Day Three: 5:00 PM -- 6:00 PM

There's a new "Kiefer Mambo" promo that's just like the old one, but it's got this red "Fox" logo interspersed throughout and breaking up the monochromatic cobalt blue thing they had going on. I'm guessing that this has something to do with the holidays approaching. No, it's not even Thanksgiving yet and already Christmas is everywhere. The Eggnog Lattes have been on sale at Starbucks for weeks now, and all of the stores have had their Christmas decorations up since Halloween. It's not my imagination; they are starting "Christmas" way earlier than usual. And thanks to the feature on my new TiVo that allows me to add a minute onto each end of the episodes that I record, I have to sit through the tail end of An American Idol Christmas. Kelly Clarkson is the grand finale. She's gained the weight back and let her streaks grow in. She's all in white singing Silent Night, and boy does this girl love Jesus. He was born on Christmas Day, you know.

24. Blip blip blip blip blip. Previouslys. Palmer and Dr. Anne are[yawn]. Excuse me, I totally fell asleep during that segment and I have a splinter on my finger which prevents me from hitting the rewind button and watching it again. Before my head hit the pillow, I thought I heard the word "trust" bandied about. Bitchelle's got quite a lot on her plate these daysI mean, "hours." She's waiting to hear if her husband is going to survive, and she's running CTU singlehandedly. Kyle and Linda, the Quaran-teens, are captured by the Piquante Pickup Partners and placed in the Terror-arium. Special Agent Charlie Brown is tired of sitting around CTU with his wings clipped, so he takes advantage of the disruption in the chain of command to sneak out and go interrogate Felipe Hartmano. Meanwhile Kiefer is plotting to release Felipe Hartmano from U.S. custody in order to satisfy terrorist demandsbut as a rogue agent, so Palmer's reputation doesn't get sullied. When Kiefer gets to the prison he finds and knocks out Special Agent Charlie Brown and basically starts a prison riot.

USC. As a lone cornet blares in the distance like a call to battle, the Presidential debate between Palmer and Keeler begins. As the moderator, who looks like Steve Colbert from The Daily Show, makes some opening statements, the camera pans the auditorium so we can see the small audience, as well as Secret Service agents, technicians, campaign aides from both sides, and the television cameras which bring the debate to a much larger audience of home viewers. Meanwhile, backstage, Palmer is collecting his thoughts. He stands to Dr. Anne as she strokes his upper arm with an almost motherly concern. She asks him how he's feeling. "Is that a medical question?" he asks. "Or personal?" "Both," she says. He insists he's fine. Shut up, cornet! Keeler is introduced. He takes the stage with confidence and waves to the crowd. I think it's time we got Keeler a nickname, so I'm calling him Ruby Keeler from now on. Ruby Keeler was a hoofer who starred in several Busby Berkeley musicals and was married to Al Jolson. She has, like, nothing to do with Senator Keeler except that she has his last name, so that's that. As Palmer prepares to take the stage, Dr. Anne apologizes one more time for the actions of her ex-husband. "It's all right," says Palmer. "We have the truth on our side." What was that sharp pain in my stomach? Oh, wait. I remember. It was that large, strong alcoholic beverage I had to take several gulps of after Palmer actually said, "We have the truth on our side." The moderator introduces Palmer. He kisses Dr. Anne on the forehead and takes the stage. Meanwhile, Brother Palmer watches the debate begin on a monitor with a vaguely stalker-ish intensity. Palmer begins his opening statements. Something about wanting to talk about "critical issues." The camera pans some more across the various monitors in the auditorium with Palmer's face on them. A piece of glassware breaks against one of these monitors

because that monitor is the jailhouse television and there's a prison riot happening. The prison doors were only activated to open just moments ago and already there are fires, glass breakage, guards being kicked in the stomach, and all-around violence and mayhem. By the way, all of these prisoners are practically what Norman Rockwell would have depicted if he ever painted a riot in a maximum-security prison. All the men are really shiny. They have shaved heads and buff bodiesand not those angry, bulky prison-weight room bodies, but the kind of bodies you get when you live in L.A. and have a really good personal trainer. There also seems to be a perfect 50/50 split between the Caucasians and the African-Americans. And their prison uniforms seem freshly pressed. They probably all have this really nice soapy smell too. Several yards from this choreographed chaos are Kiefer and Felipe Hartmano. As they search for a way out of the prison, they spy the angry mob and hide from it momentarily as Kiefer unveils his plan. He uncuffs Hartmano and tells him to pretend to fight with him over a gun. They do this as several guards in riot gear run past them. Kiefer calls out to them for help. Two of them swing by to break them up. Kiefer and Hartmano knock them unconscious and take their uniforms. It's The Benny Hill Show. However, Hartmano gets carried away with knocking his guard unconscious, and Kiefer has to tell him to tone it down.

Elsewhere in the prison, Special Agent Charlie Brown and the Warden are trying to figure out what to do . Charlie insists that Kiefer and Hartmano should be found immediately and kept alive. The warden insists on knowing what's at stake, so Charlie spills the beans about the V-I-R-U-S. The warden radios the riot guards and tells them that they are now under the command of Special Agent Charlie Brown. Just then, Charlie's phone rings. It's Bitchelle, wanting to know what the hell is going on over there. Charlie briefs her on Kiefer's attempt to break Hartmano out of prison to deliver him to Hector, and the subsequent prison riot. "He's going to get himself killed," says Bitchelle. "Not to mention Hartmano." Charlie assures her that he's doing his best to protect them both, and asks about the search for Kontagious Kyle. Bitchelle assures Charlie that they are closing in on his location. Charlie asks her to let him know the moment they've got Kontagious Kyle. "If Kiefer knows we've got the carrier of the V-I-R-U-S, he'll give Hartmano back," says Charlie. "We've got everyone working on it," says Bitchelle. "We'll find him."

Speaking of Kontagious Kyle, we take you now to the Terror-arium where the Quaran-teens watch helplessly as their captors take a Starbucks break. Kyle apologizes to PoorMan'sJennieGarth for what he's dragged her into, but Jennie isn't even listening. She's just pondering her imminent mortality. Kontagious Kyle isn't even that sure that he's passed the V-I-R-U-S to Jennie. Strangely enough, he was actually paying attention when Papa Kyle, Kiefer, and Soul Patch explained the ways of the V-I-R-U-S to him and the fact that he's got a couple of hours to go before he's contagious. "Maybe they'll find us by then and you'll be okay," he whispers to her. "Yeah, maybe," scoffs Jennie. All of a sudden Kyle has a plan. He stands on a chair and tests the strength of all these pipes that line the ceiling of the Terror-arium. Now maybe I'm missing something obvious here, but what the hell are these pipes doing in the ceiling of a freestanding structure that doesn't contain a) a toilet, b) a sink, or c) any heating or cooling systems? Jennie asks him what the hell he's doing. Kyle explains that he's looking for wires so that he can get her "out of this." He starts banging on the pipes with an aluminum folding chair, and for some reason the Piquante Partners don't hear this and come over to investigate.

Back at CTU, Spawn is studying some Whatever Technology California Traffic videos from near "the mall," and has improbably found pictures of the Garthmobile leaving the parking garage. She decides that this must be Kyle's getaway vehicle, because the driver is wearing a "blue shirt." Bitchelle calls her over, so Spawn passes the project onto Adam the Woman Hater, who is being unusually helpful and supportive. "You haven't been following what's been going on over at the prison, have you?" asks Bitchelle. Spawn admits that she hasn't, so Bitchelle fills her in on her father's rogue attempt to break Hartmano out by prison "by force" and the ensuing riot. "I don't understand what you mean by 'force,'" says Spawn. Spawn? "Force" is defined as "the use of physical power or violence to compel or restrain," as in "I have to force myself not to go down to CTU myself and beat you senseless with a two-by-four." They're called dictionaries. They're even online now. Look into it. Spawn asks why her father would be doing such a thing. Bitchelle has no idea, but asks Spawn when she last talked to him. Spawn recalls that the last time she talked to her father was back when he asked her to process a prison transfer for Felipe Hartmano. And yes, I sometimes I feel that I exaggerate how stupid Spawn really is, but it seriously takes an unnatural amount of time for Spawn to connect the current prison riot/jail break with Kiefer's request for a prison transfer. Even Bitchelle rolls her eyes, and I'm not making that up. The ladies conclude -- well, Bitchelle, mostly -- that the best thing to do is to find Kontagious Kyle as soon as possible, thus negating the need for Kiefer to free Hartmano.

Back at the prison, it's one of those Bob Hope/Bing Crosby road movies where Kiefer and Hartmano have knocked out the prison guards, taken their uniforms to impersonate them, and gotten into a whole new mess o' trouble. Kiefer warns Hartmano that the prisoners are in control now and their only way out is to fight through them. And indeed, he's right. They walk down this corridor and encounter a bunch of prisoners who, thinking they're prison guards, want to kill them. A leader amongst them -- who looks like an African-American version of Mr. Clean -- stops the violence and takes them hostage instead. Kiefer, Hartmano, and a gaggle of hostages are parading down a corridor when Mista Clean encounters Special Agent Charlie Brown. They start shooting at each other. "We have hostages so back off," shrieks Mista Clean. Special Agent Charlie Brown demands that he hold his fire, but lets them pass without incident. As the hostages are moved along, Special Agent Charlie Brown notices a particularly velvety hostage among them. They make knowing eye contact. The time is 05:11:14 PM.

Due to some graphic violence, viewer discretion is advised. Woo hoo!!! The time is 05:15:40 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Dr. Anne watches the debate, Palmer advocates what sounds like Al Gore's "locked box," Special Agent Charlie Brown examines the floor plan of the prison, and Spawn looks meaningfully at her computer screen. So back at CTU, Adam the Woman Hater is hating again. He's all over Spawn for some Whatever Technology misdeed. "I don't know where your head is at," says Adam TWH. "But we need to find Kyle Singer before he's contagious." Spawn is all, "Relax, I'm doing the best I can." So then Adam TWH is all, "The best we can isn't what we do around here. It's either done or it's not." What is this? An est seminar? Bitchelle calls Adam from her desk and tells him to chill out. She also briefs him on the Kiefer-induced riot going on at the prison, and concludes that Spawn needs a little slack today because that prison riot is, essentially, her fault; she was the one who issued the prison transfer. This, of course, is like saying that the Menendez brothers need a hug because they're orphans. "We're all under a lot of pressure here," says Bitchelle. "So let's just find Kyle Singer before it's too late."

Back in the Terror-arium, Kyle has found some wires and attached them to those pipes. What are wires doing in a giant glass and cement cage that doesn't have electricity inside it? "What are you doing?" asks Jennie. "There is no way out of here!" "You don't deserve what happened," says Kyle, fashioning a makeshift noose out of the wires and putting it over his head. "If I die, the V-I-R-U-S dies with me." He jumps off the chair and hangs by his neck. PoorMan'sJennieGarth frantically tries to steady the chair and get him to stand on it again. Failing that, she stands on the chair herself, grabs the pipes, and brings them down with her weight, thus saving Kyle. They lie breathlessly on the ground of the Terror-arium. Damn. I wanted Kyle to die.

Back at Rancho Narcotico, Hector oversees the housekeeping staff as they set up for a party outside on the veranda. PoorMan'sAngelinaJolie enters. "You shouldn't be doing this," she says, referring to the "welcome home" party for Felipe Hartmano that is being prepared. Hector asks her what she means. "You've been running things," she replies. "Show Felipe that you're his partnernot his caterer." She exits, and Hector's cell phone rings. It's Crystal Gael with news: the prison riot is still going on, Hartmano is still alive, and CTU is thisclose to finding Kyle Singer. "If they do [find Kyle Singer]," says Crystal Gael, "they'll never let Hartmano go." "Then make sure they don't find Singer," says Hector. Crystal Gael promises to do the best he can. He observes Spawn over the surveillance cameras as she focuses on surveillance tapes of Kyle Singer in the Piquante Pickup. Once she concludes it's definitely Kyle, Adam the Woman Hater takes a look and notices a shiny object in the back that looks like a gun. "Someone's got him," concludes Spawn. they work on IDing the vehicle.

Back at the prison, Special Agent Charlie Brown and the warden are trying to get a shot of Kiefer and Hartmano on the prison surveillance cameras. First they find the room where they believe the hostages are being held, but unfortunately they are out of the camera range. "Pan the camera over," says Special Agent Charlie Brown. The warden warns that the prisoners might see the camera moving and realize they are being watched. Charlie maintains that they have no choice. The camera pans over to reveal the hostages, Kiefer and Hartmano among them. True to the warden's warning, the camera is noticed, and Mista Clean shoots it out of commission. "We've got to get in there before they start killing everyone," says Special Agent Charlie Brown.