Day Three: 10:00 PM -- 11:00 PM

Electric blue Kiefer promo, featuring shots of Palmer and Spawn. Due to some graphic violence, viewer discretion is advised. 24. Previouslys. Brother Palmer had an affair with some powerful billionaire's wife played by Gina Torres, and now this billionaire is asking Palmer to remove his brother from his staff. Palmer refuses, despite threats of repercussions. Soul Patch says lots of stuff about technology that I can't follow. PoorMan'sAngelinaJolie and her lips as big as all outdoors help out Special Agent Charlie Brown. Kiefer and the Salazars lose the V-I-R-U-S auction to Nina, and now Kiefer is reduced to begging for his life. The following takes place between 10:00 PM and 11:00 PM.

We open on a pair of hands. Bound hands. As in "my hands are tied, Gustave -- I can't let you recap America's Top Model because it's on at the exact same time as your current show, 24, so stop asking!" The camera pans down to reveal that these hands belong to Special Agent Charlie Brown, who is still being tortured by Ron Jeremy. An artful trail of blood seeps down Charlie's face as Ron Jeremy holds up a two-pronged fork-like object that looks like something that should be advertised in the Brookstone catalog as an Ionic Nose Picker. Ron presses a button, and these super-fake-looking blue flames shoot out of the prongs. Seriously, it looks like the special effects from some Saturday morning science fiction show for kids. Ron asks him if other agents are coming. Charlie refuses to answer. Ron lifts Charlie Brown's sweatshirt to reveal a tattoo that looks (to me) like the hammer and sickle from the Soviet flag. He applies the Ronco Ionic Nose Picker to Charlie's bare chest, causing him to shake it like a Polaroid picture.

Back at CTU, frantic xylophone music plays as all the major players except Kim are in a conference room, trying to find a way to reconnect with Kiefer. Adam the Woman Hater thinks he can use satellite technology to figure out Kiefer's new location, but according to Soul Patch, it will take too long to be useful. Just as everyone is starting to feel stumped, Crystal Gael's cell phone/palm pilot rings. According to caller ID, it's Hector, so Soul Patch orders everyone to go to work to find Hector's location by tracing the call. Potato Face and Adam the Woman Hater get on that while Bitchelle and Soul Patch hook up their earpieces so they can listen in. Crystal Gael picks up and, thinking quickly on his feet, tells Hector that he hasn't been able to call him lately because he's been at Division with the bureau chief and couldn't talk. Meanwhile, Hector has this look on his face like someone just told that the meatball sub he ate was made out of human excrement. "Ees something wrong?" Hector asks. "If there was, we wouldn't be having this conversation," says Crystal Gael smoothly. On Hector's side of the split screen, the camera pulls back a bit to reveal that Kiefer is in the same room as Hector and can hear what he's saying. "We have a problem," says Hector. "The seller double-crossed us. We have a second bidder." "A second bidder?" says Crystal Gael for the benefit of Soul Patch and Bitchelle, even though they can hear Hector's side of the conversation on their earpieces. "A woman named Nina Myers," says Hector, explaining about the auction and how they lost. At the mention of Nina's name, Bitchelle gasps and clutches her pearls. It's like Reiko Aylesworth herself is thinking, "Sarah Clarke's back? Shit, I thought that bitch was gone forever. I thought I was the sexy brunette of this show. They promised!"

Hector puts Kiefer on the phone. Kiefer gives Crystal Gael Amador's cell phone number and asks him to trace Amador's location so they can locate Nina Myers. Kiefer hands the phone back to Hector, who tells Gael about Special Agent Charlie Brown showing up. "You have him?" asks Gael. "Yes," says Hector. "Alive?" asks Gael. "Yes, alive," says Hector. He asks Gael if Charlie Brown came with backup. Gael replies that Charlie is in a different department and he doesn't have access to that information. Hector starts to lose it and demands that Gael get access. "What do we pay you for?" asks Hector. Gael replies that he might blow his own cover if he asks for said access. "The best bet is to keep Charlie Brown alive until we find out," says Gael craftily. They hang up, and Adam has Hector's location. Soul Patch tells Bitchelle to tell the Delta Units to "adjust their positions and wait for further orders."

Bitchelle exits, and Soul Patch follows her out onto the floor and stops at Spawn's desk, where Spawn is working all by herself -- like the kid with learning disabilities who has to have her own special tutor. You'd think that Soul Patch might be coming over to confront her about her accusations of his incompetence, but that seems to be all but forgotten. "We've found your father," says Soul Patch. "He's undercover with the Salazars. He's fine." Spawn breathes a sigh of relief like she just found out that Domino's will make an exception and deliver them a pizza that's half veggie and half Hawaiian. What she really wants to know about is her boyfriend. Soul Patch tells her that Special Agent Charlie Brown been captured. "Capturedisheokay?" asks Spawn. You know, Elisha? Commas and other punctuation, such as question marks and exclamation points, are usually an indication that you are to pause briefly in the middle of a sentence. What you really should be saying is, "Captured? [short pause] Is he okay?" You're welcome. Soul Patch can only tell Spawn that Charlie is alive, but the Salazars are "holding him." "What do you mean by 'holding him'?" asks Spawn. It means they're all giving him a big hug to welcome him to Mexico, Spawn -- what the fuck do you think it means? Soul Patch explains that they are probably interrogating him. Spawn's attention drifts to her computer screen, as though maybe a picture of a really cute puppy came up on her web browser. She turns back to Soul Patch, who is now probably thinking that she really is retarded, and thanks him for "not keeping" the news from her. He pauses at her desk some more. "Do you need anything else?" asks Spawn. "No," says Soul Patch. "Just making sure you're okay." As Soul Patch walks away from Spawn's desk, Bitchelle comes up behind him. "Did you tell her?" she asks. Soul Patch confirms that he told her about Special Agent Charlie Brown, but not Nina. "She doesn't need to know about that now."

Casa Abandoito. The jeep containing Kiefer, Hector, and Hartmano pulls up to their temporary quarters. The men get out, and Hartmano asks Kiefer how long it will take for Crystal Gael to trace Amador's phone. Kiefer says that the trace will take ten minutes. Hartmano then tells Hector to call their "client" and tell them there's going to be a delay. Everyone splits up to go do whatever it is they have to do. Little Sergio emerges from inside Casa Abandoito and catches up with Hector. "My sister says we're going," says Sergio. "She says she's taking me and my father away from here." Can I just ask what is up with people under the age of 21 in the 24-verse? They're all really dumb. Like, "box of rocks" dumb. And if they're not really dumb, they're really inconvenientlike Sergio is, right now. Like, I realize that Hector taught you how to shoot a gun a few hours ago and everything, but did you have to rat out your sister? Anyway, Hector is all, "Did she say when this would happen?" "Soon," answers Sergio. "But I don't want to leave you, Hector!" Hector promises Hector he'll never let that happen. He sends him back to bed and tells him not to mention this to anyone else.

Back inside Casa Abandoito, Kiefer finds himself alone with PoorMan'sAngelinaJolie, who is at the sink doing dishes. Jesus Christ, it's an abandoned farmhouse! Why the hell are you doing dishes? "How is Charlie?" asks Kiefer. "Holding on," answers PMAJ. Kiefer tells Angelina that the menfolk are going to pick up the V-I-R-U-S soon, and that she should use that opportunity to take her family and get out of there. They stop talking when Hector enters. Kiefer exits, but remains in earshot. With Sergio peering from behind some curtains, Hector confronts Angelina about what Sergio just told him. "You planning on going somewhere?" Angelina pretends to laugh this off. "He was being bad," she explains. "I told him I was taking him away from here. I was just trying to keep him in line." Hector believes her. Or at least pretends to. "He is a good boy," says Hector, having a laugh with Angelina. "Don't scare him like that." Hector leaves. Angelina heaves a big sigh of relief, making her lips even larger like a misogynist Picasso painting.

Back at CTU, Chappelle enters Soul Patch's office and tells him that he's just heard the news about them being back in touch with Kiefer. "How close are we to the V-I-R-U-S?" asks Chappelle. "We have the phone number of the seller," says Soul Patch, explaining how they are tracing Amador's phone so that Kiefer will be able to track him down. Chappelle tells Soul Patch that he'll "bring Division up to speed." "There's one more thing," says Soul Patch, telling Chappelle about Nina's role in the deal. "I thought we had her restricted to North Africa," says Chappelle, expositing the terms of Nina's exile pardon. "Apparently she slipped out," says Soul Patch. "Does Spawn know about this?" asks Chappelle. Why all the sudden concern for Spawn's feelings? From Chappelle, even? Soul Patch tells Chappelle that Spawn doesn't know about Nina, and he'd like to keep it that way. "Keep me updated," says Chappelle, exiting. Meanwhile, Bitchelle is gingerly climbing the stairs to Soul Patch's office. "I owe you an apology," she says, closing the glass doors behind her. Soul Patch tells her she doesn't. "If you felt that I wasn't fit to do my job," he says, "then you had a duty to report it. But you should know that I would never risk the effectiveness of this unit to prove how tough I am." She tries to explain further, but he cuts her off by taking a phone callwhich happens to be from someone downstairs requesting Bitchelle's presence on the floor. She stands there for a while, but she can't cut through Soul Patch's iciness. Finally she exits.

Meanwhile, over at Potato Face's desk, Potato Face is on the phone with someone who has just given her some bad news. "What do you mean you have to go?" asks Potato Face of the unseen caller. "Sarah, I can't just get up and leave. I am in the middle of a crisis right now." Unable to persuade "Sarah," Potato agrees to cooperate and slams the phone down.

Back in the shed behind Casa Abandoito, Ron Jeremy and a cohort of his have kicked it up a notch with the torture of Special Agent Charlie Brown. Because I guess they've tried everything up until this point: holding a football down on the ground for him to kick, only to remove it before his foot makes contact; giving Lucy five cents to play psychological games with him; ruining his kites, et cetera. Now they are just beating him in the abdomen with what looks like an axe handle. Hector enters and cuts the binding around his hands. They drag him over to a wall and slam him up against it. "CTU doesn't have any records of your travel plans," says Hector. "Did you come here by yourself?" Charlie Brown refuses to answer, so Hector takes out a gun and shoots it through Charlie's hand. Charlie screams in pain. "Keep at it," says Hector to Ron Jeremy as crazy zither music plays in the background. "If he doesn't crack soon, use gasoline." The time is 10:13:05 PM.

24 is brought to you tonight by Mazda. Mazda really needs to drop their "zoom zoom" ads. They're annoying, but they're not "tsk tsk tsk Wisk Wisk Wisk" annoying where you actually remember the product's name. At least they don't have that kid anymore. He bugged. Ads for movies that are being released in January and February, i.e. "movies that were thisclose to going straight to video." Sixteen million people come to "WebMD" every month. And most of them are hypochondriacs like me. Switch to Verizon wireless service or you might splatter paint on your wife by accident. Okay, what's with this IBM ad with the orphaned boy sitting in the Saarinen Tulip chair being adopted by "the world"? I don't get it.

The time is 10:17:30 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Soul Patch works at his desk, Kiefer does something intense, and Adam the Woman Hater and Crystal Gael stare at their computers. Back at Division, if that's where Palmer still is, Palmer is being briefed by that military-looking guy on the latest attempts by CTU to capture the V-I-R-U-S. Brother Palmer interrupts and asks to speak to Palmer alone. Military Guy leaves the room, and Brother Palmer tells Palmer that he just got off the phone with "Sullivan," who apparently is a congressman who is "pulling his vote" on a healthcare bill that Palmer is trying to get passed. "How many Senators have we lost?" asks Palmer. "Three," answers Brother Palmer. "All protgs of Milliken's." Okay, writers? You need to remember that you are writing plotlines for a real-time format. "Inside the legislative process" does not make for a good "real-time" plotline. Especially when it's almost 10:30 Pacific Time, making it 1:30 AM in Washington D.C., where this healthcare bill is supposedly being voted on. Yes, there are all sorts of ugly situations that happen behind the scenes when lawmaking happens. It's not like it's portrayed in Schoolhouse Rock. There are highly paid lobbyists, rich people who are owed favors, and all sorts of ugly situations that inspired that saying, "Crafting a piece of legislation is like is like making a sausage -- you really don't want to know exactly how they do it." However, it's not like some fat cat can call up every congressman and say "vote against Palmer" just because. It doesn't work that way. Also? Healthcare? Get your ass out of the Clinton administration, writers. This is not 1992.