Day Three: 6:00 AM -- 7:00 AM

I had a dream the other night that I was fleeing from an angry Kiefer. I kept tripping, as one does in dreams, and it turned out I was wearing these huge shoes. They had "PROPERTY OF GUSTAVE" written on them. What do you suppose that's about? In other news (using the term loosely), due to some graphic violence, viewer discretion is advised. And a shout out to MNE for the recap title.

Previously on 24: Bitchelle told Soul Patch over the phone that the poor doomed bastards at Inn Fection shouldn't have to die like Gael did. Soul Patch broke out CTU's supply of suicide capsules, with Chappelle's blessing. Kiefer and Special Agent Charlie Brown got shot at by a helicopter. Kiefer retrieved a hard drive full of juicy Saunders-related info just before MI-6's Los Angeles office blew up around him. Chappelle followed a money trail. Saunders ordered Palmer to have Chappelle killed, or he'd release more of the V-I-R-U-S that's wreaking havoc at Inn Fection. Thank God for those previouslies. This is the first episode I've watched all season and I feel completely up to speed. The following takes place between 6:00 AM and 7:00 AM.

In a conference room, Palmer and Brother Palmer argue about whether Palmer should order Chappelle's death, with Brother Palmer taking the "pro" side. Brother Palmer insists that sacrificing Chappelle is necessary to prevent the deaths of millions of people, many of whom are probably not weasels. Palmer says that in addition to having a moral issue with ordering a man killed, he isn't too keen on letting Saunders hold the country hostage indefinitely. Brother Palmer says that Saunders has proven that he's willing to carry out his threats, and they have to do what he says until they catch him. So we're talking, like, seven hours, max. Don't be such a baby, Palmer.

CTU. Kiefer walks into Chappelle's conference room/remote office setup and they debrief (yay!) each other on what they're doing to find Saunders. Kiefer has the IT lab searching the hard drive he got from MI-6, and Chappelle is still following the money trail. Potato Face comes in looking like she's expecting a smack upside the head and tells Kiefer he's got a call from Palmer, who wants to speak to Kiefer "in private," which in this case apparently means "in the middle of the CTU floor." Kiefer takes the call on some random phone. While Brother Palmer watches from the room, Palmer tells Kiefer about Saunders's demand that Chappelle's body be delivered to "the train yard downtown" by 7:00. Kiefer's confused as to why Saunders has suddenly come over to his side. No, wait -- Kiefer seems to think this is bad news. Instead of capping his boss on the spot and hitting the road like many, many, many people would do in this situation, Kiefer expresses the hope that they can find Saunders before the deadline expires, but Palmer is doubtful. Palmer never exactly says the words "Kiefer, kill Chappelle," but his meaning is clear: he needs Kiefer to handle this one way or the other. They hang up. I'm thinking that Saunders seems like a fellow who would be prepared enough to have people in place to release the V-I-R-U-S even if he does get collared, but perhaps I'm complicating things too much. Kiefer lassos Potato Face as she's shlumping by and tells her to drop what she's doing so she can search for clues to Saunders's whereabouts in the financial records. Potato Face wants to clear it with Chappelle first, but Kiefer nixes that. Potato Face balks: "Chappelle's mad at me for, like, twelve things. I'm not going to add that to the list." Heh. Kiefer busts out the velvet, and Potato Face folds. Obviously he can't tell her that the project he's giving her is necessary to save Chappelle's life, because if he dies that's twelve fewer things that somebody's mad at her about.

Inn Fection. Hazmaticians are herding bloody-faced hotel guests behind a plastic curtain and into an isolation area while Bitchelle's on the phone with Soul Patch. He promises that the suicide capsules will be there soon. I guess that means they're not having Health Services drive them over. Bitchelle tries to bring up her poor chances of appearing in Season Four, but Soul Patch doesn't want to hear it. They have a little moment -- Bitchelle even says "sweetheart" -- and then they disconnect and spend a few seconds struggling not to lose their respective shit. At CTU, Kiefer comes up to Soul Patch and asks whether Bitchelle's test results are back, but we won't know whether she's caught the V-I-R-U-S for another hour -- excuse me, "until week" -- excuse me again, "until Tuesday." I guess it's too much to ask that the test for a deadly virus burn up less than ten percent of a victim's life expectancy.

Kiefer gets to the real reason he wants to talk to Soul Patch: Saunders's order for Chappelle's execution. Soul Patch is also baffled at this development. Kiefer says he doesn't know what he's going to do if he doesn't find Saunders by 7:00. My suggestion is to think back to about twelve hours ago when Chappelle was trying to get Kiefer shot out of the sky, but apparently I lack the forgiving and compassionate nature of Jack Bauer. Soul Patch seems to be more worried about what this means for Kiefer than for Chappelle. He asks whether Kiefer has told Chappelle yet; when Kiefer answers in the negative, Soul Patch says he'll change Chappelle's security clearance first. Kiefer seems surprised that Soul Patch thinks Chappelle might bail, but I think that's because he wasn't around when Soul Patch tried unsuccessfully to stop Mason from leaving the office at the beginning of Season Two. Fool Soul Patch twice, shame on him. Kiefer has Soul Patch put all his people on the search for Saunders, telling him they don't need to know what's going on. I don't know why he wants to keep the threat against Chappelle quiet, unless it's to prevent a run on the coffee machine when everybody decides to take a break at the same time.

Out on the floor, Chappelle catches up with Kiefer and asks him what Palmer wanted. Kiefer leads him into the conference room and closes the door just as the clock briefly pops up showing 6:09:21, lest we think we're about to hear the same information for the fourth time in nine minutes. We only hear it the fourth time in ten minutes. Kiefer doesn't mince words: "[Saunders] wants you killed." Chappelle is just as flummoxed about this as everyone else, but he seems to take it a little more personally. Go figure. He asks Kiefer, "Is Palmer actually going along with this?" Kiefer says nothing. When Kiefer says nothing, it's usually bad, and he does it twice in this conversation. Kiefer asks Chappelle if he has any connection with Saunders, but Chappelle insists that he's never heard of Saunders before today. They argue. Chappelle reminds Kiefer that he hasn't been able to trace anything to Saunders, but Kiefer insists that the fact that Saunders wants Chappelle dead proves that he's getting too close. Kiefer gets to the point: "Finding Saunders in time is the only way to keep you alive." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a theme. I should mention that Kiefer hasn't bothered to take off his flak jacket since returning to the office. I suppose if you're going to wear a bulletproof vest into a meeting with your boss, this would be that meeting. Kiefer finally gets Chappelle to sit down at his computer and start sending data to Potato Face. As Chappelle does so, Kiefer puts a comforting hand on Chappelle's shoulder and says, "I'm sorry, Ryan. Let's find this guy." Kiefer leaves Chappelle alone so he can discreetly close that solitaire game he has running in a minimized window. The time is 6:11:28.

At 6:15:53, Chappelle scowls at his monitor while more Inn Fection guests go into quarantine. Kiefer comes back into Chappelle's office just as Chappelle succeeds in opening some Saunders-related document that turns out to be encrypted. Kiefer tells him to send it to Potato Face for decryption, but Chappelle decides that there's no time for that and he'd rather freak, thanks. "This is it, Kiefer, don't you understand?" Kiefer says nothing. Stop doing that, Kiefer. It's not helping, and it gives Chappelle an opening: "Of course you understand. You're the one who's going to kill me." Instead of saying, "So now is good for you, then?" Kiefer talks him down, sort of, and Chappelle forwards the encrypted file to Potato Face.

It's 6:17:12 at Inn Fection, and the quarantine area is getting more and more crowded. It's standing room only in there, literally, which is going to make things pretty uncomfortable when people start keeling over. How about some beds for the sick people? Bitchelle watches each victim getting herded inside. The one is Gay Matt, blood pouring from his nose down his face and onto his shirt. Bitchelle looks crushed at the sight of him. Gay Matt quietly begs Bitchelle to let him call his wife. I'm still calling him Gay Matt. Bitchelle apologetically refuses, explaining that they're still under orders to keep this quiet to avoid a panic. Gay Matt promises not to tell his wife anything; he just wants to hear her voice. Bitchelle looks like she's about to break down, or maybe she's thinking about how she gets to keep in touch with her hubby, but she shuts Gay Matt down anyway. He gets led into quarantine while she tries not to crack. And now it's time for her little announcement. She turns to address the victims, and the camera shoots her through the plastic sheeting so her features are blurred. She explains that once symptoms of the V-I-R-U-S appear, there's no chance of recovery, that death will be extremely painful, and that the estimated time of death is some time before the season finale. She tells them about the suicide capsules that are on the way: "Some pills that will basically make you feel like you're going to sleep." Yes, that's just the thing for an agent who only has seconds to avoid capture and torture: going to sleep. Those must come in handy. Bitchelle explains that it's up to each of them to decide when and if they want to take the pills. We see the quietly sobbing victims from her point of view, again through the plastic sheeting. Yes, we get it. Through a glass darkly and all that shit. Bitchelle wraps up her little speech with a businesslike "Thank you." Surprisingly, nobody says, "Thank you." Bitchelle walks off, almost completely wrecked, but she doesn't have more than a second or two to be wrecked before a hazmatician comes up to her and tells her that one of the guests appears to be missing. Apparently, a woman has lost track of the guy she was with.

Bitchelle finds said woman in the lobby. She's a sad-looking redhead named Kathy who tells Bitchelle she met some guy at a club on Hill earlier tonight. All she knows about him is his name -- Bill -- and some stuff about his penis, but she doesn't share that last part. When the fire alarm woke her up, Bill from Hill was gone, even though he was still there when she fell asleep exactly at 4:02. It's always a good idea to look at the clock immediately before you go to sleep, you know, in case you wake up to a federal agent who wants to know what time it was. This guy's not anywhere in the hotel, and the room was booked in Kathy's name, so they have no idea how to locate this Typhoid Leisure Suit Larry who's running around and rendering their quarantine moot. Bitchelle orders a hazmat-less agent named Miller to dust the hotel room for fingerprints. He points out that it's a hotel room, and there will be dozens of prints there. Nice try, dude, but I still don't think Bitchelle is going to let you dust Kathy's boobs. Bitchelle tells Kathy to come with her up to the room: "You need to show me every surface that Bill may have touched." Jeez, Bitchelle, aren't we supposed to be in a hurry? Just strip Kathy naked in the lobby, would you? Lives are at stake here.

6:21:26, CTU. Soul Patch notifies Kiefer that Special Agent Charlie Brown has a strike team ready to go as soon as they know where Saunders is, and that Soul Patch has arranged a chopper to ferry Chappelle to the train yard: "We can't afford to be slowed down by rush-hour traffic." I'm sure Chappelle feels the same way. And can I just say how marvelous it is that the first time this show acknowledges Los Angeles traffic, it's because it threatens their chances of killing the boss in time? Potato Face calls Kiefer over and tells him it might be ninety minutes before she can crack the encryption, which Kiefer is none too impressed with. Potato Face says, "I'm doing my very best. Your tone of voice isn't exactly a morale booster." Potato Face obviously doesn't spend much time on the boards. Kiefer looks like he wishes her morale were in her ass so he could give it a boost with his foot, but he walks away instead. As some random blonde with a long bowl-cut steps up to help Potato Face in the background, Kiefer looks over to the glass-walled conference room where he left Chappelle. Which is now empty. As are all of the surrounding glass-walled offices. Whoopsie. "Oh, Ryan," Kiefer breathes. Every gay man in the world named Ryan now has a new Windows startup sound.

It's 6:22:36. Chappelle walks through the hallways alone. A uniformed security guard stops him and asks him to go back to the office. Chappelle tries to lay down a little rank-pulling smack, but the guard doesn't even pretend to be afraid of him. That's just sad. Just then, Kiefer appears from the office with two more uniforms behind him. Chappelle acts all offended at the implication that he might be trying to run: "I wouldn't condemn millions of people to death so I could live." Dude, you didn't feel that way eleven minutes ago. He claims he was just heading outside for a smoke break. Kiefer's not buying it, because in three years nobody on this show has had a chance to pee, let alone have a puff in the parking lot. He asks to see Chappelle's cigarettes. Chappelle just stands there until Kiefer invokes his presidentially-imparted authority and orders Chappelle to a holding room, escorted by the guards. This is one of those things they teach you in security guard school: everybody outranks the guy who's probably going to be dead by the end of your shift. Before he goes with the guards, Chappelle gives Kiefer a poisonous look and a pack of Camel Lights. Kiefer feels like a prick, but Chappelle's still going to the cooler instead of sucking a heater. It's 6:23:52.

The editors are way ahead of her, but it's not like it's hard; he's still in the bathroom, becoming increasingly freaked about his persistent nosebleed and clammy face. Mrs. Bill from Hill taps on the door: "Are you okay, William? You've been in there for a while." Yeah, over twenty minutes, going by the clock on the screen showing 6:54:33. She's awfully patient, considering she's been up for this long and hasn't had a chance to pee yet. Good thing she's a 24 character. Bill from Hill says he's got "some kind of bug," and Mrs. Bill from Hill offers to make him some tea. Bill from Hill declines, saying he has to go into the office for a staff meeting. Mrs. Bill from Hill retreats. You know, Mrs. Bill from Hill, I hear they're doing wonderful things with spines these days. Bill from Hill stares at himself in the mirror, thinking, What the fuck did that chick give me, anyway?

Kiefer and Chappelle are still sitting in the parked helicopter, staring into space and not saying a word. There are no obvious indications that they have spent any of the last seven minutes making out. A black van with no license plates pulls into view some distance away. Jack calls Adam at CTU and tells him to get a surveillance satellite pointed at his location so they can try to track the van when it leaves with Chappelle's body. Chappelle thinks, Good ide-- oh, wait, I won't care any more.

This is a tough scene right here, and both guys act the shit out of it. Kiefer says, "We have to go, Ryan," and slowly gets out of the helicopter. He walks around to Chappelle's side and opens the door for him. Chappelle doesn't move. "My legs are shaking," he confesses. Kiefer tells him, "I got you." He helps Chappelle out of the chopper and walks with him some distance off, but still in sight of the van. Kiefer offers Chappelle a moment to call someone. Chappelle says, "I have a brother I haven't spoken to in years. I don't have that many friends. Just people at work. So, no. No one." Which sucks for him, especially in light of his last exchange with Special Agent Charlie Brown, but we're almost out of time anyway. I don't know why Kiefer doesn't offer him one of his Camel Lights. Maybe he thinks it would be too clichd, or simply too incongruous if unaccessorized with a jaunty blindfold. Kiefer gently directs Chappelle to get on his knees, and steers him down with a hand on the shoulder. Chappelle asks Kiefer one last time whether there's an out. Sympathy is pouring off of Kiefer in waves, but he's out of ideas. He jacks a round into the chamber of his handgun as loudly as he possibly can.

Chappelle says, "Wait," just as a tear spills from one eye. He begs Kiefer to let him do it himself. Kiefer doesn't want to take the chance. Chappelle admits that he was indeed trying to flee earlier when Kiefer stopped him, but now he realizes what needs to happen and he only wants the dignity of taking his own life. He gives Kiefer his word that he won't run. Well, that word-giving thing always works for Kiefer, so he can't exactly say no to Chappelle now. He does something with his gun -- I assume he's taking out all of the bullets save one so Chappelle can't try to shoot his way out of this, but it's not at all clear since this particular moment is filmed from fifty yards away. In any case, Kiefer then hands the gun to Chappelle, who, still on his knees, puts the muzzle to his temple, screws up his face, musters all his courage, and finds it lacking. "I can't," he says. So much for dignity. "It's all right," Kiefer says. He takes the gun back and goes behind Chappelle again. He says, "I'm sorry we all let you down." Chappelle just shakes his head. Kiefer trains the weapon on Chappelle's bald spot, displaying a degree of tact by not pointing out that in ten seconds it won't be there any more. Kiefer says, "God forgive me." The camera is close on Kiefer's devastated face as he pulls the trigger. From fifty yards off, we see Chappelle's body flop forward onto the ground. Bye, Chappelle. You kind of sucked a little less towards the end there. A mournful train whistle is the only sound as the clock ticks silently to 7:00:00.

on 24: Spawn is asked to go undercover as Saunders's daughter. Oh, thank God. I was beginning to worry that this show had lost all of its silly.