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Turns out Kiefer decided not to quit CTU after all, which is kind of a shame. See, after torturing ImhoTerror's location out of Prado, he heads up the operation to grab the bad guy. But the Veep's so pissed at Kiefer for defying him that he sends Secret Service to arrest Kiefer, and they end up blowing the operation. On the plus side, now that Kiefer's lost ImhoTerror for the fourth time in eight hours, he's finally got someone else to blame.
The Veep, realizing his mistake, throws himself a little pity party and seems about ready to step down, until Poor Man's Hume Cronyn decides to call in his old boss. Yes, Palmer's on his way back to the White House. Let's hope the Veep will be in good hands.
The stolen warhead, meanwhile, is in Central Iowa and being prepped for something or other under the watchful eye of Angel's Keith Szarabajka (I swear, the ways this show finds to get back at me). The Middle Eastern Missile Tech working with Keith Sarbajakza has a Middle Eastern girlfriend back home in L.A. who's starting to get suspicious, so she calls CTU to report a bunch of hinky encrypted files she found on her man's laptop. Buchanan sends a very reluctant Potato Face over to the house to check into it. And her agoraphobia proves to be well-founded, because Keith Slallablallah has sent a hit man to "take care of" the girlfriend. Poor, panicked Potato Face and her informant are besieged by Keith Salmahayek's incredibly determined assassin. How do they get out of it? Two words: Potato Gun.
And two more: Keith Szbzkjkzkjrjzba. Damn you, 24. Damn yoooouuu! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on 24: An Army convoy carrying a nuclear warhead was ambushed and robbed of its atomic payload in the backward, jerkwater Midwest, where we have no telephones, internet, satellites, or highway patrol. One of ImhoTerror's henchmen was about to get nabbed along with Joe Prado, who killed the henchman before CTU could move in. Prado said he was innocent, and had a lawyer protecting him. The Veep (who's finally identified as the President in his freeze frame this week, not that I care) put off the decision as to whether to torture Prado. Kiefer decided to take matters into his own hands by asking Buchanan to accept his resignation and release Prado. Kiefer broke Prado's fingers until Prado gave up ImhoTerror's location, and then Kiefer thanked him by clubbing him unconscious. The following takes place between 1:00 AM and 2:00 AM.
However poorly Kiefer may have treated Prado in the parking lot, the folks at the CTU clinic are more than making up for it. In the two minutes and fifteen seconds since Kiefer knocked him unconscious, he's been uncuffed, brought into the clinic, revived, and had his hand splinted up. He's even got a hot young doctor or nurse daubing his head wound. This is ridiculous. Wheeling him past the camera unconscious on a gurney would have had the same effect without completely flouting the real-time format. Not that we're done doing that for tonight, either. Buchanan's in the clinic too, trying to get Poor Man's Hume Cronyn on the phone. Just then, DoDder marches into the room, takes one look at Prado, and grabs his medical chart. Damn, lady, it's not enough that he just got his Fifth, Eighth, and Fourteenth Amendment rights stomped on, you gotta go and violate his Fourth? She puts down the chart and confronts Buchanan, who just says, "Prado talked." DoDder insists on knowing what happened, in her capacity as a representative of the DoD. Might as well be the SecDef herself, given Devane's absence from the past several episodes. Buchanan says Kiefer did it. "It was the only way to get him to give up ImhoTerror's location," he lames. Okay, we're going to be hearing that a lot for a while now, and it's not any more true than it was last week, but I think I covered that in last week's recap. I'll just refer Buchanan there. DoDder seems surprised to hear that the Veep gave clearance to use torture. Buchanan says the Veep didn't. "Where's Kiefer now?" she demands. Buchanan says he's prepping a team to go after ImhoTerror. So I guess Buchanan didn't accept Kiefer's resignation after all. Or he tried to, and it didn't work because Kiefer already doesn't work there anyway. Wonder if that'll bite anyone in the ass soon. Like, potentially the entire country. DoDder glares at Buchanan for a minute, then stomps off.
Many viewers are disappointed to see that by the time the cameras reach the CTU locker room, all the big, strapping tactical agents are already fully dressed. But that might have something to do with the fact that after a brief, time-killing-exchange between Kiefer and Curtis, DoDder is standing outside the locker room's glass door glaring in. Kiefer joins DoDder in the hallway. She confronts him about the fact that Prado's being treated in the CTU clinic. Shouldn't she be happier to learn that Kiefer also tortures people that she hasn't had sex with? Kiefer goes right into defensive mode: "What do you expect me to do?" I can't speak for anyone else, but I expect Kiefer to do something clever or creative. By which I don't just mean a clever or creative way to do something obvious. "You know what I did was absolutely necessary." Well, no, it was the only thing you could think of. There's a difference, sometimes. "As least now we know where he is." Yeah, for the fourth time in eight hours. Better luck this time. DoDder says he "can't keep working outside the lines without consequences." Like that one time when he disobeyed orders and rescued her, EARLIER TODAY, right? In any case, that's the wrong thing to say to Kiefer. "Nobody understands the consequences more than I do. Nobody." Yeah, those stretches between seasons when everything catches up to him are a bitch. He's gotta go.
As he and Curtis walk through CTU, the latter notices the Kiefer's a little stressed. "For whatever it's worth," Curtis says, "you did the right thing with Prado." Kiefer glances at his girlfriend still standing at the far end of the hallway with her disapproving gaze, then thanks Curtis and moves on. Don't worry, Kiefer. Curtis is less bony anyway.
Outside the Undal Office, the Veep is fretting in a room full of advisors about how torturing a U.S. citizen is so much worse than torturing a foreign national. Ah, so he's a wuss and a xenophobe. Anyway, PMHC is firmly on the pro side, saying that Prado has info about a stolen nuclear warhead. "You don't know that," says the Veep, and PMHC agrees that they don't, "because you're not letting CTU do what they need to do." I wonder if that logic would look less circular inside the Oval Office. It would serve everyone right if Prado turned out to be just some guy who owned a boat and didn't ask a lot of questions. In which case, congratulations, Kiefer, you just tortured Han Solo. The Veep turns to Bewigged Victor Garber, who's no help. He just wants the Veep to make a decision. An assistant comes in to tell PMHC that Buchanan's on the phone. As he gets up to take the call, PMHC asks the Veep what to say, but the Veep needs more time. Apparently he's hoping that if he spends a few more minutes crawling up his own ass, he'll eventually emerge out the other side. PHMC ducks into the Undal Office to take the call.
Buchanan tells PMHC that the Veep doesn't have to make a decision anymore. PMHC is pissed, clutching the phone in his fist like he's trying to crush it and yelling that Buchanan should have restrained Kiefer. Buchanan says that "restraint is a luxury we can't afford." PMHC still has the problem of what to tell the Veep. Buchanan suggests he convince the Veep to agree now and they'll fudge the timeline later. PMHC isn't keen on the idea of lying to another president. Buchanan changes the subject, saying off the record that he doesn't think the Veep is up to handling the current crisis. "I understand," says PMHC, and hangs up, even though nothing is resolved. The man who nearly brought down a president, stymied by topic drift. Now you see why we clamp down on that shit in the forums.
Welcome to scenic Central Iowa, where the WarheadMobile has arrived. They covered that 92 miles in a hurry, didn't they? The truck is backing up to a corrugated metal structure somewhere. Given all the other technological hoodoo that's been going on this season, it wouldn't surprise me to learn that the terrorists have converted a grain silo into a missile silo. But no, it's just a regular old barn. As the terrorists haul the warhead's case into the barn like a group of pallbearers, a cell phone goes off. It belongs to the guy I assume is Morris, who's being played by Keith Szarabajka. Angel viewers will remember him as the temporally and dimensionally gifted vampire hunter Holtz from Season Three. I remember wondering at the time how a guy with that moniker makes a career as an actor. It's not like producers are ever going to be hollering, "Get me Keith Szlivenslavyl!" On the other hand, sticking to that name probably leads to fewer false positives when Googling oneself. From his brief cell phone conversation with ImhoTerror, we learn that the warhead is going to undergo some kind of "compatibility check," and that Keith Slzjkzjkjvbvkjsa is doing this for money. Well, of course he is. He's a white guy. At least the show isn't coming out in favor of racial profiling; we need financial profiling too. Once off the phone and in the building, he stands over a Middle Eastern guy who slides the guts of the warhead out of the cone. "Is it compatible?" asks Keith Szmanfrenjinson. The Missile Tech says he only needs to configure the trigger mechanism, which should take him an hour or less. But before he can get started on that, his own cell phone rings. He sees that it's his girlfriend, who's been calling for a while, and he doesn't want her getting suspicious. Keith Szimpleplancd grumpily tells Missile Tech to hurry up with the call.
Turns out the Missile Tech's Middle Eastern girlfriend, whom I am of course calling Miss Iletech, has already busted him; he's not at the hotel he's supposed to be at, which she knows because she tried to call him there. She wants to know what he's up to. He tries to blow her off, but she's not letting it go. At first you think she's going to accuse him of cheating on her, but she goes right to "Are you involved with these terrorists?" Hee! Awesome. Turns out she found a suspicious bookmark on his computer. Hey, Missile Tech? If there's stuff on your computer you don't want the girlfriend to see, maybe it's not a good idea to bookmark it. Although what do I know, I'm not a terrorist. Oh, no! It's red text on a black background! Malicious code! Run! Failing to placate her, he snaps that he'll explain tomorrow and snaps his phone shut. He turns, and Keith Sznikuponagai is standing right behind him with a worried look on his face. "She's fine," Missile Tech assures him with a pat on the shoulder. Keith Szursheeyiz looks doubtful. Here's what I'm doubtful about: are there teams and experts like this working for ImhoTerror in every county in the United States? Because he didn't know where the nearest nuke was going to be until an hour ago. And if he has that kind of resources, why doesn't he just go ahead and throw a straightforward coup?
CTU. Now that DoDder's done trying to make Kiefer feel bad, she's free to come rip a strip off of Buchanan, charging across the floor and yelling at him like she owns the place. He ushers DoDder into the conference room, insisting that "it had to be done." Which I still don't agree with, but there's not much to do about it now besides move on. She's pretty pissed about the contravention of the Veep's order, but Buchanan says in this case he'd rather ask for forgiveness than permission. That only works if you haven't already been denied permission, I think. "I hope this does not come back to haunt you or Kiefer," she says, so angrily that I'm pretty sure she's lying. Buchanan, to his credit, says that if it nets them ImhoTerror, they'll live with it. At least he's not trying to weasel out of his responsibility. And thanks, show, for making an irritating character the only one who agrees with me on this. At least I can take comfort in the fact that she's agreeing with me for the wrong reasons.
It's 11:11:06 as PHMC comes out of the Undal Office to face the Veep. Took his sweet time, didn't he? PMHC nervously reports that CTU located ImhoTerror and has a tactical team on the way. "That's good news," the Veep says suspiciously. He quickly figures out that force was used, and PMHC doesn't bother trying to deceive him, although he gives up Kiefer's name only reluctantly. The Veep is pissed off at Kiefer's insubordination, and orders Kiefer arrested. PHMC is like, sure, after we have ImhoTerror. But the Veep Veruca Salts that he wants Kiefer arrested now. Now, Daddy! PHMC tries to talk the Veep out of his tree, but the Veep picks up the phone himself, demanding to talk to Secret Service. To…protect him extra hard from Kiefer or something? I don't know.
At CTU, Buchanan wraps up some busywork while we give PMHC time to get away from the Veep and give CTU a call. He warns Buchanan that the Veep is pretty pissed off. Buchanan says the Veep can bring charges against him tomorrow, but PMHC tells him that what the Veep wants is to have Kiefer arrested, and right now. Buchanan steps into a room and tells PMHC that Kiefer's in charge of the ImhoTerror-nabbing team. Well, here's a thought, Buchanan: maybe you shouldn't have assigned that to someone who had a pretty good chance of becoming a fugitive some time in the ten minutes. PMHC says the Veep is adamant. Now that he's finally made a decision, he won't be talked out of it. Although he leaves out that last part. Buchanan rants at PMHC, but it doesn't do any good. As PMHC says, the Veep has already called the Secret Service and they're on their way to get Kiefer now. "I suggest you warn him immediately." It's 1:13:52.
Three Smirnoff Ice commercials in a row? Does that mean I have to buy three times as much now?
1:18:13. L.A. is pretty at night now that the blackout is over, the Veep looks like he's in the mood for a Smirnoff Ice-induced blackout of his own, the Missile Tech techs his warhead, and ImhoTerror is…standing there. A caravan of CTUmobiles pulls into a parking lot and unloads a small army of agents, including Kiefer, who looks through his scope and quickly spots the abstract blue neon window sculpture that tells us he's in the right place. He's got a robotic camera that he's going to stick into a ventilation shaft to see if he can confirm ImhoTerror's presence in the club. Satisfied that it's working, he heads toward the building by himself while other agents take up position behind the parked vehicles. Hey, Kiefer? Maybe you should send someone else in, just in case that totally illegal thing you did twenty minutes ago pissed off the Veep enough for him to order your arrest. I'm just spitballing here.
Potato Face is sitting at her computer at CTU, because that's all she ever, ever does, when someone rings in and offers to transfer a call from a woman in Los Angeles who is calling to report suspicious activity. Potato Face agrees to take the call, and Miss Iletech's driver's license appears on Potato Face's monitor. Miss Iletech tells Potato Face that it's about her boyfriend, but she's not sure if it's significant. Potato Face elicits Missile Tech's name with her usual charm and finesse, and in moments she has another driver's license before her. Miss Iletech says that her boyfriend's been travelling a lot, and may have fallen in with a bad crowd. Plus she's found some odd files on his computer. We see a diagram of a microchip or something on his monitor. Under Potato Face's incisive questioning, she reveals that even though Missile Tech is supposed to be in Arizona for a client meeting, he isn't at his hotel. And now she's found, among all the encrypted files on his computer, something in the recycle bin that looks like a schematic for a microchip the likes of which she's never seen. Good thing she got Potato Face on the line and not someone else, no?
It's 11:25:12 already, and Kiefer's lurking around the abandoned catacombs adjoining the crowded nightclub. Before long, he's found an air conditioning duct with an exposed vent that he clambers up to start unscrewing. Curtis's voice comes through on his earpiece with word that Buchanan wants to talk to him. Kiefer's not too thrilled about the timing, but Curtis says it's urgent, and patches the boss through. Buchanan gives Kiefer the news about Secret Service being on their way. Kiefer's all, this is not a good time, asking Buchanan to stall the Secret Service. Buchanan says he's been on the phone for ten minutes attempting just that. Okay, it's been seven minutes, actually, and those seven minutes would have been better spent warning Kiefer in the first place so that he wouldn't be in such an awkward position when the Secret Service showed up. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Buchanan says Kiefer has to get ImhoTerror before Secret Service gets Kiefer. Curtis promises to run interference, but the operation has just taken on a new urgency.
Inside the club, swarthy Middle Eastern guys with earpieces wander around glowering at the writhing infidels. You'd think a day of terror attacks would thin out the crowd in a place like that.
ImhoTerror's in some back room of the club, a room that's being converted into an impromptu video recording studio. He gives instructions to a Terror AV guy to have the tape he's about to record delivered to TV stations by dawn on the East Coast. Terror AV guy says that won't be a problem, and as he loads the tape into the video camera, he offers to let ImhoTerror cover his face. "I want the American people to know who did this," ImhoTerror demurs. It's 1:23:02. Wait, what? It was 1:25:12 a couple of minutes ago. Here's a hint for the editors: superimpose the ticking clocks after the order of scenes has been finalized. Although if ImhoTerror is really able to travel through time, it might explain some of the feats he's been able to pull off this season. He takes up position in front of a flag with Arabic writing on it and turns to face the camera. He says, "Ready," and a bright light illuminates his telegenic face. He starts bloviating at the lens. He's way better at it than Poor Man's Robert Davi was, even when the latter also had the killer prop of the orange-jumpsuited DaD. But he's really not any more specific than PMRD was. He's fun to watch here, anyway. All you need to know is that "One of your own nuclear weapons has been used against you." Shit, how'd I miss that? Oh, he means later. Never mind.
Kiefer inserts his robot camera into the A/C duct and starts manipulating it by remote control, while the camera's view appears on a small monitor. Handy. The camera wheels along until it gets to a vent. Kiefer pans over to look into the main room, which contains fifty civilians and what look like a couple of sentries. The video feed is also appearing live at the CTU staging area in the parking lot, and at CTU headquarters. At Curtis's suggestion, Bitchelle has Potato Face take a screen grab of one of the sentries, which the facial recognition software matches to an associate of ImhoTerror's. Soul Patch assesses that at least now they now know Prado wasn't lying. But Buchanan says they still need to confirm that ImhoTerror's actually there. Because sure, they've got all the time in the world.
As if to underscore this point, Castle, who's standing to Curtis, gets a call on his cell phone saying that the Secret Service is on its way. I really need to come up with a nickname for those guys, and "SS" obviously isn't going to cut it. In any case, a SecServ sedan has just pulled up behind the CTU guys, and two suited agents step out flashing their badges. Kiefer gets word that the fuzz has arrived. Satisfied that their cover's not yet blown, he sends the robot camera along to the room.
Which is where ImhoTerror is holding forth, getting a perfect first take. Unfortunately for Kiefer, ImhoTerror must be standing directly under the duct, because all Kiefer can see is five guys watching their boss yammer. And the camera has no microphone, either, so he can't hear ImhoTerror's voice. All he knows is that someone interesting is outside his line of sight. He reports this to Curtis, who acknowledges and then turns his attention to the extremely embarrassed Secret Service agents who are there to arrest Kiefer. The SecServ guy who's doing the talking reminds me of Enrico Colantoni from Veronica Mars, if Keith Mars had hair. "Curtis, let me talk to them," Kiefer says, because he doesn't have his hands full or anything. Why not take a moment off from this incredibly sensitive operation to deploy a little Velvet? He tries to prevail upon Agent Keith Mars to let him finish what he's doing, promising to give up peacefully afterward. But Agent Keith Mars says Kiefer's either coming out, or they're going in after him. Buchanan chimes in on the line, saying there's nothing he can do about it. Curtis says they're beaten, and Castle says he's on his way in to spell Kiefer.
He dons his helmet and starts scampering toward the building at 1:27:11, bent down low and looking about as inconspicuous as a drag queen. In a spectacular display of bad timing, a taxi turns the corner and momentarily catches Castle in its headlights, just as the sentry inside the club happens to be looking in that direction. He immediately sounds the alarm over his earpiece, and the Terror AV guy -- the only one in the storage room with an earpiece of his own, apparently -- relays the news to ImhoTerror, who's apparently finished anyway. "Start packing," he says. He steps forward and starts gazing around suspiciously, which gets his face caught by Kiefer's little TV camera. Now everyone at CTU knows ImhoTerror's in the house. And, in turn, ImhoTerror has spotted the camera behind the vent above him. Kiefer and Curtis give the order to move, and CTU agents swarm toward the building while the SecServ guys scramble out of the way.
ImhoTerror and his men stride through the crowded main room of the club while Kiefer stalks the abandoned service areas, gun drawn. It's not long before he's in ImhoTerror's recording studio, alone. ImhoTerror, meanwhile, is just heading downstairs, one room ahead of Kiefer. Curtis's army storms in, ordering everyone down and sending the revelers into a panic. ImhoTerror's little group has reached a basement storage area, and the Terror AV guy passes out flashlights as they file through a hole in the wall leading to the sewers. As he grabs his own flashlight, Terror AV guy drops the video tape, just to remind us he has it. He picks it up, which slows him down enough to get spotted and shot by Kiefer. Kiefer sees the hole in the wall and hears voices coming from beyond it. He reports the escape route to CTU, and Soul Patch immediately orders a two-mile perimeter covering all utility access points. Heh, perimeter. Good one. Kiefer leads the way into the tunnel, which splits off into a T almost immediately. He takes a second to try to figure out which way they went, but he's got a bigger problem: a bomb on the wall to his head. Shouting a warning, he dives back into the basement just as the tunnel goes boom. When the smoke clears, everyone's alive but the tunnel's sealed off, preventing pursuit. Kiefer tells Curtis to have the LAPD tighten up the perimeter and let them know where the tunnel leads. As for now, the Secret Service agents have caught up with Kiefer. He peacefully hands over his weapon and puts his hands up against the wall, but he's in a pretty foul mood. "You blew this mission," Kiefer fumes at the agent, who says he's sorry, but he's just following orders. Kiefer should try that some time, after he gets out of these handcuffs. Meanwhile, I'm glad to see for the first time this season some kind of indication that torture can end up backfiring. It's 1:30:27.
I can't believe they made a series out of House and didn't cast William Katt.
It's 1:34:52. Missile Tech is doing his thing, ImhoTerror's posse charges through Angel's turf, things are kind of awkward outside the Undal Office, and CTU is regrouping. In the club basement, one of the CTU agents loots the Terror AV guy's corpse and finds the tape that ImhoTerror just shot. I guess that won't be making it to any TV stations before dawn after all. Unless of course ImhoTerror walks into CTU and walks right back out with it, which I wouldn't put past him. Curtis wants to know if anyone has asked the Veep "what the hell he was thinking, arresting Kiefer in the middle of the operation?" Bitchelle reminds him that they need to focus on finding ImhoTerror, even though they've already learned that the building is adjacent to a sewer line with at least 30 egress points. That's why he picked the place, probably. Seriously, CTU, don't even bother. I'm sure a new lead will come in soon anyway. It always does. Curtis has the ImhoTape, now bagged, and Bitchelle wants him to send it back to CTU with one of his men.
"How did ImhoTerror get past your men?" the Veep asks Buchanan over speakerphone. "This time?" he doesn't add. Buchanan explains that "they had to move in before they were ready…Secret Service showed up to take Kiefer into custody, which compromised one of our positions." The Veep and PMHC exchange a look, the Veep's one of horror, and PMHC's one of pure, uncut, weapons-grade I-told-you-so. They're now the only ones in the room, by the way, and PMHC is sitting even though the Veep is on his feet. I'm going to give the show the benefit of the doubt and assume that's intentional. Which, subtle. The Veep lamely says that wasn't his intent. "With respect, sir," Buchanan says with absolutely no respect, "your orders were explicit." PMHC asks what else they're working on, and Buchanan says they're "essentially without a lead." PMHC says they'll get back to him. It's 1:36:22. "Standing by," Buchanan says disgustedly.
PMHC disconnects the call and, though I wouldn't have thought it possible, amps up his contemptuous glare at his boss. "This is not my fault," the Veep complains, and walks back over to the Undal Office doors, bitching, "None of this would have happened if Kiefer hadn't disobeyed my orders in the first place." PMHC: "I'm sorry, sir, but if you're asking me to agree with that assessment, I can't." That's the trouble with working for the President of the United States: you have to use a lot more words to say "bullshit." Specifically, PMHC points out that Kiefer's the reason they located ImhoTerror in the first place. But anyway, CTU is waiting for instructions. "What would you like me to tell them, Mr. President?" After a long pause, the Veep delivers the not particularly earth-shattering news that he has no idea. He launches into a bout of self-flagellation. PMHC finally gets to his feet and approaches the Veep, saying, "You are the President of the United States." "I shouldn't be," the Veep pity-parties. He wants to resign. PMHC snaps that that's not an option; three presidents in as many hours would destroy the public's confidence. ["I loved that line. Like we'd be fine up through repeated terrorist strikes, a meltdown, CTU tagging division heads in and out like a WWE match, and the Air Force One crash, but a third president would be the last straw. Good thing Ciccolella is already used to delivering that crap with a straight face." -- Sars] "Then what should I do?" The Veep whines. "Tell me what to do." PMHC looks momentarily taken aback at having just been made the de facto POTUS, then quickly rallies. He says, "There's someone who can advise you better than I can." The Veep asks who, but he's already nodding in relief. I think he'd be glad to get some help from Yahoo Serious at this point.
It's 1:38:37, and someone's watching a news report about President Keeler being in critical condition. A cordless phone on the table right to the chair rings, and a beefy guy with a wire running out of his ear picks it up. "Sir, there's a secure call coming through for you," he says, walking the half-step necessary to hand off the ringing receiver. "Thank you, Adam," says the incredibly lazy former President David Palmer, and answers the phone as the Secret Service agent leaves him alone in the room. Just when Palmer was going to sit back and enjoy the fact that he didn't pursue a second term. PMHC, calling from inside the Undal Office, apologizes to his ex-boss for disturbing him so late, but Palmer says he's been up following the news. Until nearly five in the morning local time, no less. He's still dressed, even. "It's a tragic day for our country," Palmer says. Dude, you don't have to talk like that any more. PMHC agrees, and cuts to the chase: since Palmer's last intelligence briefing three hours ago, ImhoTerror has nabbed himself a warhead. PMHC explains about the Football to a shocked Palmer, and says that the Veep needs help with the crisis. "What kind of help?" asks Palmer. "Substantial," says PMHC. He wants Palmer to run the effort to recover the warhead. "A crisis is looming," PMHC promos. "Hard choices need to be made." And the Veep's not up for it. "We need your leadership." Palmer says he wants to talk to the Veep face-to-face before he agrees to anything. PMHC agrees, because it's not like Palmer's going to come to the White House and then turn right around and go home. It's 1:40:42.
1:45:03. Palmer is doing what he does best, i.e., staring into space (shouldn't he be putting on a tie or something?); seconds tick for the Missile Tech; and CTU employees mill around both at HQ and in the field. Kiefer's cooling his heels in the back of the Secret Servicemobile, and Agent Keith Mars lets him out of the car and out of the handcuffs, explaining that the Veep realized his mistake. I think what the Veep needs to learn more than anything else is that what's done is done. Arresting Kiefer wasn't going to un-torture Prado, and releasing him isn't going to un-lose ImhoTerror. In any case, the mortified Agent Keith Mars hands Kiefer his gun back with a heartfelt "I am genuinely sorry about all this." "That doesn't really help us with our situation, does it?" Kiefer grumps. "We had ImhoTerror." Kiefer, you're such a bitch sometimes. He heads over to Curtis, who says there's no sign of their quarry. Kiefer hissyfits that if they haven't found him, they aren't going to. And Curtis tells him there are no new leads. Which means no leads at all on this show. If Kiefer ever met that chick from Cold Case with the fucked-up hair, they would have absolutely nothing to talk about. At 1:46:05, Kiefer says it's time to pack up and head back to CTU. He's taking his ball and going home, y'all.
Potato Face asks Lispy Skip for access to his system, because he's the only one with a certain kind of technobabble software that she needs. Skip shoots her down, saying he's coordinating the agents in the field. "They're field agents. They have guns. They don't need you to coddle them," Potato Face foreshadows. But Skip isn't budging. Potato Face goes right to Soul Patch, who quickly yells across the floor to tell Skip to quit messing around with agents that it's time to call back in anyway. Skip stands there shaking his head as Potato Face darts around him, steals his chair, and finds time for a victorious sneer. Jesus, you two, either grow up or fuck already.
The Missile Tech clips a microchip onto the warhead's circuit board, and watches as the monitor it's connected to lights up. He nods to Keith Sztandingovrhizszjouldr, who whips out his cell phone to call ImhoTerror. It's 1:48:02 as ImhoTerror's cell phone rings, even though he's still in the sewer. My cell phone doesn't work inside my damn house. ImhoTerror is glad to hear that the warhead has been reconfigured, but Keith Szottovojce quietly tells him that Missile Tech's suspicious girlfriend may represent a potential szecurity breach. "But it's been taken care of?" ImhoTerror asks. Keith Szhiftyly asszures him that it's being handled. ImhoTerror says to keep him posted, and starts to climb a ladder to the surface. Missile Tech gives Keith a Szuzpijious look.
Potato Face approaches Soul Patch and Buchanan, telling them that she's hit paydirt with her lead; the schematics she was looking at turn out to be for a microchip that's only used in the type of warhead that ImhoTerror stole. Buchanan wants Missile Tech's name and ID sent to all agencies. Potato Face says the Missile Tech is out of state, and Soul Patch quickly guesses that if he's working with ImhoTerror, he's probably in Iowa with the warhead. Buchanan asks about the informant, and Potato Face says that Miss Iletech was only able to tell them that the files on her boyfriend's computer are locked. Soul Patch says they need to send a team over, and Buchanan taps Potato Face. "Oh, I'm not a field agent. I don't do that," she blithely says, and starts to stomp off. Buchanan stops her, saying she's the only one who can get the files. Well, of course she is. Lispy Skip is only good for regaining control of 97 nuclear power plants and hacking into the MacGuffin and a locked hard drive over the phone; the only way to get these files is to send Potato Face in person. I guess I shouldn't complain, given the likelihood that this is going to get her shot at. She stands there with her mouth open, looking between Soul Patch and Buchanan in disbelief as the latter says, "I'm giving you an order. Go." It's 1:50:02.
1:54:24. A CTU sedan plies the streets of L.A., the warhead is still being fiddled with, and Lispy Skip's on the phone. Potato Face is on the other end, riding in the back seat of the only CTUmobile in the motor pool that's not an SUV. She's throwing stress at him about some technobabble, and he throws it right back about some protocol, and after she gets her way on absolutely everything, she says, "I hope you don't give me so much resistance time." I'll give you resistance, lady. Skip interprets her bitching as a manifestation of her nervousness (how he differentiates that from her normal bitching is beyond me), and tries to reassure her. Potato Face whines about the assignment. Skip says that while she was prepping, he asked Buchanan if he could go instead, but Buchanan refused, saying Potato Face is "the best analyst we have. He's right," Skip finishes. "I know," says an eye-rolling Potato Face, and disconnects. Skip also hangs up, but unwisely fails to pull his phone cord out of the wall.
Potato Face's CTUmobile is already pulling up in front of Casa Missile Tech at 1:55:14. She and the two mute agents in the front seat get out, and they're quickly met in the front yard by Miss Iletech, who's changed into a pink track suit for her late-night company. She lets them in, and Potato Face thanks her for her hospitality by briskly announcing that her wingmen will need to search the place. No warrant needed, I guess. Potato Face sits down at the computer to make sure the files are locked, and Miss Iletech confirms it with a stream of technobabble. Off Potato Face's look, Miss Iletech explains, "I have a doctorate in computer science." But Potato Face is supposed to know more than she does? I can't believe Potato Face also has a doctorate, because if she did, she'd constantly insist on being addressed as "Doctor Potato Face." Potato Face says they can probably decrypt it, and puts Miss Iletech to work writing down potential passwords. Before she gets too far, there's a loud thump from the other room. "What was that?" says Miss Iletech. The closed-captioning quotes one agent as calling Potato Face's name, but on my screen he just gets shot and goes down.
Potato Face reacts quickly, snatching up the laptop and bustling Miss Iletech out of the room. At that moment a hit man comes in and opens fire on them, hoping to prevent us from wondering why Missile Tech didn't just bring his laptop with him to Iowa in the first place. The hit man misses, of course, but now Potato Face and Miss Iletech are holed up in the laundry room, shoving the washer and dryer against the door. Maybe the hit man will give up and go home now. But no, he stands outside, putting round after round in the door. "Do you have a gun?" a terrified Miss Iletech asks. "I work with computers," Potato Face panics, getting on her cell phone with Lispy Skip. Upon learning the situation, Skip looks around for help. Fortunately, Kiefer and Curtis have just arrived. Skip gives Potato Face's location (1482 Franklin, Los Feliz, although I think that's actually in West Hollywood). Kiefer gets on the speakerphone and gets a quick update from Potato Face while Curtis tries to organize a rescue team. Meanwhile, the hit man is still shooting at the door. How many rounds does he have in that thing, anyway? He must be able to reload faster than a video game character. Potato Face hangs up, despite Kiefer's telling her not to. By now, the hit man has shot enough holes in the door to punch through it and reach around for the doorknob. Seeing this, the women head out the window. They're gone by the time the hit man enters. Think he'll give up and go home now?
At CTU, Kiefer's calling in the LAPD, while Curtis learns that the nearest tactical team is fifteen minutes away. "Too long!" snaps Kiefer. I'm not sure if he means that's too long to save Potato Face, or if it's too long to be plausible, since Potato Face got there from CTU in about five minutes. Without sirens.
At 1:58:14, the imperiled women run around the house and clamber into the CTUmobile, which was fortunately left unlocked. But Potato Face can't find the ignition key in the car. It's probably in the pocket of one of her dead wingmen. She calls CTU again, and Skip puts her on speaker. Kiefer tells her help is ten minutes away, and she repeats his assessment that it's too long. If they go as fast as the last five minutes did, she'll be fine. "Just try and stay calm," he says. "Tell me where you are." Well, she's sitting in a CTUmobile, and unbeknownst to her there's a guy standing right to the passenger window who's raising his gun and firing it right at Miss Iletech's head. Luckily, the glass is bulletproof, so they're okay for the moment. Think he'll go home now? Potato Face asks if she can hotwire the CTUmobile and Kiefer says no, but there are weapons inside the car. By now the hit man has walked around to the front of the car and switched to a sawed-off shotgun, which he's repeatedly firing at the windshield. You'd think a neighbor would notice all this commotion. Potato Face says there's a gun in the back, but it's behind a divider grid with a combination lock. You'd think she would have noticed that on the ride over, when she was in the back seat. Anyway, she needs the combination. "I'm on it," says Curtis, as the hit man tries to shoot through the CTUmobile's hood and grille, with no success. Think he'll go home now? Oh, good, he's leaving. They shrink up into a splitscreen window.
Meanwhile, Palmer reads a document in the back of his limo, the hit man gets into his car, the Veep also waits for rescue, and Kiefer waits for the combo.
Whoops, it looks like the reason the hit man is getting into his Jeep is so he can T-bone the CTUmobile. Fortunately, he doesn't have room to build up much speed in the driveway and the first couple of hits aren't doing much damage. Maybe he'll go home now. Curtis has finally come through with the combination, and he calls it out loud enough for Potato Face to hear over the phone. She fumbles with the lock as a burly neighbor in a bathrobe comes out onto the lawn, yelling at the hit man. The burly neighbor is quickly demonstrated to not be bulletproof, as the hit man drops him with a couple of rounds. Potato Face pushes Miss Iletech out of the car and follows, holding a big honking assault rifle. She takes up position behind the car as the hit man gets set up for one more run, and opens up at her assailant's windshield. Like the burly neighbor, the hit man's windshield is also not bulletproof, and his car hits the CTUmobile less violently this time. The door opens and the hit man falls to the pavement, dead. Potato Face keeps looking along the barrel, thinking, Whoa. Great. Now she's going to be even more insufferable. It's 2:00:00.
week: Tired of all the xenophobic portrayals of Middle Eastern people? Not to worry; 24 is bringing in some East Asians for Kiefer to beat on.