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A lot going on this hour, people. There's another big, fun shoot-out in the first act as Kiefer leads CTU to ImhoTerror's hideout, but slippery, slippery ImhoTerror escapes again. Can you imagine what he'd be accomplishing if he weren't on the run all the time? Looks like Bitchelle is shtupping that Buchanan guy from Division, and Soul Patch doesn't take that so well. Lispy Skip's upset to hear that he's going to have to throw a funeral for his mom without actually burying her, so he screws something up and Potato Face takes the blame for it. Just because, I guess. President Keeler wants to address the nation before the 11:00 news, apparently heedless of the fact that it's already after 11:00 in three time zones. He bonds over his speech with his bland son, who also doesn't own a watch. Kiefer follows a lead to the apartment of Poor Man's Eric Stoltz, where NotMandy, posing as an FBI agent, is looking for an incriminating hard drive. The hard drive is found, Kiefer takes out NotMandy, and then he and CTU figure out that Poor Man's Eric Stoltz is stealing a stealth fighter. And that the most likely target is Air Force One, which is coming to Los Angeles for some reason. As Poor Man's Eric Stoltz closes in on the president's plane, Kiefer gets in touch and tries to talk him down, but even a cockpit chock-full o' Velvet isn't enough to deter the pilot from his mission. The episode ends with a pretty cool midair explosion, but to see what happens to Air Force One, we'll have to wait until week. Or maybe just the preview for week. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on 24: ImhoTerror held Kiefer prisoner so they could trash-talk each other face-to-face. ImhoTerror left Kiefer alone to mess with some exposed phone wires, in keeping with this season's motif of thwarting the villains with their own utilities. ImhoTerror offered a prisoner exchange -- Kiefer for TerrorTeen -- in order to distract CTU from his plan involving a military pilot. Bitchelle introduced CTU to a guy from Division named Buchanan. The prisoner exchange went ahead, and Kiefer notified CTU about his sabotage, which allowed them to remotely locate the ImHideout. With the help of the phone company, of course. Meanwhile, Poor Man's Eric Stoltz fraudulently closed out the trouble ticket on his plane and prepared for takeoff. Those previouslies so did not need to be two minutes long. Do you suppose they pad them to that length regardless of whether there's two minutes of stuff we need to know? In any case, that's two minutes of actual episode I don't have to recap, so I shouldn't complain. The following takes place between 10:00 PM and 11:00 PM.
Soul Patch and Bitchelle are making their report via videoconference to President Keeler, explaining that the tracking devices they planted on TerrorTeen are no longer working, which means they can't find him. It also doesn't look like a camera crew will be able to find him either, since TerrorTeen doesn't appear in this episode at all. For that matter, the only "regular" cast members left in the opening credits are Kiefer and Kim Raver. Driscoll's gone, DaD's finally been driven away by his irritating DoDder, Curtis is presumably following TerrorTeen's abductors all the way to Portland or something, and Special Agent Breck went and got herself Bitchelle-slapped right out the door. But back to Soul Patch and Bitchelle, the former of whom has apparently spent the previouslies finding and donning a CTU jacket over his T-shirt. He must have felt a little underdressed for a meeting with the Prez. He goes on to explain that Kiefer tagged the location of the ImHideout and teams are on their way to raid it. "I want ImhoTerror found. Now," Keeler says. Jeez, what did they just get done telling you? Keeler goes on: "I've asked Secret Service to secure a landing site so I can be on the ground to address the nation before the 11:00 news." Uh, good luck with that, what with it being after 11:00 in three time zones. But feel free to address the West Coast. Rather than pointing to a clock, Soul Patch says he thinks Keeler's safer in the air. Think he'll regret that comment later? Keeler points out, "I've been flying for twenty hours. The American people need to hear from me now." Not sure how those two statements are connected, unless he wants to warn the nation about the dangers of deep vein thrombosis. Bitchelle suggests that Keeler make his address from Air Force One. Which is something he's already done today, although she doesn't mention that. Keeler says, "I appreciate your concern, but I'm going to give my speech when I get to Los Angeles."
Wait, since when is Keeler going to Los Angeles? As of this morning he wanted DaD back in D.C. tonight, so that couldn't have been his original plan. So instead, head to L.A., where the terrorists are at large? And when did his plan change? And more to the point, how did ImhoTerror know it would change, and when, and with such precision that it played right into a part of his plan that must have taken months to organize? Keeler signs off before we can ask him any of these questions. Soul Patch tells Bitchelle that Kiefer's teams should be in place at the ImHideout shortly.
A CTUmobile pulls up to another group of official vehicles and Kiefer pops out of one, totally recovered from his beating, his self-inflicted stab wound, his collision with a speeding car, and the bullet that hit his vest today. He's calling CTU. He's pleasantly surprised to hear Potato Face on the other end of the line. I'm surprised he finds it pleasant. They talk about how everything's set up for the impending raid -- strike teams, surveillance satellites, et cetera -- and he asks what's up with his true love back at CTU, by which I of course mean Grayadder. Potato Face says he just got out of surgery. "I'm glad to have you back. We're going to need your help," Kiefer ass-kisses, then asks Potato Face to transfer him to DoDder.
DoDder and her paper coffee cup are hanging around in the hallway outside the CTU clinic when Potato Face rings through to her cell phone and tells her Kiefer's on the line. DoDder hesitates before agreeing to take the call, so Potato Face basically transfers it cold. Kiefer's first question is, of course, about his wounded boyfriend. "They say he's going to make it," says DoDder. "I'm waiting to talk to the doctor." Kiefer says he knows they have to talk about "how I handled everything with Grayadder." "Yeah, we do," DoDder bitchily says to the guy who not twelve hours ago ran into a building full of terrorists by himself, minutes before it was due to be blown up, so he could save her narrow ass. Upon hearing Kiefer's about to go in after ImhoTerror, she neutrally says, "Be careful." Kiefer promises to call her afterward, which earns him a "Yeah. Right." He hangs up and does one of those nonplussed huffs he does -- you know, that sort of mirthless laugh that's basically a sharp exhalation, roughly translatable as "Even I can't believe how ridiculous my life is sometimes" -- then looks through the chain link fence in the direction of where he's shortly going to be risking his life. Again. Be careful in there, Kiefer. Grayadder's waiting for you.
At CTU, Buchanan, Soul Patch, and Bitchelle discuss the impending raid. Potato Face chimes in that the infrared scan indicates eight "hostiles" in the ImHideout, and although they don't know for sure whether ImhoTerror is one of them, they know he was there twenty-five minutes ago when Kiefer left. Considering they're talking about a guy who's already weaseled through one CTU perimeter today, that's barely even relevant.
But he's still there now, carping over the phone about a hard drive that he doesn't want discovered by the Americans. At the other end of the line is NotMandy, all defensive because she's been looking for that hard drive in some apartment for an hour and hasn't found it. ImhoTerror insists it's there, because Aziz said he'd hidden a backup copy at his place, but Aziz was killed before he could tell ImhoTerror exactly where. Don't worry if you can't remember who Aziz is, because I can't either. Nor can I find any record of a speaking role with that name during this season. Could be any one of the many nameless terrorists we've seen killed, I suppose. It's not like there's a shortage of them. NotMandy suggests that ImhoTerror get in touch with Aziz's roommate: Poor Man's Eric Stoltz. Well, how conveeeenient.
It's 10:06:02, and the stolen stealth fighter is just leaving the ground at some isolated Air Force base that's surrounded by mountains, but is still less than a half hour away from wherever in Los Angeles Poor Man's Eric Stoltz met up with ImhoTerror. Man, the only thing that scene accomplished was to fuck up the timeline. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz converses briefly with the control tower, which doesn't appear to find anything amiss. Even when Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's jacked-up in-flight cell phone/walkie-talkie thingy rings and he picks it up, saying, "I'm in the air. I should reach the target in 45 minutes." "Target!? What target?" says nobody at the control tower. ImhoTerror asks Poor Man's Eric Stoltz about his roommate's hidden hard drive, but Poor Man's Eric Stoltz doesn't know anything about it. As ImhoTerror is on the phone, he paces past the spot where he had Kiefer chained to the wall. And, in turn, past the exposed phone wires which are still sparking sporadically. ImhoTerror hangs up and leans in for a closer look, then backs off, looking around wide-eyed. Okay, I'm pretty much overlooking all of the stealth-fighter-related implausibilities in this episode that were pointed out by the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters -- the fact that they don't generally carry air-to-air missiles, are not completely invisible at close range, give away their position when they "paint" a target with active radar, and are slower than a 747 -- but I can't let this go, especially now that it's a plot point rather than an exaggerated effect to clue in the audience: Phone lines don't spark. To prove it, I went down to my basement, stripped a couple of phone wires bare, and stuck them in my mouth, and all that happened is that now phone solicitors bug me telepathically. But ImhoTerror, instead of wondering why his phone lines carry enough juice to allow him to make calls to the damn future, seems to figure out that this is something Kiefer did to give away his position. Which means it's time to go. But rather than ordering an evacuation, he walks right past his minions working around him. He reaches into a hidden junction box, where he flips a switch that lights up a bunch of red LEDs. Then he takes out a small garage-door opener remote and takes it away with him.
And then the goons who took TerrorTeen show up with the kid. No, actually, they don't, and they never do. There's no reason they shouldn't be back before CTU had time to find the place and get there, unless they drove in the opposite direction until they'd disabled the trackers. And they drove in that direction reallyreallyfast. It'll be interesting to see how they get TerrorTeen back in the story after this. If they do. They'll probably just meet up with ImhoTerror at the scheduled dark alley or abandoned building, acting like that was the plan all along. ["As annoyed as I tend to be when 24 storylines get dropped, I wouldn't have a problem with TerrorTeen getting Poochied right out of the season." -- Sars]
At CTU's staging area near the ImHideout, Kiefer gives last-minute instructions to Agent Castle. As he puts his communicator earpiece into place, he gets confirmation that explosive charges have already been set on the warehouse door. Good thing the ImHideout doesn't have any security features that might have thwarted this plan. Like, say, windows. Kiefer announces, "Gentlemen, we are a go," and hops into the shotgun seat of a CTU Humvee. The caravan is on the move, headed towards the warehouse at full speed. Kiefer's Hummer spearheads the charge while he cocks his gun and counts down to the order to blow the door. Were you able to get through that sentence without snickering? I also tried to work the word "thrust" in there, but it just came off too obvious.
A couple of minions are just standing around inside that door when it explodes extravagantly and Kiefer's Humvee blasts in through in a curtain of flame and splinters. The shooting starts almost immediately as Kiefer and the other agents pour out of their vehicles. ImhoTerror is seen running up a stairwell by himself. The IT minion orders his men to start deleting computer files. I now see that what I thought was a pair of suspenders last week is in fact a shoulder holster. As if IT people needed to be more scary. The shooting continues, and I'm pretty sure there are way more than eight bad guys in there. Kiefer hides behind a crate and readies his knife as an Uzi-bearing minion comes running towards him, unaware he's there. At the last moment he springs out, pushes the goon against the far wall, and gives him two quick, brutal knife-jabs that are enough to kill him quickly and silently. Kiefer turns, holding the body upright against the wall with his back as he switches back to his handgun, then moves on, leaving the body to slide to the floor. Not sure what the point of all that sneakiness was, but it was bad-ass.
The folks at CTU monitor the goings-on silently. Red flashes of gunfire sparkle on the green-tinted, infrared birds-eye view of the warehouse being displayed on the big screen. I'm not sure if that's how that would actually look. I could compare it to the night-vision shots on Survivor if that show had more firefights, but Mark Burnett has been ignoring that suggestion of mine since Season One.
Kiefer continues making his first-person-shooter way through the warehouse, taking guys out and eventually reaching the IT area. Between him and the CTU agents arriving at the flank, they manage to surround the bad guys and secure the space. Kiefer checks the corpses, saying, "ImhoTerror's not here. Notify the perimeter." Why? How would that affect the perimeter's life in any way? He goes to the IT minion's laptop, whose screen shows a multi-window display that includes a map of the U.S. with a red circle around Los Angeles and what are some art director's idea of flight vectors. "I can't stop this thing from deleting," he says. I don't know how he knows it's deleting in the first place, since there's no animated, eraser-wielding paper clip grinning at him from the monitor.
10:10:56. ImhoTerror climbs down a ladder on the warehouse's exterior. I notice he doesn't have any coffee for the perimeter guys, which is kind of rude. He extends the antenna on his little remote control and presses a button.
In the ImHideout's IT bay, Kiefer mutters, "It doesn't make sense." It's just that part of the season, Kiefer. An audible beeping starts up. He looks around, and notices the beeping, blinking red LED sticking out of the bottom of a lump stuck to the underside of another desk. It's either a wad of C-4 or the biggest chunk of ABC gum I've ever seen. ImhoTerror must have pressed the "arm" button, where "arm" = "give the good guys plenty of warning that you're about to blow them up." Kiefer yells at Castle, "This room is hot. Get your men out of here." Kiefer starts rushing agents towards the exit. Outside, ImhoTerror presses the second button on his remote control, and explosions blow up the desks as Kiefer and the others go flying. I think this would have been a good time for a commercial, but then I'm biased about such things.
Bitchelle shouts into her headset, demanding to know what just happened. Amid the debris, an unexploded Kiefer tells her that ImhoTerror's escaped (again) and that he blew up all of his hard drives to cover his tracks. Kiefer's "going off comm. If you want me, I'll be on my cell." He pulls out his earpiece without waiting for acknowledgement. Bitchelle orders Potato Face to get "data forensics" into the ImHideout and initiate a "hard target search" for ImhoTerror, who as we've seen is the hardest target ever. Potato Face scowls at her computer even more intensely than usual.
At the ImHideout, IT minion is still breathing. Kiefer runs to his side and hollers for a medic, unwisely ignoring the gun on the floor near the man's hand. Haven't you learned anything, Kiefer? "You can't stop it," IT minion gasps through a mouthful of blood. "Stop what?" Kiefer demands. "Within the hour," IT minion manages. Kiefer tries to get more, but those were IT minion's last words. Kiefer's left sitting on the floor amid this unholy mess, looking helpless. Hey, at least this dying guy didn't manage to shoot anyone. It's 10:12:27.
10:16:52. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz is still in the air, Kiefer's back on his feet, and DoDder's not. The doctor comes out to tell her that Grayadder's in recovery. The doctor fails to mention that before Grayadder was shot, he'd had the crap beaten out if him. "When we opened him up, we found no crap whatsoever," he doesn't say. Nor does he mention any electrical burns that may have been apparent. Nice to see the CTU clinic is as thorough as ever. Grayadder's stabilized, but one of the bullets did some spinal damage that has left him paralyzed from the waist down. DoDder doesn't ask if the paralysis could have been prevented by, say, spending more than two hours operating. Or by taking him to a real hospital. Instead she asks if it's permanent. The doctor says it's too early to tell, and that it might be weeks or months before they know for sure. The doctor isn't optimistic. "A lot depends on his attitude, his support system -- emotional as well as medical." Did you get that, DoDder? You realize what this means: you have to do the right thing and let Kiefer and Grayadder be together. DoDder looks through the glass wall of the room where Grayadder is already sitting up in bed, and asks, "Does he know?" The doctor says he just broke the news, and that he's sure Grayadder would like to see her. Ah, so he's new here.
She lets herself into Grayadder's room and asks for a private moment with the guy who shouldn't even be awake yet. "Oh, no, don't you even think of feeling sorry for me," Grayadder warns, promising he'll walk again. "I know you will," DoDder lies, and moves to his side. Turns out Grayadder did in fact want to see his true love, as we learn from his first question: "Where's Kiefer?" DoDder says Kiefer's out in the field. "He called a little while ago, wanted to know how you were doing." Grayadder's eyebrow-cocked expression doesn't change, but I think he's just hoping she won't notice that he's not paralyzed directly below the waist. "He knows that bullet was meant for him," DoDder adds. "I was just trying to push him out of the way." Grayadder confesses. "I didn't expect to get shot myself." DoDder tells him how brave he was, and starts kissing his hand while trying not to cry. Grayadder regards her silently. We cut away before he can ask, "Is Kiefer back yet? Now? How about now?"
Out on the floor, Soul Patch tells Bitchelle that the LAPD is widening its search for ImhoTerror, but are still striking out. Hard to believe, since nobody can seem to find him even when they know exactly where he is. Bitchelle frets, "Kiefer said something was going to happen within the hour. If we don't find ImhoTerror --" She's quickly cut off by Soul Patch, as well as the arrival of Buchanan, who wants to know if ImhoTerror is secured yet. Bitchelle has to tell him that ImhoTerror must have slipped through the perimeter. "How the hell could you let that happen?" Buchanan snaps. Hey, buddy, does she look like a perimeter to you? Bitchelle just looks at him guiltily while Soul Patch leaps to her defense and says they're doing everything they can to find ImhoTerror. Buchanan asks what that constitutes, and an uncharacteristically chastened Bitchelle runs through a litany of procedures that even to me sounds like a big steaming pile of nothing. Fortunately, Lispy Skip breaks into the conversation to notify them that Kiefer's on the line and he "thinks he's got something." Buchanan orders the call put on speaker.
It's 10:20:05. Kiefer's found an area of the ImHideout that was used to forge documents, and some of the papers survived the explosion. He's having Agent Castle -- who also survived the explosion -- upload them now so CTU can go through and cross-reference them with a watch list. Why is Castle doing this kind of busywork? Why not wake up one of the perimeter guards from his nap? Kiefer hangs up, telling them to get back to him if they find a match.
Lispy Skip is already firing up the facial recognition software as Bitchelle stands over him. While that's going on, Buchanan moves in to her and gets his close-talk on, apologizing for snapping. Bitchelle says it's okay, but her expression says, "Please stand further away from me, creepy old dude." Buchanan puts an affectionate hand on her shoulder, a gesture that doesn't go unobserved by Soul Patch from way across the floor. "Oh, snap," the music hisses. Bitchelle gets back to work. I guess I misread that look. It must have been saying, "Please stand further away from me, creepy old dude, when we're at work."
Soul Patch goes over to Potato Face to ask how long Buchanan's been at Division. Potato Face says, "I don't know. It took them a while to fill Chappelle's position." Yeah, I bet. I'd love to see that want ad: "Chosen candidate will supervise CTU Los Angeles, act as liaison between CTU and Division, get shot in the melon by a subordinate by order of the President of the United States, and other duties as assigned. Some travel." Potato Face guesses that Buchanan's been on the job for six months. Soul Patch asks where Buchanan was before that, and Potato Face says Seattle. "Seattle?" says Soul Patch. "Yeah, that's where Bitchelle was posted while you were in jail, right?" Potato Face bitchfaces. Way to cut right to the most unprovokedly assholish thing you could have said, lady. Soul Patch thanks her instead of smacking her, and moves off.
You'll never believe this, but Lispy Skip's facial recognition software has already got a match from one of those documents. And it's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's face that's resolving on his screen. Please. If law enforcement agencies could really make leaps like this that quickly, terrorists wouldn't bother. Hell, jaywalkers wouldn't bother. Bitchelle calls Kiefer to give him the bullet on Poor Man's Eric Stoltz. Here's what she tells him that we don't already know: he's on the FBI watch list, ex-military (not surprising), arrested for drug possession, spent time in military prison, dishonorably discharged (which I actually suspected) four years ago, and has been doing mercenary work around the world since then, although he came back to the U.S. last year. Bitchelle says that Poor Man's Eric Stoltz was "moved up the list" when the alert level was raised, and an FBI agent is on the way to check out his apartment right now for some reason. Kiefer wants more info on Poor Man's Eric Stoltz, including his address, as well as the number of the FBI agent who's on the way to his place. Bitchelle agrees and rings off.
It's 10:22:04 as a woman in a suit and short, dark, Bride-of-Kiefer-like hair knocks on the door of Apartment 2F. "FBI. I'm looking for Poor Man's Eric Stoltz," she calls. Some posters complained that the FBI blew it by only sending one agent to the apartment. I, on the other hand, don't know why they sent that many. Literally one minute ago, nobody had any clue that Poor Man's Eric Stoltz was connected to ImhoTerror at all. So with everything else going on today, the FBI has enough agents sitting around to send out to the homes of every person on its watch list, just in case? I think not. Inside the apartment, NotMandy slinks across the loft and vanishes from sight. The FBI Agent, who identifies herself as Agent Drake, knocks again and tries the door, which is unlocked. She draws her weapon and steps inside. Seeing nobody around, she pulls out her cell phone just before a silenced gunshot is heard and she goes down. NotMandy -- the person who just shot her, in case I'm not making that clear -- watches from her vantage point up in the loft as Agent Drake hits the floor. Then NotMandy goes downstairs to pick up the agent's cell phone, which is now ringing. She pulls out Drake's badge, reads it, and answers the phone: "Agent Drake."
It's Kiefer on the other end, and in the last fifty seconds he's gone from standing around in a blowed-up warehouse packed with fully-armored CTU tactical agents to driving along in a CTUmobile that comes fully equipped with a random, plain-clothed, soon-to-be-dead dude in the shotgun seat. Kiefer explains to NotMandy (who he of course doesn't realize is also NotAgentDrake) that he's investigating Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's connection to ImhoTerror. He'll meet her at PMES's apartment in about ten minutes. "I'll be here," NotMandy sex-voices, and hangs up. It's 10:23:32.
10:27:54. Keeler's still up in the air, ImhoTerror's still out in the cold, Poor Man's Eric Stoltz is also up in the air, and Lispy Skip is not. ImhoTerror's hiding in an alcove outside a building somewhere as a dark-colored van pulls into the alley and flashes its headlights. ImhoTerror scampers out and jumps into the back of the van. Nice perimeter, CTU. Maybe time you should all hold hands. As the van drives off, ImhoTerror makes a phone call: "We had a slight delay. I'm heading over there now." The man at the other end asks about Poor Man's Eric Stoltz, and ImhoTerror says that he's "in the air," on his way to the "target."
I surely don't know what this "target" might be, but on board Air Force One, Keeler is pretty unimpressed with the speech he's been handed. "This is one of the most traumatic days in the history of our country," he bitches. "What I want is a speech that's equal to the occasion." Keeler shoos his flunkies away, and asks them to send his son in. "Well, then, we'll have to land," none of them says, because it turns out that Spawn of POTUS is already on the plane. As Keeler gazes though a set of venetian blinds that must look out into a corridor or something, his son comes into the conference room, looking wholesome and twenty-something and all-American (read: bland) in his light-blue dress shirt and khakis. "Well," Keeler says ironically, "a quick trip to Mexico, a low-key state visit, and we finally have some time to spend together." I'd really like to see the flight plan this plane has been following. If we hadn't been seeing exterior shots of the plane, I'd assume it's been taxiing back to the States. The First Preppie says it's okay: "The press corps has been keeping me entertained." Sure, today they "entertain" you, tomorrow they're reporting gleefully about your arrest at Chuy's on Sixth Street in Austin for having a fake ID. Not that I followed that story at all. Keeler exposits that he's a widower. Hey, just like Andrew Shepherd. Oh, and Palmer, now that I think about it. Ah, good times. Keeler asks for his son's help with his speech that he'll be delivering "in about an hour." Just in time, I suppose, for the 11:00 news in Alaska. Keeler sucks up to his kid, then asks what he wants to hear the President say. "The truth," the First Preppie chirps. Keeler gets up to walk across the room and goes back to staring through the blinds. He begins, "We've been attacked by terrorists. Americans are dead. The man responsible is still at large, and we are by no means certain we can catch him before he strikes again. What happened earlier may be nothing compared to what happens ." He asks if he should say that. "I don't know," waffles the First Preppie. Keeler doesn't know either, but he has to say something. "You want me to help you figure it out?" his son asks. "Absolutely," Keeler nods with a smile. He hands the First Preppie the printout of the speech. Shut up, Keelers. Bond on your own time.
It's 10:31:40, and Kiefer and the Handsome Bald Agent he's commandeered have just arrived at Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's apartment building. Kiefer knocks on the door, which is still ajar, calling, "Agent Drake?" He and his Handsome, Bald, Not Black But Totally Doomed Anyway partner move into the apartment, guns drawn. There's a moment of sneaking around, and then NotMandy is there, pointing a gun at them through a cutaway in an interior wall. He yells at her to drop it. She asks if he's Kiefer, then demands to see his ID. "I don't have identification," he says. "I'm working with CTU on a provisional basis." Um, you were waving it around a few hours ago. Maybe ImhoTerror took it away. Handsome Bald Agent shows his own ID, saying Kiefer's with him. NotMandy holsters her gun. Actually, it's Agent Drake's service weapon. She's also wearing Agent Drake's suit now, which, lucky for her, is made of a dark material that doesn't show bullet holes and yet also prevents telltale blood from spilling onto the carpet. No idea where she stashed the body, but it doesn't matter. She tells Kiefer that the FBI intercepted a call saying that Poor Man's Eric Stoltz is in possession of computer files that could indicate ImhoTerror's target. The dialogue sounds kind of unconvincing in sex-voice, but Kiefer doesn't notice. He wants to know the source of the call, but NotMandy says they're still waiting for details. Kiefer looks around at the ransacked apartment and asks if she found it that way. NotMandy says she was looking for a backup copy of the files she just mentioned. Kiefer looks at her for a minute, wondering when the FBI got so sloppy, and then offers to help her look.
ImhoTerror's riding along in the back of his van when his cell phone rings. "Where are you?" he answers. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz reports that he's almost in position. "What's the problem?" asks ImhoTerror. "Is my cover in place?" Poor Man's Eric Stoltz whines. ImhoTerror gives his reassurances as Poor Man's Eric Stoltz tells him, "They have to believe I'm dead." Don't worry, Poor Man's Eric Stoltz. I'm sure everyone will believe you're dead after ImhoTerror kills you, the way he's killed everyone else who's worked with him. PMES frets, "Once this is done, the whole world is gonna be looking for me." Yeah, especially when they find the cockpit voice recorder. The stealth fighter streaks through the night sky, an angular black silhouette that's really easy to convincingly fake using CGI. It's 10:34:12.
10:38:34. Keeler smiles paternally at his son, who's impressing him by being able to read, while Poor Man's Eric Stoltz continues on his way and NotMandy continues searching his apartment. At CTU, Potato Face gets off the phone, saying, "I'll tell him." She heaves a sigh and heads over to Lispy Skip's desk to tell him, "I have some bad news." With uncharacteristic sensitivity, she offers to tell him someplace private, but he passes. She says she just got off the phone with someone at OSHA, who says they won't be able to enter the area where Lispy Skip's mom died for weeks, possibly months. "Why not?" Lispy Skip asks. Potato Face drops the caring façade and duhs, "Think about it. Half-life? Radiation?" At least MamaSkip will be well-preserved. Potato Face concludes that Lispy Skip is going to have to have a funeral without the body. Off his blank stare, she adds, "Of your mother." It's no "in the NECK," but it'll do. Lispy Skip says he can't deal with it right now because he's working on something for Bitchelle. Potato Face heads back to her desk, clearly affronted that her incredibly sensitive handling of this was so coldly rebuffed. Then she relents and turns back. "Do you want me to do that for you?" she asks. "No," says Skip softly. Back at her own computer, Potato Face shoots a concerned look at Skip, who's starting to get teary. Aw, Skip, it's okay. Potato Face is only back temporarily.
Soul Patch is bent over a computer, stealing glances at Buchanan and Bitchelle so he can be sure they're at least twenty yards apart at all times. She approaches Soul Patch to ask him to do something with the ImhoTerror search grid (might as well wipe his ass with it, for all the good it's doing). When she turns to go, he stops her, saying, "When were you planning on telling me?…About you and Buchanan?" Bitchelle looks more pissed off than busted, but not by much. "Never," she snaps, "because it's none of your business." She starts to leave again, but Soul Patch stops her again, wanting to know if she slept with Buchanan while they were still married. She denies it. "But you are now," he pushes. "Like I said," she repeats, "it's none of your business." This time he lets her go. Oh, Soul Patch. Righteous hypocrisy does not become you. And this problem is so easily solved. Just introduce Buchanan to your Skank and let things take their course.
Bitchelle descends upon Lispy Skip, looking for the updates he's working on. He says they're coming right up, and clatters on his keyboard. Because she doesn't have a job of her own to do, Potato Face is nosily watching what he's doing on her monitor. She notices something amiss. "What are you doing?" she mutters as Skip ejects a blue CD-ROM and gets ready to hand it to Bitchelle. She gets up and swoops in, telling Bitchelle she made some technobabble mistake. "Why would you do that?" Bitchelle complains. "It'll bring all our processors to a crawl." Potato Face says it was a mistake. "Well, fix it," Bitchelle snaps, and she and Potato Face stomp off in opposite directions. Skip follows Potato Face, asking why she covered for him: "You could have had your job back if you'd let me hand her the disk." Potato Face rounds on him and says, "I thought you had a lot on your mind." Yeah, he's concentrating really hard on forgetting about those hourly reports from the LAPD that he was so stressed about last episode. Good thing the hourlies only come in once a day, right? Potato Face leaves him standing there. I'm-a peel that Potato after all, he thinks.
10:42:16. NotMandy is sort of lurking around downstairs, pretending to look for the hard drive, and Kiefer is up in the loft, stealing looks at her that are more than a little suspicious. Ask for her ID, why don't you? Kiefer steps into a closet, which is more bad news for Grayadder. The Handsome Bald Agent returns from his canvass of the building, just as Kiefer finds the dry-cleaning bag that once contained Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's uniform, and still contains a much smaller plastic envelope. Kiefer pulls that out and looks at it while Handsome Bald Agent reports that he checked with the neighbors and the managers, who've raised no red flags. Kiefer steps to the balcony railing and shows the tiny bag to NotMandy, explaining that it's a three-month-old bag from a manufacturer of military decorations, even though Poor Man's Eric Stoltz was dishonorably discharged four years ago. "You think he's currently posing as military?" NotMandy asks, as if she didn't know. Kiefer thinks it's a possibility, and suggests they both report this to their respective agencies. They take out their phones, but NotMandy is of course faking.
Meanwhile, Handsome Bald Agent gets ready to plug in a laptop, and that's when we discover the first thing wrong with this otherwise awesome apartment: not enough electrical outlets. He has to push aside a dresser or something to get access to the nearest plug-in, but even then he's out of luck because the plug plate is swinging loose in its socket. Handsome Bald Agent gets out his little CSI flashlight to investigate, while NotMandy watches and continues to have her imaginary one-way conversation. Soon, he's revealed a secret compartment. NotMandy gets off the phone and Handsome Bald Agent shows her what he's found: an external hard drive. "That's good work," she says, then wraps her arm around his head and stabs him in the back of the neck. Man, again with that. That looks painful. But, in this case, silent. NotMandy quietly puts down her knife and the Handsome Bald Corpse, then sticks the hard drive in her waistband and draws Agent Drake's gun.
Upstairs, Kiefer notices how quiet it's suddenly gotten down there, and he draws his own gun. He steals a peek downstairs and spots his Handsome Bald Dead Partner, then ducks back into hiding. NotMandy is making her way to the bottom of the stairs while the music is going all wind-caves on us. He breaks cover and yells at her, "Drop the weapon!" Instead, she fires at him twice, but misses. He returns fire, and she takes "cover" behind a column. Sadly, it's shitty cover, because Kiefer puts four rounds right through the drywall and she sinks to the floor. time, NotMandy, perhaps you should remember to hide behind things that actually stop bullets. The only thing that would be better is if Kiefer's shots shattered the column entirely, and the body of Agent Drake in NotMandy's clothes fell to the floor from where NotMandy walled her up in under ten minutes.
Kiefer recovers the hard drive from NotMandy's body, then plugs it into Handsome Dead Agent's laptop and fires it up. Kiefer doesn't bother with the AC adaptor, of course. It boots instantly, but all he gets is a list of files flagged "LOCKED." It's 10:46:47. He gets out his cell phone to call Lispy Skip. He tells Skip what just happened, and that CTU needs to send more guys and start a full investigation of Poor Man's Eric Stoltz. Skip offers to let Kiefer tell that to the bosses himself, but first Kiefer needs help getting into these locked files. Skip, apparently using some manufacturer-installed backdoor whose specifics he knows from memory, walks Kiefer through the procedures to open the files on the drive. Multiple images of a stealth fighter start spawning on the screen in front of Kiefer, one on top of the other. "Oh, my God," he breathes. He tells Lispy Skip he needs to talk to Bitchelle or Soul Patch now. Skip obligingly flags down Bitchelle, who puts him on speaker. Kiefer tells her, Soul Patch, and Buchanan, "I believe Poor Man's Eric Stoltz is trying to steal a stealth fighter." Way to keep up, Kiefer. I liked it better when we didn't know what the bad guys were planning before he did. It's 10:48:23.
10:52:52. Bitchelle is hovering over some CTU flunky; Kiefer is back on the road (apparently having left Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's apartment unsecured, unless more backup agents arrived within four minutes); stealth bomber images are still popping up; and Poor Man's Eric Stoltz is still flying the real thing. Kiefer calls CTU to say he's on his way in and asks whether there's any info from the Air Force. Soul Patch says that a stealth fighter did indeed take off on a scheduled mission forty minutes ago (although he doesn't say from which base). The pilot did not call in on schedule like he was supposed to, and all attempts to contact him have failed. Bitchelle's there as well by this point. Kiefer says they have to assume that Poor Man's Eric Stoltz is the stick man, and they need to come up with a list of possible targets. Soul Patch is already starting on it when Bitchelle says, "Wait. Air Force One is on its way to L.A." Kiefer has Soul Patch check the ETA: "11:00 PM." Which should mean it's on final descent now, right? But Kiefer says, "Oh, my God. They're going after the president." "I'll call Air Force One," says Bitchelle, and scampers off. Kiefer tells Soul Patch to get him the recall frequency for the stealth fighter's squadron, and to send PMES's bio to Kiefer's screen. And that Buchanan needs to notify the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "And tell Grayadder I love him."
Keeler is congratulating his son on how helpful he's been with the speech. The writers can have him say that, because we'll never get to hear it. They're interrupted by one of Keeler's flunkies -- that same guy from earlier in the season who I suspected is from the Washington Post -- who hands him a phone. "Mr. President," Bitchelle says to POTUS, "we have reason to believe that a stealth fighter has been stolen by terrorists and is in your airspace as we speak." Keeler calmly says he's due to land and about to address the country (or at least Hawaii), and wants to know how sure they are. Bitchelle says it's a near-certainty, and that she's informed Air Force One's pilot that they're clear to land in Palm Springs. Keeler pooh-poohs that his fighter escort should be able to protect his plane, but Bitchelle points out that it's a stealth plane and could be on them before his escort has time to react. Keeler wants to know how long before they're found. Bitchelle admits she doesn't know, but points out that "the radar signature of a 747 and four fighter planes is unmistakable." "You're telling me that this stolen stealth plane will attempt to shoot me down," Keeler says, while the First Preppie looks sad in the background. Yeah, bummer when people are trying to kill your dad. By blowing up the plane that you're also on, idiot. "I see," says Keeler, and hangs up. Keeler tells his son that the plane may be under attack. "We're going to take some precautions." I'm sure the First Preppie will be glad to hear about all the countermeasures available to Air Force One: evasive action, chaff to confuse a missile's guidance systems, an emergency dive, a tighter escort formation, et cetera. So Keeler says to his flunky, "Get me the Vice President on the phone." Oh, that kind of precaution. Gulp.
10:55:35. As requested, Soul Patch is forwarding Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's bio to Kiefer. The guy has dead parents and a sister named Alicia, with whom he lived for a number of years, so "they might be close." Kiefer asks if there's record of any recent contact with her, and Soul Patch offers to check, but Kiefer says there's no time. He just wants to get patched through to Poor Man's Eric Stoltz.
Potato Face, meanwhile, has plugged into an Air Traffic Control radar screen which shows Air Force One, surrounded by its five fighter escorts. It looks nothing like what we saw in Pushing Tin. She reports that AF1 is descending through 20,000 feet and due to touch down in nine minutes. Just in time for the president to address Guam. Bitchelle asks her if there's any sign of the stealth aircraft. Well, there wouldn't be, would there? When Potato Face answers in the negative, Bitchelle says hopefully, "Maybe it's not there." "It's there," says Potato Face. "We just can't see it. We're being beaten by our own technology." Again.
Soul Patch tells Kiefer that he'll be patched through to Poor Man's Eric Stoltz by pressing the "intercom" button on his cell phone. My cell phone doesn't have an intercom button. But apparently Kiefer's does. He presses it.
Up in the stealth fighter, Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's radar screen tells him he's twenty miles from his target. Just then, Kiefer's voice fills the cockpit. Or the helmet. In any case, it's Full Velvet Immersion at 20,000 feet. Kiefer's addressing Poor Man's Eric Stoltz by name and his former rank of captain, trying to get him to respond. He identifies himself. "We know who you are. We know what you're trying to do." He says that nothing Poor Man's Eric Stoltz has done so far can't be undone. Except for all those people he killed, but Kiefer doesn't know about them. He says that all PMES has to do is "change your vector to heading 115 southeast. That'll put you on a fast track to Edwards Air Force Base." So…Kiefer has that Air Traffic Control screen in his car, too? By the way, my closed-captioning says Andrews Air Force Base, which is in Maryland, so that would have to be a very fast track indeed. Kiefer continues: "Once you touch down, then we can discuss how you want to handle this." Poor Man's Eric Stoltz still isn't talking. Kiefer tries a new sucking-up method, complimenting PMES's service record and decorations. "What happened to you?" he asks. "Explain it to me." Poor Man's Eric Stoltz unhooks his oxygen mask so we can all see his anguish. He fails to suffocate. Kiefer: "Because what you're trying to do right now, I don't think that's who you are. I don't think that's how you want to be remembered." Target range is ten miles, 74 seconds after the 20-mile reading, which pegs PMES's speed relative to Air Force One at 487 miles per hour. How am I supposed to nitpick that if I don't know from which direction he's approaching?
Ten miles away, Keeler is exhorting his jowly, milquetoast-looking Vice President over the phone to "stay the course. If the worst happens, think of me as a casualty of war. Pick up the torch and move forward." Nice of him to let his son listen in to this heroic crap about what the Veep should do after both Keelers are dead. The Veep nervously agrees, and Keeler hangs up. It's 10:58:02. Keeler's flunky comes back in with word that CTU is in contact with Poor Man's Eric Stoltz. "Patch it through," says the Prez, and the flunky hits a button on the speakerphone. Now they too can hear Kiefer's voice, offering to let Poor Man's Eric Stoltz talk to his sister, who they have on the line. Instead, Poor Man's Eric Stoltz hits a button on his control panel, cutting off the call. Oops. Damn, if only CTU had a dedicated, full-time crisis negotiator on staff. Maybe they had to eliminate that position to buy more torture drugs. Kiefer panics and asks Potato Face for an override channel. She says there's nothing they can do. "Dammit!" says Kiefer.
The target range is five miles, and Poor Man's Eric Stoltz now has a missile locked on target. Which, as more than one poster pointed out, should be more than enough to give him away. But there's only a minute or so left in the show, so he's fine.
There's a sweeping external shot of Air Force One flying straight and level over the cloud cover, not crash-diving or banking or corkscrewing in any way, presenting a target as challenging as a cruise ship. The shot's too tight to reveal any surrounding fighters, as is the budget. Inside the plane, the First Preppie gets up from the chair where he's been sitting for the last half hour and tells his dad, "I'm scared." They share an embrace. So they're not even bothering to employ the countermeasures you'll find on any aircraft, from Air Force One to some commuter plane that belongs to Buddy Holly Airlines. I'm speaking, of course, of seatbelts. Or even seats, for that matter.
If you're waiting for an end-of-episode split screen, there ain't one. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz launches a missile, but we only see it as a radar blip. Potato Face says, "Oh my God," as the missile's blip on her screen streaks towards the blip of the escort fighter at Air Force One's eight-o-clock.
A blipvert of the interior of Air Force One shows light from a roaring explosion outside the plane flooding through the cabin windows, while Keeler stands cross-armed and stone-faced. This looked cooler the first time through. It lasts all of ten frames, but they could have at least had the guy start to look alarmed.
All is silence at CTU. Potato Face's radar screen only shows the missile's track into the area where it detonated. There's nothing but an indistinct blur of light there now. "Was Air Force One just hit?" Kiefer bellows into his phone. Potato Face is waiting for word. She finally speaks: "Escort pilots report…Air Force One has suffered an indirect hit by an air-to-air missile. Pieces are falling to the ground over the desert." Kiefer's lips give a barely perceptible tremble as he lets the phone drop from his ear. His eyes are wide in shock and devastation. No way is he going to have a job in the Veep's administration after this. It's 11:00:00.
week on 24: Air Force One is down, and Poor Man's Hume Cronyn is back! I don't know which is more shocking. And the football's in play. What football? That football. You know, the football. Brr.