Okay, what's up with the "warm guitar chord" at the beginning of this week's promo? You know the one I'm talking about. It's that warm guitar chord they play before the promos of all of the WB family dramas that feature a lighthearted episode later that week. "[Strum!] Mayhem hits the Camden family when Lucy adopts a Vietnamese baby with a penchant for mayhem." "[Strum!] Rory Gilmore has two dates to the Valentine's Day dance!" A 24 promo should never have a [Strum]. Number one, there is no acoustic guitar playing during a 24 episode, ever. Number two, there is no lighthearted but easily resolved domestic tension on 24, ever. If Kiefer and Spawn are going to spend time together, they're not going to have a pillow fight or a bawdy conversation. They don't have time. "[Strum!] Kiefer and Spawn discuss which one of them was to blame for her mother's death four years ago…" See what I'm getting at?
Sutherland Samba. 24. Blip blip blip blip blip. Previouslys. Brother Palmer went ahead and stole Keeler's debate playbook despite Palmer's disapproval, and apparently he's going to drop a bombshell on Palmer about his new girlfriend. Spawn tells Kiefer about her relationship with Special Agent Charlie Brown. Dr. Hazel Mat thinks the V-I-R-U-S is being disseminated inside a bag of coke or heroin. Landlord: You must pay the rent. Mama Diabetes: I can't pay the rent. Landlord: You must pay the rent. Kyle: I'll pay the rent. Mama Diabetes: My hero…hey, wait a minute. Where'd you get that money? Kiefer's trying to quit heroin, but he can't join a methadone program like normal people -- er, "normal heroin users" -- because he doesn't want to go "on record." Gael is in the hizzouse!
CTU. Soul Patch comes down to the floor and has a conversation about the V-I-R-U-S with Adam the Woman Hater. Adam wants to analyze the virus some more, but Soul Patch tells him not to waste his time because the most important thing for the CTU staff to know is that -- listen up, first-time viewers! -- the virus kills within 24 hours, and Kyle Singer is transporting it. Soul Patch also exposits that Kiefer is meeting a woman named Dr. Nicole Duncan, who is the head of Health Services of Los Angeles. They're going to take a team of Hazmaticians over to the Cocaine Condo in order to stop Kyle from distributing the V-I-R-U-S. I guess it's safe to say that if they've named another character "Nicole," we won't be seeing anymore of Nicole Palmer (a.k.a. Li'l Lisa).
Somewhere on some Los Angeles freeway. As Kiefer waits for Nicole in the Kiefmobile, he starts to feel restless and cagey and basically in need of a fix. He looks at his watch and whips out his handy-dandy heroin clutch and starts doing all those necessary pre-heroin activities -- tying off his arm to find a vein, et cetera -- right there in the Kiefmobile. Now, I don't expect a great deal of realism from 24 -- especially after last season -- but I just have to interject here that in real life, drug addicts (especially drug addicts who are trying to hold down white collar jobs) tend to be extremely skilled at finding places to use without detection. Didn't anyone read Elizabeth Wurtzel's last memoir about her addiction to Ritalin? In fact, just last night when I was in the men's room of this restaurant, I automatically took note of the fact that there was an aluminum ledge right above the toilet paper dispenser that, if wiped clean, would be perfect to do lines off of. I also noticed that the stall had a very tight doorway, and no one would be able to observe me if I were going drugs there. And I haven't even touched cocaine in at least five years. Add that to the fact that Kiefer is a CIA field agent -- a breed of people trained extensively in the fine art of deception -- and it's absolutely ridiculous and implausible that Kiefer would just be shooting up in his car moments before he's about to meet an associate. And that's my lesson for the week about the nature of addiction, kids. Oh, it's also part of a new regular feature of my recaps which I call, "Is my mother really reading my recaps, or is she just pretending to?"
Just as Kiefer is about the put the sweet sweet needle inside his vein and get that molasses-dark rush that has inspired artists like Lou Reed and Leonard Cohen to write music that makes you want to kill yourself, a white van pulls up. Foiled again! It's Nicole and the Hazmaticians. And although you probably figured this out from watching the credits roll, Nicole is played by Andrea Thompson, formerly of NYPD Blue and CNN. Not that I've ever seen an episode of NYPD Blue or a newscast she gave on CNN, mind you, but I remember the controversy surrounding her tenure there. And for some reason I also remember reading an interview with OJ Simpson where he said that he thought she was really hot. Oh, and also? I have this dim memory of some nude photos of her turning up on the internet, but I might have totally imagined that. And speaking of Internet porn, why can't I find a picture of Rick Salomon on the net? For those of you buried under a rock this week, Rick Salomon (sometimes spelled "Solomon") was the guy who was with Paris Hilton in those sex tapes. He also used to go out with Shannen Doherty, and she and Paris would have regular fistfights over him. So I hear about this, and I am dying to see a picture of him and see what all the fuss is about without having to actually download that tape and watch it. I mean, I'm sure it's not a big deal to have sex with Paris Hilton -- or even Shannen Doherty -- but I'm thinking he must be pretty special if women are letting him tape them. I can't believe I just said that out loud. Mom?
Anyway, back to Andrea. When I heard about her being cast on this series I thought, oh, how perfect. She's just got that icy porcelain thing going on, with just a hint of androgyny that all the great ladies of 24 have. Well, unfortunately, Ms. Thompson isn't looking so hot these days. She's aging a bit like Sharon Gless from Queer as Folk. Okay, she's not that bad, but give her another ten years and she's going to start getting parts as someone's frumpy but spunky lesbian mom. Mark my words. So anyway, Kiefer, upon seeing Nicole get out of her van, quickly puts away his works and stuffs the case inside his glove compartment. She gets into the car. "How you doing?" she asks. Oh God. The Voice. Like ten years of cigarettes and love affairs that ended badly. And not in a glamorous "Sade" way, either. This is someone who has been bitterly waiting by the phone after a screaming fight with her boyfriend, crying, chain-smoking a pack of Pall Malls, drinking supermarket vodka with Sunny D and watching reruns of Golden Girls on Lifetime, all while ignoring the pileup in the litter box. I mean, if I were Kiefer, I'd take one look at her and continue shooting up. Oh, and by the way? Don't all of you start emailing me to protest what I just wrote and tell me that I'm failing to recognize the dignity and beauty of older women. Just don't. It's called moisturizer with sunscreen. And clean living. Look into it, Andrea. So Nicole expresses her condolences to Kiefer over Bride's death. The way she refers to Kiefer's dead wife as "Teri" suggests that she was a once a good friend of both of the Bauers. Kiefer explains that he "withdrew" after Bride's death, but that he appreciated Nicole's calls. He starts the van, and they're off and doing business. Nicole has done some analysis on her own, and she's concluded that Dr. Hazel's figures were off. Apparently the V-I-R-U-S is twice as deadly as Dr. Hazel predicted. "I've been hunting germs for over twelve years now and I've never seen anything like this," says Nicole. She notices that Kiefer is perspiring and asks him if he's okay. Kiefer tries to pass it off as stress. She looks down and notices a telltale amber vial on the floor of the Kiefmobile. I've been on dates like that. Not pretty.
Back at CTU, Mrs. Soul Patch is listening to the recorded phone message from the terrorists. Gael enters. And since there's a drug theme this season, I'm calling him "Crystal Gael" from now on. She calls him over and points out some Whatever Technology statistic to him, and determines that the call might have been made in the U.S. She "pipes it over" to his system and asks him to find a match. So much for tracing that call. "But do it after the meeting," says Bitchelle. Crystal Gael is all, "What meeting?" Bitchelle explains that Soul Patch is shifting resources to help Kiefer out in the field. "He's closing in on the virus." She exits, and Crystal Gael just stands there in shock as this Darth Vader heavy-breathing sound effect comes over the soundtrack. He starts to walk away -- presumably in the direction of his little private room -- when Potato Face stops him and tells him that Kiefer needs some audio feed as soon as he arrives at the Cocaine Condo. Crystal Gael is all, "Soul Patch needs me to do something for him, I'll get it to you after the meeting." Okay, you know that constipated face that babies make just before they're about to cry for three hours because you accidentally dropped them on their heads? That's totally the expression that Potato Face has on her face when Crystal Gael tells her he can't get her that audio feed. Potato Face urges him to do the audio feed anyway, but Crystal is all, "I can't, stop bugging me!"
Hacienda de los Substantivos Controleros. Poor Man's Angelina looks like she's in some sort of after-bath spray-on moisturizer commercial as she slowly and seductively puts on a dress for dinner in her sun-dappled, amber-colored bedroom. What is it, Thanksgiving? Why the early meal? I think we're also supposed to take note of the tattoo on her shoulder blade, but I can't see it clearly. Meanwhile, Hector is watching her and Angelina knows he's watching her. Once her dress is fastened, Angelina asks Hector if he has thought about how it will be when Felipe Hartmano is freed from prison. "'How it will be'?" says Hector. "Same as it always was." Angelina points out to Hector that he's been in charge for the last three months while Felipe has been in prison. "Are you willing to give that up so easily?" she asks provocatively. Hector's cell phone rings. It's Crystal Gael with news that Kiefer is about to "eentercept the package." "Ees Gomez steel on Kyle Seenger?" asks Hector. "Of course," says Crystal Gael. Hector hangs up on him. The camera pans over to Angelina, who is practically taunting him silently.
Cocaine Condo. On the soundtrack is that foreboding ambient music that sounds like a really loud refrigerator humming. Kyle is in the kitchen, drinking milk straight from a glass bottle. And as several people have pointed out in the forums, if Kyle's family is so damn poor, what's with the milk in the glass bottle? The only time I see milk in a glass bottle are high-end places like Dean & Deluca and Whole Foods, or in those damn "Got Chocolate Milk" ads. Hell, why are they drinking store-bought milk in the first place? My father used to save money by making us drink nonfat powdered milk. Thankfully we dropped that practice when I hit third grade. That stuff was nasty. Then again, my father had a job.
Kyle's father enters, wearing no tie and a gray Members Only jacket. Kyle asks him how his job interview went. Wait a sec. Kyle's father went to a job interview wearing polyester slacks and a Members Only jacket? No wonder he's been unemployed forever. Kyle's dad tells Kyle that the interview went "fine." But he doesn't sound enthusiastic. "Your mother tells me you paid the rent," says Papa Kyle. Kyle unconvincingly explains that he "came into a little money." "How does a nineteen-year-old kid who doesn't have a job 'come into a little money'?" asks Papa Kyle. Hey, wait. Kyle doesn't have a job? Shit. I had a job as soon as I turned sixteen. What is up with this family? No one works, but they buy high-end milk from Dean & Deluca and interview in outfits from KMart? Kyle feebly explains that he got it at the racetrack. Papa Kyle doesn't believe him, and asks him if he did something illegal. Kyle repeats his lame racetrack alibi. Kyle's father is all, "This is my house. I pay the rent. I take care of you and your mother." Kyle is all, "And when you get that job, you go ahead and pay me back, all right?" Ouch! Kyle's father goes ballistic, and Kyle locks himself inside his room. For some reason this actually keeps his father out of his room, even though it's one of those flimsy lock you twist inside the doorknob that you can pick open with a credit card.
Back at CTU, Soul Patch is briefing the team about Kyle. They've got his driver's license blown up as a slide and everything. "We think he's transporting the virus although it's likely he doesn't realize what he's carrying." Adam the Woman Hater asks Soul Patch how Kyle could not know. Soul Patch replies that Health Services believes that the V-I-R-U-S is hidden inside a bag of cocaine or heroin. You know, they repeat that piece of information to the viewers so often, I'm starting to think that the V-I-R-U-S might not be inside that bag of cocaine! Oops! Getting ahead of myself here. Just then Crystal Gael joins the team at the table. Other options of capturing Kyle are mentioned, but Soul Patch feels that other law enforcement organizations like the LAPD are not equipped to handle a "hot zone." "We have to approach Kyle Singer with care," says Soul Patch. "He has no idea how deadly the powder is." Wow, I'm starting to think the V-I-R-U-S is actually in that powder, because they've told me so about nineteen times in the last five minutes. There's no way they're going to pull a twist on us viewers. No way.
Back at the Cocaine Condo, Kyle examines the bag of cocaine one more time before he slips it back into that gym bag. Meanwhile, his parents are fighting in the living room, and you can hear every word because it's one of those apartments where you can damage a wall by looking at it funny. He grabs more cash, puts it in his bag, and leaves his room. In the living room, Papa Kyle stops him and demands to see what's in the bag. Kyle does nothing. "Open that bag," says Papa Kyle. "Or I will open it myself." "Listen to your father, Kyle!" says Mama Diabetes. There is something seriously wrong with this family. It's like they are really from the fifties but they got time-transported to the present day and Papa Kyle can't find a job because he doesn't know how to use a personal computer. Kyle maintains that it's none of his father's business. "As long as you're living in my house, it is!" says Papa Kyle. Of course, since Kyle paid the rent, Papa Kyle is not exactly justified in saying that, and Kyle brings up that very fact. Papa Kyle grabs the bag and starts going through it. Kyle yells at him to "stop snooping." "Snooping"? He finds the bag of white powder. "What is this?" asks Kyle's father. "Coke?" Hey, maybe Kyle should lie and say that it's nonfat powdered milk that he bought to save money! Why, with all the money they save on milk, they could go to a sample sale and buy Papa Kyle a real suit! Kyle tries to explain that he's just making a drop-off -- he's not a junkie or a dealer -- but Papa Kyle isn't buying any of it. They fight. Mama Diabetes is all, "No! Don't!" Kyle grabs the bag and tries to run out of the house. The bag falls to the floor, and Kyle exits anyway. The bag breaks open. Hey, whattya know? There's a fan that just happens to be sitting right on the ground and blowing perpendicularly to the floor. What's up with that? Do everyone's feet in the Kyle family get really really hot? Anyway, needless to say, powder is blowing everywhere. The time is 03:11:54 PM.
The time is 03:16:20 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Kyle's driver's license is still being examined at CTU, Hartmano is sitting in his cell, Kiefer and Old Spice are still en route to their destination, and V-I-R-U-S-infected coke is blowing everywhere at the Cocaine Condo. Meanwhile, back at CTU, the meeting is just wrapping up as the camera pans to reveal an extra in cuffs being led past the table by an extra playing a CTU agent. Um, why aren't they having this meeting in a private room instead of in a semi-public area where everyone, including terror suspects, can hear what's being said? And while we're on the subject, how the hell did Crystal Gael get hired? You'd think they'd step up on the background checks after Jalapeño and Nina went bad. As everyone is walking back to their desks, Spawn sees Special Agent Charlie Brown talking to some CTU extras. "I thought you were supposed to be with my dad," says Spawn. Charlie explains that Kiefer sent him back to talk to Parker. "Parker?" exclaims Spawn. "He already turned in Kyle Singer. What else are you going to get from him?" Charlie explains that Kiefer is "sidelining" him because of his relationship with Spawn. "He says he's protecting me, but I'm not the one he's trying to protect," says Charlie. "We shouldn't have told him." Spawn is all, "What were we supposed to do, keep sneaking around until he catches us?" Charlie maintains that they could have waited. Spawn argues that he'd have had the same reaction no matter when they told him. "I gotta go deal with this kid Parker," says Charlie, shuffling off to one of the interrogation rooms. Spawn sighs like she's been personally inconvenienced by all of this.
Cocaine Condo. Mama and Papa Kyle are panicking and otherwise trying to figure out what to do about this giant bag of coke they have in their possession. Papa Kyle wants to call a lawyer. Mama Diabetes thinks that if they leave it alone, it will all do away. "What are we supposed to do?" asks Mama Diabetes rhetorically. "Call the police? Maybe they'll give us a reward and we can pay our rent?" She apologizes when she realizes that was kind of low. All of a sudden a silhouetted figure becomes visible behind the vertical Venetian blinds. Suddenly, chainsaws penetrate the walls of the apartment. Mama Diabetes panics and runs toward the bathroom with the big bag of coke as Kiefer, Dr. Nicole, and the Hazmaticians storm the apartment. Kiefer gets to Mama Diabetes just as she's dumping the powder into the toilet. Kiefer radios Soul Patch "Soul Patch! The virus is out. I repeat, the virus is out!" Kiefer warns Soul Patch that the virus in the sewage system and could possibly be airborne. Soul Patch looks into shutting off the sewage system and establishing an environmental perimeter around the Cocaine Condo. The time is 03:24:14 PM.
The time is 03:28:26 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Haz-Mat suits are all the rage this season, Palmer is pensive, Hartmano is up to something evil, and Kyle is still a loser with poor parents. Palmer is in one of those classic university chambers with filtered sunlight streaming in. He is going over some notes when Dr. Anne knocks and comes in. "What's wrong?" she asks. Palmer tells her that Senator Keeler is planning to use her ex-husband against him in the debate. Through exposition, we learn that the big deal is that Dr. Anne's ex-husband started this healthcare company, and the SEC investigated it and found out that they had fabricated research for the hypertension drug they were producing. Dr. Anne was in charge of reviewing the research. When Dr. Anne's ex went to prison for the crime, he swore up and down that his wife, Dr. Anne, hadn't been in on the sham. Well, now he has reversed his story and he's claiming that Dr. Anne knew the research was faked. Okay, can we just talk about how lame this plotline is? Dr. Anne is Palmer's doctor. She is not a member of his cabinet. And even if she was, hello? What president of late hasn't had cabinet members of advisors investigated for some sort of fraud? Bush is, like, bosom buddies with the CEO of Enron, for crying out loud, and you don't see anyone calling for his impeachment, do you? Anyway, Dr. Anne swears that her ex-husband is lying. "It's your word against his," says Palmer. "You have reason to be suspicious," says Dr. Anne, not quite making full eye contact with him. "God knows you've been betrayed by some of the people you trusted most but I'm not Sherry." Wow, another pal of Palmer's who "isn't Sherry." Anyway, so Dr. Anne does one of those girly things where she puts him back on the defensive by implying that he doesn't trust her. The phone rings. It's Brother Palmer. "Let me guess," says Brother Palmer. "She denied everything." Palmer claims that he believes her. Brother Palmer claims that he might be able to make everything go away. "Meet me in the auditorium…alone," he says.
Back at CTU, Soul Patch is on the phone with Dr. Hazel Mat discussing Nicole's field report. Dr. Hazel feels optimistic, as she thinks that they'll be able to contain the virus, or at least seriously limit the number of casualties. Sure, it's airborne now, but Nicole's team acted fast enough by sealing the apartment building and quarantining the Singers. Of course, by "Singer," she means Kyle's family's last name, but when I hear her say "quarantining the Singers," I am visualizing all of these professional Christmas Carolers in Dickensian costume, locked in a hospital room and fighting amongst themselves. "Oh my God, you guys! I have an audition for a summer stock production of Brigadoon! If I don't get out of here and get some 'me' time, I'm totally going to go in unprepared!" "What about me? Do you have any idea what this virus could do to my beautiful contralto voice?" Soul Patch asks when they are getting test results of the powder. Dr. Hazel tells him they'll be ready in ten to fifteen minutes. Having sufficiently briefed each other, they hang up.
Soul Patch walks over to Adam's desk; Adam tells him the police have set up a "perimeter" around Kyle's Kondo, but they need "wind vectors" for some Whatever Technology reason. Soul Patch tells him to "call meteorology" and gives him the extension and everything. he has a mini-meeting with Bitchelle, who tells him that the press found out about the dead body and want to talk to Dr. Hazel. Soul Patch tells her not to give the press any information. up is Spawn. She's got an important phone message for Soul Patch from the prison. It's urgent that he call them back. Soul Patch goes over to an extension to take the call. I must point out: I thought these people were trained professionals. What are they doing performing tasks that are usually left to secretaries?
The time is 03:31:57 PM. Back at the Cocaine Condo, the Singers are behind a sheet of Mylar, asking Haz-Mat-Suited Kiefer what the hell this is all about. "Because this is not about drugs!" says the ever-perceptive Papa Kyle. Kiefer explains about the V-I-R-U-S and how Kyle might have unknowingly carried it into L.A. in the bag of coke. "So we've been exposed?" says the ever-perceptive Mama Diabetes. Kiefer tells them they're running some tests and they'll know pretty soon. So now that Kiefer has basically advised the Singers not to buy any long-playing records, he walks off to take a cell call from Soul Patch. Soul Patch is full of information, telling Kiefer that city agencies are working overtime to contain the V-I-R-U-S, and that Vaselino was killed by Hartman's prison guard. "He claims that Hartmano had his son kidnapped and threatened to kill him if he didn't do it," explains Soul Patch. Kiefer breaks off the call in order to have a grief-induced claustrophobia attack. He runs through a tunnel of germ-resistant plastic sheeting, rinses off his Haz-Mat suit in the chemical shower, enters what I assume to be a contained area free of the V-I-R-U-S, rips off his mask, and vomits.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Singer apartment, Dr. Nicole's team of Hazmaticians have analyzed the Kyle's cocaine, plus the Singers' blood and saliva, as well as the atmosphere and surfaces of the Cocaine Condo. Everything tests negative for the V-I-R-U-S. They can't find even a trace amount of V-I-R-U-S anywhere. Nicole storms into the contained germ-free tent, rips off her mask like she's in a Prell ad, and lays it to rest jauntily on her shoulder. She eyes him somewhat suspiciously, but Kiefer is all, "What the hell are you doing? You haven't even showered down yet!" Dr. Nicole assures him that they're not at risk because the powder is harmless. Apparently it's a silicate, and a V-I-R-U-S-free silicate at worst. Nicole is worries that they're on the "wrong trail." Kiefer is sure that there's a reason that Hartmano's men paid Kyle $10,000 to go across the border with a bag of worthless white powder. He suggests to Nicole that maybe the V-I-R-U-S was carried over the border inside a living host. "What if Kyle Singer was infected in Mexico earlier this morning before he left?" posits Kiefer. He extrapolates that Kyle wouldn't be infectious for the first fourteen hours. If Kyle was infected right before he left Mexico eleven hours ago, and Hector isn't threatening to unleash the V-I-R-U-S for another three hours, then that adds up to the time that Kyle would be infectious. "We need to find Kyle Singer," says Dr. Nicole.
The time is 03:35:07 PM. Kyle is getting off of a bus and having a cell conversation with his girlfriend PoorMan'sJennieGarth. "I'm in trouble," he tells her. "Uh, yeah!" says Jenny. "'Cause you're dealing drugs!" Is this another episode of The Enforcer? You know, that tough-on-drugs mom with dreads that they're featuring in all of these anti-drug ads? I totally thought that I was watching the promo for a series on Lifetime, but one day I realized that The Enforcer isn't even a series. It's just a series of drug commercials. Well, actually, one drug commercial. I felt stupid and ashamed. Like Madison Avenue had caught me sleeping one day. It made me want to smoke a lot of marijuana. I mean, I seriously thought it was a series. I was like, "What is this show's premise? Is her son just going to be offered marijuana every week, and every week she grounds him and takes away his Playstation?" Kyle begs Jenny to lend him twenty grand so he can pay off the drug dealers that undoubtedly are going to want to cap his ass once they realize that all their expensive nose candy has gone down the toilet. Jenny could not be more shrill and upset. She's like a right-wing wet dream of our nation's youth. Nevertheless, she agrees to meet him at "the mall." The camera pans to a cordovan Ford sedan. A Latino man inside the car, who kind of looks like a Spanish version of Ed Marinaro, is talking on his cell phone to Crystal Gael. Crystal Gael tells this guy, whose name is Gomez, that CTU has figured out that the V-I-R-U-S wasn't in the powder, and orders Gomez to take Kyle "into containment" so that CTU doesn't get him first. Meanwhile, Kyle isn't attracting attention to himself at all, running down a quiet sunny city street on his way to "the mall." The time is 03:36:48 PM.
The time is 03:41:00 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Gael continues to advise Gomez via cell phone, Kyle continues running to "the mall" as fast as his loser legs can carry him, the Singers are hanging out in the non-contaminated but demolished Cocaine Condo, and Gomez goes after Kyle. Palmer is pacing at the back of the auditorium when Brother Palmer approaches him and tells him that he spoke to Dr. Anne's ex-husband. "All he wants is money," says Brother Palmer. "If we pay him off, he'll recant before this debate." Palmer argues that this is "blackmail." Brother Palmer argues that it's "business" and that it's absolutely necessary. Blackmail? So what if Palmer is getting a little nookie from a white-collar criminal? What president hasn't been involved with a white-collar criminal or two? Hell, most of our presidents have been white-collar criminals. I mean, what kind of utopia is this 24-verse U.S. where the presidents are just so scrupulous and principled that the voting public would oust a president who was dating someone who was married to someone who helped underwrite a crooked IPO? Or is President Palmer the stupidest man alive? Anyway, Brother Wayne convinces Palmer to let him bribe Dr. Anne's husband -- and potentially get him into worse trouble than the whole formerly-shady-girlfriend thing -- by referring to the latest polls, which have Palmer's popularity dropping against Keeler's, and by speculating that this ensuing scandal would put Dr. Anne on the front page of every newspaper. "She is not Sherry," warns Brother Palmer. "She's not equipped to handle that kind of scrutiny."
Back at the Cocaine Condo, everyone has changed out of their Haz-Mat gear, but no one has told the Singers, who are still thinking they are about to die in total isolation. Why do I find that extremely funny? Kiefer finally fills them in on the test results, and they get really mad, which makes me laugh even harder. "You scared the hell out of us!" whines Papa Kyle. But the velvety one has no time for apologies. He needs to find Kyle because, as he explains to Papa, Kyle might be the carrier of the V-I-R-U-S. "What are you saying?" asks Mama Diabetes. "That our son might die?" Kiefer is all, "Uh, yeah," diplomatically leaving out the part about how he'll take millions of Angelenos with him. Papa and Mama Kyle are even more upset now, but Kiefer makes them focus on finding Kyle, whose cell phone has apparently been disconnected…on account of him being in this poor loser family. Fortunately, Mama Diabetes remembers that she lent Kyle her own phone. She gives the "555" number to Kiefer, who gives it to Soul Patch at CTU, and then Kiefer makes Papa Kyle call Kyle and keep him on the phone so CTU can trace his location. As Kiefer reads the number to Soul Patch, Papa Kyle turns to his wife and says, "This is all my fault. Kyle never would have done any of this if I took better care of my family." Ha! He's right! Isn't this hilarious?
Papa Kyle calls Kyle from the house phone, which, miraculously, hasn't been shut off for non-payment. I bet they spring for call waiting, caller ID, and DSL every month too. Kyle is at "the mall" on an escalator. He answers and doesn't hang up when he realizes it's his father. Meanwhile, on a split screen, Spawn is tracing the call with CTU's new Whatever Call-Tracing Technology, that's hopefully a lot better than the stuff that Nina had in the first season to trace Bride's cell call from the TerrorKompound. Because that's the only reason Spawn would be able to do something that Nina couldn't. Kyle and Papa Kyle make small talk about the vast amount of cocaine in his gym bag. Papa Kyle commends Kyle for only wanting to take care of the family. Kyle gets the vibe that his father has turned him into the cops, and is about to hang up when Papa Kyle gets his attention by telling him about the V-I-R-U-S. Spawn has traced the call to within a three-mile radius of the location. Kyle tells his father he feels fine. Papa Kyle tells him that he won't start to feel the symptoms for another three hours. Kyle freaks out and hangs up, just as Soul Patch determines that "the mall" is the Los Feliz Mall between Vermont and Sunset. Now, I don't know if the Los Feliz Mall is a fictionalized place, or if it's one of these real primo areas in L.A. that I would know about if I were the slightest bit familiar with L.A. But I have to say, the Los Feliz Mall seems skanky to me. Like one of those malls with lots of "your name on a mini-license plate" carts in the main atrium surrounded by stores selling sneakers, acid wash jeans, and baby clothes. Kiefer is twenty minutes away, but Soul Patch promises he can have a team there in ten minutes. Kiefer tells Soul Patch not to bring Special Agent Charlie Brown. "Why not?" asks Soul Patch. "Just don't," says the velvety one. Kiefer thanks the Singers for their help and gets ready to go to the Los Feliz Mall. "Pleeeeeease help our son!" shrieks Mama Diabetes. Kiefer looks them in the eye, manages to keep a straight face, and assures them that their son will be safe.
Elsewhere on the floor of CTU, Potato Face gets a call from Mrs. Soul Patch informing her that Mr. Soul Patch is going out into the field for a couple of hours, leaving her (Bitchelle, not Potato Face) in charge. She asks Potato Face to let people in her area to know. Special Agent Charlie Brown overhears and asks Chloe what's going on. Potato Face explains that they've traced Kyle Singer to the Loz Feliz Mall, and Soul Patch is going over there with a team of field agents. "Looks like they're really going out of their way to cut you out of the loop," snorts Potato Face. Charlie runs downstairs to try to catch up with the team on their way out. "Bad idea, Charlie," calls Potato Face after him. "You're just going to make it worse." Charlie ignores her and manages to pull Soul Patch aside on his way out the door. He asks Soul Patch to put him back in their team. Soul Patch refuses. Charlie asks him why Kiefer is keeping him off the team. Soul Patch cannot say, but reminds Charlie that Kiefer is his boss and that he doesn't have to give him a reason. Soul Patch's attitude toward authority has changed some since Day One, no? "This isn't right," says Charlie, grabbing Soul Patch's arm a little too tightly. "Did he tell you it's because of Kim?" Special Agent Charlie Brown explains his relationship with Spawn to Soul Patch. "Take it up with Kiefer," says Soul Patch.
Meanwhile, at the Los Feliz Mall, Kyle waits for PoorMan'sJennieGarth as Gomez follows him, stalking him like prey amidst the maternity underwear bins and Orange Julius franchises. The time is 03:48:55 PM.
The time is 03:53:06 PM. Kiefer is in the Kiefmobile with Dr. Nicole en route to "the mall." His cell phone rings. It's Charlie Brown, according to Kiefer's caller ID, so he doesn't answer. Dr. Nicole totally stares at Kiefer as he lets his cell phone ring like she is owed an explanation. Kiefer explains that he wants to keep the line open in case Soul Patch calls. Meanwhile, back at CTU, Charlie Brown is frustrated that he can't sail through the velvet fog and penetrate that Sutherland Wall that went up between him and his partner. He even throws his cell phone in the trash. Spawn walks over and tries to convince him that Kiefer will come around and eventually this will all blow over. "How do you know?" asks Charlie Brown." "Because I know my dad," says Spawn of Pollyanna. "Maybe you don't know him as well as you think," hints Charlie darkly, but refuses to elaborate. Finally Spawn is all, "Don't you think I feel bad enough already?" Did you see what Spawn just did? She totally skipped apologizing to Charlie for ruining his career, and went right to blaming him for her feelings of guilt. Whadda bitch! She claims that the only other option they have is to stop seeing each other. Charlie Brown doesn't comment. Adam the Woman Hater interrupts their conversation to report that everyone is needed at their console, because Soul Patch has reached "the mall."
Over at the mall, Soul Patch's chopper has landed. A security guard greets Soul Patch at the makeshift landing strip and tells him that Kyle has indeed been spotted. His chestnut hair blowing in the chopper wind, Soul Patch commands his team to seal off all the exits and then close in.
Back in the Kiefmobile, Kiefer koughs. Dr. Nicole hesitates for a moment and then is all, "How long have you been using?" Kiefer is all, "What?" Dr. Nicole is all, "I did a rotation in rehab. You pick up things." Judging by those dark circles under her eyes, looks like Dr. Nicole "picked up" a rotation through rehab, if you catch my drift. Kiefer tries to deny it but finally admits to having been addicted to heroin for a while. "It was the only way I could maintain cover with the Hartmanos," he explains. "Are you high now?" asks Dr. Nicole. Why? Does she want a hit herself? Kiefer claims he's not high. Dr. Nicole doesn't want to turn Kiefer in, but she's worried about him. "I have a responsibility to stop this V-I-R-U-S and I am taking a calculated risk that you are more of an asset than a liability," says Dr. Nicole. "Please don't screw this up." "I won't," intones Kiefer. Their intense eye contact is interrupted by a call from Soul Patch, who reports that he's closing in on Kyle. Kiefer is just nearing the parking garage. He promises to be inside in a minute.
The time is 3:57:40 PM. Inside "the mall," Gomez hides from Kyle behind a potted plant and calls Crystal Gael on his combination Palm Pilot/cell phone, which I totally want right now. Gael wants him to stand down and keep out of CTU's way. Gomez refuses to comply, as this is the last chance they'll have to get Kyle. Meanwhile, Soul Patch tells the security guards to let him go in alone so as not to panic Kyle. Gomez walks past Kyle, sees Soul Patch in the distance, and keeps walking. Soul Patch approaches Kyle, introduces himself as a federal agent, and tells him that the story about the V-I-R-U-S is true. "Come with me and I'll prove it to you." Kyle ponders this for a moment, his cascading orangey-blonde hair bouncing in the breeze. All of a sudden, a shot rings out. It's Gomez. He's shot Soul Patch. Shoppers are panicking everywhere and backing away. Soul Patch goes down. A close-up of his head shows blood trickling out of his neck while his wedding-ring-wearing left hand tries to stanch the flow. The screen splits. In one box, Mama Diabetes cries quietly to herself in her hellhole of an apartment. In another, Brother Palmer arranges for the cash to be ready for the bribe of Mr. Dr. Anne. In yet another, Special Agent Charlie Brown sits idly in the nearly empty CTU building. Kiefer runs in past the weightlifting supplement shop and the Merle Norman boutique and finds Soul Patch on the ground. Dr. Nicole isn't too far behind. She goes to work trying to save Soul Patch's life while Kiefer calls the team on the walkie-talkie and warns them that Kyle is still not in custody. "I repeat, Kyle Singer is still not in custody." He tells them to cover all the exits. Meanwhile, Kyle has disappeared into the crowd. They lift Soul Patch's body to bring him out to the medics. He doesn't look so hot. The time is 03:59:58…03:59:59…04:00:00 PM.