASAP, on the QT. Chloe says that's going to be a little tricky, what with a guy from DHS having ganked her keycard, but Kiefer tells her that this is the only way they're going to get to Bierko. She hangs up even more grumpily than usual, and glares over to where Slime is sitting at Edgar's computer, completely oblivious. But still irritating. Chloe watches as someone brings Slime a cup of coffee, and gets an idea. What you're about to see is why you should never make other people get your coffee, no matter how important you think you are.
It's 8:32:33 as Chloe goes over to Slime all innocent-like, saying, "Excuse me, Miles," and brushing his coffee cup right off the desk and into his lap. Slime leaps up like a scalded cat, if all cats were assholes, and demands in an angry-mom-in-church voice, "What's wrong with you?" Chloe fake-apologizes as Slime hurries off to the bathroom, removing his jacket and tie as he goes. He's not even out of sight before Chloe takes her keycard out of Slime's portable cardreader, sticks it into the built-in slot under Edgar's desk, and logs right onto the NSA server. She picks up the phone and calls Kiefer as she does so, and it's less than a minute before the list is uploaded to his PDA. "I hope you know what you're doing," Chloe grumbles before hanging up. Since when did she start wondering?
Back at the suite, Kiefer opens up the WET list on his PDA and tells Theo, "I got it." Is that list not very long?
Chloe shuts down the window with the NSA info and returns her keycard to where she found it. She's just walking away when Slime comes back, his dress shirt open and his t-shirt untucked. Yeah, baby! Work it! He wipes down Edgar's chair with a paper towel before sitting down, as well as a spot on the desk. And that reminds him to check that Chloe's keycard is still in his portable cardreader. It is, but he doesn't exactly look relieved. He also doesn't ask what Chloe wanted from him in the first place. And is he going to get a fresh cup of coffee or what?
Theo is satisfied that the WET list Kiefer gave him is the real deal. Kiefer asks for the memory card back, saying that Theo can't send it to his people until Collette's in custody. Also, Kiefer has a prodigious amount of tall-girl porn on the card that he needs to upload to the CTU servers so that he doesn't lose it. Theo considers this, and then says, "Fair enough" and hands the card back. Sucker. He tells Kiefer that he's supposed to meet Collette at Van Nuys airport in under twenty minutes. Kiefer pops a fresh earpiece in, and the whole gang is on its way at 8:34:53.
Collette's in Bierko's inner sanctum, on the phone with her banker, who's ready to accept the transfer. Without hanging up, she hands Bierko a little flash drive the size of a finger. Bierko passes it to his computer guy, who fails to crack me up by asking, "You don't have a CD or a floppy, by chance?" The drive plugs right in, but the files are encrypted. Bierko asks for the decryption key, but Collette tells him to transfer the funds first. Bierko nods, and the computer moves a bunch of money somewhere. It's as thrilling as it sounds. Collette's banker notes this in real time, so once she hangs up, she checks a spare laptop and gets confirmation that $10 million has just been transferred to her account. Not a bad night's work, even though I would have charged $10,000,039.99 to cover the cost of the flash drive. Satisfied, Collette gives up the encryption code: CA39A. Oh, come on, who names their dog that? But it works, and the schematic pops up on the screen bright and clear. And Collette walks right on out of there, Bierko smirking imperceptibly at what a saucy broad she is. Please don't bother wondering why Collette got $10 million and McGill's sister and her Loser Boyfriend got bullets in their heads, because you'll just give yourself a headache. Alone with his tech guy, Bierko orders, "Torch this place. We're moving out." And I'm thinking that here is where Bierko's plan might hit its first major snag, when his guys get bogged down for four or five hours trying to get concrete to burn. It's 8:38:28.
8:40:54. The Veep is in a private office, intimidating the governor of California. Of course, he's only talking on the phone, and we can't hear the other end of the conversation, but it's still hilarious. Just imagine a deep voice with an Austrian accent meekly saying, "Yes, Mistuh Vice-Pwesident." As the Veep finally gets his way and then acts all smarmy about it, an aide knocks on the door and says that Wayne Palmer is trying to get through one of the local roadblocks on his way to Not Camp David. So much for keeping his meeting with Aaron secret. "What should I tell the roadblock, sir?" the aide asks. Gardner has himself a good think, and you can totally see the gears in Ray Wise's head turning as he muses, "What the hell is my agenda re Wayne, anyway? Nobody's told me that yet."
Wayne is pulled over in his car, grumpily telling a roadblock guy to call ahead for him and get clearance. But the Captain is going on about chain of command, so Wayne demands to know "who's in charge of the military's role in this?" Just then, the Army captain's cell phone rings, and he waves Wayne through. Wayne swallows the head of righteously angry steam he's built up and drives on at 8:42:20. Too bad he didn't get to find out that the Vice-President has appointed himself Commander-in-Chief.
Van Nuys airport. Theo is sitting behind the wheel of his car in the parking lot, Kiefer lying down out of sight in the back seat. Theo manages to resist the powerful telepathic waves from viewers trying to convince him to climb into the rear. So to speak. Curtis and his guys are setting up in one of the airport hangars, and Kiefer reminds everyone not to move in until he confirms Collette's identity. Theo says that's a good idea, given Collette's cautious nature. "What'll happen to her?" he asks Kiefer, who says he doesn't know yet, and naïvely wonders why Theo's asking. Instead of answering, Theo asks Kiefer whether he's been in his situation: undercover for long periods and involved with a woman during that time. Wait, there's another kind of being undercover? Because I thought that's why they called it that. Kiefer looks a bit disarmed as he tries to remember Clowdy-ah's name. "There's no question we're doing what has to be done for our countries," Theo says. "But sometimes it's harder than others." And that's why international spies now get a cyanide pill and Viagra.
Back at CTU, Buchanan calls Chloe into an impromptu little meeting in the Situation Room. Alarm bells go off in her head as she sees that the only people there are herself, Buchanan, Hayes, and, darting in behind her, Slime. He's once again all dressed up with nowhere to go but my last nerve. Hayes and Slime accuse Chloe of having downloaded something and sent it to Kiefer's PDA, like, way to cover your tracks there, lady. She starts to play dumb, but Buchanan warns her not to make him call NSA and have them run a backtrace. So Chloe rolls over and says that she gave Kiefer the WET list. "What?!" Hayes wails in shock. "No, WET, it's entirely different," Chloe doesn't say. Instead, she tells her shocked superiors that they needed it to get to Collette Stenger. Everyone in the room is mad at Chloe, yelling at her until she defensively says, "Jack needed it, okay?" Buchanan yells back that it's not okay, and Hayes takes this moment to pounce on him: "And you expected us to give your agents a chance?" Buchanan shuts the hell up as Hayes snaps, "Get me Bauer."
Kiefer's cell phone rings, and Theo rather snippily says, "Put it on speakerphone or I'm getting out of this car." Kiefer makes a "be cool" gesture and obeys. My phone has no speaker feature, which is why I'm not a world-saving super-agent. But at least I like to think I'd have the presence of mind to tell Theo, "Leave the keys." Buchanan's voice comes out over Kiefer's phone, telling him to get away from Theo and find a private place to talk. Kiefer says that he can't, what with being in the middle of an operation and all. Hayes grills him as to the status of the WET list and, upon learning that Theo hasn't passed it on, orders Kiefer to get it back. Before Theo can do anything like run away or steal the list, Kiefer draws his gun on him and refuses. Hayes tries again to order Kiefer to get the WET list back, and Kiefer explains why he needed to hand it over in the first place: "If you blow this operation, you will be responsible for every life lost in this attack." They argue some more, and it goes on approximately forever, and Kiefer's voice is rising, which makes this whole thing seem a lot less sneaky. Hayes says that this isn't their call, and that she needs authorization from the President. "Then get it!" Kiefer snaps. But it's too late, because Curtis comms that Collette's car is circling the parking lot as they speak. Kiefer lays it out for Hayes: "Are you telling me that I have to abort this operation, yes or no?" Hayes angrily gives him the go-ahead, threatening repercussions after this is over. "Fine," Kiefer says, and hangs up, showing all the worry and trepidation at Hayes's threat that you would expect from a guy that the White House once ordered killed. To Theo, Kiefer says, "Are we all right?" "We're fine," Theo calmly assures him. The forum posters agree.
It's 8:46:45 when the ColletteMobile finishes circling the parking lot and parks across the aisle from Theo and Kiefer. Kiefer tells Theo to move the rearview mirror so that Kiefer can see the ColletteMobile from where he is, and instructs, "Now get her out of the car." Without a word, Theo gets out of his car and goes to Collette. She hops out of her car, lets her hair down, and they mack. I just realized that my wife Trash probably wouldn't let me be a world-saving super-agent, speakerphone or no.
Kiefer watches this for just a split-second longer than necessary and gives the order for everyone to move in. He hops out of Theo's car and roars at Collette to put her hands up. Collette, not realizing how screwed she is -- like, how could she miss seeing what car Kiefer got out of? -- tells Theo to get in her car, and it's kind of sweet how she still doesn't get it. And then she realizes that Theo's holding onto her so she can't move. Curtis and the other agents surround them, weapons drawn. Kiefer tells Theo to back away, and Theo mumbles an apology to Collette before complying. "Theo, who are you?" she asks, stricken. If there were any chance of his playing this off at some future date, Kiefer quickly wrecks that by hollering at his men, "Let him go! He's given us what we want!" Collette is safely nabbed as Theo gets in his car and drives away to the strains of what sounds like an amped-up version of "Possession" by Sarah MacLachlan. It's a tad incongruous. Kiefer frisks Collette, taking his sweet time getting her gun from under her skirt. Although he doesn't fish around in there for a backup, at least. Once that's done, Kiefer twists Collette's arm behind her back and demands Bierko's whereabouts. She's not talking, of course, so Kiefer orders her taken back to the staging area in the hangar. He also tells some agents to search her car and bring any finds back to the staging area. It's 8:48:37.
Theo drives along, telling someone at his office that he's about to upload something very valuable. Without pulling over, he pops the memory card with the WET list into his PDA. I don't know when he got the card back from Kiefer, but here it is, and he sets the PDA down on the shotgun seat to send off the file. But all that's coming out of that memory card now is a shower of sparks and smoke. The PDA screen goes blank, and Theo looks pissed. Kiefer, you sneaky bastard. Just then, Theo's phone rings. It's Kiefer, calling to apologize for screwing him. Well, at least he's timely. But I hope he doesn't think this gets him out of sending a nice card. Kiefer tells Theo, "When this is over, I promise you, I will help you rebuild your investigation. I give you my word." But who's going to help Theo rebuild his PDA? "I had your word," Theo says. "Now I know what it's worth." Disgustedly, he hangs up and throws his phone down. Kiefer closes his own phone, looking a lot more guilty about screwing over a fellow spy than he ever did about torturing an innocent person. It's 8:49:52.
8:54:14. Collette is handcuffed to the luggage cage inside the hangar that CTU has commandeered as its command post. They've been busy during the commercial break; they've learned that her computer is clean. (I said "busy," not "productive.") So since they aren't going to learn anything digitally, Kiefer decides to talk to Collette himself. She asks who Theo is for real, and Kiefer tells her, "German Intelligence." He doesn't mention that Theo isn't feeling so intelligent right about now. Neither is she, of course. She feels sorry for herself about Theo for a minute, until Kiefer gets right in her face and says, faux-patiently, "Bierko." She asks for a minute alone with Kiefer, who tells Curtis it's all right. For the second time this hour, Curtis leaves with his men, wondering why he always has to miss all the cool stuff.
Once they're alone, Collette asks Kiefer his price. "I'm not for sale," he boasts, but she says that everyone has a price. Kiefer doesn't have time for her crap, and asks what she wants. The answer, as it always is in these situations: immunity. The specifics this time: wants an agreement signed by the President and faxed to her lawyers in Zurich and Tripoli, who apparently get up very early. "But I can't tell you where Bierko is," she warns. "He's already gone." Kiefer asks what she sold to Bierko, and she claims not to know, nor does she want to know. All she can tell him is that she got the encrypted schematics from a source. "That source can tell you what they mean," she says. "Give me immunity and I'll give you my source." "You haven't offered us very much," Kiefer sneers, but he says that he'll see what he can do. He steps away to make a call on his cell phone at 8:56:32.
Kiefer's call goes right through to the CTU Situation Room, where Buchanan is still hanging out with Hayes and Slime. Kiefer relays Collette's story and her terms, and admits that her claim of ignorance about the content of the schematics is plausible. But since she said that Bierko's already on his way to carry out the attack, they don't have much time. Hayes jumps up from the table and dispatches Slime to call Novick to put the deal in motion. "This better work," she warns Kiefer, adding that there'll be fallout on the WET list. Kiefer tells her that it's Theo who's going to be feeling the fallout; he programmed the memory card to self-destruct. Okay, (a) when? (b) you can do that? (c) Kiefer can do that? (d) can all spies do that? and (e) if so, why didn't stupid Theo see it coming? In that relieved-yet-frustrated way that anyone who's ever had a mom knows, Hayes asks why Kiefer didn't tell her that before. "I told you, I was in the car with [Theo]," he says, and tells her to snap it up already. Presidential immunity agreements don't just appear, you know.
At CTU, Buchanan disconnects the call and tells Hayes that this is proof that CTU is still doing its job. Hayes isn't all that impressed yet: "We're giving a free pass to a terrorist collaborator, and I've yet to see what we're getting from it." Well, yeah, that's how it works.
Wayne Palmer is still driving the WayneMobile towards Not Camp David. He should have left from CTU; it would have been a lot faster. His is the only vehicle on the road -- that is, until a van pulls out from the bushes at 8:57:52 and falls in behind him. Wayne notices in his rearview mirror, and guns his engine. But the van not only keeps up, it closes the distance and pulls up to him. Maybe they just want to talk? No, that theory goes out the window when the van's side door slides open, revealing a guy with a rifle. Instead of opening a dialogue, he opens fire. He takes out Wayne's left front tire with one shot, and sends the car careening over the embankment, where it rolls over onto its roof. It's barely stopped when the van whips a bootlegger's turn and heads back to where Wayne jumped the ditch. And then at least four guys with machine guns and ski masks hop out. I'm pretty sure they're not Secret Service. Out of sight from the road, Wayne crawls out of his inverted car, briefly selling a bloody injury to his left hand before getting up and fleeing through a culvert. Let's hope he finds Aaron very quickly indeed.
And then it's splitscreen time. Buchanan stands there staring. Hayes gives orders to Slime and another underling. Buchanan stares. The hit squad finds Wayne's overturned car. Buchanan stares. Logan also stares, apparently having just rubber-stamped yet another immunity agreement. Aaron checks his watch nervously. Buchanan finally stops staring, to be replaced by Bierko and his men as they ride through the city in some mysterious conveyance, completely unaware that they just wasted ten million bucks. And Theo is probably wondering whether getting fired as a German spy sets him up for a juicy role as season's evil mastermind. Or maybe even later tonight's evil mastermind.
At the airport, Collette's on the phone with her lawyers, confirming that the immunity agreement is airtight. And fast, too. Damn! These things come through quicker every time. They must have a stack of blank immunity forms by the Presidential fax machine, right to the cover sheets. She gets off the phone and immediately starts spilling to Kiefer. And with less than a minute left, it had better be good. She first gives him the address of Bierko's bunker, and says that her source for the schematics was a contact at the Department of Defense. And here's where everyone but Kiefer gets it. One step behind the viewing audience, he asks Collette, "What's his name?" And the answer is, of course, Audrey Raines. Kiefer immediately slams Collette against the wall and furiously says that she's lying. Surprised but not intimidated, Collette tells him, "She sold me the information, Mr. Bauer. Apparently she had a price." Kiefer orders the agents to take her away. He stands there thinking, reevaluating, reconsidering all the times they spent together, working side by side, dating, sleeping together, hanging out in her apartment with her cats Fluffy and CA39A. And then the left half of the screen shows Audrey, with absolutely no idea of the shitstorm that's about to befall her.