Out of Time

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That stolen nuclear missile is probably going to be in the air for a few more hours, so we have plenty of time for the following: ImhoTerror has turned out to have at least one more escape in him after all. After he gets away FOR THE FIFTH TIME TODAY, the best lead CTU has is a record of a call to his cell phone from -- you guessed it -- DiCK. CTU hauls in DaD's son for another round of questioning, but even with the return of DaD himself, they don't find out much from him aside from the fact that he…um…likes boys. And that call to ImhoTerror was made by the female accomplice of a mystery guy with whom DiCK was having sex at the time. And you'll never guess who that female accomplice is, unless you guessed Naked Mandy, which of course you did. Palmer does what he does best, namely, lets himself get distracted from the main problem by an internal threat to presidential authority. But this time it's on the Veep's behalf, and he handles the situation rather efficiently, so it's okay. Soul Patch and Bitchelle call down the mother of all jinxes on themselves when they finally make up and agree to leave the counterterrorism racket together. So of course he ends up going out into the field with Kiefer and getting taken hostage by Naked Mandy. You suppose Bitchelle will commit treason to save his life? I think that would be only fair. Want more? The full recap starts right below!

Previously on 24: The Veep got pissed at Palmer for ordering an attack on the Chinese Consulate in Los Angeles. Not that that will matter this hour. In fact, while recording the show, I accidentally hit the channel button instead of the volume button on my remote, and I ended up taping a couple of seconds of Girlfriends that were equally relevant to this episode. Dr. Besson takes us through a temporal wormhole with a moment from last week's episode that might as well have been part of that episode's previouslies. DoDder was pissed at Kiefer, but Lee directed Kiefer to ImhoTerror's latest hideout. Kiefer actually caught his quarry, but not in time to prevent the launch of the missile with its stolen nuclear warhead. The following takes place between 4:00 AM and 5:00 AM.

Kiefer and Curtis are still hunched over ImhoTerror's laptop. Over their earpieces, they learn from Soul Patch that CTU's efforts to locate the missile are thus far unsuccessful. Because a one-ton, flaming-hot cylinder of metal leaving a trail of fire over central Iowa at six hundred miles an hour before dawn during a nationwide air travel ban really blends in. Kiefer says he's going to have the building scanned for more clues, and then he's bringing ImhoTerror in to CTU.

Buchanan sums up the whole season in one word: "Unbelievable." Oh, wait, he's talking about the fact that ImhoTerror's people have a missile. Bitchelle has already recognized the missile from the webcam shot: "S-series cruise missile. Stealth technology. They must have smuggled it in piece by piece and assembled it on site." That's the problem with stealth technology: it's so easy to smuggle. You can walk right through airport security with a B-2 in your carry-on and nobody will have any idea. Lucky for the terrorists, because before they stole the football, they had no idea where in the country their warhead was going to come from. So in order to make sure they had a missile within practical a distance from a stealable warhead, they had to have smuggled in a couple hundred of those babies. Wonder where the rest of them are? Buchanan realizes that the missile's stealth technology means it won't be trackable on radar. Bitchelle has Skip show us all a handy graphic demonstrating that the missile's range of 1,800 miles puts every point in the continental United States within its reach. Soul Patch points out that the missile's speed of 600 mph means that it could hit either coast by the end of the season finale. Are we done with math for a while now? Buchanan says that assumes the missile is headed for a coast; otherwise it could strike at any time. Although why anyone would bother nuking us flyoverlanders is beyond me.

Curtis hasn't found any files on ImhoTerror's laptop, since ImhoTerror was only using it to decode the microwave uplink. So pretty much all they have to go by is what's on ImhoTerror's cell phone, whose contents Kiefer tells Curtis to beam over to CTU. Nice of them to remember that a cell phone can be a viable source of clues again, now that we've only got three hours left in the season. Kiefer's own cell phone rings. It's the Veep, calling from the White House Bunker with Palmer and Poor Man's Hume Cronyn. Kiefer confirms that the missile has been launched, although they haven't yet been able to determine its location or trajectory. Palmer asks if Kiefer will be able to break ImhoTerror. Kiefer's doubtful. Palmer hand-washes, "I know you'll do your best. Keep me posted." Kiefer agrees and hangs up.

Palmer wants the Joint Chiefs notified, but no one else outside the "intelligence community" is to know. Which means that everyone in the Undal Office has to instantly forget. PMHC says they have to assume that the nuke's target is Washington, D.C. He wants to "establish continuity of government" and start an evacuation of government personnel from the city. Palmer agrees, telling PMHC to invite the Cabinet and the Speaker of the House down to the Bunker, and the rest of Congress and the Pentagon to the "mountain safety facility." I hope that's something they made up for this show, or the legislative branch is in for a long ride to Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado. ["I assumed they were referring to Mount Weather, which I didn't know was still in play. The Soviets knew about it before most Americans did, which sort of obviated the point. You can read more about it in this book." -- Sars] Also, the Senate Majority Leader's gonna be pissed. PMHC runs off to comply, but before he does, Palmer tells him to say nothing more than that it's a "category one emergency." Once the prezzes are alone, the Veep says he wants to start evacuating the cities. "Let's see what Kiefer comes up with first," Palmer says. The Veep doesn't disagree, even though Palmer doesn't explain his reasons for waiting. At least not before the scene ends.

Kiefer and Curtis have a brief conference wherein they agree that ImhoTerror will "die before he talks to us." You think? Kiefer approaches his prisoner, who is dealing much better with the bullet wound in his arm than TerrorMom did. In fact, the only concession to the fact that he was shot a few minutes ago is a sheen of sweat on his motionless face. Which brings up a related subject. I realize it's been a while since I explained ImhoTerror's nickname, if I ever did at all, and I've gotten a few questions about it. In case you're still confused, it's a reference to the fact that the actor, Arnold Vosloo, is famous for having played the High Priest Imhotep in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. And then this week I got this awesome email from a reader who asked if the nickname was based on a well-known message board acronym and if his expressionlessness had inspired me to give him a nickname that meant, "In my humble opinion, Terror." Which is even better, if you ask me.

Anyway. Kiefer opens negotiations with this charmer: "You and I both know all I want to do right now is kill you." But instead of doing so he says, "You win. I've been instructed to ask you what you want." Wait, no he hasn't. Palmer just told him to "do your best." But I guess that one of the many advantages of being Kiefer is that you can interpret your orders pretty broadly. ImhoTerror says that what he wants is already happening. Kiefer snarks, "The death and destruction of innocent life is a means to an end. Why don't we just skip to the end?" "The end?" ImhoTerror asks. He seems genuinely confused. And I can't blame him. Ends don't really seem to be his thing. This is a guy who crashed a train so he could steal a briefcase so he could kidnap and try the Secretary of Defense live on the internet so he could melt down 104 nuclear reactors so he could steal a stealth bomber so he could shoot down Air Force One so he could steal the nuclear Football so he could steal a nuclear warhead so he could launch it on a missile so he can do God knows what . At this point I wouldn't be surprised if his whole master plan turned out to be a mere setup for whatever he's got planned for Season Five. Kiefer says that ImhoTerror did everything he did today for a reason: "What do you want to change?" ImhoTerror says, "I have no interest in having a political discussion with you." Burn! Kiefer says he has the ear of the President, and that ImhoTerror can make any kind of deal he wants. "Right here, right now, you have the chance to get what you want." He makes a persuasive case, but ImhoTerror says he already has: "After this day, every elected official and citizen of America will know that America can not intervene in our lives, in our countries, with impunity." Yeah, because 9/11 made us all kinds of isolationist, didn't it? "Besides," ImhoTerror continues, "your president sees me in only one dimension. Evil." "As you see us," Kiefer says with eyebrows arched. "Yes," says ImhoTerror. "And vulnerable." See, they don't disagree on everything. They kiss. Not really.

Lispy Skip's already running through ImhoTerror's cell phone records at 4:06:22. Just as Potato Face is tromping by, he flags her down to tell her that one of the people who recently called ImhoTerror was none other than one of our favorite dropped plot lines, DiCK. Remember, the Secretary of Defense's son who got tortured for three hours and never spilled anything useful? Potato Face asks who else Skip has told. He glances over at DoDder, who's still working obliviously through the pain, and says that so far Potato Face is the only other person who knows. She goes off to tell Buchanan.

Buchanan and Soul Patch are in the conference room, fretting over a map of the continental U.S. with an expanding target ring superimposed on it. Yeah, I think we can assume that whatever differences they had before are all Soul Patched up. Potato Face comes in and breaks the news about DiCK. Buchanan and Soul Patch exchange a significant look, as if they were even here when DiCK was being tortured on the premises earlier this season. Soul Patch makes the leap that that's how ImhoTerror knew that DaD would be at DiCK's house during the season premiere. Potato Face seems doubtful that DiCK participated in the planning of his own father's kidnapping, because, I don't know, someone has to. Buchanan asks where DiCK is now. She says she figures he's at home, asleep. "Where does he live?" Buchanan asks patiently. Potato Face says Van Nuys. Okay, I can work with that. While she checks the product-placed Crisco IP phone to see if any CTU teams are anywhere near Casa DiCK, Soul Patch glances out through the glass wall at DoDder, who's still out on the floor and ignorant of this latest development in her day from hell. Upon learning that CTU teams are near Casa DiCK, Buchanan has Potato Face dispatch them there and says he'll notify DaD. After Buchanan leaves, Soul Patch asks Potato Face whether DoDder knows yet. "No, it's more of a management conversation, don't you think?" she drones at him. Soul Patch gives her a dirty look and leaves her to her task at 4:07:54.

Out on the floor, he pulls DoDder aside and tells her about the call that ImhoTerror received from the DiCKline. DoDder's skeptical, but Soul Patch tells him that DiCK's cell phone number got pulled off of ImhoTerror's phone. She seems to realize the gravity of the situation. "Does my father know about this?" she asks. Soul Patch tells her that Buchanan's making that call now, says he's sorry, and leaves her standing there.

At ImhoTerror's abandoned factory, Curtis, Kiefer, and the other agents are packing up to leave. Curtis gets off the phone with the Exposition Call Center in Bangalore and relays the news about DiCK. Kiefer is of course keen to get ImhoTerror back to CTU and question DiCK himself. "It doesn't matter where you take me," ImhoTerror grumbles at Kiefer as the other agents frog-march him towards the exit. "Yeah, we'll see about that," Kiefer says to himself. It's 4:09:24 as ImhoTerror and his escort of two agents step out into the alley. Kiefer isn't far behind, but he slows down a bit when Buchanan calls him on his cell phone to ask whether he got anything from ImhoTerror. Kiefer has to say no, but he's bringing his prisoner in to CTU. "We're about ten minutes out," he says. ImhoTerror is getting loaded into a CTUmobile as Kiefer speaks, and I recall the moment from this week's promo that shows a CTUmobile getting hit by a rocket-powered grenade, thinking that ImhoTerror's about to get blowed up by his own guys. And indeed, that RPG streaks right behind Kiefer and blows an SUV sky-high. Boom! Except we know that it's not the one ImhoTerror was in, because we can see him smirking at its yellow glow from the back of another, not-at-all-blowed-up CTUmobile.

The thing that happens is that machine-gun fire takes down the two ImhoTerror-wranglers before they can even draw their weapons, let alone get in the car. Two other agents go down in the alley near Curtis under a withering deluge from a couple of bullet hoses at the end of the block. The gunfire also pins Kiefer and Curtis down on opposite sides of the alley. I can't believe Curtis is still alive. At this point, he's on track to make up for every other Handsome Black Agent who's ever been on this show. It's actually kind of funny, because big, strapping Curtis is all squished down behind a couple of barrels, while little bitty Kiefer has a nice, large Dumpster to protect him. While they're thus occupied, a bearded minion scampers up to the CTUmobile containing ImhoTerror and hops behind the wheel. Curtis and Kiefer hop up and take out the shooters at the far end of the alley, who are positioned on the neighboring rooftop despite the fact that that RPG (the only one they had, obviously) flew straight and level to its target. But by the time our heroes have accomplished that, the stolen CTUmobile is already peeling out. Kiefer yells at Curtis, "Notify the perimeter we no longer have ImhoTerror in custody!" Curtis hollers into his communicator. Kiefer reloads, runs after the CTUmobile, and empties his pistol at it. To no avail, of course. It's 4:10:34. Don't beat yourself up, Kiefer. You had him for almost fifteen minutes there. That's a record!

4:15:02. The blowed-up CTUmobile burns merrily while Kiefer squats miserably nearby; Palmer and the Veep study a 24-verse electoral map whose red-blue divide runs roughly along the Mississippi; and Potato Face glares at her monitor. She's going to void the warranty if she keeps doing that. Buchanan comes up to her to ask what's up with ImhoTerror. She says the perimeter teams caught him. HA HA HA! Obviously, I kid. Potato Face really says that ImhoTerror has already ditched the stolen CTUmobile and there's no sign of him on satellite. Buchanan wants to know how the terrorists got into the area in the first place. Potato Face figures they were there all along. I don't know why that has to be the case, unless CTU's perimeter guys are a whole lot better at keeping people out than they are at keeping ImhoTerror in. Buchanan tells her to shift all personnel to searching for the missile. Good plan. It's about time they figured out that looking for ImhoTerror is futile, even when they find him.

Soul Patch has to relay the bad news about ImhoTerror's escape to Kiefer via cell phone. Kiefer wastes time asking how ImhoTerror got away. Same as always, Kiefer: because that's what happens. Might as well ask why the sun's coming up in a few hours. Let's just move on. Kiefer asks how Buchanan wants to handle it. Hearing the question on the speaker phone, Buchanan pipes up, "Finding ImhoTerror is becoming less likely." Not to mention less useful. "With that missile in the air we have to follow primary leads only. Right now, that's DiCK." What an appropriate nickname. What do they have to go on? Dick, that's what. Kiefer says he wants to interrogate DiCK himself, and he's on his way in. He hangs up, and he and Curtis head over to the one remaining CTUmobile and drive off. How are the other surviving agents going to get home now?

The Veep steps out of the Undal Office into the outer lobby, where, since the act-in splitscreen, the entire Cabinet and other officials have been assembled. If there are any gory Igloo coolers in the room containing the sloppy remains of whatever Cabinet members were spatulaed out of the wreckage of Air Force One, they're tastefully kept out of the shot. Which is good, because I'm all about tasteful. The bigwigs in the room are all fully and professionally dressed, which seemed weird to me until I realized it's after 7:00 AM D.C. time. And if The West Wing is anything to go by, it's probably a couple of hours into these people's workdays. The Veep first apologizes for the abruptness of their removal. Which, considering he just gave the order to get them here about ten minutes ago, must have been pretty fucking abrupt indeed. Like, transporter abrupt. He cuts to the chase: "A cruise missile containing a nuclear warhead has been launched and is now headed for, we believe, a major U.S. city. Possibly Washington, D.C." He says they're trying to track it now. A sourpussed man interrupts to express surprise that neither the missile's target nor its location are currently known. The Veep confirms it. "When are you planning to inform the public?" asks Sourpuss. The Veep says, "We feel that informing the public wouldn't be in the best interest of the country." "We, meaning who?" Sourpuss persists. "I feel that way, Mr. Speaker." says the Veep, trying and failing not to look busted. The Speaker of the House apparently also wants to be the Speaker of the Bunker, but the Veep says that's all for now. He excuses himself.

But outside the door to the Undal Office, the Speaker accosts the Veep one-on-one with his concern that the Veep is making a mistake by not informing the public. The Veep says he's "thought a lot about this, and…I'm certain it's the right course." "If I may say so, sir, you do not seem certain," says the Never Fucking Shutter-Upper of the House. The Veep blows him off and ducks into the Undal Office. Shut down but still congenitally unable to take a hint, the Speaker then approaches Poor Man's Hume Cronyn and throws stress at him about how the Veep needs all the help he can get, having just been sworn in a few hours ago. PMHC assures the Speaker that the Veep is seeking advice from everywhere. "Not from his Cabinet, or the Congressional leadership," the Speaker complains. "Give it time," PMHC says, which is probably the worst thing you could say to an already prickly Speaker of the House who just found out a minute ago that a nuclear missile is on its way to a domestic target. But the Speaker finally puts a sock in it and watches in puzzlement as PMHC enters the Undal Office to confer with the Veep and…Palmer. The Undal Office has glass doors, you'll recall. Someone might want to look into that, if you'll pardon the expression.

4:18:32. Soul Patch joins Bitchelle in the BitchelleHole. They discuss how Curtis and Kiefer are on their way back, and CTU agents are tossing DiCK's house as they speak. Bitchelle says they'll have to tell DoDder that Kiefer's going to be interrogating her brother. Soul Patch and I are sure DoDder will be all over that. Bitchelle says it can't be helped. Soul Patch again expresses his amazement at Kiefer and DoDder's abruptly shitty relationship: "Now he's responsible for her husband's death and he may have to torture her brother." Bitchelle: "And yet, every move he's made has been the right one." Oh, for God's sake. I never thought I'd say this, but shut up, Bitchelle. "Not if he wanted to be with her," Soul Patch says. Which raises a related issue for him: "I look at what this job does to people in our positions, and I realize, I want us to be together again. But it's got to be away from all this." Bitchelle asks, "You want us to leave our jobs?" He simply nods rather than pointing out that, technically, she's the only one with a job right now. She seems unsure: "Where would we go? What would we do?" Soul Patch says that people start over every day, "if it's important." "You're asking me to leave the only thing I've ever done," she says. Soul Patch nods grimly. "Yes, I am."

Now it's DiCK who's providing commentary on the season, bellowing, "This is beyond belief!" as he's dragged, kicking and screaming, onto the CTU floor. He's obviously traumatized just to be back here. And I'd like to thank the forum posters who pointed out that since we last saw DiCK, he's taken up playing Trey on The O.C. I'd like to remind you that I thought his house looked like it was in Chino way back in the season premiere. I guess the producers of The O.C. just had to cast him when they saw how excellent he is at playing no-good brothers who indignantly and self-righteously protest their innocence in the face of all available evidence. DoDder runs up to DiCK while he's freaking out and urgently explains to him about his number showing up on ImhoTerror's cell phone. DiCK's already been told this, but he maintains that "That's insane." She's walking with her brother and the agents hauling him along, until Buchanan pulls her aside and says they have to get DiCK to holding. He's dragged off, screaming his sister's name. DoDder asks Buchanan who's interrogating DiCK. "Kiefer," says Buchanan. "What?" DoDder demands coldly. And speak of the devil -- he and Curtis are just walking into CTU, about five minutes after they left the scene of ImhoTerror's most recent escape. Which is odd, because Kiefer had said before that they were ten minutes out. I guess he was counting the five minutes he planned to spend moping around during the commercials. DoDder charges right up to Kiefer, saying, "You are not going to do this. You are not going to torture my brother." I'd point out to DoDder that Kiefer knows lots of interrogation techniques besides torture, but it's been some time since we've seen any evidence of that. Longer, if you don't count the suspects who have charisma. Kiefer tells Curtis he'll be right there, and as Curtis peels off, Kiefer insists that he doesn't want to hurt DiCK, "but we're out of time. He knows something and I'm gonna find out what it is." Well, that should get DoDder on board with his plan. She thinks there's an innocent explanation for the evidence, and asks Kiefer to let her talk to him first. "You honestly believe that you can interrogate your own brother?" Kiefer sneers. DoDder says she might be able to get something out of him for just that reason. She begs him for five minutes. Kiefer struggles briefly to get his head around the concept that it may be possible to get someone to talk without physically traumatizing them. But he reluctantly agrees, and DoDder runs off like her clock just started.

The actual clock reads 4:21:42 in the White House Bunker as the Speaker comes up to PMHC to comment on the presence of Palmer. PMHC says the Veep brought Palmer in to advise. The Speaker gets in a little dig about how that's a good idea, since Palmer's experience means "he knows how to lead." PMHC leaps to the Veep's defense. The Speaker, all sneaky-innocent-like, says that since the Veep hasn't asked the Cabinet or the leadership (by which he of course means "me"), he's glad to know that the Veep's "in good hands." Ah, so the Speaker's seen Palmer's Allstate commercials like the rest of us. PMHC asks if the Speaker has anything to add, to what I'm sure will be his regret. The Speaker is pissed because he's in the line of succession, the Veep's in over his head, and he, the Speaker, got passed over in favor of "David Palmer." PMHC assures the Speaker that the Veep "is in complete control." The Speaker nods, but he knows that the Veep is barely in complete control of his bowels. PMHC excuses himself.

PMHC enters the Undal Office and says, "Excuse me, Mr. President?" Both Palmer and the Veep turn to look at him. Heh. PMHC says the Speaker is stirring shit up. The Veep wins my heart by saying, "That's too bad. We have more important things to worry about at the moment." PMHC insists that the Speaker can make problems. Palmer steps in to back up PMHC, because there's nothing Palmer loves more than getting distracted from the real threat in order to waste time with some internal problem that might undermine his authority. He says of the Speaker, "Now that he's in line for the Presidency, he'll look to exploit any angle he can." The Veep doesn't think that the Speaker would sacrifice national security to further his own ambition, but Palmer says that the Speaker sees the two as "one and the same." Hey, that sounds like someone I know whose initials are B and N with an "ush Administratio" in between. The Veep asks what to do. "Show him who's in charge," says Palmer. See, this is what always bugged me about Palmer storylines. If they couldn't figure out a way to have him dealing directly with the threat, he was always getting sidetracked by some stupid tangent just for the sake of giving him something to do in every episode. We never had that problem with Keeler. If Keeler wasn't addressing the main threat, we didn't see him, and that's how it ought to be, I think. Get well soon, Keeler. It's 4:23:45.

4:28:12. DoDder watches from the observation room as DiCK gets set up to be interrogated; so does Curtis, from behind the AV console; and DaD's back in the building as if he never left. Kiefer joins Curtis and DoDder in observation, and Curtis tells him that everything's ready. Looks like the bird-faced AV guy finally went home for the night. "Let's do this," Kiefer says. By which he uncharacteristically means, "You do this." He lets DoDder into the room with her brother.

DiCK immediately starts expostulating with her, but she doesn't have time. She shows him one of the intelligence photos of ImhoTerror and asks what he knows about the man. That would be nothing, he says. DoDder says CTU has proof that he called ImhoTerror at 4:00 last Tuesday. He insists he doesn't know ImhoTerror, or anything else for that matter. This I can believe. She reminds him about the missile, and asks why he made the call. He insists he didn't.

DaD joins Kiefer in the observation room. Kiefer says, "We decided to let DoDder talk to him first. They just got started." DaD asks if DiCK has confessed to anything yet. Kiefer says no.

DoDder's still not getting anywhere with him. She mentions the call to ImhoTerror again, and DiCK insists, "It's all bull!" My, such language! Brr! Curtis observes, "His readings are spiking. He's holding something back." DoDder begs DiCK to spill: "If you don't, there is a man who will come in here and get the information from you. I saw him torture someone today. It's what he's trained to do. He won't stop hurting you until you tell him the truth." Kiefer looks like he himself is hurting plenty just to hear her talk about him this way. And oh, how my heart bleeds for the sadistic bastard. DiCK is starting to get weepy in his panic, and DoDder is kneeling to him, stroking his nasty-ass head and telling him to talk. It actually looks like he might be about to spill to her.

But in the observation room, DaD assesses, "This is not working. We don't have time to coddle him. Open up." As he waits for Kiefer to punch in the security code to let him into the interrogation room, he elaborates, "I don't care if he is my son." No shit? "He's playing games now." Whatever. I think he's just embarrassed and pissed off that everyone's seeing what a dink his kid is and everything else is secondary. It's 4:30:25 as Kiefer lets him into the interrogation room.

DaD stands before his children and tells DiCK, "Either you tell us what we want to know, or I will let them use every piece of equipment they have to drag it out of you." If DiCK was starting to crack before, he certainly isn't now, as his whole face closes up. Way to go, DaD. DoDder starts to tell her DaD to quit being such a prick, but he kicks her out. Before abandoning her brother to their asshole dad, she tells DiCK one more time to tell them everything. He begs her again and again, "Don't let them do this to me," as she leaves the room and goes to stand to Kiefer in observation. Dude, she was just touching DiCK's hair. I think I'd at least ask someone for a wet-wipe.

DaD asks DiCK, "What's it gonna be?" DiCK invites his DaD to go to hell: "I didn't do anything wrong, I don't have to tell you anything." DaD hollers, "There's a nucular warhead gonna detonate somewhere over this country. Those lost lives will be on your head. You will be a murderer!" DiCK wails that he didn't mean to do anything wrong. Oops. That's torn it. "Tell me what you did," DaD bellows. DiCK tells a story about meeting a couple at a bar: "This girl and her boyfriend." He doesn't know their names, but DaD at least knows enough now to back off and let DiCK talk. DiCK relates the tale of how they "wanted to party, and we went back to my place. We got…high. And I guess there was time for one of them to make a call on my phone." "How?" asks DaD patiently. "When we were in bed," says DiCK. "So while you were in bed with her, he used your phone in the other room?" DaD asks. Oh, silly DaD. You think DiCK would hold back this hard about a romp with a chick, after lighting up a joint in front of you yesterday? And in fact, DiCK says, to the surprise of nobody in the viewing audience, that "He wasn't the one in the other room. I was with him." DaD and DoDder separately reel at the concept that the terrorist dupe in the family is something ten times worse: a gay terrorist dupe. DaD turns away. "She must have been the one that made the call," finishes DiCK. Kiefer looks inscrutable. Grayadder and I never actually did anything, he's thinking. "So you were set up," DaD says. More questions establish that DiCK doesn't have the mystery couple's phone number or address, and that they took a cab from his place, although he doesn't remember which cab company it was. Kiefer tells Curtis, "Get in touch with every cab company that works in the area. I want their logbooks. Get me a sketch artist now." Curtis is on it. DiCK says to SaD DaD, "So now you know. I suppose you're even more disgusted with me, huh, DaD?" DaD sanctimonies, "This is not about how you choose to live your life, son. This is about how you put this country in jeopardy. If you'd told us this information yesterday, maybe these terrorist attacks would not have occurred." DiCK sees this as the bullshit it is: "Yesterday I didn't know that that night had anything to do with these attacks." "You should have told us everything," DaD quietly insists. Oh, what the fuck ever. So when Curtis asked who DiCK had told about DaD's visit, DiCK was supposed to say, "Well, nobody, but I am gay"? CTU would have had no idea what to do with this information, even if they'd had it at the time. Kiefer finally realizes that he probably shouldn't be observing all this, and tells DoDder he'll wait out in the hallway. "You made a profound mistake today, Richard," says DaD, and leaves his son sitting forlornly in the chair he's tied to. It's 4:34:32. Well, that was a short act. It only seemed long.

John Heard will not rest until he's doing the voice-over for every commercial on this show, will he?

4:38:54. Kiefer, Curtis, and Buchanan are gathered over the conference room table, while DoDder and DiCK separately ponder their new family dynamic. Potato Face and Lispy Skip join the meeting in the conference room with the news that they've already run down DiCK's mystery couple via the cab driver, and confirmed their residence at an apartment building in Panorama City. Apparently the building manager there doesn't sleep or something. Buchanan tells Kiefer to "take this." Kiefer wants his best Field Ops, Curtis and Castle. Buchanan says he needs Curtis there. Curtis looks at Kiefer like, "Yeah, I'm sticking around. Hey, even I have to run out of luck sometime." Kiefer says he'll take Soul Patch instead. Buchanan agrees, as if having his romantic rival out of the building and in harm's way is something he actually has to think about. Kiefer leaves to put his team together. Buchanan asks Skip about the phone call, and Skip explains that when the mystery babe called ImhoTerror from DiCK's phone, it "activated a listen-in" so ImhoTerror could eavesdrop on all of DiCK's phone calls from then on. A wiretap with neither wire nor tap, apparently. Ingenious! So that's how ImhoTerror knew where DaD would be so they could kidnap him. Buchanan asks about the search for the missile, and Potato Face says they're still coming up empty so far. Curtis asks whether the Veep's going to make an announcement. "As of now," says Buchanan, "the president still thinks that would do more harm than good." He doesn't look like he entirely agrees.

The Veep has called a little briefing in his outer lobby. He announces to the gathered suits and dress uniforms that he's called in Palmer for assistance, given the nature of the crisis. Palmer is standing there stoically. But before the room can burst into applause, the Speaker butts in with his predictable bitching about what Palmer's position is supposed to be in the chain of command. Palmer explains, "I'm here solely as an advisor. Not only to the President, but to anyone here who requests my counsel." People don't exactly start lining up to be Dr. Philled by the one-termer. Now that the Speaker has gotten his clarification, the Veep continues. He points to a map and explains that the missile was launched from central Iowa, and it's becoming more and more likely that the target is on one of the coasts. A Cabinet member says, "It's clearly going to be New York or D.C. Why aren't we evacuating those two cities?" I think we can assume she's not the Secretary of the Interior. Palmer fields her question, calling her "Jennie" and saying he disagrees with her assessment. Plus evacuating those two cities could start a mass exodus from "Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Atlanta…" He doesn't mention a likely corresponding influx to small towns like East Butthole, Castle Rock, Jerkwater, Armpit, Dogpatch, et cetera. But in any case, Palmer doesn't think the Veep would want to deal with that. The Speaker suggests that maybe the Veep could say that himself. The Veep says he agrees with Palmer. The Speaker asks about air defense, and whether the cities will remain undefended. Palmer jumps in again, saying their limited number of F-18 Interceptors need to be searching for the missile. The Speaker oozes, "Mr. Palmer, I'm sure that we all appreciate your desire to help, but the Constitution has determined who the decision-makers should be at this time." And we all know how this show feels about people who invoke the Constitution, don't we? Palmer interrupts, "In the first place, it's 'Mr. President,' Don." He starts to continue, but the Veep interrupts him in turn: "David?" The Veep backs Palmer on wanting to be addressed as President, but reminds him that it's "not a functional title." Palmer defends his participation in the discussion by saying he's managed terror attacks before. "But we are here now," says the Veep. He says he wants to address the Speaker's concerns. "Perhaps it's best if I excused myself," Palmer says stoically. The Veep agrees, and Palmer leaves the room. The Veep tells the Speaker he's right: "We're going to put those jets over D.C. and New York." The Speaker looks smug. So does the Veep, but for a different reason.

And that reason is that Palmer has just met up with PMHC in the outer hallway, where they establish for the slower viewers that what we just saw was all just a little piece of theater to show everyone that the Veep isn't afraid to disagree with Palmer. "We won't have any more problems with [the Speaker] today," PMMC assesses. Palmer hopes he's right. I do too, because presidents who would rather put on plays than deal with a nuclear attack aren't presidents I would want in the White House. Or under it, even.

4:42:54. Bitchelle and Soul Patch are walking through CTU, going over last-minute logistics for the upcoming mission. Suddenly she stops him and says, "I can't spend another day without you. I'm ready to leave here…I'm ready to go with you." Quite a turnaround from nine and a half hours ago. If she has more to say, it's prevented by Soul Patch clamping his mouth over her face. They mack vigorously in the hallway, until he disentangles himself and leaves. "Be careful," she obligatories, and he leaves with a small smile, oblivious to the giant metaphorical target she's just pinned to the back of his jacket.

DaD and DoDder are up in his guest-office, which has been kept vacant all night. I guess Buchanan didn't need a place to sit or anything. We learn that the field team will be setting up a live video feed at the site so DiCK can identify his mystery dude from CTU, and then DiCK will be released. DaD admits, "His motives certainly weren't seditious." How generous of him. With that out of the way, DoDder can bring the conversation around to the most important topic on everyone's mind: DoDder. "I just feel so lost," she whines. "I know, sweetheart," he says with a paternal smile. Maybe one of Devane's conditions for coming back was that his "supportive dad" speeches to DoDder be kept to a minimum. Which is ironic, because he could kind of use one right now to help rehabilitate him after his treatment of DiCK. A flunky comes in to tell DoDder that Kiefer's on the line for her. DaD takes his cue and leaves her alone in his office to take the call. It's 4:44:26.

Kiefer's in the CTU helicopter, holding his cell phone to his ear. We hear DoDder on the other end saying, "H'llew." What, is she trying to get me to like her by answering the phone like TerrorMom? Too little, too late. Anyway, Kiefer's got some things to get off his chest. It's intended as a big speech, but it ends up being stuff we've known about Kiefer for years: "I never believed you could ever really love me if you'd known about everything I've done." This is why he left CTU and moved to D.C. "All I know is that you're back in it," she says, "and it's too much for me." Kiefer says he knows. He adds, "I love you. But this is how the job has to be done." I assume he means in the 24-verse (where torture works) as opposed to the real world (where it doesn't). "I just want you to know how sorry I am that it had to involve you and the people you care about." Especially Kiefer. He says she doesn't have to say anything, but he wants her to promise that they can talk as soon as it's over. Does he mean after 7:00 AM? Because that would actually be fine with me. She doesn't say anything. The agent riding in the chopper to him says Kiefer's name, and Kiefer has to get off the phone without having extracted his promise. He puts on his headset so the Asian agent to him who's not Agent Baker can point out their approach plan on the site schematic. Nobody cares.

On the CTU floor, Curtis gives Lispy Skip the composite sketch that the artist working with Dick came up with. Shit, man, that was fast. Curtis has Skip upload it to the field team. As he does so, we get a good look at the sketch, which explains how they were able to crank it out so quickly. Either CTU's artist sucks, or DiCK's describing skills aren't any better than his hygiene. I'm looking at that picture and, stubble or no, that's a woman, baby.

Naturally, they can't resist cutting to the actual guy in his apartment, just to show how striking a likeness it isn't. And he must not be all that gay, because he's just finished having sex with a brunette woman. "Now can we go?" he whines. Okay, he's pretty gay. As her face drops into the frame, we see that the brunette is none other than Naked Mandy. Yeah, he's totally gay. What, you don't remember Naked Mandy? She's the woman who blew up the plane in the series premiere, then tried to assassinate Palmer at the end of Season Two. Well, she's back, and she's naked. And a has-bian, apparently. Does anybody else think it's odd that during a season when the show picked up a slew of new viewers, one of the big repeated gimmicks is making a big deal out of bringing back characters that those new viewers have never seen before? She says, "We still have plenty of time to get to ImhoTerror," stepping all over her "Look, everyone! It's Naked Mandy!" music cue. Actually, she's not entirely naked; she appears to be wearing a black miniskirt as she lies on the bed with her "boyfriend," whom I have no choice but to dub Naked Man. Even though he gets up and pulls on his underwear as he says he doesn't "like cutting it this close." He leaves the room. All alone with her naked disappointment, Naked Mandy hears the sound of an approaching helicopter. Her naked boobies don't quite make it past the bottom of the frame as she stands up and goes to the window. She looks out at the quiet street and gives a nakedly speculative look, then begins to get dressed. Nakedly.

It's 4:47:47 on board the CTU helicopter as Kiefer passes around his GameBoy, which is currently displaying the bad composite sketch of Naked Man. He reminds us that Naked Man and Naked Mandy are "our only lead [drink!] to ImhoTerror. So once we identify the suspects, it is vital that we take them alive." I guess that means they can all feel free to kill any unidentified suspects. He calls Curtis at CTU, who confirms that DiCK is standing by to ID Naked Man. Actually he's pouting by, but Kiefer doesn't care. "We are a go," he announces. The chopper lands in a grassy field near a freeway, surrounded by LAPD cruisers. Kiefer meets the armored SWAT agent on the ground, tells him to keep all LAPD units outside of the perimeter, and gets into an SUV for the short ride to the apartment building. Which I'm calling the Naked Arms.

Where Naked Mandy has finished putting together her go-go assassin ensemble. Seriously, she's wearing black boots, as well as a black vest over her white, long-sleeved top. She looks like Han Solo in a wig and a miniskirt. Naked Man comes out to the living room, and Naked Mandy breaks the news that they've been found. Naked Man curses and starts getting ready to flee. "Hey, we can't go together," chirps Naked Mandy, getting her gun out of a bag. "One of us has to stay here in the apartment… If they think that we're still here, then it gives one of us a chance to escape." Naked Man thinks this is the stupidest thing he's ever heard: "So one of us is gonna get caught to save the other?" he asks in disbelief. "Exactly," she says. "It's gonna be you." And then she shoots him dead. Oh, these crazy sexually liberated people, with their beaded curtains and their loose morals and their easy willingness to betray their country to terrorists. If only everyone could keep it in their pants, or at least confine themselves to boning members of the opposite sex. It's 4:49:27.

4:53:55. Naked Mandy loads and stows her silenced handgun, the Veep holds court outside the Undal Office, Bitchelle wears her headset on the CTU floor, and the LAPD SUV carrying Kiefer, Soul Patch, and Castle pulls into the parking lot outside the Naked Arms. Kiefer sends Castle and Soul Patch to take up position on the roof. With the help of an LAPD operator squawking in his earpiece, he punches in the code to the security gate. "I'm in," he says. He takes up position and peers through his scope at a curtained window with a female silhouette moving around behind the shade. "I've got a visual on the apartment," he says, because Kiefer never just "sees" anything. He gives the order for the Asian Agent Who Is Not Baker, Agent McCallan, to meet him outside the apartment. You may notice I never complain about the Asian CTU agents with Western names. That's because one of my best friends is an Asian woman named Erickson. Weapons drawn, Kiefer and McCallan make their respective ways through the halls and meet up at Naked Mandy's apartment door at 4:55:22. Kiefer has McCallan pick the lock, and they're inside in seconds. They silently split up to search the apartment, but the only warm body is in a chair in the living room, watching Fox News. And, as Kiefer quickly discovers, Naked Man isn't all that warm any more. Poor guy. I wouldn't want to be caught dead watching Fox News. Kiefer orders McCallan to take a picture of Naked Man and send it to CTU, then leaves McCallan alone in the apartment.

Over his earpiece, he asks Soul Patch and Castle -- who are already in position in the roof -- whether they've spotted any movement, since Naked Man is dead and Naked Mandy is gone. "She couldn't have gotten past the perimeter teams," says Soul Patch, demonstrating that things are never too tense for him to make a little joke. Kiefer says there are plenty of places to hide in the complex. And indeed, the Naked Arms isn't just some cracker-box apartment building; it's one of those sprawling, multi-building developments you can find on the edges of freeways and suburbs everywhere. Kiefer gives Soul Patch the order for everyone to stay put until they can search all the other apartments.

Naturally, it's at that exact moment that Castle starts to wander off by himself. It's 4:56:32. Mandy appears from around the corner he just turned his back on and puts a bullet in his arm. He drops his gun. Soul Patch, who has heard the muted gunshot and Castle's grunt of pain, turns his own weapon in that direction. But when Mandy shows herself, she's got Castle in human-shield position with her own gun pressed against the base of Castle's neck. Given their respective sizes, he makes an excellent shield for her. She orders Soul Patch to drop his own weapon. When he's slow to comply, she coolly puts another round into Castle, this time in the leg. Castle drops to his knees, and even though he's not nearly as good a shield any more, Soul Patch raises his hands and slowly puts his gun down on the roof. Which makes it sound like Soul Patch is really tall, I know, but you'll recall that they're standing on the roof as this happens. "Kick it away," she snaps. He does. "He's injured," says Soul Patch, as if she's not the one who injured Castle in the first place. "Let him go, you can take me instead." Aw, after the way Castle dissed him this afternoon, too. Mandy isn't quite so touched, and orders Soul Patch to remove his radio. He drops the pack, although the wire stays in his ear. She gets Soul Patch to turn around, kneel, and put his hands behind his head, and then orders Castle to cuff him. While Castle is making his painful way over to Soul Patch, Mandy picks up Soul Patch's radio. Having cuffed Soul Patch, Castle gets to his feet and faces her. And she shoots him, fatally this time. That'll learn him to dis Soul Patch. Everyone who's spent the whole season wishing Castle had been Agent Baker instantly shuts up. Mandy orders Soul Patch to his feet and marches him out of the scene at gunpoint.

McCallan has just finished taking a photo of Naked Man. It's uploaded almost immediately to the monitor in front of DiCK's face. "Whoa," says DiCK. Curtis has to ask twice if he's the guy. DiCK is able to confirm Naked Man's identity, even though McCallan failed to remove Naked Man's pants for the picture. Curtis relays the ID over Kiefer's earpiece. Kiefer stops rooting through someone's closet at 4:58:32 long enough to thank Curtis and order all the teams to start searching the apartment complex. He tells Soul Patch, "We're initiating the search." Naturally, there's no answer. "Castle, why is Soul Patch not on comm?" Again, there's no answer, and Bitchelle has just popped up in a splitscreen window, listening in on her headset and suddenly looking very nervous. Kiefer runs out of the apartment, reaching for his gun and calling Soul Patch's name. Bitchelle holds it together while other splitscreen windows show Naked Mandy tying a gag over Soul Patch's mouth and Kiefer running up the stairs to the roof. When he gets there, he's got the whole screen to himself again, but that's cold comfort in the face of what greets him there: Castle's body and Soul Patch's gun. He announces, "Castle is down and Soul Patch is missing." Bitchelle puts a hand to her face. Kiefer continues, "I repeat, Soul Patch is missing and possibly a hostage. Our communications have been compromised. Move over to secondary frequency. CTU, I need more tactical personnel now." Bitchelle is slow to respond, quietly freaking out as she is, but Kiefer snaps her name and she orders, "You heard him, people. Shift profiles. We may have a hostage situation. Move, now!" She removes her headset, making an anguished "no fucking way" face. It's 5:00:00.

week: The two-hour season finale, when the show that's had you on the edge of your seat all season "pulls the chair out." Great; now I'll have carpal tunnel and a herniated disc.